Maruja's Desire

Part Two Jessie was exhausted when Maruja came to pick her up the following morning. Her mind just would not let her rest much the night before. Her thoughts danced between reasons to live and reasons to die. She was curious about Maruja—no doubt about that—but she still couldn’t imagine a life without Cal. If she chose death over life, however, she couldn’t do it where she was. She’d hate to put such a thing on the good doc, but she had to do what she had to do. Just what it was she was going to do, she did not yet know. She could only find that out when she was discharged. Maruja wore a short-sleeved, summery dress with a pretty floral pattern. Jessie was quick to note how slim and attractive her body was, though her face was another story. It wasn’t ugly, but it probably wasn’t considered very pretty by most people’s standards either. There was a hardness to it, but Jessie still found it pleasant enough. “How are you feeling this morning?” Maruja asked her. Jessie simply shrugged. She really didn’t know what to say. “Well, I’m sure you’ll like the smell of my house better than this place, and my cooking a lot better as well.” Jessie nodded and softly said, “Thanks for doing this.” “No problem. Since you don’t have anything to wear and I don’t yet know your size, I brought you a dress of mine that might be a bit roomy on you but should still fit since I’m not that much bigger than you.” “Oh, yeah, that’s right. Even my clothes are gone.” Jessie smiled appreciatively at the doctor but was miserable at the thought of losing her clothes on top of everything else. Maruja's eyes reflected an understanding of sorts. After the nurse wheeled her out of the hospital and to Maruja's waiting car, they were off. Jessie gazed at the passing scenery without taking it in. She felt dead inside. Maruja was quiet at first and respected her need for space, but after a while, she started chatting in hopes of igniting at least a slight spark of life within her. “So, are you hungry yet?” Jessie shook her head. “Breakfast must’ve been terrible, or at least pretty boring.” “Yeah,” Jessie said absently. “You live far from here?” “Oh, no, not at all. Just a few more minutes and we’ll be home.” Home. She hardly considered the good doc’s home to be home. Despite her grim state of mind, Jessie couldn’t help but admire the upscale neighborhood they soon entered. Most of the houses were ranch-style with well-manicured lawns. The homes and yards were sprinkled with expensive and tasteful décor. Maruja glanced over at her, noticing how she was studying the area intently. “Nice, huh?” Jessie nodded as they turned into the driveway of a yellow house with light blue trim and white shutters. The house was set back from the street about forty feet or so and the yard was simple. There weren’t many trees or shrubs—just a few hugging the sides of the house and that was basically it. There were no flowers or colorful things in sight except for a couple of wind chimes. The grass looked as if it had been recently mowed. Maruja reached for a remote and the garage door opened. Unlike the expensive but simple and comfortable car they rode in, an older, sportier car sat parked on the right side of the garage. “That old car is just a backup. My son uses it when he’s in town, but otherwise, it just sits there.” “Your son?” “Yes, Diego. He’s nineteen now and he’s studying to be a cancer specialist.” “That’s nice. Where is he studying?” “Up in San Francisco.” “So he wasn’t affected by the earthquake.” “No, thank God. Sometimes God is good.” “Yeah, real damn good,” Jessie said, not bothering to hide her sarcasm. Maruja gave her a look that was a cross between amusement and scornful. Almost as if to say, Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean, Miss Blunt and Outspoken. Jessie might’ve actually been a bit turned on if it weren’t for the circumstances at hand. “Really, if I hear one more thing about God, I’ll scream.” Maruja put the vehicle in park and killed the engine. “Can you get out okay?” Jessie nodded. “Good, because if I wait one more minute for breakfast, I’ll scream.” Another thing Jessie might’ve done under different circumstances was laugh. Maruja didn’t seem worried about her fragile state of mind and Jessie wondered if it was because she had more confidence in her than she felt, or if she simply didn’t care. And just what was in this whole arrangement for the doctor anyway? She still wondered this but wasn’t sure she should ask. At least not yet. Jessie slowly followed Maruja into the house. “Please shut the door behind you.” Jessie shut the door to the garage and followed the doctor’s brisk gait into the kitchen. “After we eat, I’ll show you around.” “We? Thanks, Doc, but I’m not hungry.” “We’ll see about that,” said Maruja in her heavy Venezuelan accent. “I make a mean omelet.” “How come you didn’t eat before you came to pick me up?” “Because I anticipated us eating together.” “That’s nice of you, and I’m sorry you put yourself out on account of me, but you didn’t have to do that.” “I know,” Maruja said matter-of-factly. The doctor eventually convinced her to try some of her bacon and cheese omelet, and she did. She couldn’t deny that it was good, too. After they ate, Maruja rinsed the dishes. “Want some help?” Jessie asked her. “No. I’m just going to place these in the dishwasher.” When Maruja was done, she showed her the house. It was surprisingly small and simple with just two bedrooms and two baths. “I thought all doctors had big houses.” “Not if they don’t need the space. It’s just me now.” “Are you