Traces of Hope

On her way to Kaori’s apartment, just a few buildings away from hers, she reflected upon the previous evening. Jewell had been a bit rough with her, yet she had still enjoyed herself and found her to be appealing in many ways. Even if she was a little eager in bed, Crystal was clearly attracted to Jewell—Jewell, who lived in a beautiful home in a nice, safe neighborhood. Jewell, the hot FBI agent. Crystal climbed the stairs to her friend’s apartment, which was also on the fourth floor, and knocked on the door. A moment later, the door opened. Kaori was short, slender, and Japanese, with long, straight, jet-black hair and piercing dark eyes. Although straight, she was a very open-minded individual. It’d take a serious brain tumor to make her homophobic, the vivacious girl had always insisted. She and Kaori were the same age and had met in the third grade. The two had been best friends ever since. Perhaps this was because they both had unhappy homes to return to after school. They both used to walk home together, each silently dreading what they might find when they entered their houses. Neither had been physically or sexually abused, though things had been bad enough for them, especially for Kaori. Her parents, immigrants from Japan, fought constantly. Kaori’s only sanctuary within the house was down in the basement, where her stereo was. She would often blast music to drown out her parents’ shouts and insults until they yelled for her to turn it down. When they did, she’d plug in headphones. By the time Kaori was fifteen, her parents had divorced. Her father returned to Japan and was never heard from or seen again, while her mother had resorted to the bottle for company on the long, lonely nights ahead. Now having to survive on one income, Kaori and her mother sold their modest house and moved into a small two-bedroom apartment in Springfield’s south end. “Southy” was mostly known for its high Italian, Vietnamese, Black, and Puerto Rican population. Once Kaori graduated, her mother moved with a friend to Florida, while she got herself a one-bedroom apartment in the Forest Park section of Springfield. The neighborhood had been a fairly decent one at first, but had taken a turn for the worse practically overnight. When she first moved in, the streets were dead come nightfall. Now, however, the worst of the “Creepy Crawlies” could be seen all throughout the nights, regardless of weather, temperature, or season. Pimps, hookers, johns, druggies, and dealers were a regular part of the street, day and night. Kaori had recently graduated from beauty school and now worked as a hairdresser and manicurist in a section of the city known as the “X” for its two main drags that formed an X in that area. She had two goals in life. She wished to one day own her own salon and to marry and have a family. So far, most of the guys she’d met had other plans that did not include settling down and raising children, so she had to settle for what she’d refer to as “romantic flings.” “It’s better than nothing,” she had once said. “One of those so-called flings may one day lead to something more, and well, it’s better than being alone, lonely, and celibate.” As the girls would learn at a young age, sometimes you just had to take what you could get in life and just hope for the best. “So you’ve already had yourselves a romp in the hay, huh?” asked Kaori a few minutes later in her small but cozy living room. “Yeah, with a little more kick to it than I’d have liked, but it was fun, nonetheless, and she seems really cool. She spoiled the hell out of me.” Kaori grinned, happy for her friend. “Tell me all about it.” Crystal told Kaori of the talks they’d had and of the dinner they’d cooked, then she left to go home and get ready for work. Her eyes scanned the streets and driveways between apartment buildings, remembering Jewell’s words about the chances of her attacker still being in the area. Mathew had been right; she wanted to spot him. She wouldn’t shoot him in front of witnesses, but she’d find a way to get him alone, and when she did, the city would have one less sick twist on its hands. Dominique had the night off, so Crystal would be working with Merrie instead, a woman in her early fifties. Merrie was a friendly, yet quiet woman. The two didn’t say much to each other throughout the night except when it was necessary to do so. Just before 3:00, two young men entered the diner. Tendrils of anxiety began to seize hold of her as they approached her. Something wasn’t right