Traces of Hope

The months following the birth of Sheena brought feelings of depression, doubt, frustration, and hopelessness to Crystal. She was exhausted all the time and had a hard time dragging herself out of bed each day. And whenever she did come upon a moment when she thought she could relax enough to finally get some sleep, the child would begin to wail, yanking her nerves as taut as a tightrope. Sometimes she’d wail for over twenty-four hours nonstop without so much as a break to sleep. Her relationship with Jewell began to deteriorate. All they seemed to do was bicker over the child. Their intimacy began to be less and less existent, and they spent less time together as well. Jewell spent most of the time she was home tending to Sheena. Try as she would, Crystal could not seem to bring herself to join them, for she loathed the child immensely. She knew it was unfair to do so. After all, the child hadn’t asked to be born. Nonetheless, she came to resent this child who had been forced upon her by a cruel twist of fate and who was now driving a wedge between her and the woman she loved. She’d heard enough people speak of kids putting stress on relationships, even if both people loved and wanted the child, but it seemed to be rather extreme with her and Jewell. Jewell was constantly getting on her to pay more attention to Sheena. Early one morning, she said, “Crystal, you need to start doing your share of the feedings, changings, and bathings. It’s not fair to her or to me to throw it all on me. She’s your daughter, too.” “You wanted her.” Jewell shot her a murderous glare. “Okay, okay, I’ll get up and tend to her right now,” Crystal said, rising from their bed. Jewell followed her into the nursery and watched Crystal lift the child up and sit with her in the rocking chair. The child began to fuss, then to wail loudly. “Crystal, I think she’d like to breastfeed.” “I can’t do that. I’ve tried, but it just doesn’t feel right.” “My God, Crystal!” Jewell cried. “Great. Just great. I’ll go get the bottle, and I’ll feed her.” A moment later, Jewell returned with the bottle, and Crystal held out her hand for it. “I’ll feed her.” Reluctantly, Jewell gave her the bottle. “I’m trying my best, Jewell. I really am. I only let you have so much time with her at night because I’m tending to her all day.” Only this wasn’t quite true. Actually, she ignored Sheena during the daytime when Jewell was at work, for the most part, leaving her shut up in the nursery, making sure to feed and change her just before Jewell arrived home. She actually spent most of the day in bed, exhausted by the infant who wailed all through the days and nights and who never seemed to sleep. She wondered how Jewell found the strength to go to work in the mornings while she lay exhausted. To please Jewell, she tried to be as attentive as she could with the child when she was around. Still, she feared she was losing her. They hardly ever made love anymore, and whenever they’d find time for themselves, the damn kid would start its nonstop wailing, pulling Jewell away from her before they’d even begun to do much. Still, she tried everything she could think of to bring back what she and Jewell once had. She wore the clothes she liked, cooked her favorite foods, kept the house as clean as she could, made and packed her lunches to take to work, and even took the blame for whatever they’d fuss and fight about. She knew she shouldn’t shoulder the blame for things she didn’t truly feel were her fault, but she knew that if she didn’t, Jewell would continue to be upset with her. She hated feeling like she was being taken advantage of, and that’s just what she felt Jewell was doing when she’d yell at her for something, knowing that sooner or later she’d give in and accept the blame. Still, it was quicker and easier to simply shoulder the blame for whatever Jewell felt she was to blame for. One day, she felt like she was going to absolutely suffocate. It was a warm, sunny day. The child had been crying for hours. Nothing she did seemed to stop it. She felt trapped and like she’d either barge into the nursery and do something she’d regret, or have a nervous breakdown. On the brink of hysteria, Crystal fled the house. Unaware of the time, she wandered aimlessly for over an hour, strolling up and down the quiet residential streets, wondering about the lives of those who lived in the pretty, picturesque houses with their well-manicured lawns, blooming flowers, and sparkling windows. Did the adults fuss and fight over any kids they may have? Did they feel more and more cut off from each other once they had them, or had life simply gone on despite the immense increase in responsibilities and financial burdens? Did the husbands reject their wives once they gave birth, deciding that they were no longer appealing and therefore unworthy of intimacy? Crystal glanced down at what she knew had become a rather chubby