The Chronicles of Theon Pastajoy: The Ballad of the Ultimate Cringe

Snow blanketed the courtyard of Winterfell. Winter reigned supreme. Theon Pastajoy was digging through a snowbank—under Cersei’s orders as punishment for all his betrayals—collecting coal that had specially “fallen” from an overturned wagon. The work was filthy and humiliating, but there was no escaping it. In his head, like a scratched record, a fragment from a Tik-tok was playing on loop. Against his will, one specific video stuck in Theon’s mind: a “food delivery guy edit” where a guy danced with exaggerated, edgy pathos to a heavy beat. And suddenly… his brain betrayed him. Theon tossed the shovel aside, and his body began to live a life of its own, searching for the rhythm. He popped his eyes out and stared intensely, trying to imitate the “tough look” from the video. He started squat-jumping, twitching as if on springs. He straightened up, and his whole frame began to shake in a convulsive dance, spasming like he was being electrocuted. And then, the climax: an attempt to do a handstand and dramatically clap his feet together. CRASH! A snap. His torn boot flew off into the distance. The sounds erupting from his mouth could hardly be called beatboxing. It was more like incoherent mumbling: — Doom-ka-doom-ka-doom-ka-ch! Boom-tss, tish-tish! — Laughter. An explosion of mirth from the balcony. There, watching this pathetic performance, stood Cersei. She pulled out her phone and started filming Theon. — This is content gold! — She exclaimed enthusiastically, through tears of laughter. LMAO! Theon realized he had just turned into a total embarrassment, but he couldn’t stop. Soon, the video appeared on Tik-tok: “Reek tries TikTok! #NorthernDancer #TikTokTrends”. The comments didn’t take long to arrive: “What kind of cringe is this?” “Poor guy, he’s clearly not well.” “The worst thing I’ve ever seen on the internet.” But the most memorable comment was: “Doom-ka-doom-ka-doom-ka-ch!” Theon, seeing this, covered his face with his hands. He realized the full scale of his disgrace. He was Reek, a TikTok star. And this was, perhaps, the most shameful page in his already tragic life. ROFL! Ultimate Bruh.