Extraversion Of Death

Illustration: https://sun9-15.userapi.com/impf/0_qtZJhCechulzKdE9qsnoKveAnA8OSH3sxBgw/WIZ6QcQwacg.jpg?size=2256x1268&quality=95&sign=6451c0c815def7351152e367d84f5569&type=album *** Aristotle in the IV century wrote: “From love to hate is one step.” Does it work the other way around? In order to accept my life, I need to run a forty—two kilometer marathon, and in order to fall in love with her — the same amount more © Marianne *** “It’s a pity you didn’t come with us.” And I’m not sorry at all. “Was he really that good?” I buried my face in the phone again, asking my mother a routine question about the composer. She hoped that I was at least one percent out of a hundred interested in their yesterday’s pastime with my stepfather. “Yes! I’m absolutely thrilled. Not only did he graduate from the Conservatory in La Villette, but also…” “She doesn’t listen to you at all.” Andre, at every convenient and inconvenient occasion, made me look guilty, so even now I had nothing left but… “Sorry, Mom. And if a young man shoots a video and participates in the filming of an advertisement, would you also be delighted with him?” …how to change the subject. “Don’t even think about it. There is no future for such people.” Of course, she knew about my infatuation with Ryan, but she treated it condescendingly. He had his own audience of half a million, and he was recognized in Paris, but he had not yet become world-famous. Therefore, she devoted the next ten minutes of breakfast at the common table to moralizing and phrases in the style of: “There is only dirt in show business”, “How will he earn money when advertising and video ideas run out”, “You need to go on dates with those who are studying for a technical specialty.” “What do you mean by dirt?” It was useless to talk to her further, because she, like a stubborn sheep, kept repeating the same thing — about popularity at the cost of sexual relations and pleasure through bed, about drug use during a decline in strength… Andre also inserted something to intimidate. In general, it remained to silently get up from the table, nod his head and, half an hour later, be in college. I was sitting at my desk, preparing for an algebra quiz with Jade, and I remembered my mother’s words. It didn’t fit in my head—how could she say that?! Is she still living in the last century? What kind of sexual relationship, if we are talking about the Internet? There were dozens against each of her arguments, but they were not spoken out loud. “Does Charlotte have a new phone?”, I remembered how yesterday she smashed the last one to smithereens; the price of what she held in her hands exceeded the cost of training for a year. My family could probably buy one, if only the confectionery would become as big a brand as Starbucks or Cinnabon. “Of course, her father can buy them at least every day.”, Jade confirmed my guesses. How could we even be in the same class with such a difference in wealth? I’ve actually always been afraid of death. But now my biggest fear is that this money will disappear. That I would be expelled from college. And I’ll never get to see Ryan again. By the way, he came almost by the hand with yesterday’s guy a minute before the start. “How did you do this exercise”, Jade gently touched Theo in the middle of the lesson, interrupting their very enthusiastic conversation, which attracted the attention of Types too. “In general, I liked it there. Too many people. Well, you know”, Theo, without turning around, put the tablet behind his back. She was angry. She didn’t need that fucking right answer. She was just trying to talk to them somehow. I was also upset — but in place of Jade, I didn’t act so head-on, because when it doesn’t work out from time to time, all confidence disappears. “Lottie, listen, Theo knows a new place …”, snatches of conversation reached me when the guy called Charlotte. Lottie?! Only Ryan called her that… My insides clenched with resentment, but my legs continued to walk down the corridor. Jade helped me walk while I was shaking, and I found myself at the end of a line of students. The next lesson was French, and it was taught by our homeroom teacher, whom I had just had to get acquainted with. A break of five minutes was only enough to move from one building to another. “I have an important announcement: I want to remind you that at the end of the month we will choose the head of the class.” If they were fighting, then maybe they don’t really have such a good relationship?.. “Therefore, take a closer look at your classmates. We will hold a vote. As you know, we do not have viscol officers*, so their responsibilities fall on your shoulders.” No, I can’t believe he came up with a special name for her! “The headman will monitor all students and track absences, reporting to the director. This is a very honorable and important position.” What? Abruptly, all her words fell on me like an avalanche from a cliff. This is another way out of the situation! I will be able to find out everything about him, and also talk when the opportunity arises! “If you wish, write your name on a piece of paper now and give it to me. When the deadline comes, those who want to see you in this post will raise their hands.” Esther, a sporty and fit girl, very nimble, got up first and took a piece of paper to Madame Bertlen. Robert, the one who bragged to everyone yesterday after chemistry, got up from his desk second, and also gave his name. Then Charlotte got up, so complacently, as if she was the lioness of this pride and no one else dared to apply except her. Gracefully, with a model gait, she walked across the parquet and, holding a piece of paper between her fingers, waited for it to be pulled out. Madame Bertlen just sighed and took it from her; Jade encouraged me while I frantically wrote down my terribly long name. It seemed so uncomfortable