No Feelings

“How’s Ange, Mom?” Butler asked over the phone. He was calling from the office where he spent most of his days. There was usually a guard stationed there with him, but fortunately, the man had stepped out just as Butler decided to make the call. For once, he didn’t have to worry about Gabriel listening in, and for a fleeting moment, alone in his office, he almost felt like a normal person—someone who wasn’t being watched. Almost—because he still knew the call was being monitored, and he had to be careful about what he said. As it turned out, Ange was doing better than ever, his mother reported, filling him in on all the details she knew. Butler smiled. Every time he heard news of his sister and was reassured that she was okay, a wave of relief washed over him. It helped him continue existing in this place with a little more peace of mind. Yes, he still worried for her safety, despite the relationship he’d managed to build with Gabriel over the past few days. Gabriel hadn’t mentioned his threat in a long time and didn’t seem to have any reason to carry it out, but Butler couldn’t shake the feeling that it was wise to stay cautious. “And are you alright, Philip?” His mother’s question caught him off guard, though he should have expected it. Remembering how he was supposed to sound, he chuckled the way he always did when things were actually going well—and, for some reason, this chuckle didn’t even feel forced. “Yeah, I’m fine. Can’t say the same for the situation here, though.” The words slipped out before he could stop them, and he immediately bit his tongue. Pausing, his mother lowered her voice. “I knew something was up with you. Tell me honestly—is it anything to do with that new boss of yours? Just yes or no. Don’t say anything else.” She seemed to think someone nearby might overhear them—but she had no idea their conversation could be monitored in real time. Making a mental note of her perceptiveness despite his earlier reassurances, Butler replied, “No. To be honest, he’s a real pain in the ass.” He chuckled, hoping Gabriel might hear it. “But we’ve got enough problems here without him. You know yourself—the war only ended recently, and the unrest is still going on.” It was a plausible explanation—and how could it not be? It was the pure truth. Only, the unrest didn’t concern him much anymore; he’d been removed from active duty a long time ago. Not that he could mention that. His mother easily switched to another topic. They chatted for a while about the district’s problems, even discussing the plight of the Japanese. As the conversation drew to a close, she said with noticeable relief: “Sounds like you’re really managing over there. It’s good you’re calling us now. I beg you, don’t disappear again! You have no idea how worried we were. Even Ange was worried.” “Oh, come on,” Butler laughed, though a strange feeling stirred inside him. “Why would she care?” “Don’t say that,” his mother replied. “Even though you two haven’t gotten along for a long time, you’re still her older brother. She loves you in her own way, believe me.” Butler’s heart ached at her words. “I love her too,” he said softly. “And I love you and Dad, too, Mom.” “Oh, Philip...” Her voice was thick with emotion. It was clear she was touched—he’d never said anything like that before. Feeling a lump rise in his throat, Butler quickly shifted back to his usual cheerful tone. “Don’t worry, I won’t disappear again, that’s for sure. You won’t even notice how soon I’ll call again.” After hanging up, Butler leaned back in his chair, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. For the first time since arriving in this country, he felt an overwhelming desire to go home—to see his family, just to be with them for a while. He wondered why he hadn’t felt that way before and could only come up with one answer: it was simply that... he hadn’t been able to imagine how easily a life could disappear, collapse, be turned upside down. And that a new day wasn’t guaranteed. He shook his head, as if to clear his thoughts, and stood up. As he left the office, his gaze met the guard’s. He grinned. “I’m going to the restroom. Want to escort me?” The guard pretended not to hear, but his cold, detached eyes rolled slightly in annoyance. Then, without a word, he followed Butler, stopping about a foot and a half from the restroom door and taking up position outside while Butler quietly closed the door behind him. Before stepping back into that confined world—where he would once again be under constant watch—Butler splashed cold water on his face and rubbed it into his skin. He looked up at his reflection. Certainly, he didn’t look like that pale shadow with empty eyes anymore—but even so, he wasn’t the man he used to be. A subtle change he couldn’t quite place—but it was there. Maybe he had lost something that could never be recovered. Screw it all, he muttered to himself, turning away from the mirror. It was better not to look at himself at all. The only trouble was, it wasn’t so easy to shake off those nagging thoughts. As usual, he returned to his room in the evening and immediately gathered what he needed to take a shower. Glancing at the clock, he estimated how much time he had left and thought it probably wouldn’t be enough. But Gabriel might come later—or even if not, then… Without finishing the thought, Butler left the room, and, as always, the guard escorted him all the way to the bathroom. He stayed there for a long time, doing everything slowly, as if he had nowhere to be. When he returned to the bedroom, Gabriel was already there—sitting in a chair, he turned his head and gave Butler a long look. “You’re keeping me waiting,” Gabriel said, a faint smile playing on his lips, though his voice held clear irritation. Butler looked away. “I... I didn’t think you’d come so soon.” Gabriel scoffed skeptically and turned away. Clearly, he didn’t believe the excuse, but there was no point in trying to explain. Butler took a seat in the chair across from him, and from that moment on, the evening proceeded as usual. Slowly sipping his wine— which had even started to taste good to him lately—Butler listened to Gabriel and couldn’t help but smile. Gabriel was still talking about his day, but now it genuinely sounded like a story, not just a nonstop stream of complaints. He described most of it indifferently, yet from time to time, a faint smile would appear on his face. Butler began to think that some parts of Gabriel’s daily life might actually bring him a bit of joy, even if only a little. And for some reason, that thought made him feel better, too. “You’re changing, you know,” Butler said, still smiling. “It seems like life is starting to bring you a little more joy.” Gabriel merely sneered in response. “Really? I don’t think anything has actually changed.” Butler hesitated, wondering if he’d jumped to conclusions. Gabriel’s expressionless gaze swept across a small area—from the nearest wall to the floor at his feet. Then, suddenly, he looked back up at Butler. “You’re changing too, by the way,” he remarked with the same mocking smile. “Just not for the better.” Butler lowered his gaze. “I’m almost used to it,” Gabriel went on. “You’ve been like this for a long time, but... lately, you seem really down.” Butler shrugged, as if to say, ‘What can I do about it?’ They sat in silence for a short while. “Do you miss your family?” Gabriel asked. For a moment, Butler was surprised by the guess—then he remembered his conversation with his mother earlier that day and forced a smile. “Yeah, actually. I never thought I’d miss them so much. I guess it’s just from being away from home for so long.” Gabriel didn’t respond right away, as if turning the answer over in his mind. “No surprise there,” he said with a smile. “But at least you can call them. Just...”—he glanced into Butler’s eyes, adding casually—“...not all topics are safe to discuss.” “Yeah, I know,” Butler grumbled. It was obvious Gabriel was hinting at how close he’d come to saying too much. Gently swirling the last bit of wine in his glass, Gabriel let out a short laugh. “By the way, you sounded so sure you’d call again—but where does that confidence come from? I could shut this down in a second.” “But you won’t,” Butler said calmly. Gabriel flinched slightly. “Why not?” His lips curled into an unpleasant sneer. “You think you have that much influence over me?” “No,” Butler looked away. “I just don’t think it’s in your best interest.” Gabriel stared at him silently, clearly waiting for more. Butler sighed. “Haven’t I said this already? After finally getting back in touch, it’d be strange if I disappeared again—especially when I was so clearly asked not to. That would definitely raise suspicion. And you don’t need that.” “Ha. Yeah, right,” Gabriel sneered again. “So that’s what you planned all along?” “I didn’t plan anything,” Butler said tiredly. “I just wanted to hear from them. That’s all.” The conversation was becoming increasingly burdensome. Gabriel’s tone was starting to make Butler feel sick. After a brief pause, the other man offered a conciliatory smile. “All right, let’s forget it.” He reached for the bottle, refilled his own glass, and was about to do the same for Butler, but Butler raised his hand. “No, that’s enough for me.” Gabriel didn’t push. Leaning back in his chair, he drank in silence, deliberately avoiding Butler’s gaze. This continued until his glass was empty. Then he set it down on the table and smiled again—but this time, it looked forced, as though he had to push it out of himself. “You know, I even envy you,” he said. “What?” Butler stared at him, wide-eyed. He immediately assumed it was some new kind of mockery—because what was there to envy? After everything, staying alive and sane was the only luck he’d had. “Sounds strange, huh?” Gabriel smirked at his reaction. “But you really have no idea how lucky you are…” He trailed off, then added more quietly, without looking at him, “...to have people you love. And who love you.” “Ah…” Butler opened his mouth to reply, but only a faint sound escaped. He lowered his head, at a loss. Looking at Gabriel—at his vacant gaze and the strained smile—he wanted to say something comforting. But no words came. The silence stretched, until Gabriel broke it with a short, forced laugh. “Never mind. Don’t think about it.” Gabriel reached for the bottle again just as Butler hesitantly spoke up. “Maybe you should stop? Look how much you’ve had.” Gabriel stared at him blankly for a few moments, then smirked. “What does it matter? I’m not forcing you to drink.” Butler watched with quiet melancholy as the wine poured, filling the glass nearly to the brim again. “It’s not about that...” he mumbled. Gabriel tilted his head, smiling faintly. “What, are you worried about me?” he asked. “Don’t be. Nothing’s going to happen to me. In fact, it’s better for you this way.” Those last words hit Butler harder than he expected. Better? For me? You say that after all the times I’ve willingly stayed with you? He bit his lip. Hadn’t he been stalling tonight’s meeting as long as he could? Of course Gabriel had noticed. So he was right about that, wasn’t he? Butler shook his head, as if responding to his own thoughts, and stood up, slowly approaching Gabriel. The other man looked up at him, mildly confused. “What is it?” he asked with a smile, though it quickly faded when Butler deftly took the glass from his hand and set it down at the far end of the table. “Well, look what you’ve done,” Gabriel sighed in disappointment, his eyes following the glass. He made a move to reach for it, but Butler caught his hand and gently pushed it back. “You—” A frown formed on Gabriel’s face, and he looked ready to fire off a sharp remark at Butler’s boldness—but the words died in his throat the moment Butler climbed onto his lap. Gabriel’s expression shifted in an instant. He swallowed hard, his lips trembling with uncertainty as his gaze flicked between Butler’s mouth and eyes. Smirking in satisfaction, Butler leaned in and brushed his lips against Gabriel’s parted mouth, his tongue tracing lightly along the edge. The response was immediate. Gabriel pulled him closer, deepening the kiss and wrapping his arms tightly around Butler’s waist. From that moment on, Butler lost control of the situation. He couldn’t remember a time when anyone’s kiss had made his head spin like this. A swirl of confusion drummed in his mind—why did it feel so different with this man? With a heavy heart, he had to admit there was nothing he could do about it. Responding with equal passion, Butler moaned softly and began to move his hips, his buttocks pressing rhythmically against the other man’s groin. Gabriel pulled back slightly, his hands tightening around Butler’s hips. “Please don’t do that,” he whispered into Butler’s ear, slowly tracing his tongue along its inner edge, sending a shiver down Butler’s spine. “Because I...” His voice trailed off, and Butler smiled. “You can’t help yourself, can you?” he murmured, wrapping his arms around Gabriel’s neck and brushing his lips against his ear. “Come on. That’s all I want.” Gabriel let out a breathless chuckle. “You have no idea what you’re asking for.” “I don’t care.” Butler leaned in closer, feeling Gabriel’s ragged breath on his skin. “Fuck me as hard as you want.” A long