Forever&Ever

      The delicate fragrance of blooming lilacs wafts through the narrow streets of the Capital of Culture. The beginning of June has always had a special atmosphere, especially at the height of the white nights in St Petersburg. It is already evening, but the streets are as crowded as ever. Some are heading home after a hard day's work, some are walking and enjoying the start of summer holidays, some are still studying and taking their summer session.       A light breeze rubs the girl's brown hair, but she doesn't even pay attention. Her eyes look tired and stare somewhere in the distance, it seems she is about to fall on the damp asphalt and cry from lack of strength. But she keeps going, because she is literally two steps away from her dream. Even from her school years she was sure that she would become a successful economist. All 4 years of her bachelor's degree at university she was motivated by the thought that very soon she would be able to support herself independently. Who knows if money will make her happier? Or is she wrong? Astrid - that's what her friends and family call her. She has gorgeous brown hair, deep green eyes and a charming smile. Many could highlight her strengths, and this is ambitiousness and purposefulness. She cannot be called a narcissist, but she knows what she is worth and will not let herself be wronged. You could call her perfect, but she has a few qualities that constantly pull her into a depressive abyss. Naivety and the ability to become strongly attached emotionally to people.       No matter how many horrible people fate threw her way, she kept opening up to people and trusting them. Even she herself couldn't understand why she continued to trust people. Maybe because she still believed in people's kindness and honesty? Very naive. Very Astrid. She's definitely the kind of person who would lend a shoulder for a friend to cry on. The girl will stand up for the weak without a second thought, even if the biggest bully is in front of her. Although she looks cute, but she has the right character. Astrid can be called strong, because she always remains herself, even in difficult situations, when there seemed to be no way to solve the problem, she looked for a way out and found it. She always coped with everything. It is very difficult for her to show her emotions, that's why many people attribute to her the status of ‘bitch’, until they get to know her better.       In the morning, the day didn't go well. The classes were very long. Even my once favourite maths subjects seemed incredibly boring and uninteresting. But there was no point in complaining. There was just a little bit left. Just to pass the last exams and get the long-awaited diploma. Four years of bachelor's degree, although incredibly hard, flew by very quickly. Although now, going back in time, I remember the pictures of sleepless nights spent with textbooks and notebooks. I have always loved studying. It's been with me since primary school. Since childhood, I was taught to finish any work started and to do it in the best possible way, almost perfectly. Such a position not once broke me from the inside, because until I learn and understand the material, I will exhaust my body to the end. Hence the addiction to tobacco. Some unsuccessfully completed business makes me very much caught up in myself and only smoking allowed me to relax and detach myself from all the bad things that surround me. Do I realise that smoking is bad? Of course you do. We've all been told this truth as children. Unfortunately, or fortunately, this addiction has replaced another, even worse addiction - addiction to human beings. It took me almost five years to get over a man. A boyfriend. A first love.       I was brought out of my thoughts by the teacher. A forty-five-year-old woman was staring at me, waiting for my answer.       - Repeat what I said,’ the teacher ordered in a commanding tone.       - I'm sorry... I was thinking!... - I replied in a tired voice.       - Astrid, if I didn't know you, I'd kick you out of the classroom. There's 20 minutes left in the class, so please bear with me. - the teacher said in a slightly sarcastic tone.       - And I have two more...- I replied in a sarcastic whisper. So that only my classmates, who were sitting on my left and right hands, could hear me.       No, I'm always respectful of teachers. It's just that this person has drank many litres of blood for me over the last year. She literally ripped my grades away from me to get a red diploma. Well, she'll get it back someday. I'm gonna make it to the top without an honours degree!       - Why two? Sasha, my classmate, a cute boy with sky-coloured eyes, clarified with incomprehension.       - We still have a pair of ‘Insurance’ and an additional pair for freshmen at her. Our kind soul still manages to tutor freshers in Maths Analysis,’ Timur, my other classmate, cut me off. It sounded too loud and quite sarcastic, but he continued, only in a whisper and leaning towards Sasha through me, ‘Why would she even do that?’ he asked more to himself than to Sasha. I just ignored their monologue. Grown guys, and they don't understand elementary things. Wouldn't they like it if they had one more maths pair in their first year than they had in the timetable?       