No Feelings

The next evening, Butler spent his first night alone in many months—and it felt... strange. He thought he should be happy for the opportunity—yes, part of him definitely felt relieved—but something still felt off. He decided it was probably just boredom, the absence of anything to occupy his thoughts. It wasn’t exactly good, of course, but it was better than what had been happening for so many days in a row. Now he was forced to go to bed early, hoping to fall asleep before he could be plunged into the usual restless thoughts—about how the world beyond the garrison, and this floor that had become his prison, was changing. And in the morning, waking up with the first rays of the sun, he realized that he felt much better. For once, he could smile at his reflection in the mirror. Even if it would all end soon, he thought, he still had time—and he needed to use it. Day after day passed, and gradually, nearly a week went by—but nothing changed. Butler would return to his room, lie on the bed for a while thinking of nothing, or stare out the window at the endlessly dull landscape until he began to feel sleepy. He admitted to himself that he’d even be glad to see Gabriel again—if only to break the monotony. But several more days passed before that happened, and even then it was just a chance encounter in the corridor. Gabriel’s expression was dark, his gaze calm but entirely emotionless. He flinched slightly when he noticed Butler, then gave a brief nod in greeting and walked past. The change in his mood and behavior was striking, but Butler remembered seeing him like that once before—long ago, on the day he finally came to him after weeks of avoiding any contact. Glancing after him, Butler smirked to himself, careful that the guard beside him wouldn’t notice. How long will you last, Gab? he thought mockingly. But it didn’t take long before Butler found himself in no mood for mockery. One quiet night, he woke from a wet dream, slowly realizing that it hadn’t been caused by some curvy beauty—or even Rose. With a desperate groan, he rolled over in bed, biting his lip and resisting the urge to touch himself, while his hands, his voice, and his scent haunted his thoughts. It only got worse with time. Eventually, conscious thoughts of Gabriel became his constant companions, making it impossible to focus on the world around him. He burned with shame but tried to maintain a calm exterior—though he still couldn’t meet his guards’ eyes. He feared they’d figure everything out if they noticed his condition—something that was becoming harder to hide. Just when he was about to go to Gabriel himself—to ask him to come at night—one of the watchmen came into his office in broad daylight and said the major wanted to see him. Immediately. On the way to Gabriel’s office, Butler was shaking so badly it would’ve been impossible to miss—if there had been anyone to see. Fortunately, the corridor was empty. He paused at the door, took a deep breath to steady himself, then knocked and opened it without waiting. “You called, sir?” Gabriel sat at his desk, head down, looking worn and dejected. When he finally looked up, Butler shuddered at the expression in his eyes—there was a raw, unmistakable longing in them. “Come in,” he said quietly, nodding toward the chair in front of his desk. Butler quickly took his place. “It’s been a while,” Butler said with a faint smile, eyes locked on Gabriel. The other man, however, refused to meet his gaze. “Yes, I... was a little busy,” Gabriel said with a strained smile. Butler nodded, pretending to believe such an explanation. “So now you’ve got a free minute and want to talk?” Gabriel looked at him, his smile growing more confident. “Yes, but this time I want you to talk.” “Me?” Butler was surprised. “What am I supposed to talk about?” Gabriel averted his gaze again. “You know, I usually unload all my complaints on you—but you’ve been in my shoes before. If you told me how you handled it all…” he looked at Butler with a faint smile, “I’d really appreciate it.” “Wow, you actually remembered that? When was that, even?” Butler smiled and glanced away, a little distant. It felt like a lifetime ago, but as he focused on those memories, they slowly sharpened—becoming vivid and real again. “Okay, I'll try to jog my memory,” he said. As he prepared to speak, Butler glanced at Gabriel. The man looked quietly pleased—his eyes brighter, a faint, contented smile on his lips. The sight stirred up the agitation Butler had almost subdued, but with effort, he began speaking as if nothing were wrong. After so many days of almost complete silence, it felt odd to be saying so much. His mouth went dry, yet Butler hadn’t felt so at ease in a long time. Gabriel proved to be a good listener, interjecting questions or comments here and there to show he was paying close attention. But there were also long pauses when Gabriel said nothing at all. When Butler looked at him during one such moment, he quickly averted his gaze, struggling to continue his speech and trying to ignore his racing heart. Because Gabriel's gaze was blatantly roaming over his body, almost slipping beneath his clothes before returning to his face and lingering on his lips. Then Gabriel would swallow—visibly. Butler didn’t need to look anymore; he could feel that gaze on him constantly—making it harder to speak, sending shivers down his spine. Eventually, when his memories had run dry, he fell silent and looked at Gabriel, meeting his eyes immediately and noticing the same smile—as if all those skin-crawling glances had never happened. “I should give you more opportunities to speak,” Gabriel remarked. “I really enjoy listening to you.” Butler couldn't help but smirk. “And I wonder how you manage to