Extraversion Of Death

Illustration: https://sun9-28.userapi.com/impg/15IszOPp4QDkTcde_TQ5yvyCtDiTXslHeEYKMw/ldeMmNZTqC0.jpg?size=2252x1264&quality=95&sign=27d885df89d654acd316355afc6eebef&type=album *** The harm that a person causes to himself is thousands of times stronger and will never be compared to that caused by his most sworn enemy © Marianne *** “It’s enough to score nine milligrams for a standard joint”, I scrolled in my head as Theo counted out the weight for Jade, “And let them smoke without throwing their heads back — so the hash will get enough sleep, and they will need to buy again”, the guy taught his friend how to pull more money out of teenagers, and I literally said all his words She memorized it for the future, tying it to the memories of how she smoked her first cigarette, so that they were definitely burned into the skull thanks to associations. “Here, it will come in handy” Jade handed me mints to say goodbye so that I don’t get burned at home on the first day, “and here’s another thing,” she sprinkled burnt vanilla perfume on my hands and sweater, “it will kill the smell.” A good friend — instead of giving up on such rubbish, she chose to disguise it. And what? Let’s pretend that nothing is happening — that’s the easiest way. And I was still holding back my laughter, comparing the original brand perfume from Tom Ford, which Lottie used, and Jade’s fake. Of course, she didn’t want to give in to her in anything. But such stupid rivalry in adolescence leads to nothing but nonsense. “You should be in the studio,” something never changed: I just crossed the threshold of the house and took off my shoes, as Andre immediately began to drive through my brain while my mother was fussily preparing food, “Or did you leave earlier?” he was suspiciously calm; with this upcoming wedding and the hassle, he stopped being himself. “Listen, Dad,” I deliberately emphasized the second word with mockery, “I won the competition. And I go there four times a week, instead of three times,” he nodded contentedly, “can I go out with a friend sometimes?” in general, I became bolder in talking to him. “Who is this girl?” Mom seemed genuinely interested. “I treated her to your cakes on the very first day” it’s amazing how much has happened since that time. It sounded plausible, so they fell behind — and they didn’t have to know about the guys pushing drugs at all. And the fact that I smoked for the first time in my life, too. Andre was just sitting at the table with his huge cigar, and for the first time it didn’t annoy me, but on the contrary, I saw the benefits. In the living room, sitting on the windowsill, he usually smoked and left piles of packs, not really counting their number. Smokers are actually quite absent — minded-and I was becoming extremely resourceful and quirky. Realizing that Ryan would still invite me to smoke with Lottie or Jade, I just couldn’t lose face! We need to prepare. That’s why I started stealing cigarettes from my stepfather. They were terribly expensive — and I was happy with my discovery; it would definitely help to strengthen the company even more. Andre didn’t notice anything — with my mother’s toxicosis and endless care for her, it was possible to go crazy. And it’s good that I was practically absent from home and only came to sleep. Starting on Monday, I hung out with this company on breaks and felt more confident than ever — I had a pack of Dunhill with four cigarettes in my pockets, and this is very prestigious. “Damn! I didn’t even notice how it ended.” And here is my moment of glory! Ryan crumpled the empty pack in frustration. “Here,” I held one out while he lit it and took a drag, looking at me in confusion. “And you?..” I was standing next to him, not wanting to smoke. “And I already…” it’s a lie, but I didn’t want to get hooked on this stuff. In general, from that day on, I became the main sponsor of cigarettes — and this really annoyed Lottie. You bet! Gradually, but I took her place. And again I didn’t go to the studio — I was already afraid to open a dialogue with Louis… there were fifty messages hanging there. He was so intrusive and annoying that I was afraid of becoming the same towards Ryan. On Wednesday morning, I got completely brazen and stole a full pack from Andre. I knew that I would have to supply the whole company for three whole days, so I decided on this desperate step. “Viv,” he always called Mom by her favorite acronym, “did you put the pack away?” he discovered the loss pretty quickly. “Who needs your cigarettes?” Mom answered him irritably, not controlling her emotions. Her mood swings were becoming more pronounced. My stepfather had a whole pack missing — but he didn’t understand how it happened, so he couldn’t blame anyone. When he looked at me questioningly, I just shrugged my shoulders, looking as detached as possible. However, I did everything to deflect suspicion from myself. Yes… I’ve never stolen. Earlier. This company was slowly poisoning my life, and I didn’t even have time to finally become a part of it! When I finally decided to smoke with them, I unknowingly choked on coughing again. The cigarette smouldered between his fingers just like that… But I was afraid of embarrassing myself even more. Now