moan escaped him as Gabriel sank his teeth into his neck. Then, lifting him effortlessly by the hips, Gabriel rose from the chair and carried him toward the bed. Butler laughed, clinging to his shoulders. “No, put me down, mmm...” But the protest was quickly drowned in another kiss, and he didn’t try to resist again. Despite everything they’d said to each other, the sex was only slightly rougher than usual. Again and again, Butler urged him not to hold back, to keep going, but Gabriel remained cautious—clearly fighting to stay in control despite his intense arousal. Butler arched into his touch, feeling the weight of Gabriel’s gaze on him and melting under the soft, heated compliments whispered into his ear. As always in these moments, he couldn’t bring himself to respond with words. Instead, he simply pulled Gabriel closer and kissed him. Gabriel smiled, clearly understanding, and seemed perfectly content with that response. When they finally climaxed, Gabriel pressed against him, burying his face in Butler’s hair and staying there for a while. Then Butler heard a quiet chuckle near his ear. “Why are you laughing?” he asked with a smile, his hands gently trailing down Gabriel’s bare back, shivering a little when Gabriel kissed his ear. “I’m just... feeling really good,” Gabriel murmured with a soft laugh. Butler didn’t answer. He only held him tighter. “Thank you,” Gabriel whispered. He didn’t need to say more. Butler understood what he meant. Clearing his throat, Butler began hesitantly, “If you’re feeling bad…” He paused, then spoke faster, as though trying to get it all out. “Anyway, if you need anything, you can come to me. I’m always here. I’ll do whatever you want, help however I can. Just, please”—his arms tightened around Gabriel’s back—“don’t think you’re alone.” Gabriel pulled back, studying Butler’s face intently—so intently that Butler immediately looked away. Then, Gabriel laughed again—this time a little louder, but it sounded fractured, hesitant. Butler frowned, unsure what had caused this strange burst of amusement, and glanced back at him. “What’s—” His question was cut short by the press of Gabriel’s lips, and he closed his eyes, pulling him closer. Butler truly wanted to help—and was glad that he could—but all of this had a downside, one that boded ill for him. More and more, he found himself watching Gabriel longer than he should, drawn to his contented expression, to the rare smile that softened his face. He noticed the smallest details in his appearance and behavior, things he had never paid attention to before, and... he knew what it meant. He had fallen in love—recklessly, hopelessly—and with every passing day, with each moment of intimacy, that thorn drove deeper into his heart. Gradually, Butler began to realize just how abnormal the situation was becoming—and that it was largely because he himself had lost his mind. How else could he explain eagerly awaiting Gabriel every evening, or feeling genuinely upset when he didn’t come? Lately, the major had often been staying late at work, and Butler would try in vain to wait up for him, only to eventually fall asleep and wake in a terrible mood—angry at himself for it. Since when had he needed this man to feel okay? He spent three evenings in a row alone like that. On the fourth, Gabriel finally appeared in his room—noticeably later than usual. Until that moment, Butler had been sitting on the windowsill, half-turned toward the glass, his knees drawn up to his chest. At the sound of the front door clicking open, he turned lazily, without moving from his spot. “Well, well,” he chuckled. “Didn’t think I’d see you tonight.” Gabriel’s eyebrows twitched, and for some reason, a shadow of sadness passed over his face. The smirk instantly slid from Butler’s lips. “Should I go?” “No, you shouldn’t,” Butler muttered, hopping down from the windowsill. “Come in, now that you’re here.” They settled into their usual places at the small table. As always, Gabriel took out the glasses before sitting down across from Butler and filling them with wine. Meanwhile, Butler didn’t take his eyes off him, a vague, oppressive longing swelling in his chest. “Don’t you want to tell me something?” he asked abruptly. Gabriel looked up in confusion. “Of course I do,” he said with a smile, as if suddenly understanding. “I’ll tell you about the crazy day I had.” “I’m not talking about that,” Butler frowned. “Why haven’t you been here? You were gone for three days.” This time, Gabriel’s face registered genuine bewilderment. “Well, because those days were even worse than today,” he said hesitantly. “I worked until late at night. I thought you noticed.” “I noticed,” Butler muttered. “But I don’t understand how that stopped you from coming. Or were you afraid of waking me up? You know I don’t sleep early.” Under Gabriel’s long, steady gaze, Butler shifted uncomfortably and looked away. “Did you… miss me?” Butler gritted his teeth and replied grudgingly, “Yeah. I’m bored without you. There’s nothing to do here, and no one else to talk to.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the smile fade from Gabriel’s lips at those words. “I’m sorry,” Gabriel said quietly. “I didn’t realize you felt that bad without me.” They fell silent, both of them feeling the awkwardness settle between them. Then Gabriel spoke up first. “Honestly, I’ve been so tired lately that all I want to do at the end of the day is sleep. And I don't look my best either. You’re better off not seeing me like that.” “Don’t worry about your appearance.” Butler smiled, meeting Gabriel’s gaze directly. Then he added, “But I hope you still have some energy left for tonight.” “Tonight? Yes, that’s why I’m here. Besides—” Gabriel paused meaningfully, his gaze drifting down Butler’s body before returning to meet his eyes with a matching smile, “I’ve missed you a lot.” Breaking eye contact, Butler simply grunted and scratched his chin. He tried to hide his emotions but reluctantly admitted to himself that he was unreasonably pleased to hear that. They continued talking, and Butler listened closely to Gabriel’s account of his difficult workday, noting every detail—what he said, how he said it, and every nuance of his expression. Gabriel had always disliked his job, but now the increased workload, dragging on for days, was clearly taking a toll. The fatigue was etched onto his face; his handsome features looked dulled, and he seemed almost sickly, though he was still trying to push through. Butler figured he probably hadn’t had a proper rest in a long time, and pity crept uninvited into his heart. Unable to bear it any longer, he said gently, “I think you’re taking on too