listen to me so attentively when all you’re thinking about is which position would be best to fuck me in.” Gabriel flinched and turned away abruptly, as if he’d been slapped in the face. “Come here, Phil,” he said in a low voice, without looking up. Butler bit his tongue, instantly regretting that he hadn’t done it a few seconds earlier. He stood up and slowly approached Gabriel, stopping a step away from his chair. Only then did Gabriel look at him—and in his eyes, Butler saw the same longing from before, now mingled with a desire he could no longer hide. In the next moment, Gabriel grabbed Butler's hand and pulled him closer, forcing him to sit on his lap. “Wait,” Butler protested, pushing against Gabriel’s shoulders. “What are you doing? Someone might come in...” “No one should be around for a while,” Gabriel said with a smirk, gently removing Butler's hands. He leaned forward, burying his nose in Butler's hair and wrapping his arms around his waist. “And even if someone needs something, they'll knock first.” “But... it's awkward here,” Butler mumbled, shivering a little at the chuckle in his ear. “I'm not going to do what you're thinking. Just sit here with me for a while.” “Alright…” In truth, he had no desire to resist. Pressing closer and resting his hands on Gabriel's shoulders, Butler caught that familiar scent—the one that had haunted his dreams and reveries—and it was enough to make his head spin and a weight settle low in his belly. Gabriel's breathing quickened. “You still smell so good,” he breathed into Butler’s ear. Then he touched his lips to it, biting his earlobe and running his tongue along the edge. Soon, light touches of lips and tongue trailed down to his neck, making Butler shudder each time. The hands sliding down his back burned even through his clothes. When they reached his buttocks, Butler let out a quiet moan, pressing his whole body against Gabriel—and eliciting a similar sound from him. Gabriel quickly unbuttoned Butler’s jacket and shirt, his mouth already roaming over his shoulders and chest without restraint, occasionally leaving sharp bites on his skin. But the insistent strokes of Gabriel’s tongue quickly erased the sting, sending waves of pleasure rippling through Butler’s body. He bit his lips as hard as he could, but still couldn't contain the heat overwhelming him and clouding his mind. And so he kept moaning aloud, forgetting where they were—or rather, simply not caring anymore. “Quiet, quiet,” Gabriel whispered, his kisses never ceasing. Though Butler couldn't see his face, he felt a faint smile against his skin. “I've missed you, I’ve missed you so much, Phil...” Butler pressed closer, trembling all over yet melting beneath the warm touch of hands that had slipped under his shirt and wrapped tightly around his torso. “You said you... wouldn't,” he reminded him, his words barely a moan. Gabriel trailed his lips across his cheek before pressing them close to his ear and whispering breathlessly, “How can I resist when you respond like that? What's gotten into you? You've never been like this.” Butler had no answer—and he didn’t want to think about it. Certainly not now, with Gabriel so close it was unbearably hot—and even the lightest touch of his fingers made Butler shudder uncontrollably. The sensations intensified with the ragged breathing near his ear, reaching their peak when Gabriel's tongue slowly slid inside. Letting out an impossibly raw, drawn-out moan, Butler buried his face in his neck, his body seizing up in a pleasant spasm that reached all the way to his fingertips. Gabriel exhaled sharply, squeezing him tighter in his embrace for a moment. “No, really, what are we doing?” he heard Gabriel mumble somewhere above his head. “This isn't the place.” Gabriel’s hands still stroked his back, but with growing restraint—it was clear he was forcing himself to calm down. And though it was difficult, he was succeeding. Just minutes ago, Butler might’ve wanted the same. But now he could only bite his lips helplessly, ashamed to realize that, unlike Gabriel, he had completely lost control of his desire. “Please,” he muttered, not moving an inch. The soft brush of lips against his ear made him shiver again. “Hm? What?” Gabriel asked, so innocently it was as if he truly didn’t understand the unspoken request. Are you kidding me? Butler gritted his teeth. Swallowing what pride he had left, he said quietly but clearly: “Fuck me.” The hands on his back froze, and it seemed like Gabriel even stopped breathing. “What?” he asked, obviously thinking he had misheard. Butler smirked, suddenly feeling more confident. He lifted himself up slightly, resting his hands on Gabriel's shoulders. “You heard me right,” he exhaled, lightly biting Gabriel’s earlobe. “Fuck me—here and now. Why are you hesitating? Why can’t you decide? You can see how much I want this…” After that, Gabriel broke loose, no longer holding back—neither in his kisses, bites, touches, nor the words he whispered in those brief moments when he pulled away from Butler’s skin. Even the compliments—bordering on vulgarity—no longer embarrassed Butler. They only heightened his arousal, and he lost his head, dissolving into sensation. He squirmed on Gabriel's lap, deliberately brushing against his groin. Gabriel gripped his thighs, holding him in place. “Don't tease me like that, Phil.” His voice was unusually low—rough, and just a little hoarse. Butler let out a soft laugh, wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s shoulders, and kissed his ear—making the other man’s body tremble. “You're driving me crazy,” Gabriel groaned, pulling him closer by the thighs. Butler closed his eyes and tilted his head back, offering his neck to the kisses. He shuddered with pleasure