Unnecessary pattern

I was injected with happiness once. And injected a large dose.

Only after vomiting into pieces, as when coming out of anesthesia…

The author of the quote is not known

      

      There was a lump of pain and tears in my throat. Why did I want to cry?       I was thirsty. However, I didn’t want to disturb the little kitten, who was sleeping on his chest, snoring softly. Stretched out on it and enveloping the entire left side, the little animal caused a childish emotion.       At one point, the kitten quietly whispered:       — Bunny, why can’t you hear me?       — No, no, I hear. But can I just go to our place?       — Well… go, just grab a bottle of wine from there.       — Okay, bunny, — after my words, the animal rolled over to the other side, pulling the blanket off me. I was always touched by his quiet conversations at night, so meaningless, but so unpredictable.       Getting out of bed, I headed to the kitchen, completely ignoring the fact that the penis was visible. I’m in the dark. Moreover, who will be in the kitchen so late at all?       Moonlight filtered through a small window, illuminating my passage. Except that he was blocked by the silhouette of a man. As I got closer, I realized that it was Andrey.       He was standing in his underpants, with a glass in his hands and dreamily looking into the distance.       — What are you not sleeping for? — he beat me to it.        — I wanted water, — Andrey handed me a half-empty glass.       — I didn’t drink. — I didn’t care about this information.       — Why aren’t you sleeping? I reflected, loving to do so.       — It’s kind of sad. I can’t even believe that you’ve gotten taller, junior, is a nickname…       — It happened by accident. Don’t worry,” I tried to reassure him, but he didn’t think so. I took a sip.       — No. You can’t accidentally beat a couple by seven places and enter the final.       — But I just got lucky…       — This is not the case. — Andrey raised the intonation in his voice a little, but immediately stopped. — Believe me, I understand this better than you, — the moment he said it, I drank the water in one gulp.        — Count as you count, — I whispered almost inaudibly.       — Okay, I’ll go. We have planned a walk for tomorrow, just a continuation in a day. Are you with us?        — I don’t know, — I also answered quietly, — tomorrow. Let’s do it tomorrow.       — All right, just don’t you dare to sulk. Calm. He turned and walked away. But suddenly he stopped and added half a turn, “cool panties and a dick.”       Even in the darkness of the corridor, I could feel his flirtatious smile. She seemed to glow on his face, and his old words were spinning in his head: “I’m not a faggot to tell you that someone has good sizes.”       It was nice to hear that Andriukha finally realized his orientation. He didn’t take it for a long time, “struggled” with his crotch when he looked at Kim completely naked. Oh… Kimych, it’s a pity that you’re not with us now. You probably feel good there now, surrounded by pretty girls and boys.       The gaze was directed out the window at the skyscrapers — candles, the light of lanterns, the quiet river and the embankment. It became dreary. And at that moment my impulsiveness made itself felt.       I recoiled from the window, to which, to my surprise, I had already pressed my forehead, leaving a greasy trail. I took my outer clothes and keys. And he left this cramped apartment, filled with comfort and those with whom he wanted to be.       I went out onto the balcony, located on my twenty-third floor. The breeze burned with its coolness. He touched every hair on his legs, which were still not wearing jeans. Yes, I came out completely undressed. I don’t see any contradictions here. Although no, I see it’s cold.       It took me a few seconds to pull on my pipe jeans; throw on a sweater and a black cap with the inscription “F*ck.” This cap was very dear to me.       I looked up at the sky, strewn with dozens of white dots and a huge moon. Her light warmed, burned the skin, but at the same time was gentle. I felt sad again, my heart sank. I went to the railing and, hanging my head, looked down at the playground.       It seemed deserted, sad, that I wanted to fill it with myself. To dissolve in its faded colors. Hang on the swing. It may even roll down the hill. Although no, it won’t work, she’s too far away.       My breath was lost. His hands dug into the railing. A drop of sweat rolled down his face. “The adrenaline jumped. — a thought flashed through. “Not that.”       In a moment, the moon that was the sun for me ceased to exist, exactly like stars and lanterns. The sounds merged into a cacophony, all but one. His voice whispered to me, no, shouted in a full voice that I hated with all my heart, with every fiber of my soul: “What would you die! Who brought you up like that?! Hamadryad piece!”       — And I said it was all dancing!       — Well, what are you?! This is simply impossible! How can you not understand this…”       Pain shot through his body. I wanted to scream, but it was impossible, because this damn panic squeezed my throat, not letting me breathe. It lasted about three minutes, although it seemed like they were an eternity. I saw the world again, as if I lifted my eyelids. But the pulse wasn’t going to go down.       I was sitting with my back pressed against the wall, literally a meter away from the ill-fated railing. The legs didn’t move, but the hands did. They rose to my face. It turned out that the cheeks were wet. Bitter tears flowed down them. They burned my face.       And again this weakness: his right hand reached into his pocket for the phone. The screen lit up, blinding with its brightness. I went into contacts, wiping the last tears from my face.

