Extraversion Of Death

Illustration: https://sun9-59.userapi.com/impf/kAOkb6wnQ4xP38vF8TMdNx5aQF70SmC7jQjc2g/4yvG6LNOsGM.jpg?size=2256x1392&quality=95&sign=3e9e5085ad6d5f8357f05dee5d9a9167&type=album *** Tragedy is the weakness that is part of a love so strong that it cannot ultimately stand on its own. Weakness is always on a par with dependence, and I never admitted my weaknesses © Marianne *** “Are you stuck there?” With my heart racing, I sharply opened my eyes, wincing with displeasure and feeling the T-shirt stuck to my back from sweat. The week had just begun, and I was already making huge strides: tired, irritable from lack of sleep, because I was overcome by procrastination while mindlessly studying the profiles of Charlotte and Theo, and I only managed to fall asleep at four in the morning; and also fear — after school I intended to go to volleyball for the first time and talk with Ryan. This knowledge became the compass I was guided by: we all need one, because without it the emptiness will destroy us. “I’m already awake.” No, not this. Oh god, not now. My stepfather was banging on the hatch while I was hastily changing clothes, and this infuriated me even more. He only calmed down when we met downstairs in the kitchen. “You overslept.” Yes, and it saved me from your moans. “And?” “Nothing. You should speed up.” Andre got on my nerves as I frantically filled a bottle of water and cut up vegetables to take with me. When he said that, I wanted to do everything exactly the opposite in order to piss him off. Move too slowly for him to lose control. And the most unpleasant thing is that he was right, and I need to hurry to college. “I’ll only speed up if you shut up.” Rude, yes. But everything around me made me nervous. Of course, after such an outburst, numerous insults rained down, to which I snapped back. Mom suddenly appeared, causing us both to freeze in place. She silently put the chicken tortilla into the lunchbox and handed it to me. — “You’re going too far.” Of course he’s going too far! What’s wrong with him?! “Stop acting like that.” Wow, this all applied to me. I grabbed my breakfast and went to the front door. “I’ll stop if he disappears from here.” I slammed the door, so I couldn’t hear the end of the dialogue. Mom decided to take his side. Yeah… Of course, he didn’t sleep for four hours that night and didn’t wake up with a chill. He did not grit his teeth from the chilling resentment. He didn’t look like a scarecrow, unlike me. “You don’t look good,” Jade stated the fact, and I fell into place, trying to get involved in the topic of the lesson. Yeah, even Ryan glanced at me as soon as I entered the class — he was, to put it mildly, surprised that the one who had come tens of minutes before the start of class all week before was now late and looked even worse than Theo is usually, well… like a slut. My clothes are wrinkled, my hair is disheveled, and this is the first time in college that everyone saw me with such a hairstyle. “Now let’s conduct an experiment,” Madam addressed the class, “the student who scored the highest number of points last time will help me with this,” I turned my gaze to Robert, and he shone brighter than a Christmas tree, “Theo, come here.” He silently approached the woman and began mixing the solutions in flasks, while heating them on gas. Robert froze and turned white, not believing what was happening. Everyone, except him, who remained seated, crowded around the table to write down the features of the chemical reaction. But Theo didn’t need it. It seemed to me that he knew this subject almost as well as a teacher, if not better. Everything worked out naturally for him, he knew exactly what he was doing. Ryan didn’t look away from him—and it certainly wasn’t a chemical reaction. When Theo finished, he smiled, looking only at Types. “Practice, just practice.” Ryan simply bombarded him with questions when he freed himself and sat down next to him. Theo had a real talent in chemistry — but he was lacking it in all other subjects except English. So, they became indispensable to each other. “We should have done this a long time ago,” they walked along the corridor together, not letting anyone get close, not even Blondie, “but we have the goods, so it’s a small matter.” I didn’t understand what was going on, and I put any guesses out of my head — they showed terrible things. However, this newcomer very quickly became a star of the college and lyceum, and almost everyone greeted him. *** “And then he said that he could treat them all for free,” Jade was very shocked and recounted to me the conversation between both guys, which she overheard while sitting in the courtyard while I was standing in the cafeteria line with a tray. “What exactly?” “The surprising thing is that they don’t say the name, but everyone understands perfectly well what it’s about.” I shared with her the mussels that I had won a few minutes ago, and she added: “Like animals that crowded together, bared their teeth and expected a freebie,” she lowered her voice, as if she was telling an urban legend, “one of them was shaking all over, and the other was completely exhausted and thin. Three more girls stood, shifting from foot to foot with impatience. You would think that the guys would give them a cure for all diseases — they clung to this news so much” Our classmates sat down next to us, so Jade and I fell silent. They started a conversation, which I didn’t listen to at all — I just buried my face in my plate and remembered the words my friend said. Of course, deep down, everything was obvious to me, but I really hoped that I was wrong. I was also guaranteed to be wrong in my confidence about meeting Ryan at volleyball. Of course he didn’t come. My two hours after class were wasted — and this game is definitely not what I wanted to kill for. No, really, I was just beaten by balls and now I hated sports with all my heart! How could he not come? I mean, that’s what he wanted, right? Maybe he’s too busy filming and… And I started looking for a thousand excuses just to explain his absenteeism. “As you know, we need to prepare for the upcoming winter match between colleges,” the coach addressed everyone after the game, “so far your results are not impressive. And where is Ryan?” Understandably, he was indignant at the absence of the strongest player who brought him the majority of victories. “Should I convey your words to him?” — While everyone was silent, I decided to take the initiative — after all, we study in the same class. The coach thought for a moment, but shook his head. “No need, I’ll see him tomorrow.” But I will still convey these words anyway. *** “Where have you been?” “Well, Andre, this is too much.” That’s it, tell him to shut up. I just entered home after a tiring game and immediately received a bullet in the forehead, or rather, an interrogation, during which they still didn’t believe me. The stepfather, of course, remembered everything that happened in the morning, so he created a scene. I threw a bag with crumpled sports things under his nose, just to calm him down. Mom behaved indifferently and did not react in any way — she had enough worries besides our quarrels with my stepfather: looking for a new job instead of a pastry shop, selling a share of the business and other bureaucracy. “I’ll check, call the coach”, God, when will he calm down?! That is, taking my word for it is an impossible task. He will do this last — if everyone else confirms that I am right. The situation was heating up every day… I began to miss my father more and more. With him, of course, everything was different. I kept thinking: maybe my mother’s infatuation with him will not last long, and they will get back together with their father? I hated Andre — so much that I wanted to be at home as little as possible. If he tried to take care of me, then I pushed him away because I considered it fake. The way he nodded his head, listening to his mother’s problems and lighting a cigarette right in the kitchen, shaking the ashes into a plate, made me lose my composure. I wanted to put a cigarette in her nostril so that he would choke! Yes, Ryan smoked the same brand, but Andre’s smelled disgusting — so I never came within a meter of him, and he always held it between two fingers, thumb and forefinger, like a juice straw. This gesture annoyed me. It wasn’t like Ryan’s. I would put my arms around Ryan’s neck, sit on his lap facing him, and wrap my legs around his hips while he lights it up. He brings it to his mouth, holding the cigarette between his index and middle fingers. It’s sexy. I saw. Then, during the break. He exhales smoke and looks at me. I want more. *** “I have the results of the summer drawing competition in my hands,” Madame Bertlein held a gold envelope with silver stripes in her hands while I looked at the guy sitting in front of me and dreamed, “and I’m ready to name the lucky winner of a thousand euros.” My eyes widened — wow, this college has a prize fund! I’ve already started to fantasize about what I could spend it on, because if I took part, I would definitely compete for first place. Drawing has always been my outlet. “For those who are new to us,” the woman looked at Theo and me, and then quickly looked around the rest, “I explain that the twenty-sixth of June is recognized as the international day against drug addiction,” I swallowed hard, remembering the event in the alley a week ago, “and I was not pleased with the results.” I noticed Charlotte rapidly texting Ryan, to which he chuckled and exchanged glances with her while I broke out in a cold sweat. I was literally splitting into pieces, realizing the seriousness of what was happening, remembering the old man’s words and seeing the arrogance and fun of this couple. “General note: loss of scale of the problem.” I didn’t delve into her words until I saw the drawings… They