Extraversion Of Death

Illustration: https://sun9-75.userapi.com/impg/FWRwdV7WLNeSsVyi021Gzzyg_np9POBKs_EwGA/xnLRjzIQ4NA.jpg?size=1914x1079&quality=95&sign=17a1e6a7cd2d77222814427d5f455832&type=album *** Bertrand Russell said: “In reality, a person does not want knowledge, but certainty.” Certainty is always a framework. A person can not be without limits and without restrictions. It is impossible to take away a person’s freedom until he deprives himself of it © Marianne *** And they were both clearly waiting for my answer. What could I say… no, I was unable to react at all. It was as if the spirit had left my body — and I couldn’t control it — I just froze in place, clutching my fork. Andre was beaming as if he had won a million in the lottery and was proud of himself, and mom seemed to be happy for the first time in a long time. But it seemed false to me, because… How could she forget my father so quickly?! “I’m not going to participate in this”, I mumbled quickly and got up from my seat, ran to the bathroom, because vomiting was rising in my throat. As if in a fast-track, images flashed through my head of how I had to endure this Andre for three months… And now there’s a fucking kid. No, I just couldn’t stand it. My stepfather tried to break down the door, and my mother tried to get through to me, but I didn’t care anymore. I slowly moved away from this news, enduring urge after urge, and soon I felt better. In the end, I returned to my room completely devastated, ignoring them, and locked myself in. Soon my body began to shake, and I covered myself with a blanket — the temperature was rising after vomiting. It couldn’t have happened — in the sense of their marriage. I didn’t agree to this. I refused to believe it. They couldn’t have been that serious. Autosuggestion, of course, did not change anything — my mother reminded me of this by knocking on the attic hatch and trying to talk to me. Meanwhile, my joints seemed to be twisting due to fever, so I was in dire need of help. “I think one day you’ll be able to understand me”, she handed me a thermometer and gave me an antiemetic gel, “it’s impossible to get hung up on one person. It doesn’t lead to anything.” No! I was convinced that if love really exists, it is for life and with only one person. She couldn’t convince me otherwise. I was almost fainting from weakness, so I couldn’t argue anyway. “Your father has his own life now, » I also refused to admit, “and I have my own. And we are happy apart from each other — you are happy for one hundred percent with Andre — I have no doubt that he has settled in Dusseldorf perfectly. My mother stroked my shoulder and palms as I remembered my father and all the days when he lived here. So, finally exhausted, I fell asleep. I finally woke up at noon and felt much better than the day before — emotionally drained and depressed, but physically full of strength. My phone was bursting with notifications—Jade didn’t understand why I didn’t show up for the first three lessons. And I clutched my head myself, realizing that I had overslept. “I turned off the alarm and did it on purpose, » Mom said gently, “and I’ve already informed your teacher that you’re going to miss this day because of… poisoning.” Yes — emotional. I was not given the right to choose again, and it was not difficult to guess that I would spend it with my mother and stepfather… In his new status as a second father. “By the way, you slept with your eyes open”, mom giggled, “do you remember when you were a child walking in your sleep?” I nodded, remembering that I often woke my dad up with this — he was a light sleeper, and he woke up at any rustle. I sat down at the table and immediately felt sad. Mom seemed to remember the same thing, because her face changed. Here Andre decided to pay attention to himself. “Will you help us organize a banquet?”, why did he become so kind? Did she manage to speak with him yesterday too? So that’s what kind of help they were talking about at dinner… I would rather not come to it at all. Especially since… it dawned on me — their wedding is scheduled for the next day, right after Jeffrey Young’s concert. But I had no chance to get there. “And pick up jewelry, maybe even come up with new, themed ones, right? You’re good at this, aren’t you?”, He was obviously ingratiating, and I wasn’t going to play along. “No, I’m not” Go to hell. “Well, then you’ll start”, instead of arguing, he now chose the tactics of pushing through, and stuck in a list of guests who need to be called, and all the services where to order the appropriate hall for the celebration, “I’m sure you’ll succeed.” He wasn’t trying to believe in me, but just wanted to use the free labor. Mom was flipping through the ideas for the ceremony and suddenly exclaimed: “I want a Rococo wedding.” *** Five hours later, I already had a headache from these ruffles, angels, roses and curls with gilding, while I was looking for jewelry options and coordinating