I spent almost every break and after — school time with them — I bought cigarettes for everyone, even Lottie — so I put myself above her. In the lessons, of course, the struggle for leadership continued, but without any aggression, or something. It seemed to have become my curse — at home I also fought with my stepfather for my mother’s attention. The shortage has created a struggle. But a person never has enough, unlike the forces that he has in a limited supply. If at first I only skipped classes in the studio, now I felt determined to skip classes as well — Jade and Theo appeared at college less and less often, and I sat alone. A friend spent an unfair amount of time with this guy, and this distanced him from Ryan. Tips sat down with Lottie in all the lessons, and it offended me every time — of course, until they invited me to go out for a smoke together. One cigarette after another was leaving them, and I dreamed of returning home just to get them another pack. But still, I felt involved in this company. It’s better than feeling alone in a crowd — as it turned out during the quarrel with Jade. Despite the fact that Ryan quietly skipped ordinary lessons, he managed to get high scores on tests and surveys! During his absence with Lottie, I was bursting with anger at the seams! I felt like the most flawed person in the world. I wanted to pull out her hair, roll her across the wet floor and kick her in the small of her back so that she would break in half. Being in her place was all I needed. She always smiled her most angelic smile, even if she was acting like a bitch. “Why is she like this?” on rare occasions, Lottie didn’t show up at college, and I went with Ryan. I never missed a chance to be alone. “We’ve known each other since childhood,” he looked increasingly nervous and irritated, “and she’s being raised only by her father. And her mother is setting up her career in the states”. That didn’t excuse her cruelty. Just last day, she did everything to throw me off balance — she continued to threaten to denounce me if I started marking her omissions. And I had no doubt that she was capable of it. Of course, the panic fear of losing Ryan spoke for her. “My father knows her, so for a while I had filming in Los Angeles,” and again he turned the topic to himself, and I perfectly remembered the posts from there, “Alain has so much work in the Senate that he does not bring her up at all,” Types, in fact, was annoyed by this the girl, because she was imposed on him, “but he regularly transfers a thousand euros to her card”, is, of course, a spoiled child. These conversations always brought us closer, but he could only be sincere if he smoked or used something. At other times, he was twitchy and angry — except on days when Theo showed up: such moments became a real holiday; Ryan got interest and sparkles in his eyes — especially if they were discussing something while sitting together. The man was transformed in an instant, and I adored him more and more every day. The idol from the posters became an idol in life… By the way, he was going to come to the concert — since I’ll be there too, he’ll just stay for the afterparty. Of course, I didn’t always manage to steal cigarettes from my stepfather—and then Theo helped out. Well, as he helped out, he carried hand-rolled cigarettes with him. A couple of times before the concert, at college, Ryan smoked weed, sitting behind bushes on the patio with Lottie, where we usually sat. It was as if my soul was being pulled out of me at those moments — I should be in her place! They formed their own, separate world, which I did not get access to. And instead of studying, they calmly blew out clouds of smoke, standing with a joint in their hands. After such gatherings, the guy became excessively calm… There was indifference on his face, and an endless mist in his eyes. He smoked a drug banned in our country — but it had a positive effect on him… That’s what I thought. Detachment is better than bitterness, isn’t it?.. *** “I don’t like this color of the walls,” the degree of nervousness at home was also rising, “it’s just as nauseating as you are,” my mother poked at the interior design brochure, and my stepfather had to endure all her dissatisfactions. “Let’s look at the crib and start from its color,” Andre had not completely lost his mind with her; she was really becoming unbearable — the second, and even more so, the unexpected pregnancy was exhausting her too much. They had just finished preparations for the wedding, when mom came up with a “wonderful” idea — to arrange repairs, redevelop the house and update all the furniture — so that the newborn would enter the environment created especially for him. We didn’t even know his gender, and I was already insanely jealous! All this, of course, served as a crack in our relationship with her. I couldn’t fix anything and was experiencing this pain in the background. A helpless lump of anger, ready to channel energy into anything. However, I found a use for it pretty quickly. “You’re not going to give up studio classes, are you?” came a message from Louis after twenty ignored ones, when I still answered the previous thirty. It seems that he really followed me and asked about my visits