divorced?” Maruja nodded. “Yes, ma’am. And now that my boy is gone, there isn’t much need for space.” “Ever get lonely?” she asked, surprised at her own curiosity and nosiness. Maruja shrugged. “I suppose I do at times.” “I’m sorry if I seem, well, too nosy or something like that.” “You’re not nosy. You are simply curious about the person whose home you are now living in.” “Living in or staying in?” “That is up to you.” “I’m supposed to kill myself, remember? But I won’t do it here and put that on you, so don’t worry.” “I will not worry because I do not think you will kill yourself.” “Why is that?” “You are asking too many questions, that’s why.” Jessie frowned. “Why does asking questions mean I’m not going to off myself?” Maruja smiled a smile Jessie wasn’t sure she could read as she folded an item of clothing on the foot of the made-up bed in the master bedroom. Was her question funny or something? “Why would you be curious if you were sure you were going to end it all? Why would you care?” “I don’t care about you.” This time, Maruja's smile was as obvious as the quick chuckle she let out. “I—I didn’t mean for it to come off that way. I…” Ignoring her, Maruja said, “Come. Follow me.” Jessie followed the doctor into the spare bedroom across the hall and yawned, suddenly realizing how tired she was. The room had a double bed while the master bedroom had a queen bed. Like the other room, there was a nightstand, a long dresser, and a tall dresser, only this room was done up in shades of blue and green instead of pink and purple. Maruja stopped in front of one of the dressers and said, “Here you will find deodorant, toothpaste, a toothbrush, a hairbrush, as well as some shampoo and other necessities. After you’ve had a nap, we can go to a store to get you some clothes and pick out the exact toiletry items that you prefer instead of just what’s here.” A wave of gratitude washed over Jessie that she couldn’t have pushed away if she wanted to. She gave a small smile and said, “Thank you.” The doctor nodded. “Get some rest. I’ll be just down the hall in the living room.” Just as she started to leave, she stopped and turned back. “Oh, wait. What do you usually sleep in?” “Just my panties, but I guess that’s not appropriate here.” “Why? It’s just us.” “Oh, okay. Then I just get undressed and get into bed?” “Yes, that would be the steps necessary for napping in the undies, if you don’t want to borrow a nightgown.” Jessie smiled and yawned again. Maruja left but didn’t close the door. Jessie took off Maruja's dress and placed it on the dresser. Then she removed the white bra someone had gotten her, leaving on the matching panties. Donations came in from various people and places in support of the survivors, but most of those donations consisted of cards, candy, and flowers as opposed to money and clothing. She guessed that Maruja or a member of the hospital staff had purchased the underwear for her. She quietly closed the door and then pulled the comforter down and slipped between the cool sheets. Much more comfortable than the hospital bed. She closed her eyes but then opened them again after she heard a slow whooshing sound. Maruja had reopened the door. Obviously, the good doc felt more comfortable if she could peek in on her. Too tired to think of whether or not to actually live or die, Jessie promptly fell asleep. ________________________________________ “Jessie.” Jessie stirred in her sleep. “Oh, Jessieee…” Jessie moaned and then realized the voice calling to her was real and she really wasn’t dreaming. Her eyes flashed open with a start and she remembered she was in the much more comfortable spare bed of the good doctor’s and not the hospital. She gazed up into Maruja’s face. “I’m sorry to disturb you,” Maruja told her, “but you really should take your pills now.” “Oh, okay.” Jessie got up and began looking for her handbag. “Oh, that’s right. I don’t even have a fucking purse or handbag anymore.” Then she realized she’d sworn, was almost stark naked, and that Maruja was holding her pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other. “Oh, sorry,” she said, covering her chest with her arms. “I understand,” said Maruja. “You get used to so many things and then one day they are gone.” Jessie uncovered her chest long enough to take the pills, aware of the doctor’s eyes upon her body. “I’ll try to remember to take my pills at the same time.” “Don’t worry about that. I’ll give them to you. That way you don’t have to risk accidentally messing up your doses, and it’s one less thing you have to worry about.” Normally, Jessie would protest anyone handling her affairs like that, especially someone she didn’t know well, doctor or not, but given the fact that she had enough going on to focus on, she appreciated the help. “Now,” said Maruja as Jessie handed the glass back to her, “every woman likes to go shopping, right?” Jessie nodded as she replaced her arms across her chest and said, “I don’t have much choice in my case. I’m a bit small for your clothes, after all.” “Well, get back into my dress one last time and we’ll go get some things once you’ve had a chance to freshen up and wake up a bit.” At Maruja's insistence, Jessie had some orange juice before they left for the store. Not long afterward, they pulled up in front of a pricey store that turned both her gratitude and guilt up a notch. She knew Maruja was doing this on her own and that no one was forcing her to clothe, feed, and house her, but still—it just seemed unnecessarily extravagant. Then again, the doctor had probably had money all her life and