them with the bride. Mom constantly didn’t like something, and she wanted to make everything perfect; muted pink, pale blue and light green mixed into one and I couldn’t distinguish between these colors — I needed a break. So it was the first of October — I compared the theme of their wedding with Jeffrey’s concert… and for some reason I was more and more inclined to frenzied acidic colors and a psychedelic atmosphere. My situation was unenviable; I had to figure out the nuances so as not to make my mother nervous —she was pregnant for the third week after all. Everything was changing rapidly: it was as if I no longer fit into this house and this family. It didn’t fit in my head that there would be anyone else besides me… the bile got so deep that subconsciously I dreamed of a miscarriage. When I finally decided to talk to Jade in the evening, I told her everything in just five minutes, almost with tears. “I can’t believe it. Is that a problem?”, that’s what I heard on the other end. “What? You don’t understand! They’re getting married!”, I definitely did not expect such a reaction. “No, I got it right. He doesn’t take the roof off your head and kick you out of the house, does he?” What if it’s coming to this? “Stop it. There are situations in life that are much scarier than your mom’s personal life”, her voice trailed off toward the end, “and if she’s happy, then you just have to accept it.” Here I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life and decided to put pressure on her. In fact, she was constantly depressed and it had nothing to do with me or college. I decided to figure this out from now on and forever. “Is there something wrong with your family?”, I heard very heavy breathing and couldn’t stop anymore, “because it’s like you want to switch places with me…” “I don’t want to talk about it”, she snapped. “What’s the problem?” damn, I was copying the coach, “are you really such a weakling.?..” The endless beep… She hung up the phone. I never found out exactly how she helped Theo. Jade ignored me for another hour, and then she dropped her homework anyway, and that was it. Laconic numbers, tasks and sentences. She was very offended. Now I was breathing heavily, because I had lost her; my head was not thinking, I was thinking about completely different things than homework. I needed support—and my friend couldn’t give it. But Louis is ready to give it to me. 20:30: “I threw up yesterday. My mom is getting married to a man I hate” It’s not the best way to start a dialogue, but I couldn’t find any other words. 20:31: “Yes, it’s really terrible”, the answer came instantly. 20:31 “That’s not the word. I also argued with a friend” 20:32: “Do you want to call me?” That’s how, having barely come to my senses from what I did, I saw an incoming call. The desire to discuss my pain turned out to be so great that I seemed ready to talk to everyone I met.… “Yes, I completely agree with you and also believe in a single love”, this unfamiliar guy became closer to me than everyone else in just half an hour, “and I don’t understand my family like you”, given the past mistake, I no longer meddled with questions about relatives. I really didn’t want to lose Louis, the only one who listened to me. “You will make up”, he supported me about Jade, “judging by her harsh reaction, she envied you.” No! I couldn’t believe it.… But Louis was older, and it was always better to see from the outside. “Give her time. She’ll tell you everything” *** We always sat with her in college. Therefore, when I went there the next day, I naively thought that she would stay at the desk with me. And… I noticed her alone, at the end of the class. I really couldn’t find a place for myself. Immediately, a lot of events put me out of action — I had just submitted my work for the competition, when other problems immediately began to pour in. Yes… my friend was pulling away from me more and more, but on the contrary, she were getting closer to Theo too quickly — she began to follow them everywhere, and the guy didn’t even resist it. When they left school, I always noted Jade’s presence in the magazine because I didn’t want to hurt her. I had a glimmer of hope that she would forgive those words and appreciate such devotion. This went on for two weeks, during which I got to know Louis better — he even played drums while I was doing my homework by phone. It was very easy with him, really easy. And I gradually got used to him, as if he were my older brother, and not Lina’s. We watched movies together via video link… We called each other every day. We discussed his new songs and my sketches for dolls. I felt relieved with him, while with Ryan I felt anxious and anxious. He came to college twitchy, nervous, and on other days suspiciously relaxed and calm. His passes, like my friend’s, were getting bigger and bigger. I was watching, but I was afraid to interfere. Yes, something was definitely going wrong — after the election of the headman, the class was divided into three parts, and I felt like I was on the outskirts of it: Robert was in charge of everything in the first one, who still did not accept his defeat, and if he let me write off, it was always with the wrong answers. After the drama of this wedding and the baby, I didn’t get enough sleep at all and barely had time to do anything with my studies. The others were in no hurry to help either… My academic performance began to deteriorate noticeably — including physical training. The coach, after Ryan and I left the team, deliberately underestimated the points and took revenge on both of us. The guy was fine with that. It seems that when he said “I don’t care” he really wasn’t joking.