from everyone who went on the same days. “Why are you doing this?” “What?” “Worried about me” “Because I’m afraid.” I somehow didn’t really wonder what exactly was scaring him, so I continued. “Stop it.” “I can’t stop being afraid.” “No. Worry about me” “You’re asking for the impossible.” “Don’t become like my stepfather. He makes me sick.” “I’m not going to date your mom.” For the first time since our last meeting, I was really smiling. He could cheer up when no one else was capable. We exchanged dozens more messages, and the relationship improved. While spending time with Ryan, I put on a hangman’s smile, pretending that everything was fine. These emotions only seemed alive to me. That’s why I went to the studio on Friday, afraid of being excluded from the group. Lottie, you should be happy — I finally got off. Louis came too, and I took it out on him, including passive aggression. But he always managed to make me laugh. “You see, I’m here, as promised,” sitting down at a table, I began to cut fabric for a doll’s dress, “and you could have been home a long time ago,” the lyceum students had classes on other days, “really there’s nothing else to do?” “Believe me, playing the guitar when your sister is fucking in the next room is a little hard,” and I was wondering if Lina was starting to walk less often, “her relationship was developing very rapidly.” And Zoe was missing… and they actually had to rehearse songs before the concert. “Next time, give her a gag and a soft mattress,” he grinned, “maybe she’ll take the hint.” “I think it’s much more complicated.” “Well, you know, at least it’s your sister, not your mom.” I turned away from him, starting to circle the drawing, just to calm down. “Is it because of her and your stepfather that you’re so nervous?” Yes, Louis thought through every word in advance and did not succumb to my provocations. “You need to study to be a psychologist,” I, like a madwoman, drew one line several times, “you will definitely succeed.” “I’ve never thought about it,” he blinked quickly and moved closer, “so what happened to you?” Louis was becoming exactly the person I wanted to tell everything to. But she couldn’t. If you talk about the problems out loud, they will become more real. And I liked to think it was a short-term nightmare. “Repair. Capital repair,” I managed to say a little bit, “and it will last for the entire period of her pregnancy.” “You will now be in the same position as me,” we were united even more than I could have imagined, “with the birth of my sister, my parents began to devote less and less time to me,” he pulled the guitar out of the case and now held the neck with his right hand and the pick in his left, “even despite the fact that there are three of them.” I somehow missed the fact that he has three parents, but I was surprised by something else. “This guitar…” “Yes, specially made to order for lefties.” Apparently, his father was well versed in music, if he allowed his son such a luxury. Louis started playing a melody-a cover of one of Jeffrey’s songs, and he did it masterfully — because because of the musical noise of the original, in principle, it was difficult to make something recognizable on an ordinary instrument, and not in a special program. Everyone in the audience could rehearse by taking a turn so as not to create chaos. So, no one resisted such an unobtrusive background. In general, being with him turned out to be like going into a freshly ventilated room or lying down on a freshly washed sheet — very good. We called again, as if nothing had happened, and he even entertained Adele, who came on Sunday, with his voice from a distance, with his made-up stories while I pored over my lessons. On Monday, it hit me—when I saw Ryan again, I started ignoring Louis. Damn it? Yes. The closer I got to one, the more I moved away from the other. Ryan didn’t show much interest in Charlotte in my presence, but if Theo was around… Three days before the concert, Lambert showed up at the college without Jade, along with a hash tile. Ryan, having lit a cigarette, relaxed and floated away from us, and the air smelled of incense; Theo offered me too, but in exchange for a bunch of cigarettes — he himself blew like a steam locomotive, and I was already afraid for his lungs. I didn’t have with me as much as I needed for the sake of one unfortunate joint, so I stood with unnecessary cigarettes and felt my heart falling from my chest to my feet, literally… Lottie pulled his earlobe with her lips, hanging on his neck, and Ryan pulled her closer to his waist, kissed her hard, deepening his tongue and noticing how Theo was standing alone, smoothly felt the fabric of the girl’s sweater with his fingers and plunged his palm under her, exploring her naked body. Porn was literally happening in front of my eyes, and I stood paralyzed, tormented by burning pain inside and struggling with the feeling of approaching vomiting… Ryan turned on in earnest and kneaded the girl’s breasts, getting his fingers under her underwear. Theo didn’t pay any attention to them until loud smacking sounds came from the couple, and sighing, he looked away, finished his cigarette, put out the cigarette and put it in his pocket, leaving no evidence behind. It