yet still i hide

Edelgard sat in her room, writing over her journal for the night. Tears misted over her eyes as she looked at the entry. Oh Dimitri... She understood his words, but he didn't understand the pain that had been caused to her. She knew that he had been through his own pain with the Tragedy of Duscur, but he didn't understand what it was to not trust people, how hard it was to let others in. But... Looking at her journal entry... She looked up when she heard the back window of her room open and Hubert made his way in. He frowned while she wiped away her tears. "My lady, what's wrong? Is it anything I can help you with?" She sighed. She really didn't want to talk about this, but she knew it was going to bother her until she got it out of her system. "Hubert, am...am I in the wrong for not considering Dimitri's words, for just...accepting I'm going to die earlier than I should?" She felt like she wasn't but seeing his grief. He'd already lost so much family. His stepmother, his father, and so many other people he cared about. She was the only sibling he had and he was the only remaining one she had left. They were family regardless of what came about of their relationship... Even if he said no to her suggestion, she would always be his sister and he would always be her brother. Hubert sat on the bed near her. She closed her journal and sat it to the side. She felt awful for upsetting Dimitri so much. She hadn't meant to do that, but the fact was her life was cut short. She couldn't have that getting out to the Kingdom beyond Dimitri. People might make long-term plans to try to take advantage of the Empire somehow. And the second Crest she bore... Somebody may very well try to use that somehow too. The Empire would be able to survive without her... She wasn't the only leader it would ever know. It would be fine if she died young, which was her biggest concern. But Dimitri… "Well, my lady, I could give you some things to consider should you wish it. The situation is...complex. Whatever decision you make is the right one in my mind." She sighed and pulled her knees to her chest before giving a weak nod. It was a needlessly complex situation, but it felt cut and dry to her. The Empire would survive without her. It didn't need her to rule for her whole life. What more was there to consider? Well, Dimitri's feelings but… "I think the biggest factor that may or may not sway you one way is your love of family." She frowned at that. He was reading her like a book, but that was how it usually went with them. He knew her far too well. Family was one of the absolute most important things to her. Growing up as she had... She loved her family dearly and treasured them immensely. She would do anything she could for them. "What do you think Her Majesty and the other Imperial women would think if they had to bury you before they died? The last remaining Imperial child. Even if she were an adult... How do think they would feel having to bury her?" Edelgard looked down. That... She hadn't entirely thought of that. She was thinking of the political ramifications if it got out. Juliane had told her once that she retained her kindness and sanity through losing all of the children because she had somebody left to care for. What...What would happen to Juliane if she lost the singular child she had left? There were no other Imperial children. Though, by time Edelgard died, there would be grandchildren for her. Grandchildren Juliane would have to care for and raise without their mother around. Her mind continued to churn for a little while until Hubert spoke again. "What would you say to one of your siblings if they had survived? Would you simply want them to roll over and accept their early death?" That made Edelgard freeze and tears welled in her eyes again. She shook her head vehemently. She...she couldn't just allow them to accept it. They ought to have lived long lives. Full lives. Lives full of love and warmth. Which...was exactly what Dimitri was trying to say to her. She sighed and looked down. She was being stupidly stubborn about this, wasn't she...? "I'm being stupid about this, aren't I? You can be honest, Hubert." She was being stubborn... But it was so hard to open up to people. Even telling Dimitri about it had been incredibly difficult. She didn't want to relive that trauma again. She would just retraumatise herself if she was forced to do that. And she didn't want him telling his friends about it. She just couldn't live with herself if it got out to unnecessary people. "Like I said, my lady, I believe whatever decision you make will be for the best. It's your life after all. I'm merely here to help you along your path." She frowned at that. And she'd leave Hubert bereft of her... That...That also hurt to think about it. She didn't doubt he'd be good to any children she had, but it wouldn't be the same to him. It would be out of obligation there, not personal loyalty like it was to her. She couldn't imagine how badly affected he would be even if he wouldn't show it to anybody. "I don't want this getting out to the Kingdom or Alliance if I can help it..." And she didn't want to go to the Church either. Dimitri knew, but she felt like there was a difference between the Kingdom knowing and Dimitri knowing. He was loyal and wouldn't betray her. He wouldn't just go around telling people. But she doubted his friends would be able to do anything about it. Hubert had all the resources of House Vestra at his disposal. She didn't know what all those included, but she knew it was an incredible amount of resources. and If even he couldn't find anything...how could any mortal with a natural lifespan hope to find an answer to what she'd been subjected to? It might take decades... Decades she didn't have to spare. If