Unnecessary pattern

      The loud cries of the children, who seemed to be friends not so long ago, rang in my ears. It felt like my head was going to explode. Ilya’s angry look pressed on me, I still didn’t understand what he didn’t like, why did he get so angry? But the fact is the fact; I was sitting with my back against the old wall of the garage, so unloved by me.       — So that you die. Hate. Ilya spoke in a low voice, his hands were shaking, either from tension or from guilt.       — I’m glad I was able to help let off steam. — I answered him, trying to squeeze out a kind and at the same time caring tone. A smile graced my face, although it rather disfigured me. After all, a crimson liquid oozed down the lower lip and out of the nose, which remained on the offender’s knuckles. For some reason it seemed very nice: his posture, angry look, as well as insults that I no longer tried to make out seemed very beautiful, but at the same time scary.       — To hell with it, let’s go. — Ilya left before I could get to my feet. Blowing the hair off my forehead, I had to put a lot of effort in order not to fall again. But the strength left my body, and I didn’t want anything else. I heard some guys laughing at the scene that had played out. “This little story has already begun to turn into a legend.” — flashed through my head. According to the latest version, I attacked Ilya after we did not share something, but he ended this senselessness with one strong blow. And he defeated me — an idiot, a schizophrenic who attacks people.

***

      “I shouldn’t make adjustments to this situation.” I thought. This was the last thought that flashed through at that moment, after that there was only emptiness. I didn’t notice how I got to my house, didn’t notice how I entered it, and didn’t notice how I got into the shower to wash off the dirt and blood from my body. It was only when I was standing under it that I started to cry. But not grief, not anger, but resentment against himself. They flowed down my cheeks, picked up by drops of water. Hands tried to wipe them, but the attempts were in vain, because it was not even tears, but hysteria, turning into screams.        “If only I could reach the phone.” — flashed through my head, but this thought instantly dissolved, turning into: “No. It is impossible, otherwise I will remain a weakling.”       After getting out of the shower, I dug my knuckles into the sink, so that they turned white, and lowered my head, as if exhausted. My gaze rose higher; my face was reflected in the mirror hanging opposite: eyes with red circles around, a hooked nose, black dots, a swollen lip. “Thank God I don’t have to go to training today.” I thought, looking away. Swaying, he headed towards his room to put on his underwear.       My nose still hurt, and I had to put a plaster on my lip. The strange thing was that I had no resentment against the suddenly enraged Ilya, just like I had no resentment against my classmates. She was only at herself, at her own weakness and inability to get into fights.       Yes, there were only rumors about this in our class, no, all along the parallel. They said I couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone hit it; and it was true. I can’t do such a bad thing to a person, no matter how cruel he is to me. But he just loved to be sarcastic and trash, which only helped to anger the offenders. That’s why the school psychologist told me: “You have a soft character, and …” — I have already forgotten the continuation, as I considered it unimportant. Although I didn’t consider it a disadvantage, many people said that.

***

      So several hours passed. Resentment no longer broke my chest, did not create discomfort. And the anger that splashed out on the pages of his personal diary left his body, leaving a pleasant feeling of emptiness. It didn’t last long, until my mom and my brother arrived. Over the past time, I have managed to do my homework, clean up the house and play a little Roblox.       — Hi, Mom,” I said, going out into the hallway.       — Hello, son,” she said and cast a quick appraising glance at the face. “Got into a fight?”       — There are a few. But don’t worry, I won.       — Yeah. Tell me with whom and for what reason. The question sounded creepy, like a warning. Although I knew what she wanted to know for the good of me, however, a slight shiver ran down my spine.       — Yes, probably because of someone. And it was definitely Ilya. — the younger brother suggested.       — Yes, it was like that.       — Well, okay then,” Mom replied, bringing the bags in. — Since Dad is on the clock, today we have a little holiday.       My little brother pulled out a package with white cardboard boxes from behind his back. A pleasant, beloved fragrance immediately hit my nose.       — Go take them to the kitchen, put down the glasses. We’ll change and join you. — mom gave instructions, hanging her jacket from her shoulders.