was used to pricey stores. “Wow,” Jessie said, “I thought we were going to go to Wal-Mart or something.” Maruja shook her head distastefully as if the thought of shopping in Wal-Mart actually disgusted her. Nearly an hour later, they were walking out with several tops, bottoms, dresses, skirts, shorts, sleepwear items, intimates, shoes, slippers, and a couple of swimsuits that probably cost more than most people earned in a month. The next stop was the grocery store, where they picked out some personal items for Jessie. The final stop was dinner at a fine restaurant. “It’s so quiet in here,” Jessie said. “Cal and I would seldom eat out, but when we did, we had to go really early or really late if we wanted any peace from unruly kids.” Maruja smiled and then said in her heavy accent, which might have been hard for Jessie to understand had she not studied other languages, “Get what you want, but I ask that you do not get any wine or other alcoholic beverages. It’s not good with the medication you take and all that.” “No problem. I’m not much of a drinker anyway.” Maruja ordered baked cod while Jessie chose the roasted chicken. As they ate, Jessie tried not to enjoy the soft, soothing lighting, the peacefulness, or the heavenly-tasting food. After all, Calvin couldn’t enjoy any of this, so why should she? Suddenly, she was aware of Maruja eyeing her intently. “Are you okay?” Jessie nodded. “It’s delicious. It’s just that… well…” Jessie tried hard not to cry. “I understand,” Maruja said sympathetically. “I feel a mix of things. I’m very grateful to you for your help, but at the same time, I feel guilty. Guilty of a lot of things. Guilty for surviving while Calvin didn’t. Guilty for all you’ve done for me.” Jessie's voice faltered as her efforts to hold back her tears failed. “It is only normal to feel these feelings,” the doctor assured her, cutting into her food. Her words seemed understanding, but she otherwise didn’t seem very concerned with her state of mind. Once again, Jessie wondered what was motivating her to help her out in the first place, and that too, only added to her sense of guilt and confusion. Maruja wiped her lips with her napkin, placed it down, and then looked at her with a mixture of worried sadness. “My whole world, gone in seconds,” Jessie went on. “I try not to dwell on it, but I can’t ignore it either.” “Well, of course you can’t,” Maruja said as if she’d said something silly. “It’s going to take time, but you will get better.” Jessie slowly shook her head doubtfully. After a moment or two of silence, she said, “The money should be in my account tomorrow.” “Don’t even think about it,” the doctor said, waving her off. “Just hang onto it. That way if you see something you like online, for example, you can just get what you want.” “Do you have a housekeeper?” Maruja frowned, caught off guard by the question. “No, ma’am, I don’t.” “Well, now you do,” Jessie insisted. “If you’re not going to let me pay you, at least let me keep house for you.” Maruja smiled widely, almost as if the suggestion was funny. “That actually would mean a lot more to me than money. I don’t mind making money, but I hate to clean. Yet I don’t want to trust my home to just anybody. So yes, you keep house for us and I will pay the bills.” Jessie noted the word us and how similar the arrangement was to the one she and Cal had had. Most people saw the idea of a homemaker as being both lazy and outdated, but it was something she was good at, so society’s views could go to hell and stay there. “Algo más?” Maruja asked. “Oh, no, nothing else. I’m fine. I’m stuffed, actually.” “You understood. Just how much Spanish do you know?” “Genug.” Maruja blinked. “What was that?” “I answered you. I said genug.” Maruja frowned skeptically. “Not in Spanish, you didn’t.” Jessie smiled. “Genug is German for enough, but the answer to your question in Spanish is suficiente. I could also tell you in Italian that I know abbastanza.” Maruja digested what she’d said, then asked, “Well, how many languages do you know?” “I’ve studied a few,” Jessie said as they slid out of their booth. They rode home in silence, and again Jessie tried to stifle the mixed emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. She would rather cry when she was alone. Jessie was exhausted when Maruja came to pick her up the following morning. Her mind just would not let her rest much the night before. Her thoughts danced between reasons to live and reasons to die. She was curious about Maruja—no doubt about that—but she still couldn’t imagine a life without Cal. If she chose death over life, however, she couldn’t do it where she was. She’d hate to put such a thing on the good doc, but she had to do what she had to do. Just what it was she was going to do, she did not yet know. She could only find that out when she was discharged. Maruja wore a short-sleeved, summery dress with a pretty floral pattern. Jessie was quick to note how slim and attractive her body was, though her face was another story. It wasn’t ugly, but it probably wasn’t considered very pretty by most people’s standards either. There was a hardness to it, but Jessie still found it pleasant enough. “How are you feeling this morning?” Maruja asked her. Jessie simply shrugged. She really didn’t know what to say. “Well, I’m sure you’ll like the smell of my house better than this place, and my cooking a lot better as well.” Jessie nodded and softly said, “Thanks for doing this.” “No problem. Since you don’t have anything to wear and I don’t yet know your size, I brought you a dress of mine that might