Maruja's Desire

Part One She was lost somewhere in deep, dark waters. She was cold, and her heart was heavy with a sadness she’d never known before. Somewhere in the frigid, murky waters, her husband’s face shimmered brightly. She tried to push forward to get to him. She opened her mouth to call to him, but no sound emerged. Instead, he raised his hands and motioned for her not to come any closer, though it was not with alarm or concern. He actually seemed happy and content, and although there was no way to communicate within this plane between life and death, she somehow knew that he was telling her to stay behind and that she would be okay. As much as she tried to kick, scream, and fight, her efforts proved futile as her husband floated further and further away until all traces of him were gone from her view. She willed her own body to sink further down into the dark recesses of the water. She kept pushing downward, and downward still… willing her body to shut down and end her pain and suffering. She could not let herself float upwards. She refused to. She had to join her husband. Somehow, she just had to. There was no life for her without him. Even without her limitations and all the money in the world, he was her everything, and she couldn’t imagine life without him. When Doctor Maruja Dugar entered the hospital that evening to see a friend who had been injured in the recent earthquake that unexpectedly rocked southern California, the Venezuelan-born endocrinologist realized just how fortunate she was that her own home was spared. And her life. After she visited her friend, a woman whose home and husband had survived the vicious quake despite some physical damage, she ended up talking with a few doctors and nurses she was familiar with on the way out. And there she was again on the TV screen above them in the lounge area just outside the nurses’ station. “Is she still here?” the doctor asked. “The Regen woman? She’s a new patient of mine.” “Oh, wow, is she?” asked a robust-looking nurse. The doctor nodded. “I only saw her once. I take it her husband did not make it?” “No. Sadly, he didn’t. Neither did their house,” said the nurse. "They lost everything." One of the other doctors spoke up. “We’re trying to find a place for her once she wakes up from her coma and recovers enough to be discharged, but so far, not so good.” “Why is that?” asked Maruja. "I remember she said she didn’t have kids, but doesn’t she have additional family?” “Just a sister in Florida, and she’s not in any shape to take care of anyone. She’s got some health problems. The people she’s closest to are in other states and even overseas. I guess she pretty much kept to herself since coming to Cali and hasn’t made many connections in this neck of the woods.” Maruja shook her head sadly. “Well, someone will take her.” “If they don’t, she’ll probably have to go into some state-run facility—at least while she’s well enough not to be here but not ready to be on her own.” Maruja mulled the nurse’s words in her mind for a moment, then said, “I wonder how she would support herself if she lost her husband and everything they owned. She told me she wasn’t working. At least not outside of the house. Maybe whatever it was she was doing could support her.” One of the doctors sighed, shrugged, and said, “Who knows? The government will compensate them to a degree, and that’ll hold them for a while, but it’s sad. It really is. The whole thing is just so tragic. Whether or not these people have anyone they can turn to, they’ve lost so, so much. Their grief must be overwhelming in so many ways.” Murmured words of agreement flitted through the group, then Maruja asked, “So she’s not awake yet?” “No, but if she does come to,” said a tall, wiry doctor, “we’re adding as many names to our list of volunteers as we can. How about you, Doc? Would you take her if other housing wasn’t available at the moment?” Maruja blinked in surprise. This was definitely a question she hadn’t expected to be asked. “Uh, well, I... yes. I guess I could do that.” “Oh, good. We’ll keep that in mind,” said the other doctor. “It’s just not looking like we can place her in the area. Everyone with potential is simply too far away or has their own problems from what we’ve learned.” “What about her husband's family?” “According to the Regen woman’s sister, they hadn’t spoken in years.” The other doctors and nurses scattered off in different directions to take care of various duties, then the tall doctor asked Maruja if she’d like to see his patient. Maruja shrugged. “Sure.” She followed the doctor down the corridor, unsure if agreeing to take the woman was the right thing to do. She cared for the sick in offices and hospitals, not in her own home. The doctor cleared his throat and spoke. “Maybe if she hears someone speaking to her positively, it may help begin her recovery.” “Can she even hear anyone at all?” “You never know. Unfortunately, though, the sister doesn’t expect her to be very keen on the idea of going on alone when she does come to. I guess she and her husband were very close.” “Well,” said Maruja, “I don’t see how I can help. I’m just an Endo doc. But I can try.” “That would