My smart girl 3. Rewriting our stars

After his words, a heavy, oppressive silence fell. To dispel it at least a little, I whispered with a smile: “But going back to the question of your vampire nature… I’m more interested in something else… How did you manage to hide your bloodthirsty side from me for so long, hm?” Jay smirked, turning back into a big playful cat. Lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, he told me: “I only come to you at night, baby… And you always stayed the night with me too… To be honest, I thought you’d figure it out sooner. Night is vampire time, after all.” “So that’s where you disappear to all day? Sleeping in a coffin?” I asked with accusing notes in my voice, biting my lip and trying my hardest not to laugh. Jay narrowed his eyes slyly, smiling just as slyly. “Of course, darling.” “And where is it?” “What do you mean ‘where’? In the on-call room, naturally. In the closet.” I stared at him for a few seconds, trying to understand how he could say such nonsense with such a serious face. But Jay remained perfectly composed, so I broke first — burying my face in his chest and shaking with silent laughter. When I finally stopped and wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes, I shook my head. “God… What are we even talking about instead of sleeping?” Jay smiled carelessly and shrugged. After leaving one last light kiss on my neck, he lifted his head and whispered with a smile: “At least I managed to distract you and cheer you up. And by the way, darling, your bitten neck doesn’t hurt anymore, right?” In truth, I had already completely forgotten about my fake complaint about the pain from his bite, but I decided to tease my beloved doctor-husband a little more. Just… for prevention. “It hurts,” I lied shamelessly, innocently batting my lashes and looking him in the eyes with the most honest expression I could muster. Jay gave me a reproachful look, clicked his tongue, and disapprovingly shook his head, making it clear with his whole appearance that lying is bad — just like fighting. “Liar,” he grumbled, hiding a smile in the corners of his lips. “There’s not even a trace left.” In his eyes, it was written in capital letters: “BAD BAMBI. VERY BAD.” And in small print below: “Just like her tiger.” Yep. Husband and wife — one and the same… well, you get it. Confirming my reputation as a bad Bambi and completely shattering the image of the former good girl, I asked: “Are you sure?” “More than sure.” “Check again, otherwise I’ll have to ask Tae to do it, and he definitely won’t like what he finds,” I demanded, giving my beloved husband an extremely meaningful look from under my lashes. “Little blackmailer. Threatening me again? Where did you learn such bad manners?” he grumbled with a smile, kissing my chin. “Well, I know this one bandit. Extremely cheeky. Capital ‘C’ for Cheeky. And he has a very bad influence on me. That’s where I learned it from,” I shrugged, smiling carelessly and barely holding back laughter. That very cheeky bandit heaved a heavy sigh, admitting defeat in the face of feminine cunning. “I’ve spoiled you… and now I have to deal with the consequences,” Jay muttered almost inaudibly under his breath. I couldn’t hold back and snorted again, burying my face in his shoulder. “Exactly. So now deal with the consequences.” In response, I received another heavy sigh and a resigned: “Alright then. Where does it hurt, bunny? Here?” He lowered his head and softly kissed me under the chin. “Lower,” I smiled, turning my head and shamelessly offering myself to his velvety lips. “Hmm… Then maybe here..?” His lips obediently slid lower, leaving a trail of the lightest kisses on my neck. “Almost, Doctor…” “Almost..? Ah, I see. Right here, yes..?” he purred. “Yes…” A quiet sigh escaped my lips, and I clutched his shoulders, arching from the wet kiss on my neck. “Well, I hope it doesn’t hurt anymore now?” Jay purred, nevertheless continuing to kiss my neck and collarbones. I answered with an indistinct, approving hum — openly enjoying everything he was doing to me and glad that only I had such privileges and such special “intensive therapy.” Still, I couldn’t help but voice what was on my mind: “Why does this feel so much like a ‘doctor-patient’ roleplay?” “Well… probably because that’s exactly what it is,” Jay replied with a quiet chuckle and added, “Though usually it goes much further. But since that’s not an option for us right now… You did confess that you fantasized about me in a white coat… So now you have a wonderful opportunity to tell me about your fantasies so I know what you want in the future…” Oh… I didn’t think he still remembered that conversation. But… my husband didn’t suffer from memory loss yet. Unfortunately. He probably