yet still i hide

Edelgard roused the next morning and went through her normal morning routine, though Hubert remained in her room. Unusual. He usually slipped out immediately after she woke. Did he have something he wanted to say? "Before you head out for the day, there are a few things we should probably discuss and cover, my lady." Edelgard tilted her head and looked at Hubert. "Okay?" She hadn't expected anything like this. But she appreciated his counsel (most of the time) so she'd listen. He'd never given her any reason to distrust him. Yes, she knew he did things behind her back. She was quite aware of that, but he was only acting in what he though was her best interest. And, usually, his actions did benefit her even if she didn't always appreciate them. She heard him let out a breath. "Before yesterday, I didn't think you needed these spells, but after that... I think it might be better to be prepared than not." Edelgard's head just remained tilted, completely uncertain what he was talking about or what was going through his head. She trusted his counsel but this was cryptic even for him. How could he find a way to get even more cryptic than normal? He almost never ceased to astound her with how cryptic he was. But she did trust him so… Hubert let out a sigh before casting. She wasn't very practiced in magic, so she wasn't entirely sure what he was doing. But she could at least hear they were protective in some shape, way, or form. She knew a few basics about magic, though not much. She simply hadn't had time to learn about it. After the Crest experiments, she'd mostly been focused on falconry under Ueli and Helen and had combat classes to help her build muscle after being in that cell for so long. "Contraceptive spells, my lady. I know you don't have anyone yet but I suspect that is only for a short time now." Immediately, Edelgard felt her face heat up as much as it possibly could. All she could get out were a few small noises due to her brain being entirely scrambled. She had nobody that she was interested in and nobody that was interested in her. What in Divine's name was he thinking? She just… Ugh. She buried her face in her hands, her voice completely paralysed by the suddenness of it all. Seriously, she had nobody she was interested in. Who was he thinking about? She wasn't exactly a highly sexual person. She'd had fleeting thoughts at random times but it wasn't like she'd actually ever acted on anything with those random men she'd had those random thoughts about. She wasn't going to potentially endanger the Empire with a child out of wedlock. Plus, she felt far, far too vulnerable opening up like that to anybody. She heard him let out another breath. "I'm sure it's surprising, but it's better safe than sorry. And, my lady, there is one I think you might not realise you're falling for." She had literally nobody that was on her mind. Nobody. She was staying as far away from everybody as emotionally as she could to avoid something happening to her. It hadn't even been a week here at the Academy. How in Divine's name could something happen that quickly? She had heard of whirlwind romances happening, but that most assuredly was not happening to her. She wasn't even aware of any of the women in the Imperial family having whirlwind romances with her father. Most of them had been arranged marriages that had turned to deep love and affection over time. Seriously, what was Hubert thinking? She had nobody on her mind. "It surprised me as well, my lady. Especially this quickly. I suppose your kindness and their heart are a fine match, though." His tone was soft as he spoke. She shook her head. She still didn't understand who he was getting at. There was seriously nobody she was thinking of. They hadn't even been at the Academy a week. Seriously, why was he thinking all of this? She'd not really talked to anybody that much. She was still emotionally distant with Dorothea, at least as far as she could be... Well, she was being open with Bernie, but that was out of necessity and she was not about to force the girl into a marriage. She could not see what he was getting at. She heard him sigh. That...was pretty unusual at least when he was dealing with her. She must be pushing his buttons a bit to earn that reaction. "You were held by him very intimately last night, my lady. He may have those wounds, but you could do much worse than Prince Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd." Edelgard choked at Dimitri's name. "But he's my brother!" she managed to get out despite how mortified she felt. They were siblings. It felt wrong. And to think nothing of the political ramifications... They would be hellacious to put it lightly. There was no way... She couldn't... He was her only remaining sibling. How could she? How could she even consider it? There was no real taboo against it even from the Church... Almost all of Fodlan's nobility was related to each other in some shape or fashion but… "Step-brother, my lady. There are no laws or religious protests to your relationship. Also, didn't the thirteenth emperor marry his--" Edelgard let out some strangled, dying noises. Nope! She was not going there! Not at all! She did not need to be reminded of this! The Imperial family did a lot of things nobody else in Fodlan did! She did not need to be reminded! The consort system was for them only. Why, she wasn't sure. "Not to mention, such unions are commonplace