with these two. Both were tall and lanky and wore their hair slicked back. “Hey there, babe,” said the one with black hair. “Not much action tonight or what?” “I guess not,” Crystal said politely, looking around the empty diner. His auburn-haired friend was checking her out, making her feel as if she were being undressed by his eyes. She thought of fetching her gun, wishing she’d had it in the pocket of her apron, but it was too late—because the dark-haired one pulled his own gun first. Crystal knew that Merrie was in the back on break, but where the hell was Ray? Her eyes darted from one nightmare to another, trying to remain as calm as she could. She knew that the more fear she showed, the more she’d be giving them what they wanted. “Ever get laid on the job?” asked the dark-haired one with a leering grin, breath reeking of booze. “Get out of here now,” Crystal said as firmly and as steadily as she possibly could. “They’re in the back calling the cops right now.” The auburn-haired one laughed, unfazed. “That’s alright,” the dark-haired one said. “We still have time for a quickie before they get here.” Just then, Jewell burst through the door, gun in one hand, badge held up in the other. The relief that washed through Crystal nearly made her faint. “Drop it, asshole!” Jewell shouted. “Whoa, woman!” yelled the auburn-haired one, jumping away from Jewell. “Where the hell did you come from?” “From your worst nightmare—if your buddy here doesn’t drop his piece. Drop the fucking gun now!” Jewell demanded. Although there was one of her and two of them, her presence was clearly intimidating them, for the dark-haired one slowly lowered his gun. Crystal was awed by Jewell’s power and skill as it overwhelmed the two perps into submission. “Come on,” insisted the auburn-haired one, now nervous as hell. “She’s a Fed. We ain’t messing with no Feds. Let’s go!” The two bolted for the door and ran straight into two uniformed police officers. “You okay?” Jewell asked, turning to Crystal. Crystal nodded. “And forever grateful to you. Thank you so very, very much, Jewell!” Merrie and Ray rushed forth to thank Jewell for her heroic rescue and to give statements to the cops along with Crystal. After the excitement died down and Merrie went to greet a customer, Crystal sauntered over to Jewell, who sat at the counter. “How can I ever repay you?” she said. “Come away with me,” Jewell told her, picking up her coffee mug. Stunned, Crystal simply stared at her. “Come live with me and let me take care of you. God knows I have plenty of space in that big old house of mine.” Crystal exhaled a breath of surprise. “I’ll work during the day, you keep up the house, and we’ll keep each other warm at night. It makes no sense for you to work here and live in the slums when I have so much space and can afford to take care of us both. What do you say, Crystal?” A smile broadened upon Crystal’s face. “I say I’m mighty flattered, but…” “But what?” “I don’t know, Jewell. It’s awfully sweet of you to want to take care of me, but I wouldn’t want you to feel like the only reason I was running to you was to escape my present life.” “So it can be just one of the reasons then.” Crystal chuckled, amazed at Jewell’s determination. “I’ll give it some thought.” Jewell flashed a smile.

The next day, Crystal’s worst fear was officially confirmed, and she could no longer avoid it. The weight gain, the morning sickness, the fatigue—it all had to mean something, and it did. She’d gotten the home pregnancy test before work. When it told her what she didn’t want to know, she called her mother in a panic. “Just get an abortion, Crystal, and you’ll be okay,” said her mother. “Why didn’t you tell me about what this guy did to you when it happened?” “I didn’t want to worry you, Mom. One of us having to deal with it is enough.” “But I don’t have to deal with it. I’m not the one it happened to.” “Lucky you,” said Crystal. Once she hung up from speaking with her mother, she wasn’t sure if she felt all that much better—or if calling her had been the right thing to do. Her mother had always been insensitive to other people’s hardships unless she could somehow relate. She knew she could talk to Mathew or Kaori about it. If anyone would give her the support she needed, it would be them. He wouldn’t make her feel like somehow, some way, it had all been her fault and that she’d asked for it. Like maybe if she’d only dressed differently, walked differently, worn her hair differently, avoided that street altogether… But what