no mortal could... Her shoulders slumped. She did not want to go to the Church. At all. But if anybody were to have any answers, it would likely be the people that had been around for the creation of Crests. Which meant Rhea and Seteth. She didn't have decades to spare. She doubted even Professor Hanneman would have the proper answers despite his dedication to the research of the topic. She really didn't have much choice if she didn't want to leave Juliane and Dimitri alone, did she? "I...suppose I'll go speak to Rhea tomorrow." She didn't want to. She really didn't want to. But she had no choice... She would have to. The woman was probably the only one who would know how to remove the Crest of Flames from her and return her natural lifespan.. ☽ Edelgard roused the next morning and laid in bed for just a little while until moving. Hubert had already left by time she got out of bed and she ran through her normal morning routine. However, she did pick Hubert back up from his room after she left her own. She headed deeper into the monastery after that, to a place she never thought she would go. The door stood in front of her, imposing, daring her to turn tail and run. She never thought she'd be going to the Children of the Goddess willingly. After a few deep, slow breaths, she steadied herself as best she could and knocked on Seteth's door then waited to be called in. It only took a few moments to get a response. "You may enter." She let out another breath then steeled herself, entering the office. It was neat but there was a lot of paperwork stacked on his desk. She couldn't imagine how much he had to do... But then again, she would be getting into her own mass of paperwork soon after graduation. She would be ascending the throne. She noticed Seteth blinked before offering a smile. "Oh, good morning Lady Edelgard. What brings you here? Is there a problem with the Academy?" She could smell the strong scent of coffee emanating from around him. She was all too familiar with it due to Hubert drinking it. Not for her personally... Too bitter. She swore Hubert was having a heart attack from the one time she'd tried it and dumped a load of sugar and milk into it to try to dampen the flavor. She sat in the chair across from him and gripped her hands in her lap, shaking her head as she kept her gaze plastered to her hands. "I mean...not unless you count the rumor mill but...nobility is about seventy percent idle gossip." She was pretty aware of the rumor mill at this point. She was not pleased with what they were saying about her and Dimitri, but there wasn't anything anybody could do about it. Yes, she was giving him his space to think about a relationship with her, but they were not sleeping together... They weren't consorting. They hung in a strange place between siblings and lovers right now, but they most certainly were not sleeping together. How...How was she supposed to say what she knew without making him choke? She was pretty sure nobody was supposed to know what she did. "It's...about what happened to the Imperial family. I...believe you and the archbishop would be alarmed to her what happened." That was at least a lead in. She was normally fairly good with her words, but this was hard. It was first thing in the morning before classes began. She didn't want to overwhelm him when he was already clearly overwhelmed with paperwork. "Indeed, sometimes it feels as if though half of my job is trying to discern gossip from the truth. It's a...difficult thing, the rumor mill." That was an understatement if ever there was one. She hated how ladies were the worst of the rumor mill inhabitants… "Should we take this to Lady Rhea or would you like to keep it here for now?" "I'd...rather not relive that trauma more than once if possible." All of her instincts were screaming at her not to do this. She hated the Church. She wanted Rhea dead. They had caused so, so much pain and suffering. But if anybody were to potentially have the answers, it would be those she hated most. The ones who had been around for the creation of Crests. She wasn't sure if they would know what to do though. Still, it was absolutely her best chance to get the Crest of Flames removed. She just couldn't leave Dimitri like that... Whatever haunted him... She didn't want that to happen to him following her death. "I'd...rather not relive that trauma more than once if possible." All of her instincts were screaming at her not to do this. She hated the Church. She wanted Rhea dead. They had caused so, so much pain and suffering. But if anybody were to potentially have the answers, it would be those she hated most. The ones who had been around for the creation of Crests. She wasn't sure if they would know what to do though. Still, it was absolutely her best chance to get the Crest of Flames removed. She just couldn't leave Dimitri like that... Whatever haunted him... She didn't want that to happen to him following her death. Seteth stood and she followed that with her gaze. "It's hard enough to do so once. For what it's worth, you're a brave woman, princess." He sat down his cup. She stood and followed him to the Archbishop's waiting room. She fidgeted with the hem of her shorts and her leggings while she waited. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest for how anxious she was. She was acutely aware of Hubert's presence, but for once, it was of little comfort. She was doing something she'd wanted to avoid for years. Family really was her biggest weakness. If something happened to her family, it would be the easiest way to get her to comply with somebody else's motives... It was a serious risk to the Empire. But she couldn't do anything to change how important they were to her. Rhea took a seat across from Edelgard and, once again, she kept her eyes firmly on her hands which were in her lap. She could feel her barely controlled rage wanting to leak out. But she couldn't risk that coming out. If she did, she might be branded a heretic and put to the sword, ending House Hresvelg once and for all and plunging the country into civil war for which family would take over once her father died. She couldn't risk any of that. So it was best to just keep her eyes down so she didn't say anything unnecessary. "Good morning, princess. I understand you wanted to speak to both of us." She managed a nod despite the rage burning inside of her heart. "Yes... Like I said to Seteth, it's...about how the children of the Imperial family died. I...I'd rather not talk about it more than necessary. It wasn't illness that took my brothers and sisters despite that being the official story. It was a shadowy group that lurks in the darkest places of Fodlan that Hubert and I call those Who Slither In The Dark for lack of a better name... They...tried to imbue my siblings and I with the Crest of Flames...and, well, they succeeded with me." She shook a little bit, hating that this was the second time in less than twenty-four hours she'd had to talk about this. But Dimitri deserved to know. She didn't want him to potentially wed her then be blindsided several decades later with her sudden death. No matter what she did, it was cruel to him. Tell him, it hurt him to know. Not tell him...he lost her early without knowing. There was no winning in this situation for her. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she could feel the energy in the room drop like a rock at sea. Clearly, she had stumbled upon something horrible. "I can only imagine what they put your family through, Edelgard. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy," Seteth said. They were silent for a bit. Edelgard could feel herself starting to visibly shake, not just because of the rage but reliving those memories. It was terrible, so very, very terrible... She wished they hadn't been put through that, but there was nothing she could have done to stop it. These plans were laid out years ago when she was still a child… "I-I don't remember most of it... But what I do remember... It was literal torture..." She was barely holding it together. "Three of my siblings survived for about six months after, but they were mad... Two catatonic, one completely snapped mentally..." It was so hard to talk about. She was glad she couldn't remember most of it. But what she did was horrible enough. She'd still had to watch three of her siblings waste away into nothingness slowly. Including her best friend. Tobias, oh Tobias... She missed him so much. He had always been there for her. When she was at her worst and having tantrums, it was usually him that calmed her down... Even Juliane and Anselma hadn't been able to work with her at her absolute worst. Somehow, Tobias always knew how to handle her. Once again, there was silence for a little while until she heard Rhea's voice. However, it was shaky and a little on the quiet side. "I thought that they had been felled generations ago..." That all but confirmed what the Slitherers had told her about the Children of the Goddess being immortal. She felt like something like that shouldn't have been let slip. Was Rhea not paying attention to her words for some reason? She wanted to look up, but she feared her rage would consume her and she would cross the line of no return with the Church. "Lady Rhea...?" Seteth spoke again. "I assume they told you about...us?" Rhea asked, her voice still quiet. "You can answer after finishing though." Again came Seteth's voice. There wasn't much to finish. Edelgard didn't want to dwell on those memories too much. They were horrible and she'd probably be incapacitated for several days after this. Reliving this was never easy at the absolute best of times. Let alone when she had already told somebody else about all of this less than twenty-four hours beforehand. "A...great deal, yes." She couldn't even deny it. She didn't want to get in trouble, but there was no real way around a question and the obvious answer. But it wasn't like she'd chosen to be taken by those awful people and tortured by them. She really hoped that she wouldn't get in trouble for knowing forbidden things when she hadn't even wanted to in the first place... She knew the Church held back knowledge from the people like Rhea being Seiros... She knew too much. She was a danger. It was just easiest for them to get rid of her now and have it be over with so she didn't go revealing these things to other people. Hubert and Juliane knew, but that was it… She heard Rhea again after a few moments. "Dear princess, I can't imagine bringing any of this up has been easy and I won't force you to tell me everything. You mentioned that they forcibly inserted another Crest into your blood...?" She managed a small nod. "The Church and her resources will help you." Part of her didn't want to believe that. The Church really only hurt people... And Rhea was a heartless beast, incapable of the most basic empathy. "And, Seteth... When this is done, you know what we must do. We cannot allow them to do this again." She raised her shaking hand to reveal the Crest of Flames to them. If anything was proof of her words, it was that. She was just glad she didn't have to show them the scars. That...would have been horribly traumatic for her. She still wasn't really looking at them, just trying to hold herself together. "They wanted me to be their puppet... And Lord Arundel has been body snatched by them... He's not the original Lord Arundel." She had never known her uncle well, but she knew he was one of them. He'd approached her more than once on their behalf. "There may be others in Fodlan." She