Forever&Ever

      There are a lot of people in the underground as usual. I was lucky enough to go to my parents at the peak of people's activity. But why do I bother? It was Friday, so it was quite expected that there would be a lot of people. Standing in the underground carriage, I noticed a young man with a cake in his hands and thought that it would be nice to buy some presents for my family. This thought made me leave the station early to go to the pastry shop. My eyes fell on the red velvet cake and I immediately remembered my last birthday spent with my family. Candles with the number 20 lit on a cake very similar to the one I had bought, a bouquet of soft pink roses from my dad, balloons and presents... What a good time it was, I should never have appreciated it.       My moving away from my parents came to mind. It was hard to part with my favourite cosy room and native walls. At first the walls of the rented flat were very hard on me. From time to time I asked Oksana to sleep at my place, so that I was not so lonely. Over time I began to organise the flat for myself. Now it is cosy for me, but I still feel lonely.       I arrived at my parents' house at about eight o'clock in the evening. I was met by my faithful dog, who had to stay with my family after I moved away. My Jack-Russell is seven years old now, but he still messes around when I come home.       The flat has undergone some changes since my last visit, which my mum was quick to show me.       I walked into my old room. All that was left of my old life here was only the wardrobe. Everything else had already been changed. Mum left me alone with my thoughts and headed into the kitchen to help Grandma set the table for Dad, who was just getting back from work.       I dug through my memories to remember what my room looked like before I left. It was difficult to do so, despite the fact that I had spent a full five years in that room since we had moved in with my parents. The once white wallpaper had been painted a deep emerald colour. The powder pink curtains had been changed to gold. The bed is different now, too. Everything was completely different. Something prickled in my heart as I walked over to the window. ‘And the sunsets are still the same from my window,’ I thought and folded my arms across my chest, as if to protect myself from my own thoughts that kept cornering me with reminders of growing up. It would never be the same again.       My younger brother, fresh from wrestling practice, burst into the room. Unexpectedly, he swooped in with a hug, ‘Astrid!!!’.       I was surprised, to be honest. I didn't expect my brother to react that way. He's almost 13, but he's still mischievous. It's true what they say, boys grow up much later than girls.       A while later, my dad came home from work, and I ran to hug him like before. It's hard to convey the emotions I felt. It is a full-fledged explosion of emotions, I am full of happiness. Although it seemed like a simple hug, but no! Hugs with my dad are not simple. I haven't seen him for a couple of months, very rarely communicated with him because of his work and my constant busyness. And today, we are gathered again as a family around a huge table, smiling sincerely. It's warm at heart, all fears gone in a flash. It's good to be home. How good it feels to be loved.       A family feast has never been boring in our family. Everyone chats with each other, sharing joys, events, talking about how the day went. I missed the home atmosphere so much. I have never felt as happy as I do now. My parents, my grandparents, my little brother, my favourite dog - all close by! What could be better? The moment my dad brought up the subject of my graduation from university. I knew that my parents were proud of me, because I had always tried to be the best at everything! - Daughter, when's your graduation? Soon? - My dad wouldn't stop. - Yes, Dad, in less than a month. I'll only pass my exams and I'll be free. Suddenly my parents started to discuss me as a child. Only from their lips it sounded so warm, so kind. Honestly, I was a little upset. And it wasn't just me. All my relatives understood that I would soon fly away from my native wing and start my adult independent life. After an awkward moment of silence, Dad began: - ‘All grown up now... Graduating from university... Mum and I have decided to give you a little present before you...’ Dad hesitated, ‘before you embark on your new life. Pack your suitcases, we're paying for tickets to the sea for you to have a good holiday. You choose the date and place, you deserve it.       I was so happy that I thought of nothing better than to jump on my dad's neck and give him a big hug. I didn't forget about Mum, so I hugged her too. I didn't have to think long. I almost immediately told my parents where I wanted to go. My choice was the Philippines. I've been dreaming of travelling for a couple of years now, and now the moment has come. I will finally be able to take a holiday. So excited to share the news with my friends!       