… I was more suited to the second part of the class in spirit — it was a gathering of creative people, including Chris, Lina, Zoe and Stefan. Because of my association with Louis, I started hanging out with the girls, but I felt superfluous. I missed Jade, but she took a very long time to get away from my uninvited curiosity. But the third part became my most cherished — I dreamed of joining it. Ryan hasn’t added Jade to his private account yet, which means she hasn’t finally joined their hangout. I was so gloating! Louis would say you’re jealous of her now, and he would be right. He generally felt me, my problems and needs very well. I was distracting. I’d go crazy if I was alone, without a friend. But she didn’t get attached to anyone, judging by all the previous years, and was able to refuse people. But it didn’t work out with Theo — they played poker on breaks, smoked cigarettes, looking all sixteen years old… They didn’t need anything—they already knew what was best. The lyceum students found it only a pleasure to be in their company — in general, I hated Theo more and more: He stole Ryan from me first, and then Jade. My business seemed to be going from bad to worse. At home, the situation was changing more and more: Andre became suspiciously courteous to me, polite and affectionate. This hypocrisy infuriated me — I understood that he was doing everything for the mother so that she would not be nervous and would not lose the child. He increasingly preferred not to notice me at all, and quarrels, as well as skirmishes, came to naught… But I didn’t have the strength for these quarrels myself. Their relationship with my mother became unbearably cloying in fact — stepfather cherished any of her desires, carried her in his arms, pleased her every day… I didn’t believe a word he said — whether it was my father, who was much better off with! I was a thousand percent sure. And the child… I won’t be the only daughter anymore. If I had been older, or vice versa, younger, everything would have turned out differently. And such a confrontation began in my head that either I or he would stay with my mother, because at the same time we were gnawing at each other’s throats. She didn’t want to choose, so someone will have to leave the race… It remains to be seen who it will be. I often went out on the balcony next to my room, sat on a pouf and stared at one point — Ryan’s closed account. There were no tears, I couldn’t squeeze anything out. I felt like a dried — up sponge, not reacting to the autumn cold — and I was sitting in just a T-shirt and pajama shorts. I wanted to feel something… other than hopelessness. “We have a free space, so you can go to the studio on Mondays,” Louis wrote, always with great news. He became the sponsor of new feelings.… Of course, I wanted to be away from home as long as possible. And I listened to the songs of the hated Jeffrey Young with him; I joined this culture and it seemed to me that this was how I became closer to Ryan. Which I understand, and I even like it.… I tried very hard to convince myself. Louis, right in the studio, often composed new compositions for the band — and they were absolutely incredible! Psychedelic, chaotic and crazy. He showed the album covers that he drew himself — they consisted of fractals and geometric shapes. He was trying to create the effect of an object and a tunnel… where did it come from in his head?! Of course, he did not reveal his secrets of success — but he was able to extract information from anyone. I didn’t exchange half-hour voice messages with anyone else, I didn’t discuss every minute of the film and the stroke in the drawing with anyone. There was stability with him. But I wanted something completely different—a life like Ryan’s. Something was constantly happening to them: one day, in between classes, I noticed Theo at the cupboards — he fainted. I was standing about fifteen meters away and clearly saw how he rolled down the wall and almost choked on his own saliva… Ryan and Jade immediately ran up to him before any of the staff or students noticed them and dragged them under the stairs — it was the only secluded place where no one went. Jade was waiting for an interrogation, and I hoped that we would