as Gabriel’s hand slipped under the elastic of his pants and underwear, brushing the bare skin of his buttocks. Now he could admit it—he loved all of it: the sensations flooding his body, and the way Gabriel reacted to his every move. For days now—even now—Butler had tried to convince himself it shouldn’t be like this, that he couldn’t possibly feel this way about Gabriel. But reason had long since stopped working the way he wanted it to. He no longer understood what was happening to him—or how serious it really was. And right now, he couldn’t think about any of it at all. And yet, the penetration with just slightly damp fingers was more painful than he expected. Butler hissed, involuntarily tilting his hips back. “Yes, it’ll hurt you like that,” Gabriel murmured, pulling away from Butler’s neck. His fingers slowed, suddenly less confident. Butler pressed against him again, pushing past his own hesitation. “No, go on,” he said, wrapping his arms around Gabriel's neck and resting his head on his shoulder. “Mmm, that's better...” “Phil…” Gabriel kissed his ear, then slowly circled the inside with his tongue—so sensually it sent a thousand shivers through Butler’s body. That alone was enough to blur the pain. But when Gabriel's other hand slid easily along his length, Butler groaned, pressing harder into him. At the same time, the fingers inside him began to move more sharply. But even those sharp movements slowly became pleasurable. Blended with pain, the sensation was unique—overwhelming in the most incredible way. Butler shuddered violently. “Gab,” he breathed, blissfully, moaning as his hips moved on their own to meet the rhythm. Gabriel pressed his lips to Butler’s temple. “You're so...” He was breathing heavily—clearly at his limit. Butler reached for his zipper, but Gabriel’s hand caught his, stopping him. “What…” The question, barely begun, was cut off at the first word when Gabriel’s lips pressed against his. Butler snapped his mouth shut, flinching at the insistent caress of the other man’s tongue—and that quiet, repeated plea: “Kiss me, Phil.” Still, Butler couldn't move. There was nothing inherently strange about the request. If he thought back, it had always been a natural part of his sexual encounters. But things were different with Gabriel. Their interactions had never lent themselves to that kind of expression—and there weren’t any feelings. Right? There shouldn’t be any now—and yet, something had changed. He felt it in Gabriel’s behavior—his tone, his glances, his touches, more thrilling than ever before. And for some reason, Butler was starting to get scared. He remained motionless, and after a few seconds, Gabriel pulled away. “Can’t you?” he asked softly, smiling. But there was so much bitterness in that smile that Butler looked away, awkward and ashamed. Gabriel pulled him in by the shoulders. “It's okay,” he whispered right by Butler's ear. “I shouldn't have expected you to.” “Are you sure it’s okay?” Butler asked, leaning in close to Gabriel’s ear. He ran his hands slowly over Gabriel’s shoulders, as if trying to soothe him. “Yes…” “Then why did you stop?” Gabriel's hands no longer caressed his body. Instead, they moved to adjust his pants, then began buttoning his shirt—starting from the bottom and working upward. “I told you,” he chuckled. “This isn't the place.” But you didn’t seem to mind a moment ago. Butler bit his lip, overwhelmed by a mix of emotions. The unsatisfied desire was now joined by the uncomfortable sense that he’d failed to meet Gabriel’s expectations—and why did that bother him so much? But if he did what Gabriel had asked... Just the thought made something tighten inside him. A shiver ran through his body—not a pleasant one, but the kind you feel before a dangerous leap. Like standing on the edge of something there might be no return from. He couldn’t explain it more clearly, but that’s how he felt. Once he’d fastened the last button, Gabriel gently pushed him away, pressing lightly on his shoulders. “Now go,” he said, turning away. Butler swallowed hard and leaned forward. Gabriel turned to him, confused. He looked like he was about to say something, but Butler didn’t give him the chance. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Gabriel’s slightly parted mouth. After a second, he pulled back and looked into Gabriel's eyes. The other man didn’t move—just stared at him intently, waiting to see what would happen next. Butler leaned in again, touching his lips to Gabriel’s—and this time, Gabriel slowly responded. It was a long but gentle, almost innocent kiss, where only their lips touched—and yet, Butler’s head spun even from such contact: from their mingled breaths, from the rare gliding movements of the other's tongue across his lips. Gabriel's breathing gradually deepened, and his hands came to rest on Butler's hips. Butler yielded to their guidance, pressing himself tightly against the other man's groin and feeling the hardness there. Smiling to himself, he lifted and abruptly lowered his hips, grinding his buttocks against the noticeable bulge in Gabriel's pants. The other man let out a muffled moan into his lips, deepening the kiss and pulling him closer. Butler trembled. Gabriel kissed a little clumsily, but with such intense feeling and insistence that Butler found it difficult to breathe, and the arousal was almost unbearable. He wrapped his arms around Gabriel's shoulders, kissed back as passionately as he could, and began to move his hips again—this time more deliberately, making his desire unmistakably clear. “I can't take much more of this,” Gabriel said, breaking off the kiss to press his lips against Butler’s neck. “God, you make me so horny...” Butler smiled, allowing himself to be bitten on the