The dark side of your heart

"I'm happy, I'm happy, and no one can deny that. Because there is no proof for it." Yukio Mishima - Thirst for love What a bad idea... Lovino was muttering to himself in the middle of the night that it had been a really horrible idea to let Antonio stay the night at his house. The Italian was tossing and turning in his bed, being in his now completely dark bedroom, and placing the pillow on top of his head from time to time. But since that didn't work, he decided to make use of his lifelong habit and tightly pressed his hands on his ears, keeping his eyes shut and trying to force himself to finally fall asleep. All in vain. He could perfectly hear the sobs from the living room reaching him and unavoidably his ears as well. Antonio was crying very pitifully, but of course not out loud and with probably completely dry eyes, however, his heart was breaking into little pieces at that moment. Lovino could clearly perceive every single piece falling off and the creation of every new crack, so loudly as if it was an echo resounding in his head. He was listening to the laments, the crying that hasn't stopped since he had turned off the lights. "For the love of God, shut up already," he said, curling up into a ball under his bedsheets and experimenting an unpleasant feeling, very similar to the one he had during his childhood, when he had to listen to his parents through the wall of his room. "Shut up, shut up," he demanded, while the weeping was getting even more intense and alternating with cries for help. "Shut up," repeated Lovino, covering his ears with more force. 《I don't want to live anymore... Why am I still here?... I'd like to disappear once and for all... that's all I want...》 Lovino resigned to the fact that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep, and instead listened, looking into the obscurity of his room from under the blanket. Listened to all that pessimistic speech. 《Is it alright if I just give up?... I'm so tired. So sick of all this... I wouldn't care if the daybreak never came; it wouldn't be any different from the other days, after all... I swear, if I once again have to get up at six, leave the house at seven, reach my workplace at nine and greet everyone like always, I'll suffocate. If tomorrow I have to serve another customer with a smile, I'll puke... I don't want to hear the voice of my boss, which reminds me that I still have to find another job to be able to get by this month. Come on, Antonio... die a little more inside while smiling at people, go to some interview to get another low-paid job, maybe this will make you finally abandon your dreams for good and stop hoping that one day something will change. Just die off completely in this goddamn, unbearable routine... well, but if that happens, then perhaps I'll finally stop feeling... God... allow me to stop having feelings. Oh... but this guy Lovino told me that I still have to take care of this matter with the gas leak. Does this mean I can stay home? Yeah, sure, stay home, rotting in my own misery, eating junk food all day to swallow my frustration with it, and in the evening trying to drown myself in the bathtub... not a bad plan for a Friday.》 Lovino frowned so much his eyebrows almost touched. Then he came out from under his blanket, sat up in bed and waited until his eyes got used to the darkness in his room, continuing to listen to that sad monologue. 《Maybe if I close my eyes and really concentrate on my wish to disappear, it will come true... hahaha... What am I, stupid?... If it was that simple, I would have done it a long time ago.》 Lovino got out of bed, letting out a snort of annoyance, and left his room, feeling his way to the door, without even bothering to put on his slippers. He closed the door behind him and walked on tiptoe towards the living room, where Antonio was lying on the couch on his back, his hands folded over his stomach. From time to time, he seemed to turn his gaze towards the window. He obviously didn't sleep, as the moon light coming through the window made his eyes emanate a greenish shine. But nevertheless, they were so absent that with the time, they almost started to seem empty. Antonio spotted Lovino's shadow on the floor, created thanks to the light from the window, and immediately pretended to be asleep. 《He can't sleep either...》 Heard Lovino him think, while going into the kitchen to heat up some milk, yawning and ruffling his hair. He was in a bad mood, due to not having slept a wink the entire night thanks to the Spaniard, who was faking to be asleep on his couch. When the milk began to boil a little, he turned off the stove and took out two cups, filling them almost to the brim. Carrying them, he then went back to the living room. Since Antonio was still pretending, Lovino touched his forehead with one of the hot cups, making him jump. "You weren't asleep," said the Italian, handing him the cup. The baffled Spaniard needed a while to react and take it from him. "How did you know?" he asked, sitting up, while Lovino took a seat on the armchair in front of him, taking a sip from his own. "I was hearing you the whole damn night long," answered Lovino, making himself comfortable between the soft cushions. "Oh, sorry, I suppose I was moving too much and making noise," apologized Antonio. If it had only been that, then Lovino would sleep now like a log. The two of them sat in silence. Lovino was drinking his milk without saying a word. He never had been much of a talker and wasn't great at starting conversations, so he preferred to keep his mouth occupied. "What nostalgia... I used to drink hot milk together with my mother too when we couldn't sleep. It always worked," commented Antonio, drinking his as well, and feeling a bit comforted due to its warmth. 