seemed to me that passion overwhelmed those two, so they dissolved into each other; Lottie stroked the guy’s back, and he put his palm into her trousers. They didn’t care about the chilly weather — despite the plus ten degrees, he was already preparing to undress her completely. Yes, I almost fainted — I wanted so much to bury myself in the ground, but before that I nailed them both: the anger turned out to be so strong that I dreamed of tearing them to pieces — and giving the rest to the garbage rats. Hatred ate me up from the inside and did not disdain even the bones. “Let’s leave them.” The guy just said, and I nodded — anyway, such scenes made me even more nervous, which means smoking. I told myself it was comforting. It should be soothing. Although there was only one desire — to break up into molecules. Common sense won out, so, moving away from them, it still seemed to me that this was nothing more than a rehearsed acting game — Ryan did it on purpose in front of a friend to… seem better? To remind of his superiority once again? “Has Jade shown up?” Theo turned to me as we entered the college corridor, passing by the panoramic windows. “No, I thought you knew where she was,” as I guessed, as soon as the guy disappeared from view, Ryan immediately pushed Blondie away. Although they were covered by a hedge in the backyard, I could still see how far apart they were from each other. “Did something happen to her” did he become so concerned about her affairs? “we agreed on a case, but she suddenly disappeared.” When did the pawn become the queen? He could have replaced her with anyone, at any moment. “What do you mean, she disappeared? Have you called her?” “Twenty times.” Yeah… something terrible happened. Apparently, it was useless to call, so there was an excuse to check on her after school. “Will you come with me?” I suggested that he go to her place, after all, she did not tell him the address. “We have to work,” he repeated the same thing monotonously, like a hunted animal, “even more.” So I didn’t go to any studio that day — but I had a mission. I ruined my relationship with Louis as soon as it got better: this has become another habit along with torn burrs. During Ryan’s kisses with Lottie, I always tore them until they bled and did not feel any pain at the same time. Self-harm happened automatically, I lost control of myself; I needed to be distracted by something else… And those very pop razor blades turned out to be unnecessary — she coped perfectly on her own. The skin regenerated quickly, and every time I promised myself not to do it again. This happens with every habit, and we keep stepping on the same rake, over and over again. “You shouldn’t have come here,” Jade opened the door a crack and looked out — her friend was literally shaking and too nervous, “what is it?” I jerked in fright when I heard a woman screaming at someone on the second floor, and then there was the sound of broken glass. “Theo is looking for you,” I continued in a whisper, while Jade was restless and ashamed of the whole situation, “and by the way, I’m worried about you too.” She smiled for a second, but then frowned. Something crashed; then I heard a squeak and crying. The house was literally shaking — a friend from the very first day went loaded and hid what was going on in her family. “Thank you for coming,” she began to move away, pulling the door open, “I’ll answer him. I have to go.” “Will you tell me about it?” I naively hoped that this would become clear. “Yes, one day. Necessarily.” She closed the door, leaving me standing on the threshold. It was rapidly getting dark, and her house was not in the most prosperous district of Paris — homeless people and merchants were always wandering around here. Hadn’t Theo seen her off after her so-called work? Or did she want to hide it from everyone… I was afraid to stay here for an extra ten minutes, and a man lived here. It was hard to wrap my head around. The next day, nothing changed — Jade did not come to college, and her social media profiles were silent: her last activity was at the moment when she replied to Theo — he thanked me for reminding me about him. And she disappeared again. I felt kind of insecure without her.… Of course, the four of us continued to go out for a smoke break anyway—and my hatred turned to despair when I saw Ryan and Lottie together. Like a handful of nails, I swallowed jealousy and resentment—and there was nothing else I could do. In Theo’s absence, I always shared cigarettes with them, and such an act of charity made me feel less worthless —Ryan became more and more attracted to me, and he distanced himself from Blondie. But Theo’s presence changed everything—I hated riding in the mood of Thypes and did not want to participate in it; I knew in advance that I would lose. Surprisingly, at first you dream of not feeling anything, and then you wonder when you managed to become such an indifferent piece of shit?.. On wednesday, Theo showed up, which meant that Ryan would start undressing Lottie again in front of our eyes. So instead of hanging out with them after class, I wandered into the studio. Knowing that I was going to miss the next two classes on Friday and Saturday because of the concert and the