neck and arching his back suggestively under the caressing hands. Soon, he felt Gabriel’s fingers inside him again and moaned uncontrollably, meeting his movements. “Quiet, Phil, please,” Gabriel whispered, his voice trembling as he gently touched Butler’s cheek with his lips. Butler looked into his eyes, struggling to focus. “Then make me shut up.” Butler noted with satisfaction the darkened look in Gabriel’s eyes a moment before their lips met in a new kiss—deeper and more thrilling than the last. The pleasure was so intense that Butler didn't immediately notice when his pants, along with his underwear, were pulled down to his knees. He helped push his clothes down to his ankles while at the same time unzipping Gabriel’s pants. “Can I now?” Butler asked with a smile, not pulling away from Gabriel’s lips and inhaling the moan that escaped him. “Oh God, Phil...” Another kiss, the touch of their bare thighs—it all left his mind completely blank, filled with a single, overwhelming desire. Butler no longer cared if anyone was on the other side of the door; he wouldn't even care if someone knocked. He pressed himself as close to Gabriel as possible, lifting his hips, and Gabriel squeezed his buttocks, practically lowering him onto his cock. The sudden sound of the phone ringing nearby made them pull away from each other at the same moment and turn their heads toward it. For a moment, Butler stared at the ringing phone with no expression, the emptiness in his head slowly beginning to clear. He glanced uncertainly at Gabriel, who laughed and buried his face in Butler’s shoulder. “Told you there was a reason we shouldn’t be doing this here.” Butler gritted his teeth to keep from groaning in annoyance and clutched the fabric of Gabriel’s shirt sleeves. “Let's just screw everyone,” he whispered, pressing against Gabriel’s body. “Don't stop, please. You can't just do this to me when I want it so bad...” “Stop.” Gabriel tried to sound harsh, but there was a plea in his voice. With obvious reluctance, he pushed Butler back and turned away, hastily putting his clothes back in order. “Leave, please,” he said so softly that Butler could barely hear him. He had never seen Gabriel like this before—always so self-assured, without a hint of shame. Now he was avoiding eye contact and could barely speak, unable to control his emotions. When the initial shock passed, Butler smiled, with understanding and at the same time smugly. Who would have thought? It turns out you can be embarrassed too. He stood up, dressing quickly and keeping his eyes on Gabriel, who was still looking away as if he had lost all interest in him. But as soon as Butler spoke, he visibly shuddered. “I hope,” he said, waiting for Gabriel to look at him. Then, running his tongue suggestively over his lips, he added, “that you'll come to my place tonight.” For a moment, a painful regret flashed in Gabriel’s eyes before he turned away again, forcing a little smile. “Are you mocking me?” he said in a weak voice. “I'll be waiting,” Butler said, chuckling. Gabriel didn't say anything else, just bit his lip nervously. Then Butler decided it was really time to stop tormenting him—and himself. He left the office, quietly closing the door behind him and leaning against it. “Damn it, Gab, how can you do this to me,” he muttered, biting his lower lip until it hurt. He tried to distract himself, but it was no use—his mind kept replaying the recent words and actions. His lips started to burn again, and his pants felt too tight. This is bad, Butler thought. The last thing I need is for the watchmen to notice this. He took several deep breaths, slowly in and out, gradually calming down and almost returning to normal. Clearing his mind, he focused on behaving as usual—at least until he could be alone. Then he would try to understand himself. He had to endure until evening, when he was finally allowed to retreat to his room. Immediately, his thoughts drifted back to the events of the day as he tried to make sense of his feelings. But there was no clarity. One thing was certain, though—even now, the memory made his heart race, and a familiar heaviness settled in his lower abdomen, completely derailing any attempt at contemplation. So Butler decided to simply clear his head—and think of nothing at all. Standing by the bed, he slowly undressed, moving almost mechanically, just as he had every previous night when, upon returning here, he went straight to bed. But when he was down to just his shirt and underwear, he stopped and walked over to the mirror. As he looked at his reflection, he unbuttoned a few of the top buttons and pulled his collar down slightly, revealing a patch of his chest marked with the most prominent bite marks. Satisfied with what he saw, he returned to the bed and sat down, immediately feeling the cool touch of his bare legs against the sheets. What am I even doing? he thought. He pulled his collar back up and crossed his legs, suddenly feeling embarrassed for no reason. Well, that wasn't entirely true. He knew exactly why—and now he had plenty of time to blush over it. To distract himself, he tried to recall one of his last encounters with a woman. He realized he still remembered the feeling vividly. And yet, it didn’t compare to what he wanted now. What's wrong with me? When did I become like this? Such a drastic shift in his sexual preferences seemed odd, but Butler could rationalize it as a matter of habit. Whatever the reason, that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was the object of his desire. How could the same person who constantly inflicted pain on him also give him such incredible pleasure—and even arouse such longing? And that wasn’t the worst part. Troubling, suffocating thoughts