make peace with her. Half an hour later, in the cafeteria, as if nothing had happened, Theo was eating lunch and was absolutely healthy! And Jade was infected with contempt from this company, and now, feeling involved in them, she looked at me arrogantly. Only Ryan remained cold and detached… Our communication with him was limited only by his requests to close the passes, because there were no other points of contact, especially after our joint departure from the volleyball section. “Thank you, you’re the best,” hugging me, he thanked me, and that was enough to blush… How can I be such a fool? On October sixteenth, Madame Bertlen entered the classroom holding the coveted tickets to the Jeffrey Young concert. “There is a winner among you”, the breath stuck in my throat in a lump, and I almost choked — so suddenly it was confusing! “I was instructed to personally congratulate him, since I was the sponsor of the competition.” That’s why she was so actively pushing about classes there. “The wristband concept was chosen by Jeffrey Young himself”, someone was very lucky, “and the poster by the singer’s main PR agent.” I was very unsure of my victory, because I had done the work in just a couple of days and counted only on the fact that I would not be thrown out of the studio.… There was no question of victory. Therefore, while waiting for the results, I died and was reborn several times from uncontrollable excitement. “I would like to note that the winning work is characterized by better insight compared to the rest”, could this woman speak faster? I’m going to explode, “in other words, the author listened so intently to the songs that he caught the very essence.” It’s interesting to find out who beat me — because it’s not that I could find the essence in his instrumental nightmare, but I even considered listening to the track to the end an achievement. “Marianne de Clinne,” Ryan turned around in surprise, “come here.” An unknown force made me get up from my seat and go to Madame. She patted me on the shoulder and took a photo for the report with my face completely frozen on my face, gave me the tickets, indicated the place and time of the event. She spent a couple more minutes convincing everyone in the class about creative self-realization, and I looked at Jade smiling at the end of everyone; the joy of victory was replaced by regret for what she had said. After the eulogy, I returned to my seat with a pass to the closed world of Ryan Thypes… “Congratulations”, …who turned to me and somehow bitterly remarked, “apparently, you didn’t give up volleyball for nothing.” I remembered that he only wanted to go to the afterparty. And I didn’t have a ticket for it.… It was all in vain. “This,” I waved the ticket, “is just one night. And we would have won hundreds of cups with you, of course, if he hadn’t given a damn.” “It doesn’t matter anymore,” Ryan turned away. Yes, I got on his nerves and caused remorse. He wasn’t going the way he wanted to go at all. *** “Keep it up”, a familiar voice cut through the silence of the empty classroom after the last lesson, “I remember your work and expected nothing but victory.” Jade decided to break off two weeks of ignoring me and take me by surprise. “Even Ryan congratulated me,” I closed my backpack and draped it over my shoulders. “Thank you for not marking the missing classes”, she walked next to me, “I am very grateful.” “You’re welcome.” She was walking next to me, trying to pretend that nothing had happened — and I decided to play along. “So everything worked out for you?”, Theo continued to go to classes, even though he skipped some lessons, “what’s going on with him anyway?” There was undoubtedly tension between us, but as we walked together, it gradually dissipated. After everything I’ve been doing for two weeks, she finally trusted me. “The day you noticed us, Theo had a little too much,” Jade began to remember, “he’s doing this to keep working.” “Too much of what?” “His staff,” Jade shrugged, as if it were the most mundane thing in the world to sell drugs, hang out on them and lose consciousness, “he says he can’t sell until he’s sure of the quality. “Is there no other way to earn money?” I started to push and condemn again, but I didn’t like the whole topic very much. “No, it’s faster.” Fortunately, we talked face to face, so I tried to keep the situation under control. “Have you tried it too?” — I felt betrayed! “No, pushers have to stay sober,” I couldn’t understand how Jade could agree to such a thing. “Do you understand what you’re doing, don’t you?” “It’s temporary. I’m just helping.” Nothing could convince her with such reinforced concrete logic — it seemed that she replayed these excuses thousands of times a day, so any attempts to reason with her friend threatened to turn into a new quarrel. And I could stand the second one. “You see, I feel so sorry for him. He’s an orphan, and he lives with his uncle”, I didn’t even think about that, “he