about Jewell? Would she still want her? Maybe she wouldn’t bother to tell her. After all, she could simply get the abortion, and she’d never even have to know about it. Why burden others unnecessarily? her mother had always told her. A few days later, she was at her doctor’s office when things went from bad to worse. It was too late for her to get an abortion—the fetus was just over three months old. She wept hysterically for ten minutes, then she took the bus home. When she locked herself inside her apartment, she checked her voicemail for messages. There was another message from Jewell. “Crystal, what’s up? Been trying to reach you for a couple of days now, yet you never answer. I’m getting a little worried. They told me last night at the diner you’d be back on tonight, so hopefully I’ll see you then. Bye for now, sweetie.” With that, she erased the message, hung up the phone, and proceeded to beat her stomach mercilessly. She waited for the pain and the bleeding to start, but it never did. Instead, she would be forced to have the child that a ruthless monster had helped to create. “You look terrible,” said Dominique as Crystal went to punch in several hours later. “Hello to you, too,” Crystal mumbled. “I didn’t mean that as an insult, but as a concern. What’s going on, girl?” Crystal placed her card in its holder and turned to face her worried co-worker. She took a deep breath and sighed. “Oh, not much. I’ll just be having the child that was raped into me in about half a year from now because I didn’t catch the damn thing in time. That’s all.” Dominique’s jaw dropped. “What? You’re kidding!” “Do you really think I’d kid about something like this?” Dominique looked regretful. “No, I guess you wouldn’t. I’m sorry, honey. Real, real sorry. Anything I can do to help?” “Can you hunt the bastard down and kill him?” Dominique was speechless. “I guess you can’t, but thanks anyway.” The two worked in silence, Dominique casting a worried glance in Crystal’s direction from time to time. After a while, when the diner emptied out, Crystal approached Dominique. “Hey, I’m sorry, Dominique,” she said. “It’s not your fault I’m in this mess.” “It’s okay, sweets. I understand. Can I give you a word of advice, though?” “Sure,” said Crystal. “Give the child up for adoption. You’re much too young to have a child, no matter what’s going on in your life or how you conceived it, and I think that if you did keep it, you’d only end up wishing you’d given it up. Take it from me—you really want to wait till you’re in your thirties or even forties before you have any children. There’s so much to learn, do, and see in life. I don’t mean to imply that younger parents are blatant idiots, but having a child around so young could certainly hinder your growth.” “Oh, I’m not keeping it for a second. The minute it’s born, if I’m not blessed with a miscarriage along the way, it’s out of my life.” They heard the diner’s door open and glanced toward it in time to see Jewell enter. “Does she know?” Dominique asked softly. “Not yet.” “Hello there, ladies,” said Jewell. “Hello,” said Dominique, quickly heading over to clean some tables. Jewell’s gaze focused on Crystal. Crystal knew she knew something was wrong, for Jewell was a very perceptive individual. “What’s wrong, Crystal, and where’ve you been?” she asked, settling onto the stool at the counter. Crystal struggled to keep herself together. How easy it would have been to burst into tears and throw herself in Jewell’s arms. “Did you get my messages?” “Yes. Look, uh, something came up, and well, this isn’t exactly the place to discuss it.” “Okay,” Jewell said, though still with concern evident in her eyes. “I’m off tomorrow.” “So am I.” “So then maybe you could stop by tomorrow,” Crystal suggested. “Absolutely. I promised my folks I’d have dinner at their place, so how about I stop by around 7:00 and take you back to my place? Perhaps you can stay overnight. It’s supposed to start snowing sometime in the evening, and I don’t know how safe driving would be after that.” “That’d be fine,” Crystal said. She started to walk away, then caught herself. “Oh! Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. I didn’t even ask what you wanted.” “It’s okay, babe. Just coffee will be fine tonight.” Crystal brought Jewell the coffee, then kept her distance for the rest of the time she sat at the counter. She was aware of her worried eyes upon her every move. Not once did she sift through any papers as she usually did. She left the usual five-dollar bill.

