I know, but...

[Da-on]

SPF-100 on my face. And it's still not enough, I know that the merciless Dubai sun will kiss me into bronze anyway. I don’t even mind. I like the darker shade my skin has taken on. Four months of this assignment are behind me. The project is running at full speed; work-wise, everything is going too well. As for my personal life… God. Being away from Son Hyeon and our relationship that has barely-begun made me see things differently. On the surface, everything looked fine. We called each other every day. He sent flowers a couple of times. There were even a few awkward attempts at video-call sex. At least, until the unstable hotel Wi-Fi multiplied the embarrassment and frustration, making it all pretty much unbearable, and we stopped even trying. More and more often, I found myself thinking about what I actually felt for him. Because trying to love Son Hyeon felt disturbingly like trying to love myself. I saw myself in him. And I wanted to prove that someone like me could win. That someone like him deserved love... and that I could give it. Except… I could not. No matter how hard I tried to turn gratitude for a saved life into something that made my heart stutter and skip, it never did. Not once. And the farther away I was from him, the clearer it became. What once seemed like the only right answer to everything turned out to be the wrong foundation. And a cage, for both of us. Even if Son Hyeon didn’t see it that way. “Mr. Jeon, are you preparing for tomorrow’s meeting? They say someone from headquarters is flying in tonight.” My heart stumbles, and my tongue tastes a name. Kim Soo-hyun. It can’t be him. But damn it! I want it to be him. When work at the site wraps up, I send a request for two days off to headquarters. It doesn’t matter who’s arriving tomorrow. I have something urgent to do. The meeting can wait. I head to the hotel next to the site to wash off sweat and the weight of thoughts growing heavier by the minute. I buy a ticket to Seoul and back for the very next day. I have to do this right.

[Soo-hyun]

“Father, it doesn’t have to be me.” “Are you mocking me?! You talk about that damn Dubai hotel every single day. You can’t think about anything else. You’re useless here. So just go and oversee it yourself until the project is finished. I don’t want to discuss this again.” God, how I want to be there.God, how afraid I am to. To see him again — and not be able to touch him. To stay within the bounds of ‘work’ for eight whole months. To hold myself together when one look at him makes me want to fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness. For love. For at least a drop of love instead of the contempt I surely deserve. Maybe not as much as Jaemin does. But he’s hardly good company for comparison. I ruined everything. Back then. At university. With that stupid contract with damn Shin Jaemin. Then I ruined it once again by leaving for the U.S. And then I came back and finished the job. Crushed it completely. But that kiss in his apartment... That night... I tried to convince myself he was responding because he was afraid of my anger. But his moans. His lips, so responsive, so hot. He kissed me back. And I’ll never forget it. My pulse quickens as I arrive in Dubai. I breathe in the dry southern air, nod curtly to the employee meeting me, and follow him to the car that will take me to him. “The meeting is scheduled for tomorrow?” “Yes, sir. But the project curator took two days off.” “…Was he informed of my arrival?” “Yes, Director Kim. Everyone knew management was coming.” I want to break something. He ran away again. I promised I wouldn’t touch him. I know, but…

[Da-on]

“Son Hyeon-ah!” He turns around with that puppy-eye of his, like he can’t believe his ears — or in my voice. He rushes toward me and hugs me right there in front of the office. “Da-on-ah! What are you doing... How are you... Ah, whatever! I’m so happy to see you!” His smile fades when I return it, tight and strained. “You came to leave forever, didn’t you?” “You knew.” “I was afraid to admit it.” “Son Hyeon-ah, you know I lo—” “Don’t say those words if you don’t mean them. It isn’t true. And I appreciate that you tried. I really believed my love would be enough for both of us.” “I can’t do this. It’s not fair to you. Or to me.” “Why didn’t you just call? Why fly all this way?” “Because you don’t deserve a break-up over the phone. I care about you deeply. I’m endlessly grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I owe you my life. Especially for not loving you.” “You need to forgive yourself, you hear me? You don’t owe me anything. I was the one pushing, demanding too much.” “God, Son Hyeon… even now you sound like someone whose little finger I’ll never be worthy of.” “And you sound like you’ve gone back in time and decided you’re worthless again. You still don’t see your value, Da-on-ah? And… do you really think so poorly of my taste? I would never love someone worthless. And I would never shield someone worthless from Jaemin’s damn knife.” “…Son Hyeon.” “No. Don’t. I don’t regret anything. And… thank you for freeing me — both of us — before your assignment ended. I’m still damn happy to see you.” A tear traces a salty line from the corner of his eye to lips stretched in a bitter smile. “Can I… kiss you?” His lips taste faintly of lip balm, a little salt, warm, and all of it is achingly familiar. Letting him go hurts so much. And yet… An invisible weight lifts from my shoulders. I don’t deepen the kiss. I don’t let my tongue get involved. I won’t make this harder. He freed me once. Now I’ll free us both — from a lie. He’ll find someone who will nourish him back from shards, love him fiercely, and heal the wounds I left behind. “Da-on-ah… I know this is right. I know, but…”