wedding, I just had to show up there. Louis was already sitting at my desk… How unexpected. “Are you ignoring me again?” Yeah, he was really encouraged by my attitude towards him. “It just so happened,” the last thing I wanted to justify was, “you remember what I said about the family.” An absolute lie. There, just the same, everything was coming back to normal — Andre concentrated on my mother and hardly noticed me. “Do you remember about the concert the day after tomorrow? ” of course he thinks I’m an idiot? “What are you going to wear?” All vital processes in my body have stopped. I really think I’m an idiot. This question didn’t even cross my mind. I somehow let everything related to the concert take its course. In fact, I didn’t even fully believe that I had won the competition. “Aren’t casual clothes enough?” “This is an insult to Jeffrey, especially on Halloween night” how could I forget? There were so many things going on that I could hardly put them on the shelves in my head “and it would be cool to dress in his style.” “I don’t think I have anything like that…” “I remembered the leather trousers, straps, thin chains that I depicted on the poster.” “Shall we go together tomorrow, pick up something?” Of course, I agreed, because I didn’t see any other options — and we roughly agreed on a time and place — it would be good to meet after his music lessons at the gates of the college and walk to the Place de la Concorde to go around the shops on the Champs-Elysees. And when I got home, I started begging my mom for money for these clothes — after all, I can go to a concert once in my life! “Moreover, she won a ticket in the competition,” I raised an eyebrow, hearing Andre coax her for me. Even if it was just a pretense, it still played into his hands. After all, it was advantageous for him to win over me so that I could help with the organization of the celebration. “Just don’t stay late, you need to get some sleep,” she handed over one hundred and fifty euros, “all next day you will be one of the main faces at the celebration.” One hundred and fifty euros! I wasn’t listening to what they were saying anymore, and I was wondering what I was going to spend it on. Dying of a rush of happiness, I went to bed — I have to impress this guy so that he never forgets this evening! *** There was exactly one day left, and my head was torn by a dilemma: either I spit in the face of Andre, who decided to meet me at the gates of the college, or I stay to wait for Louis, who God knows when else will come. My stepfather decided to personally pick me up in a taxi in order to take away the phone, turn off the sound on it, and enslave me — that is, at home he immediately assigned the task of calling the guests and reminding them of the exact time of the ceremony, making sure of their presence, and also arrange the seating cards in alphabetical order. “Why can’t it be done tomorrow or tonight?” “Because you don’t have to ask stupid questions,” and, seeing my sincere misunderstanding, he added, “people may have time to change their plans, but we need to make sure for sure.” I didn’t even have time to warn Louis — confused, I was standing with my stepfather’s contact list and cell phone! God, in a matter of milliseconds, I hated him even more, because he wouldn’t be the one to blame! I was fluttering for an hour and a half, and then I actively started to get ready to go back to college when I got my phone back. With shaking hands, I unlocked the screen… There was a single message from Louis. “What a bastard you are” and a bunch of missed ones. Damn, damn, damn! Fuck. Naturally, he didn’t react to any of my messages on principle — and I didn’t feel guilty, because now I couldn’t even explain anything! I called, but he hung up on me. I called again, and he didn’t take it at all. Somehow, he caused me a storm of pain — like a child who is guilty of something, but he does not understand what he was being punished for. And I even knew how I could feel better. I was angrily looking for my black ruffled knee—length skirt, and when I found it, I cut it to a mini, having processed the edges on a sewing machine, I decided to modernize all my children’s clothes, and thanked the Lord for the ability to sew — it came in handy that day. I definitely would not have gone shopping alone, and this also turned out to be a plus — if I spend so much money on clothes, and this is one evening in my life, then in the future, I will not buy joints from Theo, that is, hand-rolled cigarettes filled with hash. No, that wouldn’t do: with clothes, I’m unlikely to get involved in their company, but with grass, the chances are much better! I was very afraid of not being in time — after all, doing something myself is much longer than hanging out on sales. Jeffrey loved leather… I inserted a black leather belt with a shiny silver buckle, and on my feet I imagined leather autumn boots and nylon tights. Instead of underwear, there is a white sconce with straps, continuing the general theme. A bunch of small chains and pendants, and on my ears, which were not pierced, there was a small ring with pins. I liked this image so much that I wasn’t going to stop at anything! Having found all the necessary details, I had to decide on