even if you were blood siblings." She just shook her head vehemently. Every part of her told her this was a bad idea. The political fallout would be bad enough if they pursued it. But he was firmly family in her mind. For her, it just felt like crossing a line far, far too taboo even if cousins and such weren't uncommon in Fodlan. They might not be related but she still felt like it was extremely wrong and crossing a terrible line. She could feel Hubert sit on the bed near her before he spoke again. "When you're able to form a response, we can discuss this fully, my lady. However, I saw the way he looks at you and you him. There's a depth of emotion well beyond just siblings." It didn't feel like it. She had loved almost all of her siblings extremely deeply. Her and Tobias had been practically inseparable when they'd been together. He had been her best friend and it felt much the same as when she talked to Dimitri. How could Hubert even think this...? She curled into a ball and wrapped her arms around herself, not going to be able to get herself under control at all. Her mind was so scrambled that she couldn't comprehend any of this. She wasn't leaving her room for the next two days though. That much was clear for her. Absolutely was not happening. She couldn't face Dimitri again, not after this. She wouldn't be able to look at him without feeling her entire face go red. All she could do was avoid him after this... She would hate to do so, but he had his friends. He didn't need to see her for a few days...or a few weeks if she could manage it. Her mind continued to run for the next few hours, completely unaware of what was happening until she heard the door open. Her face flamed anew as she saw Hubert walk in with Dimitri. Oh Divine, the rumor mill was gonna have a field day with this. The Kingdom's prince entering the future Empress' room. There was no telling how long this was going to go. She didn't want to talk to him, didn't want to see him. She'd wanted to avoid him but, once again, Hubert had thwarted her plans... Even if he hadn't realised it. She saw Dimitri's face was also a handsome shade of scarlet. Not that she blamed him in the slightest. This was absolutely mortifying. But he sat down on the bed and pulled her into his lap with her head on his shoulder. She sighed internally. There was no getting out of this. She didn't push away though. She just... She didn't know what to say or do... This was way too much for her to try to handle all at once. She felt Dimitri rub her back gently and he held her close. "I'm right here, El. I won't leave you." He laid his forehead against hers which wasn't helping anything. It was an affectionate gesture, but at the moment... It felt way too intimate. Juliane did it with her almost on the daily basis, but for some reason, it just felt like it was too much. She did nod a bit, but she couldn't meet his eye. She just... She didn't know what to think or feel about any of this. Well, outside of the fact it felt very wrong… Dimitri rocked her, rubbing her back again. "Hubert filled me in a little bit. It might be a little early to worry about that." She couldn't agree more. She was not going to engage in any sort of sexual behavior with anybody unless she was committed to them. She couldn't run the risk of bastards and the strife that would cause the Empire. Not to mention the Kingdom if it came to that between them. "You are a wonderful woman, El, but it doesn't mean it has to be over thought or rushed. You're incredibly special even if it's hard to see it." She really wasn't anything special. At all. She was a broken shell of a person that couldn't form memories correctly. Most of her memories were recalled through reading about them in her journals. It was almost as if learning about historical events. It was strange to be an outside observer to her own life… She nodded and sighed, finally finding her voice. "It just... It feels wrong... I know relatives marrying is semi-common, but..." Sometimes siblings even did marry each other even if that wasn't the most smiled upon practice. But she just... It felt so wrong. She couldn't put it into words. The Church didn't teach against it necessarily, but it really just didn't feel right to her either. He was a relative. Not blood related, but still... Something in her just viscerally reacted. Dimitri ran a hand through her hair, gently petting her head. "I understand entirely." She was glad about that... "A little sister should be protected and cared for, after all." He bumped their foreheads together. She wanted to return the familiar gesture, but it felt like crossing a line... Almost everything felt like crossing a line at the moment. "You don't have to genuinely consider everyone. If someone doesn't fit your criteria, then don't." He smiled at her warmly. "I'm more than happy with the brother title. We can leave it there without issue." If only it were so simple... She sighed and closed her eyes. "One problem is I'm not sure if I will find anybody... I'm so broken..." She really didn't think anybody could love somebody as objectively broken as she was. She wouldn't be able to remember good times. She might forget about anniversaries. She just... She was so broken she was literally unlovable. She couldn't fathom anybody caring about her outside of her small circle. She wasn't even a leader that inspired any sort of confidence. She was too soft spoken, too gentle... She