Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Edelgard felt herself come to but she kept her eyes closed, snuggling into Hubert. She felt incredibly groggy and didn't want to move, but she knew she'd have to eventually. The sleep elixir had really knocked her out pretty heavily and she hadn't once woken during the night. Even if Hubert would've gotten up at any point, she wouldn't have felt him. She had at least gotten the long slumber that her body obviously needed. She always hated when she didn't sleep like that... Too many nights of lost sleep made her irritable and made her brain fog far worse. She felt Hubert's arms around her give her a gentle squeeze, but her only response was to snuggle in closer to him. She wasn't the biggest fan of the sleep elixirs but they were definitely necessary sometimes. They sadly didn't keep the nightmares at bay in any shape, way, or form, but Hubert was there for her, so she didn't have to worry about them bothering her. Eventually, though, she opened her eyes and rolled over a bit so she could look up at Hubert. "What time is it...?" Those things tended to really knock her out into the next day. "It's after sunrise at least." His voice was quiet and she nodded, sitting up to look at the curtains. She really didn't want to move though. She was starting to feel warm and comfortable with him in the mornings. She laid back down and nuzzled into him, his arms wrapping around her again. "Would you like to stay here for a little while?" "Yeah... I'm still really groggy..." Sleep elixirs tended to not mix with her very well at all. They left her groggy and feeling sluggish for the majority of the day and she could tell today would be no exception. But she didn't want to get them too off their trajectory, so she would accept it for what it was. She would at least have the mental faculties to keep up with him better in the games, assuming he wanted to do that today. It would help keep both of them mentally active while not overdoing it with physical activity. She wouldn't be up to much anyway. The sluggishness was mostly physical so she wouldn't feel like being super active physically today. Maybe tomorrow they could do something active… She felt him run a hand through her hair and she rested her head against his chest. "So anything in particular you want to do today? We could just go back to playing games..." She was still trying to honor his request. She wasn't going to push him into any physical activity. At least yesterday had been fairly lowkey and not anything intensive... She hoped he felt more rested after really not doing anything but reading to her for the day. "That sounds fine with me. Though with how you usually feel after sleep elixirs...will you be up to doing that?" "For the most part, the sluggishness is physical, not mental. I'll be fine as long as we don't do anything particularly physical today." Playing games really didn't require much physical activity. "We might just want to stay in here today though... Even sitting up like that for too long tends to wear on me afterward." She was glad she'd never taken one at Garreg Mach. She would've been in awful shape had she been forced to do that. She would've been slumped over her desk, half laying, because she was so drained physically. Those elixirs were strong and not to be used lightly especially with how they affected her. "All right. We can do that. Would you like me to grab some of the chess books so I can start teaching you strategies?" She tucked her head under his chin and gave a slight nod. She wanted to learn what all he was doing. She could tell he was using pre-designated strategies while she was chaining together random moves that didn't really mean anything. She wanted to start learning how things moved together. She could see that it was like a battle with each piece having its strengths and weaknesses, but understanding how to move them was the major challenge for her. Honestly, it sounded like they could spend weeks just on chess. "All right. How about I go get us breakfast and search the library? Is there anything in particular you might like?" "Some orange hibiscus tea honestly sounds good right now..." She was craving it out of the blue. Him offering that made her want to have some. She hadn't had anything but water and the lavender tea for quite a while, so something to change it up sounded quite good. She really loved the dried orange pieces mixed with hibiscus flowers... It was a really good combination to her. "I'll do that then. I'll be back in a bit." He kissed her head and let go of her. She shifted to sit up against the pillows, her head spinning a little bit from the after effects of the sleep elixir. But it passed after a few minutes by which time Hubert was gone. She looked over and saw a stack of the books Juilane had her bring right within reach. Hubert had apparently anticipated this... But he did know how it affected her, so she supposed it only made sense. She grabbed one of them and settled in, slowly flipping through the pages as she read. She did feel her cheeks heat up over the material present, but she had no reason to not read the books. She needed to keep moving forward with this… Eventually, she heard the door open and Hubert came in with a servant that carried a folding table and the games while Hubert carried the tray with the food. The servant put the table down and got everything situated before