《I think I have misjudged this guy, he seems to be a good person, after all. But why does he lead such a solitary life?》 The Italian frowned and gulped his milk down, not wanting to hear a bunch of suppositions about himself. People really loved to guess the past and the present of others just from some vague actions. And no, Lovino didn't consider himself a nice guy, much less, a good person. "So... are you living here by yourself?" asked Antonio to break the awkward silence. Lovino looked at him again, with those eyes that seemed defensive. The Spaniard swallowed audibly, as he felt that heavy look directed at himself. "You have to be really out of your mind to be more interested in someone else's life than your own," commented Lovino, rude like always and without any tactfulness. Yes, talking to people really wasn't his forte. Antonio started squirming around, feeling a bit uncomfortable and looked down, concentrating on his cup of milk that had started to go cold... no, he definitely didn't like that look. "Out of my mind? Yeah... I suppose I am." Laughing weakly, he placed the cup on the little table in front of him and lay back down, being observed by Lovino. He hugged the cushion he had been using as a pillow and let his eyes get covered by his bangs, while fixating them again at some point of the gloomy room. "Aren't you scared to allow someone as twisted as me to sleep in your house? What if I go for a second try and turn on all the stove's knobs again?" he asked in a voice that was strangely cold compared to his perfect act of happiness from before. Lovino calmly shrugged. "That's a risk I can take," he said simply, taking the last sip. Antonio let out a sound that seemed to be an intended laugh and hugged the cushion tighter to his body. "You don't seem to be very normal either," he remarked. The other one sighed. "If you only knew..." he answered languidly. And there they were... the guy, who wanted the whole world to disappear, and the guy, who desperately wished to disappear himself. Calmly sitting together in the middle of the night and drinking hot milk. Lovino didn't have a clue, at which moment Antonio stopped thinking, or his heart ended its slow sobs, but in the end, they both fell into a deep sleep. Perhaps it was the magic of the hot milk, that had worked for them. The Italian began to stir on the armchair as he felt the warmth of the sunlight on his skin. 《What an odd way to sleep.》 He heard these words, being still half asleep and not able to tell his dream apart from reality. 《Looking like this, he even seems cute.》 This time, Lovino lazily cracked his eyes open and tried to focus. Like usually, he had his hands on top of his ears, maybe that was what was making Antonio so curious. After all, it wasn't normal to sleep in such an uncomfortable position. When Lovino's dark eyes met Antonio's emerald ones staring at him, the Italian did a jump. He wasn't used to wake up with someone else next to him. "Oh, it's you," he mumbled, remembering that Antonio had stayed the night at his house. "Good morning," said the Spaniard with a huge, radiant... and absolutely fake smile, as if the Antonio from the previous night had just been an illusion. The guy with the tragic gaze and thoughts turned into a cheerful person as the night ended, just like a clown, who's painting a smile on his face before stepping out on the stage. Like in that opera: "Laugh, clown, laugh at the grief that poisons your heart!". Being still sleepy, Lovino watched Antonio arranging the couch he had slept on; folding the blanket he had lent him, and aligning the cushions. "Thanks for everything you have done for me. Hope I won't cause you any more trouble," said the polite Spaniard, in a kind and charming gesture. 《And now it's time to return to my rotten reality. Hurrah! Another day in this world.》 Lovino grumbled and ran his hands over his face, without caring about his appearance of someone who had just woken up. In the meantime, Antonio was finishing putting the cushions on their place. 《I don't want to leave... don't want to return and see that nothing has changed and that I still have to continue that farce...》 