and… inappropriate to me for the first time! Having blown up from the spot, I ran to her, holding out my own. Walking back, instead of looking at Ryan, I noticed the contempt on Charlotte’s face. How she hated me… “What about the drawing contest?” quite a big guy, taller than everyone in the class, gave his voice. “The results will be known next week when the commission returns from vacation, Stephen.” “What kind of competition is this?” I asked Jade when we went out on the patio during the big break. After two hours of French language and literature, my head was visibly boiling. “Just like in a kindergarten.” Jade was a woman of few words. No wonder — she tried to get into the conversation between the guys again, and they tactfully ignored her. Now the two were sitting by the fountain, smoking cigarettes together with high school students who studied at a lyceum nearby. It was, in fact, a bad idea. We spent the first half hour in physical training doing gymnastics and acrobatic tricks, and at the end the coach planned volleyball, so he divided the students, and Jade and I were on the same team. I was trembling so much with excitement that I almost fainted, waiting for where the lot would point to Ryan, but he turned out to be on the side of the opponents. Theo remained on the bench on his own initiative… As soon as the game started, I couldn’t concentrate on the ball, noticing only one, the most desirable guy in this room and memorizing all the angles in which I managed to see him. I missed two, three goals. However, any loss I made meant victory for him, so he was smiling. Dazzling. The coach was indignant and rolled his eyes because of my “amazing” game, probably endlessly. And Ryan, it seems, still had no desire to quit sports — he was extremely passionate about the game and gave himself to it completely. Their team was rapidly gaining points, and after our predictable defeat, everyone who played with him ran up to the guy, congratulating and shouting words of delight. It was a surprise to me that the victory brought them so much closer. Here, in the gym, he enjoyed success, while in other classes he behaved aloof and independent. “I want to study in the section.”, After the end of the game, I went to the coach’s office, where all the equipment was stored, so that he would add me to the lists of participants. I was determined. Only now he started a tirade about how nothing would work for me, with my reaction, which he managed to see. That I will reduce the effectiveness of the game… “Not like Ryan, he’s a real talent.” Types have just come to stack the balls. “Maybe you will still come to the training and honor us with your presence?” “Yes, Coach, of course.” Ryan looked at him wearily, and then his gaze lingered on me and left the room. “Okay, you can try,” after the guy left, the coach looked at the cups standing in the closet, smiled and handed me the schedule, frowning, “but the only pass is and you are excluded. There is a winter match between colleges ahead.” Classes were held three times a week — on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, after all lessons, for an hour or two. Does he visit them ALL? With his filming, events, and this study… The last lesson was English. The class was divided into two groups and Jade and I found ourselves in different classrooms. Oh my God… Charlotte was in my half. And I was cut off from my friend, Theo and, most importantly, from Ryan. In elementary school, I studied German — my dad assigned me to that group because we have relatives in Germany. And my English was not bad… It was like nothing. I started studying it because of Ryan, because he writes his blog in this language. I quickly gave up and pressed the automatic language translation button. Therefore, now I, who am at the elementary level, found it necessary to equalize my level with the class. I hated English, and I hated Charlotte even more. My head became the quintessence of dislike and nausea. Emotional swings not only deprived me of calm, but also hit me in the back of the head so that I remained senseless and was a lifeless shell in such seconds. I didn’t even try to figure out what we were doing, and counted the minutes when this nonsense would end. The language wouldn’t give in to me, and I wouldn’t give in to it when tourists came up, trying to find out something about the city. Every word and idiotic rule sounded in my head like the noise from a broken TV. I had a premonition that a migraine would start soon at this rate. And it didn’t take long after I heard how much we were given as a homework. That damn thing was on the schedule two whole times. This is, of course, less than in the volleyball section, but at least Ryan will be there! When I finally went out into the cool corridor, I found Jade saying goodbye to the guys at ease, and Theo even answered her warmly somehow! I raised an eyebrow. “What has changed in these fifty-five minutes?” We left college, and this time I decided to see her off, and Theo and Ryan were leaving together again, and it spoiled her mood. However, she began the story. “We were divided into groups, and I ended up with them. The task was to talk to each other without an accent, as naturally as possible, as if we were native speakers”, — here it seemed to me that in her place I would not be able to connect two words, “both speak it well. So, we got the highest score out of all the groups.” I was amazed at how interactive their classes are! Because we worked with the dictionary for almost an hour and wrote to the words of the association… Boredom. “In the end, Theo said that if someone else had been in my place, they would not have won.” Everything fell into place. Now my friend has also become useful for them. *** In fact, Jade became beneficial to me as well — I grabbed her as a lifeline to help in English. On Wednesday, on a special day for etudes** and