wasn't charismatic or outgoing like even Juliane was. She could be so timid and withdrawn. Who wanted a leader, let alone a lover bereft of all of that? She wasn't going to inspire any sort of loyalty among the Black Eagles despite what Hubert said. Her entire demeanor wasn't set for ruling. She wasn't somebody that could inspire others to be loyal, let alone do something like go to war. Not that she necessarily wanted to go to war but...if it came to that somehow, she wouldn't be able to get others to do it. She heard him take a deep breath and he pulled her close. "It won't be easy. True." That was an understatement. If it were easy, she wouldn't be here. She wouldn't need lessons on how to be a leader. But she did. How could somebody that needed those lessons be any sort of effective leader? If she didn't crumble before she ascended the throne, she'd be surprised. She didn't want the responsibility. At all. But she had no other choice. She really didn't. "There are a number of good people in this world that if, given a chance, would love you with every fiber of their being. They'd see what I do. They'd see your kind heart, your love of family. They'd see how sweet you are and, like me, want to cherish and protect that." He ran a hand through her hair. She wasn't kind, sweet, or anything he said... She barely held on and made it day by day at best. It was so hard to see the future even though hers was was laid out before her. "The wounds and memory loss? They're signs of survival. Of standing up even after something so terrible. Someone that can see that? Someone that you care for and are comfortable with? A person like that exists. Even if you don't have them in your life yet." They really weren't. They were signs of weakness and potential avenues for people to manipulate and abuse her. She knew Hubert wouldn't let anybody like that close, but people could still slip by... Helga had been a two-faced bitch that even Juliane hadn't seen through. And she was good at reading people… "Just be patient and talk to people. You'll start to see people that start to fit what you're after. Perhaps a knight brave and true. Or a commoner that originally came here for selfish reasons but found something far more important than themselves. I won't say it won't be scary. But you don't have to spill everything at once. A small secret that won't hurt, and see if they can be trusted might be a good start." Trust people with her secrets? For the most part, her secrets were big ones. She tried to be emotionally distant, but she knew others read her like an open book. Her secrets were ones like the Crest experiments, ones she didn't like revisiting… She kept her arms wrapped around herself, her gaze still dropped down. "The problem is I don't want to trust anybody even though I know I'll have to. Between...what decimated my family and seeing how awful the court is...I don't just don't trust people anymore." If she were introduced to Ueli and his family now, she wouldn't be so warm with them. She'd be polite but distant and that was about it. She'd been more open to accepting people even after the Crest experiments but after dealing with the court... People were just too scary. Nobles were two-faced at absolute best and she had no idea if anybody would try to take advantage of her memory issues. But she also didn't want to be stuck in some loveless arranged marriage either. However, things were pointing toward that being the prospect more and more... She just... She didn't want any of this. She didn't want to be Empress. But there wasn't anything she could do about it... She was the last member of House Hresvelg so it was on her to carry out all the duties dealing with it. She wanted to just live a simple life, learning falconry and taking care of birds. She'd practically become an apprentice to Ueli for months following the Crest experiments. She'd basically lived in his house for the majority of the day during those months. "That does make it harder. Not that I blame, you, El; people can be far uglier than they seem..." He trailed off, obviously thinking about something, but he let it go. "Trust probably shouldn't form overnight anyway. Maybe reach for distant friends first and if that works, tape a step closer?" It was so hard... It was so scary. She didn't want to trust people. She'd seen too much desperation come from nobles trying to earn trust from other nobles and how that led to insurmountable backstabbing and being two faced. She had heard how Helga tried to take her father for her own, though between all the other women and her father, that hadn't really worked out. She just... She couldn't do it. "I know a few people that you could with maybe." "It just feels too scary to trust anybody..." That was really what it came down to. "Even people who are supposed to be loyal can turn against you..." She hesitated, not wanting to give away the Empire's inner workings to a rival nation, but at the same time..it was Dimitri. Her brother. She was so used to confiding in family that she was just the most open to him of anybody that wasn't Hubert. She simply didn't trust any of the Black Eagles at this point. She didn't even trust Bernie despite how open she was forced to be with the other girl. "Seven nobles stripped my father of his powers, then allied with complete monsters which killed all my siblings. And it wasn't just random nobles either... Hubert's father, Duke Aegir... Count Bergliez.. Count Varley... All very high ranking members of the cour. They were supposed to be loyal to him especially Marquis Vestra but they basically resigned him to a slow, painful death through stress.” And broke her family up entirely... She'd seen three of her siblings waste away into nothingness including the one that had been her best friend. Oh Tobias... She missed him so much. She missed their little forays into town, their sneaking out of the castle, him buying her sweets... All memories she would never relive. He was dead. She would never get him back.   