expected me to tell him something spicy, but… something went wrong again. Instead of meeting his expectations, I squeaked shyly, unable to withstand the intensity of his gaze full of playful devils, and covered my face with my hands. A hoarse laugh sounded above my head — just like on our first night when I fully realized what I would be dealing with in bed with him. Then came the same question: “Hey, baby, what happened?” “It’s embarrassing… terribly embarrassing,” I confessed with a sigh, looking at my smiling husband through my fingers. “How much?” he asked with a teasing yet too-understanding smile. “Almost as much as the first time I saw you naked,” I admitted with a sigh. He smirked, leaned down, and kissed my forehead. Then he stroked my cheek and whispered: “Bambi… we’re just playing… don’t take it so seriously.” I sighed again. Meanwhile, Jay lay on his side, propped his head on his hand, and stared at me expectantly, smiling slyly and biting his lip in anticipation. He clearly hadn’t given up hope of squeezing all my secret wet fantasies out of me with him in the leading role. “Come on, little one… tell me what you’d like to do with me while I’m in the white coat.” “You already know,” I finally lowered my hands from my face and gave my suspiciously pleased husband a meaningful look. But the rascal just shrugged. “No, I don’t. I haven’t learned to read your mind yet.” I rolled my eyes with an offended snort. “Stop it, Jay.” Realizing that his teasing was only making it worse and that I wouldn’t tell him anything at this rate, he moved closer, almost touching my nose with his, placed a hand on my waist, and gently squeezed it while smiling. “Darling… are you still shy with me about these kinds of conversations?” I sighed, understanding there was no point in hiding it — especially from him, the direct cause of my embarrassment. With a sigh, I confessed: “Not with you, but… Even though we’ve been intimate, these kinds of talks still make me blush.” Thankfully, Jay didn’t joke about it. He just smiled softly with understanding, kissed my temple, and whispered: “Don’t worry, sunshine. I understand. You’re still my little, inexperienced, naive fawn. Sometimes I forget just how innocent you still are. Though I did once want to suggest phone sex…” “Jay!..” I groaned in despair, covering my burning face with my hands again, hoping to hide from his laughing, warm gaze. But I could still feel it on me like a scorching caress. He chuckled quietly, embarrassing me even more, but thank God he didn’t say anything else. “If you had done that, I would have definitely blocked you,” I grumbled, feeling him pull me closer and kiss my shoulder. In response came a quiet chuckle and a smug, self-confident: “I don’t think so, baby… On the contrary, I’m more than sure you would have liked it. Just like everything else I did with you that you initially refused so categorically. It was the same with kisses…” — a soft kiss on the neck, “with massage…” — another, a little higher, “with caresses…” — a hoarse purr right against my lips, and finally, with a soft smile, “You didn’t even want to be my girlfriend at first, and now we’re married,” he reminded me without a hint of reproach. Still, I hurried to justify myself, pressing myself against his warm chest and whispering: “I was just… very scared…” Jay froze, listening to my breathing and gently running his fingers through the hair at the back of my head. Then he softly kissed my temple and asked: “Of what, little one?” I closed my eyes, basking in his caress and enjoying his warmth and closeness. It made it so much easier to confess everything I had hidden from him for so long. “At first… of you. And then… of my feelings for you. You were a typical bad boy, and I thought that… once you had me, you’d get tired of me very quickly and get bored… find yourself a new toy, and I… would be left suffering.” He hugged me even tighter, enveloping me in his arms, and exhaled hoarsely: “Silly girl… that will never happen. Maybe at first I acted like an asshole, but before you, I had never loved anyone. In a way, these feelings were new and scary for me too. Especially since you kept snorting at me and wrinkling your adorable little nose every time I appeared on your doorstep. That, you know… didn’t exactly boost my confidence.” “I’m sorry, my love. I tormented you a lot, didn’t I?” I smiled and ran my palm over his chest, tilting my head back to look up at him. Jay sighed, pressed his hot forehead to mine, and closed his eyes, admitting: “Terribly, doll. You practically broke my heart by rejecting my advances over and over again.” “You mean your harassment?” I raised an eyebrow, biting my lip so I wouldn’t laugh again. “Hey… that was the only way I knew how to court someone back then…” he grumbled in a playfully offended tone, biting his own smiling lips. “And then you suddenly learned?” I continued teasing my Mr. Hooligan. He nodded solemnly. “And what inspired this heroic act?” “Your educational slap that shifted my jaw.” He said it with a perfectly straight face. I couldn’t hold back and laughed, burying my face in his chest. “I’m sorry, honey. Did it hurt?” “Very much,” he exhaled loudly, his eyebrows pitifully arching into a sad house shape. I couldn’t help but laugh quietly again, but then reached for his handsome face, hugged it, and tenderly stroked his sharp cheekbones. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn’t have hit you so hard that night,” I whispered sincerely, realizing I really had gone too far back then. But he just grinned cheerfully, erasing any trace of my guilt. Understanding he was joking, he covered my hand with his and breathed out: “Don’t apologize, baby. You did everything right. Because I’m afraid that otherwise it wouldn’t have gotten through to me that I couldn’t treat you like that.” I raised an eyebrow, smiling teasingly. “Or maybe… Tae just threatened you with actual bodily harm if you didn’t stop putting your hands on me, and you suddenly got smarter?” In response, he snorted indignantly, which caused another wave of my laughter. “Nothing of the sort!” “Oh really?” I didn’t let up. “And I’m also pretty sure he promised you a long and painful death at his hands if you ever hurt me, and you’re just scared of him — that’s why you’re still putting up with me.” Jay clicked his tongue disapprovingly and shook his head, only squeezing me tighter in his arms. “Bambi… you really are something… Silly,” — followed by a soft kiss on the forehead, “Silly,” — on the temple, “Silly,” — on the tip of my nose, and then impossibly tenderly, “My beloved girl. Would I have pursued you for so long if I just wanted to play and forget?” I sighed, finally admitting that all my previous fears had been groundless. He pressed his cheek to my hair and quietly whispered: “I think… I fell in love with you at first sight, even though I never believed in such nonsense before. But you changed my world, Rosé… you changed me.” I smiled, nuzzling my nose into his warm neck. “And you changed me, my love… And I don’t regret it one bit.” Jay smiled, tilting my chin up, and left a soft, feather-light kiss on my lips. Then he became serious again and quietly whispered: “And now tell me — how are you feeling?” I smiled weakly and stroked his cheek. “After your kisses or in general?” He covered my hand with his, stroking it with his warm, gentle fingers. “I already know my kisses always make you feel better, but that’s not what I’m asking, baby. Tell me how you’ve been feeling throughout the day. Only the truth, okay?” A silent sigh escaped my lips when I realized he was dead serious. But I also understood it was pointless to hide the real situation from my attending physician, so I confessed: “I feel… constantly tired… and it seems that even when I sleep fifteen hours a day… I still wake up exhausted.” Hearing this, Jay closed his eyes as if my words caused him physical pain. Then he tried to smile, though it came out strained. His next words made me doubt their truthfulness. “It’s all… side effects of the medication, baby,” he whispered, stroking my cheek. “Are you lying again?” I covered his warm palm with mine, not wanting to let go too soon, but still looked at him reproachfully. To my surprise, he didn’t even try to deny it. With a sigh, he admitted: “I’m lying.” “Why?” “Because I don’t want to tell you the truth,” his voice was no louder than a breath, as if it was unbearable for him to say it out loud. My heart clenched at the realization that he really did have something to hide. But I wasn’t going to get angry with him for it. I just stroked his cheek and whispered with a sad smile: “What about your principle of never lying?” Jay exhaled raggedly and pressed his cheek to my palm, closing his eyes. Then he looked at me again with a desperate gaze in which, for the first time, I could read all his emotions like an open book. “With you, it doesn’t work, little one.” “Why?” I tilted my head, carefully brushing the unruly soft lock from his beloved gentle eyes. He smiled bitterly and whispered: “Do I really need to explain it to you?” I froze for a moment, lost again in the bottomless depth of his eyes, but still breathed out: “You know what they say… better the bitter truth than a sweet lie, Jay…” But he shook his head. “Not in this case, Bambi.” “Why?” “Because… this is a lie for salvation, my good girl. I promised… that I would save you. And if I have to lie to do that… then I will.” “Jay…” “Forgive me, my love…” “For what, silly? What have you