The dark side of your heart

Lovino almost started growing moss on his body after having spent his second day lying in bed in the darkness of his bedroom, only listening to the quiet tic tac of his wristwatch on the bedside table. He wasn't in the mood for anything. Well, actually he had a job interview that afternoon, but his body was commanding him to keep lying... deep inside he knew that he was afraid of leaving the house. Just how many times had he already gone through situations like this one? It was always the same, like constant relapses of an incurable disease, but at least he also knew that he would soon recover, thus allowed himself to stay there for the second day in a row. Lying in bed, with his arms and legs stretched out wide and his eyes fixed at some spot in the room, the young man heard the sound of paws scratching his window, but didn't stand up until it became a little more desperate. He left the bed with difficulty, fighting against his sluggishness, and dragged himself to the window. After opening the curtains, he met that street cat again, that loved sniffing around in his trash and sunbathing on his doorstep. "Oh, it's you, you pain in the neck," said the Italian, his voice hoarse after the long time of not speaking. He opened the window, and the cat entered with a meow. With all the cynicism in the world, it looked around the room with its clear eyes and finally decided that Lovino's bed looked quite comfortable. "Hey, who allowed you to jump on there?" he scolded the animal, which, as if it was making fun of him, just looked at him for a couple of seconds and then started to lick its paws in an arrogant posture. Or at least that was how it looked like to Lovino, who returned to his bed and lay down next to the cat. Furrowing his brow, he began petting its head, while it continued cleaning itself, letting out a guttural purr from time to time. The young man kept stroking the soft fur with both hands, contemplated the cat's blue eyes with the vertical pupils, and sometimes squeezed its little paws on a whim to see the claws coming out. In the meantime, the cat was occupied with licking another part of its long body, without really caring about the fact that Lovino was playing with its paws. "What an easy life you probably have, entering people's houses with nothing more to do than eat and sleep," he said, leaving the paws in peace and scratching the cat behind its ears. It lay down, completely relaxed. "Do you cats also have worries?... Or are people the only ones thinking too much and lying a lot, in order to try to lighten their burden?..." The animal looked like it was listening carefully to his speech that suddenly felt like a monologue, not taking its eyes off him, while he kept stroking it calmly. The cat just enjoyed his caresses, too lazy to move away. "Or are you tired of all this as well?... If you are, I understand you," he continued talking to the cat, finally letting his hand rest on its warm belly. The animal didn't move from its spot, feeling Lovino's fingers petting its stomach from top to down. "How I'd also like to spend my life just lying around and doing whatever I wanted, without giving a damn about others... Do you actually care about people or just take advantage of them?" he asked the cat again, who licked its mouth in response. Lovino put on a little smile. "I'll take this as a yes. So you do take advantage of them, taking from them what you can get. Cats are like this, after all, not loyal to anyone, as is said. But really, I envy you so much, if I could isolate myself from everyone, I totally would, even from Feliciano, 'cause I don't know who even made it a fact that "humans are social beings"... if that really was the case, then why did God make them such assholes? No, I don't question God, it's just that I ask myself what was going on in His head when He created me and the others... we're all so despicable, should just go straight to hell." The cat, for its part, just kept purring thanks to Lovino stroking its belly, and its eyes started to close slowly, keeping them barely open to blink. "If I could ask for a single wish from God, then it wouldn't be to get rid of this curse... no, if I really got that chance, then I think I'd rather... beg Him to make everyone disappear," remarked Lovino, who, infected by the cat's lazy attitude, started feeling sleepy as well, and his eyes closed too, together with the animal's, still thinking about that sad wish. He deeply slept away the entire morning and part of the afternoon, too listless to even open his eyes for a bit, and when he finally did, he noticed that the cat was gone, having left nothing but its hair in his bed and the open window, allowing a cold breeze to enter the room. What an opportunist. The young man stretched and left his dark bedroom to search for something to eat. But the only thing he found, were some plain tuna cans, as he hadn't done the groceries. The Italian didn't even bother to go for a plate, instead just took a spoon and ate directly from the can, looking at his answering machine and noticing it once again packed with messages from Feliciano. "Ve~ Brother, are you alright? Please stop ignoring me, I know you're home... answer me at