leaving. Hubert settled next to her and offered her breakfast. She remained against the pillows while she ate, not wanting to send her head spinning again. After they finished eating, he settled next to her and opened one of the chess books, starting to explain the beginner's strategies to her. Interesting. There were set strategies for opening. She hadn't really expected that. As he continued to read the books and explain them to her, she started to understand better. Her head still felt heavy but she was definitely understanding. She asked questions where she could think of them and he explained which definitely helped her understand what was going on better. She had always known chess was a complex game, but she hadn't expected it to be this complex. She was definitely enjoying the games with far less need for intense strategy. Still, she was one to want to learn things simply because she could learn them. That went on for several hours until he took out the chess board. "Would you like to try to put it to the test? I'll go easy on you." She hated it when people went easy on her, but in this case, it was the best way for her to learn. Him playing at his incredibly high level versus her absolute beginner understanding would just be a recipe for disaster. She'd end up even more frustrated and discouraged and never want to touch the game again. She nodded. "Let's try it." She wasn't sure how well learning a handful of strategies in a couple of hours from books would work for her, but she wanted to at least try. She took one of the pillows and held onto it, laying down carefully in front of the chess board. Her head spun again and she closed her eyes, laying her head down on the pillow. The episode passed after a few minutes and she opened her eyes again. "Okay, let's try it. I'm fine." She simply responded that way if she moved too fast after having taken a sleep elixir. Hubert laid the board out and he went first, giving her time to think about her move. She thought long and hard before going. She could tell from his movements he was going extremely easy on her but she was actually managing to counter him from time to time. Each small victory made her smile and she actually felt good about it. Unfortunately, she still lost in the end after the extended match. She considered each option carefully but she was still failing to see everything moving in tandem to the extent he was. But still... She had actually made some palpable progress. Hubert leaned down and tilted her head up very slowly, placing a soft, sweet kiss on her lips. "You're learning and I commend you for that. You've come leaps and bounds after only hearing strategies from books. You really are remarkable when it comes to how quickly you learn." She flushed a bit at his praise, but didn't pull away from his touch. "I still have a long way to go though... If I can't beat you at this low a level, I still have a lot to learn. But seeing my progress did feel good." She wasn't necessarily having fun with it, but seeing her progress always left her satisfied. She liked applying what she learned and enjoyed seeing her progress. "Do you think we could study some more strategies?" She really did want to learn. Even if this skill was relatively useless, she wanted to learn. She really did enjoy learning simply for the sake of it. "Very well. Though we may want to consider getting some lunch soon. Between the earlier strategy session and that match, it's a bit late in the afternoon." She wasn't quite sure when she'd slept until, but probably about eight or nine... So she nodded and forced herself to sit up, her head spinning once again. She felt him put his hands on her shoulders and she rested against him. "Easy, my... Edelgard. You don't need to push yourself so much." "I'm just sitting up... I don't want to take five minutes to shift position." She really, really hated taking so long to shift positions. She could deal with the dizziness for a few minutes following. Still, she rested against the pillows in a half sitting, half reclining position. She was fairly comfortable and felt fine aside from the heaviness which would last until tomorrow. She was mentally aware enough to be cognizant of everything. Though... Right. She frowned. "With me struggling to move without feeling dizzy...we might have to skip the bath again." Even sitting up was difficult for her so moving around that much might prove dangerous. She might slip and hit her head or something. "Hm, a valid point. And there's not much I can do to help with the dizziness... I'm no healer. You know my strength is combat magic." She nodded. "I'm not blaming you. I just thought about it." She was putting them behind another day, but there wasn't much she could do about it. As long as she remained relaxed, though, she could take care of herself... The thought made her cheeks flush and she rested her head against Hubert's arm. That was still flustering beyond words, but she wasn't afraid of it anymore at least. Just...incredibly flustered. At least they hadn't been doing much the past few days, so it wasn't like she'd accumulated grime and sweat she had to wash off. "I wish I could help more. It's hard seeing you suffer like this." His tone was a little quieter than normal, revealing his vulnerability. She nuzzled her cheek against his arm slowly and carefully. "It's all right. Like I said, I'm not blaming you. I just have a bad