body. Although she wasn’t overly large, Jewell’s lack of interest in her made her feel as if she might as well be as big as a house, and that’s exactly what it did make her feel—huge, ugly, unwanted, undeserving, not good enough. This made her ask herself a few questions. If nothing she did could rekindle the fire, would she be willing to resign to a life of celibacy at such a young age if that’s what staying with Jewell meant? Or should she leave her and hope to find someone who could love her and be attracted to her? Or maybe she should seek someone solely for sex while she continued to live with Jewell and have a non-monogamous relationship with her? Suddenly, she was aware of the fact that it was getting close to when Jewell would be home. Panic began to seize her. She was five blocks from the house! She broke into a trot, but the kid had left her so out of shape that she had to stop many times along the way to catch her breath. By the time she rounded the corner onto her street, Jewell was already pulling into the garage. She scanned her brain, trying to think of a way she could slip inside undetected—but knew there was no way she could do so. Besides, Jewell had spotted her jogging up to the house. “What the hell are you doing?” she demanded. “I was… I was…” Crystal said breathlessly as she came to a halt in front of Jewell. “I had to clear my head. She wouldn’t stop crying, and I thought I was going to go insane and…” Jewell grabbed Crystal by the arm so hard it felt like it had literally been torn from the shoulder socket. She cried out in pain. “Damn you! Damn you to hell!” she screamed, shaking her like a rag. “You good-for-nothing piece of shit! Get in that house!” Jewell shoved Crystal hard. She almost lost her balance, though she managed to remain on her feet. She felt foolishly clumsy and wimpy nonetheless. “Jewell, I only went…” “Shut up! Just shut up and get in the house.” She practically chased Crystal inside. “I thought I’d do something I’d regret if I…” “Just get out of my face, or I’ll do something I’ll regret!” Jewell screamed, hurting her ears. At first, Jewell’s anger had made her nervous, but now she was getting scared. She turned to run. “No, that way!” Jewell screamed from behind her. Crystal turned to see that Jewell was motioning toward the basement door. “Get your ass down there and don’t let me see your sorry face up here until I say so, understand?” Crystal pulled the basement door open and flew down the flight of stairs, heart pounding, cringing at the echo of the door being slammed shut behind her. A moment later, Crystal’s heartbeat returned to normal as all went silent. Taking a deep breath, she moved away from the foot of the stairs. At least I have a bathroom down here, she thought, wishing like never before that she’d given Sheena up for adoption. Better yet, she wished she’d been born infertile. She had fallen asleep on the old couch when she heard the door open and the footsteps on the stairs. Crystal sat up, wiping the sleep from her eyes. She saw Jewell’s long legs come into view as they descended the stairs. Long, smooth, firm, beautiful legs she longed to touch, to run her hands up and down. If she could only get the chance to do so before the kid demanded something! Apprehension quickly replaced her desire. Jewell slowly strode toward her. She tried not to tremble under Jewell’s intense scrutiny. Disapproval was evident in her expression. “I’m very sorry I let you have it so fiercely, Crystal, but you cannot leave a baby alone like that.” She sat down next to her on the couch. “I think we should have given her up for adoption. This isn’t working out,” Crystal said softly. “Yeah, well, it’s too late for that now. That kid is just as much mine as she is yours, and she’s not going anywhere. So that leaves you with two choices. Either accept it and learn to live with us both, or get out.” “Why is it me that has to do the accepting while you get to make all the decisions around here?” “Do you love me, Crystal?” “Of course I do,” she answered, gazing intently at Jewell. “Then live with me and our child and take part in our lives while you’re at it.” Jewell got up and began to head upstairs. “Hey, wait a minute, Jewell.” Jewell turned back around to face her. “It’s not that cut and dry. We need to make time for each other as well as for her.” “I do my best.” “Well, your best hasn’t been good enough. I feel like we’re simply living together. Not married, not lovers, but just roommates.” “Crystal, there’s more to life and relationships than getting it on.” “We don’t even do that anymore. Tell me why, Jewell. It’s more than just the kid taking up time and tiring us out, isn’t it? It’s how fat I’ve gotten, too.” “Well, you really could afford to lose a good thirty pounds or so, Crystal. Doesn’t mean you’re ugly or that it makes you a bad person, but I think you would look and feel better if you started watching what you