much. You can’t work this hard all the time. You need to relax sometimes.” “What else can I do?” Gabriel said resignedly, looking away. “No one else will do it.” “Why?” Butler was surprised. “I’m sure you could delegate some of your work to your subordinates—you have plenty of them. Surely one of them could handle it?” “Phil,” Gabriel looked at him with a clear don’t interfere, you don’t understand in his eyes. “If I do it this way, it’s because I think it’s necessary.” Butler snorted but had no retort; he really didn’t know the specifics of Gabriel’s work. Then an idea occurred to him, and he was quick to voice it. “Actually, I’ve got nothing to do. Maybe I could help you?” “No.” Gabriel shook his head, a faint, grateful smile playing on his lips. “It’s not your job.” Butler sighed and looked down, pondering what else he could offer to ease Gabriel’s burden. Gabriel seemed to sense it and said, “Don’t worry, I’m fine. I can handle it.” “Sure, I can see that,” Butler grumbled. “Look at yourself—you look like a walking corpse.” “Haha, I think I’m doing just fine.” Gabriel laughed but quickly stopped and exhaled—a reaction that betrayed just how exhausted he was. “Honestly, I’m even better this way. It doesn’t matter how tired I am. As long as I’m working, I don’t have time to think about...” He trailed off, then tried to finish the sentence casually. “In other words, I don’t have time to get distracted. I can focus on what’s important.” Butler frowned. That statement made him wonder what exactly Gabriel was trying to bury, that he was so eager to take on as much work as possible. Revenge? No, that’s all he thinks about, isn’t it? That’s probably what he wants to focus on. Or maybe he doesn’t want to think about me? Although he says he finds it easier with me around, so that’s unlikely. No, that’s not it. Then, in a moment, realization struck him. He looked at the man sitting across from him and remembered their previous meeting—how he’d seen the same detached smile on his face. He’s trying not to think about being all alone. A pang of sadness pierced Butler. He wanted to comfort him somehow, but he knew he couldn’t. I told him last time, but he probably didn’t believe me. He must think he still has power over me. But I already… “What’s with the face, Phil? What are you thinking about?” Gabriel looked at him with a smirk, while Butler, as usual, didn’t know how to express what was on his mind. However, Gabriel didn’t wait long for an answer. Pushing his empty glass aside, he placed his hands on the armrests of his chair and leaned forward slightly, ready to get up. “Alright, I’m going. I’m really tired today. Thanks for spending time with me.” “Wait,” Butler said. Gabriel obediently stayed where he was and looked at him expectantly. Butler smiled and stood up, slowly closing the distance between them. “Where are you going?” he asked invitingly, gazing into the other man’s attentive eyes. With two fingers, he unbuttoned the top button of his shirt. “Are you really going to leave me all alone right now? And how about…”—he leaned toward Gabriel and whispered into his ear, wrapping an arm around his neck—“...compensating me for missing you for three nights?” “Phil... what are you doing?” Gabriel asked. Although he didn’t move and his tone remained calm, his interest was evident in the breath he took when saying Butler’s name. Butler chuckled and pressed closer to him, stroking his knee with his free hand. “Do I really need to explain that?” “Listen,” Gabriel sighed, hesitantly placing his hands on Butler’s shoulders in an attempt to push him away. “Don’t do this. I told you...” “But I don’t want to let you go,” Butler purred, softly pressing his lips against Gabriel’s ear. “I’ve been wanting to see you. And you? Don’t you want me?” Gabriel remained silent. Emboldened, Butler moved closer, kneeling between his legs. “You said you missed me,” he continued in a soft, seductive voice, “but I don’t feel it. I think you might even be avoiding me.” “It’s... not like that,” Gabriel mumbled, rubbing his nose against Butler’s hair and wrapping an arm around his waist. “I just don’t want you to see me like this. I wouldn’t have come today, but... I missed you too much. I’ve been thinking about you whenever I have a free moment.” Butler’s heart pounded faster, and a satisfied smile spread across his face, unnoticed by Gabriel. “You don’t want me to see you like this because you’re such a perfectionist?” he asked. “Or is it because it’s me?” “The latter,” Gabriel exhaled. As if finally shedding some invisible weight, he pulled Butler into a hug. “For you, I always want to look perfect.” Butler chuckled and wrapped both arms around Gabriel’s neck. “If that’s all that’s bothering you, then you don’t need to worry. Like I said before, your appearance doesn’t matter to me.” “Really?” Gabriel’s tone was playful. “And you’d say the same thing even if I was completely unattractive?” Butler lowered his head until his nose almost touched the other man’s shoulder. He was barely able to stifle a laugh, because the whole situation seemed absurdly unreal—almost unbelievable—yet it was really happening between them. Why am I discussing this with him? “Yes, I would say the same thing. It’s not your appearance that makes me like you.” And only when the silence stretched on for a few seconds did Butler realize he’d said too much. “Then what makes you like me, Phil?” Gabriel gently tugged at his hair, forcing him to look into his eyes. Butler awkwardly looked away. “What kind of question is that?” he grumbled. “I don’t ask you what makes you like me. How can you explain that? You just feel that way.” “Not at all,” Gabriel disagreed, smiling as he studied Butler. “It can be explained. And by the way, I’ve never hidden what makes me like you. The way you look, the way you act…” His face suddenly grew thoughtful, his smile fading. “I’ve always liked that. But it’s different with you. You didn’t like me at first.” That’s right, Butler thought. I didn’t like him. I liked someone else. Why... did everything change so much? “Are you sure you really like me?” A note of sadness crept into Gabriel’s voice. Butler decided to delay no longer. He settled on Gabriel’s lap, pressed his whole body against him, and hugged him tightly. “I like you,” he whispered. “I have for a long time. You didn’t even notice at first.” “What?” Gabriel asked blankly. "What are you talking about?" “When you started treating me differently... No, even before that—when you tried to please me and didn’t hurt me... I didn’t want to admit it, but I realized then that I was drawn to you. And the better I got to know you, the more”—Butler