No Feelings

The next morning, seated at Gabriel’s desk in his office, Butler hesitantly picked up the phone and slowly dialed a number still saved in the memory. After several agonizingly long rings, a weary female voice answered. “Hello?” Butler coughed, regaining his momentarily lost ability to speak. “Hello, Mom.” A split-second silence was followed by a flurry of questions from the other end of the line. How are you? Why haven’t you called or answered our calls in so long? Is something wrong? If so, just say so—we’re all worried sick! Butler struggled to keep up, trying to make his voice sound as cheerful and natural as possible. But with each new question, it became increasingly difficult to make things up on the fly. Listening to his mother’s worried voice—on the verge of breaking into sobs at any moment—he tried to reassure her as best he could, barely managing not to choke on his own lies. For the most part, he simply repeated what Gabriel had told her and dismissed her concerns about his new boss’s intentions. He glanced at Gabriel, who stood motionless by the window, his face hidden from view. “Please, whatever happens—no matter how busy you are—just call us sometimes. We just want to know you're still alive and well,” his mother said, her voice breaking at the end. Butler swallowed hard. “Okay, Mom. I’ll definitely call again.” He said his goodbyes and hung up the phone, feeling a mix of emotions. On one hand, he felt better after hearing her voice; on the other, he felt terrible for having to lie in response to her genuine concern. Glancing at Gabriel again, Butler asked flatly, “So, is that good enough?” Gabriel turned to him with a wide smile. “Yeah, perfect. I almost believed what you were saying myself.” Butler grunted noncommittally and lowered his gaze. Gabriel walked over to the desk and sat down. “But what was that about calling her again?” “Well, isn’t that logical?” Butler shrugged indifferently. “If I remembered after all this time that I have relatives, I should probably keep remembering it. Besides,” he added more quietly, “my mom asked me to. It would be weird if I forgot her request.” Gabriel said nothing and looked away, making Butler uneasy. “You will let me, won’t you?” he asked. Gabriel smirked. “I will,” he said, meeting Butler’s eyes. Then, almost as a joke, he added, “Although it seems to me you’re starting to wrap me around your little finger.” “You weren’t exactly shy about offering yesterday,” Butler retorted. “When you said you’d grant my wish. And this is just a natural continuation of that.” “Yesterday, too...” “What?” Gabriel shook his head sharply. “Nothing. Forget it,” he said, then quickly added—cutting Butler off before he could reply, “Next time you call, do it from here, with me. And then you can call... as needed.” Butler smiled softly. “Thanks.” And then he met a pair of astonished eyes. “You,” Gabriel said, turning away and twisting his lips into an uncertain smile, “are thanking me for briefly returning something I took away myself?” “No, not for that. But for the fact that you…” Butler stared at the far corner of the room, “...for the first time, wanted to do something for me.” He felt Gabriel’s intense gaze on him but didn’t look up. “When you suggested this yesterday, I... I didn’t expect that from you at all. It’s so…” He hesitated again, struggling to find the right words. “And even though you can’t trust me, you still agreed to my request... Anyway, don’t think I didn’t appreciate it.” Having said that, Butler looked into the eyes opposite him—and for the first time, he saw no trace of distrust. Gabriel’s eyes were clear and calm, matching the barely noticeable but undeniably sincere smile on his lips. Butler returned the smile. Then he leaned in, and Gabriel immediately did the same. As soon as their lips touched, Butler pulled him closer by the neck, feeling Gabriel’s fingers gently tangle in his hair. The slow, cautious kiss quickly deepened into a passionate one, filled with open desire that stole his breath and sent a pleasant weakness through his body. Shuddering slightly at the caress on the back of his head, Butler couldn’t suppress a soft, muffled moan—and at that very moment, Gabriel pulled away. The touch of his hand vanished. “Go away.” He gently pushed Butler’s hand aside and added, glancing away with a hesitant smile, “You’re distracting me.” Butler laughed and got up without argument. “Alright. See you this evening, as usual?” “Yeah,” Gabriel replied quietly, avoiding Butler’s gaze. His embarrassment was unmistakable—and Butler couldn’t help but be amazed to see this uncharacteristic emotion from him for the second day in a row. Butler couldn’t calm down for the rest of the day. Memories of the previous day and night intermingled with others—much less pleasant ones—of countless days spent in confinement, of everything that had happened outside these walls. The smile would vanish from his face in an instant, his lips trembling, and not knowing what might slip out next, Butler would desperately clamp a hand over his mouth. Even as he realized he was hopelessly stuck, he still refused to admit it, pushing such thoughts away and choosing instead to retreat into a doubtful but temporarily comforting escape from reality. As darkness enveloped the room, Butler was already lying in bed, his gaze fixed on the wall clock opposite. Gabriel always arrived around the same time, and as far as Butler knew, there was no reason tonight would be any different. When the clock hands reached their usual marks, the door creaked open slightly. A smile spread across Butler’s lips. He turned toward Gabriel, who strode confidently into the room and placed another bottle of wine on the table. “Isn’t it a bit early for bed?” he asked with a smile, glancing at Butler before turning to the sideboard where the glasses were kept. As he arranged them on the table and opened the bottle, he added, without looking back, “Come over here.” He froze as Butler wrapped his arms around him from behind, breathing against the back of his neck. “Maybe you should,” Butler murmured, pressing his lips briefly to the base of Gabriel’s neck and whispering into his ear, “move over here instead.” Gabriel’s hand, still gripping a glass, trembled. Butler gently touched his tense fingers with his own. “Let go,” he said softly, smiling as he coaxed Gabriel to release his grip. “We can get back to that later.” As soon as Gabriel turned around, Butler leaned in, and Gabriel’s arms closed around him from behind. Their slow kiss lasted a long time, and Butler’s steady breathing gradually turned to gasps as his body began to tremble. Finally, he moaned and pressed closer, prompting Gabriel to break the kiss—only to press his lips to Butler’s ear. “Are you really that sensitive?” he whispered, lightly nibbling on Butler’s earlobe before trailing kisses along his neck. Butler tilted his head back slightly, his hands tracing down Gabriel’s spine. “You’re...” he exhaled slowly, eyes closed in pleasure, “...very good at this.” Gabriel kissed him again, and just before their lips met, Butler caught a glimpse of a satisfied smirk on his face. Once in bed, they spent a long—yet somehow too short—time entwined, pulling each other close and then pulling away, lost in whispers and moans that grew increasingly indistinguishable, forgetting the world around them. Afterward, they simply lay side by side, thinking of nothing—or at least, that was true for Butler, who sprawled relaxedly on the bed with his eyes closed. Gabriel, on the other hand, had been watching him the entire time, a smile appearing and disappearing on his lips. “You said we’d drink later,” he finally chuckled, glancing sideways at the discarded open bottle and empty glasses. “But now I don’t feel like it.” Butler smiled without opening his eyes. “Well, that’s exactly what I was counting on.” “What do you mean?” Under Gabriel’s intense, questioning gaze—palpable even with his eyes closed—Butler turned away, suddenly feeling a bit awkward. “It won’t hurt you,” he said in a trembling voice, “to go one evening without your favorite wine.” The silence stretched on for so long that he finally turned his head to look at Gabriel. Surprise was written clearly across the other man’s face, but then his expression softened. “Do you really care?” “What if I do?” Now Butler met Gabriel’s gaze directly, searching for any further shift in his eyes—but he wasn’t given the chance. Gabriel’s lips met his again, and melting under the incredible tenderness of the kiss, Butler thought this must be how Gabriel expressed gratitude—when he didn’t know how to say it. And everything would have been fine, but... really, why do I care? The following evenings were similar. Before Gabriel could even pull the cork from the bottle, Butler would drag him to bed—never meeting even the slightest resistance. Eventually, they