Traces of Hope

Crystal quit her job at the diner and moved in with Jewell. Not long afterward, they were married. She was surprised at how doting Jewell was. Even the sex was better after Crystal insisted that she be more gentle with her. She was also surprised to find herself falling in love with the tall, dark FBI agent—and so quickly, too. “I know this isn’t the way it usually works,” said Crystal with a smile one day when they were strolling around the vast, sprawling backyard. “You usually fall in love first, then marry. Yet with me, it’s been the other way around.” “Better late than never,” Jewell said with a chuckle. Crystal squinted against the sun’s glare reflecting off the newly fallen snow. “So the entire yard is all fenced in?” “Sure is. I know it’s hard to tell since part of it threads through the wooded area up top the hill over there, but it is.” “Why do you suppose they fenced some of the woods in?” Jewell shrugged. “Don’t know. Maybe so the kids that once lived here could play in a section of it and still be fenced in. There’s even an old swing set up there. You go up that little path over there,” she pointed, “and there’s a little clearing where the swings are.” “I can see part of it from here,” said Crystal. “This would certainly be a lovely place to raise kids.” “Yeah, it would be, Crystal. Think about it.” Crystal sighed with exasperation. Jewell was still as determined to see them keep the child as she was to give it up. “I don’t need to think about it.” “Would you like to know the sex of the baby?” the doctor had asked her just the other day. “I don’t care,” was Crystal’s reply. “Do you have any preferences as to who adopts the child?” “None. I don’t care if they’re married, single, rich, or poor.” “Do you care if they abuse it?” Jewell asked afterward. “Well, of course, I care about that. I don’t want to see it beaten or harmed in any way just because its father is a monster. I just know I could never be a mother to it. I’m not ready for that anyway.” “We’re never ready for most of what life sends our way, Crystal. But we get ready when it comes. Trust me on that one.” One night, Crystal stepped out of the bathtub and observed her five-month-pregnant belly in the mirror. Her hands fluttered up to her temples like startled hummingbirds, and she broke down in tears. Just then, the door opened, and she felt something cool and heavy being placed around her wrist. Crystal jumped, eyes snapping open. Jewell was about to place handcuffs on her wrists. “What the fuck are you doing? Get these off me!” “What are you doing?” “Nothing! I didn’t do shit! I simply took one look at my fat, ugly self and burst into tears. Is that a crime now, too?” Jewell studied Crystal intently for a moment, then removed the handcuffs. “If you ever do that again,” said Crystal, snatching up her robe, “I’ll shove my fist down your throat so hard it’ll come out your ass!” Jewell’s eyes widened with both shock and amusement—maybe even a little admiration as well, seeing that a short, pregnant woman wasn’t exactly in any position to take on a rather muscular, six-foot-tall FBI agent so skilled in karate that she was registered as a lethal weapon.

They visited with Jewell’s mother about once a week. Crystal found the woman to be very friendly and accepting. She was always happy to see them and to hear about what had been going on in their lives. As comfortable as she made her feel, Crystal knew she knew how she’d conceived the child she was carrying, and a wave of embarrassment swept over her. Jewell’s mother was a stark contrast to her daughter. She was shorter, thinner, and somewhat frail-looking. Her rustic-styled house was neat, cozy, and cheerfully decorated. Farm animals seemed to be the main theme. They sat at a round wooden table in the kitchen, country music softly playing from a portable radio that sat on the countertop. Her mother served them coffee and homemade cinnamon buns. On a visit to Crystal’s mother’s house in the city one day, the experience was entirely different. Crystal’s mother was tall and plump. She wore jeans and an old, frayed sweatshirt. Her hair and clothes looked sloppy compared to Jewell’s mother’s. Her mother’s jaw dropped at the sight of her swollen tummy. “What the hell is this, Crystal? Don’t tell me you’re actually going to have this child. You’re too damn young! How are you going to support it when you can barely support yourself?” “Hello to you too, Mom.” “I thought you were going to abort it.” “I was too late, Mom. I’ll be giving it up for adoption instead.” “Where in this damn world have you been anyway? Why’s your phone disconnected?” “I moved to Longmeadow.” “Long-fucking-Meadow!” her mother shrieked with surprise. Jewell thought she might as well have told her she moved to Venus. “What the hell are you doing in that stuck-up town?” Crystal turned to Jewell. “It’s home to FBI agent Jewell Wallace here, who became my partner in marriage not so long ago.” Her mother looked like she was going to faint. “You’re insane!” she finally spat. “Totally and utterly insane.” “Thanks for your support, Mom,” Crystal said, turning toward the door. “I knew I could count on you.” “Insane!” “Nice meeting you, Mrs. Pierceson,” Jewell said with a sarcastic touch, following Crystal out the door. In the car, she said, “No wonder you’ve got problems, Crystal.” Crystal shot Jewell an insulting look.