She was returning from Kaori’s the next afternoon at 4:30 after returning the CDs she had borrowed from her. Kaori had been supportive of her decision to give the child up for adoption, but she also assured her that she’d be supportive and as helpful as she could if Crystal happened to change her mind and keep the child. Crystal knew that changing her mind would be the last thing she would ever do, though she appreciated Kaori’s support and concern. Crystal wrapped her arms around herself as she headed back to her building. It wasn’t a long walk, yet in the frigid cold it seemed like miles. And then she saw him! She was maybe four or five buildings away from her own when she spotted him crossing the street and heading for an opening between two buildings. Her breath caught in her throat and her heart took off wildly. The shabby-looking rapist appeared to be in his mid-twenties. He was somewhat tall and of medium build, with chestnut hair and a blotchy, milky complexion. His stride was confident and he seemed oblivious to his surroundings. Crystal watched the fast-paced monster disappear between the two buildings. She broke into a trot, then stilled before rounding the corner. For all she knew, he could’ve spotted her yet pretended not to, planning to grab her once she rounded the corner. Heart beating thunderously, she peered around the corner just in time to see him round the corner to the back of the building opposite the one she’d approached. Crystal jogged back to that corner, hand thrust into her pocket and around the handle of her gun. The monster was now ascending the back stairwell and approaching the second floor of the dwelling. “The landlord is not going to like this,” she suddenly heard. Crystal’s eyes darted toward two women dragging an old easy chair out by the dumpster. “Tough shit. With the atrocious rent we pay, he’ll just have to deal with it.” Crystal’s gaze flew back up the old, rickety stairwell. He was on his way to the third floor when he spotted her. He stopped, blinked in surprise, then leaned over the rail to get a better look. Despite her fluttering heartbeat, Crystal shouted up, “Yes, it’s really me.” She tightened her grip on her pistol. “I’m no figment of your imagination.” “What do you want?” he shouted down, in both surprise and anger. “To kill you. Only I can’t do that right now because there are people around,” she said, motioning to the two women who were now eyeing her curiously. “I’ll be back, though,” Crystal said, starting to walk away. “Better yet, why don’t you come to me?” The rapist stared down at her, at a loss for words. “One-eighty Woodside,” Crystal said, gesturing toward where her building was. “Just two doors down, apartment fourteen. Stop by sometime. See ya later, alligator.” Crystal ran past the confused and curious women and toward her building. “You’re insane!” the rapist called out after her. “Completely and utterly insane!” By the time she opened the door to Jewell a few hours later, she could no longer hold herself together. As if a dam had burst behind her eyes, she broke down in tears, sobbing hysterically. Jewell held her up as she shut the door behind them. “It’s okay,” she cooed soothingly. “I’m here now. Come on. Let’s get you settled on the couch, and you can tell me all about it.” Jewell guided Crystal to the couch, but it was a moment or two before she could calm down enough to speak. “I—I found out I was pregnant, and that it’s too late to get an abortion,” she sobbed. “I tried to lose it on my own, but it didn’t do me any good,” she cried. “Well, maybe it’s just meant to be then,” Jewell said gently. “Meant to be? How can this be meant to be!” Crystal cried. Jewell shrugged and let Crystal sob for a few minutes more before asking, “Do you want kids?” Crystal shook her head. “Not now. I’m young, I’m broke, and totally not ready. Furthermore, this isn’t the way I’d have wanted to get pregnant—even if I did want one now.” Not taking her intent, concerned gaze off of Crystal, Jewell said, “I can understand that.” “I’m going to give it up for adoption. Meanwhile, I saw him.” “You saw him?” Crystal nodded. “I know what he drives and where he lives, though I didn’t think to get his license as I should’ve.” She told Jewell everything that had happened and gave her a detailed description of the hateful predator. “So you’re going to go gun him down as soon as you think no one’s around to see you?” “I’d prefer to do it in his apartment, if not mine.” “Oh, that’s just great, Crystal.” “Well, if we know the courts are worthless, what else can I do?” Crystal asked, becoming angry. “Sweetie, if I thought you stood a chance of getting away with it, I’d tell you to go ahead and shoot the fucker. But that’s just not possible. You can’t just go shoot someone, no matter how pissed you are at them and no matter how much they may deserve it. If someone forced their way in here, that’d be different.” “That’s why I gave him the address.” “Well, he’s not coming, Crystal. Not if he has any common sense. Because if he has any sense at all, he should know you’ve got something like this planned for him. If anything, he’s up and left the area by now for sure.” Crystal looked Jewell in the eye and said, “Jewell, you don’t get it. I’ve already made up my mind about this. This isn’t someone fucking me over by stealing twenty bucks from me or by not returning something they borrowed. This is rape, plus a child I could never love.” “Okay,” Jewell said resolutely. “Before we discuss the child, let’s discuss prison.” Crystal sighed and rolled her eyes. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a child in custody, Crystal?” Crystal remained silent, arms folded across her chest as she fell back against the back of the couch. She stared straight ahead with determination on her pretty features. “First, they’ll likely insist you’re feigning it when you tell them you’re in labor, so they don’t have to give you anything to aid with the pain. Then you'd better hope the doctor really is a doctor who’s qualified to deliver babies in a way that both you and the child will survive, unharmed. Understand what I’m saying? They don’t prep you like they’re supposed to, Crystal, and should you need an emergency c-section, you just might be in big trouble.” “They couldn’t get away with risking the lives of the mothers and children like that,” said Crystal. “Oh yes, they could. And they do. I hate to say it, but I can assure you it’s a common occurrence. Remember whose custody you’d be in, for God’s sake. They are the law, hun, so they can make it or break it as they see fit. They won’t give a shit about you. You’d be just another criminal to them. If someone happened to accuse them of malpractice, all they’d have to say is that the inmate waited till the last minute to inform them they were in labor and that things happened so fast from there on out that they got so out of control. You see, Crystal? All they have to do is say they tried their best. Nothing could be proven otherwise.” Crystal remained silent. “Most women survive,” Jewell continued. “After all, before there was such a thing as medicine, doctors, or hospitals, women had babies all the time. But do you really want to risk being one of the few that may not make it through?” Crystal still said nothing. “Natural childbirth is always best, Crystal, but if I were you, I’d want to be in a place where I had the option of having something to help with the pain if I decided I wanted it, and I’d like to know I could count on them to try their damnedest to see that I didn’t bleed to death in the end either.” “I don’t give a damn about the kid,” Crystal said. “Why?” Crystal glanced at Jewell, eyes narrowing. “You really do ask some dumb questions, don’t you?” “But the child is innocent,” Jewell said softly and patiently. “I understand that,” Crystal said. “But you obviously don’t understand.” Jewell took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. “Fortunately, I’ve never been in your shoes, so no, I can’t say I thoroughly know what you’re going through. However, I can understand that this isn’t going to be an easy thing for you in light of the circumstances.” Crystal felt her eyes stinging with fresh tears. Jewell took her hands in hers and said, “Look, babe, I know this may seem awfully selfish of me, but this could be an opportunity for us to raise a child together. I know you’re young…” “No way,” Crystal interrupted. “Don’t even think of it. Get pregnant yourself or adopt a child.” “Okay, I’ll adopt a child,” Jewell said matter-of-factly. “How about yours?” “It’s not mine, Jewell. It will live in me till it’s born, but it’s not mine. Never will be. Never could be. Think about it, will you? How could I ever look at it and not see him? Besides, violent behavior like this is often as hereditary as it is environmental. Basically, what that means is that I got a nut growing inside me, and I want no part of it.” “When is the baby due?” Jewell asked in a tone of resignation. “July.” “You have six months, so let’s just give it a rest and see what happens.” “I know what’s going to happen, Jewell.” “Okay, but let’s not make any decisions right now as far as adoption or anything else goes. Let’s just concentrate on getting you out of here. When is your lease up?” “I don’t have a lease. I pay by the month.” Jewell appeared thoughtful for a moment, then said, “I think we should get married.” Stunned, Crystal looked at Jewell. “What?” “You’re going to need insurance, Crystal, and I have a feeling you don’t get that at the diner. It costs thousands of dollars to have a baby.” Crystal looked away again wordlessly. “So, tonight we’ll take whatever you need to get you through the night. You can quit your job—I’ll be back on days in a week—then we’ll pick up a U-Haul tomorrow and move you out of here.” “And live happily ever after with a monster’s child?” Crystal asked incredulously. Jewell sighed. “Having a child, no matter how it came into the world, can be a good thing. Like I said, though, let’s not decide anything now other than getting you out of this slum, okay?” Crystal sniffled, looked at Jewell, then nodded. Then, in one quick, fluid movement, she flung her arms around Jewell. Jewell held her tightly, gently rocking her back and forth as she ran a hand through her long, silky hair. Then she pulled back, cupped the sides of Crystal’s face, and brought her lips to hers. “Feeling better?” Jewell asked a moment later. Crystal nodded. “I just don’t want this to be solely a marriage of convenience. I need to know that you could one day love me.” “I can, Crystal, and