reaction to sleep elixirs the day after. I'll be fine tomorrow. I promise." She took his hand and interlaced their fingers, squeezing gently. She hadn't known that seeing her like this affected him so much. She rarely took them, but she definitely remembered how they affected her. It was hard to entirely forget the sheer dizziness that came with this particular side effect. She hoped that he'd forgive himself for it... He had suggested it, but she had agreed and taken it. There had been no coercion in there at any point. "I know, but it's still hard." He ran his free hand down the side of her face and she saw the sorrow in his eyes. He had said he'd have trouble showing her his human side but...he really wasn't. He was showing her more than she could ever really remember seeing in her entire life. This sort of vulnerability never would've happened even just a few weeks ago. She was glad to see it, but it still felt strange all the same. She wouldn't tell him to stop though... She wanted to be let into his world even if it was strange and difficult. She squeezed his hand again and laid her head back on the pillows. "Would you mind going to get lunch or tell a servant to get it?" She didn't want to invalidate his feelings but...she wasn't really sure what to say. Even after Garreg Mach, she didn't know how to handle people very well at all. And handling Hubert's vulnerabilities was something far outside of her narrow scope of interaction with others. "Yes, I will." He left the room for a few minutes, then came back. "Until then..." He picked up one of the chess books and started reading to her again. He laid down so she could rest against him and she rested her head against his shoulder, looking at the diagrams in the books as well. Those were actually pretty helpful. She might have to sit and copy them one day into a journal specifically for chess... Being able to summarise things in her own words often helped her learn a lot better than simply hearing somebody else talk. She wasn't much a fan of studying dry books like these, but they were often sometimes the best books to look at. Lunch came and she sat up enough to eat, her head spinning ever so slightly as she adjusted her position. Hubert rested a hand against her shoulder again, obviously trying to help her stabilise. She hated that she got so dizzy after sleep elixirs, but there wasn't much she could do about it. Lunch was a fairly quiet affair since neither of them really had anything to say. Well... She actually did have one thing to ask. "After dinner, I still probably should, well..." She still hated using the word for it for some reason. The entire topic was still mortifying for her to discuss with anybody else. She saw Hubert nod. "All right. I'll pretend like nothing is happening again." That was all she needed for confirmation to proceed with what was going to happen. At least she wasn't scared shitless of it anymore. Still mortified, still flustered, still embarrassed, but not afraid. She still wasn't ready for any sort of penetration or anything yet... Maybe in due time, but for now, she wasn't going to attempt it. It still scared her more than anything. She knew she'd have to face it eventually and preferably before she and Hubert got to the point they actually had sex... That being her first experience with penetration would be very bad. It might scare her so badly that she never wanted to have sex again. So she would have to face it eventually... "Thank you for everything, Hubert. I really do appreciate it." She tugged him down to her level and kissed his cheek which earned a slight flush from him. "I do it because it's my duty." Some part of her really doubted that... With as bashful as he was being, she was starting to get the sense there was something more there. She constantly thanked him for everything he did. Granted, she'd never been this affectionate with him in the past, but still... She was getting the sense there was something more to his behavior. What it was, she couldn't be entirely sure about. But she was really getting the sense there was more to this than he was letting on. After they finished eating, he handed the tray off to a servant and he came back to start reading to her again for a little while. She really wished she could take notes, but she would have to wait until she didn't get dizzy every five minutes simply from shifting the position of her head. She would have to study these books in greater depth on her own. Eventually, though, he helped her lay back down in front of the chess board and they entered another extended match. Again, she could see herself starting to piece together things a little more than last time. The strategies were there. But the books had taught her that she also had to try to figure out what strategies her opponent was using. Right now, it was enough to just keep track of what she was doing, let alone trying to predict Hubert. She had only  the barest understanding of chess strategies, so she couldn't try to predict him at all. She was at least doing better than last time, though. She could see and feel the uptick in her own plays even if it wasn't by much. She lost again which left her sighing. Hubert put a hand on her head and gently petted it. "You'll get it in time, my-- Edelgard. I can already see improvements over our last match. It's slow going, but you'll probably be a force to be reckoned with if you can stick with