both forgot about the alcohol—and, along with it, all the conversations they used to have. For some reason, Gabriel no longer wanted to complain about his daily routine or brag about how his plan for revenge was progressing. He simply lay beside him in silence, and Butler didn’t even need to look to know that Gabriel couldn’t take his eyes off him. “Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked one day, glancing at Gabriel from beneath half-closed eyelids. Gabriel smiled. “I can’t figure out what’s so special about you.” “Are you trying to say I’m better than everyone else you’ve been with?” Butler chuckled, closing his eyes again. He flinched at the soft touch of lips on his shoulder. “More like,” Gabriel whispered into his neck, finishing quietly, “I haven’t felt this good in a long time.” The smile faded from Butler’s face. He turned away, biting his lip, his hands clenching into fists so tightly that his nails dug painfully into his palms. A clear thought struck him: things were going too far. As if reading his mind, Gabriel sat up in bed and reached for his clothes. Of course, he never stayed the night—but this time, he seemed eager to leave even sooner than usual. Butler didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. Gabriel didn’t show up for a long time the next evening. The clock had long since passed his usual time, yet Butler remained alone in the room. Finally, deciding there was nothing left to wait for—and feeling sleep creeping over him—Butler headed for the bed, intending to go to sleep. But he hadn’t even undone a couple of buttons on his shirt when he heard the door creak behind him. Naturally, Gabriel was standing in the doorway—but his appearance was so different from usual that Butler couldn’t utter a word; he just gaped in astonishment. “Want a drink?” Gabriel asked, leaning against the doorframe with a strangely cheerful smile. He held out a bottle of wine in one hand. Finally snapping out of his shock, Butler snorted. “I think you’ve managed just fine without me,” he replied. “What are you talking about?” Gabriel stumbled into the room. “If you’re suggesting I’m drunk, you’re wrong. I’ve only had a little bit.” “As if I don’t know,” Butler replied, watching as Gabriel slumped heavily into the armchair, setting the wine bottle down on the table with a loud thud, “that you can practically drink a whole bottle like that and it barely shows on you. And now you can barely stand.” “Oh, let’s not talk about it, Phil,” Gabriel said, leaning back in his chair and giving Butler a tired look from under half-closed eyelids. “Just bring the glasses over here.” Butler sighed and walked over to the sideboard, restraining himself from commenting on how Gabriel always did this himself and now couldn’t even get up. Then he poured the wine into the glasses from the already opened bottle—which was also half empty. At the sight of this, Butler rolled his eyes slightly but said nothing. After another glass of wine, Gabriel seemed a bit more cheerful. As always happened in such cases, he began to complain about the day—but with noticeably less enthusiasm than he used to. His tongue was slurring, and he often mumbled his words so indistinctly that Butler couldn’t make them out—but of course, he didn’t bother to ask. Nodding occasionally with a feigned look of interest, he patiently waited for it to finally end so he could gently escort Gabriel out of the room. “And amidst all this boredom,” Gabriel concluded his stream of complaints, lifting the corners of his lips slightly, “you, Phil, are my only solace.” Butler smiled before he realized it, but quickly returned to his usual expression. Gabriel leaned back in his chair again, eyes closed. After a few seconds of silence, Butler decided to break it. “Gab, maybe you should go now?” “Mmm.” Gabriel mumbled something unintelligible, then said with effort, “I’ll stay here a little longer, okay?” “As long as you like,” Butler shrugged, “just don’t regret falling asleep like this.” Gabriel didn’t respond. Butler sighed heavily and stood up. Walking over, he slung Gabriel’s left arm over his shoulder and pulled him up out of the chair. “W-wait, what are you doing…” Gabriel tried to protest, but his slurred mumbling was far too unconvincing. Still, his clumsy attempts to break free made it difficult to move, so Butler said sharply, “Please, don’t argue and don’t struggle.” Gabriel fell silent right away, meekly following Butler toward the bed. So compliant, Butler chuckled to himself. I wish he was always this way. Having seated the nearly unconscious body on the bed—and barely managing to keep him from immediately falling—Butler began to remove his clothes. At this, Gabriel weakly protested again. “No, don’t... why do you need to do that?” “Well, do you usually sleep in your clothes?” Butler grinned. Apparently, Gabriel had no comeback to that, and said nothing more as he was undressed. Once Butler had removed his shirt, he gently pressed on Gabriel’s shoulder, turning him onto his side. As he pulled down Gabriel’s pants, he heard a quiet voice—almost a whisper. “Phil, why are you… taking care of me?” Butler said nothing, neatly folding Gabriel’s clothes and setting them on a nearby chair. But the demanding gaze continued to bore into his back, and finally, he turned around. Looking into the sleepy eyes, he curved his lips into a slight smile. “Even if I told you now, you probably wouldn’t remember it tomorrow.” “Hmm…” Gabriel’s eyelids finally closed. Now, nothing came from him except a steady, shallow breath. Butler exhaled in relief—he had successfully avoided answering the question that had caught him off guard. However, something was off—something that kept Butler from relaxing the way he usually did after Gabriel’s visits. It was the simple fact that Gabriel hadn’t left. He was still here, and it seemed Butler wasn’t meant to spend this night alone. The thought brought a slight discomfort, but soon, everything became much worse. Butler didn’t take his eyes off the sleeping Gabriel. Suddenly, the room seemed to blur before his eyes. The darkest thoughts—ones he believed long buried—rose from the depths of his subconscious, spreading an almost tangible darkness through the space. Amid the whirl of shadows, blood-red flashes pierced through, one after another. He’s so vulnerable now. A tingling crept into Butler’s palms—unpleasant and insistent, as if urging him to act. And there were so many ways. He could find a sharp object and slit his throat. Or crush his skull with something heavy. Or simply strangle him with his bare hands—he wouldn’t even have time to react. And no one would hear a thing. The guard who usually stationed himself outside only returned after Gabriel left. Right now, there was no one around. His right hand trembled. Butler clenched it into a fist, forcing himself to resist the impulse he couldn’t quite name. Eventually, the murder would be discovered. So by doing such a thing, he would essentially be signing his own death warrant—or, at the very least, condemning himself to lose his freedom for a long time. It would be foolish to escape one prison only to land in another. But on the other hand, he could quickly and permanently rid the world of this embodiment of evil in human form—and perhaps even prevent new victims, which otherwise seemed inevitable. Can I even kill? Can I... kill him? No. He could never do it. Butler helplessly unclenched his fist, a lump forming in his throat. Now, even the thought of what he had been about to do made him nauseous. But why couldn’t he? After all, there was a time when he had dreamed of doing it—of waiting for just such an opportunity. And now, the chance had come. There might not be another, so… No. No matter how much he tried to convince himself, it wouldn’t change anything. He couldn’t kill—because... he felt sorry for him. Yes, sorry for this cold-blooded monster who had never pitied anyone. His eyes stung, and to hold back the surge of unwanted emotions, Butler forced himself to laugh. It was quiet, but in this room—long immersed in silence—the sound felt too loud and out of place. The laughter quickly turned hysterical, but he couldn’t stop. Eventually, he clamped a hand over his mouth and only then managed to fall silent. And at that very moment, tears streamed down his face. “What is this?” Butler muttered, quickly wiping the moisture from his cheeks. “Could it be that I...” He didn’t finish, but there was no need. He already knew—had known for a long time—what was going on. He was utterly confused. By the very feelings that shouldn’t have been there. When had it started? When had he crossed the line and begun to feel affection for the one he was supposed to hate with all his heart? He didn’t know the answers to these questions—and that wasn’t what worried him most now. Not only could he not kill