reflected what she was talking about. Third place went to Stephen’s typical propaganda poster, which was unable to interest anyone except the nursery group in the kindergarten. An ordinary syringe with a cross and a human skull next to it. Everyone has already seen this, thousands of times. The second is Robert, who apparently strived to become the first in everything, but this was broken off every time — he blushed, and wreaths popped out on his forehead. His comic depicted the moral that a drug addict is, first of all, the scum of society and you should not mess with such people. But I didn’t see by the pictures why they become like this, how to help them and how their life differs from others. This question hung in the air, and no one could answer it. “The first place, Christopher,” I even turned to the guy with a huge black notepad to see his reaction, but he was suspiciously calm, “congratulations.” I saw how the full-length sheet depicted a heroine with huge wings, two meters wide, in a white robe, with iridescent neon colors that became brighter towards the hem. Behind her, like a shadow, stood a demon guy with black wings and dark, gray clothes. In the corner I saw a crooked figure, similar to the one I met a week ago in the morning, and a medic trying to help. My classmate seemed to have predicted that incident… Also, in other corners, two black silhouettes were running from the police, lying on syringes, holding hands, and the last fragment that finally finished me off was the prison and the death that followed it. All this was complemented by catchy phrases: “Choose life. Choose freedom. Choose yourself*” “I’m sure you’ve helped a lot of people think,” she walked up to his desk and left a gift certificate. It’s very strange, but nothing caused an emotional response in him — he didn’t even touch the envelope and silently continued to draw on the pages. What was going on in his head anyway?! I couldn’t wait to find out how such images, these superheroes, such phrases came to his mind? “Robert, Stephen and everyone else,” she addressed those who participated in the competition but did not take places, “I somewhat advise you to study in the studio if you want to succeed.” Studio? Did I hear right? “As you can see, Christopher works there, and you see the result for yourself.” Madam looked at him, but the guy didn’t react at all. The fact that twenty pairs of eyes were looking at him did not bother him at all — he again buried himself in his black notebook, ignoring the lesson that had begun. He, of course, is very far from Ryan, but I was still amazed by this detachment. ''Where is it?” I moved closer to Jade, asking about the studio, while she was distracted by mindlessly flipping through the tape. “I want to study there.” *** Yes, it was probably reckless on my part to hope that I would have time to do everything: go to the section three times a week, and immerse myself in art, studying in the studio, and even perform the duties of a headman, if, of course, I was elected. Jade and I were late for PT because of what she was showing the location of the workshops, and the coach promised to notify her parents about this. No sanctions touched me — he treated those who came to his section in a special way. Even to Ryan, who stood with him for several minutes, he explained something tactfully, unlike everyone else — with those he tore his throat. “You didn't came yesterday.” I was hoping to make the guy feel guilty when the perfect opportunity presented itself and we were standing next to each other. “It so happened,” he practiced the low serve of the ball and threw it over the net, “what, do you really need me there?” For a second I was speechless, but in such cases sarcasm always saved me to confuse my opponent — whether it was true or not! “Of course, I’m already tired of listening to the coach how he singles you out before the winter match, not noticing the others.” “Really? It’s not like him,” we looked at the man in unison while he was endlessly booing someone, “usually he only criticizes my game.” “The most important thing is that he doesn’t find a replacement for you.” I slowly walked away, leaving him alone with his thoughts and hoped that the manipulation had worked. Until the next lesson, he walked around somewhat busy and even sad. Until Theo’s presence certainly amused him. Next to him, Ryan changed — he stopped caring about anything at all. …and it worked. The next day my dream came true: the guy showed up for the game. “Wow, what people came,” I waved to the guy when I met him in the corridor near the gym. “No one can replace me until I allow it,” he smugly threw back his blond bangs, “and deprive me of advantages.” “Judging by the coach’s awards, there really are a lot of them,” I winked and went into the locker room. Even such a small dialogue caused an unprecedented thrill inside; my palms were sweaty, my head was spinning, and my fingers