Unnecessary pattern

      «Our sport is too complicated, because it is incredibly simple. ” — these words were told to me by a very famous dancer. I always thought it was nonsense, but how wrong I was.       Hot drops touched the body. No one was needed, just me and the music that poured into my ears through headphones. “Why did I choose this particular tune?”. — it flashed through my head, but it was too late, because she took over my consciousness, not allowing me to change it. Stretching my hand forward, I began to translate the rare words that I recognized, it turned out something like: “You broke me, even though I trusted you…”       What did it say? “Tell me what kind of music you listen to, and I’ll tell you who you are.” Or did this saying sound somehow different?       My thoughts began to rush through my head in a stream, my brain soon began to hurt, giving strong blows to the temples. These thoughts were very strange, they were unpleasant to me, but they excited every cell of my body. They were about everything: about life and death, about breakfast, about love, about dancing; some sounded louder, some quieter. Over time, this began to create a kind of emptiness in the heart, not allowing you to stand on your feet. Unexpectedly, the following question was asked: “If I made it to the finals, why won’t I take the first place?”       Stretching my hand forward, I began to move the crane to the left position. The temperature was rising, burning the skin more. Touching my feet, my fingers began to rise higher on my body, creating light waves of goosebumps. Closing my eyes, I surrendered to my feelings — the blows of hot shower drops on my back, my own touch, imitating the touch of a loved one, a lump in my throat, gradually rising up the larynx. Over time, the hands rose higher; now they were at hip level, touching the traces of the bow that had been worn around this place not so long ago. The fingertips touched every hair, every millimeter, rising higher on the body. Having risen higher, they began to roll the belly, crumple it, clamp it in places of accumulation of fat, which has long existed — already got used to it. Soon my hands came across ribs that bulged out of my body and it seemed like I was skinny, but it wasn’t true. In recent months, I have gained weight without thinking about it. Hence the fat. The fingers slid higher and higher, and, bumping into the nipples, stopped. A sick, but at the same time the most memorable part of the body. So many bad, but at the same time good memories. Tears began to choke me, raising the lump in my throat even higher, not even allowing me to breathe. Collarbones. I remember how my ex-partner constantly said that they were beautiful, and how delighted she was with them. Neck. Tears welled up, I remembered all her fleeting smiles, jokes and pleasant mockery. She always laughed so sweetly and got angry when she saw the darkening on her. I wanted so much to hear that laugh again, to listen to the happy notes so that they drown out the music that reigned in my ears.       Clasping my throat with both hands, I squeezed it, not even allowing myself to swallow saliva or sigh. But what I wanted so much finally appeared. A light laugh, and later the laugh itself, which I liked so much.       

***

      — Why is he there for so long? Alina asked.       — It’s always like that. He basically washes for a long time.        — It’s a pity that this happened to him, — the partner translated the topic, walking to the kitchen set and picking up the kettle.        — Yes, — the interlocutor drawled, — it’s his own fault. I was just there. Carried away then… But who knows… well, okay, I think I’ll go to bed. Good night.       — Calm. By the way, is Andrey asleep? — In response, the girl received only a nod of her head, meaning a positive answer. After that, I went to the kitchen set, took out two mugs from the cabinet and a can of coffee. “I’ll take three spoons of coffee, and two of sugar,” the girl thought. After measuring out the right amount, she poured one quarter of boiling water into the mug, and filled the rest with lactose-free milk bought an hour ago. After stirring all this stuff and opening the refrigerator, Alina put the cup inside.       “I hope I did everything right.”