She could feel Dimitri's hand shake a little and he closed his eyes for a little while. But he opened them soon after. "I can see why you'd have trouble trusting them. Or anyone." He started gently running his hand through her hair again. He did close his eyes again, making her frown. What was going on in that head of his that he had to keep turning away? She didn't understand. But he took a deep breath and bumped their foreheads together. "HUbert and I will be with you on this journey. I wish I could say it's just going to work out, but I can't. It'll take bravery, El. And time. With a ton of support." He covered her hand with one of his. "They should have been there for you. So we'll need to do what we can to make sure your court will support you."   "That's why I was brought to the Kingdom... To shield me from the Insurrection. I'm not sure why I of everyone was spared, though." All of her siblings had gone through it, even Leopold and Alina who were younger than she was. She didn't understand. If she was shielded, why not them too? It hurt to think about them going through all the turmoil and having to lose their mother in such a traumatic way. Katinka was still alive and back in Gillingr territory, but she wasn't sure if she knew her children were dead or not... She'd not seen the woman since she was a child.   "I just... It's so hard to trust..." She was pulling away from even Dorothea. She just didn't know who would have mal intents in their hearts. The only person she was being open with here was Bernie and that was basically out of necessity. She couldn't imagine how badly it would hurt the girl if she were just polite but distant... She needed to have a good relationship with the nobles of the Adresitan Empire so she could take over... So many of them would be put to the sword once she took over.   Dimitri ran his hand through her hair, rocking her as well. "Well, it's not something to rush. Especially if it does go romantically. Just...try to consider giving people a chance. Even if it's just as friends."   She nodded a bit, though her gaze remained down. "If somebody were willing to give me a chance, there are...more things that would possibly have them shut down on me even if we did get decent ways into a relationship..." She really, really didn't want to talk about it but... The Crest experiments had shortened her life considerably. By how much, she couldn't be certain. All she knew was that she could feel her body straining against the Crest of Flames, trying to reject it. That sheer amount of strain was really shortening her life... She hated it, but there was nothing she could do about it.   He rubbed her back and nodded a bit. "Relationships are never easy. And secrets can definitely be a hindrance, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if a relationship is worth it, nothing will break it. If someone decides you're worth it, then those hurdles will be delays, not the end." She...could see that to some degree. Hubert was her loyal vassal despite everything. Despite all the secrets and what his father had done. She had never really tried to push him away or anything, but he still bore with her despite her memory issues and how utterly broken she was.   She sighed and closed her eyes, resting her head against his shoulder. This was not an easy discussion and they were kind of talking in circles at this point... "If we did want to give this a chance...what would your feelings be?" Her voice was quiet, quieter than normal. She just... Might as well get back to the main topic. No point in beating around the bush and continuing to talk about what ifs. It still felt so viscerally wrong to her but...there would be benefits, loathe as she was to admit it. It'd be a political nightmare, but if it could get both of them out of arranged marriages...   She heard his voice hitch a little as he spoke again. "Well... I'll admit before Hubert brought it up, I hadn't considered anything beyond our familial bond," he admitted slowly. "So, my thoughts are a bit...chaotic. Like you, I see you as my sister. Someone I cherish deeply, someone I want to protect. If I'm looking at it objectively... The political mess would be a major hurdle, but, on the other hand, you are a remarkable woman. Any man, or woman for that matter, would be very blessed to be with somebody as kind as you. And yet on the other hand..." He let out a breath and she opened her eyes to see him shake his head.   "I haven't really started to consider marriage yet, despite the fact I probably should. I do have an obligation to the throne after all... There are a few other factors too, but I haven't sorted through them entirely yet." That was entirely fair. this had just been sprung on the both of them out of nowhere. She'd had several hours, but her brain had refused to accept any truth but what she saw as a familial bond. But she could see some benefits. She didn't want to admit it, but she could. Though, yes, again, the political headache... What a mess that'd be if it did end up going that way.   