One day, when Kaori was visiting Crystal, she sat at the kitchen table trying to figure out just what it was that Crystal saw in the plain, tall FBI agent. Ok, so she had a nice home, and it was nice of her to offer to take her in, marry her, insure her, provide for her—but did she truly love her? Kaori dropped her voice to a whisper when Jewell went to use the bathroom. “Do you think the only reason she married you was for the baby?” “No, because she put the moves on me before we knew it existed, and she knows I intend to give it up.” “I think she’s hoping you’ll keep it.” “Yeah, well, I’m hoping for a million dollars. Doesn’t mean I’ll get it.” The two laughed just as Jewell entered the room, eyeing them with suspicion. Not long after Kaori left, Pam came to visit. Crystal had been put off by her from the start. The chunky blond, also an FBI agent, came off as snotty, judgmental, and superior. After the trio chatted about trivial things for a while, Pam turned the subject to the baby, something Crystal sensed she knew made her uncomfortable. “How are you feeling these days?” “Big, heavy, and tired,” Crystal said, rising from her chair. “In fact, I feel like resting up right about now, so I’ll leave you two alone to chat.” Spring was now upon them, so once Crystal was in the living room, she opened a window to let the fresh air in to air the house out after being shut up throughout the long winter. Then she stretched out on the couch. Although she couldn’t see Jewell and Pam from where she lay, she could hear them. “Are you sure you didn’t make a mistake by marrying her? I mean, she seems like a sweet girl and all that, and she’s a cutie, but she’s too troubled. Look what kind of family she comes from,” said Pam. Jewell defended her with, “She can’t help what her family’s like.” “That’s true, but what about the baby?” asked Pam. “What about the baby?” “Well, you want her to keep it, don’t you?” “I’m hoping she will.” “But what if she doesn’t?” “Then she doesn’t. I can’t make her keep it.” Crystal had had enough of Pam’s doubt and paranoia. She had enough concerns on her mind as it was. She went out back, slamming the door behind her. Yet she could still hear Pam through the open kitchen window. “I just hope things work out for you and that she isn’t here simply for the luxury of it, considering where she came from. I’d hate to see you get used and burned…” Crystal strolled further into the yard, away from the open window. She heard the faint sound of whistling coming from the side of the house and glanced over in that direction. A middle-aged woman was whistling a cheerful tune, unfamiliar to Crystal, as she weeded her garden. She spotted Crystal and waved to her. Crystal waved back. “Lovely day, isn’t it?” the woman called out. “Yes, it is,” Crystal agreed. Soon afterward, Pam left, and Jewell came to join Crystal, where she sat on one of the old, rusty swings just inside the wooded area. “Sorry about that, honey,” said Jewell, sitting on the swing next to hers. Crystal shrugged. “I suppose she’s just looking out for you. Do you think I’m using you? Because the minute you tell me you do, I’m out of here.” “Of course I don’t think that, babe.” Crystal looked at Jewell a moment, then stood up to put her arms around her. “Aw,” Jewell said, wrapping her own arms around her and hugging her tightly. “I really do love you, Jewell,” Crystal told her. “I know you do, babe.” They kissed passionately. “Want to go inside and play?” Jewell asked suggestively. Crystal nodded.