[Da-on]

His name on my tongue. In my thoughts. In my hands trembling with impatience. The flight to Dubai feels endless, we're crawling, circling above the clouds. The weight of lost years. Of real feelings that smoldered inside me like an underground fire that is far more dangerous than any open flame. I lost myself the moment I didn’t give him the perfume. The moment they said they belonged to each other — and I became the fifth wheel, unnecessary one. It would be easy to blame Jaemin. Tempting. But despite their fake relationship and idiotic contract, I could have told Soo-hyun. I should have told him. Saved us eight years and kilotons of pain. Shin Jaemin — guilty. Kim Soo-hyun — guilty. Jeon Da-on — guilty too. There are no innocents here. And we’ll have to live with that. I reach the hotel almost on autopilot, shower quickly, and rush to the office. And then I see him in the vast lobby. Impeccably dressed. Radiating calm authority. He walks toward me in slow motion — and everything freezes. “Su—” I stop. He lingers on me for half a second, nods curtly, and walks past. I’m a damn idiot. “Director Kim!” No. I won’t repeat the mistakes I made at university. I’ll do everything I can. He turns. The calm mask cracks — just slightly. I see joy in his eyes. Or maybe I’m imagining it. “Senior Manager Jeon, you missed the meeting,” Soo-hyun says coolly, professionally. “I assume you had more important matters.” “I’m sorry. Could we have dinner tonight? I need to tell you something.” He raises an eyebrow, amused. I mirror the smile — déjà vu burning. The last time I invited Jaemin to dinner, three lives fell apart. “Are you sure this can’t be discussed during working hours? For example, now?” “I could. But… please.” I’m almost begging. He doesn’t flinch. “Please. If not today, then any day that works for you. Su… Soo-hyun-ah. Jebal.” He exhales, a little louder than necessary, and hides one hand behind his back as if trying to hide a clenched fist. “What a coincidence. I’m free tonight. Eight p.m., Secret Garden. Your treat, I assume?” “Of course.” “Your partner won’t mind? Or will you hide our dinner from him? Though... that's not my business.” “It is… your business. Thank you, Soo-hyun-ah. See you tonight.”

[Soo-hyun]

What the hell did he mean — your business?! It can’t be. Why is he toying with my heart again? And how am I supposed to keep my composure when all I want is to drag him — disheveled, exhausted from travel — into my suite and kiss him senseless? Give him everything. This world which he deserves, but which doesn’t deserve him. What does this invitation mean? And how do I survive until evening? … He’s dressed like tonight really matters. There’s a firmness in him I’ve never seen before. He’s going all in. And he arrived before me. The maître d’ leads me to a table that isn’t empty. “Annyeong, Da-on-ah.” He flinches like he’s been shocked — even though he never broke eye contact. “So you’re done pretending you don’t see me? Or that we’re just director and subordinate?” “Weren’t you the one who fled to Korea the moment you found out I was coming? Was I that frightening?” He exhales, takes a sip of water. “Tsk… why does everything go wrong again,” he wrinkles his perfect nose and lowers his voice. “I’m sorry, Soo-hyun-ah. We started off wrong. Please, sit. We need to talk. I’m really happy to see you. Really.” He’s still a mystery. Unpredictable. Desired beyond reason. If he told me to kneel, I think I would. “Have you ordered already?” “No. I waited for you. But I asked the sommelier for red semi-sweet. You still like it, don’t you?” My composure shatters. The double meaning. The tiny detail from a past so distant that remembering it means — I was never irrelevant to him. I nod. My face betrays me. “Soo-hyun-ah…” “Why did you fly to Korea?” God. I didn’t mean to ask it like that. Not so blunt. Not accusing. “No, it’s okay. That’s part of what I wanted to tell you. But let me start elsewhere.” “You can do whatever you want, Da-on-ah. Around me. I swear — that shameful behavior will never—” “I know. Please listen. You told me so much back then. About Jaemin. About the contract. About the secret relationship. I’m grateful. And I owe you honesty too.” “…?” “Are you ready to order?” Anger. Damn waiter. I point to the first item on the menu just to be alone again. “Please. Go on.” Da-on places a small gift bag on the table. “This is for you.” “I don’t understand…” “Just open it.” Inside — expensive, brand-new sealed perfume. And an envelope — worn, old.

