Extraversion Of Death

Illustration: https://sun9-31.userapi.com/impf/W4f2HCfDmJ2mNA9N4soS4-fjXXTsrRpbIpRBAw/yN8jJDn_h1w.jpg?size=1600x1072&quality=95&sign=ed1f6167314eb9939ea9d22d176ad152&type=album *** Curiosity is a form of addiction that contributes to the ruthless destruction of the personality of everyone inexorably stuck in it © Marianne *** I watched with fascination the object of my two—month admiration sitting in front — his most ordinary actions caused awe and adoration: the way he nervously fidgeted in his chair, wrung his fingers and shook his leg up and down, as if he had a tic. Frantically flipped through the tape of posts, blocked the screen; unlocked it again and continued flipping. He paid no attention to the chemistry teacher who had come a long time ago, noting the students present. All my anger seemed to be transferred to him, because I had only ecstasy left. So Ryan is the surprise. Now it’s clear where my parents put the money, for which premium college — even Andre helped with a percentage. Reaching for the notebook in the backpack, out of the corner of my eye I noticed the glossy cover of the magazine I bought in the morning. Now he seemed so useless and unnecessary: here is this man, in front of you, and he stood up for you… Though in revenge for another. “Charlotte Bonnet?” Some kind of deja vu. I’ve definitely heard that name before. But where, when and why — the memories were blocked. I don’t care, it was enough to feel the happiest on the planet. I sat there smiling and triumphant. The level of serotonin from his presence so close in my brain went through the roof, causing my whole being to disconnect from the world almost to the point of unconsciousness. It was only after Jade gently touched my hand that I looked at her and saw sympathy for the cakes that Charlotte mercilessly crushed. Was I upset? Of course not! “Marianne de Clinne?” But now I was concerned about something completely different. “Present at the lesson?” Jade frantically nodded towards the teacher so that I would give voice. “Yes.” In fact, I was far away. Almost like that junkie. Somehow, hearing was completely cut off; vision narrowed to the object of adoration. Nothing was perceived around. “Theodor Lambert?”, I heard it like in a dream. Suddenly, the door to the auditorium cautiously opened, and while the woman was looking around at the teenagers waiting for an answer, a breathless and sloppy type in glasses entered. It was a swarthy brown-haired man in a crumpled T-shirt and wireless headphones, which he took off on the go. “I’m here,” he was shaking, trying to catch his breath. Such behavior, in fact, has already said a lot. Theo had never cared about punctuality, responsibility, or anything like that. The contrast was that I was going to be the best of the best here, so as not to let my parents down, and he was not interested in such things. He didn’t care about classes and, as it turned out later, even college itself. Madame raised an eyebrow as Theo whispered, “I’m sorry.” “Come on, take the remaining seat. Next time, being late will be considered a pass and we will inform your parents.” For some reason, the guy thought it was funny. He literally flopped down next to Ryan and was still trying to catch his breath, grinning and shaking his head from side to side. Jade and I exchanged glances, and she shrugged: it was the first time she’d seen this guy, too. He’s new, just like me. He furtively looked at is new neighbor while he was still angry and did not look at anything around. Ryan even responded aggressively when the teacher got to his last name and first name on the list — so Theo found out what his name was. However, Lambert fell fast asleep with his arms crossed on the desk and his head on his elbows. He didn’t care that we started solving the test, which is always arranged for the initial assessment of knowledge. Jade, sitting in the back, tried to wake him up by slapping him on the back, but in vain. Ryan noticed this and suddenly decided to help — he shook him by the shoulder, and then clamped his nose and mouth with his fingers to block his breathing. Cruel, isn’t it? But it worked. Theo looked irritably at the “savior” while he was poking at the screen of the tablet that all the students had, trying to convey what must be done. To Jade’s and my surprise, this newcomer decided not the easiest test for knowledge of chemical reactions just ten minutes before the end of the lesson, although he slept through the whole beginning of it. I must say that we all immediately got our results, and I, who was puzzling over the test for half an hour, saw sixty—three percent on the screen, when Theo — all