Extraversion Of Death

Illustration: https://sun7-24.userapi.com/impf/E6BMq02FarUsiRhSzkGaEQ2FD5Zx39x0371hBA/-9dCKeYr9Mg.jpg?size=1599x1046&quality=95&sign=8111491ea443fec28687936760aa2370&type=album *** When you start choosing the wrong ideals for yourself, everything completely goes to hell. © Marianna *** “THIS will be the party of the century!” Theo showed Ryan the screen of his phone, beaming and speaking so loudly that I instantly tuned out the topic of the lesson and was now waiting for the guy’s reaction. He looked at the post with a psychedelic poster and acidic flowers against the background of patterns and suppressed a chuckle. “Father won’t let me go, the shooting is scheduled for that day,” he shook his head. “Move it,” Theo insisted, “you can’t miss this show!” “Well, with Jeffrey Young it must go on*,” Ryan found the post and saved it to himself, “I’ll think of something.” “Try. We need new useful acquaintances,” he winked and grinned. “Well, if you go, it’s only for the afterparty.” Their chatter was disrupting the lesson, so soon they were both buried in their phones, continuing to communicate via text; only occasional giggles and whispers were heard. I remembered the overheard conversation in the locker room — and now I was wondering how to tell my friend about it. We have to discuss everything — because it will hurt more later. I now understood the meaning of her words about Ryan: “He also needs him for some reason.” Theo was pushing drugs. He carried them with him. Every damn day. And she doubted that Ryan’s attack was just an outburst of emotions, euphoria. Yeah. Ryan blamed Lottie for not getting him something. Theo was able to get it. It’s simple. When you begin to forget about your life and meddle in someone else’s, many surprising and provocative details are revealed to you. Without thinking twice, I took my own phone and quickly found the desired profile and that very post. I was amazed by what I saw: first of all, endless fractals of geometric shapes caught my eye, causing an epileptic attack with acidic colors. The second is the date: the concert is scheduled for October thirty-first, that is, Halloween. And thirdly, the prices at the end of the poster: they were a quarter of the cost of tuition for six months at this college. Quarter! I can’t get this money; after the ruin of the candy store, my mother definitely doesn’t have it. A separate post on the profile was a poster with prices for the after-party. It was paid separately, costing almost the same as the main ticket. Yes… I’m in the air. I didn’t see what the artist looked like or what he was like. Absolute zero. There was nothing except abstract pictures and these crazy prices… Well, maybe I should listen to his songs?.. “What is wrong with you?” Jade tried to calm me down while I was shaking during the break. The fact that I was upset is putting it mildly. I didn’t feel any tears, I was just a ball of pain. “Tell me.” I began to notice how, in Ryan’s presence, I was thrown from a wild, crazy and mind-blowing euphoria into painful despair and a strange emptiness that appeared after the disappointment of my own weakness. The former admiration gradually disappeared. I was very offended, but I had no right to it, and I didn’t know how to get rid of this feeling. Therefore, it began to destroy from the inside. “I won’t be able to go to Jeffrey Young’s concert.” “What a tragedy! Listen, I won’t be there either,” the friend was clearly worried about something completely different, “you still can’t do anything. Why worry?” Really. “Your idea with volleyball failed,” of course, I wanted to get closer to Ryan, but he seemed to be moving away from me more and more quickly, “what’s the point of him if we still can’t talk?” “So he came?” “Yes, and fainted.” Jade raised her eyebrow in surprise, and I told her that they were able to help him. Ryan seemed to be constantly surrounded by people, as if he was afraid to be alone with himself. It was even scary. “And by the way, there, in the locker room, I found out that…” I still doubted whether I should say this, but it all came out in one second, “Theo-pushes-drugs-and-he-has-his-own-gang-of-buyers…” “Yes, I know,” she interrupted me, “in English they were constantly whispering about what to sell and to whom, at what price.” These guys came to college not to study, but to earn money. It was already the third week of school — Theo systematically began to skip some lessons, especially the early ones. However, Ryan did not lag behind, and together they wandered around unknown where, late for classes. I suspected that they were not afraid of any sanctions from teachers. Types was generally extremely calm and unshakable. I watched all the videos, found accounts, read all the interviews and bought all the magazines with my lover, and the vision board in the room