wants to study, like everyone else. He wants to eat delicious food, not expired food from a month ago. He wants to wear cool clothes, not someone’s. And for this, money is needed, because of which he works hard. If it hadn’t been for the… stimulants, he would have been laid back long ago. This is such a difficult period, and we need to understand it”, “we” were told casually, “everyone can find themselves in such a situation.” Undoubtedly, everyone has difficult periods. But they don’t justify the distribution of drugs, as these teenagers did. They kept getting more and more new customers, making this filth endless. And I knew perfectly well that Ryan was involved in this, too. “And where does he get all this from?”, the most banal question that haunted me. Jade hesitated for a few seconds, but finally said “It’s not our business anymore.” Yes, she knew for sure, but she didn’t want to tell. And that’s right — in such a case, I wouldn’t trust anyone at all. It was hard to believe that all the girls he was flirting with were clients. “He’s just using you.” Jade was on her own mind and did not take these words in any way. “So what? In fact, we talked a lot, and he talked about very unimportant things. I’m loving it.” Well, yes, he doesn’t ask questions like I do. “About what things?” It was already about six o’clock in the evening, and we decided to walk through the park together. I expected silence or a monosyllabic answer, but she started talking excitedly about the clubs the guy went to, and that he was fourteen, but he still found ways to deceive the guards and get inside, and also what surprises the junkies threw on stage. Everything was falling into place — it was obvious that he himself was pushing his goods there. Of course, I was confused by everything that this guy got involved with, but I just had to accept it. Overton’s window** opened. If before I was afraid of any of their interactions with drugs, now only so that they would not be caught by the police sooner or later. “Once he sold mushrooms to a guy, and they had such an effect on him that he imagined himself as a lemon in a glass and convinced everyone that he was going to drown!” She laughed, and I rolled my eyes. How can I react to this at all? “And also, one guy tried to break his fingers with pliers, and four people dissuaded him from doing it,” she described everything as if she had seen it herself, “but it’s very sad, of course. He was sure that living simply with a palm without fingers would become much more convenient.” Vomiting periodically rose to my throat every five minutes while she recalled similar stories. Only the fresh air of the park distracted me from my fantasies, and I came to my senses. Jade found it all funny, and she didn’t take it seriously. After all, she really liked Theo—moreover, she wanted to come home less and less often, just like me. Asking about him distracted her, and she was constantly smiling. I missed her—so alive, happy and cheerful. When I got home, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything I’d learned. If in previous years she had not been interested in the company in any way, now she was trying to join it with all her might, and it worked. Theo initially asked about her pocket money or having a party, and when he realized that she could help otherwise, he recruited her. I knew it was dangerous—no one wants to go to jail—but I really wanted to get into the company. After all, his part-time job is temporary, and he will stop doing it. When I picked up my phone, I saw about fifteen messages from Louis—he had lost me. There was no desire to respond, to communicate, to build something out of myself. Instead, I called Jade. It was about twelve o’clock when I dropped the call and went to bed satisfied. All the homework that my friend and I had done on the phone was on the table; I liked sitting with her on stereometry and racking my head, although I couldn’t stand her. I liked that she was laughing and not shutting herself in. I liked that I might have distracted her from the pain. And she definitely had it. *** The next day, Jade, of course, sat next to me. I was incredibly happy about this reunion — first of all, I really missed it. And secondly, because of Theo’s help, she became firmly involved in this company. A simple chain was forming in my head: I’m Jade-Theo-Ryan, and I was hoping to get closer to the last link so that the chain would close. I had no doubt about the stability of their ties with each other — living in hope is better than stepping on the throat of your own pride and trying to get closer to Charlotte, for example. By the way, she did not accept Jade’s presence in their elite company — there was no question of any friendship, especially remembering everything that Blondie said last year. That’s why my friend and I hated her together—until Jade turned on duplicity and sat down at the same table with this bitch in the cafeteria, because guys were