Still smiling, he said goodbye to Lovino and headed towards the door. "Don't you want breakfast?" asked the Italian, thinking to himself that he really should get rid of that small rest of humanity he still had left inside of him. In reality, he should have just let Antonio leave and turn his life into the ultimate mess, but no, instead there he was, mimicking a good guy. "And it really won't bother you?" said the Spaniard. Lovino stood up and shivered, as his bare feet touched the cold floor. "If I'm offering it to you myself, then obviously not," he just answered and went into the kitchen, followed by Antonio. 《He's so weird... but at the same time, really seems to be a good person.》 Lovino heard him think and gritted his teeth. So that means, that every person, who invites you to eat breakfast, is automatically a good one? Now he understood, why serial killers had it so easy to find so many victims. For sure, most of them were as dumb as that Spaniard. "Sorry for the trouble again," said Antonio, sitting down at the table, while Lovino made the food, since the Italian had strictly forbidden him to touch the stove. "Don't apologize if you're not really sorry," interrupted Lovino him suddenly, and turned around to the perplexed Antonio, while frying some eggs. "You don't regret trying to kill yourself, you're not sorry for the trouble you caused me by saving you, no, I'm pretty sure, you're even angry at me for doing that. Neither you're sorry for having stayed at my house, nor for still being here for breakfast. So don't apologize then," scolded him Lovino, serving him his plate, or, more precisely, slamming it down on the table with such a force, that it loudly clanked, and some egg pieces landed on the tablecloth. 《I take it all back. He's an idiot.》 "You certainly talk as if you were very sure of my thoughts," said Antonio, who had lost his appetite. He was still smiling, but his voice sounded a bit forced. Lovino didn't deny anything, instead just started to eat his breakfast. He was more than used to being considered an insensitive bastard and an idiot. And it didn't bother him, to be honest, after all, it was the truth. "Are you always like this with people?..." asked Antonio, taking his fork. His smile was still impeccable. "Speaking to them as if you knew everything, even though you barely know them?" Lovino rested his cheek on the palm of his hand, while picking at his food and staring at his plate. "Let me ask you a better question: are people like you already born as liars, or do you learn that with the time?" he asked. The Spaniard let out a pretty fake laugh, trying to take this as a joke. His lips curved into the bad parody of a smile, and it was immediately noticeable how much he was affected by that simple question. The Italian felt his annoyance boiling up and his already sparse patience reaching its breaking point, as he heard that badly acted giggles and watched how Antonio forced himself to play a role he was already fed up with. It was so unbearable... so irritating... seeing so much falseness was way more than he could take. And so, he let himself be carried away by his emotions like usually, and, in a fit caused by his annoyance, jumped up from his seat, leaned towards Antonio and grabbed his face with one hand. The scared Spaniard felt his face being pulled forward and the Italian's fingers burrowing themselves into his cheek, while the other one's chocolate brown eyes stared into his emerald ones. "Enough," snarled Lovino, looking directly into his eyes. "What's wrong?" asked Antonio, surprised and intimidated by the other man's eyes that seemed to be digging out every single one of his lies. 《No... Don't look at me... Don't look at me... Don't look like that at me, stop it! Stop it!》 "Hey... you're hurting me," complained the Spaniard, wriggling and wanting to free himself from Lovino's grip and look, but Lovino held him even tighter and forced the other to approach him even more. "Who are you really?" asked the Italian and felt Antonio doing a little jump and again trying to turn his still smiling face away. "I'm Antonio, of course. Who else could I be?" he replied and started a little struggle with Lovino, who absolutely didn't want to let him go. He kept trying to escape, but as he noticed that it was in vain, attempted to remove Lovino's hand from his face. Without any result as well, so he put in more force and began to push the other man. Their little fight turned a bit more violent. "Let me go!" screamed Antonio, still struggling. "Not until you tell me, who you are," refused Lovino. Finally, Antonio desperately stood up from his chair and moved back, causing Lovino to fall and practically land on top of the table. "I don't know what you're talking about, I already told you who I am!" The Spaniard was beginning to feel real fear. 《What the hell is wrong with him?! He's absolutely crazy.》 "You only told me your name, nothing else," objected Lovino, standing up and walking towards Antonio, who wanted to escape again. But the Italian was quicker and caught him once again, grabbing his face this time with both hands and shoving him against the wall, without giving him any time for resistance, nor moderating his force. The Spaniard's back produced a hollow sound, caused by the violent impact with the wall. "Stop it already!" demanded Antonio, who couldn't believe that a shorter guy than him could push him against a wall with such easiness. "TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!" screamed Lovino so loudly it resounded through the room. The Spaniard fell silent and felt his eyes inevitably get attacked by Lovino's dark look again. "Tell me who you are behind that smile..." 