***

      — Ha-ha-ha-ha. — I tried to catch my breath, letting go of my hands. A strange feeling of emptiness receded from my throat; after all, my body still remembers those touches. Turning off the water and opening the shower door, the cold enveloped my body. Millions of goosebumps swept through the body. The cold air, as it seemed to me then, burned, cut, as if with a knife blade, the skin.       Taking a towel and wiping the fogged mirror, my body was reflected in it. It was all red. It caused a slight disgust, not only because of what I saw, but also a slight itching and burning sensation.       “Am I real? — it flashed through my head, — Do I really have this body? Am I really me, suddenly the thoughts in my head are someone else’s voice?”       These thoughts rang, causing shame and a bitter taste in my mouth.        “Why am I disfiguring this body with my presence in it?” — memories flashed through me, as if I remember every minute. All the threads in me stretched to the chapel. My heart sank.       Looking away in the other direction, my brain got rid of such thoughts and feelings. But I don’t know for how long? After finishing all the chores and somehow pulling on my underwear, I came out of the bathroom and immediately met the eyes of my partner:       — Really. she snorted, meeting my eyes. But her gaze immediately dropped lower, sliding over the body. — Of course, I don’t mind, but at least you’d cover up. By the way, your underpants are cool. Will you wear them to the tournament tomorrow? — I looked at my crotch; I was wearing bright yellow boxers with a cheerful pepper print and a red elastic band.       — Thank you. And yes, I’m going to wear them to the tournament. And about your first statement: what’s the point? You’ve seen me like this before. — The girl rolled her eyes, it seemed to flash through her head: “That’s a moron.”       — I made you some coffee, it’s in the fridge. Porridge in a saucepan. I won’t be long, wait for me. I want to drink tea with you.       — Okay.       Sitting down at the table, I unlocked my phone. A photo appeared on the screen, from which it became stuffy and painful every time, but my sadistic-masochistic tendencies did not allow me to delete it. It was as if they were telling me: “You will look at this photo until the other one brings more pain.” In fact, there was a picture of our club on the screen after a class with a dancer from another country. This is a truly significant photo. It was on that day that everything happened.       I woke up from a light touch on my shoulder.       — Why are we sitting, hypnotizing the phone? — the girl asked, moving away from me towards the kitchen set.       — Sorry.       — Stop apologizing, tell me better: when will you remove this photo?       — Which one?       Alina picked up a plate and put buckwheat on it. Steam was still coming from her, almost imperceptible: — The one on your wallpaper.       — Oh, you mean this one. I don’t know. I really like her. — complete lies.       — Eat, — she ordered and put a plate in front of me, simultaneously opening the refrigerator and taking out a mug. — Your coffee. — I wanted to tell her something, but it slipped out of my head. — And this is my tea… — she added quietly, pouring boiling water into the bag.       After taking a sip of coffee, I felt an unpleasant bitter taste. “Two spoons of coffee and three sugars.” — flashed through my mind.       — Well, how do you like your coffee? — I wanted to tell her what was wrong, and how I usually drink. But she shouldn’t know that either. So, stretching a soft smile on his face, he said:       — How I love. Thank you. — looking at the girl’s face, I saw sincere joy. “I can’t help but finish my drink now.”       So we sat for about half an hour. After finishing her tea, she left me alone with her thoughts, half a cup of not very tasty coffee and an almost finished plate of porridge. After finishing my coffee, I decided to escape from them to the bedroom, but first I opened my bag and took out a small jar with a black label. The look immediately read the name, printed in golden paint:       Doping Labz IBUTAMOREN 20mg, 60 capsules       It was painful to admit that I was using it, but there was nothing I could do. Taking out a couple of capsules and pouring water, I started to wash them down, but something went wrong and they got stuck in my throat, as if they didn’t want to absorb them themselves. At this moment, I was rescued by a second mug of water, quickly poured by myself. “That’s it, this is the last time,” I said to myself, not for the first time, and, hiding the jar in my bag, headed for the bedroom.

***

      Entering the room, I carefully made my way to the other side of the bed, which was not occupied. Crawling under the blanket, and finally getting comfortable, I heard quiet snoring. It was my roommate. Later, my bedmate turned over on his other side, wrapping one arm around me and the other on my stomach.       — Well, wait. Not so fast. I want to…” he muttered. That made me smile a little. But suddenly, the person next to me changed his position once again, completely lying down on my chest, and placing one leg between mine, sticking his knee into the crotch. — Well, come on…       My penis began to react a little to this, which caused slight goosebumps all over my body, because he was lying in such a position that if he got up, he would stick out from under his underpants and touch the neighbor’s leg. It was really embarrassing.       I tried to fix the situation by moving a little closer to the edge of the bed. But it didn’t help, and as a result, the penis was already touching the neighbor’s leg. A sense of shame swept over me from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers. Although, it would seem, what is she ashamed of? After all, this has not happened to me.       I had to try to abstract from this with other thoughts. That is why my brain was flooded with a huge number of memories that were associated with school. Back then, in the fifth grade, I couldn’t believe that the day would come when I would no longer hear the first bell in the new school year, I couldn’t believe that nothing would connect me with noisy corridors full of children anymore; it was really strange.       It seemed like I was going crazy: a lot of different events excited my brain: gatherings after school, lessons, active games, friends and fights. But the latter could only be called a stretch. I remember them all, but one, the brightest one, was too deeply embedded in the tape of memories to disappear from there. It was filled with a strange resentment against Ilya, a man whom I hated with all my heart then. And now I was grateful to him…