were shaking, feeling for the clothes in my bag. I couldn’t believe it: my words had an effect on him. The coach, it seems, was also beside himself with happiness — seeing his favorite player on the field, he made jokes, simultaneously developing new tactics for winning. I turned out to be a naive fool — what was I thinking about, wanting to play on the same team with him? For an intimate dialogue? Most often, his back or, if I was lucky, his divine profile appeared in front of me. But even so, I bumped into him, accidentally touched him and noticed how he behaved — too strange and unusual: he played as if for all six on our team, ran around, shouted words, turning pale. There was nothing left of the serene-looking guy. …if only two hours later he, unexpectedly for everyone, had not fainted. “What happened to him?” I raised my voice when the whole team crowded around the coach, bending over the guy and feeling his neck. “Pulse one hundred and ten. The game is cancelled. Everybody’s Free.” Everyone ran to the locker room in joy, except me — I watched as the man took Ryan in arms and dragged him to office, put him on his back on the sofa, and raised his legs on the pillows so that they were above the level of his heart. He took off his T-shirt, and asked me to open all the windows and bring a bottle of water from the table. “Marianne, call the doctor,” he applied a “compress” to his forehead and observed the condition, “my dear boy, what have you done to yourself…” This is what happens when the coach decided to take it out on us for all the absences of his favorite and gave us double the allotted time — and I, who don’t really like volleyball, had to attend the first lesson in his place at the studio, which I signed up for the previous day after school. And, even though I could go along with the senior classes, after three absences I was still excluded from the group. Two out of three days coincided with volleyball — I already had to choose between myself and Ryan. And I always made the wrong choices. “The pressure is two hundred,” the doctor was now commenting on the condition of the world’s best-volleyball-player, “you might think your students are on doping.” It was a joke, but the coach didn’t like it when the joke was not on him, but on him; however, it was not possible to find out anything more — both asked me to leave, not wanting to reveal medical confidentiality. *** “What happened to you yesterday?” I approached Ryan on Wednesday, during the sketch, wanting to get to the bottom of the truth. “Ah, nothing special,” it was clear how irritated he was by this whole topic. “Blood pressure is two hundred — nothing special?” no one else existed around; and it didn’t matter that I looked like a hysteric. “How do you know? But… I haven’t played for a long time. Euphoria, a surge of hormones,” he shrugged and buried his face in the tablet. Dead end. He definitely wasn’t saying something. But we are not so emotionally close that the guy wants to be frank. Moreover, in front of everyone. Y-yes… It was a completely different person, unlike the one on the playing field. “Will you come on Saturday?” He didn’t even look up at me, he just grinned. “What, do you want to see the attack again?” And he knows how to bury someone else’s pride alive. “Don’t rush to conclusions,” I sat down in my seat again, “you understand what I mean.” But he just ignored it. At the same time, any of our even small dialogues turned into a violent reaction of jealousy in Lottie — in English she did not miss the opportunity to ridicule my accent or correct where it was possible to remain silent — this is how my grade was lowered. I did not respond with aggression — I knew that otherwise my classmates would not vote for me in the election of a prefect. Charlotte gradually lost her childhood friend, and this inexorably destabilized her, forcing her to take hasty actions. As soon as Saturday arrived, I, overwhelmed with the sweet anticipation of meeting Ryan (after all, I REALLY hoped that he would come), quickly found myself in the women’s locker room. Every minute the number of girls increased, and soon the room was filled with chatter, laughter and indignation of latecomers about the lack of space; It was actually narrow there. As I was putting things in a pile, I felt like I was getting a headache from all the noise. “How do you like Louis’s product? In my opinion, the stuff get boring quickly, but he always gets excellent ones.” I need air. Now. “That’s all in the past, Lambert can get something cooler.” I froze suddenly, and my heart skipped a beat. “New guy? I haven’t heard of him before.” “We met a few days ago, he’s very experienced, he easily determines what and who needs it,” they both laughed, but I had no time for jokes. “Well, what are your impressions?” “Just a bomb. I’m planning to take another weekend,” I tried to see their faces, but they were constantly obscured by other people’s