a desperate step — but everything delayed the moment. The concert was held in a nightclub, and if it’s cold there, what will I put on? One wall lamp did not protect me from the autumn chill… I had a black leather jacket, and I improved it by putting pins and chains anywhere. I wanted to brag to Jade, because she won’t be at this party, and I picked up the phone. And very wrongly. I saw Louis’s photo again and the rage flared up again. I was definitely ready in this state. Grabbing a thin sewing needle, a mirror, cotton wool and hydrogen peroxide, I took a deep breath and sat down on my bed. No! How can Louis accuse me of anything? Even more insulting. And at all… Who does he think he is? It’s all Andre. She sprayed the peroxide right on the tip, twirled the needle with her fingers and brought it to the earlobe. Because of some nonsense, he ruined my mood… I watched my reflection carefully: I held the thumb of my left hand behind my ear, and touched the warm skin with my right hand. My face became very focused and tense — I gradually pushed the needle as deep as possible. The anger shifted to the aching pain in that small area of his body… I will definitely tell him tomorrow — since he wants to see me there so much! I froze when I saw the tip of the needle on the back of the lobe. It worked! It even made me feel better… Not only from what I’ve done for my image, but I’ve also hurt myself. I ran the tip back and forth and blood immediately flowed — soaked cotton wool with peroxide and looked in the mirror again. I came up with another completely cool idea how to use peroxide, but because of Friday’s lessons, I would not have had time to put it into practice. The second, my left ear was pierced much more painfully — the resentment almost let go of me, and I should have just finished what I started. I sweated terribly, twitched, but stubbornly pushed the point further and further — the blood flowed even before I pierced the lobe through. This slowed down the case significantly, but it was necessary to continue. I remembered how Ryan groped Lottie… and successfully completed the home piercing. To prevent the puncture from healing until the next evening, I immediately inserted a small ring in both ears, which I found in the seamstress’s kits — and looked forward to success. No, if I could pierce my own skin, then nothing is scary anymore! That night, I could only fall asleep lying on my back, and this is not surprising, given the pulling pain as soon as the pillow or sheet touched the pierced lobes. The next morning, I fully realized what I had done yesterday — namely, while untangling the hair stuck in the rings. Mom was never supposed to find out about this, so I combed my hair a little and covered my ears with curls. Andre shouldn’t notice either. “Good morning,” mom was in a relaxed and elated mood, “today you will have some important things to do,” I stood, trying as hard as possible to cover my ears with my hair, “so you will not go to college.” Yes… good morning — so the time before the concert will drag on even longer. Andre, sitting with his future wife, smiled like he had never smiled in his life, probably. They both loaded me with a bunch of things to do — call the stylist, decorator, wedding host; check the time and send them directions. And the most difficult thing is to find out from the florist what kind of care is required for the flowers that were now in the living room, put them in water, hide them from the light, or vice versa, ensure maximum penetration… He and his valuable instructions have already ruined the last evening for me. No, I’d rather die that way. It’s a nightmare. But it’s better than watching Lottie pawing Ryan’s ass through her pants. “And get yourself cleaned up. You shouldn’t be like this tomorrow.” I touched a curl and carefully draped it over my shoulder so that my ear remained covered. “I want to lighten the front strands.” Since we’re talking about hair. “Are you crazy?” mom looked at me dumbfounded, “your hair is so beautiful, Marianne. Don’t spoil them, understand? You don’t need to do that.” “Just the strands! I’m not talking about the whole head!” I was infuriated by her stubbornness on natural beauty, which has always been there since early childhood — when I wanted to cut my hair short, she strictly forbade it. Mom boiled even faster than usual during pregnancy, so Andrei, noticing this, decided to intervene. “She will not surpass the bride in beauty anyway,” thank you, dear “daddy”, “you must not worry.” It was only out of fear of losing the child that he did all this. “Let her dye it, her hair will grow back,” wow, he sought to resolve the conflict at any cost, “if she remains bald, then this will only be her problem.” I grimaced as if I had eaten a sour lemon—no, he was still a scumbag, and he remained so. “Only after she finishes everything,” Mom finally gave up, and I wasn’t going to listen to her. It was much more important to have time to lighten your hair! “And I’ll help you, otherwise you…” “NO! I myself” — I needed privacy at all costs — so she would definitely see my pierced ears! “Leave her alone,” Andre’s courtesy turned out to be the calm before the storm — I had a premonition of it, “we are already overloaded.” I