The Chronicles of Theon Pastajoy: The Ballad of the Ultimate Cringe

The Dreadfort hall was bursting with pathos and stench. Ramsay Bolton had outdone himself: for his latest act of humiliating his pet, he had summoned everyone his messenger could reach. At the long table, piled with questionable delicacies, sat: Cersei Lannister, who was drinking wine as if trying to drown herself in it; Jaime, looking at everything with an expression of «Why didn’t I stay in captivity?»; Tyrion, already asleep in his plate; Daenerys Targaryen, who kept asking if this was «definitely the North and not a circus»; Joffrey Baratheon, giggling and tossing rats into the lords’ goblets; Walder Frey, gumming away with a toothless mouth; and Ellaria Sand, who still hadn’t forgiven Theon for their midnight encounter in the sack. In the center of the hall, Theon Pastajoy stood on his knees. After his adventures in the centrifuge, he was still swaying slightly, and his gaze was fixed on infinity, where moments of his shame rotated instead of stars. — Today — Ramsay proclaimed, fiddling with silver tweezers. — Our great philosopher Pastajoy will solve riddles! For every wrong answer, I will pluck exactly one hair from his beautiful, bushy eyebrows — Theon flinched. His eyebrows were the only thing that still reminded him of his former manly beauty. — Let’s begin! — Ramsay leaned over him. — Riddle number one: What always goes but never reaches the end of the road, and has a root that doesn’t grow in the ground? — Theon blinked, his brain working feverishly. — Uh… A ship in the ocean? — No, you idiot! The answer is a Tooth! It has a root, and it goes… when you lose it! — Ramsay plucked one hair with relish. Theon squeaked. — Riddle number two: What has a heart that doesn’t beat, and a bed in which it never sleeps? — Theon trembled. — A dead man in a coffin? — Think again, Pastajoy. I’ll give you a chance. — Uh… My dog bowl? — No! The answer is a River! It has a bed and a heart of current! — Pluck! Another hair left Theon’s brow. — Riddle number three: What can you catch but never throw away, even if it bothers you? — A scream? — Theon sobbed. — I can throw your scream out the window — Joffrey laughed. — The answer is a Cold! — Ramsay pulled the tweezers again. — Riddle number four: What belongs to you, but other people use it much more often than you do? — The Iron Islands? — Theon suggested. — Think again. — My… my centrifuge? — The answer is your Name, you moron! — Theon started to cry. — Riddle number five: What has a neck but no head, and shoulders but no arms? — A ghost? — Theon whispered. — No! The answer is a Bottle! — Ramsay plucked another hair. — Riddle number six: What goes through cities and fields but never moves from its place? — The wind? — Theon looked at Ramsay hopefully. — Think again, Geyser. — A cloud? — Fail! The answer is a Road! — Another yank. — Riddle number seven: What gets bigger the more you take away from it? — Theon closed his eyes. — A bag of debts? — YOU ARE HOPELESS! — Ramsay roared. — It was a Hole! A common hole in the ground! — Ramsay suddenly grew angry. The one-hair-at-a-time process seemed too slow for him. He tossed the tweezers aside, grabbed Theon by the scruff of his neck, and simply… with sharp movements of his fingers, ripped out all the remaining hair on both of Theon’s eyebrows. — AAAAAAAA! — Pastajoy howled. Ramsay gave him a ringing slap on the back of the head, making Theon’s head snap forward. — Quiet! Last riddle. The most important one. Answer it—and you get a bowl of pasta with butter. Fail—and you’ll be licking the stones. — The whole hall went silent. Even Tyrion woke up. Ramsay smirked slyly. — Riddle number eight: How many bald hedgehogs did Theon Pastajoy have? — Theon froze. — T-t-three? — He blurted out at random. Ramsay slapped him with his palm right on the spot where the eyebrows used to be. The skin there was bright red and already beginning to swell. — Wrong! Again: how many bald hedgehogs did Theon Pastajoy have?! — — Five? — Theon cried out. Another hit on the inflamed brow ridges. — No! Think! — — Ten?! — Another hit. The area above Theon’s eyes began to turn into two huge, crimson, round lumps. Theon squeezed his eyes shut. His brain, accustomed to suffering, produced one last attempt at logic. — One… — he whispered. — I had one bald hedgehog, master… — Why one? — Ramsay froze, anticipating the stupidity. Theon sobbed, smearing tears across his cheeks. — I… I betrayed the Starks only once. And then my soul pricked me from the inside, like a hedgehog in my heart. But after what you did to me, all the needles fell out. My soul became bald… I feel like that very bald hedgehog. The only one in the whole world… — A hush fell over the hall. Daenerys even gave a sympathetic sigh, and Jaime looked away. This was the peak of cringe. But Ramsay Bolton suddenly burst into such a wild laugh that he nearly fell off the dais. — One?! One?! — Ramsay slapped his knees. — Oh gods, you’re even stupider than I thought! Two, you idiot, two! You had two bald hedgehogs! — Theon, blinking his eyes—over which two huge tumors now loomed—asked: — Why two, master? Where are they? — Ramsay grabbed a mirror and shoved it right into Theon’s face. — Look at your eyebrows, Geyser! You don’t have any—I plucked them. And because I hit you in those spots, they swelled up, filled with blood, and became round. Look! Two round, bald, pink lumps! Those are your bald hedgehogs! You grew them yourself! LMAO! — Theon stared into the mirror. A creature with two huge, shiny «bald hedgehogs» instead of eyebrows stared back at him. They really did look like two small, bald, inflamed animals clinging to his forehead. The hall exploded. Joffrey fell off his chair, kicking his legs with laughter. Frey laughed so hard his dentures fell right into Cersei’s soup. Tyrion was ROFL-ing, spilling wine all over himself. Even the stern Ellaria Sand covered her mouth, shaking with laughter. — The Lord of the Hedgehog Brows! — Ramsay shouted. — Look at his bald hedgehogs! They’re looking at us! LMAO! — Theon sat on the floor, touching his swollen, hairless brow ridges with his fingers. The shame was complete. Theon Pastajoy had once again become the ultimate joke, and Ramsay Bolton—the happiest sadist in the Seven Kingdoms.