The Chronicles of Theon Pastajoy: The Ballad of the Ultimate Cringe

Theon Pastajoy, heir to grand ambitions and total carelessness, froze before a stable where a black stallion stood in all its glory, its coat shining with a proud stature. — Incredible creature! — He exhaled in admiration, envisioning his triumphant appearance at the fair, and then at the tournament that would crown his ascent to glory. But the price… The price named by the stout, ruddy stableman was such that it took Theon’s breath away. He began to bargain, beg for a discount, describe his legendary devotion to horses, and swear eternal friendship and care. The stableman first listened with a smirk, but then, tired of the flood of empty promises, barked: — Get lost, boy! If you have no money, go herd goats! — And he turned away, dismissing him. Insulted, Theon wandered through the fair like a soldier exiled from a battlefield. Dejected, he looked at smaller horses, but even for them, he lacked those three silver stags, which painfully struck his ego. And then a voice called out to him, cold and viscous, like the venom of a snake: — Do you seek a worthy horse, Pastajoy? — Theon raised his eyes and saw a man clothed in a dark cloak, whose face seemed carved from granite. Dark hair fell over his shoulders, framing a pale face, and the gaze of his black eyes was piercing and scrutinizing. The seller spoke slowly, with a barely noticeable smirk that betrayed his contempt for everyone around him. His manners, his way of speaking, and his entire aura left Theon unable to say no. — D-yes, sir… uh… m-mister seller. But unfortunately, my financial resources are limited — Theon admitted, trembling. — I have a solution to your problem — The seller hissed. He pointed to a covered wagon, from under the tarp of which the rear end of a horse, wrapped in burlap, protruded. — A horse of exceptional breed. Reliable, sturdy. No one will remain indifferent — Theon, captivated by the promise, fascinated by the seller’s manner (strange as it was), and desperate because he couldn’t buy the stallion, agreed. The price was laughably low. He led the «horse» by a rope, hoping for a miracle. There was very little left until home. When Theon finally climbed up to ride it and ripped off the sack… What he saw plunged him into a shock mixed with horror. In the place where the horse’s head should have been, there was… another, second horse butt! A healthy, shiny one, with a tail wagging in the rhythm of an incomprehensible sickness, and instead of a muzzle—another huge, shameless ass. — What the hell! — He whispered, just before the horse, sensing freedom, let out a thunderous fart and covered Theon in shit from head to toe. ROFL! Theon collapsed into the mud, choking on the stench and the realization of his humiliation. Laughter erupted all around. — What a fool! Who buys a horse in a sack! — The onlookers yelled, pointing at the shit-covered Pastajoy. LMAO! And then Theon realized: he had a premonition, but he had ignored it, and now he was paying for it, as always, with his own stupidity. And the seller, apparently, was the embodiment of his worst nightmares, appearing only to mock him. It turned out that the dream of glory had turned into nothing but a failure, and it was all well-deserved. Maximum cringe.