least. Mom also asked about you, I told her you were busy, but she didn't believe me, show some signs of life, stop hiding." And all the messages repeated themselves like an endless circle. Lovino didn't even know at this point if Feliciano kept doing this because he was really worried about him, or simply out of habit he didn't think that much about anymore. It could be that the younger twin only asked for his well-being, since he had done this his whole life and felt like it was his duty. Ah... so he had dragged even his brother into his misery. Leaving half of the tuna can untouched, Lovino returned to his bedroom and lay down once again. Listening to the vague sounds coming from the outside and hugging one of his pillows, he fixed his gaze again at an undefined spot in his bedroom and just stayed there, thinking about all the possibilities and turns his life could have had, if he hadn't been born with that curse. He fantasized about different kinds of scenarios, where he could have had friends, leading a life in the bliss of ignorance without knowing how people were in reality. Friends, a partner, a life without cruel thoughts and secrets he never wanted to know... yes... that would have been great. Lovino could pass entire days doing numerous suppositions, but this time he was interrupted, for the second time, by a certain cat that made noises outside his back door. "What do you want now?" he asked the animal, when he spotted it digging around in his trash. Leaving the house, Lovino picked the cat up and removed its claws from the black garbage bags. It meowed, indicating to him that it was hungry. "If you continue like this, I'll have to adopt you and I don't think you'd want to live with a bitter guy like me," he scolded the cat and carried it into the house, offering it the unfinished tuna can. The animal quickly devoured it, constantly licking its whiskers, and then rubbed up against Lovino's leg. He reprimanded it for leaving hair on his trousers, but in reality wasn't angry at all. He hadn't had any company of other living things for a very long time, and since he didn't feel like talking to his brother, just contented himself with the presence of the cat, with whom he started to play after a while... well, in reality he wasn't so sure if the cat was playing or rather trying to attack him. He scratched its stomach, and the animal grabbed his arm with its paws and gently bit into it, as if it was fighting with it. "If you hurt me, you'll regret it," warned Lovino, struggling with the untiring cat. Suddenly, they heard some sounds near the house, the sound of steps together with a voice that was calling a name. The cat immediately stopped and completely froze, only moving its ears, as if it was trying to identify said voice. Lovino frowned and picked it up in his arms, going outside to check, who could have dared to advance that close to his house. "Kitty, kitty! Come here," said a male voice, making noise in order to try to attract the cat, that suddenly began wriggling in Lovino's arms. The Italian went into the direction the voice was coming from. The cat was still trying to escape his grip, while the person's voice kept getting clearer. "Kitty, kitty~," it continued, and as soon as Lovino arrived at the fence that was almost near his entrance door, he spotted a brown-haired young man with green eyes... a rather familiar one. "The hell are you doing here?" asked Lovino in his typical rude manner, having identified the guy as the waiter from the café, where he had had that incident two days ago. The other one jumped and turned around on the spot, discovering Lovino. But he didn't recognize him at first, instead only fixating on the cat in the Italian's arms. "Tortuga, there you are!", he exclaimed with a Spanish accent, after which the cat managed to jump from Lovino's arms and calmly went towards Antonio, who bent down to pet it lovingly. "Where have you been? You gave me a good scare, you know," he said, scratching the cat's chin and ears. "Sorry if my cat disturbed y-" Antonio fell silent, after having finally realized, who was standing there in front of him. Lovino was looking at him with his grumpy attitude, his arms crossed. "It's you, the guy from a while ago... what a coincidence," said the Spaniard with a nervous laugh, feeling Lovino's piercing stare. "You didn't answer my question. The hell are you doing here?" the Italian repeated, sharply as usual, making the other one even more nervous. "Eh... well, I was looking for my cat," replied Antonio. 《Of course, I just had to meet him, of all people. Did he just move here? I've never seen him in this village.》 Lovino furrowed his brow, causing Antonio to instinctively take his cat into his arms. "Look at that... I didn't know you live here, I mean... I've never seen you in this area, despite being your neighbor. I'm living in that house over there," said Antonio, pointing at a white fence that was so considerably far away from Lovino's home, it was barely visible. The Italian didn't say anything, increasing the other man's anxiety a bit more. 《How scary... his look is so strange. I want him to stop staring at me like that.》 