***

      This evening was simply beautiful. Rolls, soda, TV series — everything was delicious and pleasant. But still the feeling of shame did not leave me. First of all, in front of my father. He was never happy with such gatherings, so they were in secret.       And in principle, he did not like it when someone was not engaged in their duties or work. For me and my brother — lessons, mom — cooking, and he… he could afford to rest. Although you can’t blame him for that, because Dad was very tired at work. After finishing dinner and having a great time, I cleared everything off the table and decided to take a shower again. It was one of the few activities in the house that brought me a pleasant feeling.

***

      The next day, everything was as I thought. The children discussed my failure, laughed and even tripped me up a couple of times. Not to say that it didn’t happen before, but it was still unpleasant. Only two people did not take part in the gossip: Ilya and Dima, my best friend. He always stood up for me, which is why, at one point, I realized that I had something more than friendly feelings for him.       He was tall, handsome, and quite strong. Many boys were afraid of him. More precisely, impressive dimensions: height — one hundred and eighty-five and weight — seventy-nine, gained, of course, by muscles, kept saying: “Bitch, don’t come near me. Fuck off.” That’s what I liked about him. His frenzied aggressiveness on the outside, and a warm little kitten inside.       — Hi,” he said, running up when he saw that I had been tripped. — Bitch, what are you doing? Are you looking for something?       — Don’t worry. It’s okay,” I whispered softly, while, grabbing Dima’s hand, I was getting up from my bruised knees. There will be a bruise tomorrow.       — What the fuck is “normal”?! These bitches…       — Don’t worry, I’m fine. You’d better watch your reputation. After all, you received the last warning from the administration.       — I hate that trait in you,” the guy muttered under his breath. “But still, you just tell me.       — Absolutely, — a complete lie, — you’re my best friend.       — Yeah, — Dima tried to hide his embarrassment, because I was the only one at school with whom he did not communicate with his fists. — Let’s go to class.       This day starts much better than the previous ones. At least, because all the time before the start of lessons, we talked with him. Although he was a pretty dangerous guy, but deep down, which I was able to access; he turned out to be a very vulnerable and kind little boy who dreamed of writing his book about the post-apocalyptic world. It seemed very nice to me.       So several lessons passed. Classmates calmed down a little, although perhaps it seemed to me; after all, Dima was always with me. Somewhere between the third and fourth lessons, my younger brother joined us, so the discussion of girls, from the point of view of sexuality, was immediately stopped and postponed to the next day. It was obvious how at first, Dima sometimes felt uncomfortable, because he was not used to communicating with him, but the guy eventually melted away, completely surrendering to communication with a small, hyperactive miracle.       The way my best friend tried to adapt and filter his vocabulary, which was rather polluted with obscene words, caused me genuine emotion and a smile. And when the little vampire, who had drunk a huge amount of energy and strength, still left, I saw a picture of complete relaxation.       He was lying on my side of the desk, with his hands under his chin, while I was massaging his trapezius, large and small round, subacute and belt muscles. This caused him tension, and obvious pain, because they were clogged; but he never uttered a single exclamation against, sometimes moaning with pleasure. After all, all athletes, at least a little, but masochists. Quickly taking out my phone, I captured it.

      Dima sat next to me according to the seating arrangement, the teachers never made comments to us, unless they asked us to talk more quietly, because they always knew that I had information for several topics ahead and, if anything, I would make them learn Dima. Therefore, he had good grades.

