My smart girl 3. Rewriting our stars

Jay “Rose has a heart defect. She’s dying…” These words were still pounding like a drum in my head as I walked down the sterile white hospital corridors, barely seeing where I was going and somehow managing not to crash into anyone. Even if I had, I probably wouldn’t have noticed — those two cursed words were the only thing occupying my mind. *Rose is dying… Rose. Is dying.* I don’t remember how I ended up outside. I only came back to my senses when the cold November wind hurled a handful of prickly snow into my face, finally sobering me up. I stopped and lifted my eyes to the indifferent gray sky hanging overhead, shakily drawing in a breath of the freezing winter air. *Rose is dying.* That damned thought kept slamming against the walls of my skull, refusing to let me think about anything else, refusing to even let me breathe through the pain. She’s dying… my beloved girl… she’s dying. And if I don’t find a donor in the shortest possible time, then… No! I didn’t even want to think about it. God… why are you being so cruel to us? To... her? She didn’t do anything to deserve such punishment. She’s… still just a child… She hasn’t even really lived yet… With a low, helpless growl, I clenched my fists and slammed them into the wall with all my strength, but no physical pain could dull the one that was tearing my soul apart. *** That evening, I started smoking again. Even the acrid nicotine penetrating my lungs along with the cold winter air no longer helped me forget or stop thinking about the fact that my girl had at most six months before this cursed disease killed her. “Inoperable valvular heart defect… Progressive heart failure… An urgent heart transplant is needed. Without it, the remaining life expectancy is three to six months at most…” Everything Ten had told me, I already knew perfectly well, and those words still echoed in my mind when I finally gathered the strength to return to the clinic. I understood that I couldn’t go to Rose in this state — my Bambi was extremely perceptive and would immediately realize something was wrong. She must never know the truth. So first, I had to stop by the doctors’ lounge, which, luckily, was empty. I splashed cold water on my face to hide my reddened eyes (though that could be blamed on the cold outside air). But as for the despair swimming in my gaze — I had no idea how to hide that. When I froze in the doorway of Rose’s ward, Ten was sitting next to her, saying something while she listened, nodded, and smiled. I was sure he hadn’t told her anything — she still didn’t know the cruel truth about her condition. And I… was dying inside as I looked at her. My beloved sunny girl. My happiness. And I had to do everything possible so that my personal sun wouldn’t fall into cold water and go out forever. Taking a deep breath and forcing the most carefree expression I could manage onto my face, I finally entered the ward. The moment Rose saw me, her smile grew even brighter, and she immediately reached out her arms toward me. My heart trembled and clenched with tenderness for this fragile little doll, who had held it in her delicate palms from the very first day. “Jay… Where have you been for so long?” Rose asked quietly as I approached her and sat down on the edge of her bed, taking her small, gentle hands in mine. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Ten immediately stand up and silently leave, understanding that we needed to be alone. I mentally thanked him for that. “Sorry, sweetheart. The chief doctor urgently called for me, so I had to leave,” the lie slipped from my lips without hesitation, and I thought bitterly that it would most likely become my constant companion from now on. “But you promised you’d stay with me all the time…” my happiness grumbled, puffing up like a little sparrow. Despite everything, I couldn’t hold back a quiet laugh. I pulled the still-grumbling Rose closer to me, gently kissed her forehead, stroked her fragile shoulders, and whispered soothingly: “Hush, hush, my love. I know I let you down, but I’m here now. And while I was gone, nothing terrible happened, right?” *Lie.* The most terrible thing had already happened. And what had happened was so horrific that I couldn’t have imagined it even in my worst nightmare. But Rose still suspected nothing, remaining in blissful ignorance. And it had to stay that way for as long as possible. She shook her head, finally thawing a little, but then she sniffed and wrinkled her adorable little nose, frowning: “Jay… Have you been smoking again?..” There was no reproach in her quiet voice — only confusion and bewilderment. I froze for a moment, not knowing what to say, then pulled the confused Rose into my arms and quietly exhaled into her fluffy, light-colored crown: “I’m sorry, baby. Just one…” Another lie easily left my lips. While standing outside in the cold November snowfall, I had chain-smoked almost the entire pack with trembling hands, lighting one cigarette after another. But no amount of nicotine could stop the shaking. Rose pulled back slightly, trying to catch my gaze. Then she took my face in her palms, forcing me to finally look at her, and whispered softly: “Why?” I took a ragged breath and closed my eyes. I was seriously afraid she would easily see the despair burning me from the inside in my eyes. But I pulled myself together, covered her fragile fingers with mine, smiled gently, and whispered reassuringly: “I got nervous, Bambi.” “You? Got nervous? About what?” Rose exhaled in surprise, looking at me with confusion. Unable to withstand her searching, wary gaze, I pulled her into my arms again — just to feel the warmth of her fragile body and warm my heart, which had frozen from pain and fear for her. Rose let out a quiet “eep” because I had probably hugged her too roughly, but then she hugged me back just as tightly and whispered somewhere into my collarbones: “Jay… What’s wrong with you? Please don’t scare me… Did something happen?” For a moment, I stopped breathing as my heart clenched painfully. Then I took a deep breath, stroked her elegant back, and whispered, burying my face in her neck: “Nothing, baby… Nothing… I was just… really worried about you… And now I smell like an ashtray, I know. I’m sorry, kitten. I won’t smoke anymore, I promise.” A second later, her slender fingers wove into my hair, and Rose smiled as she gently stroked the back of my head: “It’s okay, darling… If it makes you feel better… and you really want to… then you can smoke. I don’t mind at all, honestly. But… I’m okay, right? Ten said everything is fine, and it’s just overexertion…” *God, Bambi… If only you knew…* — almost slipped from my lips. Instead, I gently kissed her shoulder, where the oversized hospital gown had slipped off her fragile figure, then lifted my head and whispered with a strained smile, stroking her pale cheek: “It’s true, honey. You’re perfectly fine. So… you really don’t mind if I smoke?” — although that was the last thing on my mind right now. “Of course… I don’t want to forbid you from anything. Especially… if you need it…” Rose smiled and gently ran her thin, cool fingers across my cheek. I closed my eyes, feeling my frozen heart shatter into sharp little pieces over and over again, making everything inside bleed. Her answering smile was so warm and maturely understanding that treacherous tears rose in my throat — even though I hadn’t cried since… I couldn’t even remember the last time. “I only need you, my love… Only you,” I breathed shakily and pressed my lips to her softly parted ones, not letting her ask the very logical question of why I had suddenly become so sentimental. But now every moment with her was worth its weight in gold, and it felt like time was deliberately speeding up just to tear me away from my beloved girl forever. “And I need you, Jay… That’s why… I’m not going anywhere from you now, you know that,” Rose said softly, smiling as she stroked my cheek after I finally found the strength to let her go. Ignoring another painful stab in my heart, I exhaled: “I know, little fawn. Of course I know.” But now I only knew one thing: I would die with her if I couldn’t save her.