She nodded a bit. "I'm obviously not trying to push for anything but...I just know I'm going to be prodded when I take the throne shortly after I graduate. So I don't have much choice in the matter. I have to think now before I'm pushed onto somebody I don't love." She hoped it didn't come across as pushy or anything... She was simply trapped in a hopeless situation at the moment. If she wanted to find somebody she actually loved, then now was the time to start looking... Despite all the issues she had with trust.   "But yeah, the political headache would be...very real." She couldn't even deny it. The Kingdom might think the Empire was trying to take over or something like that. There would be a lot of political upheaval and not to mention heirs... That was something she really didn't want to think about at the moment.   Dimitri rested a hand on her cheek. "I understand, El, but if the idea makes you feel uncomfortable, if it feels wrong, then don't force yourself either." He bumped their foreheads together. "Your feelings and needs need to be at the forefront of any discussion." If only it were so simple. The Empire was what she needed to think about first. She would be pushed to find a partner almost immediately upon taking the throne and she knew it. The Academy was the only chance she had to find a person she might actually love. But the issues she had with trust... What a mess.   "It is a good time to start looking. If it's my temperament that you like, then some of the future knights of the Kingdom might be worth looking at. Not to mention, they tend to take loyalty incredibly seriously, so that might help..." He bumped their foreheads together again. "What matters is that you're happy, comfortable, and safe, El." She wasn't sure if she'd ever feel those things again. She had lost the support network she had for most of her life in basically one fell swoop. She always felt vulnerable and exposed. Juliane and her other two mothers were the only things standing between her and another full-fledged coup. The women would not allow Edelgard to be harmed if they could help it. Same with Hubert... Thankfully, Juliane was a good person to stand behind even if she had no real combat training or even a Crest.   "When I do look at things a bit more objectively on the personal side...I trust you more than anybody else here. Well, that isn't Hubert..." That probably went without saying. Even if he did things that made her not terribly happy at the moment. But she knew he'd do things he thought were only in her best interest whether she agreed with them or not. It did feel wrong but she just... Dimitri was the only person she felt like she could trust for the time being... She was just so tentative around people due to everything the Seven had done as well as the Crest experiments...   Dimitri rocked her a little bit. "I understand. Thankfully, you don't have to jump into anything right away. You've got time to figure out the best partner potentially." Time really wasn't on her side. Less than a year. She had less than a year before she'd ascend the throne. Less than a year before she'd take over Adrestia. She had to sort through her trust issues and traumas and hopefully find somebody that she could trust in less than a year. Somebody that she'd need to be with for the rest of her life. Less than a year. But he really wasn't picking up on what she was saying...   She sighed internally. "I'm saying, despite everything, maybe we should give it a chance, Dimitri..." It still didn't necessarily feel right but... Aside from the political stuff, at the moment, it did seem to potentially be the best arrangement for both of them... Even if it didn't work out, she hoped they'd remain close... She didn't want to lose her one remaining brother... Family meant the world to her. It was her reason for doing almost everything in her life. It really was one of the utmost driving forces for her...   She saw him flush a bit. "I'll need a bit of time to think about it so I can fully process this, but regardless of what happens, you'll always be my sister." He ran a hand through her hair. "There's...something I should look at if I get into a relationship."   She nodded and rested her head on his chest. "Of course... I"m not trying to be pushy at all..." She hoped it hadn't come across that way at all... It was really just the barest of suggestions. "Take whatever time you need." She Was incredibly nervous about it anyway, so she wasn't against him taking the time he needed to sort through it. She wasn't really suggesting this lightly. The rumor mill would get out of control very quickly and it already was... She hated that the rumor mill even existed... She wasn't sure how much Dimitri listened to it. Hopefully he didn't. If he did, she hoped it wouldn't sway him one way or the other.   He nodded and held her close. "Hopefully it won't take too long. I...just know I need to think a little." She nodded but wasn't sure what to say or do next, so she just rested against him. With his strength, her tiny weight was probably nothing to him. She wouldn't keep him in her room unless he wanted to stay there. But he did and remained until it was time for bed. He only left once Hubert took over for the night.