it. You're smart; you'll get it in due time." She sighed. "I know I am, but it's still frustrating to have loss after loss." At least she was markedly improving though. She really just wanted to have a win. That was apparently too much to ask for, though. She was trying her best, but it wasn't good enough. She would study those books in depth once she stopped feeling this way though. She really did want to best him one day even if it took time. She would probably never be to his level, but if she could get even one win over him, she would take it even if he was purposely going easy on her. "Would you like to play mancala now?" She nodded. Two extended matches was more than enough for her today. He swapped out the boards and they started the much simpler game. Once again, she could tell he was going easy on her with how much she was winning, but it was probably to just let her have some feeling of satisfaction after the two losses. Chess was a crazy deep game and she had no real idea how to approach it other than looking at the diagrams and studying the books. Though she did get thinking. "I know this is probably a strange request, but do you think you could walk me through how to win a couple of chess matches based on moves I make? It might help me understand how things work better and to see strategies where I wasn't able to before. You can point out how different pieces might move and how you'd counter them. Do you think that'd work?" She knew she was asking him to intentionally throw the game, but he was doing that anyway with all of the games they were playing. He had a ridiculously high skill level in all of the games and with her being such a newbie, she really had no idea what she was doing. Whenever he lost, he was throwing it for her sake. "Hm, I didn't consider that. It might be worth trying. A lot of chess is understanding your opponent's mind and figuring out what moves they'll make to counter yours. Learning strategies can only go so far sometimes... Understanding how a chess player thinks is probably a good idea. I'll still be playing at my lowest possible level, of course. But if you think it might work, it could be worth a shot." She shrugged. "Don't know if we don't try. I'm not a chess player, so I don't understand how they think. It would be really helpful in understanding how you work through things. And if there are like ten options, keep it to, like, three. I know there are a lot of possibilities in chess, but I need it to be simpler before I can get into anything more advanced." Yes, she was smart, but overwhelming her with options wouldn't do any good just like it was tossing her into the water to learn to swim. She would drown if she was given too much to choose from. She could dither and be indecisive if overwhelmed in a situation like that. She was trying to learn basics right now, not go overboard and overwhelm herself. "I can do that. Keep in mind everything will be changing each and every move, so it'll take time. One match might take the whole morning in that particular context if you don't mind that." "We can always break it up too. We can do an hour then take a break for like twenty minutes, then come back." She was one to bullheadedly charge into situations and stick to them until she figured it out, but in this case, that wouldn't do her any good. Taking breaks to mentally refresh herself if she got too overwhelmed would be important. "Then if we don't finish in the morning, we can come back in the evening." She was bound and determined to learn this. She wasn't enjoying it, but the mental challenge would help keep her mentally spry while she was away from court. She relished a challenge even if she didn't enjoy the task itself. "That's probably a good idea. We can take as much time as needed on one match. We're here for an indeterminate amount of time; we have the time to spare," he agreed. She was glad. She really was trying to get this, but it wasn't going to be quick nor easy. At least games like mancala and senet were more easily understood and adapted to. She enjoyed the simplicity of mancala but the depth of strategy that it offered. It was a lot easier to keep up with than chess since it was just moving glass beads and trying to get as many as possible to win. Eventually, the day wound down and the sun began to lower on the horizon. He packed up the game board and put it on the table. "By the way, Hubert, do you think you'll need another day or two after this?" She didn't want to push him too much. If he needed to rest more, she would let him. Chess could consume their entire day if they let it. It was a mental challenge for her, so she wasn't averse to immersing herself in it while he recovered. Though she would be craving physical activity again soon enough… "I think if we take it easy on the physical activity for a few more days, I'll be fully recovered. So if you wanted to do an hour of combat practice here and there through the day, we could. Perhaps we could wake up, have breakfast  and do a couple hours of chess, then spar, have lunch, do your magic lessons, spar again, some more chess, and similar... Or maybe even go for a short walk around the property instead of sparring..." He paused. "Does...that sound okay to you?" She nodded. "We can break it up. That's fine." She smiled at him. "We're a team now, so we have to try to meet halfway, right?" Compromise was going to be an important part of their relationship. In some ways, they were opposites. Hubert was far more of an inside homebody than she was. She preferred to be physically active whenever possible while he would rather be holed up in his room, practicing magic or doing whatever else it was he did. She really didn't know what he did with his free time. Did he have hobbies other than flushing out people's secrets?   "I suppose we do. But after a few more days, we ought to be able to do more physical activity like you so enjoy." He petted her head again and she smiled up at him. Despite his general reluctance to not try this, it seemed like he was doing a fairly good job... He was voicing his wants and needs fairly well despite him believing he wouldn't be able to do so. If they could keep this up, they would probably be able to handle things fairly well... Even though it hadn't been that long, she was honestly hopeful of their future together. She wasn't sure if romance would be in the stars or not, but she at least did see the care, comfort, and support that they each needed.   "Anyway, it is about dinner time..." She shifted to sit up, the dizziness striking once again though it wasn't as bad as it'd been earlier. She was at least getting over the worst of the after effects of the sleep elixir. Still, she wasn't exactly safe to go into the bath with how much she would need to shift position. Heaven forbid she slip under the water and drown. She shivered a little at the thought. She had never been taught to swim after that encounter with the ocean. She simply didn't like deep bodies of water after seeing the ocean late at night and how immense and deep it seemed when illuminated only by lanterns.   Hubert flagged down a servant and told him to bring them some dinner, then he settled next to her, pulling her against his side. "Honestly, this has been a lot...nicer than I thought it'd be." He ran his hand through her hair and she leaned into it. She just really liked when people petted her head like this. It felt so nice.   She nodded her agreement. "I think we might have a promising future together if we can keep things like this..." She really did. Still, it was a bit surprising to hear Hubert admit it. No matter what, they would be together. He would always be by her side which she was grateful for. She was still afraid of being pregnant and bearing children, but she knew she'd have his support as long as he drew breath. He would never be disloyal to her. He had never given her reason to believe he would be and now this just sealed the deal.   He was quiet and she looked up at him. He obviously didn't believe what she'd said but he probably didn't want to upset her. So she nuzzled her cheek against his shoulder, trying to comfort him. She hoped he'd voice his concerns eventually, but he was so used to shoving everything down and never talking to her about anything. Hopefully that'd change in due time.   Dinner arrived and they ate quietly, the earlier conversation diffused due to whatever Hubert had buried. After they'd sent their dishes away, she pulled him closer and kissed his cheek. "You can talk to me about anything now, Hubert. I won't judge you. I promise. I want to hear what you have to think." Her words were gentle, but she could see he was ill at ease.   "It's just...hard. I'm not used to talking to anybody about anything." His voice barely reached her ears despite how close she was. She figured that was the case, but still... Hopefully they would be able to get past it in due time. Their relationship was still taking shape. She would remind him gently but it would ultimately be up to him how much they talked about things. She hoped that it would be open and honest as possible one day, but she knew people had their limits. She wouldn't fault him if he never did talk to her, but she was trying to get him to do so...   "I get it. But I am here for you just as you're here for me." She smiled at him and he tentatively turned his eyes toward her. He cupped one of her cheeks and kissed her head.   "I do appreciate it. It's just getting to act on that will be difficult..." She nodded and rested her head against his chest. She wouldn't blame him too much. His needs had always been auxiliary to hers in every shape, way, and form at every point in her life. To suddenly be told to go against a lifetime of conditioning... It had to be a struggle. She hoped that he would feel comfortable talking to her in due time. But only time would tell. "Anyway, it's about that time..."   She felt her cheeks flush and she nodded. "Yeah..." Her voice was a little quiet. There was really no point in putting off what was inevitable. Hubert kissed her head again and picked up the chess board, then went over to the desk with his books. Edelgard took in a breath then let it out, feeling a bit of anxiety rise in her chest. Apparently she wasn't completely over the anxiety but it at least wasn't as crippling as it was last time. She knew how to handle it and what to expect this time. It wasn't anything to truly be afraid of in the end. She still had a long way to go until she was ready for any sort of penetration, but this was one step in the right direction. She did pick up the second book she'd started and flicked through some of the pages, her cheeks slightly pink. This was still incredibly flustering for her to deal with. But she at least did know it felt good like the books said it would. It