be a bit roomy on you but should still fit since I’m not that much bigger than you.” “Oh, yeah, that’s right. Even my clothes are gone.” Jessie smiled appreciatively at the doctor but was miserable at the thought of losing her clothes on top of everything else. Maruja's eyes reflected an understanding of sorts. After the nurse wheeled her out of the hospital and to Maruja's waiting car, they were off. Jessie gazed at the passing scenery without taking it in. She felt dead inside. Maruja was quiet at first and respected her need for space, but after a while, she started chatting in hopes of igniting at least a slight spark of life within her. “So, are you hungry yet?” Jessie shook her head. “Breakfast must’ve been terrible, or at least pretty boring.” “Yeah,” Jessie said absently. “You live far from here?” “Oh, no, not at all. Just a few more minutes and we’ll be home.” Home. She hardly considered the good doc’s home to be home. Despite her grim state of mind, Jessie couldn’t help but admire the upscale neighborhood they soon entered. Most of the houses were ranch-style with well-manicured lawns. The homes and yards were sprinkled with expensive and tasteful décor. Maruja glanced over at her, noticing how she was studying the area intently. “Nice, huh?” Jessie nodded as they turned into the driveway of a yellow house with light blue trim and white shutters. The house was set back from the street about forty feet or so and the yard was simple. There weren’t many trees or shrubs—just a few hugging the sides of the house and that was basically it. There were no flowers or colorful things in sight except for a couple of wind chimes. The grass looked as if it had been recently mowed. Maruja reached for a remote and the garage door opened. Unlike the expensive but simple and comfortable car they rode in, an older, sportier car sat parked on the right side of the garage. “That old car is just a backup. My son uses it when he’s in town, but otherwise, it just sits there.” “Your son?” “Yes, Diego. He’s nineteen now and he’s studying to be a cancer specialist.” “That’s nice. Where is he studying?” “Up in San Francisco.” “So he wasn’t affected by the earthquake.” “No, thank God. Sometimes God is good.” “Yeah, real damn good,” Jessie said, not bothering to hide her sarcasm. Maruja gave her a look that was a cross between amusement and scornful. Almost as if to say, Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean, Miss Blunt and Outspoken. Jessie might’ve actually been a bit turned on if it weren’t for the circumstances at hand. “Really, if I hear one more thing about God, I’ll scream.” Maruja put the vehicle in park and killed the engine. “Can you get out okay?” Jessie nodded. “Good, because if I wait one more minute for breakfast, I’ll scream.” Another thing Jessie might’ve done under different circumstances was laugh. Maruja didn’t seem worried about her fragile state of mind and Jessie wondered if it was because she had more confidence in her than she felt, or if she simply didn’t care. And just what was in this whole arrangement for the doctor anyway? She still wondered this but wasn’t sure she should ask. At least not yet. Jessie slowly followed Maruja into the house. “Please shut the door behind you.” Jessie shut the door to the garage and followed the doctor’s brisk gait into the kitchen. “After we eat, I’ll show you around.” “We? Thanks, Doc, but I’m not hungry.” “We’ll see about that,” said Maruja in her heavy Venezuelan accent. “I make a mean omelet.” “How come you didn’t eat before you came to pick me up?” “Because I anticipated us eating together.” “That’s nice of you, and I’m sorry you put yourself out on account of me, but you didn’t have to do that.” “I know,” Maruja said matter-of-factly. The doctor eventually convinced her to try some of her bacon and cheese omelet, and she did. She couldn’t deny that it was good, too. After they ate, Maruja rinsed the dishes. “Want some help?” Jessie asked her. “No. I’m just going to place these in the dishwasher.” When Maruja was done, she showed her the house. It was surprisingly small and simple with just two bedrooms and two baths. “I thought all doctors had big houses.” “Not if they don’t need the space. It’s just me now.” “Are you divorced?” Maruja nodded. “Yes, ma’am. And now that my boy is gone, there isn’t much need for space.” “Ever get lonely?” she asked, surprised at her own curiosity and nosiness. Maruja shrugged. “I suppose I do at times.” “I’m sorry if I seem, well, too nosy or something like that.” “You’re not nosy. You are simply curious about the person whose home you are now living in.” “Living in or staying in?” “That is up to you.” “I’m supposed to kill myself, remember? But I won’t do it here and put that on you, so don’t worry.” “I will not worry because I do not think you will kill yourself.” “Why is that?” “You are asking too many questions, that’s why.” Jessie frowned. “Why does asking questions mean I’m not going to off myself?” Maruja smiled a smile Jessie wasn’t sure she could read as she folded an item of clothing on the foot of the made-up bed in the master bedroom. Was her question funny or something? “Why would you be curious if you were sure you were going to end it all? Why would you care?” “I don’t care about you.” This time, Maruja's smile was as obvious as the quick chuckle she let out. “I—I didn’t mean for it to come off that way. I…” Ignoring her, Maruja said, “Come. Follow me.” Jessie followed the doctor into the spare bedroom across the hall and yawned, suddenly realizing how tired she was. The room had a double