eat. You’ve been getting carried away with the eating lately.” “The doctor said that’s normal while I’m still lactating.” “To be hungrier, yes, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat every time you get hungry and eat such large amounts. A little discipline can go a long way, babe. Try an apple when you get hungry rather than a dozen cookies. Or how about a banana over Twinkies?” “I’ll work on it. Especially if you think it’ll rekindle your desire for me if I lose weight. Do you think it would?” “Crystal, you are who you are.” “True. But that doesn’t tell me what you want and what would make you happy.” “Right now, all I want is for you to use some common sense and be responsible. That would make me happy. I understand you’re going through postpartum depression right now, but again, a little discipline is the key to getting over things like this. We all get bummed out from time to time, and we all get to feeling overwhelmed, but we still need to carry on and do what’s right, don’t we?” Crystal nodded. “So then what should you do right now?” “Go take care of Sheena.” “That’s more like it,” Jewell said with a tight smile. Crystal trudged up the stairs, yawning away the last vestiges of sleep. Or trying to anyway. She still felt weary. Overwhelmed, overworked, and far older than her years. “It’s only fair,” said Crystal, later on at the dinner table. “What’s only fair?” asked a puzzled Jewell, looking up from her plate, brows furrowed. “Haven’t you heard a damn thing I said?” Jewell’s blank expression told her she hadn’t. “If I try to lose weight, shouldn’t you try to quit smoking?” Jewell looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, “Well, I know I should, though I don’t know if I’m ready to do that yet. At least I stopped smoking indoors when Sheena was born.” “Yeah, you’ll do for her, but to hell with what Iwant, right, Jewell?” Jewell’s dark eyes turned even darker. “Don’t start, Crystal.” “But what if I’m not ready to lose weight?” she persisted. “Then you’re not ready to lose weight. It’s your life and your body. Do what you want with it.” Jewell jammed her fork into her mashed potatoes, obviously irritated. “Can I ask you an honest question?” “What is it?” “Did you fail to go after the child’s father for fear of him interfering with you adopting her?” Jewell dropped her fork. It hit the plate with a loud clank that made Crystal jump. She was sorry she asked. “You really do have quite an active imagination now, don’t you?” Jewell said with anger. “Well, it’s just that you’re with the FBI, and well, I thought the FBI could find anyone.” “No, Crystal. Think about it. We’re human beings, not God. If you suddenly upped and took off somewhere without telling a soul, without leaving a forwarding address or paper trails of any kind, how would anyone find you unless they had a chance encounter with you?” Crystal picked at her green beans. “I suppose you have a point. Then again, I doubt you’d put much effort into any chance encounters with me if I suddenly disappeared.” She rose from her seat and went upstairs. The days passed by without change. Crystal couldn’t bring herself to be a mother to Sheena, other than for show, to please Jewell when Jewell was home. Nor could Jewell bring herself to be intimate with her during those rare moments when Sheena was either asleep or at least calm and content. “I don’t know if I want to do this,” Crystal said through the darkness one night as they lay in bed, “but maybe we should think of seeing others for intimacy. Not for a relationship…” “Forget it, Crystal. We’re committed to each other, so don’t even think of stepping out on me.” “But Jewell, you can’t have your cake and eat it too, by expecting me not only to not have sex with you but to not have sex with anyone else either. All you care about is your needs and to hell with mine. Well, I have needs too, Jewell, just like you do, and I have a right to have them taken care of. I don’t think you realize just how much you’ve been asking and expecting of me.” “Then I guess you’ll have to leave me.” “Is that what you want?” “It’s up to you, Crystal,” Jewell said with a sigh. “But surely you must have a preference one way or another as to whether or not your own wife decides to leave you for someone who will be more than just a friend to her, don’t you? I mean, surely you can’t be that indifferent.” “Come on, Crystal. I’m tired and I’d like to get some sleep, okay? Can we pick this up in the morning?” “No, we can’t, because every time we say we’ll pick it up later, we never do.” A moment of silence passed. The darkened room was emotionally charged in such a way that it was almost tangible. “Can you honestly tell me you’re okay with us never having sex again?” Crystal asked Jewell. “I don’t know if I’m okay with it because I think we will sooner or later.” Crystal thought about Jewell’s statement. Although she didn’t voice her opinion, to her it