I remember myself as a first year student. Looking at the board and not understanding a lot of things. Of course, I am not dumb, but there were times when I was too tired and because of lack of sleep I just couldn't get into the subject. Thankfully, then I did figure it out, and closed the session with an excellent grade.       I don't make any money from it. It's purely for myself. When else am I going to be able to explain maths to anyone in the future? That's right, the universe alone knows, or God - whoever has the worldview for what.       I don't even want to get into it now. I won't learn anything new.       I spent the rest of the class in my own thoughts. What will happen next? I will get a higher incomplete education... Should I go on to a master's programme? Do I even need it? Will I even be able to get a job in my profession? I wonder if they will hire me in some international company, I studied to be an economist in an international company... Gosh, so many questions and so few answers. It's scary to even imagine... What if I don't succeed and I've wasted years of study? That's what scares me the most.       Four years ago, I felt the same way I feel now. Fear of the future. I don't know what I will do, what prospects await me, what people will surround me? I closed my eyes and imagined I was standing on the threshold of something grandiose and frightening. The future was like a white sheet - clean, but even scarier. Every opportunity seemed to be both a chance and a trap. What if I choose the wrong one? If I disappoint my parents? If I turn out to be... not good enough?       I took a deep breath, trying to stop the trembling in my fingers. But the fear didn't go away-it just changed masks. It was the icy dread of unemployment, the burning shame of thinking I'd ‘wasted my time,’ the crushing weight of expectation.       But somewhere in there, underneath all those layers of anxiety, there was a tiny spark. A spark of curiosity. Because the future isn't just fear. It's also freedom.       - And all on Astrid's fragile shoulders...- As if reading my mind, Timur said. He was lying on the palm of my hand, leaning on my elbow and the desk. Looking into my soul. - What are you thinking about?       - Huh? What are you doing? - I looked into the young man's brown eyes.       He's staring at me intently. Curly strands of hair fall neatly on his face, and the rays of sunlight shining through the windows of the university auditorium, beautifully illuminate his amber eyes, slightly squinted from the sun.       - You look sad... Is something wrong? - my classmate asked me. The same one.       - Just tired, I'm fine, thanks,’ I replied and turned away towards the window. What a beautiful weather...       Why am I here now, having to study for exams...I should go for a walk now or go to bed. That's right. Right now.       I took my notebook off the table and lay down on the desk.       - I'm not even surprised at you,’ Metis grinned.       It's a nickname I gave him four years ago. I don't even remember why, to be honest. For me he was and still is Metis - a responsible classmate, sometimes a tedious conversationalist, but still a good friend.       The bell rang to leave the class. It was a good time to go outside the university and smoke a cigarette before the last two pairs. It was hard to carry such a huge load on my shoulders. I headed for the exit and I heard: ‘Ooh, smoker,’ from the same bloke. He'd been messing with me all these years.       He caught up with me quickly enough, and now we're outside the uni together. There's a full fifteen minutes to exhale and relax.       I'm wearing a light white shirt and loose black trousers. I've never had a specific style or very good taste in clothes. But I dress simply and tastefully enough.       I pulled out an almost finished pack of Parliaments, took one cigarette out of it and squeezed it between my lips. Metis accompanied my actions with an unkind look.       - Are you going to have one? - I asked my classmate, holding out the open pack to him.       - No, I don't ruin my lungs with tobacco. - He cut me off abruptly and continued to scrutinise me with his gaze.       I took a deep puff and closed my eyes to stop thinking about the problems that were constantly pressuring me. I felt calmer at once, and in a moment I even felt happy. - Have you found a job yet? We have a little while to go before the end...’ Metis said thoughtfully, ’...Before the new beginning.       He was still staring at me, as if trying to read my mind. Indeed, it was time to get a serious job. Childhood was over. But I let that thought go with another exhalation of tobacco smoke.       - I haven't decided yet,’ I said in a calm tone. ’What about you? I think they offered you a good position in some company. He inhaled heavily and leaned on the railing that bounded him and the Griboyedov Canal. Now his gaze was thoughtfully fixed on the water.       - It has been suggested. I'm still thinking about it too. There are some nuances - his look became visibly sad and I bet he was thinking about his problems too.       - Well, I'm sure you'll make the right choice. Any plans for the summer yet? - I decided to get him out of his thoughts.       - Not much. Let's see, maybe I'll finally go abroad, I want to have a rest. But first of all I had to go to Kovid, then to the war, then to my studies - I didn't have time to rest. - He answered and turned round to face me, but still leaning on the concrete railing behind him.       I finished my cigarette, put it out and threw it in the bin. Metis accompanied my actions with a look.       - When are you going to quit? - Timur asked me with an unusual seriousness, frowning his eyebrows.       I just ignored his question. I don't know. I blame myself for finding solace in tobacco. But I have my reasons. While the rest of my classmates were holding hands, hugging, kissing, I was alone. It just so happened that the ones I liked didn't have feelings for me. I actually stopped wrapping my head around relationships. Besides, why get into a relationship if you still haven't let go of your first love with your heart and soul. Yes, with cigarettes I learnt to ignore thoughts of him, but any manifestation of him in my life, whether it's a chance meeting in which we just spend each other a look, or a job interview in the company in which I tried to get a job half a year ago. I couldn't bear to look at him, it hurt. Even for someone as strong as me.       - Hey, come on, we've got a class coming up, we need to get a seat at the lecture, or our class will take over again and we'll have to sit in the front seats,’ Metis said, pulling me toward the university entrance.       - There are only two classes left,’ I reassured myself.       I was about to enter the university when I got a call on my phone.       - Metis, I'll catch up with you,’ I blurted out and turned around to get away from the noisy group of students and finally answer the call. It was Mum.       - Hi!’ I heard my mum's cheerful voice on the other side of the screen. - Are you coming to visit us this weekend?       - Yes, I'll be home at eight o'clock, - I answered with warmth in my voice.       - Okay, we're waiting! - I heard softly from my mum.       That was the end of the conversation. And I headed towards the entrance of the university. When       I moved away from my parents and moved closer to the university, I started to appear at home less and less often, though I was always welcome there. However, the room that once belonged to me is now in the possession of my grandparents. They live with my parents so that they can be there in case things get bad. I don't mind. I'm used to living on my own, although at first it was very difficult, almost unbearable.       With thoughts of carefree years, when I lived together with my relatives, simultaneously warming my soul and hurting my heart, I entered the right classroom and looked around for a free seat. Metis settled down next to the guys from the other group of our stream. And I stood still until my friend Oksana called me. She waved her hand at me so that I noticed her. - Sit down to me! - I heard from the other end of the classroom.       I smiled and thought ‘how good it is that I have her’.       Oksana is a cute girl, with dark curly hair and very long natural eyelashes. She has a frail build, but will be stronger in spirit than many guys. She and I became friends in our first year, after another guy stood me up. She supported me then and we started talking more often.       I sat down next to her and pulled out my laptop.       - What are your plans for tonight? - sincerely asked my friend, glanced meekly at me and again looked at the screen of her phone.       - First I'll spend a dop on matan, then I'll go to my parents, I haven't been to them for a long time. Why? - I answered with a sense of fatigue and a note of bitterness in my voice.       - I'm going on a date, I thought you'd help me pick out an outfit,’ she said with a heavy sigh.       - I'm sorry, it won't work... - I answered and hugged Oksana.       Another lecture, which was very long and monotonous, was burning up my time. While the teacher was telling me something, I was leafing through vacancies for the position of an economist. Who would have thought that it is so hard to find a job, even after getting a higher education. Some of them have work experience in the requirements, others have low salary, others have something else.       I leaned back in my chair and immediately regretted it, because I bumped my head against the top of some guy's head.       I rubbed the back of my head and apologised while my friend tried to stay calm and didn't start laughing at the whole audience. Truth be told, she wasn't very good at it.       - Well, you got your revenge,’ my friend blurted out and laughed.       I didn't realise what she meant until I looked back at the guy. He was the same guy who'd stood me up once and made me forget all about relationships.       Yeah, I got my revenge.       