bed while the master bedroom had a queen bed. Like the other room, there was a nightstand, a long dresser, and a tall dresser, only this room was done up in shades of blue and green instead of pink and purple. Maruja stopped in front of one of the dressers and said, “Here you will find deodorant, toothpaste, a toothbrush, a hairbrush, as well as some shampoo and other necessities. After you’ve had a nap, we can go to a store to get you some clothes and pick out the exact toiletry items that you prefer instead of just what’s here.” A wave of gratitude washed over Jessie that she couldn’t have pushed away if she wanted to. She gave a small smile and said, “Thank you.” The doctor nodded. “Get some rest. I’ll be just down the hall in the living room.” Just as she started to leave, she stopped and turned back. “Oh, wait. What do you usually sleep in?” “Just my panties, but I guess that’s not appropriate here.” “Why? It’s just us.” “Oh, okay. Then I just get undressed and get into bed?” “Yes, that would be the steps necessary for napping in the undies, if you don’t want to borrow a nightgown.” Jessie smiled and yawned again. Maruja left but didn’t close the door. Jessie took off Maruja's dress and placed it on the dresser. Then she removed the white bra someone had gotten her, leaving on the matching panties. Donations came in from various people and places in support of the survivors, but most of those donations consisted of cards, candy, and flowers as opposed to money and clothing. She guessed that Maruja or a member of the hospital staff had purchased the underwear for her. She quietly closed the door and then pulled the comforter down and slipped between the cool sheets. Much more comfortable than the hospital bed. She closed her eyes but then opened them again after she heard a slow whooshing sound. Maruja had reopened the door. Obviously, the good doc felt more comfortable if she could peek in on her. Too tired to think of whether or not to actually live or die, Jessie promptly fell asleep. ________________________________________ “Jessie.” Jessie stirred in her sleep. “Oh, Jessieee…” Jessie moaned and then realized the voice calling to her was real and she really wasn’t dreaming. Her eyes flashed open with a start and she remembered she was in the much more comfortable spare bed of the good doctor’s and not the hospital. She gazed up into Maruja’s face. “I’m sorry to disturb you,” Maruja told her, “but you really should take your pills now.” “Oh, okay.” Jessie got up and began looking for her handbag. “Oh, that’s right. I don’t even have a fucking purse or handbag anymore.” Then she realized she’d sworn, was almost stark naked, and that Maruja was holding her pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other. “Oh, sorry,” she said, covering her chest with her arms. “I understand,” said Maruja. “You get used to so many things and then one day they are gone.” Jessie uncovered her chest long enough to take the pills, aware of the doctor’s eyes upon her body. “I’ll try to remember to take my pills at the same time.” “Don’t worry about that. I’ll give them to you. That way you don’t have to risk accidentally messing up your doses, and it’s one less thing you have to worry about.” Normally, Jessie would protest anyone handling her affairs like that, especially someone she didn’t know well, doctor or not, but given the fact that she had enough going on to focus on, she appreciated the help. “Now,” said Maruja as Jessie handed the glass back to her, “every woman likes to go shopping, right?” Jessie nodded as she replaced her arms across her chest and said, “I don’t have much choice in my case. I’m a bit small for your clothes, after all.” “Well, get back into my dress one last time and we’ll go get some things once you’ve had a chance to freshen up and wake up a bit.” At Maruja's insistence, Jessie had some orange juice before they left for the store. Not long afterward, they pulled up in front of a pricey store that turned both her gratitude and guilt up a notch. She knew Maruja was doing this on her own and that no one was forcing her to clothe, feed, and house her, but still—it just seemed unnecessarily extravagant. Then again, the doctor had probably had money all her life and was used to pricey stores. “Wow,” Jessie said, “I thought we were going to go to Wal-Mart or something.” Maruja shook her head distastefully as if the thought of shopping in Wal-Mart actually disgusted her. Nearly an hour later, they were walking out with several tops, bottoms, dresses, skirts, shorts, sleepwear items, intimates, shoes, slippers, and a couple of swimsuits that probably cost more than most people earned in a month. The next stop was the grocery store, where they picked out some personal items for Jessie. The final stop was dinner at a fine restaurant. “It’s so quiet in here,” Jessie said. “Cal and I would seldom eat out, but when we did, we had to go really early or really late if we wanted any peace from unruly kids.” Maruja smiled and then said in her heavy accent, which might have been hard for Jessie to understand had she not studied other languages, “Get what you want, but I ask that you do not get any wine or other alcoholic beverages. It’s not good with the medication you take and all that.” “No problem. I’m not much of a drinker anyway.” Maruja ordered baked cod while Jessie chose the roasted chicken. As they ate, Jessie tried not to enjoy the soft, soothing lighting, the peacefulness, or the heavenly-tasting food. After all, Calvin couldn’t enjoy any of this, so why should she? Suddenly, she was