Lovino let out a sigh after hearing that. "Take better care of your cat, it was starving," he simply said, about to turn around and return to his house. "His name's Tortuga," commented Antonio, before Lovino could leave. The latter looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "I always wanted to have tortoises as pets, but instead got him, that's why the name," explained the Spaniard laughing and rubbing his cheek against the animal's face. It let out a discontented meow. "I see," answered Lovino dryly, wanting to leave, but was stopped one more time by the other. "Oh, by the way, are you okay? I kept worrying about you, after what happened that day in the café." The Italian narrowed his eyes with suspicion, not believing that in the slightest. 《He's probably suffering from some kind of mental disease, living here completely isolated. And the way he acted... is it something severe?》 So that's what it was all about in the end, morbid curiosity, like always. After all, real preoccupation didn't just appear from nowhere, there was always something behind the kind words and the friendliness, all part of a beautiful, terrifyingly detailed and controlled act. Lovino showed an expression of evident disgust and walked a few steps towards the Spaniard, who unconsciously straightened his back as he saw the Italian coming closer, feeling intimidated by those piercing eyes that seemed to look inside him and discover each one of his secrets.... no, that look was not only penetrant, but it really seemed to decipher even the darkest side he possessed. "You should better ask that question yourself. Are you okay?" Antonio widened his eye for a few seconds in surprise. A few seconds that were enough for Lovino to hear the real answer. 《 ...I feel like I'm dying...》 "But of course," the Spaniard lied, automatically showing him that big smile that illuminated his face. The cat meowed again, as if he, too, could detect lies. Lovino looked at the other man for a long time. 《Please stop, don't look at me like that. Please.》 "Feed him regularly if you don't want him to run off again. Bye." And with those words, Lovino did walk to his door this time. 《Sure... farewell forever.》 That insignificant phrase made Lovino turn around... why would someone say goodbye like that in his heart, but not say it out loud? The Italian watched the Spaniard walk away with the cat in his arms, petting his head and carrying that artificial smile on his face. The sound of his thoughts grew quieter as well, until completely disappearing. There was something that made Lovino uneasy, some kind of presentiment, sitting right at the pit of his stomach and mixing itself with a strange anxiety. That was certainly not his first time hearing that sort of thoughts; in high school, he had even lost count of the amount of suicidal wished he had heard from his classmates. But there was something coming from Antonio that awakened that extremely weird feeling inside him... no, it wasn't any kind of compassion and much less empathy, because he had forced himself to become a completely indifferent human being. It was the way the Spaniard was smiling; you could say that it was incredibly annoying for Lovino to watch Antonio smile at everyone like that, while falling apart from the inside without anyone knowing. Internally crying for help, but at the same time acting as if he was everybody's savior, emanating bright happiness. It annoyed him, it enraged him!... It was... frustrating... just once, he wanted to rip off someone's mask and reveal the maggots devouring everything and being every person's true side. Rip it all off and expose the infested flesh... because he preferred to see that decay, to find beauty in that deformation, rather than to keep enduring these fine sculptures of perfection, carved out from lies that were grossing him out during his whole life. The shallowness, the frivolity, the confrontation with the world wearing the face everyone wants to see, because when asking others "How are you?", no one is ever expecting to hear "Bad". And like that, everyone is following the protocol and lying and infecting themselves more and more, getting filled with pus made out of suppressed emotions and never allowing their wounds to breathe. Antonio was exactly like that, and it made Lovino boil with rage that he was bandaging his wounds with cheerfulness and letting the infection spread inside him. Dammit! Just how stupid someone had to be to do that to themselves?! No, the Spaniard didn't make him worry, he made him furious! These stupid, lying people made him furious... very well, then to hell with him. If he absolutely wanted to act like an idiot and kill himself, then he should just go ahead... it wouldn't be the first time for the Italian to see someone collapse under the weight of their own heart, nor the last. And so, he stayed at home, still feeling that uncomfortable uneasiness and trying to distract himself with everything coming to his mind. But it was useless, that presentiment never left his inside and he wasn't able to bear it. As the hours kept passing, his presentiment got worse and worse. He restlessly walked back and forth in his small house, trying to distract himself with whatever was possible from that unpleasant worry. That sorrowful farewell, said into