was covered with his photographs, but what was the point if I didn’t know the man himself? When Theo was away, Lottie kept Ryan company. They also lingered somewhere together… While the biology teacher drilled into us knowledge about reflexes and the fact that they are closely related to habits, and, consequently, to addictions, I was stressing myself out. I turned into a tight spring, threatening to sweep away everything in its path, convinced of the reality of fear. My palms were sweating, I picked at the hangnails, tearing them off until they bled. But I didn’t feel pain. I was distracted so as not to do something worse to myself. How, how wonderful could everything be, that he was happy without Blondie, playing volleyball with us, and now they are somewhere together, and I… “Stop it, otherwise you will get blood poisoning.” Jade pointed her finger at the notebook paper, which had dark red stains on it. But I couldn’t stop. “These two alone…” I felt dizzy and felt my breathing stop. “Jealousy does not deserve amputation of a finger.” Her words seemed to turn out to be a bucket of ice water… I buried my face in the textbook again and tried to concentrate on my reflexes. I will know this topic perfectly, because every time I see Lottie I feel hatred and begin to tear the skin on my fingers. Is this a mechanism of salvation or self-destruction?.. When they both finally showed up in English (and Lottie was absent, so it was the best lesson… for the first time), I noticed how Theo hugged Jade goodbye. He never did that. My friend was getting closer to the guys by leaps and bounds when I suffered defeat after defeat. “I’m waiting for an explanation,” I looked at her jokingly, crossing my arms over my chest. I unknowingly copied Andre’s behavior. “It doesn’t mean anything,” she just shrugged, “we once again scored the maximum score for our joint scene.” She was such a closed person that she didn’t want to tell me anything. And I had to take her word for it. *** “Due to the fact that you missed the previous two classes, I will explain the task only in general terms,” the curator took out a piece of paper and began to write down the main points, “everyone does it, it is competitive and will show what you are capable of.” Instead of volleyball, I chose to come to the studio — I lost all hope of seeing Ryan in the section. “You have to create concept art for a wristband for a musician: you know, something impressive, memorable. And another poster. He needs a new one. Big. The format is ordinary Whatman paper. Can you handle it?” My head was boiling from everything I heard. But I decided to ask only one thing. “For which musician?” “On the thirty-first of October there will be a concert by the pride of Paris, Jeffrey Young,” I blinked slowly, staring at a young man of about twenty-five, “he ordered us to develop merch and advertising. If you beat the others, you’ll get your winnings,” he took the coveted ticket from his jeans pocket. To the same concert where the guys were going. The questions I was about to ask seemed extremely stupid to me, so he looked at me incredulously and, approaching the exit of the audience, said “You have two weeks.” I couldn’t believe it: I had the opportunity to be next to Ryan, and now it, too, was rapidly slipping away from my hands. There was no inspiring information about Jeffrey on the Internet — only dry facts: where he performed, when, awards, discography, and I didn’t know what to grab onto. Therefore, I hoped that a couple of his compositions would be my starting point. I immediately pressed play on the most popular tracks and started listening with headphones. It was a waking nightmare… Typical dubstep — completely sickening sounds, similar to ultrasound or torture. Shouting, called singing. Artificially created notes on technology, as if all the synthesizers were out of order. It was impossible to listen, much less enjoy. I tore the headset out of my ears, throwing it on the table, and took a few more minutes to come to my senses. I couldn’t imagine how Theo and Ryan got together for his concert. There was amazing competition in the studio — I wanted to walk through the rows and see what ideas everyone else had, but they either blocked the screen of the graphics tablet, or rolled up the paper as soon as I approached, or scribbled in sketchbooks like Lina and Zoe, understandable only them. How could I portray something impressive if I had no idea what to start with?! I sat late in this damn studio trying to come up with something. Each next idea seemed more crazy than the previous one. To be honest, volleyball was easier. I went home terribly devastated. Others clearly knew more than I did — because the essence of the task was told earlier. Time slipped between my fingers — I already doubted my talent, because I didn’t understand what to take