yet still i hide

Edelgard started heading back to her room though she did frown as something crossed her mind. She probably should've told Dimitri everything yesterday but...she didn't want to potentially overwhelm him. But she really should have. She put the sweets in her room then took a little while to track him down. She hung back for a little bit, but then sighed and approached him. "Um, hey, Dimitri..." She wasn't really sure how to approach any of this... She was trying to be sensitive and give him his space but...he really deserved to know. She could see a tension to his face that wasn't normally there. Despite that, he offered a smile. "Oh, good afternoon, El. What brings you by?" She could see something was definitely up with him but she didn't know what it was. She felt horrible about talking to him again so soon but... She didn't want this hanging over her head. The anxiety would cripple her and she knew it. She was far too sensitive. Far, far too sensitive to the moods of others and her own internal worries. Sometimes she could worry herself into stomach aches if she let something simmer in her head for too long. "I'm sorry to not give you space like I said I would but...there are a few things I think you should know about before saying anything. Is there somewhere private we could talk for a little bit?" She really did feel bad. "I just...wasn't really in the right mindset yesterday to say anything about them." She really felt awful about this. But he deserved to know about what he was getting into... The Crest experiments had really ruined her. He needed to know she wasn't in tip top shape anymore... She looked like she was in her prime and she probably was, but she wasn't sure what all the Crest experiments had done to her… She saw his brow raise a little bit but he nodded. "My room is always available, of course." The rumor mill would have a field day with this one. But she couldn't let this get out in any shape, way, or form. It had to stay between them and if his room was what was best, then that was where they'd talk. She could imagine somebody overhearing in the library and then spreading the rumors around. No matter what she did, she would be subject of the rumor mill. It was so unfair. Yes, she had suggested a relationship to him, but he was still her brother in the end... She wanted to be as open and honest with him as she could be. "Again, I'm sorry... I can tell something's bothering you..." She could. She had gotten pretty acutely aware of people due to how the Adrestian court was. She felt awful for bothering him, but she felt like he needed to know about all of this. It wasn't fair if they got into a relationship and she held back important information that would impact them... She wanted him to make as informed a decision as he could. Even if it took him a few months to sort out...she wanted him to take whatever time he needed. Even if time wasn't on her side. Dimitri shook hi shead. "I just have a lot to think on, El. I'll be all right." He offered her a smile, but she could see the tension in it. Something was definitely very, very wrong with him. Regardless, they headed back to his room. She sat on the desk chair while he sat on his bed. She wrapped her arms around herself and didn't meet his gaze. "I know I've been...cagey about what happened to me after I left Fhirdiad, but it's been for good reason. It's something I really don't want to relive more than necessary. My memory issues make it hard for me to remember much but..." She frowned, though her head remained down. This was really the first time she was telling anybody outside of her small circle about this. Only Divine knew what would happen if somebody with ill intentions were to learn about this. She couldn't let it get out at all. Juliane and the other remaining women knew as did Hubert. But she'd never discussed it even with Ueli and Helen. They were good people. But she still couldn't let random commoners know about the hardships of the royal family. "...I actually now bear two Crests: the Crest of Seiros and the Crest of flames." She knew it was impossible but...it was the truth. She really hated all of this. She hated the Seven. She hated Duke Aegir. She hated the Church. She hated the Slitherers... She hated all of this. They'd destroyed her family... They'd taken her best friend away from her. They'd robbed her of everyone she cared about. They'd robbed her of her future. And they'd given her a throne she wanted nothing to do with. Dimitri blinked. He was quiet for several moments, but she heard him rise and he walked over to her before kneeling down, trying to meet her eye. But she refused to look up, keeping her chin tucked against her chest. She could see his expression was soft though. "The Crest of Flames has been lost since the King of Liberation. And you bear it...?" She nodded. "To keep it as short as possible... What killed all of my siblings was a shadowy group that lurks in Fodlan's darkest parts was the experimentation to get one of us to bear the Crest of Flames. It...lasted over a year." She was trying to keep it as short as she could, not wanting to thrust herself back into those memories. They were scant, but they were enough to make her life a living hell when she did get thrust back into them. She could sometimes spend days locked up in her room if they got triggered badly enough. It was best she not dwell on them too much. She couldn't afford to miss several days' worth of classes due to her mind crumbling in on itself. She could tell something was up with how he fell silent for a moment, but he wrapped her in a hug. "That... El... I'm so sorry." His voice was quiet and shook a bit. She