swirled in Butler’s mind, making him feel as if he were sinking deeper and deeper into an icy darkness, with no hope of even a faint glimmer of light. This was the same heartless killer—the cold-blooded bastard for whom human life and feelings meant nothing. So why would Butler mean anything more to him? What’s more, Gabriel should especially hate him, as he was the living embodiment of everything Gabriel despised. But Gabriel’s behavior was confusing. Like it was today, and like it had been that night that still seemed like a fever dream to Butler. Now he thought that all this was just a temporary whim, and like the previous one, it wouldn’t last long. It was even possible that if Gabriel did come here this evening, he would behave as disgustingly as usual. It would be better that way. Because a little more of this and I… As he heard a soft creak, Butler turned his head toward the door. “You came after all,” he said with a weak smile, feeling a sense of satisfaction despite all the thoughts that had preceded this moment. Gabriel’s gaze instantly slid over his body, covered only by a half-unbuttoned shirt. Then he turned away, letting out a nervous laugh. “You know, I... I’m starting to not like this anymore.” “What exactly?” Butler stood up, taking a few steps forward and stopping about three feet from Gabriel. The other man flinched slightly without turning around. “That I can’t do without you,” he said softly. Butler felt a sharp pain constrict his heart, which was beating too fast. Gabriel suddenly forced a crooked smile. “If only I had known it would be like this, I would have listened to you at the very beginning.” “You couldn’t fight yourself back then either,” Butler retorted. “And I think you said it wasn’t a problem, since I’d always be around anyway. And I’m still here. Has anything changed now?” Gabriel finally looked at him, and for a second, surprise flickered in his troubled eyes—but then he smirked. “Don’t understand, do you? Well, that’s probably for the best.” Before Butler could ask what it all meant, Gabriel scanned him again from head to toe. The smirk on his lips turned painful. “Why are you dressed like that? Trying to seduce me?” Butler averted his gaze, feeling his cheeks flush. “You don't even have to do anything,” Gabriel continued in despair, never taking his eyes off Butler. “I think about you all the time anyway.” Still looking away, Butler chuckled. “How did you stand it, all this time?” “You have no idea how torturous it’s been,” Gabriel almost whispered. “Haha…” Butler laughed nervously, but soon fell silent. With a trembling smile and without looking up, he said, “You’re sure I have no idea?” “What?” Gabriel stared at him, puzzled—and it threw Butler into slight confusion. It seemed to him that everything he’d done today, up to this moment, had been screaming about his feelings. But apparently, Gabriel still hadn’t understood them. Although... what was he talking about? He had only just realized them himself. “Every night,” he said, forcing himself to meet the other man’s gaze—though it was difficult, given his agitation—“I hoped you’d come.” Gabriel was silent for quite a while, studying Butler as if trying to find the answer to his unasked questions in his eyes, his expression, or something else. “Why?” he finally asked—calmly, evenly, almost indifferently. “Who knows,” Butler laughed again, without a trace of mirth, looking away. “Maybe out of boredom?” After a pause, he added almost inaudibly, “But that hardly explains why I want to have sex with you.” Silence fell again, during which Butler couldn't take his eyes off the patch of floor beneath him. A nasty lump rose in his throat, and no matter how many times he swallowed, it remained—resonating in a noticeable tremor in his voice. “I don’t know why. I don’t know... It’s just... believe me, it’s true.” He heard approaching footsteps, and then he was enveloped in a strong embrace. Butler exhaled, immediately pressing closer and burying his nose in Gabriel’s neck, which made the other man flinch slightly. “It’s so strange,” Gabriel whispered, his hands slowly sliding from Butler’s back to his bare thighs and squeezing them—not hard, but just enough to take Butler’s breath away. “I still can’t believe you want me.” Then Butler pressed against him so that their crotches touched, wrapping his arms around Gabriel’s neck. “Can you feel this?” he whispered in the other man’s ear. “You can’t not feel it. So do you really think I could fake this?” He had barely finished the question when a soft groan escaped him—Gabriel had squeezed his buttocks and pulled him even closer. A kiss followed, hot and immediate, pressed against his slightly parted lips. This time, Butler responded without a second’s hesitation. Gabriel undid the last buttons on Butler's shirt and tossed it to the floor before pushing him onto the bed and falling on top of him, their lips still not parting. But when Butler’s underwear joined the shirt on the floor, he pulled back slightly and, smiling, reached for the buttons on Gabriel’s clothes. “It’s not fair that you’re still fully dressed,” he said. Gabriel smiled in return and pressed his lips to Butler’s again. “Can you help me?” he whispered, pulling him into another kiss. Butler’s hands trembled as he tried to undress Gabriel, his consciousness growing more clouded with every dizzying kiss and each insistent caress of Gabriel’s palms gliding over his torso. Finally, after completing his task, Butler ran his hands smoothly down Gabriel’s bare back, from shoulders to waist, feeling how the simple touch made the other man shudder deeply. “Phil…” Gabriel breathed his name with undisguised pleasure, pulling away from his lips and beginning to cover his neck and shoulders