on. “The coach reported about your absenteeism,” Andre began the attack immediately after I appeared on the threshold, “where were you?” I told everything as it was and even showed sheets of drawings, just so that he would fall behind. At that moment, my mother was warming up my dinner and did not interfere in the dialogue until a certain moment. “Studio? Are you capable of something original? This requires experience” — usually, I did not attach any importance to his words. But here I was so depressed that every word penetrated firmly under my skin. “She sews excellent dresses for dolls,” Mom proudly sipped her tea and looked reproachfully at her lover. You know, this is not enough to win the competition. This is not enough to get to the concert where Ryan will be. *** “How is the competition going?”, we were sitting in the cafeteria, and while Jade was picking at French fries with a fork, I caught the perfect opportunity to question Lina and Zoe, who sat next to each other, and also to win her over before voting for the position of prefect. “Actually, we play in the same group with Stephen and her brother,” Zoe pointed her thumb at Lina and smiled, “Louis.” I frantically tried to remember where I heard this name… Where the hell? “So, we already have tickets for the concert, we are performing as an opening act. Jeffrey will consider our ideas as a backup option if the competition is weak.” “What does he even look like? You know?” “No, we’ll see him for the first time,” Lina destroyed all hope, “I don’t even listen to that kind of music,” they missed the explanation of the task, like me, because they were at a rehearsal. At that moment, Jade seemed not to be with us… She closely watched the group of four people sitting in front. Then older guys approached them, and then more and more, until a decent crowd of twelve people grew. “Hey, baby,” wow, Theo hugged one of the girls who had just arrived and touched her hands, “take a seat.” The friend silently stood up from her seat, carried the tray and left the cafeteria. Theo, openly flirting with everyone when he was not lazy, tried to strengthen connections, but Ryan, on the contrary, was distant, cold and arrogant, although he routinely kissed Lottie on the cheek. I hurried after Jade, realizing that she wanted to isolate herself from everyone — experiencing grief inside, swallowing resentment and closing herself off. My duty as a friend was to simply be there and support. We understood each other perfectly — jealousy had been eating her up for two and a half weeks, and me for two and a half months. The pain grew more and more when I saw Types with Lottie. But there was a world where these two did not exist. It became a studio. Of course, after what Andre said two days ago, I was overcome by impostor syndrome, so I was so driven that, having not come up with anything new, half an hour after arriving, I threw down my pencils and markers and moved away from the table. At this rate, I’ll be thrown out of here faster than I can squeeze something out of myself. But Christopher was doing great — he handed in the work and sat down with delight at his huge black notebook. There was nothing to lose, so I silently watched, standing behind him, everything he did. “Why them?” there were the same characters as on that poster for the competition. We looked at each other and I sat down next to her and began to listen to the fascinating story. “They personify dependence and freedom, emptiness and fullness, light and darkness, to put it simply” I was surprised at his imagination, because he came up with his own world, which I now wanted to get into, “They are each other’s saviors. A girl with huge wings saves a guy stuck in sins, and he, in turn, shows her how rotten the world can be, and not sugary to the point of cloying. In the end, they move to a completely new level of development, building the world together, anew.” “Your idea can materialize” — the word “saviors” caught my attention. “How?” I can make dolls with these characters. Chris, of course, beamed. And for me it was a great opportunity to make Adele’s dream come true and make her happy on the weekend, because every time she tearfully reminded her of it. And also — study his black notebook up and down. I threw the competition entry into the back drawer — now I was inspired by a new idea and didn’t notice anything around me! Those few days until I was kicked out of the studio had to be used to the fullest! For this work, everything seemed to fall into my hands — I quickly found the necessary parts, hinges and bases for the bodies. For the rest of the time, I drew sketches of the characters' clothes from different angles — and was simply absorbed in creativity. This continued at home, all Saturday afternoon. I felt like I was part of something bigger than a student in a studio and