Gabriel, but he actually wanted to help him. Even knowing full well how pointless that desire was, because his case had long since become hopeless. And yet… “If only I could save you…” The thought that had been echoing in his head involuntarily slipped out—but there was still no one to hear it. Butler leaned over and pulled up the blanket, covering the naked body. Then, unable to resist, he gently kissed Gabriel’s temple. It is definitely abnormal to become attached to someone who tortures and causes pain. Such a deviation must have a name. “What did you say?” Butler straightened up abruptly and nearly jumped back in surprise. Gabriel’s eyes were half-open, their cloudy gaze fixed on him. With difficulty, pulling himself together, Butler tried to smile as casually as he could. “I didn’t say anything. You’re almost asleep—you must’ve imagined it.” Gabriel continued to look at him, a faint hint of doubt in his eyes. But, clearly unable to fight sleep for even a second longer, he soon closed his eyelids again. The quiet snore that followed made it clear that this time, he was definitely asleep. Butler undressed and got into bed next to Gabriel. For a long time, he stared at his back, thinking about his feelings for this man, analyzing them, trying to determine just how serious everything had become. In the end, he came to a disappointing conclusion—one he didn’t even want to admit to himself. Closing his eyes, he pressed himself against Gabriel, burying his face in his neck. And, swallowing his tears, he wished only to fall asleep as soon as possible—to stop thinking and feeling, even if only for a while.

***

As the first rays of dawn filtered through the window, Gabriel stirred awake. At first, he closed his eyes again, logically concluding that he could still sleep—he hadn’t heard his alarm clock. But just a few seconds later, a vague sense that something was wrong made him open them in dismay. The family photo was missing from the nightstand in front of him. Of course. This wasn’t his room. Only then did Gabriel become aware of the other’s presence behind him. He turned cautiously and found himself staring at Butler, who was lying just inches away, his breath warm against Gabriel’s neck. Memories of the previous evening began to flood back, and a wave of unease—quickly escalating to terror—washed over him. How could he have been so reckless as to stay here, completely defenseless? He instinctively pulled away, his eyes fixed on the other man. He could have done anything to me, he thought as a shiver ran down his spine. I’m sure he was considering it. Gazing at the face before him—so peaceful in sleep, with a slight smile playing on its lips—Gabriel couldn’t help but return the smile. Gradually, he recalled a phrase he’d heard on the brink of sleep, when his consciousness had been so hazy that he couldn’t confidently distinguish reality from a dream. And yet… If only I could save you. “I wonder,” Gabriel murmured, gently tucking a strand of Butler’s hair that had fallen onto his forehead behind his ear, “did you really say that yesterday? Or was I just imagining it?” The other man frowned slightly and shook his head almost imperceptibly, as if trying to shake off an unwanted touch. Gabriel withdrew his fingers with a wry smile. “It must have been my imagination,” he whispered, the smile fading from his face. “How could it be that even you... are no longer sure of what you feel?” That could very well be the case, he reasoned silently. It would certainly explain why he didn’t take the opportunity to get rid of me tonight. Although... maybe he just didn’t want to get his hands dirty. “What?” Butler’s eyelashes fluttered, and his eyes cracked open, though his gaze was still vacant. For a moment, Gabriel was taken aback—but then he crooked his lips in a lopsided smile. “Nothing. Just a dream you were having.” Butler closed his eyes and smiled too. You’re copying me, are you? When he woke again a little later, he saw Gabriel’s back as he sat on the bed in front of him, almost fully dressed. Butler tried to speak, but only a short, hoarse sound came out. “Gab…” “I woke you up, didn’t I?” the other man turned to him, offering a weak smile. “Sorry.” Butler shook his head, silently indicating that it was no trouble. “How are you?” he asked softly—at first met with a puzzled look. But when realization dawned in those eyes, Butler couldn’t meet his gaze anymore. Gabriel turned away. “I’m… okay.” Butler couldn’t miss the hesitant pause at the beginning of the sentence, and he felt a slight pang in his chest. I wonder if it ever crosses your mind that I could have killed you yesterday? “Really?” he asked mockingly, his carefree demeanor betraying nothing of his true thoughts. “Feeling alright? No headache at all?” Gabriel turned to face him completely, this time smiling openly. “Just a little bit. I’m lucky you looked after me.” Shrugging, Butler looked away and remarked indifferently, “I doubt I deserve any credit. If you’re feeling fine after last night’s drinking, it’s only because of your body.” “Still... thank you.” The words were spoken softly, surprisingly gently—and when Butler looked at Gabriel, he saw a meek smile on his lips. This expression, one he had never seen before, struck him so much that he couldn’t say anything. He could only wonder whether Gabriel had expected so little care from him—or perhaps… he was thanking him for what Butler hadn’t done. A moment later, Butler felt the soft touch of lips on his own. Though unexpected, he immediately pulled Gabriel closer, pressing lightly on the back of his neck, not allowing him to pull away. Understanding his intentions, Gabriel smiled and deepened the kiss—which, however, didn’t last long. “No, this won’t do,” he murmured, rising. “I won’t want to leave.” Butler laughed. “Will you come over tonight?” he asked, as Gabriel got up from the bed and walked over to the mirror. The other man glanced over his shoulder, a hint of surprise in his eyes. “I always do.” Yeah, Butler thought, except for those times when you suddenly get it into your head to distance yourself from me. “Then... can I ask you something?” Gabriel turned around and looked at him with interest. “Go ahead.” “Just... don’t bring any wine this time, okay? No other alcohol either. And... try not to drink before you come over.” Butler said this a little hesitantly; he had never had to ask Gabriel for anything like this on his own initiative before, and he wasn’t at all sure how the other man would react. However, much to his relief, Gabriel smiled calmly. “All right,” he replied. He turned back to the mirror to adjust his clothes, and Butler watched his back, still surprised that his request had been accepted so easily. Then Gabriel suddenly said, “I’m sorry about last night. It was my fault the evening turned out so poorly.” “It’s okay,” Butler waved him off. “It happens to everyone. I’m more curious why you got so drunk—I’ve never seen you like that before.” The other man hesitated for a few seconds. “I guess,” he drawled, turning to Butler, “I lost my sense of proportion. After all, thanks to your efforts, I hardly drink anymore.” “So you’re saying it’s my fault?” Butler muttered, turning toward the wall with an offended look. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a flicker of regret on Gabriel’s face. “That’s not what I meant... Actually, I think I should thank you for it.” Butler chuckled, glancing at Gabriel with a mocking look. “No need to thank me. Your health isn’t my concern. I just wanna have sex with you when we’re clear-headed.” The other man blinked in confusion, then laughed. As Butler listened to his genuine, cheerful laughter, he couldn’t help but smile. “In that case, I promise”—Gabriel walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek—“that I’ll come to you completely sober tonight.” He left, and Butler watched him go, still smiling. Then he turned onto his back, put his hands behind his head, and closed his eyes. “‘Lost your sense of proportion,’ huh? I guess you just wanted to prove to yourself that you could do without me. But... you couldn’t. Your feet brought you right back to me.” Butler didn’t know what he was so happy about, but the silly grin wouldn’t leave his face, no matter how hard he tried to wipe it away. It was hard to describe the feeling that had firmly settled inside him—the one causing these mood swings and rapid shifts in thought, from gloomy to utterly, inappropriately exciting. All these thoughts were somehow connected to the same person, and this had been going on for how many days now? He’d practically stopped thinking about anyone else. Even his sister came to mind less and less. And he’d completely forgotten about... Rose. He thought of her that evening, unexpectedly. Outside, a torrential rain was lashing against the window, large drops tracing muddy trails down the