sighed, overcoming his embarrassment to continue—“I wanted to be closer to you. I don’t know how to explain it. Honestly,” he chuckled nervously, leaning his head on Gabriel’s shoulder, “I’m confused. I always thought I was normal, but... haha, I’m definitely not normal now. Or maybe I never was.” “I’m sorry...” “Don’t be, Gab. I don’t regret it. In fact, I’m glad it happened. I’ve never felt like this before—it’s... incomparable.” Butler’s hands slid up to the back of Gabriel’s head, and he noticed Gabriel lean into his touch. “Do you like it?” he asked softly, smiling. “Mhm,” Gabriel murmured in agreement, closing his eyes. Butler chuckled inwardly. Although they were so close now, it was still strange for him to see Gabriel like this. In moments like these, he seemed sweet, like a child—so open, trusting in the touch of another, expecting nothing bad. Unable to resist, Butler pressed his lips to his cheek, and the lashes of Gabriel’s closed eyes fluttered slightly. “Me too,” he whispered passionately as he continued to cover the tired, yet still beautiful, face with soft kisses. “I like everything you do to me. I want this—mm… I want you…” At the same time, he rubbed his body insistently against the other man’s groin, feeling with satisfaction Gabriel’s immediate reaction and his heavy breathing near his ear. However, Gabriel soon stopped him, holding him by the hips. “Phil.” “What?” Butler pulled back slightly, looking into his eyes. “Why are you resisting? You...” He trailed off, then his lips curved into a smile. Reaching out, he gently touched Gabriel’s cheek, stroking his chin with his thumb. “I like the way you look at me,” he said softly, not taking his eyes off the ones focused on him—deep, dark, longing, in whose depths Butler was hopelessly drowning. “I’ve never been looked at like that.” “How?” Gabriel covered his hand with his own, bringing it closer to his lips. Butler obediently touched their soft skin. “So that…” He leaned in, bringing his lips close to Gabriel’s slightly parted mouth, his own fingers the only barrier between them. “...I want to give myself to you.” The last thing he noticed was a charming smile under his touch. Then Gabriel abruptly pulled his hand away and leaned forward, finally allowing their lips to meet. For several minutes, they couldn’t tear themselves apart. Butler savored every second of the kiss, arching into Gabriel’s embrace, allowing him to touch him everywhere, and reaching out to touch Gabriel in return. Extraneous thoughts no longer filled his head—it was empty, and he liked it that way. Everything that was happening felt so right, so fitting, as if it were meant to be. He was destined to meet this man at this exact time, in this exact place, and fall madly in love with him. Finally, their lips reluctantly parted, and Butler followed the string of saliva between them with fascinated eyes. He quickly licked it away, running his tongue along Gabriel’s lower lip, then gently kissed the corner of his mouth. Gabriel shuddered visibly. “Phil…” he exhaled softly. Butler smiled contentedly, hearing the clear surrender in Gabriel’s voice. He’s given in. Now he won’t stop. Wrapping his arms around Gabriel’s shoulders, he pressed as close as possible and tilted his head back, as if suggesting what should happen next. Gabriel, as expected, understood, and leaned down to his neck, beginning to kiss and gently bite the exposed skin. “Mmm, that feels so good, Gab, so good...” Butler murmured, not shy at all, as he wriggled on the other man’s lap, burying his fingers in the light hair and gently tugging at the strands. A slightly harder bite on his neck elicited a soft moan. “Please,” he continued, speaking as seductively as he could while the hands caressing his body stripped off his shirt, “do whatever you want, however you want—I’ll take anything. Show me everything you can, Gab. Show me how much you missed me. Aaah...” The kisses had traveled down to his chest, and when Gabriel enveloped his nipple with his lips, circling it with his tongue and gently tugging on the skin, Butler groaned involuntarily—the sound so vulgar it embarrassed him. Gabriel traced a path of kisses up to his ear, then licked his earlobe, making Butler shudder in his arms. “I’ve always wondered,” Gabriel said with a smile in his voice, “is it really that good that you can’t help yourself? Always so loud.” “I could, of course,” Butler chuckled, pressing closer. “But do we really need to? No one can hear us here, and…” He trailed off, his fingers still tracing the hairline at the back of Gabriel’s head, “...you like listening to me.” Gabriel sighed, silently acknowledging the truth of Butler’s statement. “So you’re doing this for me?” “Yes,” Butler replied, resting his chin on the other man’s shoulder and turning to whisper in his ear. “I know how it feels to be in your position. And I know what men want to hear in moments like these.” As he spoke, he felt Gabriel’s hands squeeze his thighs tightly, and he involuntarily let out a pained cry. “Hey, be gentle—don’t squeeze so hard.” Despite his request, Gabriel’s grip on his legs only tightened. Pulling away, Butler glared at him, meeting Gabriel’s stern gaze. “What are you doing? And what’s with that look?” He pressed two fingers to the bridge of Gabriel’s nose, then ran them sideways in an attempt to smooth out his furrowed brows. But it lasted only a second—Gabriel immediately pulled his hand away. “Don’t ever,” he said seriously, looking right into Butler’s eyes, “mention your exes in front of me again. In any form.” Butler blinked a few times in disbelief before bursting into laughter. He couldn’t calm down, while Gabriel, watching him, stopped frowning and shook his head—clearly puzzled by Butler’s wild reaction. “Haha, Gab…” Finally, Butler managed to stifle his laughter, though a joyful smile remained on his face as he leaned in close to Gabriel. “My possessive one,” he whispered against his lips. They kissed for what felt like forever. Butler’s shirt was eventually stripped off and hung over the back of a chair, his pants unzipped and slightly lowered. He reached for Gabriel’s groin, covering it with his hand and gently squeezing, clearly feeling the hardness through the fabric. With a soft moan into his mouth, Gabriel broke off the kiss. “No, Phil.” Butler felt the weightless touch of Gabriel’s lips against his cheek and the thin fingers wrapping around his wrist, moving his hand aside. “Having trouble holding on?” he asked softly, wrapping his arms around Gabriel. “No need to wait any longer, I’m ready. Let’s go to bed.” He was about to get up and take Gabriel with him, but the other man held him tightly, not