Later on, after Crystal did a load of laundry and began their dinner, she approached Jewell, who sat at an old antique desk in the second-largest bedroom upstairs. She cleared her throat so as not to startle her. Jewell glanced at her for a second. “Jewell?” “Yes?” “What’s going on with him?” She looked at Crystal again. “With who?” “With you know who. I don’t exactly have his name, you know. He wasn’t the type to give it to any of the ladies he’d drag off with him.” Crystal saw Jewell tense up. She obviously didn’t want to discuss the matter. Hesitantly, she said, “Crystal, I told you not to worry about that.” “But how can I not?” “I know it’s not easy, but I’m doing my best.” “But what are you doing? Anything?” Again, Jewell hesitated. Then, choosing her words carefully, she said, “I’m having trouble finding the guy.” “Having trouble finding the guy?” Jewell nodded. “He used a bogus name when he filled out the form to rent the apartment on Locust Street. Furthermore, he split from that apartment as soon as you found him, just like I told you he would. I wanted to get in to get fingerprints, but for one, you didn’t report the rape, and secondly, the landlord repainted the entire place once he ran off.” “Sick, son of a bitch,” Crystal muttered. Jewell continued to eye her with concern, wishing she’d drop the subject. She would get her wish when Crystal suddenly asked about her exes. “You never told me how many there were and why the relationships ended.” “Why do you want to know that?” Jewell asked, dropping her pen. “What difference does it make?” “Just curious.” Jewell sighed hesitantly, then said, “I was really only in one other long-term relationship. We were together for four years before she ran off and left me. Said I wasn’t paying her enough attention, and I’ll admit I was rather preoccupied with other things at the time. I suppose some would say it was my fault that I lost her. What do you think, Crystal? Think I drove her away?” Crystal thought about it for a moment. “Well, it does take two to tango, and if you neglect or abuse your spouse in any way, you’re likely to lose them. I think you both have to do your part in a relationship and not throw all of it on just one of you. Then again, I guess it depends on just how preoccupied you were and for how long. Did you cheat on her?” “Never. I’ve been neglectful, I’ve been insensitive, I’ve been a lot of things, but never a cheater.” “In other words, you gave her what she needed, but not always what she wanted?” “Exactly.” “Well, at least you’re honest about it. From there, all you can do is learn from it, and I’d say you have. You’ve been rather attentive to my needs and desires.” Jewell smiled. “Ah, but you're not always so willing to meet my needs and desires.” “How so?” “Well, as I told you, I’d really like to have this child with you, and if you truly love me, you’ll give it some serious thought.” “Jewell, it’s not that I don’t love you. This has nothing to do with whether or not I love you. I told you why we can’t keep the child.” “I’ll keep it away from you as much as possible so you can still have your freedom and your youth, Crystal.” Crystal gave up and said, “We’ll see. Anything else?” “Yeah. Why won’t you dress the way I’d like you to?” “I do some of the time, but sometimes I want to wear the clothes I like. Besides, you know how I hate others picking on the way I dress. It really, really bothers me. Reminds me of my mother. I also firmly believe that those who pick on others for their appearance are really just unhappy with their own appearance. I say if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” “But Crystal, you’re not even going to be able to wear most of your old clothes once the baby’s born.” “Yes, I know, but I still have to be myself. Sure, I can compromise with you from time to time, but those eyeing my outfits with condemnation make me want to scream—and sometimes worse. It just drives me crazy when people don’t worry about their own damn clothes and leave others alone, even if they think they’re too skimpy, too colorful, or too whatever. I don’t like most of your conservative clothes, yet I don’t complain.” Jewell chuckled. “No, but you complain about other things.” Crystal studied Jewell for a moment. “Is this funny to you or something?” “No, not at all.” “Then how about another round of fun before dinner?” Crystal asked, wrapping her arms around Jewell, not wanting to argue. “Besides, it’s Sunday. Even FBI agents should take Sundays off.” “No, I don’t think so, hun. You put me out of the mood.” “I put you out of the mood?” asked Crystal, pulling back in astonishment. “How? By not agreeing with every little thing you say and do?” Jewell eyed Crystal with annoyance. “Is that it? Or is it that I’m just too fat for you at the moment, or that your work is more important?” Jewell sighed. “Crystal, you just said I was attentive to your needs, and we made love not too long ago, so what’s your problem?” “My problem is I feel like you’re punishing me all of a sudden, and like perhaps you’re using me as a cover for your own lack of desire, which really has nothing to do with me.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “It means you’re just not in the mood, yet you can’t say so. You have to use me as an excuse instead. Well, I’m not going to be your crutch or your scapegoat, Jewell.” Jewell sighed again, then said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice: “Okay, Crystal, I’m not in the mood. Happy now?” Feeling both angry and rejected, Crystal turned and left the room.

“Hey,” Jewell softly said as they slid into bed later that night, “I’m sorry if I made you feel unwanted in any way or like you’re not good enough. I love you just the way you are. I really do.” Crystal smiled. “I love you too, Jewell.” They made love and fell asleep in each other’s arms, and life went on as usual. The only thing Jewell wasn’t happy about was the couple who agreed to adopt the baby once it was born. Crystal had spoken to them just last week. Sure, they seemed like a fine couple, but it’s just that she was ready for a child in her life now. “We can adopt a child someday in the future, Jewell,” Crystal had insisted. “What’s wrong with this child?” “How many times do we have to go through this?” cried an exasperated Crystal. “Okay,” Jewell relented. “We’ll see how you feel when it’s born. If you’re still determined to give it up, then you can do so, and I won’t stand in your way.” “Just don’t go getting your hopes up. I really do intend to give the child up.” But she didn’t. When she saw the joy, longing, and desperation written all over Jewell’s face as she held the newborn infant once it was born, she knew she couldn’t take that away from her. Instead, she allowed Jewell to adopt Sheena Marie, the name they both agreed on at the last minute, which Jewell had been the one to come up with. Exhausted from the pain, fear, and exertion, she fell asleep that night in the hospital, wondering if she’d done the right thing.