independent work, we called. Volleyball didn’t start until next week, so I was on my own. I was just sad that I wouldn’t see Ryan. “You know, I was upset yesterday for a reason.” Jade switched back to French, apparently tired of obsessive thoughts.It’s for the best — I’m tired of the four-hour run of all the words of the memory and her endless explanations. I understood at most a quarter of it anyway! “They shut themselves off from everyone. Yesterday, when it was over, Theo told Ryan: “Have you forgotten? We have a case,” and I understood that I remained at a distance. I felt very lonely.” At that moment, I wanted to hug her terribly. It turned out that their classes were often reformed before, so she never became friends with anyone — she looked at people for a long time and didn’t trust anyone. On the contrary, I was friends with everyone in the last college, but superficially. I didn’t have any friends either. Theo accidentally caught her attention, which made her genuinely interested in him. He was the first person for whom she had such a strong feeling—and no one could say what it would lead to. On Thursday, during French literature, Madame Bertin left the classroom, giving us an assignment. She was a trusted person in the commission, so she had to attend the announcement of the results of the drawing contest. After completing the work, I went to hand over the sheet, and I felt someone approaching from behind. I was already turning around when Ryan hastily put down his piece of paper and turned to me: “Listen, I still want to ask…” Then my palms were sweating, I was shaking, but I tried to keep my composure. There must be a catch here, after all. “What did the coach say about me then, on Tuesday?” Ah, that’s it… “It was obviously about me, wasn’t it?..” The-fact-that-you-are-the-best-volleyball-player-in-the-world-and-he-is-proud-of-you-looks-at-the-cups-considers-talent-the-hope-of-this-college… “Yes. He said that only you can lead the team to victory during the winter match between colleges.” I used manipulation. Of course, the coach didn’t say that. “Why did he tell you that?” “Because now I will have someone to take an example from.” I said that I also signed up for the section, to which he only sighed irritably and sat down. “So, are you going to visit it?”, — I couldn’t calm down. “I really, really want it.” I considered it a victory, although I didn’t get any definite answer. Charlotte didn’t like it—she was watching our dialogue and didn’t take her eyes off me. Later, during the English class, I paid for it. *** “Bitch! How much I hate her!” On Friday we had a written survey, and thanks to a friend, I learned all the words perfectly. But Charlotte announced to the whole class that I was cheating. Of course, they didn’t find any clues from me. But trust had already been eroded; and we called Jade and discussed all this. “She’s a real bastard.” Of course, we were no better than Blondie, insulting her behind her back. But there was no limit to my indignation! I understood that she was imposing on Ryan, so the fear of losing him provoked her to such actions. But I definitely wasn’t going to be a punching bag. “Last year,” Jade began to pour out her soul, “this bitch humiliated me in front of everyone, saying that I didn’t deserve to study here, because my mother would ruin the reputation of the college, especially by appearing at general meetings,” I froze at these words and my friend, it seems, too, “and they would happily throw me out from here.” Her resentment had been maturing for a very long time, I just needed to push her to tell me… and what was wrong with her mother, I was afraid to ask. “The most important thing is that Ryan just didn’t say anything. He could have shut her up, but he didn’t do anything, just looked at her with contempt. I realized that it was not profitable for him to quarrel with her.” Stayed by her side… Just didn’t say anything… It didn’t fit in my head. A day later, I remembered our conversation, sitting with Adele, a five-year-old girl whom I had to look after on behalf of my mother’s sister, and played with her in rag dolls that I sewed myself. This girl was like a breath of fresh air in the midst of all this turmoil — so naive and funny, she distracted me from longing. “Let’s draw!” I have always loved this business and at the same moment I took out markers and colored paper. Art really fascinated me, and for the next four hours I didn’t notice anything around, drawing new dresses for dolls and postcards with sequins. “I want superhero dolls.” “Someday I will definitely make them for you.” She always inspired me to do what I really wanted to do. On weekdays, I felt guilty if I drew — after all, it would be more useful to improve English, or computer science, for example! So I was in spiritualization. Sunday night was ruined by my stalking Ryan. As usual, checking his subscriptions a thousand times, I switched to Charlotte’s profile. Instinctively, I started flipping through her accounts, and soon noticed a painfully familiar photo with a plaid on the Champ de Mars. It was Ryan’s new account, and it was private, this time, in French.This meant that his real world was closed from the public. I even picked up that forgotten magazine that I bought on the first day of school. In desperation, with trembling hands, cut out his photo, ruthlessly discarding other people. I needed to calm down somehow. Now the wish board is completely filled. Delirious, I sent him a request, hoping for the best. But literally half an hour later, he rejected it — because all fifteen followers that he had were favorites, and each of them saw every new publication, note or story hidden from all other ordinary, unremarkable people. But I need, by all means, to find out what he lives by and who he is subscribed to. I need to get into his closest circle. And now I know how to do it.