You are really here

That whimper was promptly followed by another and then a third and also a fourth one. They were all quite soft, you could even say barely audible, but in Jinshi's ears, they were even louder than the thunder still raging outside through the night. And louder than the angrily blowing wind and the drumming of the rain against the window right next to the bed. Shocked and almost paralyzed, Jinshi was watching Maomao's tears run down her face without any end in sight. He could feel some of them getting on his chest and the rest soaking the bedsheets the two of them were lying on. For a few moments, he was unable to move even one muscle, and his mind was totally blank. Being confronted with the entirely unexpected sight of her tears, the young lord felt completely overwhelmed and helpless. He had not the tiniest clue what to do and sensed that he was slowly, but surely about to panic once more. Just like the previous evening. "Maomao... Maomao! What's the matter?!" Suddenly, he broke out of his paralysis and grabbed Maomao under her knees, intending to pick her up and rush to Suiren with her in his arms. Never in his life had he found himself in a situation where he had to comfort someone who was crying, hence he felt pretty much lost now. But then he suddenly stopped in his tracks and lowered his gaze. Maomao's thin fingers were clenching his clothes. As if she unconsciously wanted to convey to him that she wanted him to stay where he was. That she needed him. Her face was twisted in distress. Jinshi widened his eyes and mouth. Then he silently raised his right hand... ...and slapped himself across the face. Hard. The slap resounded loud and clear through the dark room. Jinshi's cheek was red and burning, but at least, he had managed to return to his senses. He was mad at himself. "The hell am I actually doing?!" he ranted in his thoughts. "She needs my comfort! Mine! I've promised her just now to be there for her, so there's no way I rush to Suiren the second I see a problem arise! What kind of hypocrite would that make me, then?" Filled with new-found determination, he pulled the crying apothecary even closer to his body and started to kiss her once more. And to whisper affectionate words into her ear, hoping that they would reach her. "Are you having a bad dream right now? You poor thing... Shhh, don't be afraid, no one will do you any harm. I'm here and I'll protect you!" She had comforted him so many times already with her mere presence and had been his supporting pillar, so now it was his turn to become hers. Maomao's small, shivering hands were still desperately clutching his clothes. Jinshi placed his own, large and warm one on top of one of hers and caressed it lovingly with his thumb, like he had already done several times in the past. However, this time not in order to seek comfort, but to give it. But her grip remained firm. In an attempt to suppress the feeling of anxiety that was about to emerge once more, Jinshi gulped heavily and took a few deep breaths. He had understood that he first needed to relax himself in order to be able to properly soothe Maomao. Because how was she supposed to calm down if she could hear his heart pounding like crazy right near her ear? In the end, an idea occurred to him. Pressing his hand against Maomao's back, he slowly and carefully shifted into a sitting position on the bed and placed the sleeping apothecary once again on his lap, letting her lean against his upper body. She still kept whimpering, and her teary face was briefly illuminated by lighting flashing through the sky. Jinshi's heart contracted. He took another deep breath and stroked her bangs with worry, before wrapping her into the blankets and hugging her with both arms once more. Next, the young lord slightly turned his head to the side, and his gaze fell onto the table and the remaining medicine standing on it. Perhaps he should wake up Maomao and let her drink some more? But after pondering over it for a while, he discarded that idea, because he had no clue whether that would be the right decision. She was the apothecary there, not him, and he had also given her a dose the previous evening. So maybe another one would already be an overdose and possibly dangerous for her? And if he woke her up to ask her about it, she would probably not be able to give him an answer due to the condition she was currently in. Thus, he decided to not take any unnecessary risks and to keep comforting her for now, instead. He gave the apothecary a kiss on the nose and let out a depressed sigh, closing his eyes for a moment. To be honest, as stupid as it sounded, he found it still a bit hard to believe that he was really seeing her cry. It was somehow surreal to him, almost like a hallucination. The young lord flinched at these absurd thoughts and shook his head. "Why am I actually that surprised? You're only human, too," he muttered, putting his cheek on her head. Just like him, Maomao was no supernatural being or anything like that. Putting their status, background and all these things aside, the two of them were nothing but humans. And even though she didn't show her feelings very often, it didn't mean she didn't possess any. Humans had feelings and humans cried. Hence, there was really no reason for him to be that astonished. Exactly. For Maomao had said it herself: no matter what people might think of Jinshi and no matter what they might call him, he was no celestial nymph, but a human being. And naturally, it was the same for her: no matter how unique and special she might look in his eyes and no matter how much he secretly admired her for her intelligence and bravery, she was still only human, as well. And even though he had always been aware of that fact and constantly reprimanding Maomao when she was going too far in his opinion and risking her health with her "experiments" and, by ingesting poison, even her life, he still did have the unconscious impression from time to time as if that petite young woman was some sort of unshakable and invincible being. As if nothing nor anyone was able to harm her. Which was complete nonsense, of course... Yes, she was a tough one, indeed, as he had managed to recognize with time. But invincible? No, far from it. "You know, I think I can actually understand you somehow..." he mumbled after some time while putting one of his hands on her head and starting to stroke her hair. "After all, I know exactly what it means to constantly have to hold back your feelings, because, except for Suiren and Gaoshun, no one ever cared for mine. My whole life, I was forced to act like high nobility and then also play the role of the beautiful eunuch. If you do things like that, then one day, you reach the point where you're not able to cry in front of others anymore, no matter how much you're suffering. Or to cry at all. You're swallowing your tears until it becomes too much, and you're unable to take it anymore. Is it perhaps... the same for you?" The young noble wondered how many people, apart from him, had ever seen the apothecary in such a helpless and vulnerable state. Very few, he assumed. Perhaps only those who had raised her... Just like in his case. He, too, had shown his most vulnerable side, except for Maomao, only ever to Suiren and Gaoshun. Jinshi had the feeling as if he understood Maomao now better than ever. One could even claim that her tears had opened his eyes. But despite all that understanding, he still could barely bear seeing her like that. "Don't be afraid, Maomao... I'm here... really here..." He had no clue if she could really sense his presence while sleeping, but he hoped so. Her face was pressed against him, and her tears running down his bare chest. Seeing her sick was already incredibly painful. But seeing her cry as well without knowing what the exact reason for her suffering was and what she was currently dreaming about, was indeed nothing but a living hell. Jinshi felt as if his heart was about to start bleeding any moment. "Everything is alright, Maomao... shhh... You're not alone anymore. I'm here with you." She had accepted his most human sides without any hesitation, so it was only fair and natural for him to do the same and accept hers as well. And he was more than ready for it. In that very moment, they were neither a noble and a commoner nor a lord and his servant, but just two people who needed each other. He was perceiving her accelerated heartbeat while holding her close to his body and on his lap and gently kissing away the tears from the corners of her eyes. As if he wished to free her from anything that was causing her pain. To pull her out of the lonely, scary darkness and into the warm light. His light. After some time, Jinshi finally raised his head and gulped lightly. Then he approached her ear, blushing a bit. Whispering a nickname to her that he had never dared to pronounce out loud before. "Can you hear me... Xiaomao? Please let me be your anchor... at least for tonight..." The heavy thunderstorm was still raging outside, in the meantime. As if it was depicting the battle that was taking place inside Maomao right now. A few minutes later, Jinshi wrapped the two blankets a bit tighter around Maomao, raised her a bit and finally started to carefully rock her in his arms, as if she were a child. "Shhh. Don't cry, my little one... my little cat... don't cry," he whispered to her between kisses.