someone’s friend, daughter. *** “I don’t need him, you know?” Sunday morning — I woke up not because of the moans of my mother and stepfather, usually coming from downstairs, but because of their animated but alarming argument. “Leave him, I beg you, I promise, everything will work out,” Andre begged her on his knees while I silently opened the hatch and watched them, “we will manage.” “I don’t want to, I can’t handle it, I can’t stand it,” she almost cried, breaking the strip in her hands in half. “I ask you, let’s try, I will do everything for his future,” Andre himself was almost sobbing, looking her straight in the eyes and holding her hands. What a bastard he is! It’s not for him to carry a child for almost a year! “We already had a delay; if I had taken the pills on time, this wouldn’t have happened.” She blamed only herself, and then said decisively: “Tomorrow I will have an abortion.” “I really want children with you.” With these words, I returned to my room, terribly angry and shocked. He didn’t accept me, didn’t consider me family. He didn’t need me. Now I had to believe that my mother would really do what she said and would not succumb to his influence, because she simply had no right to do this to me! The whole difficulty was that my mother seemed to simply use him, thus healing the wounds that appeared after her divorce from her father. She needed care and attention, and she got it by having fun with him all the time. She didn’t want a child, which means she didn’t want anything to do with him. For now. Of course, for the next few days they pretended that nothing had happened. I hoped that my mother made the right decision, that Andre would fall off on his own over time, and we would be left alone, as it should be. I missed my father. He just so easily gave up everything and left when the income at the confectionery fell a couple of years ago, and until the very end I believed that this would not happen. Their breakup. And especially since Andre, whom she met this spring, will appear in our lives. I wanted to go to my father so as not to tolerate the presence of my stepfather. Ideally, it would disappear, of course. Because I did not believe in their union and relationship, which developed too rapidly: in two months, after my father left, he managed to move in with us, take everything into his own hands, and even turn her against me. Naturally, he didn’t understand anything about education and acted as best he could, which led to the fact that I didn’t care about him. “You need to be more tolerant of him,” my mother always repeated what I needed and didn’t need, and more and more often remained in a neutral position. In the evening, when Adele was brought in again, I couldn’t find a place for myself. This girl and her whims irritated me for the first time — I didn’t even sit down for homework, and was only able to distract myself by mindlessly scrolling through the feed, only for the anger to finally let go, not to mention the competition work, which did not excite me. *** “Tell me,” Jade sat down on a bench in the patio, having first let her homework be copied, “I’m wondering why the always perfectly prepared person didn’t do anything yesterday.” Yes, unlike Robert, I didn’t play smart and gave answers to everyone who needed them. I wanted to win trust and votes in the elections. The verbal dam finally broke, and I, practically starting to roar, remembered everything. In the middle of the story, I noticed sympathy in the eyes, but it was not deep, and this worried me — it was as if the person had become so callous that he was not capable of mercy. But I continued, remembering my father and your mother, how I missed you! Too little time has passed. If they had separated eight or ten years ago, I wouldn’t even remember it. And at a conscious age, when everything is perceived so acutely, it is simply dangerous. “I know for sure: this won’t happen in my future,” I was hinting at a triangle between my mother, father and Andre, “everything will be fine with us, and we will understand each other perfectly,” I looked at the guy standing ten meters away from us and taking a puff. Jade was silent and clearly thought about her own things. My story was very detailed — at least it stretched out over all the breaks — and I expected a violent reaction, and not indifference, and even offense, which I received in the end. “Would you like to meet him?” Of course, more than anything else! “I don’t know how to contact him, he changed his number after he moved.” She looked away from me and stared at her own sneakers. The last lesson had already begun, but my friend could not get away from the wall she was leaning on. “I’m sure one day he will make himself known.” Was she speaking from experience? Because something was definitely bothering her — but no amount of claws could pull it out! I