“The moment I smelled this scent, I thought of you.

Honestly, the fragrance itself doesn’t matter.

My head is full of thoughts of you.

I like you.

I like you more with each passing day, Kim Soo-hyun”

Below, written in a different pen, much fresher:

“Soo-hyun, I think I’ve fallen in love with you. Again.”

I look up at him, at my unreachable dream. My idol. My bleeding wound. I don’t believe it. “That day you and Jaemin said you were together, I was on my way to meet you. To give you the perfume. To confess. I bought a new bottle — but the note… I don’t know why I kept it after everything we went through. But now you know everything. I’m open to you, Kim Soo-hyun. My confession. My heart. I lo—” “Red semi-sweet, as requested!” I have never wanted a stranger to cease existing more. The waiter pours endlessly while we stare at each other. “I… don’t know what to say.” It’s a lie. I want everything for him. Words just won’t come. “I won’t pressure you,” Da-on says carefully. “I just wanted to be honest. I can’t lie to you — or myself — anymore.” “And Son Hyeon? You were… together?” Why the hell did I think of him now?! “That’s why I flew to Korea. We’re not together, Soo-hyun-ah. We never should have been. He’s wonderful — but I don’t love him. I love you, Kim Soo-hyun.” A tear escapes me. I want to sob. I want to scream to the world that this man is mine. “I know this might be shocking,” Da-on continues softly. “Please don’t rush your answer. I understand if you want to forget everything and just be colleagues. You were very good at that — in the lobby—” “Da-on-ah… do you have any idea how much I love you?”

[Da-on]

He’s still a mystery. Unpredictable. Desired beyond reason. And when he speaks of love — when he returns my feelings — nothing else matters. “Will you finally accept my ring? It’s been waiting on my hand for you.” “You still wear it?!” “Always. Da-on-ah. Only you. There has never been anyone else in my heart. Please — let’s leave.” “Let me pay.” “I already did. Come.” He takes my hand. God, I want to kiss him. But not here. Not in Dubai. Not in public. We slip into the back seat of his tinted Mercedes. One short command to the driver — our hotel. Then his lips are on mine. Greedy. Hungry. He groans, deepens the kiss, grips my hips — and I climb into his lap. “Kim Soo-hyun. You’re mine.” “I’ve always been yours, Da-on-ah.” “I know, but—” “No more excuses. Just kiss me. Love me. Always.” The suite door closes — and the last restraints fall away. For the first time in my life, I feel this kind of passion. This kind of trembling. “I want you, Soo-hyun-ah.” “Are you sure?” “Why do you ask such stupid questions?” “I’m afraid you’ll change your mind. And break me completely.” “Make love to me. Free us both from these thoughts.” He carries me to the bedroom, undresses me carefully, as if I might shatter — and kisses me breathless. “Moan, Da-on-ah. Don’t hold back. Please.” I’m naked. He’s still in his ridiculous — devastating — suit. “Could you… hurry up? I want to see you. All of you.” He undresses under my gaze. God. He’s a work of art. Strong. Precise. Perfect. Mine. “Come here.” “Do you want me to… or should I—?” “Will you prepare me?” I ask softly. “Anything.” His kisses trail down. Slowly. Teasing. Tongue — heat — a gasp torn from me. He doesn’t linger. He moves on. “Da-on…” Two fingers inside me — he looks up, feline smile sharp. “You anticipated how tonight would end, didn’t you?” “I hoped. I was terrified you wouldn’t want me anymore, hyung.” “Say it again.” Three fingers. “Hyuuung…” “I always want you. Never doubt that. But… I don’t have—” “Condoms are in my jacket.” He stripped it off me by the door. “I’ll be quick.” Latex. Heat. Anticipation. Kim Soo-hyun. The right decision which is eight years too late. He takes me slowly, watching my face. Holding back. It doesn’t hurt. I want more. “Soo-hyun-ah. Jebal. Make me scream.” He does. He loves me. I know. No more excuses.