letting him move. Butler obediently pressed against him. “Do you want to do this here?” he asked, confused. “Then we’ll have to at least get to the nightstand.” “Phil,” Gabriel sighed helplessly. “Stop acting like that.” “Huh? What are you talking about?” Butler asked, surprised. “What am I doing wrong?” “You’re doing everything right,” the other man replied, “and that’s exactly what’s worrying me.” Butler was momentarily speechless. After a pause, he smiled hesitantly. “Why?” “Because I can’t resist you,” Gabriel said, burying his nose in Butler’s hair. “And you know it perfectly well.” The corners of Butler’s mouth turned up into a wider smile. “So what? What’s the problem if we enjoy each other’s company?” There was no answer, so Butler shook Gabriel’s shoulder insistently. “Hey, tell me what’s wrong. I can’t understand what’s going on in your head.” “If you really can’t,” the other man mumbled cryptically, “maybe I shouldn’t explain it to you.” Breaking free from the embrace, Butler turned away and put on an offended expression. Soon, Gabriel’s fingertips lightly touched his cheek. “Don’t be mad, come on.” Butler didn’t move, continuing to feign displeasure, and Gabriel sighed. “Alright, I’ll tell you. I... feel uncomfortable about what’s happening between us.” “Wh-what?” Butler turned to Gabriel in utter astonishment, while Gabriel looked away. “I hate it when things get out of control. I’m used to living a certain way, you see... I always knew what I was doing and why. I could easily give up anything I considered unnecessary... and vice versa.” “I already know that about you.” Butler smiled softly. “But what does that have to do with me, and with what’s between us?” Gabriel looked at him, scanning him from head to toe. And then Butler remembered his own nakedness—what they had been doing just moments ago—and it suddenly seemed strange that they had stopped in the middle of it all to have this conversation. He was about to comment on it and encourage Gabriel to continue what they’d started, but the words got stuck in his throat as their eyes met. It was hard to define the emotions swirling in those tired eyes, but the way they were looking at him made Butler’s heart race. “Everything. I’m talking about you, Phil. I can’t control how I feel about you.” Gabriel hugged Butler again, while Butler relaxed in his arms, smiling and closing his eyes. “It’s okay, Gab,” he said quietly. “No one can control that—and there’s no need to. Don’t worry about it. Just let yourself feel it.” “You,” Gabriel sighed, “don’t understand.” He seemed about to say something else but changed his mind and simply let out another sigh. Butler was silent too, pondering his own words. Hadn’t he just recently been worrying about his own uncontrollable feelings? And now he was so casually saying that there was no need to control them. Perhaps Gabriel was right—maybe they should stop before things went too far. However, Butler struggled to define what too far even meant in this situation. Maybe they had already crossed that line? “You’re exactly what I don’t need,” Gabriel mumbled in despair. “I don’t need you at all—it’s only getting in the way—but I can’t give you up. I think about you all the time. I want to see you every day. And when I can’t meet you... I feel terrible. Really terrible. I’m becoming dependent on you, and no matter how hard I try to fight it, it’s stronger than me.” “I’m sorry,” Butler said timidly. “But what exactly is bothering you? Why fight it, and... how am I getting in the way?” A guess came to him, and he smiled grimly. “Is it because of who I am?” “What?” Gabriel didn’t understand at first, but realizing a second later, he stammered in agitation, “Oh no, no—of course not. I forgave you a long time ago. And besides, I told you... I’m much worse. I’m not the one to judge you.” “You didn’t think so before,” Butler smiled, pressing closer. “I’m glad you think differently now. But... if that’s not the problem, then what is?” “Don’t you understand? I’m losing control of the situation—and things can only get worse from here. Even now, I... I often think about what I could do for you.” “Really?” Butler asked, surprised, a strange feeling slowly filling his chest. “Like what?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what I can do, but... I really want to make you happy. You’ve been so sad lately—I don’t even remember your old smile, when everything was good. I...” Gabriel paused, sighing again, “I realize it’s my fault, and I want to, at least to some extent... make amends, if that’s possible. So if you need anything, just ask me. I’ll bring you anything I can.” As Butler listened to this speech, a lump formed in his throat, and he quickly swallowed it down before his emotions could spill out. “Thank you, Gab,” he whispered, burying his face in Gabriel’s shoulder. “Don’t thank me. It’s the least I can do—and it’s not enough.” Butler hugged him tightly. The same feeling in his chest gradually spread throughout his body, warming him and bringing hot tears to the corners of his eyes. “You know, actually... I don’t need anything from you. Really, don’t worry about it. Just... don’t forget about me, and come every night—even if it’s just for a little while. That’s enough.” “Don’t say that,” Gabriel murmured, pressing his cheek against his hair. “How could I ever forget about you?” “Especially since you miss me too, you should definitely come over. It doesn’t matter how you look, it doesn’t matter how tired you are. I’m... always here to help you.” Tears finally rolled down Butler’s cheeks, but he still didn’t lift his face from the other man’s shoulder, not wanting Gabriel to notice. Gabriel slowly and gently ran his hands down his back. “When you talk like that, you make me want you even more. It’s dangerous—very dangerous...” “What are you afraid of, Gab?” Butler asked quietly, finally getting a direct answer to his question. “I’m afraid that one day I’ll lose control completely—and then you’ll start controlling me. Sometimes it seems to me that you’re doing everything for that very purpose. If that’s the case, and if I can’t find the strength to resist you... at some point, you could finish me off if you wanted to.” “Hahahahaha… what?” Butler laughed at the absurdity of the assumption, but then he stopped and fell silent. If you thought about it, the situation could indeed be viewed in that light—but for some reason, it hadn’t occurred to him before. He had long noticed that he could influence Gabriel and soften his character, at least toward him. But even back when he had hated Gabriel and secretly hoped to destroy him, he had never considered pretending to be in love