closed her eyes. There was nothing that could ever make any of this right. She had lost those dearest to her. She wanted to see the Church crushed... It was their inaction and twisted systems that caused so much harm in the first place... If she ended the Church, maybe she could find some sort of retribution... But not without both the Kingdom and Alliance behind her... She couldn't plunge the entirety of the continent to war against her… She kept her arms wrapped around herself, obviously trying not to completely lose it. "The main thing...I don't know how much longer I have left to live... I can just tell my lifespance as been shortened, but I can't tell by how much..." She felt awful for dumping all of this on him when he already so clearly under some sort of severe stress but...it was a major sticking point. If somebody wanted to live a long, full life with her... Well they weren't going to get it unfortunately. She really had no idea how long she had left... She hated all of this. Juliane would probably have to bury the last Imperial child she had helped raise with so much love and care. To see the entire Imperial line ended... She couldn't imagine what that would do to the woman. She heard his breath hitch and glanced up, seeing a few tears roll down his cheeks. He pulled her as close as he could and she didn't protest or push him away. "El, I'm so sorry..." It was so horrible, but he really did deserve to know. It'd...probably make or break the decision that he eventually made. He didn't deserve her broken, shattered psyche and body... He should find a partner that made him happy... But she only had a year... She was so worried she wouldn't find somebody within that time… She rested her head against his, throat sticking. "I'm sorry to push all of this on you when I can tell something's bothering you but...I felt like you deserved to know..." It would be a major point in deciding if they wanted a relationship. They wouldn't get a full life together, not unless there was some way to get rid of the Crest of Flames. "It's why my hair changed too..." that was less important really but... She really did feel awful for shoving this on him while he was clearly already suffering somehow. She felt so careless, like she was hurting him even further. He cared about people so deeply ad to tell him she was slowly dying... It felt so cruel. "It isn't fair to you." She could see his tears falling on her shorts and his entire body shook subtly. "For me, it's not fair to the people that care about me..." She didn't really care about herself... She just thought about how it'd impact the people she loved... Juliane might even outlive her at this rate. She wasn't really sure where she'd end up or how long she'd lived... But she'd probably not even make it to her fifties or so... She'd probably be lucky to make it to her forties... She knew she'd have to have children and it'd be so incredibly unfair to them... Having to bury a mother when they were still relatively young.. She hated the thought. But it was just the reality of the situation. She would die young. That was all there was to it. There was nothing she could possibly do. "It's always the innocent that suffer the most..." His voice was quiet and shook a little bit. "It is unfortunately..." She ran her hand over his head, feeling heartbroken he had to learn all of this but... He deserved to know. He really did. If he didn't want her after learning this, she would completely understand. Most people would want somebody they could live a full, happy life with. And anybody that ended up with her wouldn't get that. A few decades if they were lucky. She would never get to see her own children after a certain point. She almost certainly wouldn't get to see her grandchildren. Maybe she would get to see them marry if she were lucky. She hoped she would get at least that much. But fate was cruel and reality would rear its ugly head. She would probably not even get that much. He continued to hold her close but he was able to dry his tears and bump their foreheads together. "El, you're still my sister. I don't know if there's a way to slow things or fix them. But I do know this. I won't throw you aside. And those that did this better pray to whatever god they have that the ground itself swallows them in their tombs." There was a hint of darkness in his tone, something terrible, as if the universe itself trembled at what he promised for those that harmed her. She blinked. That...was more than a little disconcerting, but she put it to the side and kept focusing on him. "I don't know if there is or not either... I really hope there is, but even Hubert's access to their information is limited with how elusive they are." She wished she could get the years of her life back, but there really wasn't much she could do about it unless they could get access to the Slitherers' information. That seemed like a far cry, though... She knew he had searched high and low in the years since the Crest experiments and had managed to reverse engineer what little information he could find from them. Even searching the dark depths of the Enbarr dungeons hadn't yielded much. Just bloodstains and skeletons of other victims of the innocent that had been left to rot there. He really didn't have any leads on where they might be. Dimitri took a breath and bumped their foreheads together again. "Well, the Church does have resources that the rest of Fodlan's nations don't. Plus, we do have graduates of the Royal Academy here. Annette might act like a silly girl at times, but she and Mercedes are phenomenal mages. Also, the father of Crestology is our professor." "That...would mean having to talk to people