immediately rushed to my room to get peroxide—an eight percent solution for my dark hair should just do. I did not conduct any allergy tests, as recommended in all instructions and video lessons. I don’t care! I need to complete my stunning look as soon as possible — I had no doubt that it would be like this! One whole bottle should have been enough — I mixed one to one in a bowl of water and looked forward to my appearance at the party. God, I was so happy—for the first time in a long time, everything was going the way I wanted it to. I applied a greasy cream to the strands so that the peroxide would grab exactly and distribute the mixture with a sponge… It’s probably worth putting on more eye makeup. To enhance the effect, I wrapped the strands with foil and went to heat them with a hair dryer. They were supposed to lighten up in an hour or two… During this time, I managed to call the master of ceremonies and the stylist while my scalp was tingling a little. Finally, I freed the strands from the foil and after washing my hair, I saw light brown strands. It worked! I was overcome by such adrenaline — the kind that happens on rides that lift you above the fifteenth floor and drop you sharply down, creating the effect of free fall… I felt everything too keenly. After coloring, I was tormented with flowers, talking to the florist and getting tangled in wet hair — the towel was constantly falling off, and I was terribly furious. I changed the water in the vases several times — they constantly need spraying. I’ve never fucking looked after myself like I’ve looked after these flowers! In general, the concert started at exactly seven in the evening, and I started packing in an hour and a half. I put on a sconce, and taking new, unopened nylon tights, I hesitated in my decision for a few seconds, but there was no time to retreat — after opening them and putting them on, I took scissors and ran the blade lengthwise and across several times. It looked amazing on my leg! It seemed so unusual and stylish to me — specially torn tights. There was a skirt on top of them. After that, she braided the front, lightened strands into thin pigtails and pierced them with rings. I also gave my ears to them to be torn to pieces and already saw another person in the mirror… There were definitely not enough arrows in front of my eyes — and thanks to my ability to draw, I made them the first time. Damn it, I looked good. For a webcam model. I definitely wouldn’t have gone through my mom and Andre like this… I would have been stopped by the morality police. So, I threw a red sweater on top of the sconce and took off my skirt, putting it in my backpack. I put on jeans and a leather jacket. It’s definitely better this way. Once I enter the club, I have to hit everyone on the spot with my appearance — then where do I change? The only option I considered was toilets in the subway, in the booths of which you can do anything. This is the way out. After some thought, I said goodbye to two more lovers, not legal spouses. “You’ll be back at ten, won’t you?” “Of course, I won’t spend the night there” it was out of the question! The best day of my life would turn into the worst, but at least I was ready for it. I didn’t have a ticket to the afterparty anyway. I reached the station as a modest, quiet girl, reached my destination and, undressing in one of the booths, began to feel much bolder and went outside as an arrogant bitch that even the patrolmen followed me with a surprised look… All my courage evaporated somewhere when the icy air blew over me — I had to immediately find the club and go inside. A couple of minutes later, she noticed my poster with Jeffrey on the right doors… Pride made my heart beat faster. Already inside, I saw my poster everywhere, hanging on the walls, and, having presented my ticket, I was already looking around — in the distance, barely seeing through the dancing rays of light, Theo was standing to the left of the stage and setting up the equipment. I waved at him, but he didn’t even look in my direction, so I started looking for Ryan. I walked back and forth, found a corridor with VIP rooms and tables with a hookah, but the guy was nowhere to be found. Exactly seven o’clock — Louis and all the rest of the band came on stage and chaos began! There were more and more people in the club every second — the guards were already holding back those who were pushing with all their might. The entire dance floor was filled with boys and girls dancing to the tracks of this young band. Admittedly, they played really well — covers of Jeffrey’s songs and with Lina’s guitar, which, by the way, showed up at the end, Stefan’s drums and Zoe’s voice turned out perfectly. At least you could listen to it. While playing the third song, Louis finally noticed me in the crowd. All his fun had disappeared from his face—and I already wanted to explain myself. Somehow he was unfairly offended by me… At that time, Theo was standing talking to Jeffrey Young — I immediately recognized the singer by his snow-white long, ass-length dreadlocks. He was giving some instructions to the guy. And where Theo is, Ryan is always there. Only fifteen minutes after the start, I still didn’t see him. Didn’t he come?..