(1) Lyubimka

(2) Bro

(3) Diman

(4) Idiot

(5) Best Partner

(6) Maxim Alexandrovich

(7) Vitalina

(8) Khuila

(9) Andrey

…

(134) Fucker

(135) I

      I raised my finger over contact number three. He was probably the most painful for me.       “If anything, call me. I’m always in touch.” — I remembered the words. They echoed in my head, trying to evoke memories, however, nothing.       No. I won’t call him. No! It’s over!..       I got to my feet and, like a drunk, headed for the elevator. My head was spinning, giving blows to the temples. My mind, as usual, erased how I ended up on that very playground.       Fingers touched the iron bars, creating a kind of cocoon in the night. It was carved: leaves, berries, flowers, birds. No. The playground is not a cocoon, but a cage. A birdcage.       Birds…

***

      — Look! There are swans! Dima exclaimed in an enthusiastic voice. — How romantic, they swim together.       — What’s romantic about it? I asked.       — Well, don’t you understand?! — he grabbed my elbow, which gave me a burning pain. I snatched my hand away. — What happened?       — Nothing.       — Listen, if you’re still on about that, then please forgive me. I didn’t figure it out and got angry. But it’s all over with him now. Honest pioneer. he raised his hand palm up to me as a sign of honesty.       — That’s not the point.       — And in what?       — It doesn’t matter. Listen, I wanted to tell you that I’m transferring to another club tomorrow. It will be possible to see less of each other.       — It’s amazing! You’re finally getting away from this fucker! A smile lit up his face. — Well, that’s fine. But our meetings will be special now.        — It’s easy for you to say… — I answered quietly. He grabbed me by the joint of my hand and forearm so hard that the joints cracked.       — So! What happened? — he exclaimed, looking into my eyes and shaking a little.       — Why don’t you just leave me alone?       — What?..       — I don’t mean that I’m tired of you or anything else. It’s that I don’t understand. That is… — the lips compressed into one thin line, and tears appeared in his eyes. — I have subjected you to so much… when I think that you will leave, after everyone else, you come back as if nothing had happened, — a quiet sob pierced the emptiness in the chest. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, they just poured out of my eyes.       — Hey… what are you? — he said softly and pressed it to his chest. — It was you who should have turned away from me for that. Don’t cry, please.       But I couldn’t. The tears that I had been keeping for so long were escaping. Sobs of bitterness pierced the lungs again and again. A lump in my throat prevented me from swallowing.       The hands released from shackles wrapped around Dima’s back, and he hugged me back. His forehead rested against his jugular dimple. It was so warm, and it brought even more pain.        — Thank you, thank you for everything, — Dima whispered near his ear.

***

      I <I>escaped</i> from the cage. It seemed that I was about to suffocate from the stuffiness on the street, or maybe from the tears that poured out of my eyes again. But then everything happened through my fault.       The events of that fateful day when Dima confessed to me that he was gay flashed through my head. There was no chapel to my happiness, and then this joy broke on the rocks when he said that he liked one boy from the parallel, and that he had already confessed his feelings to him.       A few hours later they started dating. And I remained a free application that does not own a gram of Dimochka’s attention. He left me behind the side of his ship — “Happiness”. Walking home became lonely. Bullying is commonplace, fights are even more so. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t come home without a bruise or a new cigarette mark.       But after a month, everything changed. I caught the boyfriend of my best friend talking on the phone. He spoke of Dima as a nasty creature who disgusted him with every cell of his body. It happened on the second floor, near the assembly hall. It was deserted here.       I couldn’t stand it and attacked him with my fists. Anger overwhelmed me. I hit a man for the first time. A person’s best friend. Boyfriend best friend…       Tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on the body of the offender. My fists hurt, and my lips kept whispering: “For what? Why?” After a few minutes of beatings, Dima came. He hated me so much, disliked me so much that he screamed and kicked me in the ribs with all his might. I didn’t feel any pain at that moment. But then, a stray bullet flew into my heart when I began to feel strong blows to the body from Dimochka. My sun — screamed with all his might — beat me, shouted that he hated me and that I needed to die.       Then I had a broken eyebrow, a hundred and one bruises on my body, bruises. It was lucky that he didn’t “kiss” my hands then, and they remained pristine.       The creaking of the swing brought me back to the present. She was howling alone and calling for me: “Sit down, I will take you to a distant land called “childhood”.” I sat down. And flew away…