sounded like nothing more than an easy and clever way out of admitting the truth—that she simply did not want her. Furthermore, she knew that if things had gone on for as long as they had, they weren’t likely to change in that area, even if she lost weight. After taking the time to really think the situation over, Crystal decided that her love for Jewell far exceeded any desires for sexual encounters with other women, and so she would stay with her. However, she needed to get out of the house more often. She told Jewell this, and Jewell agreed that there was nothing wrong with her going out with Kaori once or twice a week to a movie, or to dinner, or to do some shopping. Crystal was a bit surprised at how well Jewell took to the suggestion of her getting out more. She figured this was because it got her out of her hair for a while. If she didn’t want her around, though, then why was the idea of her having sex with others such a big deal? It made no sense to not want someone you didn’t want yourself to go and have intimate relations with others. In the end, she decided that just like with the weight, it was her life and her body, so she would do as she saw fit with it, depending on what circumstances and events arose. For now, she’d start with weekly outings with Kaori, then maybe she’d lose a little weight. She already lost six pounds as it was and knew there was no reason she couldn’t lose more over time as long as she was willing to deal with the hunger that went with dieting. Kaori was aware of the hardships Crystal had been facing. So was Mathew. They may not have seen much of each other lately, though they spoke on the phone once or twice a week. The only ones she and Jewell had seen quite a bit of lately were Jewell’s mother and her friend Pam, but this was mainly due to Sheena.

“Kaori’s here!” Jewell called up to her. Then she turned and looked down at the Japanese girl whom she towered over and smiled. “She’s up in the nursery changing the baby. She’ll be down in a minute.” “Okay,” Kaori replied with a shy smile, thinking that she’d never want to cross this woman in any way. Crystal came down the stairs. “Hi there.” “Hello,” said Kaori. To Jewell, Crystal said, “Kaori and I are going bowling tonight. Would you like to join us? I’m sure your mom wouldn’t mind watching Sheena.” “Nah, I’m pretty tired. After a week of dealing with unsolved murders, kidnappings, robberies, fussy babies, and bitchy wives, I just want to relax.” Crystal glared at Jewell. “You really are an asshole at times, you know that?” Kaori tensed, afraid of how Jewell may react to Crystal’s words. Instead of any outbursts, however, she simply chuckled and said, “Yeah, I know that.” “Yes, and you would laugh at that, you insensitive bitch from hell.” “Have a good night, ladies,” Jewell said, turning to head toward the back of the house. “I hope you have a shitty night yourself,” Crystal called out to her. “Thank you,” came the reply. Sheena began her wailing just as the two friends left the house in Kaori’s new compact. In the car, over the drone of the air conditioner—which was on to dry the air more than to cool it—Kaori said, “I can see where you’re getting fed up with her. I know you’d hate to have to give up living in such a nice place, but do you really think she’s worth sticking around for? There are so many other fish in the sea, you know? Ones you may be more compatible with, too. You just don’t seem happy. Maybe you should leave her with Sheena and move back into the city. There are always vacancies in my building, and I’m sure the diner would take you back. If not, there’s plenty of other places you could work.” “Yes, I know this, and truthfully, I don’t know what I’m going to do. There are times I have hopes of things working out between us. But then, just when I see that faint flicker of hope, we get into an argument. It seems all we do is fight over the kid, and of course, there’s the issue of her neglecting me sexually.” “Do you think there is any hope?” “I can’t say for sure. Right now, all I want to do is enjoy a night out. How’s Roy?” A smile plastered Kaori’s face as she drove, though she didn’t take her eyes off the wet, slick street. “Awesome.” “Awesome?” Her friend nodded, still beaming. “I’m so glad we met. He’s smart, he’s caring, he’s sexy. What more can I ask for?” “I’m happy for you. Mat’s going out with someone he just met, too.” Kaori turned into the bowling alley’s parking lot. Although Crystal was happy for her friend and her cousin with their newfound flames, why was it that she couldn’t be happy as well? She still loved Jewell and God knew she was fine-looking; it was just that the baby got in the way. If only, if only she could find the father! Yet in a city of a hundred and fifty thousand, that wasn’t likely any more than it was likely for him to still be in the city. He was probably in New York or Boston. Maybe even in another part of the country.