I already do.” Jewell waited for Crystal to put together an overnight bag. Hands clasped behind her, she gazed down at the street almost forty feet below. “Okay, I’m ready,” Crystal said, stepping out of the bedroom five minutes later. “All set?” She nodded, and the two left the building. The sun was now slung low in the sky, though there was still enough light to see well enough as they slowly crept down the street. “This is the building,” Crystal said, pointing to it. “This one?” Jewell asked, nodding toward it. “Yes.” The car continued to roll down the street. “What are you doing? Where are you going?” asked Crystal. “To my place. Isn’t that what we agreed on?” “Why won’t you check it out with me?” “For one, Crystal, he’s long gone, like I said he’d be, and besides, what do you expect us to do anyway? Go knocking on every door from the third floor up, ready to shoot anyone who resembles him? I don’t mean to sound like I’m suggesting I’m superior to you or anything, but I’m an FBI agent, and you’re just a waitress.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “It means I’ll take care of things.” “How?” “That’s for me to know and you to wonder.” “That’s not fair.” “I know it seems that way, but that’s just the way it’s got to be—or I can’t do anything at all. You already made the mistake of telling him you wanted to kill him in front of witnesses, so you’ll just have to trust me to handle it my way from here on out, okay?” “But what can you do? Hunt him down, make him confess, and hope to get him jailed for more than five minutes?” Jewell glanced at Crystal, then back at the road. Flurries were already beginning to fall. “What would you like for dinner?” “Nothing. I have no appetite at the moment.” Jewell reached to turn the heat up. It whooshed through the vents, circulating warmth throughout the comfortable and expensive car in seconds. “Have you spoken to a counselor of any kind about this, Crystal?” “No.” “Would you consider it if I paid for it?” Crystal snapped her head in Jewell’s direction. “What, do you think I’m losing it?” “No,” Jewell said carefully. “I just think you’ve been through a rather horrendous ordeal that ought to be discussed with someone more qualified than I am.” “Is that your way of saying you can’t handle it? Because if you can’t, you can just bring me back and forget about me.” “I don’t want to do that, Crystal, and I can deal with it. It’s how you’re dealing with it I’m worried about.” “Well, then, why don’t you stop worrying?” “Because I care about you.” “I think I’m handling it quite ordinarily.” “There’s nothing ordinary about beating your stomach so black and blue you can hardly recognize it. Nor is there anything ordinary about cutting yourself, holding your breath, or jumping…” “Look, Jewell, I appreciate your concern, but why don’t you just worry about yourself and yourself only?” “Because we’re going to be married, and when you’re married, you worry about the other person as well as yourself.” “I didn’t say yes to your proposal.” “Didn’t exactly say no, either.” “We don’t know each other well.” “We’ll get to know each other well.” “But if you think I’m so out of the ordinary, then why would you want me?” “Because I do. No one’s perfect, after all. We all have our problems and our hardships in life. Meanwhile, you’re a beautiful lady with a lovely personality. Have you spoken to your family about this?” “I told my mother when I first found out I was pregnant.” “And?” “She advised me to get an abortion.” “Oh,” said Jewell. “You never told me you loved me. Aren’t you supposed to say that before you propose?” Crystal asked. Jewell grinned and said, “Okay, I love you, Crystal.” “I don’t know if I believe you.” “Do you think you could love me?” Crystal thought hard about it. “I don’t know. I hope so. I know I’d like to love you, and I guess it’s fair to say that I should fall in love with you. There’d be no reason not to. You’re good-looking, and you seem to be a very caring, generous person, even if you are a bit pushy. I’ve always wanted what most straight women want, only with another woman. I wanted to fall in love with a woman who loves me too, marry her, then adopt a child or two in our thirties or forties.” “You have most of that now, babe, but remember, no one gets it all. Life throws a lot of unplanned stuff at us as well as things we expect, so you just have to make do with what you have, you know?” Crystal shrugged, then after a moment, she turned to Jewell and said, “I don’t want a child of rape, and I am going to keep trying to lose it.” “And lose yourself, too?” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “Just what I said, Crystal. If you try to lose the child, you could end up killing yourself as well.” “I doubt it.” “If you don’t kill either one of you, you could cause the child to be born with all kinds of problems that could hinder its adoption.” Crystal sat in silence, staring out at the falling snowflakes. “Just don’t do anything stupid, okay, hon? Let nature run its course and let fate play itself out. You’ll find that things end up turning out okay in the end that way. Trust me. I hate to sound like a nag, but it’s when we run from fate that things tend to get tougher.” The snowfall increased as the sky turned to a darker, more ominous shade of gray.