be nice if you could stop by whenever you visit your friend. How’s she doing anyway?” “She’s getting better. She has a fractured leg but is expected to make a full recovery. What’s the diagnosis on this one?” Maruja asked as they approached the hospital room. The doctor pulled a chart from the door and read from it, “Jessie Jamie Regen." The endocrinologist studied him intently. "Nice name.” He thumbed through some pages before continuing. “She has a slight skull fracture. Fortunately for her, the swelling went down on its own, and no surgery was required to drain any fluids, but she is in a coma.” “And the prognosis?” “She was in a fairly heavy coma, to begin with, and is now hovering between the light to medium zone. She should wake up relatively soon. Disorientation, headaches, confusion, sensitivity to light... those are some of the things she may experience for a while, but she should recover in time.” “Any memory loss to be expected?” “It’s too soon to say, but probably not. Things may initially be foggy, but in the end, I think they’ll be clear enough. With severe brain injuries, it’s easier to say what memories and abilities will likely be lost, but in her case, it may not be known for sure until she wakes up. It's doubtful, though, that she's lost anything major or that her personality will have changed much. She'll be depressed, of course, but not much else should change.” “How soon do you think it will be before she awakens?” “We’re hoping within a few days.” Maruja stared at Jessie from several feet away. She knew her patient was her own age of 40, but she sure didn’t look it. She looked to be around 30, and now, lying helpless in the hospital bed, she looked even younger. Jessie had been chubby and complained about her weight, which was part of the disease she had, but now she seemed almost frail. Her head was bandaged, and she had some facial bruises. An IV needle fed fluids into her arm. “Has she been given the levothyroxine she’s been prescribed?” “Yes, actually, she has. When we contacted the sister, we asked if she was on any medication that she was aware of, and she told us about that and the simvastatin.” “I prescribed 75 mcg of levothyroxine, I believe it was. I can double-check my records.” “Ok. I’m pretty sure that’s the dosage the sister gave us, too.” “I’ll verify the information and give you the name of her primary doctor.” “That would be great. Thank you, doctor. And for caring enough to jump in and help.” Maruja smiled hesitantly, wondering how she’d gotten herself into this situation. And then she slowly approached Jessie’s bedside, and things began to change. Something stirred within her. Something unfamiliar. She reached down and touched the woman’s forearm. It felt cold and lifeless. She studied her lush lashes that were so long they practically brushed her upper cheeks. She felt for Jessie’s helplessness and lack of support—something she wasn’t used to feeling, despite being a doctor. She’d always been able to remain professional, keeping her feelings in check and sticking to business. She turned to the other doctor and said, “Well, if I am going to take her, I will refer her to another doctor.” The awareness Jessie had fought so desperately to avoid was now clawing at her with fierce persistence. She refused to open her eyes. Just because her mind was reaching consciousness didn’t mean she had to acknowledge it, did it? She could still keep them closed to the world beyond, in which life as she had known it existed no more. She began to have conscious thoughts. She began to hear sounds outside her room. But she didn’t have to see, and she didn’t have to speak. She could just lie there and tune it all out, right? Wrong. Ignorance may be bliss, but she knew she couldn’t really lie there forever and play dead. She wished she were dead, but she wasn't, and the only way to actually get dead was to get up, get back on her feet, and then end her life as it should have ended, along with her husband's. Then she suddenly dared to open her eyelids. It wasn’t as simple as she thought it would be. They felt like bricks, and they fluttered open with much effort. Suddenly, she heard someone inhale sharply through their nose, as if they may have had a tickle in it or something. She assumed it was a member of the hospital staff. Then she heard more movement and a voice call her name. “No, no, no, no,” she began to murmur, shaking her bandaged head from side to side. “Jessie, you need to wake up now. It’s ok. You’re safe.” Almost as if they had a will of their own, her eyelids quickly snapped open, and she found herself staring straight into the intense, deep brown eyes of her endocrinologist. “Remember me?” asked the doctor. Her head quickly snapped in the other direction. She was now looking at a set of darkened windows. She glanced back at the doctor just as fast. The doctor stared down at her with a bit of a blank expression that was hard to read. Maybe there was a touch of concern emanating from her eyes as well as curiosity, but why was she there in the first place? Could it be that maybe her hypothyroidism had made her ill, and that the tragedy she thought had happened was only a dream? Just