Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Edelgard found where Hubert had set up the table with the games in one of the courtyards and settled in the chair opposite him. "Are you all right? Your cheeks are red," he observed, voice soft. She felt them heat up even further but nodded. "Yeah... I talked to Mother Augusta about... Well. Masturbation and got some advice on it." She felt weird being this blunt about it. She had never used the word really before in her life. She knew it was a thing thanks to the talks Juliane had given her, but that was about it. Until she'd read that book, at least. She still felt mortified she was considering it. But she could see the benefit now… "Ah, so have you reconsidered your earlier stance?" There was no judgment from Hubert, just a question. Even so, she couldn't help but feel her cheeks heat up even further. This entire conversation was beyond mortifying. But she wanted to be open and honest with him in every matter where possible. Open communication was key to any relationship. She still didn't like having these conversations, though... She was uncomfortable at absolute best. But they were working toward it, so she had no real choice. She tucked some hair behind her ear and nodded. "So I would like some alone time whenever we figure it would be best for both of us..." She had to at least give it a try... Some sort of sexual experience before she went into the full event was probably a good idea even though it scared her... But she would be in complete control, so she didn't have to fear anybody doing anything to hurt her. Not that Hubert would try to hurt her but...things could still possibly go wrong if she didn't know what she was doing. Which she really didn't. "Well, there's always the time between when we'll finish dinner but before we go to the bath... That might be the best time slot for it. I can easily keep myself busy what with the library. It may not be as big as the normal Imperial library but there are still plenty of books. Plus, I could come up with a magic curriculum for you based on how things went at Garreg Mach. Does that sound like a good compromise? It'll give you plenty of time to explore." She was pretty sure her cheeks were as red as they could get, but she looked down and nodded, though that did remind her. "Did you pick up any of the books from--" "Yes. We can spend a bit of time on magic before we go back to the games. Forgive me for not mentioning it earlier." He motioned to the couple of books he'd brought with him, sitting on the table next to the game boards. She wasn't trying to distract from the topic at hand; she simply didn't want to forget about her magic lessons for the day. She moved her chair around to the other side of the table and he opened the books, having more or less read her mind. She was thankful he wasn't putting too much attention on the entire masturbation issue. He was just treating it as another fact of life. Even though it left her incredibly uncomfortable. She would need to get into those other books, though... She would have a few hours to herself each night, so it would let her do what she wanted. Thankfully, the magic lessons proved a soothing balm for her anxiety since it turned her mind away from the talk of sex and procreation. She still was not looking forward to getting pregnant and having kids. But she was glad that Hubert was being so patient with her. She wouldn't be able to survive this without his gentleness and warmth. The coercion left such a bad taste in her mouth, but she had no real choice. She supposed she could bypass it and try to find a female consort, but that would take time, time the advisers wouldn't want her to take. So it was best to just buckle down and do things this way. As they finished up the magic session, he put a hand on her cheek and tilted her head up, placing a soft kiss on her lips that was surprisingly sweet. She felt her cheeks heat up a little bit and she saw Hubert's amused smile. "I just wanted to show some affection. Isn't that what we agreed to for this?" She nodded and fiddled with her hands in her lap. "Y-Yeah... I just wasn't expecting it is all..." It was warm and sweet... She wasn't against it by any means; she just hadn't expected it. "It's fine. I'm not upset. I promise." She didn't want this to potentially deter him from doing it in the future. She had done it to him already to show some comfort when he was flustered. She knew kisses could convey emotion, but he was being legitimately warm and kind. He kissed her forehead and smiled at her, genuinely. "Would you like to pick up mancala again then?" She nodded and went back to her previous position, dragging her chair along with her. She relaxed in as they played the game and she could tell Hubert was going easy on her with how he was playing. But right now...she honestly didn't mind. After the discussion with Augusta, she needed something legitimately fun. Magic just helped her challenge herself mentally and expand her skillset. She enjoyed learning for the sake of it, but even so...mancala was actually fun for her. However, as they played, Augusta's advice on having support swirled around her mind and she ran through multiple ways to handle it. It didn't sound like a horrible thing to do, but she wasn't entirely sure how to handle it either... She knew she wanted to be in control of it and not have anybody touch her during. She wasn't sure if she wanted anybody watching during or what... It felt mortifying to say the least, so she wasn't sure how to handle this. Hubert must've noticed how deep in thought she was because he commented. "Your