with soft kisses and playful bites. Moaning at every touch, Butler arched beneath him and held him tighter. But he soon had to loosen his grip when Gabriel sat up, reaching for the nightstand to retrieve the now familiar condom and lubricant. Butler spread his legs, settling more comfortably on the bed. From beneath half-closed eyes, he watched Gabriel’s hurried, impatient movements, catching glances charged with a strange, shiver-inducing spark. Gabriel had never looked at him like that before—and more than that, Butler felt no one had ever looked at him like that in his entire life. He was sure no one had ever kissed him so passionately, making the earth quite literally slip away from under his feet—no one had ever whispered his name in a way that sent shivers down his spine every time. And he never could have imagined that the sensation of another’s fingers caressing him from the inside could be such an overwhelming blend of pleasure and pain, almost bringing him to orgasm. Crossing his legs behind Gabriel’s back, Butler pulled him closer, needing to feel as much of his skin against his own as possible. He wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s neck, pressing lightly on the back of his head. Their lips met and parted again and again, the kisses growing shorter and more blurred by ragged breaths and muffled moans. When Gabriel buried his face in his neck, his body visibly trembling, Butler smiled and gently ran his palms across his shoulders. “You can’t take it anymore, can you? Come on… now’s the perfect time.” Gabriel lifted his head, his eyes slightly unfocused as they locked with Butler’s. “Are you sure you’re ready?” he asked softly. “Yes, yes,” Butler breathed, pulling him close again and whispering hotly into his ear, “please, Gab… I want you. I swear, I’ve never wanted anyone this much…” Gabriel inhaled sharply, gripping Butler’s thighs tightly—so tightly it hurt. Butler gritted his teeth, trying not to voice his discomfort, but a moment later, a sharp cry escaped him from a much stronger pain. He shut his eyes, instinctively throwing his head back and biting his lips. Despite Gabriel clearly showing as much care as he was capable of, the penetration had been too abrupt. Before Butler could collect himself or rein in his reactions, his breath caught at the weightless brush of lips on his skin. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Gabriel mumbled, scattering haphazard kisses across his face. “Of course I should’ve restrained myself. I’m sorry…” Butler didn't know what affected him more—Gabriel’s uncharacteristic tenderness, or the way he kept murmuring that word: sorry. Yet the pain gradually eased, fading with every kiss and every apology. Gabriel didn’t move; he simply held him and tried to soothe, though Butler could feel just how much he was holding back. A soft smile returned to his face as his palms slid down Gabriel’s back, lingering at his shoulder blades and lower back. “It’s okay, Gab… please, continue…” At the barely audible plea, Gabriel looked at him closely for a moment before leaning in to kiss him softly. “Call me that more often,” he murmured with a smile, pulling away slightly. Butler wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s neck, threading his fingers into his hair and drawing him close again. “If you want, I’ll always call you that… Gab.” The moment their lips met in a deep kiss, Gabriel began to move—slowly, cautiously—and once again, a piercing pain shot through Butler. A constricting, unpleasant sensation spread through his lower abdomen, but he stubbornly ignored it, pressing closer and kissing Gabriel insistently, almost fiercely, as if trying to pour all his feelings into that touch. The kiss soon broke, replaced by hurried, unrestrained brushes of lips and tongue against Butler’s neck and shoulders. He closed his eyes, a light, pleasant shiver running through him. Clinging to that sensation, he tried to focus only on it—hoping to drown out the pain or at least convince himself everything was fine. But the difference between their sounds was too stark; his moans were nothing like Gabriel’s. Then Gabriel suddenly froze. Butler turned away, sensing his gaze. “You’re in pain, aren’t you? Why are you silent?” Gabriel’s voice was thick with confusion and regret—again—but Butler had no answer. He only knew that he was willing to endure the pain just to be with this version of Gabriel, here and now, because being near him made things feel a little better. He didn’t want to think about the conflicting emotions between them, or what might come next, or what such a relationship might ultimately lead to. It was enough that Gabriel could ease something in him now. And Butler wanted to believe that, somehow, he could help heal Gabriel in return—even just a little. “Oh, of course,” Gabriel laughed dryly, resting his forehead against Butler’s shoulder. “I'm always indifferent, aren't I? You're used to it by now.” “No.” Butler shuddered, gripping Gabriel’s shoulders tightly. “It’s not that, I just…” He trailed off under Gabriel’s direct gaze, looking away for a moment before turning back with a slight smile. “I just want this right now. It’s okay, really. You don’t need to worry about me so much.” He leaned in to touch Gabriel’s lips—brief, repeated kisses—but Gabriel didn’t respond, still watching him with that same puzzled look. Then, unexpectedly, he smirked. Butler blinked, suddenly wary. “You just think I can't do better.” “What…” Butler’s question was cut short by his own cry. He bit his lip, but couldn’t suppress the muffled, pained moans as Gabriel began to thrust again, each time adjusting the angle. The intention behind it was obvious, but it only made the pain worse—so sharp now it was