***

      When the lessons ended, we packed up and went to our homes. Apparently remembering what happened yesterday, Dima offered to walk me home; I gladly accepted his offer.       We walked through the deserted streets of the private sector, trying to convince each other on the topic of feminism. He opposed him based on the games. And I was in favor, trying to explain to him the very essence that once existed in him, and, to be more precise, when it did not become an idea. This went on until my house, but we did not agree on any one opinion, and everyone remained at his own.       — All right. Thank you for seeing me off,” I told him, taking out the keys to the house with a huge number of key chains.       — Ta… you’re welcome, you remember that I…       — Yes, I remember. Thank you. — I didn’t let him finish, having already inserted the key into the keyhole. My arm was paralyzed, I didn’t want to part. “Just for a minute. I don’t want to go home.” The thoughts screamed in my head as I looked at his face.       — Listen, I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Dima began to crumple, “are you free tomorrow? If so, let’s take a walk…       — Look, you know how busy my schedule is,” I began, as I saw the sadness in my friend’s eyes. — Okay, I’ll see, if anything, I’ll write. — Dima immediately cheered up, a smile filled his face; how open he is with me after all.       — Okay,” he said, glancing at the watch on his left wrist, “I have to fuck off to practice. Look, don’t die until tomorrow. — Dima held out his hand to me, and I answered him. Pain shot through my hand, but I didn’t want to show it. After finishing the handshake, he turned around and walked towards his house.       And I, turning around one hundred and eighty degrees, went into the garage, which was a kind of buffer zone between the street and the living room. The smell of dust, unloved by me, hit my nose. After locking my brother-in-law and hanging up my clothes, I headed towards my room. The younger brother met me with joy on his face, simultaneously asking me to explain the topic while dad is not at home, because he did not like it…       I gave up all my chores: such as food, household chores, cleaning the room; after all, the sooner I can explain the topic, the more likely it is that I will have time to do everything else before leaving for training. It was a surprise to me that Anton, my brother, did not understand the topic of mathematics, because, unlike me, he was not a humanitarian. Fractions. This topic at his age was problematic for me as well.       Fortunately, I quickly explained this topic to my brother. But I had the feeling that he was deceiving me. There was no time left to think, I had to rush around the house in order to have time to do everything I was instructed to do: clean up several rooms, wash all the dishes, load things into the washing machine, hang up the previously washed and iron them.       On the clock, when things were over, the numbers “18:32” were emblazoned, indicating that at least an hour and a half remained before the workout. There was nothing to do, that’s from the word at all. Food can’t be cooked in half an hour, clothes are washed in two, and the youngest, it seems, did not need help. At this moment, the phone helped, in which several numbers were entered:       (1) Daddy       (2) Mami       (3) Brother       (4) My (don’t forget)       (5) Dimochka       I didn’t talk to anyone else. And why? We see the children at training every day, at school… Let’s omit this point. And there’s nowhere else. Although I was in pretty close contact with one girl, from the street, who confessed her love to me when she was no more than nine. We talked to her then and agreed that let time pass, and then we will decide everything.       Poking the last number on the screen, calling it — beeps were heard. They lasted quite a bit — about twenty seconds. A voice was heard:       — Hello?       — Hello, hello. How are you there?        — Yes, — he drawled, — only the training is over. Did you want something?       — Well, yes… can I ask you to walk me to the hall? At the same time and truancy…       — Wait for me in twenty minutes. — It will be 18:53. — See you later.       — See you later,” his smile could be felt through the phone, so soft and kind. She was so charming, even in this format, that the tips of my lips lifted.       “Stop. Just twenty minutes?!”, — I took off from my seat, starting in a hurry to put myself in order and put things in a briefcase. Shoes carelessly folded into a cloth bag, two tight black T-shirts, black pants flew into him, their shape could resemble a bell-bottom, but this was not the case; although they increased in diameter to the ends of the legs, they were sewn without pockets, with leather inserts on the belt. I started pouring water into a plastic bottle that was given to my brother for the new year, however, he didn’t need it.       It was quite small, literally a liter, with a gray lid, but not tightly closed, purely due to the fact that the gasket, which is a silicone rubber band, was lost by a small demon when he took it with him to school. However, the fact that the water was constantly flowing out of it did not interfere. The bottle was just convenient, probably the most convenient in my life.       