trusted her by telling her such a personal story. I hope I will become a close person to her. *** “So, I think it’s time to hold a vote,” Madame Berthlen addressed the entire class on September twenty-third, “and appoint one of you to the post of prefect.” With all the problems and experiences, I absolutely did not expect that this would happen so soon, so I passively watched what was happening, hoping that I would not be chosen after all. I was faced with so many frustrations that the load seemed completely overwhelming. I was nodding off, fighting sleep, because for the second night in a row I didn’t get enough sleep. They named Esther and Robert, and Ryan and Theo didn’t vote for them, but for Charlotte… they were the only ones who cast a vote. I wasn’t surprised at all — it was useful for them to have someone “of their own” in this place. “Marianne,” I heard my name echo as Madame counted the voices of those raising their hands behind me, and I didn’t even turn around. But two friends did it, looked at the class, realized something for themselves and also raised their hands. You could vote several times, but I didn’t understand why they would do that. Of course, it became obvious to me later. In the meantime… “Marianne de Clinne becomes the new class representative,” my jaw even dropped and she probably landed somewhere in China, because I definitely didn’t expect this! And we should remain silent about instant vigor. Almost everyone voted for me — and if it weren’t for the votes of both guys, I would never have taken this position. Madame Berthlen explained what I needed to do: in addition to monitoring absences, give papers to the director for signature with progress statistics, and also report on the psychological climate of the class. Let’s just say he was getting lukewarm. “It’s good that they chose her and not Robert,” I overheard the conversations of my classmates, learning that I had simply become a lesser evil, “otherwise this smart guy would have noted any delay, even for a second,” here a group of people viciously mocked, “and reported about cheating.” “Yes, and not Esther” she was the main contender for victory, in fact, “every year in a row either she or Robert becomes head girl, and they infuriate you with their mere presence.” I was already not happy about the additional responsibility, but now I began to be even more disappointed. They were my competitors, but… It was as if I was offended on their behalf, because after a while these people would begin to speak negatively about me, too, since they had already done this behind the backs of others. However, my position made itself felt on the very first day — Ryan and Theo came up to me with grins on their faces. “Marianne, don’t mark us as absent, we’ll come running here at the end,” I couldn’t refuse them, you can….” Now Lottie was trying to find an approach to me in order to get out of lessons. And I only began to hate her more. “You understood me?”, She didn’t try to beg or persuade, but immediately began to threaten, “otherwise everyone, including the director, will know that you are covering for them.” When the daughter of the chairman of the Senate tells you this, probably yes, threats really work most successfully. However, she wasn’t the only one who was worried about Ryan’s absences — during physical training, the coach called him and me into the office at the same time. “You missed three practices in a row,” he began to scold us one by one, “I have to exclude you from the team.” I looked indifferently, first at him, then at the guy who was unhappy with listening to all this. “A careless attitude”, a typical choleric person who lost his temper as soon as he didn’t like something, “I knew from the very beginning that it was useless.” He means teach me. I just wasted his time. “And you? Ryan,” he switched to a more affectionate tone, hasn’t shown up even once since he fainted, I want to know what’s wrong. “You are a very capable boy.” Ryan was thinking about something unrelated and was in no hurry to continue the dialogue, crossing his arms over his chest. “Is it father’s fault?” I didn’t understand what he had to do with it? “Yes? Am I right?” The coach tried to reach out to the best player on his team, which made him even drop his arms along his body in surprise. “Really? Is he again deciding for you what to do?” For the first time I saw fear and disgust on Types' face… He turned his back to the man and whispered with bitterness in his voice, “I decide what to do. I will no longer participate in this,” and left the office. “What’s going on with him anyway?” I also wanted to know, so I left the man alone, following my classmate. The hall was already empty by that time, and all the students were in a hurry to change clothes. It was an ideal opportunity to talk privately, but I was afraid to approach. He