becoming hard to bear. Arching with another thrust, Butler whispered on an exhale, “Don't... stop...” Then his breath caught, and he arched again, this time moaning in a completely different tone. Gabriel immediately leaned down, pressing his lips to Butler’s neck. “Is that better?” “Once more,” Butler said weakly, feeling his cheeks flush for the first time during the entire encounter. Gabriel complied, and the sensation repeated itself—a blend of pain and pleasure, but somehow different from before. The pain was still sharp, and yet the pleasure laced through it made him crave even that pain. Gabriel raised his head, locking eyes with him. “I like your voice much better like that,” he remarked with a smirk. Butler said nothing, only pulled him closer by the neck and kissed those smirking lips. Wrapping his arms around Gabriel, he stroked his back, occasionally digging his nails lightly into the other man’s skin under the weight of overwhelming sensation. He peppered Gabriel’s cheeks, ears, and shoulders with hurried kisses—every patch of skin he could reach. He heard the tremble in Gabriel’s voice as he whispered compliments nonstop, listened to his increasingly loud moans, and felt the shudders coursing through his body. All of it excited him deeply. Yet he was still too far from feeling the same release, so he gently pressed on Gabriel’s shoulders, urging him back. Gabriel looked at him, puzzled, his eyes clouded with heat. Butler smiled. “Let's change positions a bit.” Gabriel barely had time to open his mouth, but it was too late to ask—Butler abruptly pushed him back, making him sit on the bed. Then he moved closer, placing his hands on Gabriel’s shoulders and positioning his knees on either side of the other’s hips. “Help me,” he whispered, leaning in to brush a soft kiss against Gabriel’s lips. Gabriel’s hands immediately settled on his hips, guiding him down slowly. The gradual penetration felt entirely different—so smooth and deliberate that Butler’s body trembled with anticipation, the pain retreating into the background. He groaned openly, arching his back, and Gabriel leaned forward in response. “I adore you…” Butler shuddered at the words, his already racing heart pounding even harder. Passionate kisses and bites traced his torso, and he melted into them, clinging tighter to Gabriel’s back. Their slow movements began to quicken; moans and breaths blended between kisses, tangled in the heat of constant contact, until they lost all control—completely surrendering to sensations neither had ever known before. Butler didn’t mind the madness. As long as he could feel like this, he was willing—at least for this moment—to forget everything else. When Gabriel held him tightly, shuddering with pleasure and biting his ear in an attempt to stifle a moan, Butler was overcome with the same tremor. Groaning deeply one last time, he buried his face in Gabriel’s neck, hugging him just as tightly in return. They stayed like that for a while, silent, catching their breath. Then Butler pulled back slightly. “Hey, did you really mean it just now?” he asked. “When you said you adored me?” Gabriel stared at him for a few seconds, his expression unreadable—then suddenly laughed and pulled Butler close again, kissing his lips. Butler yielded, not resisting when the other man pushed him back onto the bed, continuing to kiss him so tenderly and gently that no other answer was needed. “Stop,” Butler laughed, feeling kisses trail along his neck and shoulders. “At this rate, I'll literally melt away.” Gabriel snorted but stopped anyway—though he didn’t let go of him. Butler could still feel his warm breath on his skin. He closed his eyes, exhaling and finally relaxing. For the first time in these arms, he allowed himself to do so. “What do you want, Phil?” That question snapped Butler out of his blissful peace, a cold, unpleasant sensation creeping up his spine. It reached his neck and settled like a lump in his throat. He remembered the look—cold, angry eyes, a smile that didn’t match them—and that question: What are you trying to achieve? “You’re at it again,” Butler said, swallowing hard and trying to keep his voice steady. “Do you still think I’m plotting something against you?” Gabriel leaned over and looked into his eyes. Then he smiled—and that smile instantly made Butler feel lighter. “No. I’m saying that right now, you can make a wish. And I…” He paused, as if doubting himself, but then finished with quiet conviction, “will try to fulfill it.” Butler stared at him, wide-eyed, barely able to believe what he’d just heard. “Heh, is that so,” he managed, letting out a short laugh. He turned away, considering the unexpected offer, then looked back at Gabriel and smirked. “So, I can really wish for anything?” he asked. “Within reason, of course. If, for example, you asked me to set you free, I wouldn’t be able to do that.” Then there aren’t that many options left, Butler thought. “Well, can I make a phone call?” he asked. Gabriel frowned. “To whom?” “To loved ones—who else?” Gabriel didn't answer. He sat on the bed next to Butler, drawing his knees up, his face clearly uncertain. “Look, I haven't spoken to them in a very long time,” Butler said, trying to ease his doubts. “I'd at least like to know if they're alright—but from them directly, not from you.” The corners of Gabriel’s lips twitched upward slightly, forming a barely noticeable smile. “Don’t they tell you that in their letters?” “What?” Butler stared at him in shock, then looked away. “How long have you known?” “From the very beginning, I think.” An awkward silence fell, soon broken by Gabriel’s quiet laughter. “Thought I’d be angry?” “Well,” Butler chuckled hesitantly, “I certainly didn’t expect such a calm