a nasty nightmare with no truth to it at all? No, it had happened. It was real. “What’s your name?” In a raspy voice, she said, “I know my name, I know your name, and I want to know what the hell's going on.” “I’m sorry,” the doctor said with a dubious expression that confirmed her worst fears had been anything but a nightmare. “I was over there,” Jessie said, nodding toward the corner of the room, confusion now taking over her once again. The doctor's eyes flitted for a second in the direction Jessie had motioned to. “What’s over there?” she asked. Jessie scrambled to clear her thoughts. “I-I don't know. I was over there, and I just didn't want to come back here.” “Oh,” said the doctor. “Listen to me, Jessie. You are here. And if you are here, then you cannot be there. Now, what’s my name?” “Dugar.” “Good,” the doctor said with a slight smile. “I will call the nurse and…” “I don’t like your first name at all. It rhymes with bruja.” The doctor blinked in surprise. Clearly, she hadn’t expected to be told her Spanish name rhymed with the Spanish word for witch. But before she could respond, a young blond-haired nurse with light eyes entered the room. “Well, hello there,” she said with professional cheer. “It’s nice to have you back again. How are you feeling?” “Cal! Where’s Cal?” Jessie suddenly began to scream frantically, even though deep down she knew the answer. Both the doctor and the nurse exchanged knowing glances, and then the nurse stepped forward. Placing a calming hand on her arm, she said, “I’m sorry, sweetie, but Calvin didn’t make it.” Despite knowing in her gut that Cal was no longer with her, the nurse actually coming out and verbally confirming it had a way of sending her over the edge. Jessie cried and wailed hysterically until she was given a sedative that knocked her out cold. She wished she could spend the rest of her life on that sedative. She wouldn’t want to live without Calvin, even with a nice home and all that money could possibly buy, but knowing that they’d lost everything except for the few hundred dollars they had in the bank only intensified her lack of desire to go on living tenfold. Gone was their home, their clothes, their personal items, their memories... their lives. She flitted in and out of wakefulness and caught bits and pieces of both the doctor and the nurse telling her that her sister would help as much as she could with her own disabilities, and that she would be placed somewhere until she could get on her feet, as would be the case with the other quake survivors as well. Meanwhile, Dr. Dugar would take her until then. Jessie heard their words, but she didn’t listen, and she didn’t care. But then she found herself curious about the doctor. Why had she stepped in to help her? Why would she take her in like that? The doctor just didn’t seem like the type to step in and help a patient beyond what she was licensed to treat. So why this and why her? Was she receiving a tempting sum of money? That didn't seem right either. Endocrinologists made a lot of money and weren’t exactly needy. Jessie decided they had probably asked all the doctors in the area to help out with displaced survivors, and that Dr. Dugar had simply recognized her name. Wouldn’t you rather help someone you’d at least met, if only once before? What made it all the more strange was that despite her devoted love for her precious Cal, Jessie had been a touch attracted to the doctor. She realized this after her initial office visit. Most people would probably consider the doctor rather ordinary-looking, but to Jessie, there was just something about her. Cal knew this, and he was okay with it. They both understood that no matter how devoted you may be to a person, people recognized attractive people as they came and went. “Doctor Dugar.” Maruja turned around and faced the nurse, who had quickly scurried up to her. “Yes?” “You were going to take Jessie Regen, correct?” “Yes, that is correct.” “You don’t have to take her if you don’t want to.” “Oh?” “We just got word on where she’ll be placed. They got things set up sooner than expected.” “Where?” “I’m not sure where it’s at, but they’ve designated a group of apartments which were recently built or something like that, and it’s been decided that that’s where those in need of housing will go. I guess the current survivor count is at four thousand, with just under a thousand not having any friends or relatives to go to. Anyway, you don’t need to take her when she's released unless you want to. I assume that with all your other duties, your plate is rather full and you'd like to pass on this one?” “No, I would like to take her still.” “Oh, really?” said the nurse, raising her eyebrows in surprise. She appeared to be pleased to hear this. “You sure you don’t mind?” “She’ll kill herself otherwise.” “Really? How do you know this? Did she tell you that?” “No. She didn't have to. Once you get to be my age, you learn a thing or two about reading people,” she told the young nurse. The nurse laughed. “Yeah, I suppose you do. But how do you know she might not harm herself with you?” “I don’t know that any more than I know if a meteorite is going to strike the earth, but