aware of Maruja eyeing her intently. “Are you okay?” Jessie nodded. “It’s delicious. It’s just that… well…” Jessie tried hard not to cry. “I understand,” Maruja said sympathetically. “I feel a mix of things. I’m very grateful to you for your help, but at the same time, I feel guilty. Guilty of a lot of things. Guilty for surviving while Calvin didn’t. Guilty for all you’ve done for me.” Jessie's voice faltered as her efforts to hold back her tears failed. “It is only normal to feel these feelings,” the doctor assured her, cutting into her food. Her words seemed understanding, but she otherwise didn’t seem very concerned with her state of mind. Once again, Jessie wondered what was motivating her to help her out in the first place, and that too, only added to her sense of guilt and confusion. Maruja wiped her lips with her napkin, placed it down, and then looked at her with a mixture of worried sadness. “My whole world, gone in seconds,” Jessie went on. “I try not to dwell on it, but I can’t ignore it either.” “Well, of course you can’t,” Maruja said as if she’d said something silly. “It’s going to take time, but you will get better.” Jessie slowly shook her head doubtfully. After a moment or two of silence, she said, “The money should be in my account tomorrow.” “Don’t even think about it,” the doctor said, waving her off. “Just hang onto it. That way if you see something you like online, for example, you can just get what you want.” “Do you have a housekeeper?” Maruja frowned, caught off guard by the question. “No, ma’am, I don’t.” “Well, now you do,” Jessie insisted. “If you’re not going to let me pay you, at least let me keep house for you.” Maruja smiled widely, almost as if the suggestion was funny. “That actually would mean a lot more to me than money. I don’t mind making money, but I hate to clean. Yet I don’t want to trust my home to just anybody. So yes, you keep house for us and I will pay the bills.” Jessie noted the word us and how similar the arrangement was to the one she and Cal had had. Most people saw the idea of a homemaker as being both lazy and outdated, but it was something she was good at, so society’s views could go to hell and stay there. “Algo más?” Maruja asked. “Oh, no, nothing else. I’m fine. I’m stuffed, actually.” “You understood. Just how much Spanish do you know?” “Genug.” Maruja blinked. “What was that?” “I answered you. I said genug.” Maruja frowned skeptically. “Not in Spanish, you didn’t.” Jessie smiled. “Genug is German for enough, but the answer to your question in Spanish is suficiente. I could also tell you in Italian that I know abbastanza.” Maruja digested what she’d said, then asked, “Well, how many languages do you know?” “I’ve studied a few,” Jessie said as they slid out of their booth. They rode home in silence, and again Jessie tried to stifle the mixed emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. She would rather cry when she was alone. Back at the house, she cried in the shower. It felt so good to get cleaned up and to shed some real tears. Then she brushed her hair and teeth and changed into one of her new sleep shirts with a cute bunny and heart design on it. The material was so soft and comfortable. Just seconds after she entered the bedroom, Maruja appeared. “Everything ok?” Jessie nodded. “This feels wonderful.” Maruja smiled and said, “You like cute, colorful things, huh?” Jessie nodded again. “I’ll still sleep in my undies if that’s ok.” “When it’s just you and me, wear whatever you do or don’t want to wear.” Jessie shyly followed Maruja across the hall and into her own bedroom, though she remained mostly in the doorway. “Since the bathroom you’re using only has a shower, you can come in here if you’d ever like to take a bath.” “Ok.” She watched as Maruja picked up a hairbrush from her dresser and began running it through her jet-black locks, which were a few inches below her shoulders. “Is it ok if I get back into bed? I’m pretty worn out still.” “Of course it’s ok,” Maruja said, almost as if she’d asked something foolish. “Thanks for everything.” “You’re very welcome. Give a yell if you need me, and don’t hesitate to wake me if I’m asleep. I’ll be just across the hall.” Once in bed, Jessie's tears came in torrents. About ten minutes later, her door opened and her light came on, even though she’d been sure to be as quiet as she could about it. “I’m sorry!” Jessie then wailed. “Come on,” Maruja said, making a swift gesture toward her with her arm. Jessie pulled herself up out of bed, not bothering to hide the sounds of her crying at that point, and walked over to the doctor, who was now clad in a thin, sleeveless nightgown that was both short and colorless. “I—I tried to turn it off, but every time I’d try to relax, my mind took me places I didn’t want to go.” Jessie openly wailed some more. “I know, I know,” the doctor said, patting her back and gently nudging her out of the room. “Come on.” They stepped across the hall and into Maruja's spacious and less stifling bedroom. “Here,” said Maruja, “you can have the side closest to the bathroom.” Too tired and emotional to protest, Jessie collapsed on the bed and fell into a deep sleep filled with nightmares. For the second time, Jessie awoke to the sound of Maruja calling her name. Only this time it was morning. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, surprised she’d slept so long and so soundly. “It is time to take your meds.” Jessie took the pills handed to her and drank them down with the glass of water on the nightstand before plopping her head back down on the pillow. “I’m going to be going into the office for a few hours,” Maruja continued. “Ok. I’ll be fine alone.” “You are not alone. My mother is here.” “Oh, you didn’t have to trouble her. Especially so early.” “It is not early either,” Maruja said, opening the blinds and letting the bright sunlight stream into the room. Jessie glanced at the clock, shocked to find it was already after 8:00. “My God, I really slept in, didn’t I?” “You needed to.” Jessie swung her legs over the side of the bed. Maruja tossed her robe in her direction. “Here. Hop across the hall and use the bathroom, and then get dressed. My mother does not speak much English, but I suspect you can communicate well enough for now in Spanish.” “Yeah, probably,” Jessie said, shrugging into her robe. “If you feel like you’re going to panic, call me at the number on the refrigerator.” “Why would I panic?” “Just don’t do anything stupid. That is all I ask.” “If I did, I wouldn’t do it here.” “Help yourself to whatever food you want and have a good day, Jessie. I will see you in the early to mid-afternoon.” “Hasta la vista, Doc.” Jessie wasn’t sure, but she thought the doctor was grinning as she turned to leave the room. Maruja's mother was pleasant enough, and yes, they could communicate for the most part, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was her depression. She missed her husband and her old life. Being bored with nothing to do didn’t help keep her from dwelling on these thoughts and emotions. She had been an avid blogger, sharing her personal thoughts and experiences on a daily basis, but until she could at least get a new smartphone or something like that, her online life would have to wait—and so would her sister, whom she would really like to contact again. She just didn’t want to ask yet another favor of Maruja by asking to use her phone to make the call, even if she felt certain she wouldn’t mind at all. Maruja was only gone for four hours, but it felt twice as long. Some of the time she watched TV in Spanish with a woman whose name she didn’t even know, and other times she quietly retreated to her room to have a good cry. Jessie could tell by the way Maruja looked at her that she knew she had been crying. Her eyes were probably all red and puffy. “You ok?” she asked in Spanish. Jessie nodded but kept her head lowered. After Maruja's mother left, Jessie said, “I hate to ask this after all you’ve done for me…” “Come tell me in here while I make myself comfortable.” Jessie followed the doctor’s swift gait down the hallway and into the master bedroom. “I would really like to contact my sister and get online, too. I was wondering if you could spot me the money for a smartphone and a keyboard. It’s much easier to type on a regular keyboard than on a phone.” The doctor began to unbutton her white blouse. “Well, can’t you just get a phone and a desktop computer or a laptop or tablet or whatever it is they call them these days?” “I could, yes, but that would cost more money. Could be half a grand or more for something decent.” “Ok,” the doctor said matter-of-factly. “We can go to the store this evening, and we’ll get what you feel suits your needs best.” Jessie breathed a sigh of relief. “You are too wonderful, Doc. I really, really appreciate it. I’ll get the money back to you as soon as I can log into my bank account and see what’s going on. Then again, I do have an ATM card. I just don’t remember the damn PIN.” “No worries.” Jessie couldn’t help but notice Maruja's body now that she was clad in just her bra and underwear. “Wow, I didn’t know you were in such good shape, Doc. Nice arm muscles.” Then Jessie felt herself blush. “Oh, my God, I’m sorry for being so forward like that.” Maruja smiled. “It’s ok. I like to keep in shape. I ride my bike and I swim whenever I can.” “Oh, yeah, that’s right. You’ve got a pool in back.” Maruja nodded as she pulled on a pair of tan shorts and a navy top. Such dull colors, in Jessie's opinion, yet they seemed to suit the doctor well. “Maybe after we shop, we can take a quick dip.” Jessie nodded. “They were never able to find Calvin’s remains,” she suddenly added. Maruja gazed at Jessie just as she burst out crying. “Oh, I don’t know if I can do this anymore! Fuck the computer. Fuck swimming. Fuck it all!” Maruja guided her out to the living room couch. “I don’t know…” Jessie stammered between sobs, “…if I can go on living another forty years or so. I just—I just can’t do it.” Maruja gently rubbed her back while she sat hunched over, face in her hands, elbows resting on her knees. She didn’t offer any comforting words but simply let Jessie sit and cry. After a while, she asked if she’d like anything to eat. Jessie shook her head. “Want to go to the store now, then?” Jessie nodded. “Yes, I guess so. I’ll pay you back as soon as I can and earn my keep by cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, and whatever.” “Don’t worry about it, but I didn’t know you cooked.” “I do. Pretty good at it, too.” “Well, maybe you should start that soon. It might not only take your mind off things but also get you eating more. If you lose much more weight, you will be too thin.” Jessie gazed down at herself. “It’s hard to believe I lost thirty pounds. Amazing what tragedy can do to you, huh?” Jessie stole a glance at the doctor. Maruja said nothing but continued to rub her back. Jessie looked around the room. “No computer of your own?” “No. Never really could get into the idea of them. I have internet access on my phone and I use the computer at work for medically related purposes, but that’s about it.” “Do