reaction.” “You reading those letters doesn’t bother me at all,” Gabriel explained. “And besides, if I’d deprived you of even that, you’d have gone mad from the uncertainty by now.” Butler silently processed what he had heard, inwardly marveling at the fact that all this time, he was apparently understood much better than he’d thought. “Yes, it helped a lot,” he finally said. “But it’s still not enough. They still know nothing about me. I'm sure they're worried—and it's unlikely they were reassured by the story you spun about me being busy.” “Ah, yes,” Gabriel smiled. “I couldn't come up with anything better. Sorry I didn't even tell you about it.” “What’s the point in saying that now,” Butler replied, his tone softening involuntarily. He looked up at the ceiling, and after a long silence, he spoke: “Anyway, I haven’t heard from them in so long that I feel like I’m even forgetting their voices. It’s hard for me to keep going like this.” He paused, then added, “But you probably don’t understand those feelings.” Out of the corner of his eye, Butler saw Gabriel’s face suddenly darken. “Oh—sorry,” he said quickly. “On the contrary, you should understand this better than anyone.” Gabriel lowered his gaze. “Yes, I understand. But… your request isn’t that simple.” “What problems could there be?” Butler rolled onto his side, turning fully toward the other man. “If you're worried I’ll slip up, you can listen in on the conversation and make sure I don’t.” “Of course I can,” Gabriel replied with a faint smile. “But that won’t help me control your voice.” “My voice?” “Exactly. They’ll know you’re not alright the moment they hear you speak.” Butler scoffed. “Big deal. I’ll just blame it on exhaustion. What can you even tell from a voice?” But Gabriel only shook his head. “You might not realize it,” he said quietly, “but you’ve changed a lot from how you used to be. If even I can tell, those who know you better will understand even more.” Butler wanted to argue, but he knew it was the absolute truth. For most of the time he’d been imprisoned in this place, he had been exactly as Gabriel described—a pale shadow he watched in the mirror with horror, not recognizing himself. But now, he felt different. It was as if parts of his personality he thought were lost forever were gradually returning, and even hope was beginning to take root. “What if I talk to them as if everything's fine?” he suggested. “Like before?” “Can you really do that?” Gabriel scoffed, his entire demeanor radiating doubt. Butler smiled in response. “What do you think? Look at me. Don't I resemble my old self now?” Gabriel looked at him—his gaze, initially surprised, gradually softened with a warmth Butler had never seen in his eyes before. “You do. A lot.” He leaned down and kissed Butler. Butler immediately turned, lying back on the bed, and pulled Gabriel closer, wrapping his arms around him. The insistent but gentle touches of Gabriel’s lips warmed him from the inside—and yet, his body trembled, as if from cold. He had to take frequent breaths, struggling to breathe through the frantic pounding of his own heart. “Alright, have it your way,” Gabriel said, pulling back and hugging Butler, pressing his nose to his temple. “Tomorrow you can make the call. And… I hope you manage to do everything right.” Still confused by these new, not entirely understood feelings, Butler couldn’t help but smirk. “You don’t have to worry. I always do everything right.” Gabriel looked at him—and suddenly a laugh escaped his lips. Then a second, a third, until he was laughing nonstop, covering Butler’s cheeks and neck with quick kisses. Butler laughed too, squirming under the weight of Gabriel’s body, but trailed off when the kisses became longer and more sensual. Familiar shivers ran down his spine, and he tightened his grip on Gabriel’s back. “Wait, you’re not going to… Haha, what are you doing? I don’t have any more energy for that.” “I told you,” the other man whispered on an exhale, his lips pressed to Butler’s ear, “I missed you a lot.” Butler swallowed, feeling tears well up in his eyes. “Me too,” he admitted barely audibly, wrapping his arms around Gabriel’s neck. But Gabriel immediately pulled back slightly. Butler smiled, looking into his still-distrustful eyes. “Do you believe me?” Instead of answering, Gabriel covered Butler’s lips with his own again. Then came many more kisses, touches, soft moans, and sweet words—Butler didn’t remember them all, but his heart skipped a beat with each one. And after everything, his strength finally left him—as well as the anxious thoughts lurking in the back of his mind. He knew both would return later, inevitably, but for now he could simply close his eyes and fall into an amazingly peaceful sleep. Gabriel didn’t rush to leave. He sat beside him, watching Butler’s peaceful face for a long time. Then he lowered his gaze to Butler’s body and immediately pulled up the blanket, covering the bright marks from the bites. Leaning down, he touched Butler’s forehead with his lips. “Do you even realize what you’re doing to me?” he whispered. Butler stirred slightly but didn’t wake. Gabriel smiled, looked at him one last time, then got up and silently left the room. He returned to his own quarters, and his face darkened again. Approaching the bedside table, he froze, staring intently at an old photograph placed in an intricately crafted frame, facing the head of the bed. He reached out, touching three of the four figures depicted in it, one after the other. “I remember what I have to do. Dad, Mom, Liz… I swear, I’ll see this through to the end.” For the first time in years, he needed to say that oath aloud—as a reminder to himself. This time, though, it tasted like repulsive bitterness on his tongue.