That evening I went for a walk with my dog, just like old times. I never thought I would miss walking with my boy so much. It made me realise the transience of time. We think so much about the past and the future that we forget to live in the present. We are always in problems, worries, and then we miss what we can't get back. Although I've done it myself, and I still do.       I stopped, threw my head back to the sky, and took a deep breath. Involuntarily, tears ran down my cheeks. This is the real thing. So peaceful here despite the enormous challenges ahead of me. It's so strange and unfamiliar to feel ‘real.’ One begins to dwell on everything, on breathing, on sensations, on feelings. Bad thoughts of the past rest peacefully in the back of your heart, and future problems are gone altogether. It feels so good to be alive. I am so happy.       I took a ball outside to play with my dog. I was disappointed when I realised that he didn't want to play actively anymore, he just wanted some fresh air. The thought of him getting older had certainly crept into my head, but I didn't think it would happen so soon. It literally squeezed my soul and formed a lump in my chest. I sat down on the nearest bench and beckoned Marcelle over to me. He sat down beside me, and I suddenly cried, full-blooded.       - Forgive me, baby, please. Forgive me! I'm sorry, please!...- I kept saying to my little four-legged friend through the endless stream of tears.       I felt guilty that I didn't spend enough time playing with him, doing what I thought were ‘important’ things. Each tear rolled down my cheek like acid burning burns on my face. Such a common thing it is - growing up, so familiar to many, so expected... But what to do if I'm not ready for it. Not ready for adulthood, for reality...?       Marcel, my favourite boy, climbed onto my lap and began to lick my tears, as if to let me know that everything was okay and he was there for me.       At least that's what I imagined, and the bitter tears flowed with renewed vigour. What is it, Astrid, you're strong!       It took me a few minutes to come to my senses. The pain still lingered, as did the fear, as did the thought of living in the present.       With shaking hands I dialled a number familiar to pain.             ‘Kiryusha.’       Yes, it hurts a lot... At times like this, I find my solace in him. In my first love, in my biggest mistake. Only a couple of beeps passed, when on the other side of the phone I heard: - Yes? - someone answered in a tired voice.       - ‘H-Hello,’ I said into the phone, stammering.       - Oh, Astrid, it's you. What's wrong? - His voice sounded confident, but at the same time very cold, as always. - I'm scared...’ I could only say, before I clamped the back of my hand over my teeth to keep from crying into the receiver. But the sobs came out and sounded as humiliating as possible. - Astrid... You're doing it again, aren't you? Paranoia? What is it this time? - came out of his mouth with complete indifference. I bet he's sitting there playing right now and I'm just in his way. - I miss you. I miss you so much. - I said through my tears into the phone. A heavy sigh and a long silence separated me from this man. My feelings for him always blazed with an unquenchable flame as if doused with thousands of litres of paraffin. But it wasn't mutual. - Astrid... You see, you should stop calling me every time you feel bad a long time ago. We're not a couple, and we never were. I'm tired of telling you year after year that you have to control your bad thoughts. We're not meant to be together. It's time to take off the rose-coloured glasses and live with your eyes wide open. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? I'm sick and tired of you and your problems! Enough already, Astrid! That's enough! - Cyril blurted out in one breath with anger. - You know, do not call me ever again! I have my own life! I have a girlfriend and I love her!       He emphasised the last word especially emotionally and then hung up. I didn't feel like crying anymore. Only the feeling of desolation was not leaving me. It had been there before, but now it felt especially strong. I put the phone in my pocket and took a cigarette out of the pack. I took a couple of deep puffs, and I was finally out of it.       We went for a long walk that evening, came home incredibly tired and went to bed. Me, famously tired and frustrated, and the dog, happy with his time with me.       ‘Why is it so hard to let go of the past?’ That was my last thought before I fell asleep.       My brief sleep was interrupted by a phone call. I answered the call while half asleep.       - Astrid!!! He asked me to marry him!!!!’ Oksana's enthusiastic voice sounded on the other side of the phone.       Sincere joy for my friend came over me in a wave of new emotions. I remembered how we both dreamed of being proposed to. Only then it seemed distant and unreal. Like it wasn't here, not in this life, not with me.       And yet... It's not all that bad... I still have a whole life ahead of me.....