《No... stop looking at me like that... I don't want anyone to look at me! Don't look at me!... I don't want you to notice who I am, don't want anyone to remind me how pathetic I am, don't want anyone to see who I turned into, don't want to be judged... Don't look at me like that!》 "Don't look at me like that," whispered Antonio, weakly trying to shove Lovino away, who didn't move even one centimeter from his spot. "Don't stare at me!" Antonio's voice got louder, and he covered his face with his arms, despite still being held by the Italian. 《Enough, enough, enough... if you continue like that, I'll... Leave me in peace! Why aren't you like the others?! Why aren't you satisfied with a smile?! You barely know me, so what right do you have to demand any explications from me?! Just let me continue lying to the whole world. After all, that's what everybody wants, isn't it? Everybody wants to see the best of me, everyone expects the best of me, everybody wants me to be strong and to be their supporting pillar! Everybody loads their burden on me... makes me their pillar... I have to endure it for their sake! I can't collapse in front of nobody, I can't... I can't...!》 "No, you're not that strong," commented Lovino out of nowhere. This time, Antonio began trembling for real, so much his knees became weak, while he still kept trying to cover his face with his arms. 《Shut up!... I am strong! I have to be... 》 "I am strong," said Antonio, his voice breaking in the middle of the sentence. He lost all force in his knees and fell to the ground. Lovino finally let go of his face and kneeled in front of him, watching him continuing to hide behind his arms. 《Who am I trying to deceive? I can't take it anymore, am fed up and sick and tired of everyone and everything... can't take it anymore... can't bear it any longer... please... I just want to disappear.》 "Let me disappear," pronounced Antonio finally, his voice barely audible. He was trembling from head to toe, and some tears ran along his chin. Lovino sat down cross-legged in front of him, let out a long and heavy snort and, a bit hesitantly, placed his hand on the Spaniard's head, who did a little jump as he felt the Italian's fingers in his hair. "It's alright... you don't have to smile at me," said Lovino to him. Finally, the Spaniard removed his arms and uncovered his crying face, that made him look pitiable and nothing like the always happy Antonio. This time, his green eyes were shining with tears and not from a fake cheerfulness, and his cheeks free of dimples and red from the crying. There was no happy expression anymore, instead just the tired face of a normal person, the real face behind the mask. And out of nowhere, he broke into tears. But he wasn't crying like Feliciano did when he was small, screaming and bawling, nor was it made out of silent sobs or the one you hide behind the door of your bedroom, no. It was crying, consisting of many, many tears, panting and incomprehensible murmurs and thoughts that turned into an unintelligible mess for Lovino, who didn't understand, why the hell he was doing all that. Lovino hated people more than anything, and you could say that he sometimes even feared them... so where did this sudden altruistic side come from, that made him listen to the laments of some guy, laments that he had already heard a countless number of times during his life? And so, he continued sitting on the floor, watching the Spaniard's tears fall one after the other and listening to his chaotic thoughts coming directly from his heart, that seemed to be bitterly crying as well. Lovino placed his elbows on his knees and then his cheeks on his hands, observing the distressed and weeping Spaniard. 《I've had enough... I can't continue living like this, I'm just too tired to go back to do all this again. Why is he the only one, who ever noticed that?》 For the first time in his 23 years of life, Lovino felt curious. He never had cared about the reasons behind all the direful thoughts he heard before, but this guy had awakened a curiosity in him, he thought to not even possess. What was it that had pushed Antonio to that point? Who or what was forcing him to pretend to be strong and happy?... Lovino didn't understand in the slightest, how someone could let himself be pushed to his limits just to please others. It was strange that, despite knowing each one of people's secrets, being able to listen to their hearts... Lovino still couldn't comprehend, how people were able to create such strong bonds, not even, why Feliciano had decided on his own accord to go without a private life and without secrets, just for his sake. Sometimes Lovino didn't even feel human, not because of his strange ability, but because he didn't sense any necessity to get