Whispering Suits

As we pull up outside the building, my stomach drops a little. There are so many people, but so few faces I recognise. Gran straightens herself up, fixing her ridiculous hat and brushing off her suit as the car begins to park. She turns her gaze to Daniel and I, and I try my best to seem steady as she looks us up and down. "Now, I want you both to remember to call me Grandmother when we're in polite company. And no nicknames, you are Indigo and Daniel okay. It is important we put our best foot forward, yes? Right, let's go". The driver opens the door, and Gran slides out. She looks like she's arriving at the red carpet, not her daughter's funeral. I guide Dan out the car with me. Gran turns briefly to check we are following her, and I feel Dan pull tighter to my leg. As soon as we have cleared the car, we are swarmed. Thankfully, the guests right by the door seemed most focused on my grandmother, though that's not a surprise as they're all people she has invited. This whole fancy funeral is just an excuse for Gran to show off to her socialite friends how posh and well-to-do we are. Doesn't matter that it's all a façade, that Mum threw that life away a long time ago, but that's all part of the family shame. One of Grans cronies comes over to me and Dan, she's holding a tissue to her very dry eyes and gives me this look of pity that makes my stomach drop. "Oh dear, look at you, poor dears. It's such a shame, poor Mary. It must be so hard for her, to have to take you on at her age. I still can't believe your mother, well...I suppose we shouldn't speak I'll of the departed". I find myself grinding my teeth, but then Dan tugs on my hand ever so slightly, and I'm reminded that I have to be strong for him. I smile, it's a little too broad and forced, but I try to seem confident. "Thank you for your thoughts. I'm sure Grandmother will be touched by your condolences, though, we don't have the time to pass them on for you, so you should probably speak to her yourself." I look down at Dan. "Let's go, Dan". I push past her and head towards the quiet group of mourners near the door, I ignore the splutter of surprise she makes as we push past, clearly annoyed that we haven't reacted to her insults. I breathe a sigh of relief as I finally spot a friendly face. Nat turns to face us and or the first time today, Dan leaves my side. He runs towards her open arms, and cries out "Aunty Nat!". She scopes him up into a tight hug, swinging him off his feet and spinning him around as he begins to cry into her shoulder. As I get closer, Nat places Dan back in the ground and turns to me. "Not too big for a cuddle with Aunt Nat, are you?" She asks, reaching out an open arm for me. I shake my head, the words won't come but I'm so glad to see her. I let her pull me in for a tight hug, and the three of us stand there huddled away from the rest of the crowd ignoring their looks of disapproval. As we hug, Nat whispers gently in my ear. "You're doing great, kiddo. Your mum would be so proud". I feel the tears start to prick at my eyes, the last two weeks I've tried not to think about how I feel. I've been so busy, there was the funeral to plan and I had to call everyone to notify them of mums death, and then there was Dan. This has all been so hard for him, especially because we were there when she died. I still don't know how to explain to him what happened that night, or that it's my fault she's dead. I feel Nat squeeze my shoulder as I think that, and she whispers quietly. "We'll have none of that, Indy, your mum knew the risk she was taking. And I know she'd do it again. She loved you kids more than anything, you can't blame yourself for what happened. Okay". I nod into her shoulder. "Good, now, I know you've been strong, and it's commendable. But today is for you, it's your chance to say goodbye, so forget what about what anyone else needs and focus on yourself. I'm here for anything you need". She pulls away so that I can clearly see her face, and it's strangely reassuring to see that she is also holding back tears. I look down at Dan, and remind myself that today isn't just about saying goodbye to Mum, it's about finding a way forward for both of us. I wipe a tear away, and the three of us join the rest of the group. There's Tina and her husband Henry from nextdoor, and a few regulars from Nat's cafe. A couple of Dan's friends from school have come, along with their mum's, and it's hard watching him stand awkwardly with them. His best friend Nic comes forward, and as reassuringly as a 7 year old can murmurs “sorry for your loss” then thrusts an arm out towards Dan, passing him something small and plastic looking. I have to suppress a chuckle when I realise it's a deck of Pokémon cards. Dan and Nic form a huddle and start looking through the cards, and it's almost nice to see Dan actually excited over something again. Nat breaks away to say hi to Jim, who if I know him well enough has put in a lot of effort to be here on time, and Nic's mum comes over to me. She's all smiles, and we make small talk. She mentions the upcoming Christmas Nativity the kids are putting on, and is very proud to announce Nic is going to be the Angel. I smile back and say Dan's Shepherd number 1, he's really excited because he has 2 lines