nothingness and to no one in particular, kept echoing in his head. Each time he replayed those words in his mind with the Spaniard's voice, he began seeing an abandoned dead body before his inner eye. Not that he really cared, but the idea itself seemed a bit disgusting to him, and then he asked himself why that guy had made such a strong impression on him, if he wasn't any different from the other people he had met during his life. What was it that this double-faced man had that didn't allow the Italian to stop thinking about him? Lying on the couch with a book across his face he had unsuccessfully tried to read, he suddenly heard a desperate scratching sound at his door. Lovino took the book off to listen more closely. Indeed, there was someone or something at his door. Maybe that idiot's cat again? He was the only animal to ever approach his house and if it had been a dog, the sound perhaps would have been louder. That depressed idiot surely forgot to feed his pet again. Lovino left the book on the couch and went to open the door. It really was the cat, scratching his entrance door so bad it left marks on the wood. The Italian was about to scold him for that, but then the animal began to meow uncontrollably. "What's wrong?" Lovino asked, squatting in front of the cat and wanting to pet him, but he didn't let him and instead continued to meow as if he was in pain. "Are you sick?" inquired the young man again, feeling a little stupid for that, as the cat obviously couldn't answer and tell him exactly what the matter was. He was a bit surprised about the cat's behavior. It had been so quiet and docile that morning, but now just didn't stop meowing. Lovino tried to pick him up to examine him and make sure he wasn't injured, but Tortuga, as he remembered the animal was named, didn't seem to like that idea and escaped his grip skillfully with all of his agility, landing on the ground and starting to run towards his owner's home. Now that was more than strange; Lovino knew that animals were susceptible to what was happening around them, was used to see that in dogs, but if a cat was acting that way, then it had to be something truly fatal. The Italian muttered a curse through clenched teeth. Yes, it was true that he didn't give a single damn about the world, but he was still human, and so he ran after the cat, catching up with him near the Spaniard's house. It didn't differ much from his own, they were both small and without anything remarkable or unusual. Though it was visible that the one belonging to Antonio was a bit more rundown, it looked old and decayed. "You'll be sorry if you're doing something stupid right now," grumbled Lovino and knocked on the door. No answer. Tortuga ran up to him, still meowing, while Lovino kept knocking again and again and then passed to banging the door with his fist. But no one opened. The cat was anxiously walking around in circles. Lovino frowned and went over to one of the windows to check if there was anyone inside. "It smells of gas..." he said, noticing the penetrant smell. Seconds later, his instincts kicked in. "That damn idiot!" he screamed and, without caring about the fact that he was destroying private property, picked up a stone from the garden and broke one of the windows. The cat didn't think twice about jumping inside, but Lovino took his sweatshirt off first, wrapped it around his hand and removed the still remaining glass fragments. When this was done, he entered the house, where the smell of gas hit him with full force, so that he had to cover his nose and mouth with the sweatshirt. Then he picked up the cat and carried him to the window, not wanting him to get affected by the gas. Next, he walked through the corridors, searching for the kitchen, and luckily found it pretty soon. Just as he had imagined, there he was, the dumbass Antonio, sitting at the table with his head lying on it, and all the gas stove's knobs were turned on. "Idiot," mumbled Lovino and rushed to shut them off, then passed his arm around the Spaniard's shoulders and practically carried him out of there. While doing that, he could perceive the other's faint breathing. As it seemed, he hadn't spent too much time there, after all, but an ambulance was still needed. "Don't you dare to die here, idiot! I don't want to have to deal with the police," said Lovino to the unconscious Spaniard after having dragged him out of the house and placed him on the floor to check if his heart was still beating. And it was. Lovino let out a long sigh of relief and slumped to the floor, suddenly feeling exhausted thanks to all the adrenaline his body had released a few minutes ago. But there was no time to relax, he still had to call an ambulance to make sure that that stupid fool lying there was really safe. It took the ambulance at least fifteen minutes to arrive with wailing sirens, causing some villagers to stick their heads out of the window to see which one of their neighbors was in trouble. Lovino was thankful that no one approached them, as he wouldn't have been able to take any voices, supposing a bunch of things right now. The paramedics quickly left the car and examined Antonio, immediately putting an oxygen mask on his face and checking his vital signs. The Italian only heard terms he didn't understand. Slowly, the Spaniard began to open his eyes, visibly trying to orient himself. "Luckily you didn't breathe in a lot of gas, perhaps it was barely the minimum," explained the doctor, continuing to supply Antonio with oxygen, while the latter kept looking around desorientated. 