glass. In the oppressive quiet of his room, broken only by the muted noise from outside, Butler once again felt like a prisoner. And he started thinking about Rose. She was being held somewhere against her will, supposedly for her safety, but really just to keep her out of the way. Essentially, she was a prisoner too—just like him. He stared into the glass, watching his own reflection against the backdrop of heavy, cascading droplets. They seemed to roll down his face—or rather, the face of his reflection. His eyes, he was certain, were perfectly dry. He gazed unblinkingly beyond the glass and into the space beyond, until he saw a figure—a thin, ghostly figure of someone who couldn’t possibly be there. Rose. Her image gradually sharpened; she was looking at him too, but the expression in her eyes was vastly different from the last time he’d seen her. Sadness, disappointment, and... reproach. She was condemning him for everything he had done—or rather, for everything he had not done. For failing to prevent the nightmare that was now unfolding in the district. He didn’t know the specifics of what was happening in the outside world, as Gabriel had long since stopped filling him in, but it was clear enough that the destruction was unstoppable. It would only accelerate until it culminated in the deaths of countless innocent people. And Butler would simply watch from the sidelines, along with the one who had orchestrated it all. Didn’t that make him an accomplice? Didn’t that shift part of the blame onto him too? He felt it—he constantly felt this burden of guilt—but he preferred to turn a blind eye to this fact and pretend he had nothing to do with it. “I’m not worthy of forgiveness, Rose.” In response, the imaginary Rose simply shook her head. She would never forgive him—not even she, who was always so quick to forgive others’ mistakes. The door creaked, and in that instant, the vision before him trembled and dissolved into the darkness beyond the window. Afterward, he could only see his own reflection in the glass, but something was wrong with it. Bringing his hand up to his cheek and touching his skin, he realized what it was. Tears were now rolling down his real face as well. Quickly wiping them away, Butler turned to the door. Gabriel stood frozen in the doorway, as if hesitant. Then he slowly moved toward Butler but stopped a few feet away. “What’s wrong with you?” “Nothing.” Butler looked away, forcing a smile. “Everything’s fine.” Gabriel was silent for a long time, not taking his eyes off him. “You still have tears on your cheeks,” he finally remarked flatly. Butler ran his hands over his face again—and sure enough, he could still feel the dampness on his fingertips. “Strange, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He laughed nervously, trying his hardest to sound carefree, as if nothing was bothering him. “Must have gotten something in my eye.” He avoided looking at Gabriel, not wanting to give away his emotions—though, judging by the prolonged silence, his acting was obviously unconvincing. With a crooked smile, he added, “Sorry.” “For what?” Gabriel’s tone remained even. For a moment, Butler looked up—the other man’s eyes were watching him intently, with a strained intensity. “Well,” he said, turning away again, “for greeting you like this. That’s not why you came here.” Gabriel responded with a wistful smile. “I have an idea why you feel that way. You have nothing to apologize for. If anything, it’s me...” He trailed off, unable to finish the sentence, and after a short silence, added, “Maybe it would be better if I left you alone today?” Butler stared at him in astonishment, momentarily speechless. He had never been given such a choice before, so he was quite taken aback. Finally, all he could manage was, “Can I?” “You can.” Gabriel looked at him, and Butler thought he saw a hint of sympathy in his eyes. “If you need it, just say so.” For a few seconds, they stared into each other’s eyes. In that very moment, without any prompting, memories surfaced in Butler’s mind—memories of their shared past that he usually tried desperately to bury deep within his consciousness. Even thinking about them was unbearable, and those events no longer seemed real. But... he had indeed lived through it all; his body remembered every bit of pain inflicted, and with these wounds reopening, his mind was once again flooded with venomous, cruel words. “So, how does it feel?” The eyes, flashing with malice, a twisted, grotesque grin distorting the handsome face. His own neck, bearing the painful marks of the other’s nails for so long. “You look amazing, Phil.” The mocking tone and smug look. The excruciating pain in his body, and the even worse pain that was slowly tearing his soul apart. “Look at me, look, don’t take your eyes off me.” The hateful image, stuck in his mind, crowding out everything else. Desperate attempts to rid himself of it and tears of despair. “And I ‘love’ you.” A false confession of love, eating away at his heart. Endless self-loathing and a desire to end it all. “Phil?” Gabriel’s worried voice pulled Butler from the depths of his worst memories, and he suddenly realized that he had been staring blankly into the other man’s eyes. Clamping a hand over his mouth, he turned away abruptly. “I’m sorry,” he managed to croak, his voice trembling as tears streamed down his face. “Maybe I really... need to be alone right now.” Gabriel didn’t answer, merely nodding in understanding before turning toward the door. In that split second, Butler caught a look in his eyes that he hadn’t seen before—a look so sad that a sharp pang of pity pierced his heart. “No,” he blurted out, and Gabriel stopped. “Wait, Gab.” Lowering his head to hide the wet tracks on his cheeks, he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s neck, pressing tightly against him and burying his nose in the other man’s shoulder. For a moment, Gabriel stood motionless, unsure how to respond, but then he gently wrapped his arms around Butler’s back, tentatively returning the hug. “Listen,” he began, his voice unusually soft, clearly trying to comfort, “let’s... just talk today. You can tell me everything that’s been bothering you, and I’ll listen. Of course, I already know what it’s about,” he added bitterly, pausing for a moment. His hands slid from Butler’s shoulders down his back and up again, and Butler let out a long sigh, completely relaxing in this warm embrace. He was still crying silently, hiding his tears in Gabriel’s shoulder, but he smiled, feeling the gentle touch of lips against his ear. “But sometimes you just need to say it out loud, you know how it is,” Gabriel said. “It can’t always be me complaining to you. Let’s just say it’s your turn today.” “By the way,” Butler said, pulling away and wiping his cheeks. He looked at Gabriel with a smile. “You haven’t done this in a long time. And aren’t there plenty of reasons to complain?” “Of course there are. Where would they go?” the other man said, glancing away, the corner of his lips twitching into a smirk. “It’s just that when I come to you, you won’t let me get a word in edgewise.” “Oh, is that so?” Butler smiled wider and lowered his gaze. “Well then... I’m not going to let you today either.” With those words, he leaned forward and pulled Gabriel closer, kissing him on the lips, but Gabriel immediately stepped back, holding Butler by the shoulders. “Wait,” he said, looking confused. “You just…” “Forget it, okay?” Butler said, removing Gabriel’s hands and leaning in again, now covering his face with kisses. “Forget you saw that. Don’t think about it and don’t worry about anything. Just remember why you came here.” He ran his hands along Gabriel’s tense shoulders and down his arms to his wrists, then pulled the still body closer. When he didn’t get a response, he whispered in his ear, “Hug me. Hug me tight, Gab.” At that moment, he was obediently squeezed into an embrace. Butler exhaled contentedly. “There you go, you’re doing it right,” he murmured, leaning toward Gabriel’s neck and touching it with his lips, immediately feeling shivers run down the other man’s skin. Continuing to kiss him, he mumbled, “And why are you so hesitant today?” “Probably because you’re acting this way,” Gabriel replied, putting his hand on the back of Butler’s head. At first he pressed slightly, as if wanting to hold him in place, but then he pushed him away and looked into his eyes. “I think you don’t really want this.” Butler looked away, annoyed. “No, it’s... not like that. Don’t think that just because I’m a little on edge.” Pressing his entire body against Gabriel again, he whispered, “Don’t go, please. Stay with me. I really need this. Help me.” “Help?” the other man asked, surprised. “How?” “Make me forget everything except you. The way you know how.” Saying this in the most seductive tone possible, Butler resumed kissing Gabriel’s neck. The other man sighed, forcing himself away once more. “And yet, I don’t think what you need right now is this. Let me leave you alone so you can calm down, okay?” There was open pity in his eyes now, and Butler didn’t like it at all. He crossed his arms and frowned disapprovingly. “Why do I have to convince you? You... don’t you want this?” He was starting to feel awkward, because it seemed like he was the only one of them who wanted intimacy. Gabriel smiled softly at him. “It’s not about what I want, but about what’s best for you.” “Amazing concern,” Butler couldn’t help but snort. He didn’t want to show such obvious mockery, but he couldn’t wrap his head around why Gabriel was suddenly so worried about his psychological problems. “And why now, especially when I’m telling you everything is fine? You’ve never cared about this kind of thing before.” These words slipped out of his mouth without his thinking, and he immediately regretted them when he saw Gabriel’s face contort, instantly becoming sad—just like it had been a moment ago when he was about to leave his room. Gabriel turned away in a futile attempt to hide his emotions, and Butler leaned forward right away, pressing his lips against his cheek. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m an idiot. I said that without thinking. Don’t listen to me.” “What are you apologizing for?” came the sad reply. Butler took a closer look. Gabriel was avoiding his gaze, clearly feeling uncomfortable—for the first time, Butler saw him so ill at ease here. He had rarely observed any signs of regret from this man before, but now it was becoming all too obvious. It seemed strange, completely out of place after everything that had happened, and yet it couldn’t help but please him. Because of the way Gabriel was acting, Butler wanted to support him even more. He put his arms around Gabriel’s shoulders, and the other man flinched slightly in his grasp. “Let’s not think about anything serious for now,” Butler said softly. At that moment, he realized he had calmed down himself. When had his mood changed so drastically? This person definitely had an amazing influence on him, which Butler found difficult to explain to himself. Or rather, the explanation was simple enough, but it was harder to accept. “Tell me, why do you come here? To forget about what’s bothering you for a while, right? I also want to get away… from my thoughts. So... we can help each other in this. If you stay here now, it will only be better for both of us.” Gabriel exhaled softly, and slowly, hesitantly, his arms wrapped around Butler’s waist. Butler mentally congratulated himself for choosing the right words, but he needed to say something further to completely convince Gabriel and make him forget about everything else. Smiling, he brought his lips close to the other man’s ear and said in a quiet tone, “Let’s just have a good time together and not think about anything else. By the way, just so you know, only today I’m ready to do absolutely anything you want”—as he said so, he lightly kissed Gabriel’s ear, then gently bit his lobe—“if, of course, you ask nicely.” A shuddering sigh escaped Gabriel’s lips, and Butler immediately covered them with his own, this time meeting no resistance. The long kiss drew them both in; as Butler melted into the embrace, he leaned in again and again, yearning for even greater intimacy. In the distant corners of his mind where he kept his darkest memories, a faint voice whispered that this was wrong, that he shouldn’t allow it, but he couldn’t fight the sensations. The man’s touch quickened Butler’s pulse, his kisses made his head spin and his knees weak, and yet he didn’t want it to stop. He knew what it was called, and he hadn’t felt this way in a very long time. “You shouldn’t have said that,” Gabriel said, pulling away, panting. “Now you can’t take it back.” Butler smirked and whispered against his lips, “I wouldn’t dream of it. Didn’t you know, Major? I always keep my word.” They laughed together and kissed again. Gradually retreating toward the bed and pulling Gabriel with him, Butler began to undress him, allowing Gabriel to return the favor. As soon as Gabriel pressed down on his shoulders, he obediently lay back on the sheets, wrapping his arms tightly around the body hovering above him. Their lips parted, and then Butler felt warm, wet kisses trailing down his neck, shoulders, chest, and stomach. He moaned softly and arched into the touch, trembling with growing excitement. Before Gabriel could touch his hips, Butler spread his legs and instantly felt fingers tracing along the skin between his buttocks, their light massaging movements sending shivers down his spine. Closing his eyes, Butler tilted his head back and began to grind against the fingers, practically impaling himself on them. Gabriel’s movements suddenly ceased, and after a moment’s hesitation, Butler opened his eyes to find Gabriel staring intently at his face, his gaze strangely fixed on his features. “What?” he asked. “Something wrong?” Gabriel smiled and shook his head, continuing their interrupted activity. Butler leaned in again, unable to stifle a moan of pleasure. “You’re so beautiful, Phil.” Butler’s cheeks instantly flushed at the words, whispered right into his ear. Trying to hide it, he turned his head away, forcing a laugh. “Oh, come on. I’ve always thought of myself as anything but beautiful.” Gabriel chuckled, brushing his lips up Butler’s cheek. “You have no idea how gorgeous you are.” Butler bit his lip. He still wouldn’t turn to face the other man, battling a shyness he’d never known before, and Gabriel showed no signs of stopping. “I especially love the expression on your face when I touch you. The way you close your eyes”—he touched his lips to the corner of Butler’s eye—“the way you bite your lips”—this time he gently kissed the corner of his mouth, and from this simple action, Butler shivered—“like you’re trying to hold back a moan, but you can’t. I… I just can’t stop looking at you.” As he spoke, he passionately kissed Butler’s face and neck. Butler wrapped his hands around Gabriel’s head, burying his fingers in the other’s hair and stroking the back of his neck. “So that’s why you’re never in a rush, is it?” he teased. “Are you studying every detail of me?” “I’m trying to prepare you.” Gabriel smiled, then admitted with a sigh, “Though you’re right, there’s that too. I want to commit every feature of yours to memory.” Butler wanted to come up with a witty reply, but the words got stuck in his throat. All he could feel was his face burning. Everything Gabriel was saying was so incredibly embarrassing and made his heart race. He couldn’t quite figure out if he liked it or not. “I’m sure many people would love to have you,” Gabriel whispered passionately, his kisses raining down on Butler’s body. “You look so good, you’re so sensitive and responsive. You’re the epitome of sexiness, it’s impossible not to want you. I can’t resist you, Phil, you’re incredible...” “Stop it, Gab,” Butler said in a trembling voice. “If you want something to do with your mouth, just get on with it.” Gabriel fell silent right away and looked up at his face, then chuckled softly, pressing his nose against Butler’s hair. “Haha, embarrassed, huh? You’re so red.” “Shut up,” Butler growled, feeling even more awkward from Gabriel’s comment. The other man chuckled again. “Hehehe, I didn’t know you could be even more charming. Yeah, those who used to look at you that way would definitely envy me now. Because this beautiful young man belongs to me.” He pressed his lips to Butler’s ear, kissing and nibbling on his earlobe; Butler trembled again from the unbearably pleasant sensations. “You’re mine, Phil, do you hear? Only mine.” “Gab…” A soft sigh escaped Butler’s lips along with the name, and he turned to the man, pulling him by the back of the head and kissing him deeply. The latter immediately took the lead, their tongues entwined in a passionate dance. Butler could only moan into his mouth, arching into the caress of Gabriel’s hands. So close, he could clearly smell Gabriel’s undeniably expensive cologne—exotic, sophisticated, intoxicating—just like him. It aroused him intensely, but in a way that was completely different from women; no, it excited him in a way that made him want to let this man do anything he wanted. He wanted to give himself over completely, to fulfill Gabriel’s every desire, just as long as he said what he wanted. Sometimes, when his mind briefly returned to him, he wondered why he had never felt this way before. Could it be because he had never met a man as captivating? Gabriel broke the kiss, licking Butler’s lips one last time, and looked at him with eyes full of desire. Just by looking into them, Butler realized what had always drawn him to this man—it was precisely this look. It was very