Three minutes later, as I got dressed and stood near the house, Dima appeared in the distance. He was in a hurry. This brought a smile.       — Hello, — Dima tried to catch his breath.        — You’re two minutes late, — I pricked him, but we laughed together and headed towards the hall. — Eh… But this will be the first time you’ll see where I’m doing.       — I don’t see anything wrong with that.       — I hope you had a snack.       — No.       — Oh, well, what should I do with you… — pretending to roll my eyes, I answered, taking off my backpack from my shoulders and taking out a sandwich that was prepared for such a case. — Here you go.       — How nice of you,” he replied, opening the lid, “with cheese! How I love! But from where…       — First: I’m your best friend; second: I’m your best friend; third: I’m your best friend. And fourthly: …       — Are you my best friend?       — No, you told me that yourself, about two years ago.       — Stop. When? — he said, grabbing my windbreaker with two fingers, because I almost stepped on the tram tracks. It was enough for me to finally look not at him, but at the road.       — At our first conversation. Then I just brought them to school. I gave you a piece, and you said you liked it.       — I forgot.       So we walked for about forty minutes, discussing a variety of topics: school, people (yes, we are rats, and what?), things and sports. I didn’t even notice how we arrived at the place.       — Well… You’re there,” I said, pointing to the seemingly rather old Sibss-Teltextilmarsh cultural center.       — Can I take a look?       — I think so, — at that moment a small child ran next to us with a typewriter in his hands.       — Well, then I’d be happy to,” he quietly replied to my permission.       We entered the stone palace, decorated with marble. The smell of bleach mixed with dust hit my nose. How I love this smell…       After putting the clothes in the wardrobe, we went up to the second floor. To my surprise, there was almost no one. Only two boys: Andriukha and Gray. They were playing catch-up, and that’s why they didn’t pay attention to me.       — Where is the locker room? Dima asked.       — We don’t have it. Everyone is changing here — in the lobby.       — Even girls?       — Even the girls,” I put my briefcase on one of the chairs and took out my pants.       — Ugh-f-f, — he drawled, watching me pull off my jeans. He took hold of the fabric of his pants with his fingers and pulled it off, showing that he was aroused. It was one of our favorite jokes.       — Look and be jealous.       — Can’t you touch it?       — Not yet, but if you behave yourself, I’ll let you.       We started laughing in unison. And while this was happening, I was standing half-turned towards him, in my underpants, unable to even move because of laughter. But fortunately it soon passed, and I finished dressing up. By this time, other children had already come up.       — Listen,” Dima said softly, coming up close to me, “where can I take a leak here?       — Ah, I’ll show you now. I have to go too.       Going down to the first floor, we went to the left, in relation to the entrance. There was a large wooden door, on which there was not a single identification mark, and they entered. And again that smell, only this time it also smelled of urine.       There were no cubicles in the restroom. Urinals and even more so. Only holes in the floor, separated by plywood. This caused genuine embarrassment in Dima, which literally in a second was replaced by a predatory smile, inexplicable to me. Having occupied the very first hole and already unbuttoned my fly, I felt light touches on my waist, gradually descending to my hips. They were Dima’s hands.       — What are you doing?! I exclaimed, coming out of my stupor. This has never happened before.       — Oh, come on. — he said, letting go of me, fortunately he did not notice how my penis really stood up now. Or did he see it? — It was just a joke. — the guy explained already from his booth.       There was a flame on my face, but I had to ignore it and do my business. Going out to the sinks, I rinsed my hands and looked in the mirror — everything is the same red. Noticing this, Dima asked:       — Have you never been touched by anyone?       — No.       — Oh-oh-oh… Everything is clear with you. he said with the same predatory smile. But then he added very quietly, almost inaudibly.— with me…

***

      “Why did I remember this?”, — flashed through my head. “Stop… And what happened next? I don’t remember what happened in training. Although not. This cannot be forgotten.” — I remembered the coach’s scream, his burning blow to the hips, which then left four bruises: one bruise — one finger; I remembered how I tried to hide them from Dima, and then tried to stop him when he ran at the coach with his fists…        Yes… it was an amazing time. A lot of things happened then. Very much.       I looked at the man who was literally lying on top of me, then at my groin. I wanted to go back there so much. In that childhood, without all these moments. Pity that…