having lunch next to her. This is the price of being in the “elite”… “All the seats are occupied here”, that’s how Charlotte answered me if I wanted to sit next to a friend… My hatred for her only grew stronger every day. After everything I learned, I found myself subconsciously afraid to be around these people. But I wanted to. That’s why I was torn. After English on Friday, when I had to go to the studio, I noticed Lottie, who ran out of the office first and rushed to hug Ryan. He was standing next to Theo and Jade, holding the girl by the waist and playing with dyed hair until I approached them. “What is she doing here?” Lottie looked at me with displeasure. “She’s coming with us,” Jade answered her too coldly and clearly. Ryan looked at me surreptitiously so that Blondie wouldn’t notice, and waited for an answer. “With pleasure.” We moved to one of the abandoned and useless playgrounds very close to the college, and I regretted it several times — Charlotte stuck to the guy so that she did not leave him at all, hung on, holding his hand and walking along the road ahead of us, carrying delusional things — about new celebrity clips, perfume from the smells of the vagina and a fashion show in which the model was wearing a blanket and a pillow on her head. He didn’t listen to her—he was silent and thinking about his own while Theo thanked me for the unmarked omissions. He’s always been able to tell people what they want to hear. When they arrived at the playground, two of them pulled away, sitting away from us on a children’s slide with peeling blue paint — there they lit cigarettes, and Lottie, in between puffs, made hickeys on his neck. My imagination could only complete the details of what was happening — it was rapidly getting dark around, the evening was falling with its heavy clouds right on this small patch of land where five teenagers abandoned by everyone were hanging. The smell of tobacco from a friend smoking next to me and jealousy almost made me sick; now she’s hooked on this stuff too. I’ve been dreaming about this for the last few months—sitting here with them? Then why was I looking at a lonely swing in the distance and wanted to ride Adele on it instead of feeling anxiety in my sternum, which was scratching my ribs from the inside with its claws? “So you’re still doing this?” — I intervened when Theo and Jade were sitting on the sides of the sandbox talking about unsold grams of hashish. “There’s never a lot of money,” the guy shrugged and handed me a cigarette, seeing how uncomfortable I was with this conversation. Ryan turned to us, seeing Jade setting it on fire for me… I was no longer able to run away or refuse; everything had changed — there were four of them, and not just him, as last time. I brought it to my mouth, inhaled, and almost coughed. Now I was getting a little closer to everyone, or something… “There’s a concert in two weeks”, Ryan pushed Lottie away from him, “you’ll be there too, right?” and he’s already been watching me. The first cigarette was definitely now associated with the happiest memory in my life. I nodded and now fought the urge to cough. It turned out to be extremely difficult to do! “Just try to tell someone what’s going to happen there,” Lottie said angrily, without even turning around. “Come on, she’s not like that,” Theo stood up for me, and Ryan elbowed her, to which the girl only moved closer and laid her head on his chest. They didn’t turn to us anymore, and I was dealing with my relationship with a cigarette — inexperienced, I was constantly coughing, and it didn’t make me feel good. My friend became a regular smoker in a couple of weeks, as if she had learned this a hundred years ago. They were discussing with Theo the teenagers they were going to meet that evening, and I was selflessly flicking ashes into the sandbox… Five people and still children, discussing very adult things. Even after an hour and a half, Lottie was still hugging the guy and kissing him, and I was glad that because of the cigarette, I seemed to be able to take it more calmly. I didn’t like the smell coming from my stepfather, but doing it myself, I almost stopped noticing it.… Not only was I late for the studio, but I decided not to go there at all, continuing to hang out with the guys. I didn’t give a damn about the pass, my stepfather’s anger over it, and Louis’s messages, who wrote to me relentlessly. How did I know that I was starting to lose myself with such actions? If there are feelings for a person, and this is unconditional, then they are a bigger part of me than anything else. I elevated this guy to the number of saints — all I had to do was start praying at his photo shoot in magazines and create my own altar. Although, if recently I was collecting any thing related to this guy, now I missed his simple presence. I wanted more. The dose increased each time. And no one could help with this addiction, because even I didn’t fully realize that it existed!..