flattering, and he even began to think that he really was as Gabriel had described him. And for some reason, he felt significant, even though he had no real reason to believe so. “Do you really like me that much?” he asked with a smirk, now looking at Gabriel without a hint of embarrassment. The other man sighed and buried his nose in Butler’s neck. “What do you think? Can’t you tell?” “I can tell,” Butler replied with a chuckle. Gabriel was pressed tightly against him, and he could feel the man’s erection against his thigh. “And I can feel it very well.” Gabriel laughed. “Yeah, you turn me on. So much so that I think I’m going crazy.” He softly kissed Butler’s neck, and Butler closed his eyes again in pleasure. “Seriously, I think about you all the time. Every day I can’t wait to see you.” Butler smiled. It was pleasing to know that he had such an effect on Gabriel, but at the same time, he felt a tinge of regret. After all, if Gabriel really felt this way about him, he could use it to his advantage... if only Butler himself weren’t so swept up in it all. “You’re so beautiful,” Gabriel whispered into his ear again, then kissed his cheek. “And you’re incredible in bed, but you know... that’s not all I love about you.” “What else?” Butler asked, looking away, feeling Gabriel’s gaze on him and unable to meet it. Gabriel’s lips pressed against his temple. “Everything. I love everything about you, Phil. You’re... exactly the kind of person I’ve always wanted to meet.” At that moment, Butler’s heart skipped a beat. He suddenly found it hard to breathe, and his eyes welled up with tears. But shouldn’t words like these have made him happy? “Really?” he managed a strained smile. “You mean you like even my crude jokes and foul language?” Gabriel looked at him with a soft smile. “Yes, I like it. It gives you a unique charm. Although lately, I haven’t noticed it as much. Maybe it’s because you’re holding back around me.” He bit his lip, and a moment later leaned toward Butler, burying his face in his hair. “No more of that. Say whatever you want. I... want you to be yourself.” “Mmm...” Butler didn’t know what to say in response, and all that came out was an unintelligible grunt. As if trying to express what he couldn’t say in words, he gently ran his fingers through Gabriel’s hair with one hand, stroking his back with the other. They lay in silence for a while, listening to the sound of the relentless rain outside. “Can I speak Japanese too?” Butler asked suddenly, and Gabriel chuckled into his ear. “No need for Japanese, I don’t understand it. Although... if you translate everything you say right away, you can.” “Amazing,” Butler murmured. He continued to stroke Gabriel’s neck and back, but soon his hands slipped down limply. “But I still don’t believe you.” “Why?” Gabriel’s voice sounded slightly hurt. “I know I have a bad reputation, but I’ve never lied to you. It’s only you… I can be completely honest with.” Butler’s heart ached again at his words. “I understand that you don’t really need to lie to me,” he replied softly. “But it just can’t be. You can’t possibly like everything about me.” He fell silent, finding it increasingly difficult to speak. A lump formed in his throat, and he felt tears welling up. “Have you forgotten, Gab? What you hate about me. You hate it so much you want to erase it from the face of the earth.” Silence was his answer, but for Butler, it was confirmation enough. Bitterly, he smiled and said, “Given that... I don’t understand how you could possibly like me at all.” He turned away, tears streaming down his face. Gabriel reached up and gently wiped them away. “Phil. Phil, look at me.” Butler forced himself to turn, but his vision was blurred. Gabriel carefully traced his fingers along both cheeks, wiping away the tears. “I like you,” he said, looking right into Butler’s eyes. “No matter what. Do you understand?” “No,” Butler replied honestly, feeling quite perplexed. “How’s that?” Gabriel smiled. “I thought you’d understand.” He stroked Butler’s hair. “Isn’t it the same with you?” “Huh? What do you mean?” “You also overlook my flaws. And yet you still like me, right?” Butler could only nod, confused. Smiling, Gabriel leaned in and whispered, “It’s the same with me.” The next moment, he covered Butler’s lips with his. Butler wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s neck, returning the incredibly tender kiss that made his head spin again, and all his thoughts gradually faded away. At the last moment, however, he managed to think that he didn't fully agree with Gabriel’s statement. Yes, he definitely liked him, but… I don’t overlook your “flaws”. Rather, I try to accept you for who you are. They kissed for a long time, passionately, pressing closer and closer together. At one point, Butler wrapped his legs around Gabriel’s waist, while Gabriel eagerly ran his hands over Butler’s hips and buttocks. They could no longer contain their desire, and soon Gabriel pulled away from Butler’s lips, quickly kissing the corner of his mouth. “Wait.” He reached for the bedside table, forcing Butler to loosen his grip for a moment. Watching intently, Butler patiently awaited what would come next—until a thought struck him. Grasping Gabriel’s wrist, he pulled him closer; the other man yielded easily, leaning in again for a quick kiss. “What?” Gabriel asked with a smile. “Want to tell me something?” Butler returned the smile and shook his head. Then, in a swift motion, he grabbed Gabriel’s shoulders and flipped him over, pinning him to the bed. Surprise flickered across Gabriel’s face, quickly replaced by an intrigued smirk. “So, what are you planning to do?” “I—” Butler stammered, suddenly a little self-conscious, “I want to do to you what you usually do to me.” He trailed off, his hand slowly running over Gabriel’s torso, never breaking eye contact. Gabriel’s smile seemed to falter. His lips twitched, and a hint of uncertainty crept into his eyes. “Is that so?” He slid his hand down Butler’s spine, pulling him a little closer. “You think you can handle this? Ready to go all the way?” Butler smirked. “Maybe not all the way, but”—he leaned in and whispered in Gabriel’s ear—“let me show you now how much I like you.” Gabriel shuddered, turning his head slightly away. “You don’t have to do this,” he murmured. Butler kissed the corner of his mouth. “I know. But I want to. So... don’t fight it, okay? Just let go a little. I promise, you’ll enjoy it.” Butler sought Gabriel’s gaze, searching for approval in his eyes, but Gabriel stubbornly looked away. Yet he offered no protest, and realizing what it was all about, Butler chuckled. “Look at you, all flustered,” he teased. The tables had turned, and now it was Gabriel beneath him, his cheeks flushed. Visibly annoyed, Gabriel snapped, “Button your lip.” “Hahaha. I like you, Gab, I really do.” Leaning in again, Butler kissed Gabriel’s neck, feeling the skin tingle beneath his lips. A satisfied smile spread across his face as he continued to kiss, trailing down to his shoulders. “I... I’m glad to hear that,” Gabriel replied softly, wrapping his arms around Butler. A small smile played on his lips. Butler continued to shower kisses across Gabriel’s shoulders and chest, tracing his fingers over the flat, hard planes of his stomach, watching his every reaction. Gabriel shuddered slightly, breathing heavily, his fingers tangling in Butler’s hair as he ran his hand up and down Butler’s spine. “You’re very good at this,” Gabriel murmured, his eyes fluttering shut. “I told you you wouldn’t regret it.” Butler paused, meeting Gabriel’s gaze. “No one’s ever complained before.” Gabriel looked at him with a hint of annoyance from beneath half-lidded eyes. “You didn’t have to bring up your extensive experience now.” “Oh, come on,” Butler chuckled. “There’s nothing wrong with that—and you’re about to find out.” Gabriel wanted to protest, but he faltered as Butler’s kisses trailed down to his stomach; the shiver running through his body intensified. Meanwhile, Butler’s hands roamed his thighs, brushing against his inner thighs and slowly moving upward until they finally cupped his base. Hearing a muffled moan, Butler hummed in satisfaction and was about to continue when he froze, feeling a hand on the back of his head. “Phil…” Gabriel’s eyes fluttered open, his gaze now openly pleading. Butler hovered over him, his face inches from Gabriel’s hips. “Tell me what you want, Gab,” he said with a suppressed smirk. A flicker of irritation and displeasure crossed the other’s eyes as he realized he was being pushed into this, but he reacted swiftly, propping himself up on his elbows and pulling Butler closer by the neck. “I want to fuck your beautiful mouth.” Butler’s lips curved into a smug smile. “Such vulgar language, Major.” He leaned in, eagerly meeting Gabriel’s passionate kiss; meanwhile, his hand slipped up