My smart girl 3. Rewriting our stars

Rose Dying is terrifying. No matter what anyone says or how old you are. I know that for certain now. I admit, I had never seriously thought about death before. Like so many people, I believed it was something that would happen far in the future. I was completely unprepared for the harsh reality that crashed down on me. Honestly, even after being admitted to the clinic, I didn’t fully realize how bad it was. I thought Jay was exaggerating the danger to my life. But unfortunately, everything turned out exactly as he had warned me. And now… I am unbearably afraid of dying. This fear crawls under my skin like icy fingers, seeping into every cell of my body. It makes it hard to breathe and impossible to sleep at night. The only thing keeping me from completely losing my mind is the familiar warmth of Jay sleeping beside me, holding me tightly in his arms until dawn. But to my horror — which came late but has now become my constant companion — everything I was sure would never happen to me has come true. After I regained consciousness from clinical death, something inside me changed irreversibly. If before I hadn’t fully understood the severity of my condition that Jay kept warning me about, now… I understand everything. I see the anxiety that flashes in his eyes every time he looks at me. I feel his overprotectiveness, his constant warnings, and his firm refusals when I begged him to be my first. Deep down, I naively thought he was exaggerating. I even emotionally blackmailed him with my birthday, giving him an ultimatum and doing everything I could to get what I wanted. But as it turned out, everything he told me was true. And by a cruel twist of fate, what he feared most happened to me right here in the clinic — as if it were punishment for the happiness we had stolen. It’s so unbearably unfair. To finally find true love — something not everyone is lucky enough to experience even in adulthood — only to have it taken away so soon… This pain is almost impossible to endure. And yet… I don’t regret a single thing. Not a single minute spent in his arms. Because we might not have had even that much time. …I wanted to remember every second, every moment of that long-awaited, unbearably tender night that Jay gave me — turning it into a real, fulfilled dream. He gave me a magical winter fairytale sparkling with silver stars and golden candlelight, scattered with rose petals, becoming my own personal miracle — just like Landon was for Jamie. And it wasn’t about the candles or the roses… It was about him. He was… an incredible man. Loving, caring, gentle, and attentive. Nothing like the infuriating scoundrel who once decided to raid our fridge and, in doing so, sealed my fate long before I was willing to admit it. Now I only deeply regret one thing — that I resisted his love for so long. That I didn’t believe in it, thinking it was just a game. That I got angry when he tried to prove otherwise. And that we didn’t meet earlier. That we had so little time together… Jay had no idea how much our first night meant to me, or how deeply his feverish declarations of love — whispered against my lips between countless tender, passionate, mind-numbing kisses — burned themselves into my heart. But… dying after that became even more terrifying. Because he had shown me what my life could have been like with him. What real happiness could feel like. Every “I love you” that left his hot lips in a hoarse whisper imprinted itself like a burning brand on my heart, which fluttered with love for him. There was so much of it that it filled every cell of my body — a body that now belonged to him, just like my soul. I whispered my own silent confessions in return, losing myself completely in his tenderness and strong embrace. I wanted to stay with him… forever. But now I understood that the chances of that were almost nonexistent. If before I hadn’t taken my illness seriously, naively hoping everything would somehow work out, now I clearly understood how foolish those hopes had been. It felt like I could hear the invisible clock ticking, relentlessly bringing my death closer… this time, the final one. Dying is very scary. And if someone tells you they’re tired of living and ready for death, don’t believe them. You can never truly prepare for it. It’s not even about not knowing what awaits us on the other side… No. The worst part is having to leave the people you love without being able to say a proper goodbye. Some may call death a release or a return home, but in reality… it’s cold. Empty. Nothing. All the warmth and light remain here. Because in the short time Jay and I had together, he became my home — my own warm, gentle sun. I knew that without his warmth, I would freeze even in paradise. There was no light at the end of the tunnel like so many who claimed to have returned from the other side described. No… After my heart stopped, there was only darkness. The only thing I could hear was the desperate echo of my beloved’s voice trying to reach me and pull me back. But I couldn’t answer him, no matter how hard I tried… And that was the most terrifying thing of all. After I regained consciousness, Jay was afraid to even breathe on me. He treated me like I was made of the finest crystal. At first, it even amused me, and I tried to convince him I was okay (as okay as someone who had returned from the other side could be), just to erase that worried, haunted look from his beloved amber eyes. But in truth, I felt incredibly weak and constantly exhausted, as if the fight for life had drained every last drop of strength from my body. Only in the strong, reliable arms of my beloved man did I find it easier to breathe. Jay still came to me every night. He would lie down beside me, wrap me in his warm embrace to protect me from the growing winter cold, kiss the top of my head, and pull me close, whispering how much he loved me and that he would never let me go again. I would only smile sadly, tracing patterns on his warm chest with my fingertips, obediently offering my lips for his slow, tender kisses. I allowed myself to be deceived by him — and to deceive myself — and in those precious moments, I let myself dream that we might still have our “happily ever after,” the one he had so recklessly promised me once. But the hope that our fairytale would have a happy ending was growing smaller with every passing day. So I only pressed closer to him, hiding in his arms — arms I knew would never let me fall — and dreamed that the damned dawn would never come. But it always arrived on time, stealing more of my precious, dwindling time. Today, I felt the presence of my beloved doctor even before I fully woke up. I smiled in my sleep, reaching for him and immediately sinking into his strong embrace. Even half-asleep, I felt his warmth — soothing and familiar — wrapping around me like a protective shield and bringing me peace. It seemed even my tired heart beat slower and steadier, and my breathing became deeper, the moment Jay enveloped me in his arms. I reached up, wrapping my arms around his neck and running my fingers through his silky strands. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the beloved scent of my man. Jay pulled me even closer, slowly running his large, warm hands along my back and exhaling softly against my neck, his hot lips barely brushing my skin. So gentle. Always so gentle. My beloved gentle boy, who skillfully hid his warm, loving heart behind an impenetrable icy facade of roughness and sarcastic humor. *What would I do without you, my beloved bandit? The one who so shamelessly stole my heart and claimed it as his own without even asking its owner’s permission?* “I will never let you fall…” he had told me that distant August evening — now seeming like a million light years away — and he had kept his word ever since. He still held me tightly against his heart in his strong, warm arms, refusing to let me give up even when my strength was gone. My beloved Jay… Know this: my heart is still beating… only because of you.