moves are getting sloppy. Is something on your mind?" There was no judgment about it, just curiosity...and a bit of concern. She sighed and rested her hand on the table. "Yeah... I think Mother Augusta's advice of support isn't necessarily a terrible thing... But I'm not sure how to handle it is the problem. I already feel awkward as is at the thought of doing this by myself, so I'm not sure if I want somebody watching or what... I just don't know how to handle it." Maybe Hubert would have some advice. She could feel her cheeks heating up. Talking about this so openly was still incredibly difficult for her. She didn't want any of this, but she had to figure out a way to make peace with all of it. "Well, how did Lady Augusta handle it?" She told him what the woman had said and he stroked his chin thoughtfully. He was quiet for several minutes. "Well, that's different than what you want as you've said. You want support yet you don't sound enthused at the idea of being watched... Perhaps I could just sit in the room and pretend nothing is going on while I focus on the magic curriculum?" She blinked and looked at him. She...hadn't even really considered that as a possibility. Hubert was usually a silent observer anyway, letting her handle things unless he felt the need to step in. He was almost always moral support in some shape, way, or form. "Honestly, it sounds like it might be the best compromise... If I need something, I can just call you. Otherwise...just focus on your task." They were pretty good at doing things like that. She could remember him barely talking while she was with Helen and Ueli. He tended to just let her handle things unless he felt she was in danger or something else. This wasn't a dangerous situation in the slightest. It was a quiet thing contained to one room. But if she needed something, she could talk to him… "Sounds like we've reached a conclusion then." He smiled at her and she returned it, though a bit sheepishly. She was still anxious over all of this. She had never done anything like this in her life before so doing it out of the blue was really working her up. Honestly, she was thankful for the games. They were helping distract her from the upcoming everything. At least they wouldn't be doing the full act anytime soon... One step at a time. They would get there eventually, but not immediately. She was still so thankful that Hubert was willing to help her in the gentlest manner possible. With that little talk out of the way, she  relaxed back into the game, her attention on it fully. Eventually, they switched back to chess for a couple of matches which got her worked up again. She was frustrated over her lack of progress. He wasn't even trying to beat her, but he kept winning. She would get this in due time. She just had to keep trying. But he didn't stay with that too long as he promised. He switched the game to senet and they played that for a while. She found herself enjoying it more than chess. Again, simple in concept but still an element of strategy to it. Eventually, though, the sun started to lower on the horizon and she let out a breath. "I guess we should start winding down for the night..." She wasn't looking forward to this, but there was no choice. "I'll have somebody go drop these off at the game room and we can head back to ours." He flagged down a servant and told them to take the games back to the designated room. After that, he offered his arm to Edelgard and she wrapped her arms around it. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest. There was no real way around any of this. She would just have to deal with it. She could always put it off, but what was the point in that? It would just be delaying the inevitable.   She rested her head against Hubert's shoulder as he guided them back to their room, her anxiety spiking in her chest. She could feel herself shaking a little bit. She really didn't want any of this, but getting used to sexual touch before they moved onto that together was a good idea. She would be in complete control here, so there was nothing to fear. Even so, that didn't help her anxiety in the slightest. She had rarely had sexual thoughts or feelings before, so facing all of this down by herself was making her want to curl up and cry. She'd revisit the book first and see what it said. She had read it a few weeks ago, so a review probably wasn't a bad idea.   Once they got back to the room and the door was shut, Hubert shifted to wrap his arms around her and rested his hands on the small of her back. He bumped their foreheads together, lips lingering just above hers in a clear ask on whether or not she was okay with it. She lightly brushed her lips over his and he pressed a full kiss to her. Again, it was soft, warm, and gentle. Even without words, he was trying to reassure and comfort her. She was so glad he was the one she had married. She wasn't sure if anybody else would have been this understanding toward her especially had it been an arranged marriage.   "I'll be right over there if you need me for anything," he murmured, his tone warm. "I'll give you as much privacy as one can in a situation like this. I'll still be wholly focused on my task. But I'm here for you in moral support if nothing else." He paused. "And, honestly, it's not as bad as you're thinking."    That made her cheeks heat up anew. "You've--"   "Let's just leave it at bodies react in ways we may not always want." She didn't particularly want to discuss it in any depth, so she wouldn't push for details. Still, it was surprising to learn that he of all people had gotten off before. She knew he had emotions--he was showing them to her when they were together like this--but still... It was just...strange to think of him getting off. But, again, she wouldn't push him to talk about it if he didn't want to.   