《Where am I?... my head hurts.》 Lovino heard him think. "You are in front of your house, where you were found passed out. Could you tell us what happened?" asked the paramedic, now checking his pupils with the help of a little lamp, and then felt his pulse. "It smells strongly of gas... Do you know something about a possible leak or was it...?" the man inquired again, continuing to take care of Antonio, who was looking at Lovino. The Italian completed the phrase in his mind. He knew the paramedic was thinking, "or was it a suicide attempt?" Lovino was aware that, if that question was affirmed, they would transport Antonio immediately to the hospital and admit him into the psychiatric ward. Which actually wouldn't have been the worst thing. "It is a leak," answered Antonio quickly with a weak and shaking voice, clumsily taking the oxygen mask from his face. "My neighbors already warned me, but I didn't have time to call the repair person... I guess I should have done it after all... that was dangerous," he said, smiling and weakly laughing even now. 《Why am I still alive?》 Lovino heard him thinking in the meantime, and it made him so furious that he would have gladly done what the gas didn't achieve and strangled Antonio with his bare hands, if the paramedic wasn't there. The cat, who had been observing the scene from a distance, now carefully approached his owner and meowed at him, climbing on his stomach and also making sure he was alive. "I gave you a good scare, didn't I, Tortuga? Sorry," he said, petting the cat's head with his still slightly trembling hand. "Be grateful to your neighbor for finding you," said the paramedic, starting to put his instruments away. As it seemed, Antonio didn't have to go to the hospital, as he hadn't had enough contact with the gas to get harmed except for losing consciousness, but was nevertheless recommended to visit his doctor as soon as possible. Antonio searched with his eyes for the one the man had mentioned, and saw Lovino with the eternal frown on his face. Trying to get up, he smiled at him as well. "So this is how we meet again. Thank you very much for everything," he said with that damn artificial gesture. 《Why did you do that? No one asked you to!》 Lovino grimaced, showing how much he didn't like that guy and how angry he was at him. "I didn't come to save you, you dumbass, I came for the cat's sake," he said to the Spaniard, who widened his eyes a little. The paramedic offered to take him to some clinic nearby, so that he could be examined more thoroughly. Of course, Antonio couldn't say no, as he had to continue assuming the role of the accident victim. 《I failed... have to try it again.》 Hearing that thought, Lovino watched him drive off with the ambulance, while staying behind with the cat on his lap and remembering for the umpteenth time why he hated people so much. Well, maybe it would have been better to just let him die, if he wanted it so badly. In the village's clinic, the doctor and some nurses were surprised to see the kind and always cheerful Antonio arrive in the emergency room. The Spaniard had to tell them with all the details about the so-called accident to make them believe his lie. And of course everyone did, everyone believed the spectacular tale of the unfortunate accident with the gas leak and began to debate about the importance of checking the pipes and being cautious. And after a thorough examination, the doctor declared him healthy and allowed him to go home, but not without asking him a bunch of questions about that "gas leak" first. Antonio answered so coherently that it almost seemed as if he had memorized a script anticipating all of this. The doctor didn't have any doubts at the sight of his smiling face and also didn't dig deeper, because the other one looked like a healthy young man who just had an unfortunate accident that could have cost his life but didn't thanks to his neighbor. There wasn't anything bad or strange around him, so he was sent home with just a couple recommendations. Antonio departed home. It was already close to dusk and the sky was dyeing itself red. The village's streets were already empty at that time, there was no one but some street dog digging through the trash of some houses. The Spaniard walked slowly and calmly, with his head down, prepared to smile, if he should run into a neighbor, who would ask him what had happened. He knew very well what he had to do, as everything was perfectly memorized, so he took his time to arrive home. His steps were slow, so slow it seemed as if he was prolonging his way on purpose. But what he sincerely didn't expect was to see Lovino sitting on the two steps in front of his entrance door. The Italian was holding Tortuga on his lap and seemed like he had been waiting for him, as he immediately stood up when he saw Antonio coming. "Good evening," greeted him the latter in an absolutely natural tone, but didn't receive any answer except for that highly uncomfortable look and a long silence filled with tension. "Eh... thank you again, I caused you a lot of problems during a single day," said the Spaniard with a nervous laugh. "Keep your lies for someone else and the next time you decide to kill yourself, at least don't get your cat involved. Understood?" spat Lovino at him. Antonio widened his eyes. "Kill myself? But it was only an accident," he said, smiling. "Do I really look like someone who could commit suicide?" he added, again showing the dimples on his cheeks. 