was nothing ground shattering, but she had enjoyed it. She saw why people could sometimes do this multiple times a day to get some sort of satisfaction. She would probably never really overdo it, but who knew where it would take her. Especially if her and Hubert ended up only having it in order to procreate. It wasn't like it was a strong desire to do but... Again, who knew. She was exploring this so she didn't have some sort of anxiety attack the first time she and Hubert did have sex. She didn't particularly see anything that caught her attention in the couple of new chapters she skimmed, so she sat the book to the side and shifted into a comfortable position. She slid her underwear off and her nightgown up. One hand wandered down to between her legs and she gently rubbed, shivering from the still somewhat alien sensation. Again, she could begin to understand why people enjoyed this. Her father and his various women had apparently had plenty of sex just because they enjoyed it... Still not a thought she was particularly enthused about having, but it was just a reality that existed. Though she did frown a little bit as she thought about what she'd done yesterday. With the dizziness from the sleep elixir, grinding like that would probably cause her to be incredibly light headed especially since it did take a couple of minutes to do... A bit more pressure somehow to reduce the severity of the grinding would probably be good... She just had to be careful not to hurt herself. More pressure would come from helping having something with a bit more surface area being able to press along… She looked at her hand. That...was probably the best option here. She crossed her legs and faffed around for a minute to find a good angle and shivered a bit when she found what she was pretty sure the angle she'd been at yesterday, then slipped her fingers along the length of her lips. She gently ground and a soft noise escaped her lips. Oh, that was honestly a fair bit better than yesterday. She didn't have to press down much, but the increased pressure was definitely noticeable. It felt a lot better than yesterday had. She started to press against and grind, her whole body shaking. Yeah, this...this was actually pretty nice. She had never really felt anything quite like this before. Her breath quickened a little bit as she rubbed, eyes shutting as she melted into it completely. It didn't take long for her to get pushed over entirely and she shuddered. Her head fell back against the pillows and spun much to her frustration, robbing her of the majority of the pleasure. Damn it... She maybe should've waited until tomorrow, but after that experience... She at least had ideas on how to vary it a bit… There was a handkerchief in the bedside table and she retrieved it, ignoring her spinning head while she adjusted positions. She wiped her hand off and slid her underwear back on, resting against the pillows until the dizzy spell passed. Though she really probably should wash her hands after that... She gave herself a few more minutes until the spell fully passed. "Hubert, could you help me get to the bathroom?" Thankfully, he practically appeared right next to her and helped her stand up.She rested her head against his shoulder, the spell only getting worse from how many times it'd been triggered. "My-- Edelgard, you're pushing yourself..." His tone was quiet, just pointing out what she was doing. She sighed. Yeah, she was, but... Thankfully, he didn't try to stop her so he helped her walk to the bathroom while the slight dizziness remained. She managed to wash her hands, then went back to the bed, her head still spinning. He climbed up next to her and petted her head. She had a feeling this wasn't going to let up until she went to sleep. She'd simply triggered the dizzy spells too much in too short a time. She simply remained there for a little while, Hubert running his hand through her hair. "You said you wouldn't push yourself today but you did..." he chided gently. She hadn't entirely planned this through, so it wasn't like she knew what was going to happen. Honestly, though, it was kinda worth it... The experience had been even better than the previous night. Eventually, though, he did get out of bed for a minute to go tell a servant to bring her some lavender tea. "Honestly, this isn't horrible..." she muttered to Hubert, her head still spinning ever so slightly. "That...is a relief to hear but please rest until we go to sleep. I don't think now is the time to talk." She huffed a little but gave a tiny nod. She couldn't argue with him too much with how dizzy she was. She honestly doubted she even had it in her to write in her journals like she did every night. It was hard enough to simply stay laying down like this without wanting to wretch everything in her stomach up. Eventually, the tea got here and she sat up to sip at it, though her stomach was rejecting it. "Yeah... Not happening tonight." She was sad. She really enjoyed the lavender tea as a part of her nightly routine. Even the light floral flavor was enough to upset her stomach. "Very well. I'll take care of it in the morning. For now, why don't we curl up for the night? I know it's still early but..." She nodded a bit. She kind of just wanted today to end. Hubert blew out the lantern and they curled up. It took her a while to fall asleep, but she eventually did and welcomed slumber like an old friend.