He brushed his lips over her head and picked the magic books up off the bed, then went over to the desk in the corner. She took in a breath then let it out as she walked over to the bookcase and pulled the first book she'd read off the bookshelf. She settled on the bed and, for a little while, she simply refreshed herself on the chapters that dealt with the topic. It seemed like there were multiple methods to achieve what she was doing and the least scary one involved pressing the legs together then grinding. Still... Augusta had suggested she touch down there a little bit first before doing anything. She...really wasn't in comfortable clothing for any of this. So she slipped over to her dresser and changed to one of her nightgowns. It would facilitate this better...at least in her mind. She had no idea what she was doing outside of what she'd read in the book.   She slipped her underwear off and felt the heat rising in her cheeks anew. This was so flustering. She had never even thought about doing something like this in her entire life, yet here she was. The conversation with Augusta had been a little bit TMI since she didn't want to hear about her father doing it, but it was the only reference point she really had. At least she had grown up with experienced women around so that she could have someone to ask when she did need to face this down. She wasn't sure how things would've gone had she been born to an Empress instead of an Emperor.   She was stalling mentally. She was really stalling by talking to herself internally and letting her thoughts wander. About all she knew was that this was supposed to feel good, but she still had her doubts about it. She had heard so many stories from courtly ladies about how badly they hurt when they and their husbands had sex... That was what she was worried about.   Right. Stalling. Again.   She let her fingers wander down and she shivered a little bit at the alien feeling of having anything down there like this. It was kind of one thing when going to the bathroom, but doing this intentionally to get off... It was strange. She remembered the anatomy the book had given her and she used one hand to spread the outer lips apart while her other went to the top. She found her clitoris and rubbed it a little bit, inhaling sharply at the new sensation. It was small but she had definitely felt it. Yeah, that...hadn't felt too bad. It was still a very, very strange sensation though, since she had never really sought it out before. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad...   She continued to feel around a little bit, then located her entrance. She lightly pressed against it and rubbed a little, once again getting a small shiver of pleasure out of it. She didn't probe too deeply, though, not at all ready mentally or emotionally for any sort of penetration. Maybe in the future, but not at all at the moment.   For a little while, she continued to gently probe and get a feel for how things felt. Thankfully, the initial anxiety was melting away bit by bit as her mind let go of the sense of danger that came with this. Being in full control was definitely helping with that. There was no risk of too much pressure, no risk of being taken advantage of... It was all on her and she could do what she wanted to. She did sneak a glance over at Hubert, but he was doing exactly as he said he was. He was acting as if nothing was happening and focusing on the magic books. She was still glad to have some form of support even if it was just mental... She was still kind of mortified by this, but it wasn't as bad as she'd worked herself up to believe. It was pretty calm, quiet, and there was no real risk of anything. Not that she thought Hubert would ever take advantage of her, but her mind just associated rushed and arranged marriages with the potential for manipulation and harm.   Eventually, though, she knew she couldn't put it off forever. She wasn't exactly sure what position would be best for this... Sitting? Laying down? She had no idea. The book hadn't given much instruction on positioning. She was already laying down, so she figured she could try that... She had time for other exploration if she wanted it. She crossed one leg over the other and faffed about for a few minutes until she felt a slight twinge of what she had experienced before. So she'd found a good position...   She started gently grinding in that position, shivering more as she felt the pleasure building bit by bit. Oh, okay. She was starting to understand why people did this now. Especially if they were single. A partner wasn't necessary for any sort of sexual satisfaction if one knew how to do this. This...wasn't proving to be as scary as she'd thought it'd be.   She started to grind more intently, milking more pleasure out of it for herself. The sensation was so very alien to her, but she didn't hate it. She really, really could understand why people did this now. Her breaths grew a bit shorter from the concerted effort she was putting in and she closed her eyes, letting it wash over her. She did feel self-conscious about the noise level and was pretty sure Hubert could hear her, but a glance over revealed he was still ignoring her entirely.   