He watched her and the Asian chick exit the bowling alley and rolled his window down. They were laughing. Something about a ball jumping across to another lane. He knew her name was Crystal Pierceson. He had learned that much from talking to people who knew her in the building she once lived in. One of them even told him the street she moved to in Longmeadow. “I heard her tell the landlord that,” they had told him. “When she told him she was moving there, he said that his parents lived there, and asked what section of town she was moving to. That’s when she named the street in a newer section of the town.” They came closer. He slumped further down in his seat behind the wheel of his old station wagon. The one his father had helped him to fix while they drank beer, blasted rock music, which annoyed the neighbors, and spoke of their hatred toward women. “Warren Prince,” his father had told him that day, “women are only good for one thing and for one thing only. Remember that, son.” They hated them so much that some were coming to suspect they were gay. Prince knew he was anything but gay. He had no sexual interest in men, just because he preferred to be in their presence over women. Women who did nothing but complain and demand. Women who were never satisfied. Women who teased men, led them on, made like they were the superior sex. His only interest in women was sexual. When he wasn’t having his way with one—which usually had to be by force because they thought they were too good for him—he didn’t want them around. Not unless they were mere pictures, like those who posed naked in dirty magazines. When they were nothing more than ink on paper, they couldn’t argue with him or make him feel small, like his mother used to before his dad killed her. His dad had no idea that he knew he had killed her, but he knew, nonetheless. He knew it because he had witnessed it. The bitch and her friend approached a compact car in the spot directly across from him. He pulled his cap down over his forehead, grabbed a map, and looked down as if studying it. Now he could hear the bitch complaining about having to go back and deal with the baby—which he figured he had fathered—and a woman who wasn’t interested in her. He couldn’t blame the butch of a cop she lived with. The bitch didn’t exactly have the body she’d had when he snatched her up off the street a year ago. He’d followed her ever since she so stupidly sought him out. He was amazed that she had the gall to give him her real address, but how dare she invade his sanctuary and threaten him the way she had, forcing him to run! No woman did that to him and got away with it, no woman. And she would soon learn this. The only reason he hadn’t gone after her yet was that he was still on probation. He’d done a little jail time for possession after raping the bitch, and he couldn’t afford to have a kidnapped woman in his place that his probation officer may discover on one of his frequent and annoying visits to the house he was now renting in the northern part of the city. It had a basement that would be the perfect hideaway for the slut once he got hold of her. And this time, he wouldn’t let her go! His only problem was the damn pig. He knew she was with the FBI. The jacket she sometimes wore told him that much. He also knew when she was home and when she wasn’t. He smiled as the compact pulled away. Things were turning out great. He hadn’t been able to get this last chick out of his mind. He had simply forgotten about the others after discarding them, yet when he finished with this one, she hadn’t simply gone away and faded into a distant memory in the very back of his mind like the others. His only regret was ruining the bitch’s figure with the kid. Other than that, he longed to touch that smooth, creamy flesh one more time. To see the terror in her eyes as she pleaded for her life. Once hadn’t been enough with this one.