seemed to be extremely angry. “So, did you quit the section too?”, he said with unusual irritation and… resentment, turning to me. “Yes, that’s what I wanted,” I said the first thing that came to mind, because each subsequent option turned out to be stupider than the previous one. “I would never do this if I were you,” but he wasn’t in my place either. “Why?” Instead of changing, we both grabbed our things and walked out onto the patio as the next class started. I just followed him by inertia, not understanding why. “Because this is the only thing I ever lived for,” we comfortably sat behind tall bushes so that we could not be seen from any point in the college. Note: This was the first time I skipped class. “So what has changed?” “My father demands the impossible from me,” he took out a pack of cigarettes and lit a cigarette, “will you?” “No, thank you,” I answered without thinking and… regretted it. I hated myself for such cowardice — after all, he treated me — “in the sense of the impossible?” “Was the coach right? “Yes,” his voice cracked, but he calmed down, taking puff after puff, “he doesn’t like my passion for volleyball.He believes that this should be done professionally and from childhood. Therefore, he makes money from me in another way.” I knew that his channel consisted of funny videos with gags and was based on teenage love, which received a lot of views: he starred with Lottie and made money from views. For the next twenty minutes, with a glassy look, he talked about how much he liked it at training camps and matches, how he devoted himself to training and how everyone loved him. For real achievements, not lies. It didn’t bother me that he never once took an interest in my life. This was the first time the barrel overflowed and the contents had to be poured out. I just came across it. In the end, we decided to show up for the remaining half of the lesson. “The coach detained us both, and we were talking about the winter match,” Ryan stood up for me too, finding an excellent excuse for the teacher, who had already accused me of all mortal sins because of the post of headman. Ryan continued to act as if nothing had happened. It’s as if that dialogue didn’t happen. Our first real conversation. “Are you really stuck with the coach?”, Jade asked about my terrible tardiness, and I nodded, because our privacy became the first personal secret. At home, as soon as Andre remembered my lateness, which was immediately sent to him by email, he began to actively attack me, raising his voice. I told him what Jade said, and that was the working version for everyone. “But you were expelled.” How quickly he learns everything! “Nobody canceled the final competition. Yes, and they need a support group.” The more captious the claims, the more insidious the excuses became. In the evening, I again remembered the coach’s words about Ryan’s father, and I decided to find all the magazines that published his interviews. Entering the room, I looked for the right box with all these jewelry that I had managed to buy in two months: magazines, postcards, posters, badges… I rummaged among all the things, first carefully putting them aside, and in the end throwing them away so as not to get in the way. Automatically, I came across certificates and letters of honor from a dance competition in which I participated a couple of years ago. There are several of them, about six, maybe more. Memories flashed before me in short flashes: each time my father drove me to the dance club, and after finishing classes he took me back. I hovered, staring at the wall, but my eyes only saw the floating figure of my father. He’s not around, and I gave up dancing because at performances, due to my height, they started pushing me back. Blinking a few times, I shook my head and put them away to the very bottom to find what I needed. Here they are. In a chaotic order, I opened the pages and read diagonally what I already knew by heart. I just didn’t take it seriously. “Does your father help you film your videos?” — question from the interviewer. “Yes, he or his assistants almost always come up with the ideas,” Ryan. “Does your father accompany you on trips, participate in events?” “Yes, he always controls everything that happens around him” “Jonathan Types is France’s most successful director and producer. Are you going to follow in his footsteps?” “It seems like he does everything to make it happen (laughter)” I swallowed hard. Even in interviews, he shouted about his pain, hiding behind laughter so that no one would understand. Ryan was like an appendage of his father. The young guy was not taken seriously as an independent person. And one more thing — I looked through all the magazines lying on the floor several times to finally make sure. No, there can be no mistake. Not a word about the mother… Where is she?