ninety. Fifteen more than Ryan. “Do you understand this shit?”, Ryan was genuinely surprised by the result of his neighbor and did not hide his admiration for this. “I had to understand”, Theo said significantly and locked the screen, getting up from his seat, because the lesson was over. He didn’t seem to attach any importance to what he did, as if it was the most ordinary thing in the world to get such high scores. “Eighty—eight”, the short guy loudly informed everyone about the result and began to reason over the mistakes, “You, Zoe, should have chosen a different answer…” “Even Robert has less,” Jade looked back, nodding towards the crowd as we left the classroom, “this is our local smart guy.” He boasted to everyone who surrounded him from all sides. The teacher didn’t single out someone in front of the whole class, and Theo would easily outshine this guy, but he didn’t do it. They walked with Ryan in front and talked about something else entirely… “What, was it a really crazy night?” Walking down the hallway, Ryan openly ignored Charlotte, ignoring her apologies, and chatted casually with Theo. He nodded contentedly. “Don’t even ask!”, he laughed and motioned for him to follow. “Listen, I need to…” We didn’t find out what he wanted, because they obviously wanted to talk in private. They sat down on one of the benches in the spacious hall and did not notice anyone except each other: Theo listened attentively to Ryan while he explained something. Charlotte blushed with indignation, and then disappeared with her fair — haired Monica, from our field of vision. We were leaning against the wall, about fifteen meters away from the guys. And if she started talking about classmates… “Do you know him well?” She knew perfectly well who I was talking about, because she saw my crazy look. “We hardly talked”, — she said about it with some regret, “because if he gets close to someone, it means that it is profitable for him.” I frowned and stared at her questioningly, waiting for a reaction, but she just shrugged. “How did you understand what was beneficial to him?” I didn’t let up and followed her, agreeing to take a walk. “To do this, you should just watch him more closely, — she looked intently at Theo, who was holding Ryan’s phone in his hands and typing something, — he, by the way, is also useful to Types in some way.” Up until the next break, Jade and I didn’t talk about Ryan—I wanted my obsession for him to be less obvious! And it seems that he was still angry at Charlotte and did not react to her ingratiation. But he and Theo corresponded in messengers with might and main, and I didn’t have time to understand how they became best friends so quickly… Okay, I can forget about the fact that he was offended by her. Because after the lesson, when we were in the courtyard, sitting on benches, this bitch came up to him and handed him a pack along with a lighter. He barely looked at her while she took out a cigarette, and then lit it when it was in his mouth. I knew it was a very expensive brand because Andre had smoked the same kind once. That’s where she and Monica disappeared at the previous break. I looked at Jade questioningly, waiting for a reaction, but she just sighed. “What did you want? This is an elite college, and some are allowed to do anything because they sponsor it”, she inserted a straw into a glass and sipped the juice. In the previous place where I studied, it was forbidden even to use phones during lessons. But I said something else out loud. “Sponsored?” “Yeah, you know who Ryan’s dad is, right?” — I nodded because he was a very famous producer. “The son comes every year with a huge check, while the father is holed up at home.” She said it with bile in her voice, as if she was annoyed. A fountain of questions filled my head, but she shut it up. “Ryan’s only been hanging out with Charlotte all these years. They have their own company and the entrance by VIP passes, in other words, they do not need anyone.” Listening to all this, I lowered my head, feeling my face burn. “Come on,” she finally looked at me and stroked my head, “he’s very self—sufficient. Charlotte is hovering around himto and Monica hovering around Charlotte, and as long as they both have something to give, he is happy with their company. I looked up at her, pulled the magazine out of my backpack, handed it to her and continued listening to the confession. “Wow, it’s so serious.” Being a celebrity fan isn’t the worst thing in the world. So I wasn’t ashamed. “Monica’s father is a policeman, you know? And Charlotte is the president of the Senate,” Jade sighed heavily, and I remembered Alain Bonnet, who flashed in the news, “these are