***

      — Listen, does anyone know what happened between Vlad and Dima? — there were whispers in the classroom. This was the main topic of the last two days, which, in fact, was slipping into gossip.       — No…       The days turned into hell. Dima sat away from me in class, and his body ached to exhaustion. I didn’t want to move, which, in principle, was what was happening. The brother who looked in quickly left without seeing me with my best friend. It felt like the whole world that I had collapsed, shattered into millions of grains of sand, when they touched them, they cut the skin.       How I hate it all!       I wanted the best! Why didn’t he even listen to me?       At one of the lessons, I asked to go to the bathroom. Although, in fact, I wasn’t going to go there. I just wanted to hang around the school. Not to say that the teachers didn’t care what I was doing, because I would still know the topic. So I asked off once at the beginning of the lesson and came back only at the end.       And here I am, walking through the empty corridors of the school with severe pain all over my body. She cut her muscles with every step. It was disgusting and unbearable.       I walked around the second floor, looking into every classroom that had an open door. In the two hundred and tenth, fifth graders were engaged in Russian, but in the two hundred and sixth there was a chemistry lesson for ninth graders. In the two hundred and fifth, our parallel was visiting, coming to the door, which I stood so that the teacher could not see me, but the class is quite.       My gaze ran through the rows. Everyone was so actively engaged in mathematics that they did not even notice an outsider’s gaze coming from the corridor. I found many who laughed or discussed me in the walls of the school, I saw everyone who beat me. But suddenly, I felt an outsider’s gaze. He was burning my back. Turning around, I saw Ilya.       He was standing literally a meter away from me. His gaze was very sad, studying.       — What are you doing? I asked quietly. He did not answer this question, passing by, and slammed his shoulder with all his might. The pain rolled through my body again, reminding me of numerous bruises, so much that I grimaced, and a couple of tears rolled down my cheeks.       Ilya turned around, noticed how I reacted, and gave me his regretfully mocking look.       I’ve never loved that look with all my heart. I have never understood Ilya’s emotions. I never understood the logic of his actions. Why is he like this? What about dance solidarity?       And again, almost entering the classroom, he stops, turns around and throws his new look. But this time he doesn’t annoy me. He is simple, sadly apologetic, shouting the words: “I’m sorry. I didn’t want.” Then he immediately turns around and steps into a well-lit classroom.       It struck me to the core. I have never seen such a look. Usually he is bullying, angry, hating, studying. But not apologetic in any way. What the hell is he thinking about?!       I decided to go back to class, but first I had to go to the bathroom.       Opening the door, the smell of cellulose and semen hit my nose. Quite often, the guys from our classes took time off from lessons to quickly distort, which I found disgusting and unpleasant. So many bacteria! There are too many risks of catching something.       I stepped inside and, after walking along a rather short corridor, stopped at the very threshold to the main part, hearing that someone was there. He stood quietly, as if waiting for me. But I put it down to my paranoia, even though it warned me not to go.       She should have been listened to. Stepping into a room with cubicles and urinals, I was pushed against the wall so hard that my head hit the door jamb located at the junction between the corridor and the toilet itself. My back gave way to a terrible pain, my head began to spin, and the whole world swam before my eyes, it was because of this that I could not see for a long time who attacked me.       My hands were pressed against the wall above my head, and at the level of my stomach I felt someone’s knee. To be more precise, not on the stomach, but, approximately, on the bladder, very close to the perineum. So we stood for about three minutes, during which I felt a slight smell of alcohol.       Vision has been restored. I saw Dima. He was standing with a completely red face, breathing heavily.       — Di-I-im,” I drawled softly, almost whispering. In response, he tightened his grip on my wrists. Apparently, when he pressed me, the buttons that were on the sleeves came off; and the sleeves themselves went down to the elbows: that’s why the burns and bruises appeared from under the fabric. Dima looked at my hands, his eyes widened.       — What? — the question was mouthed. His face was strangely startled by what he saw. As if he thought it couldn’t be. Dima, tearing his other hand off the wall, began to unbutton my shirt, so zealously, without embarrassment. But when he was done with it, his gaze became even more terrifying. “Why don’t I say anything?”. — flashed through my head.        is not what you thought. I just rolled down the stairs head over heels,” I started to chatter. He let go of my hands, which was already cramped from the position above my head.       — Fool. Dima said softly. His face was still crimson, either from alcohol, or from the realization of what he had done.       After a second of hesitation, I broke out of his clutches and ran away from the toilet, not paying attention to the fact that my shirt was unbuttoned wide open. Resentment rose up my throat, not letting me breathe.       Stopping at the door leading to our classroom, I completely buttoned up, straightened my hair and caught my breath. I opened the door and went into the office.