already managed to do while I was sleeping? Don’t tell me… you were flirting with the nurses? If so, then I… am filing for divorce immediately,” I tried to chase away the bitterness in his gaze with this ridiculous joke. But he shook his head, biting his lip, and exhaled raggedly without looking at me. His next words literally knocked all the air out of my lungs: “Forgive me, baby… it’s all my fault.” “What..? What are you talking about?” I frowned in confusion, trying to catch his eyes, but he wouldn’t look at me, pressing his lips into a thin line. I was seriously starting to worry. “Jay, please… look at me… What are you talking about?” “Bambi…” He took a shuddering breath and finally burned me with his dark gaze from under his thick lashes. “This all… happened because of me… And everything your brother said… he was absolutely right. I shouldn’t have taken you out of the clinic…” “What?” My heart clenched painfully as I finally understood what he was talking about, but I still didn’t want to believe it. “What do you mean?” He squeezed his eyes shut, dropped his head, and clenched his hands into fists. “Rosé, I… I shouldn’t have taken you from the clinic that night when I made you mine… because you got worse… because of me…” It felt like a sharp blade had slashed across my heart. I leaned toward him and covered his hands with mine, desperately trying to catch his gaze. “Don’t say that…” I practically begged, but he still wouldn’t look at me. “You can’t know that…” “I can,” he stubbornly shook his head. “I can, Rosé. If I… hadn’t given in to your pleas… if we hadn’t become intimate… It was an unforgivable mistake… that almost cost you your life…” This felt like an electric shock. I recoiled from him in shock, unable to believe my ears. My lips trembled, and tears welled up in my eyes. “You’re saying… that the most beautiful night of my life was… a mistake..? Jay, are you… Do you regret what happened between us..?” The words slipped from my lips in a trembling, barely audible whisper filled with tears. “Bambi…” He finally raised his gaze. The pain in his eyes was a mirror reflection of my own. He reached for me, pulling me back into his arms, pressed his forehead to mine, and whispered raggedly, “It’s not about that, you know it, but…” I saw how hard every word was for him and felt that he already regretted half of what he’d said. But inside me rose a protesting storm, and now it was his turn to listen. I reached for his face, cupped it with my hands, and looking straight into his eyes, said firmly: “Now you listen to me. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare regret it. I forbid you, do you hear me? That was… the best… the most tender and… the most magical night of my life. And you gave me this magical winter fairy tale, my dearest…" I sobbed shakily, biting my trembling lips, but I had to finish. Taking a deep breath, I quietly whispered, desperately hoping my words would reach his heart: “Please don’t regret it, just like I don’t regret it. Because… that was everything I wanted… You are everything I have ever wanted. So just… don’t you dare.” Jay seemed to stop breathing entirely until the last word left my lips and dissolved into the silence between us. Then he pulled me to him impulsively, burying his face in my neck, and whispered in a cracked, broken voice so unlike his usual tender purr: “Bambi, I… I’m just… insanely scared… of losing you…” My heart clenched painfully. I hugged him back as tightly as my limited strength allowed, biting my lip so I wouldn’t cry. “You won’t lose me… you won’t, my love… I promise you… I will always be with you…” Tears were already standing in my eyes. Even though I wasn’t sure I could keep this promise, I had to make it. Because today was the first time he had broken down — the first time he let me see all his pain and fear. And when strong people break, it’s the most terrifying thing of all… How heavy it must have been for him all this time if only now he allowed me to see his true feelings and experiences? “Bambi… forgive me… forgive me, my love… I didn’t want to…” Jay whispered hoarsely, holding me so tightly and desperately that I could barely breathe. But air without him… wasn’t something I needed. “Shh… just hold me, please… Hold me tighter, my dearest… Without you… it’s so cold…” slipped from my lips. I weakly closed my eyes, drowning in his strong, familiar embrace. Somewhere above my head came a ragged sigh that sounded more like a muffled sob. Jay pressed his cheek to my hair, hugging me so tightly that I could feel the beating of his heart in his chest — exactly the way I wanted. The way I needed to feel completely, absolutely safe. “…Don’t go… don’t let me go…” my heart whispered. And heard in response: “I’ll never let you go.”