close to others. You could call Feliciano an exception, after all they had grown up together, but apart from him, he tried to stay away from people as much as possible. Maybe people like Antonio, who are driven to the limits of despair thanks to that corrupted bonds, were the reason for his loathing and his fear... yes... relations with other never brought anything good. It was enough to just take a look at Antonio: What good did these people do to him, who, according to his own thoughts, had put the load of their existence on his shoulders and made him collapse under the weight without even noticing it, egoistically leaning on him despite making him sink deeper and deeper? "You're so stupid..." whispered Lovino, but the other man didn't hear him this time, being too busy with crying and weeping. Lovino looked at him, but not with pity... but with a deep coldness, an emptiness very similar to the one in Antonio's eyes the night before. Yes, Antonio was stupid for creating bonds and relationships with others... after all, they all were the same hypocritical trash in the end. A familiar meow mixed itself into Antonio's sobbing. Tortuga skillfully entered the house through the window in the living room and approached the two guys with his elegant feline movements, looking calculatingly at the Spaniard, who was trying to calm down, and then at Lovino, who returned his gaze and tried to attract him moving his fingers. "Your owner's a bit busy right now with making a fool out of himself in a stranger's house. So wait until he calms down a little," he said to the cat, who meowed, rubbed up against his arm and climbed on his lap. Antonio finally looked up, when he heard his pet meowing, and forced himself to smile, even despite having his face full of tears. "Hola Tortuga, how did you get here?" he asked with a broken voice, wiping his face with his sleeve. "This little bastard almost lives here, taking advantage of me every time he gets the chance," commented Lovino, tapping the cat lightly on the nose, who tried to strike him with his paw for that. "It seems that he learned that from me... here I am, taking advantage of your kindness again. Sorry you had to witness that," apologized Antonio in a still trembling voice. "I already told you not to apologize, if you're not feeling sorry," spat Lovino at him, whereupon Tortuga got angry and tried to scratch him. The Italian assumed that the Spaniard was making that pathetic smiling face again, but saw something else, when he looked at him. "Thanks," said Antonio, surprising Lovino, who very rarely had gotten sincere gratitude in his life before. And yes, it was sincere, the Italian was more than sure of that. 《Thanks for listening to me.》 "Better don't say anything, you're making it sound as if I've really done something for you," answered Lovino, starting to play with Tortuga as a pretext to not have to look at Antonio, who leaned his back against the wall, watching him. "But you did... if I had to continue faking the whole day that my life is alright, I would have jumped off a bridge on my way to work, I swear," he said and despite his joking tone it was pretty clear that he was serious. "Then stop faking it already and just tell the truth. As simple as that," commented Lovino, shrugging and returning his gaze to Antonio. The Spaniard once again let out his tired laugh that made him seem completely exhausted from absolutely everything. "If it really was so simple, I would have done it already, don't you think?" he asked, while the cat got bored from the game and climbed down from the Italian's lap to find something else to entertain himself with in the living room. What followed, was a considerably long silence. Antonio wasn't sure if he should keep talking or better end the conversation there. But Lovino still had that piercing look directed at him, at his forehead, it was as if he could discover every single one of his secrets with his gaze alone... that's why the Spaniard decided to continue after all, but because he was intimidated by these dark eyes rather than on his own accord. "Sometimes I feel as if everyone insinuated that there's absolutely no room for my problems in this world... I mean, everyone has their own worries, sadness, anger, and distress... but... I was never allowed to," he began explaining, while drawing invisible circles with his index finger on the floor tiles. "The entire time it was always the same: Smile, Antonio! Do it for Mom... because if you don't do it in her presence, she will never get out of bed, 'cause after Dad's death she doesn't want to know anything from anyone, but if I smile, she'll feel better. If I don't tell her what I need and that I feel lonely and sad too, she may even leave her room today. Smile, Antonio! Because nobody wants to see a sad child, nobody wants to play with a crying boy... so smile at everyone, so they don't leave you as well, don't say a word, or they will all abandon you. Smile, Antonio! Despite having to grow up way too early, just smile at the fact that you have to leave school and begin to work, because your mother doesn't