After my class was over, I said goodbye to my friends and headed towards the auditorium where the extra class for freshmen would be held. I opened the office so the guys could come in, and I went to the vending machine to get a coffee and cheer myself up a bit. A latte with mint syrup is what makes me think of my teenage years and first love. But those are just direct associations, I actually just liked the mint syrup.       When I got back to the auditorium, I was a little surprised to see my classmate in the third row among the rest of the junior class. Metis was on his phone while I was getting out the drafts of the assignments I'd been working on last night.       - Okay, good afternoon, today I suggest you remember the limits and do a version of the checkpoint you'll have next week.       I'm not their teacher, but it's my responsibility to explain to them the topics they've missed and bring them up to speed. To be honest, I enjoyed it a lot, standing at the blackboard and cleverly explaining a topic I didn't understand before. The students who studied with me were respectful of me and almost always sat quietly, not making too much noise.       I wrote a task on the blackboard and asked them to solve it. It was a topic I had explained in the previous lessons, so everyone started to solve it. Everyone except Metis, who smiled and looked at me with his arms folded across his chest.       I realised he was here to mess with me, of course. Timur, and not to mess with me. No, he'd never come to my dopers before, but this must be a special occasion.       - Astrid, I don't understand. Explain! - I heard him.       - You should have gone to class, Timur!)-I smiled meekly and began to write down the solution on the board.       He stood up abruptly and came up to me, snatched the chalk from my hands and began to write down the solution himself.       - Metis, what are you doing? - I asked him in a whisper. He was obviously trying to piss me off.       - Solving, as you can see. Remembering the old days,’ he said, still smiling wryly.       I stood at the side of the board and leaned against the lectern. He was always a little smarter and smarter than me, and I liked him for that, but only as a friend.       After a while I started saying: Guys, here is an example of a classic error in solving this assignment.       Metis looked at me disapprovingly, but he let me go to the board and watched. An excellent maths student had somehow lost to a good student who'd been competing with him for years without a second thought.       I erased the wrong solution and began to explain the correct one.       - I was testing you! - shouted Metis and returned to his seat.       I spent the rest of the time explaining to the guys the solution to the tasks from the checkpoints, and Timur kept nagging me with his eyes. He probably thought I was a phoenix bird that would burn up and be reborn.       He attacked the wrong one, what can I say.       After the dope I said goodbye to the guys and started to pack to finally go home after a hard week of study.       I left the classroom with Metis.       - Happy? - I asked sarcastically.       - Very. I didn't realise you were so smart,’ he said, his seriousness gone. We came out of uni, it was very fresh and beautiful outside. White nights, beautiful crimson sunsets - that's why I adore St. Petersburg. We both walked towards the metro in silence. I had no desire to talk to anyone because I was tired, and he was just drowning in his thoughts.       - I want to consult with you about the company, will you take a look? - and handed me his phone.       I started to read the email. It turned out that it was written by a representative of the same company he was called to. They offered a very good salary, with a few zeros after the decimal point.       I looked at Metis with surprised eyes and said: Are you a fool to ask me, of course you accept. What other graduate would be offered such a salary?! Go and don't think twice. In case of anything you can always quit and start your own business like you always dreamed of!       He smiled for some reason, probably because he thought it was cute that I remembered that kind of information about him.       - Okay, thank you,’ he finally blurted out. Honestly, it was unusual to see him with a smile, a kind one.       Usually he looks very serious, or on the contrary, with a smile like a cat that went into the slippers of the owner.       Already on Gostinka our paths had diverged. Our houses were in the opposite direction from each other.       We wished each other a good weekend and hugged each other goodbye, as always.       It's so strange to realise that very soon we will be separated by bridges. Each of us will be taken somewhere far away. And even promises to see each other will become just memories, because further each of us has his own way, his own road of life.       There's a big change ahead that I'm afraid to think about. I've grown up too fast. That little Astrid is gone, and she never will be. She's out there somewhere, far away, beyond reality. Where it's always peaceful, where there are no serious problems, where mum and dad are close by, where friends are loyal and sincere.