the other’s thigh, caressing the sensitive organ. Gabriel moaned into the kiss and, after a moment, broke it, pressing his lips to the corner of Butler’s mouth. “You,” he breathed, “are you going to do it?” Butler swallowed nervously, unsure of what to say. He had been the one to tease Gabriel, but now that it was time to put his money where his mouth was, he was suddenly unsure of himself. Finally, he decided to play it off as a joke. But Gabriel, clearly sensing his hesitation, didn’t let him. “You promised you’d do anything I asked,” he softly reminded Butler, wrapping his arms around him. “Or are you going back on your word?” “Hah, you got me there.” Butler smiled, sighing as he felt Gabriel’s lips against his cheek. “Well, I said it, so I guess I have to follow through.” After a quick kiss on Gabriel’s lips, he glanced down at Gabriel’s groin, his body tensing at the thought of what was to come. Pausing for a moment, he managed to suppress his nervousness and began to bend over when Gabriel grabbed his shoulder. “Alright, relax,” Gabriel said, pulling Butler closer and showering his face with kisses. “If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. Maybe we can try again another time. For now, let’s just do what we usually do, okay?” His voice was calm and even gentle, without a hint of resentment or displeasure, but Butler still felt a sense of awkwardness at his own fear. What was he so afraid of? In a sudden surge of courage, he said, “No way. That won’t do.” Gabriel’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Before he could react, Butler pressed down on his shoulders and commanded, “Lie down.” Without argument, Gabriel complied and lay back on the bed. Butler then climbed onto his lap. “Just so you know…” He gave a nervous smile, tracing his hand along Gabriel’s aroused member, and Gabriel closed his eyes, letting out a heavy breath. “I’ve never done this before.” A soft chuckle was the reply. “I don’t doubt it.” Gabriel looked at Butler and, noticing his uncertainty, smiled warmly. “It’s okay. I trust you.” Despite the context, Butler felt a strange, aching pain in his chest. Shouldn’t words like that make him feel good? But then again, nothing was ever normal with this man, and he decided it was time to get used to it. The next second, he leaned forward and gently took the glans into his mouth, running his tongue along it and eliciting a loud moan from Gabriel. Gabriel involuntarily thrust his hips upward, and Butler pulled back abruptly, almost choking. “I told you I’m new at this.” He smirked, wiping the corner of his mouth. “Don’t expect too much from me on my first try.” Gabriel looked at him, a soft, surprisingly pleasant smile playing on his lips. “I’m sorry…” Even his voice was incredibly gentle, his eyes holding a mixture of desire and an emotion Butler couldn’t quite place—he’d never been looked at like that before. But he knew for sure that he loved everything he was seeing. Unable to tear his gaze away from that smile, which made Gabriel’s face look impossibly beautiful, he felt his own lips tremble uncertainly, ready to either smile back or laugh at the absurdity of the situation. In the end, he resisted any reaction and leaned in again. At first, he tried to figure out the right movements, recalling past experiences and trying to replicate what he’d seen those girls do, but he quickly realized that things felt completely different from this side. He was sure he was doing everything wrong—yet perhaps not too badly, judging by Gabriel’s reaction. Gabriel’s eyes were squeezed shut in pleasure, and he was letting out unusually uninhibited moans, his body involuntarily arching, yet he was obediently restraining himself from making any sudden movements. Distracted from his task, Butler smirked. “Enjoying yourself?” he asked, peering into Gabriel’s half-lidded eyes. “Want me to change anything?” “Don’t... ask questions,” Gabriel breathed, pressing his fingers into Butler’s nape, silently urging him to continue, but then suddenly tugging at his hair, pulling him away slightly. “By the way, how about you? How does this feel for your first try?” Butler averted his gaze from Gabriel’s smirking face, his lips twitching nervously. “Don’t you ask questions either,” he finally smiled. Gabriel laughed, but his laughter broke into a deep, ragged breath as Butler returned to what he was doing. He couldn’t bring himself to admit that his own sensations were far from pleasurable, but it didn’t seem to matter compared to what he was seeing. Sensing that Gabriel was reaching his limit, Butler increased his pace—only to be abruptly pushed away by the shoulders. “Stop,” Gabriel panted, glancing at a slightly bewildered Butler. Then, in a swift motion, he flipped them over, pinning Butler to the bed and ending up on top. Butler yielded easily, pulling Gabriel closer and wrapping his arms around him tightly. Gabriel, no longer being gentle, seemed to be in a hurry and couldn’t restrain himself. Butler winced at the slight pain but said nothing, trying to remain as quiet as possible. After a brief and rather rough preparation, the penetration was sudden and quite painful, and Butler couldn’t help but cry out. But Gabriel seemed completely oblivious to his reaction. Moaning and burying his face in Butler’s neck, he began to move immediately, and with each thrust, the pain intensified. Hot kisses rained down on Butler’s face, neck, and shoulders, but he still didn’t feel any better. All he could do was moan in pain, his nails involuntarily digging into Gabriel’s back. It brought back memories he wished he could forget—memories of pain and humiliation that had haunted his body and mind for so long. Times when he had hoped he would never wake up, when sleep was the only escape from the nightmare that was his reality. He hated the man who had treated him like a toy, always ready to silently endure any whim of his master. Toys can’t talk, and they don’t have minds of their own. But even a toy can be broken. He knew this was different now. Gabriel wasn’t ignoring his reaction; he just wasn’t noticing it, too wrapped up in his own sensations. Slowly sliding his hands up Gabriel’s back, Butler hugged him around the neck and pulled him closer. “Easy, easy, I beg you, Gab...” he whispered in the other man’s ear, pressing his lips against his temple. Gabriel froze. Pulling back slightly, he looked into Butler’s face, then his gaze slid down his body and back up again. His eyes now held a look of such profound regret that it made Butler’s heart ache. “God... I’m so sorry,” he whispered, nuzzling Butler’s neck again. Butler held him tighter, a small smile playing on his lips. “It’s not as bad as you think,” he replied. “Just... be more careful next time.” The other man hemmed in agreement, and his next movement was slow and deliberate. The pain had noticeably subsided, replaced by a pleasant sensation that made Butler moan softly and arch his back. “Better now?” Gabriel asked worriedly, his body trembling with barely contained desire. Butler smiled and gently cupped the back of his head, pulling him closer and silencing him with a long kiss. They moved toward each other, their kisses deepening, their heavy breathing and moans of pleasure blending together in a frenzy that brought them closer and closer to an overwhelming climax. After catching their breath and calming their trembling bodies, Gabriel pressed himself against Butler, burying his face in his hair. “I lost control,” he whispered. “I didn’t even notice I was hurting you. I’m so sorry.” “I’m okay now,” Butler breathed, a smile spreading across his face. Gabriel’s sincere apology warmed him. “But I appreciate you caring.” There was a moment of silence before Gabriel pressed himself closer. “I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice filled with regret. Butler thought he might be taking things a little too seriously. “I said it’s—” “No, it’s not about that,” Gabriel interrupted, cutting him off. Butler fell silent, curiously waiting for him to continue. And then, in a soft, hesitant voice, Gabriel said, “I’m sorry for how I treated you before. For everything I did.” “Huh?” Butler was taken aback, and for a moment he couldn’t say anything else. Then he laughed—a forced, bitter laugh. “Why... why remember that now?” “I never forgot,” Gabriel replied softly, “I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to remind you... but you still remembered, didn’t you? How it used to be... when I treated you that way and didn’t care at all.” Touché, Butler thought. He didn’t reply, swallowing hard as memories of those horrible days came flooding back. “It was worse than that, Phil. I didn’t just not care, I wanted you to hurt. I wanted you to feel as much pain as possible. It... it made me feel good.” “Ha… ha-ha.” Butler laughed bitterly, tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m not surprised. I always knew it.” He fell silent, swallowing hard again as he tried to control his emotions. Gabriel couldn’t see his face, but he seemed to sense his reaction and pulled him into a tighter embrace. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry for all the pain I caused you. I’ll never be able to erase those memories.” “Ha-ha.” Butler let out another hysterical laugh. “Why are you sorry, Gab?” The other man pulled back, looking at him in confusion. Butler turned away. “Don’t you think I deserve it?” he said quietly. “You always made it clear—that it was all my fault… that you were punishing me for my sins.” Gabriel opened his mouth to reply, then stopped, letting out a sigh instead. He leaned down and pressed his lips against Butler’s cheek, running his fingers through his hair in a soothing gesture. “And now you’re telling me you’re sorry? I don’t understand why. Could it be your feelings changed… just because I finally chose to sleep with you?” “No.” Gabriel flinched. “No, Phil, it’s not about that. Or rather... maybe it’s partly because we’ve gotten a little closer lately.” “What do you mean?” Butler asked with a chuckle. “It’s just... I didn’t see you for who you really were before. I admit I was wrong. You’re much better than I thought you were back then.” “Me?” Butler offered a wry smile, his eyes vacant as they stared out at the rain, which seemed to be letting up. “Gab, are you sure you’ve got this right? I’ve only ever looked out for myself. Every decision I’ve ever made was based on what was best for me. For that, I even... got involved with the mafia, which you hate so much.” He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth, trying to suppress a sigh of frustration. No matter how hard he tried to think back on the past few years, he couldn’t recall a single good deed. “So, what were you wrong about?” “But it’s not entirely true,” Gabriel countered, pulling back slightly. When Butler looked at him, he saw a faint smile playing on his lips. “A lot of what you’re blaming yourself for, you did because those greedy old men told you to. You were forced to cater to their every whim, constantly proving your worth. Because of your background, they always looked down on you. And you got involved with the mafia for the same reason.” He paused, then added, “No, not just that. When it came to Primavera, I think you had your own personal reasons for helping them. They claimed to be fighting for a better future for their people, right? That couldn’t have left you indifferent, seeing as Japan isn’t a foreign country to you. So you tried your best, in your position, to do what was right for both Americans and Japanese.” Butler listened, slightly stunned by this analysis of his character. He chuckled briefly and replied, “You think too highly of me.” “And you think too lowly of yourself. Or should I say, you’re just being humble?” Gabriel smiled, but his expression turned serious a moment later. “You may not be a good person, but you’re certainly not a bad one. At least, someone like me has no right to judge you.” He buried his face in Butler’s shoulder, holding him tightly. Butler hesitantly placed his hands on the other man’s back. “You… really think so?” “Yes, I do now,” Gabriel replied. After a moment of silence, he added, “And you know, there’s another quality I really admire about you.” “What is that?” Butler smiled. “You’re capable of a lot for the people you care about. You’re willing to make sacrifices. I should know.” A hint of regret laced Gabriel’s voice. “But on the other hand, that makes you vulnerable to people like me. So maybe it’s not such a good thing for you after all.” “Gab…” “You care about ordinary Japanese people. You even care about me, even though I don’t deserve it. You’re too kind, Phil. Do I need to explain again why I like you so much? And why I... regret everything I’ve done to you?” Butler didn’t reply. Tears streamed down his face, and he clenched his teeth, trying to stifle his sobs. But his shoulders still shook, and Gabriel noticed. “Please, don’t,” he whispered, softly pressing his lips to Butler’s wet cheek. “I know my apologies mean little now, but still... I just want you to feel better. I don’t want you to remember what happened to you back then. If there’s anything I can do—anything I can buy you, or anything I can do to improve your situation here... But I know you probably don’t want anything. Maybe you just want me to let you go. But I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” “I know,” Butler managed to say, swallowing his tears. “I wasn’t thinking about it.” “But you know,” Gabriel paused, as if unsure of what to say next, “if you ever want me to leave, you can just say so. There’ll be no punishment. I’ll just... leave you alone.” Butler simply hugged him back, unable to respond with words. He still couldn’t fully trust Gabriel, but everything the other man was saying was slowly calming him and warming his heart. He suddenly realized that the pain that had haunted him for so long was beginning to fade. Maybe he could actually forgive Gabriel and start over—as if everything that had happened between them were just a bad dream. But what’s the point? he thought to himself. We have no future together anyway. “I’ve hurt you so much,” Gabriel mumbled. “I have no idea how I can even begin to make things right. I probably can’t. Maybe just having me around reminds you of everything and causes you pain.” Butler was speechless again. He just couldn’t find the words, but he didn’t agree with what Gabriel had said. As strange as it seemed, it was quite the opposite; when Gabriel was with him—like this—he actually felt better. Sure, the painful memories were still there, but this Gabriel felt like a completely different person. And the feelings he was experiencing now were ones he’d been denying for so long. “Maybe it would be better if I just stopped coming around?” “What?” Butler was taken aback. “But... didn’t you say you couldn’t do without me, or something like that?” “Yeah, I’d be miserable without you,” Gabriel replied, nuzzling into Butler’s hair. “But if it’s better for you, then...” That was enough. Butler knew exactly what to say. He cupped Gabriel’s face and gently pulled him back, just enough to look into his eyes. “No, Gab, I don’t want that. I want you to come to me. It’s actually better this way, I promise.” Tears still glistened in his eyes, but he smiled, gently running his fingers through the other man’s blond hair. “I don’t hold anything against you. It’s true, I can’t forget—but you can... you can create new memories to replace the old ones. That’s enough. That’s all I need. And everything you just said. Let’s... try again.” Gabriel looked at him sadly and offered a small smile at the end of his speech. “Let’s do this,” he said, wiping away Butler’s tears with his thumb before leaning in to touch their foreheads together. “Thank you, Phil.” Butler leaned in and kissed him, holding him tightly. Gabriel was in no hurry to leave this time. They lay together in bed for a long time, their bodies intertwined, and Butler found a strange comfort in their closeness. He studied the face opposite him—a face he thought he knew from every angle, every expression—yet it seemed almost unfamiliar. The features were the same, but the emotions were completely different. He’d never seen this look on Gabriel before. He wasn’t sure what to call the emotion, but he suspected his own face reflected something similar. Eventually, it was time to say goodbye, and Butler watched longingly as Gabriel got dressed, sitting on the edge of the bed. He wanted to hold him a little longer, maybe even ask him to stay the night—but he couldn’t find a reason to justify such a request. It felt like too much to simply admit that he wanted it. When Gabriel turned around, fully dressed, Butler smiled at him. Gabriel returned the smile, and it was the most beautiful smile Butler had ever seen. “Good night,” he whispered, leaning in to give Butler a quick kiss. Before pulling away, Butler ruffled his hair affectionately. “Good night, Gab.” Gabriel left, and the door clicked shut behind him. Butler closed his eyes wearily, feeling a sense of peace he hadn’t experienced in a long time. He realized he couldn’t hear the rain anymore. Turning to the window, he saw that it had indeed stopped. Then he remembered seeing Rose’s reflection in that very window not long ago, and a pang of sadness shot through him. He had truly thought he loved her—that sweet, courageous girl with kind blue eyes. At least, until recently. But why now… Why is my heart pounding so hard just because he almost confessed his feelings to me? “I guess I’m just unlucky...” Butler gave a bitter chuckle, leaving the rest of the sentence hanging in the air. ...to fall in love with the most unsuitable person of all.