opportunities.” She decided not to say out loud which ones. Even the dumbest understood what was being discussed, but it didn’t get any easier for me. I can't give him anything! “None of this concerns us.” And it really, really concerns me! “The main thing for the rest of the students is to pay and somehow pass the exams, that’s all.”, Jade finished her juice and, crumpling the glass, threw it on the grass, even though the urn was a meter away from her. “What? The cleaners will clean up because it’s their job.” It’s not that I was a Greenpeace environmentalist, but I was very surprised by this act. I didn’t say anything, just so as not to quarrel with… a friend? It seems I still have a lot to learn about this place…. *** “Some lessons can be mercilessly skipped”, Ryan taught Theo survival, happily sharing the secrets of his own success, “the main thing is to have time to come to the end of the lesson so that you are marked as present.” My idol was obviously interested in his new acquaintance, because his behavior was quite… unusual? Even Jade confirmed it. “Now I’m testing the limits of how much you can forget about studying,” Ryan smirked smugly, “last year we had such a freestyle that it’s still a mystery to me how I could pass all the exams so easily.” Theo looked at the new acquaintance incredulously, while I, on the contrary, believed everything he said. He was the person I adored the most, and I could miss the words of the teacher, but not that came from the mouth of this guy. After all, I wanted him to explain all this to me! Then the strangest feeling in the world came to me: I began to be jealous of Ryan for him. I mean, he’s new, isn’t he? Like me. And he was able to get his attention. Why did he start getting close to him so quickly? What can he give him?! The feeling of injustice, like acid, dissolved the internal organs and burned the ribs. I was sick of resentment, but I couldn’t stop listening to their whispers. Until, of course, they were reprimanded. They immediately started up and moved away from each other; I rejoiced. Everything I had felt over the past few hours made me dizzy. It was a real firework of emotions, deafening and blinding. During the next big break, which lasted two hours, the two guys only got closer: Ryan ignored Charlotte and behaved distantly; they discussed something very important with Theo: both, choking and immediately smiling with anticipation, interrupted each other and, obviously, exchanged some ideas. Jade and I didn’t reach such an understanding on the first day, so she reacted irritably to any of my attempts to talk about the idol of my whole life. I guessed that he had somehow framed her badly in the past. I could only watch him from afar, eat lunch in the cafeteria, get acquainted with classmates, hardly remembering their names. Due to the fact that each reprimand from the teachers was punished with a fine, namely, by subtracting points from the overall rating, the guys thought of creating a conversation for four in the messenger and now they were communicating there, together with Charlotte and Monica, and, of course, I could not know anything new! This event struck my heart, my hands were shaking with anger! How did Theo do it?! Did I have to be late to sit next to him too? Or is it something else entirely? During the last break, I saw how Ryan did not hide his adoration for Theo and shut Charlotte up in every possible way when she tried to attract attention to herself: “Listen, he managed to do what you didn’t.” She was just as jealous as I was. And if I hated her before, now we have something in common. When Types' acquaintances met on their way, he immediately introduced them to Theo. It was amazing. He stopped noticing Charlotte at all. Could his revenge be so merciless? Jade, at the same time, looked very disappointed and upset. She was watching the same thing: Theo was getting closer to Ryan. Something was bothering her.but I was already worried that she was silent! Anyway, after school, we clearly saw how Ryan and Theo left together in the car, leaving the ubiquitous Charlotte and Monica. Blondie lost her temper so much that she smashed her phone on the asphalt. Jade and I didn’t care what happened next, and we went home. We lived in completely different directions, but she wanted to see me off: after all, it was the first day here, and it was getting dark quickly. In half an hour of walking, we managed to discuss all the teachers and subjects, exchanged phones, Instagram profiles, and even agreed to call before going to bed. On my arrival home at five-thirty in the evening, my mother, surprisingly, began questioning: why I was late, how classes