you still have family in Venezuela that you keep in touch with?” “No. I have a very small family and they’re all over here now. I usually just call or text friends and family when I have something to tell them.” “How long have you lived in the US?” “For about fifteen years now.” Jessie considered asking additional questions but thought better of it. She didn’t want her curiosity to be mistaken for nosiness. “Have you lived in California all your life?” Jessie shook her head. “I’m from the east. Lived in New England till I was twenty, spent about twelve years in Arizona, which is where I met Cal, a few years up in Oregon, then we came down here about seven years ago.” “I see. I hate to rush you and would like to pick this conversation up again later on, but right now it is probably best that we go to the store before it gets too late.” Wiping a tear from her eye, Jessie said, “Ok.” At the store, Jessie could tell that Maruja was rather computer illiterate and said, “If it weren’t for my sad situation in life, I’d probably laugh at how little you know.” “Why?” asked Maruja. “I’ve got my resources when I need them.” It turned out that the electronics store they went to was having a major sale. Jessie was glad for this, though the laptop she chose still cost hundreds of dollars. Armed with the new laptop and a new smartphone, Jessie again thanked Maruja wholeheartedly, and they returned home where Jessie asked, “Where would be the best place for me to set this up?” “Mi casa es su casa now, so pick a spot.” Finding a spot on the desk in the corner of the living room that was most convenient, Jessie immediately got to work setting things up. “I see you’re quite the expert,” Maruja said. “I’ve had some experience.” Jessie first logged into her bank account. “The money is there now.” “Good.” “Are you sure you don’t want monthly payments, like rent or something?” “I’m sure,” Maruja said as she flipped through a magazine. “Cleaning and cooking are payment enough. Besides, I might come to actually like your company. You never know.” Next, Jessie contacted her closest friends and family and left a few updates on social sites as well as her blog. “Everything ok?” Jessie snorted in disgust. “The media still wants to do an interview with me and so far, the only way to badger me is online. I hope they don’t find out I’m here. I’d hate for you to have to be pestered by them as well.” “I wouldn’t worry about it. Hospitals aren’t allowed to give out certain information. Just be careful what you say online.” “Oh, I will,” Jessie assured her. “I will.” Maruja placed the magazine back on the coffee table. “I probably won’t hear back from my sister tonight. It’s getting late in the east.” “This is beautiful. I hate to admit it, but it is,” Jessie said as she glided through the water. The water temperature was perfect, as was the twilight air. There was still enough light to see Maruja. Jessie swam over to where she was hanging at the side of the pool, arms folded casually on the concrete decking that surrounded it. Maruja rested her chin upon her arms and tilted her head toward her. She had a relaxed and peaceful look about her. “I’m sorry that now that your son is gone and you’re divorced, I’m intruding upon your solitude.” “Who said I wanted solitude?” Jessie shrugged. “Well, what’s in it for you?” “What do you mean?” “Why did you take me? You’ve spent a fortune on me. I hope there was some kind of monetary compensation or another incentive in exchange for trying to get me back on my feet again.” “No, Jessie. There wasn’t,” Maruja said matter-of-factly. At first, Jessie was too surprised to say anything and she simply mouthed the word wow. Then she said, “I guess some people really don’t like being alone and there’s nothing wrong with that.” “I don’t mind being alone,” Maruja said, also in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. Jessie floated around quietly for a while as the night darkened around them, mind reeling from thought to thought. She was shocked that the doctor took her simply out of the goodness of her heart, but her own heart still ached madly for Calvin. “You ok?” Maruja asked her after a while. “Yeah, I guess. It’s just so hard to believe it’s over,” Jessie said, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice. “I’ll never go home. I’ll never see Calvin again. I’m alone now. Who will laugh with me? Who will comfort me in the night when something’s eating at me? Who will do things like swim with me?” she added, arm gesturing around the pool. Although Maruja didn’t say anything, she almost had a look as if to say, Gee, maybe I will, and Jessie almost felt foolish. Almost but not quite. She was too distraught to care fully. After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Maruja said, “No one can give you your old life back or replace your husband, Jessie. But someone might help give you a future if you’re willing to take it.” Jessie felt an immense tug of gratitude, swam over to Maruja, and hugged her. Maruja hugged her back, and Jessie once again burst into tears. “God, look at me, crying one minute, numb the next, then crying again.” Maruja smiled. “I’d be worried about you if you weren’t.” Then, “Ok, how about meds and showers now?” “Ok,” Jessie said, and swiftly swam toward the stairs. They entered the utility area just off the kitchen. “Let’s throw our suits and towels in the dryer, and then you can shower first.” Jessie stripped out of her pink bathing suit, but Maruja kept her black one on. Jessie wondered if she was shy or just waiting until it was her turn to shower.