As she ground more intently, the pleasure increased further. It climbed and climbed until she felt it hit a peak and she gasped softly, her entire body shuddering from the suddenness of everything. She felt a bit dazed from it all, her breathing a little short and shallow from it all. Though she did feel her cheeks heat up from the wetness between her legs. Oh, right, that was a thing with it too... But... This really hadn't been as horrible as she'd thought it'd be. She slid her underwear back on and let her nightgown fall back into its proper place.   She walked over to Hubert and wrapped her arms around him from behind, though one of his came up to rest on her elbow. "So how do you feel?" His tone was quiet and just asking a question.   "It...wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be, but I know there's a lot more I can do." There were several chapters on various different methods and she was just going with the one that seemed least scary to her for the moment. It was still strange to have any sort of touch down there, but she felt a little more confident with it at least. She still wasn't going to be rushing into anything with Hubert, though. That scared her out of her wits. They were going to stay on the current course as they decided things.   "Glad to hear it. Do you want to make this a part of our routine for the time being?"   "Probably not a horrible idea... I won't need like the whole three hours though." She hadn't used that much time... Maybe about forty-five minutes. But maybe she would use the whole time eventually. This had really just been something to help her get started. Now that she knew it wasn't as scary as she'd thought it'd be, she was more willing to experiment and try with it. She would still hold off on the penetration for a little while though... That still felt like a challenge that was out of her range for the time being.   "All right. Would you like to call it an early night then? Though....I do have to apologise. You haven't had your nightly tea since we got here. I forgot about it." Oh right, her lavender tea she had every night before bed. With everything else going on, it had slipped her mind as well.   "I guess we can pick back up with it tonight after we get out of the bath." Though she loved being outside, the heat had still gotten to her and she had been sweating quite a bit. So a bath definitely felt pretty nice. She really wanted to get in and get all the grime off. "Well, since we have some extra time, think we could pick up from the magic lesson?"   "We can do that." He tilted his head back and smiled at her. She was noticing his smiles were more and more genuine. He usually offered them for comfort to her, but they were incredibly genuine. Was she seeing the real Hubert...? Was he actually pretty relaxed or...? She really didn't know. She really had no idea what he was like under his veneer of care for her. That was genuine, of course, but he still held himself at a distance to her to protect her and give plausible deniability. But it seemed like a weight had almost been lifted from his shoulders... Was it because of the things she was asking of him to try to do? She had so many questions...   She was already in her nightgown, so she headed into the bathroom to get the water running. She opted to have it a bit cooler due to spending the time in the warm air. Hubert came in a few minutes later and started disrobing which she did as well. Though he did look at her. "Do you want to wash your hair tonight or put it up?"   "Yeah, it's still out of whack from the long travel, so I need to wash it again." She smiled at him and turned the water off once the tub was filled. She sunk in and let out a breath. It felt pretty nice to get in the bath after spending the hottest part of the day outside. She washed her face and body before dunking under the surface to get her hair wet. She told Hubert which products to use and tilted her head back so he could wash her hair. He seemed to be taking his time tonight which, honestly, felt kinda nice. He took his time to massage the products into her scalp and thoroughly rinsed her hair out. She normally just did it as quickly as possible, but this was kind of a nice change of pace. "That honestly feels nice..."   "If you'd like, I can take my time whenever I wash your hair." She saw him smiling even though she had her head tilted back to look at him.   "Might not be a horrible idea." She didn't mind people playing with her hair or massaging her scalp and things like that. In some regards, it was pretty calming. Especially after the anxiety she'd experienced earlier... A little bit of pampering was going a long way... She really was enjoying it.   Once he was done, she washed his hair and opted to return the treatment he had given her. "Hm, you're right. That does feel pretty nice. I'm not usually one to let others touch my head but... It does feel pretty nice."   She smiled at him. "I can do the same then. And did I need to use more product or anything..." She had failed to ask him that last time. It was a bit late for that now unless he wanted to redo everything. Though, judging from his reaction, he might not hate it.   "You have a pretty good eye for the right amount." He just offered her a reassuring smile and she nodded. She was glad. She didn't want him to feel lesser because she'd done something wrong. She was still nervous about the next step, but they were taking it slowly. They could stay at one place for however long she needed. There was no need to rush. They had months upon months. Though she would probably need to come back pregnant for the advisers to be happy. The thought made her frown and he tilted his head at her. "What's wrong?"   "I realised that I probably should be pregnant for the advisers to be happy..." She had some pretty good healers on hand so she'd probably know within a few weeks if she were pregnant... She should probably start watching her cycles to figure out when would be best for that prospect...   "Feh, let those noxious vipers blather on. Between myself and Her Eminence, we'll keep them quiet. Though you do unfortunately have a point... They won't be happy until you're with child." He rested a hand on her shoulder and leaned over, bumping their foreheads together. "I understand why you're afraid. I promise I'll be by your side through it all. I'm not...enthused about the idea of being a father, but I will not abandon you. I promise you that. I will be by your side until I draw my last." He gently trailed his hand down her arm and lifted her hand up, kissing the back of it.   She nodded and looked down, squeezing his hand. "I'm glad... I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have your support..." She knew there would be carers in the castle for the children, but she hadn't been left to the devices of third parties. She was born to a consort, so her mother had been incredibly involved in her life. Her father...had been distant. But with seven women and a country to run, his time was divided pretty harshly. She closed her eyes. "I don't want to be distant from my children... I want to raise them, but I know with ruling the Empire..."   "My-- Edelgard, when you do bear children, allow me to handle matters of state when needed. If you wish to take time for the children, then please do. I know how important family is for you. You may be Empress, but you're still a human with your own wants and needs. And, for you, family is an incredibly important need. I'll take care of the state while you take care of the children. Do you trust me to do that?" His voice was quiet and he squeezed her hand, making her look up. Tears filled her eyes and she nodded. She didn't want to leave her children to carers for their entire lives. It was one thing when the Empress wasn't born of House Hresvelg like Juliane. She could afford to take time to be away with the children. But when the Empress was born to House Hresvelg, it usually meant leaving the caring of the children to third parties, be it consorts or professional caregivers. Sometimes the Empresses barely even knew their children. She didn't want that at all...   "Thank you, Hubert... I appreciate it." She smiled at him through the tears, wiping them away with her free hand. "It'll mean the world to me." She didn't want her children to not know their mother. It would be hard on her to be away from them. She really, really hated the idea of not being involved with her children at all.   "Whatever makes you happy." He leaned over and kissed her forehead. He dropped her hand. She was glad he was so loyal to her. She really didn't know what she'd do without him. She was glad he hadn't been told to go to one of her older siblings that had been closer to his age. She would be so utterly lost without him right now. She would've been forced into some arranged marriage and possibly been broken from having to have sex and get pregnant immediately... But not with Hubert. He could be so kind, sweet, and gentle with her...   They got out of the bath soon after and curled up on the bed, resuming her magic lessons. She opted to try out what he had with the fire magic, running her hands up and down her wet hair. She smiled brightly when it worked. "I did it!" It was a small thing really, but considering the amount of control such a subtle use of magic required, it was quite the accomplishment to her after years of not having performed any magic.   He smiled at her and squeezed her shoulders. "You're always quite the quick learner." She spent the next twenty or so minutes listening to him talk while she dried her hair. Divine, it was so nice to not be waiting hours for her hair to air dry. And the nice thing was fire was pretty basic magic, so anybody that had any sort of knowledge in magic with a decent amount of control would be able to do it.   As sunset approached, Hubert got up and told a servant to go fetch Edelgard's nightly tea. The servant returned a little while later with the lavender tea and she took a sip from the mug. It felt nice to have it again after close to two weeks. As she sipped it, she leaned against Hubert and looked up at him. "Today...really wasn't that horrible." She had worked herself up for basically nothing. It...had been pretty pleasurable. It wasn't ground shaking but she knew now to at least expect that much, depending on what all they ended up doing.   Hubert massaged her scalp and she leaned into it like a cat. "I'm glad. I know chess isn't particularly fun for you, but we'll continue working on it. I know there are some books on strategies in the library... We can have them brought up tomorrow. Reading on how to string things together and counter your opponent's movement and figure out what strategy they're using would probably be helpful for you." She wasn't so sure about that, but she would like to know everything he was doing... He clearly knew what he was doing while she was bumbling around in the dark. She was bound and determined to learn, though.   "All right." She continued to lean into his petting and she smiled, closing her eyes. She really did enjoy having people play with her hair and pet her head. It felt really, really nice. He did stop after a little while, though, and she focused on finishing her tea. Once the teapot was emptied, he handed the tray off to a servant. Night had fallen so shadows lengthened the room. They curled up in bed and fell asleep, the buzzing of night insects droning in the distance.