went, who I met; and I guessed that she was just interested in finding out what the money was spent on. In the end, I just threw a box from a pastry shop with crushed cakes at her feet so that she could see everything firsthand. Andre didn’t like my behavior, and after they saw the contents of the box, tension arose between everyone. “You have no idea what kind of people study there”, I headed for the stairs leading to the attic, and added that I was tired. They didn’t mind. I should have been glad to see Ryan, but I felt only confusion along with bitterness, jealousy and resentment. Yes… instead of a healthy, young body, I felt only meat heavy on the bones, wanting to forget, lying on the bed under the round window. The guy did not leave here either: the wish board hung right above the headboard and now the ideal image of the saint was strikingly different from what the guy turned out to be in reality. I lay for about an hour, thinking and already looking differently at the model posing in all the frames. My attention was attracted by one photo shoot, which I had not previously attached such great importance to: a girl was standing next to Ryan, playing a couple (this was probably the plot). Now it became clear who it was. Charlotte, damn it. I tore off three photos and cut off the part where this bitch was. The cursed board granted wishes, so I didn’t want to see her again, either on the board or in my life. I only wanted Ryan. For the next half hour, I studied all his publications and photos for the hundredth time; endlessly flipped through all the articles and posts that were related to him. I had a naive hope that he would subscribe to me mutually. I waited for a notification every five minutes, but it was so stupid… And yet, I couldn’t stop. “Marianne, what are you doing?”, my mother’s voice brought me out of my trance and immediately made me feel guilty, “have you already completed all the tasks that were set for tomorrow?” “What’s the matter?” I opened the trapdoor leading to the attic and stared at her. “Andre and I are going to the Philharmonic, and you just have to come with us, it will be an amazing concert with a new composer who…” She doesn’t even try to at least look interested about anything that might concern me. “No.” “What do you mean by this no?!” Then we had a half-hour debate about the importance of unity with the family, which is already essentially gone, and cultural education, in which she is so carefully invested, and I mercilessly trample it on the vine. “We don’t have much time,” Andre smiled at her, but didn’t even look at me, “you’ve already spent a lot of it.” Stepfather always knew how to say something that would drive me to white heat! He managed to pit me against her in such a way that I always, always remained guilty. This time, then, he pointed out to her that she was trying to talk to her own daughter, and she was going to refuse. Just to spite him, I was already ready to go to this fucking philharmonic! In a kind of semi-conscious state of rage, I did the assigned lessons, and this cooled my ardor. So two more hours passed, and then Jade and I, as agreed, called by video before going to bed. “And what did you do before that?!” I said that I was completely obsessed with this guy, because I watched fan videos with his participation, collages and collections without stopping, and also periodically checked which new accounts he subscribed to. Among them was Theo! “Really?”, Jade was more surprised than me and immediately decided to change the topic of the dialogue, “and what is that on your wall?” I reflexively turned back and saw a wish board, on which, of course, there were only photos with Ryan. Without further ado, I got up, walked closer to it and began telling my friend the story of each clipping, each drawing and each printed photo. She was amazed at how obsessed I was. “Yes… you’re in a lot of trouble.” There was an awkward silence. Yes, I got into trouble… but how to live with it? “How did Theo do it?”, I suddenly ask, completely desperate in my abilities. No one knew the answer to this question, but Jade was not going to give up. “Listen, you need to specially appear in those places where he happens to be”, my new friend saw the drooping state and decided to cheer me up by all means, “I remember he went to the volleyball section. He has always won prizes, and at home, according to rumors, he has a lot of cups and medals. Try it, maybe one day you will see his awards with your own eyes.” I suddenly shone. Here’s a chance! If this is so important to him, then most likely he will continue his studies this year. And it’s unlikely that Theo and Charlotte will be there!..