backs. “Crystals?” one of the girls was clearly not embarrassed by the context of the topic and was not at all worried about what was coming out of her mouth. “Let’s do it later,” the second one looked around and it was clear that such indiscretion was bothering her. Then they started talking about unrelated topics, and I moved towards the exit. The passage to the door was blocked, as if not by girls, but by three hundred sumo wrestlers, who pushed, insulted and crushed their legs. Out of habit, I opened Ryan’s profile and clicked on the story that had just been posted. My face immediately began to burn, my hands to shake, and my tongue to go numb. I was literally speechless. There, in the video, he was hugging Lottie, smiling almost on her lips… He twirled a strand of dyed blond hair around his finger and held it by the waist, saying at the same time how much he loved Saturday walks. And, naturally, he did not come to the game. “Is everyone here? We divide into teams.” I didn’t have time to leave, so for the next hour and a half I had to take my breath in the hall with the others, and not on a walk. In the end, I was interested to know how that dialogue would end. They were definitely talking about Theo, because it’s unlikely that there would be a second new student in college with that last name, and who would instantly become popular throughout the college. I remembered Jade’s words that Ryan needed him for some reason. I needed to stay to find out exactly why. For the first time in two weeks, I was so close to the truth that it made my head spin—I needed other, strangers to say it out loud. Not guesses in my head and suspicions. I had to strain very hard to hear the conversation of those two, already in the locker room — our team had won, and now they were screaming at the top of their voices, making jokes towards the losers. Only these two were worried about something completely different, and they behaved distantly. One hundred percent of the college was a secret organization that taught people to behave arrogantly. And I suspected why. Moreover, I wanted to get into it. “Not only that, but also powder,” they continued the same conversation, and I began to lose the meaning of the conversation. “Well, you’re not going to shoot it, are you?” — I only saw the alarmed face of her interlocutor and I also felt uneasy, although I did not understand what they were talking about. “Are you crazy? Of course not! We need to drop this in order to catch up with the program,” she was angry at such an attack, “graduation is this year, and we can’t be failed,” these girls were hardly older than me… “Are you afraid that you can’t cope without this crap?” Provocation. I don’t know what was going on in this girl’s head, but she clearly infuriated the second one. Hit the extreme point. She stopped putting things in her bag and froze in place, wondering whether to answer the question or pull it into her jaw, because she clenched her fist until her veins bulged. “Whoa, whoa, I’m afraid too, that’s why I’m asking.” She raised her hands up, indicating that she was giving up. Another second and a fight would have started. The second one slowly stood up and looked into her face, blinking several times and as if realizing who was standing in front of her. “I’m not afraid of anything,” again this arrogance, “too much has piled up,” she threw the remaining things into her bag without folding, “Mom puts so much pressure on grades that I can’t cope anymore.” Well, at least she took part in her life. Leaving the interlocutor in thought, the girl silently left the dressing room, not wanting to continue the dialogue. I grabbed my things, straightened up, exchanged glances with the one who remained, and also left. Adding fuel to my endless fire of thoughts was a call from Jade, who told me that in English she had spied stories from Ryan’s private profile while he showed it to Theo — in it he was having a blast among the lights in a private club with a homemade cigarette in his hand. Wow… And it’s unlikely that there was ordinary tobacco there. This whole party of the chosen ones. All this slang and secret code. Maybe I was mistaken?.. The narc, choking in his own vomit, was clearly different from the girls almost the same age as me who studied at college, and even managed to train in the section. They obviously had doping, which allowed them to be on time everywhere. I couldn’t get out of my head that drug addict who was in convulsions. There must be a hierarchy in drugs, since the girls talked about it so calmly. Some substances are weaker than others, and perhaps only a complete person will reach that type of state. My picture of the world expanded so much that I felt like a baby who didn’t understand anything. Ryan, Theo and these girls were stars to me that I looked at with my mouth agape. How could I have known that very soon I would become one of them, and they would stare at me with admiration?..