couldn't be sure, but it seemed likely. If they had infiltrated the Adrestian court to the level of a duke, what was stopping them at Adrestia? What about the Kingdom? The Alliance? Even the monastery? None of it seemed impossible to her. It seemed like they would do whatever they could to gain a foothold in Fodlan's nobility. "It must not have been easy to resist them. And that explains Lord Arundel's sudden personality change," Seteth observed. Honestly, it was easier than he thought... She hated them as much as she hated the Church, though for different reasons. The Slitherers had destroyed her family. They forced several of her mothers to flee. They had killed all of her siblings be it directly or indirectly. She wanted nothing to do with people that had caused so much damage. Why would she want to be loyal to people like that? "Dear child, none of this should have happened to you." She heard Rhea's voice though it was still quiet. "I...don't want to leave my loved ones to suffer." That was really the singular point this came down to. She didn't want Dimitri to suffer without her, whatever capacity they ended up in. Be it romantic or strictly familial, she couldn't leave him. He was her only remaining brother. Even if that was what they were to each other, she was fine with it. She would be happy to have another brother even if it ended there. She didn't want to see him suffer without her. Nor to force her remaining mothers to bury the last remaining child they had. "And we'll do everything we can to ensure that doesn't happen," Rhea agreed. "A second forced Crest isn't natural. Your body will try to reject it which, while it takes a horrible toll on the body, does make it easier to remove since your body will try to expel it on its own." She could feel that much at least... Some days she could be in horrible pain due to that very process. She had learned to deal with it no matter how excruciating it was though. "We will need to meet again to discuss the removal of your second Crest and...to address what they told you. The Church has hidden things over the years and I'm sure they used that to try to rally you to serve them." "I...won't be...done away with for this, will I?" The tears pooled in her eyes and her shaking started anew. She knew a lot. She was a serious threat to the Church and she knew. She wanted Rhea dead, but it wasn't really in her nature to start a war that would plunge all of Fodlan that would cost countless lives. She wouldn't be able to do that. She valued human life far too much even if the Church did so much countless damage to the nobility and commoners alike. If she told others what she knew, it could still cause war even if she didn't declare anything on the Church herself. She was surprised when she felt arms wrap around her and she looked up to see Rhea. "Dear Edelgard, no. The Church has no desire to punish the innocent or victims. Does the information you hold thanks to them worry me? Of course it does. Especially since I have no idea what they told you was truth or lie." Rhea rubbed her back for a moment before pulling back. "I'm sure they brought up our heritage, that we're some sort of mosnters..." She paused. "But if you wish to know the truth... Seteth... Allow the princess to see the Red Canyon. Or, rather, we should take a trip there." "Lady Rhea, are you sure?" She saw Rhea shake her head. "It is not a wound I look forward to returning to, but if the past is being dredged up by our enemies, what choice do we have?" A few stray tears rolled down Edelgard's cheeks. Rhea was just supposed to be some heartless beast... She wasn't supposed to have empathy for humans when she clearly caused so much damage to them. All of the systems that existed by her hand had caused untold damage. She wasn't supposed to be able to show any sort of kindness to anybody. She didn't understand. This conflicted with everything she knew about the woman. She wasn't sure what to say, so she returned her gaze to her hands. A handkerchief entered her view as Rhea handed it to her. "Princess, I'll have you and your loyal retainer excused from classes today. And...we'll prepare for the trip as well as working with Professor Hanneman to extra the additional Crest." She heard Seteth let out a sigh but he didn't say anything more. She nodded a bit. She'd probably just use the day to sleep then... She was still exhausted from everything. The weeks of sleepless nights had been so hard on her. "Okay." It meant she'd have to miss the upcoming mission, but there wasn't much she could do about that really... Though she wasn't sure how restful the sleep would be. Reliving that trauma was never easy. Let alone twice within twenty-four hours. At least she could go to Dimitri and have him rest assured that she'd not roll over and die so easily… With that done and over with, Hubert helped Edelgard back to her room in secrecy before he pulled her into a hug. She buried her face in his chest and shook violently, the tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. She hadn't wanted to reveal any of that to anybody, let alone Rhea and Seteth, but her love for her family was too strong. And potential future family... She didn't want her future children to have to bury their mother earlier than expected. She didn't want Juliane to potentially have to bury her last living child. She didn't know what that would do to the poor woman.... Juliane had once said to her that she retained her kindness because she had someone to care for. What would happen when she lost that last person...? She didn't want to think about it… Eventually she cried herself out, slumped against Hubert. Despite her mind shutting down to the sheer amount of strain on it, she continued to cling to him tightly, afraid to be alone again.