to gain his trust. But Gabriel had long been wary. Butler suddenly remembered Gabriel’s disbelieving, angry eyes and mocking smile on one of those evenings. “What are you trying to achieve?” he had asked then, and Butler had genuinely not understood what he could possibly do to him. Now he understood it better—and yet, he was a little hurt that Gabriel still thought of him that way. Because... Butler hadn’t needed to pretend for a long time. “Do you…” He discreetly wiped away his tears and pulled away from Gabriel, looking into his eyes, “...really think I could do that to you?” Gabriel studied his face, and Butler chuckled. “Actually, you don’t have to answer. I can see that you do.” Gabriel looked away. “What would you think if you were in my position?” he mumbled. “I don’t know,” Butler replied. “Probably... the same.” They both fell silent. Gabriel continued to look away, while Butler watched him, unsure how to explain what he was feeling in a way that would leave no room for doubt. Perhaps it would be easier to let Gabriel think whatever he wanted—but Butler wasn’t satisfied with that. “I don’t understand,” Gabriel’s voice dropped almost to a whisper, “how you could like me after everything I’ve done to you... and to others. You couldn’t just forget about it. You should hate me.” “But then you should hate me too.” Butler smiled weakly. “For all my sins, remember?” Gabriel shook his head, the corner of his mouth twitching upward for a brief moment. “You haven’t done anything bad to me personally. But I…” He sighed, and Butler spent a moment digesting his response. I haven’t done anything bad to you, and that’s enough? Then what about Primavera and Golden Dragon? Doesn’t the same thing apply to them? He almost voiced the questions ringing in his head but stopped himself in time. He probably feels that way only about me. But it’s already progress. Maybe someday… Butler had to stop himself again, to avoid getting lost in wishful thinking. “It probably seems too strange, so it’s hard to believe,” he said, looking down. “Considering everything you’ve done to me before, and the fact that I didn’t like you at first... and that I didn’t like men in the past, in general.” He felt Gabriel’s gaze on him, and suddenly it became difficult to continue—his words caught in his throat. Somehow, he managed to push through, though his voice trembled. “I don’t know what else to say. Except that—” he dared to look into Gabriel’s eyes, which were focused on him with genuine curiosity—“I really like you now.” Gabriel smiled, but not in the way he usually did. His smile in that moment was incredibly soft—so rare for him, and Butler’s favorite. Seeing it, Butler immediately felt much more confident. “I don’t know, maybe I’ve gone crazy,” he said, his gaze dropping again. “But I can’t help how I feel. And that’s why... I could never hurt you. Although,” Butler chuckled wryly, “you still have no reason to believe me.” He couldn’t find any more words and fell silent, waiting for Gabriel’s response. But Gabriel said nothing for a long time, and the silence made Butler increasingly nervous. And then… Gabriel leaned forward abruptly, his face so close that the tip of his nose touched Butler’s cheek. “I’m probably a fool,” he said softly, smiling, “but I believe you.” The tension that had been a tight knot in his chest finally released, his pulse racing at an impossible rate. Inexplicably, Butler was so happy that the emotions overwhelming him demanded immediate release. He turned his head toward the other’s smiling lips and pressed his own against them insistently, receiving in return a maddeningly passionate kiss, full of long-suppressed desire. Gabriel’s hands slid freely over his body again, caressing sensitive spots, and Butler shamelessly wriggled on his lap, begging for more between kisses. This time, he got his wish quickly—after his first request, Gabriel picked him up and carried him to bed. It made no sense. It was against all reason. And it was definitely something he shouldn’t be allowing—but it was an incredible madness that drew Butler deeper and deeper into an abyss, with no chance of escape. He understood this clearly—he was thinking about it even now, throughout the entire process—but he still couldn’t stop himself from reaching for Gabriel again and again, pressing him so close that there was no space between their bodies, and moving with him in the same rhythm. Gabriel, as always, whispered soft, soothing words in his ear, full of undisguised admiration. Butler’s cheeks burned—he still couldn’t get used to those compliments and was too embarrassed—but the smile never left his lips. In those moments, Gabriel was as open as he ever got; it was as if he were saying everything he couldn’t say in normal conversation, and it seemed like he was deeply in love. That thought warmed Butler’s heart, and he really hoped he wasn’t mistaken. If his feelings were mutual, maybe it would make him a little happier. Afterward, they lay in bed together in complete silence, broken only by the soft rustling of the sheets and the sound of kisses. Pressed against Gabriel’s body, Butler looked up, though his gaze wasn’t focused on anything in particular. He was gradually coming to his senses, and everything that had happened just a few minutes ago began to seem wrong again. Gabriel still held him in his arms, his lips gently brushing Butler’s forehead and cheeks. With each touch, Butler closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation—and at the same time, cursing himself. He slowly ran his hand over Gabriel’s snow-white skin, pausing over his left side and feeling his still-racing heart. “You need to take better care of yourself,” Butler mumbled. After a moment, he added, tapping his fingers lightly on the same spot on Gabriel’s chest, “If you keep torturing yourself like this, one day your heart won’t be able to take it.” “Are you trying to say I was bad just now?” Gabriel asked, laughing. Butler only smiled faintly and tilted his head, pressing his lips to the left side of the other man’s chest, right where he could hear his heartbeat. “I just want you to take care of yourself.” Gabriel sighed softly, not replying. “Just come every time, okay?” Butler continued timidly. “Don’t think no one is waiting for you. You know now... it’s not like that.” “Mmm,” Gabriel murmured in agreement. “Thanks, Phil.” Butler hugged him, rubbing his cheek against Gabriel’s chest. Soon, he was watching Gabriel get dressed, preparing to leave. For some reason, a dull pain returned to his chest. He wanted to hold the man back, to ask him to stay a little longer—but at the same time, he knew how wrong it