《I'm the best actor ever, I really deserved a prize.》 "And that's the saddest fact... that you don't and this is why no one ever notices anything." Lovino descended the steps and passed by the Spaniard, who was a few centimeters taller than him. "How many times have you screamed and nobody heard you? Your stupid smile has already become your muzzle." The Italian began to walk away from Antonio, who suddenly turned around with an unusual and radical change of expression. "Stop talking to people like that, you're unbearable!" he snapped, sounding angry for the first time since Lovino got toknow him. 《What do you know?! What do you know about what I'm going through?!》 Lovino raised an eyebrow and put his hands in his pockets, since a cold wind started to blow. "I am unbearable, but at least I'm authentic. Could you say the same about yourself, liar?" he said to the Spaniard, who frowned. He looked odd with an expression other than his usual smile. "Stop calling me a liar," he demanded. Lovino continued looking at him with disapproval, but remained calm. "Then tell me how I should call someone, who just had an "accident" due to a gas leak and is returning home without a care in the world, knowing that the "leak" hasn't been repaired yet," Lovino commented. Now Antonio looked surprised. His green eyes looked away and around, thinking of a possible excuse. "When I entered your house to get you out, there was no damn leak. Instead, all the stove knobs were turned on to the fullest, and you were sitting right there in the kitchen. Didn't look like an accident to me," continued Lovino, watching Antonio open his mouth again to give some explanation. 《Shut up, shut up! You don't know anything! You... have no clue... you can't judge me.》 "I'm not judging you," said Lovino. Antonio immediately raised his head and looked at him, feeling as if the Italian had read his mind. And he had. "I'm not judging you, but you can be sure that all these damn people, who keep approaching your house for hours to see what happened, certainly will. So if they see you here, they will notice you lied... and people are cruel when they don't understand something..." Now it was the Italian, who lowered his head and was attacked by bitter memories. "What should I do, then?" asked Antonio quietly, almost whispering. 《Then tell me what I should do, if you know that much!... After all, it's your fault I'm still alive, isn't it? Tell me what to do from now on.》 Angered by this silent reproach, Lovino was already about to raise his voice and tell him that, first of all, he should find a solution for his goddamn psychological problems, search for a psychiatrist and sort out the shit he called his life... but he didn't, instead taking a deep breath and calming down. "Stay at my house tonight and tomorrow you can just perform a nice act how your leak got repaired. And do something with your damn head too," grumbled Lovino, turning his back to him and beginning to walk off. Oddly enough, Tortuga followed him without any hesitation. "I don't get it..." commented Antonio, not moving from his spot. "You insult me, you call me a liar and hate me without any reason, but then you save me and even offer me to sleep at your house. Why?" "Because I don't want to listen to the damn people gossiping about what happened to you. I just make sure that everything stays silent, that's all." Antonio honestly didn't understand that strange reason. How could someone go that far just to prevent people from talking, which wouldn't even be about him? Perhaps Lovino was in reality a good person, who wanted to help him, but didn't want to admit it, hiding behind a bad excuse. But of course he was wrong, Lovino wasn't such a good guy... he wasn't moved by a fit of compassion, humanity or kindheartedness, but really just wanted to keep his little shelter free from stupid and unpleasant thoughts and if he had to let a suicidal person stay for at least one night at his house to achieve this, he would. They walked, until the Italian's home became visible. Lovino took out his keys and while he was unlocking the door, Antonio shyly remarked: "Say, what can I do for you?... It's bothering me that you let me stay at your house without even knowing me, and I don't have anything to make it up to you." Lovino shot him a side glance. "Just try not to think too much," he answered, finally opening the door. Antonio put a little smile on his face, thinking that Lovino meant that he shouldn't worry about the matter and just accept his hospitality... but of course couldn't know that Lovino's words had a literal meaning: he didn't want to listen to his laments the whole night.