about it..." She was having a hard enough time telling him about it. She didn't trust the Church at all either. She didn't want this getting out. Just remembering everything as infrequently as she did was bad enough. Having to talk to people over and over again about it... She couldn't imagine doing that. It was hard enough just to think about, let alone having to talk about. She might completely collapse if she had to relive those memories more than necessary. She might never recover. Her psyche had already torn itself apart once and had barely been pieced together again by Juliane with the help of Ueli and Helen. She could not imagine having to relive that trauma over and over again. "It would, and I know it must be terrifying. I won't discount your worries. But El, if we do nothing, if we just accept what will happen?" He paused. "I can't bear the thought of losing you too." He shook again a little bit. She frowned. "I don't want to lose you either but..." Her throat tightened again. "It's why I can't sleep alone at night. The nightmares... I just... Talking about it is too hard..." Having to uncover those terrible scars and wounds that hasn't healed was so hard and it often left her completely incapacitated if she was forced to talk about what she did remember. Having to give details to anybody in any depth... She just... He didn't understand. She knew he'd been through the Tragedy of Duscur, but he didn't understand the literal torture she'd been through. She could still remember being in so much pain she couldn't move from the freeing cold stone floor. It had robbed her of any warmth in her body. She had had almost no food. She had had almost no water. Just enough to keep her alive really. The screams of the innocents while they were tortured, including her siblings. He just... He didn't understand. He rocked her a bit and she could see the tears in his eyes again. "I wouldn't ask you to talk about everything or open your soul to a stranger, El. If we do this, I could fill them in on what they need to know, that by something outside of your control, you now have two Crests and the second one is harming you. So we need to remove." His voice was thick with emotion and she could tell he was hardly keeping it together. She didn't blame him. Juliane had been beside herself when El had told her this too... Even Hubert had been pretty quiet when she'd eventually told him. She couldn't imagine how hard it must be to him to think about without her in his life permanently. "I know I shouldn't just roll over and accept it but... If even Hubert can't do much with all the resources of House Vestra..." She knew he wasn't the lord of the house yet, but that didn't mean he didn't have the resources of the house at his disposal. She just didn't want to trust anybody affiliated with the Church with any of this. If it got back to Seteth or, Divine forbid, Rhea, who knew what would happen and what sort of investigations and questioning she would face. She wouldn't be able to handle it. She would probably just collapse in on herself. They would be so harsh and uncompromising. They had no heart and wouldn't show her any sympathy in their desire to know what had happened. Dimitri bumped their foreheads together again. "That's one quarter of Fodlan. There's a lot more to the continent. I won't force you but, El, please think about it. I know Annette and Mercedes would be trustworthy at the very least." She was just silent, obviously not wanting to budge on the point. She didn't trust the Church or anybody affiliated with them and she worried somebody might use the information to harm the Empire in some shape, way or form. She knew she shouldn't just roll over and accept it, but the other risks just felt too great to her. He didn't understand how people might be a risk to the Empire. She didn't know how he thought of the Kingdom in the same way she thought of the Empire... She was always looking over her shoulder at the nobles who might try and harm her or the Imperial women… He repeated the motion. "The Empire needs you, El. I need you." He let out a breath. "All I ask is that you think about it..." He just didn't understand. He didn't understand how the nobles could be so callous and terrible. Adresitan nobles could be so cutthroat and callous. Even after she cleaned up the court, it wouldn't be easy to deal with... "I know..." She knew her people needed it, but it felt like the other options could potentially harm the Empire. She just... It felt like secrets like this getting out would cause significant issues. She didn't want to die young, but by the same hand... She couldn't bring herself to tell anybody else about it. It just felt like too many risks especially if it got back to Seteth through Hanneman... What would the Church do if they knew she knew about the Slitherers? She would probably have to go through a lot of inquiries and interrogations. They would probably want as much information as possible. She might very well be deemed a risk and a threat and either imprisoned or even executed. She couldn't have the line of House Hresvelg end like that... She couldn't risk the Empire like that… Dimitri squeezed her shoulder then rose and settled back on his bed. "Anyway, I can leave you alone now... I just...felt like it was too important to not tell you." She still looked down, not able to meet his eye. She felt awful for shoving all of this on him when he obviously was not entirely well in the head. She wished she could help him, but she knew nobody could protect somebody from their own mind... He said nothing and she left the room. What a mess... If he did toss her aside, she wouldn't blame him in the slightest...