manage to earn enough by herself. Smile, Antonio! Continue faking that you're strong and mature enough to accept everyone's expectations, expectations that you can cope with everything. Look how they congratulate you on being such a good boy... look how they shower you with praise and admiration, but no one ever offers you a helping hand. Smile, Antonio! Despite internally dying more and more each day, every time you tell them "I'm alright.", because Francis believes it, because Gilbert believes it... because they expect you to be alright for their sake. Smile, Antonio! Despite watching how everyone is moving forward, while you continue to be stuck in that mediocre life you never wanted and still hope it gets better one day. But you know it won't, because everyone's problems are holding you back and constrain you, and you can't go on, since you need to be everyone's support, because it's not only Mom, but also your friends and the people surrounding you. Everyone expects so much from you, expects that you're able to keep bearing it all!... But just continue to smile, exactly how you always have while watching your life go down the drain and while you get more and more tired with each passing day, and you're sick of everything, until you start hating it all... Laugh! Because no one really cares about you. Smile at everyone and wait for this torture to end... be careful not to collapse in front of anyone, and try to keep being the strong guy you never were. Don't say anything... just smile," Antonio narrated and effectively there it was, a smile on his face that looked like a mask. As if that bad habit was so strong, so deeply ingrained in him, that he had long forgotten how to show any other expression. "But now I've had enough," he suddenly changed his tone. "I'm sick and tired of this so-called life that isn't even mine... I always had to live for others, and when I think about it now, I notice that I never have done anything for myself. But at the same time I'm so fed up that I just want to disappear... and this exhaustion to end... I just want a rest from all this." As he spoke, he was gradually bending over and looking as if he was on the verge of crying again. 《I don't think he'll understand. Right now, he must be thinking something like "the children in Africa have it a thousand times worse, your problems are nothing compared to that."... Everyone's the same... nobody really cares.》 Lovino let out a long sigh and stood up, being observed by Antonio, who hadn't expected to see that bored expression on his face. But in reality, Lovino did understand, he understood perfectly how it felt like to be absolutely tired from life. The Italian placed himself in front of him and offered him his hand to help him up. With slight hesitation, Antonio looked at the hand and then on the other man himself, who looked as grumpy as always. "Let's eat, before the food gets even colder," the Italian said. The Spaniard didn't expect these words in the slightest, but still took his hand and got up. They both returned to the table, where, in fact, the breakfast had already gotten a bit cold, but they didn't really seem to care. The Italian sat down and began eating, as if he had never witnessed a person collapse under the weight of their own secrets just now or never listened to the life story of that same person. Still a bit unsure, Antonio took the fork to eat as well, but couldn't resist asking. "Won't you say anything to me?" he finally let out. Lovino blinked a few times, frowning. "What do you want me to say?" he wanted to know. Antonio shrugged. "Well... something about all these things I just told you..." he replied a bit shyly. Lovino just rolled his eyes. "We all have shit to deal with, yours is nothing new, that's why I don't have anything to say. If you're expecting a motivational monologue or a sermon about how wonderful and incredible life is, then you can forget it right there. I have enough of my own crap to go through, so I don't need yours as well," snapped Lovino at Antonio, surprising him a bit. Now, the Spaniard started to think for real that the other was the most unpleasant, rude, snappish and irritating person in the whole world. "However..." continued Lovino. "I won't ever force you to smile, so if you don't feel like it, then just don't... nor do I expect anything from you... not even to be strong." Hearing that, Antonio opened his eyes wide and then began to laugh. "Thank you," he repeated, amused by this crude kindness. And his laughter was not fake, since Lovino could hear part of his heart laughing as well. 《What's the matter with this guy? I think he's not like the others, after all... I like him.》 Lovino raised his gaze on the spot and saw Antonio laughing and taking his fork with more determination, finally starting to eat. The Italian was observing him, as if he was the weirdest creature in the entire universe. Lovino had never heard something good about himself that didn't come from Feliciano, that's why these last words had made him rather curious. And during the entire breakfast, he didn't take his eyes off Antonio.