was to want that. “Gab,” he called hesitantly. Gabriel turned and looked at him with tired, gentle eyes. Butler smiled. “I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow.” Gabriel smiled back—so sincerely, so charmingly—that Butler couldn’t look away. He eagerly leaned forward when Gabriel leaned in to kiss him. “I’ll be there,” Gabriel promised as he pulled away. “Goodnight.” He left the room, and Butler watched him go. “Gab… Ga-bri-el,” he murmured absently, drawing out the name. Then he sighed sadly, turning onto his side to face the door and pulling his knees up to his chest. “What’s happening to me? What have you done to me?” The next evening, he waited up again—so long he nearly fell asleep—but finally, the familiar figure appeared in the doorway. Gabriel looked exhausted; he could barely stand. But he had come, just as he’d promised. Butler was overjoyed to see him. That night, there was nothing between them except a short conversation and a few hugs and kisses—Gabriel simply didn’t have the energy for more. And although Butler regretted it, he no longer tried to persuade him to work less. He told himself that if work distracted Gabriel from his problems better than he could, then maybe it wasn’t so bad that he was overworking. Except... it was painful to see him like this. For the next few nights, it was the same. And then Butler stopped seeing Gabriel altogether. Near the end of another ‘workday,’ while Butler’s guard was out—having left with a colleague who’d dropped by—the phone in his office rang. This was highly unusual, and with a slight flutter of agitation, Butler picked up the receiver. “Hello?” “Hi, Phil.” As expected, it was Gabriel—but he hadn’t called Butler in a very long time. There had simply been no need; he always came over. So Butler immediately suspected what this call meant. “Gab, it’s good to hear your voice. But... will I see you today?” “Unfortunately, no,” Gabriel said, and his voice sounded genuinely downcast. “I’m calling to let you know I won’t be coming over today, and you shouldn’t wait for me.” Butler had expected this answer, but a disappointed sigh escaped him anyway. “Well, okay. But you’ll come by tomorrow, right?” “Hmm, sorry, but... I probably won’t be able to come to you all next week. I have a lot of work.” That was unexpected. Butler tried to argue. “Surely you can find at least a few minutes for me in the evening?” “Believe me, it wouldn’t make sense. I probably won’t even be able to talk to you.” Remembering how exhausted Gabriel had looked during their last few meetings, Butler sighed. “Do you realize you can’t work this much?” he couldn’t help but say. “You’ll work yourself into an early grave.” The usual joking phrase sounded somehow ominous, and Butler bit his lip. However, Gabriel just laughed. “Everything will be fine with me, don’t worry. Especially since it’ll all be over soon.” “When is ‘soon’?” Butler asked glumly. “I can’t say for sure.” “But definitely not next week?” “Yeah. I’m really sorry. On the other hand, you’ll get a little break from me.” “What are you saying?” Butler protested, leaning back slightly in his chair. “You know perfectly well that I... want to see you.” It felt a bit awkward to admit that in this office, where someone from the staff could be nearby at any moment. There was a brief silence on the phone. “I want to see you too,” Gabriel replied, his voice noticeably warmer. “But we’ll have to wait a little.” “I’ll be the one who’s worse off, you know,” Butler complained. “At least you won’t be bored. But what am I supposed to do in the evenings without you?” “Hmm... how about this: I’ll give you some more books. I know you probably don’t really like reading, but maybe it’ll brighten up your time a bit.” Butler chuckled. “Sure, anything’s better than nothing.” In reality, he had been reading the books Gabriel had given him lately, but the genre wasn’t really to his taste. He sighed quietly. “Listen, Gab.” “Yeah?” “Come over as soon as you can. I’ll be waiting.” Even from far away, Butler was sure that Gabriel smiled as he softly replied: “Of course, Phil.” Later that evening, sitting on the bed in his room, Butler flipped through the books the major’s subordinate had recently brought him. They were all novels and short stories by great European writers of past centuries—undoubtedly masterpieces—but he would have preferred something more contemporary. Putting the books aside, he leaned back on the pillows. “You like everything classic, don’t you?” he muttered with a smile, speaking to no one in particular. “Gab…” If I think about it, what do I really know about him? Besides the fact that he loves classical music and literature, and strives for perfection in everything he does. Damn it, he even fucks fantastically. At this thought, he felt a slight pang of envy—but mostly satisfaction. Although, as I understand it, he doesn’t have a lot of experience. He remembered Gabriel once telling him about his exes, and suddenly felt a nasty pang in his chest. He thought that, most likely, he meant no more to him than the others—just another person who helped him distract himself and satisfy his physical needs. At least that’s what he said, wasn’t it? Before, Butler had been fine with that role, but now he wanted more. I want to be special to him. I want him to see me as different from his other lovers—at least in the way he saw that girl who was his first love. I just want him to... treat me differently. He was lonely. Yes, he already missed the man terribly, even though it was only the first night of many such lonely nights to come. Besides, Gabriel had only been dropping by for a few minutes over the last few days, and Butler felt a bit abandoned. He had gotten so used to their meetings—to everything that happened between them during that time—that it was hard to go without it now. When he comes next time, I should ask him what he likes. Any hobbies, interests... there must be something. Or there must have been, once. It would be nice if he could remember something. Maybe that way I could at least bring a little interest back into his life. Butler sighed. Maybe he was being too optimistic, but he wanted to try. But when would Gabriel come? Judging by what he had said, they wouldn’t be able to see each other for at least a week—maybe even longer. Who knew what his workload was like? And today was July 7th, with only a little over a week left until Butler’s birthday. I wonder if he even remembers it? With how busy he is, he might have forgotten. And I... I’d like to get something from him. Oh, come on, what am I saying about gifts? I just want him to be here. I don’t want to spend this day alone.