and gets to carry around this adorable sheep plushy. For a moment, I forget where we are. For just a minute, I forget what today is. In this huddle, surrounded by friends, taking about normal mundane things like how to make a halo out of tinfoil, I forget about all the horridness of today. I can imagine it's just a normal Saturday, maybe I've taken Dan round to Nic's for a playdate and his mum has invited me in for a cup of tea and a chat. I wish more than anything I could stay in this moment, where all that matters is if the kids know their lines yet, and how we can't believe how close Christmas is already. Then I hear Nat take a deep breath behind me, and I hear the sound of tires rolling down the driveway behind me. I turn as Nic’s mum is mid sentence, not that it matters, she trails off as her eyes follow mine to the hearse pulling into the crematorium. As it takes the turn, I spot the coffin, and I have to reach out and grab Nat’s arm for stability. My knuckles turn white as I grip her arm, but if it hurts she doesn't show it, she just rests one hand on top of mine. My vision starts to feel wobbly, and my chest feels tight. The pink and white flowers spelling ‘MUM’ seem to be cruelly taunting me. I become increasingly aware of the eyes staring at me. I want to run far, far away from this place. I want to run as far as my legs will carry me, I want to run until my lungs hurt and my legs ache. I want to run until I find a place where this is all a dream, where mum isn't inside that coffin. Then, I feel a light tug on left arm, and I look down to see Daniel's face looking up at me. His green eyes are brimming with tears, but he is fighting to keep a wobbly smile on his face. “B…be…b..b..brave, right Indy?” he manages to get out. I suddenly feel steady, like something in me has settled, and I know I can get through this so long as I remember I'm doing it for Dan. I nod at him, and reach out my left hand. “Yeah, we need to be brave. Come on”. The three of us walk hand in hand towards where the hearse is pulling in. I can see Grab out of the corner of my eye, she's putting on quite the performance for her cronies wailing and dabbing at her eyes and nose with a monogrammed lace handkerchief. I try to ignore her as the pallbearers carry the coffin out of the hearse. I hear murmurings from the congregation as we file into the building behind the coffin, but they're quickly drowned out by the music Gran had picked for them to put on. We get seated, with Gran, Dan, Nat and I sitting in the front row. Gran isn't pleased to see Nat sitting with us, but I throw her a look that makes it clear I need her there. The celebrant starts to talk, she thanks everyone for coming, and begins a well rehearsed speech about why we have come together today. Then Gran gets up and reads a poem, 'Do not stand at my grave and weep' by Mary Elizabeth Frye. Afterwards, she has a little speech about her ‘beloved Beatrice’ and the hole she has left behind. Then, the celebrant calls me up. I'm glad I had the foresight to write down what I wanted to say, because standing in front of all these strangers is making me anxious. I fumble with the paper slightly, the. Take a deep breath. “Hello, for those who don't know me, I'm Indigo, and Bee was my mum. She was also my best friend”. I pause to catch my breath, and steady my gaze onto Dan and Nat, who smiles back at me comfortingly. “Mum was an artist, you might have seen her work on display at The Pearl Cafe down at the prom. Mum was always drawing, or painting, and she didn't look quite like herself if she didn't have a smudge on her cheek and her sketchbook in hand. She filled our home with her art, and she always told me that there was no excuse for boring walls”. I pause as those in the crowd who knew mum best chuckle, and then carry on. “Mum was young when she had me, and for a long time it was just the two of us against the world. I wouldn't trade that time we had together for anything, but our world became bigger and brighter when Mum had my little brother, Daniel. Mum would always tell anyone who would listen that I was her brave soldier, and Dan was her pride and joy”. I pause, the next part is going to be hard, but I know I have to do this. I glance at Gran, who is certainly not going to be happy with me, but I don't care. I return my focus to Nat, who already knows what I'm going to say, and she nods assertively. I hear her voice in my mind ‘You can do this, Indy.’ I breathe out, and then address the crowd. “Mum was a warrior. She was the strongest person I have ever known, and she never gave up. Beatrix, or Bee as she liked to be called, died saving my brother and I. I know this may come as a shock to many of you, as my Grandmother has chosen not to reveal the cause of her death. But it's important to me that you all know, she died so that Daniel and I could be here today. She gave all she had for us. Mum, I promise I won't let your sacrifice be in vain. I'll never forget you. Love you, Indy”. I sit down next to Nat, who is already hugging Dan as he's started to cry. I can hear the whispers and shocked murmurs of the crowd around us, but I don't care. Mum deserved for people to know that she went down fighting for us, I couldn't let Gran erase who she was, or what she stood for.