I do believe she might be less likely to do so with me. If she's left alone, she has time to think, and that constant thinking can lead to depression, which can lead to even worse.” “Yeah, I know what you mean,” said the nurse. “In all honesty, I don’t know her. I know very little outside of her medical history until I speak to her sister tonight at the planned time. But something deep down within me—some kind of intuition—tells me she may need more care and less time alone. The only problem is that it is a question of time for me. I’m single now and working longer hours. I don’t want to leave her alone so long either, so I will have to make arrangements to shuffle things around a bit. It shouldn’t be too hard, but if it gets to be too much for either one of us, she can still be placed elsewhere. It’s not like there are no other alternatives.” “That’s very kind of you to care like that. She definitely seems anxious at the thought of being left alone. The nurses have had to reassure her that they’re never far away.” “Well, I hope to learn more this evening. I was just leaving and plan to contact her sister tonight, who lives in Florida. She is several years older and can probably tell me anything important that I may need to know.” Less than two hours later, Maruja was dialing Jessie’s sister. “Hello, Mrs. Barnes. This is Maruja Dugar. Your sister’s doctor told you I would be calling.” “Yes. Yes, he did, Doctor. Thank you for calling, and feel free to call me Jane.” “Ok, Jane, and I can be Maruja to you.” “Not sure I can say or even remember that one, but my sister studied Spanish, so she’ll have a better chance at the pronunciation.” Maruja chuckled and said, “Yeah, she told me so by informing me that she did not like the name because it rhymed with bruja, which means witch.” They both laughed, and Jane said, “Glad to know she’s regaining at least some of her sense of humor.” “I’m afraid that’s not quite the case just yet. She was actually rather frantic during the moments she was awake.” “Oh, that’s too bad. I guess it’s going to take some time. You’re talking about a huge loss she went through.” “Yes, we are.” The doctor went on to update Jane on her sister’s status and that she’d agreed to take her rather than let the government program place her. “I just thought it might be better this way, but if she would like to join the others wherever they’re to be set up, she can do that, too. What I was going to ask is if there’s anything important I should know about her that may help me be more helpful to her while she is with me. Like, what is the risk that she may self-harm? Do you know?” “My sister’s one of those lovable types who’s intelligent and has a great sense of humor, but if you’re one of those who doesn’t like the incessant chatter, then she wouldn’t make a very good houseguest.” “Oh,” Maruja said with a quick smile that no one could see. “The bad news… she has tried to kill herself before. I won’t kid you there.” “And when was this?” “Oh, many years ago.” “I see.” “Again, my sister’s smart. If she’s serious, she’s not going to say anything.” “Well, she definitely hasn’t said anything.” A moment of silence passed between the two, then Jane said, “I wish I could say something more comforting, but I know there are no guarantees. My sister’s a tough one, but this is huge. She’s been through hell before, but she’s never literally lost everything, including the person she loved most.” “I can’t imagine losing my home, possessions, and most of all my son.” “You have a son?” “Yes, he’s nineteen. He’s away in college.” The two made small talk a while longer, and Jane filled Maruja in on some of Jessie’s interests when it came to hobbies and foods. Jane said, “I’ll help in whatever way I can from a distance and will send as much money as I can since she doesn’t have much.” “Don’t worry about the money,” Maruja said in an assuring tone. “Well, I’m definitely more worried about her. She’s been so down, from what the doctors told me. As funny as it may sound, if Jes isn’t either laughing at something or pissed off at the unfairness of the world, she’s not herself. That’s just the way she is. Either everything’s funny, or everything’s infuriating.” “Oh, is that so?” Maruja asked with amusement. “Yeah, but that pretty much sums up how she is. For now, only time will tell what’s going to happen. If she’s willing to go with you—and I don’t see why she wouldn’t prefer one person in a house as opposed to many in a large building—then it’s up to you to decide if you still want her or not. I told you everything you need to know of importance, even if it may not seem like much. It’s up to her to fill in the details if she wants to. I don’t feel it’s my place to say much more if it isn’t pertinent to her immediate concerns, as I’m sure you’ll understand.” “Oh, I do. I do. Well, like you said. Only time will tell how things will go.” Maruja gave Jane her number and hung up, wondering if she was doing the right thing. “You already gave your word you would take her, so you’re not backing out now,” she told herself. No matter how many times Jessie fought to stay under, consciousness kept grabbing her and making her face her brand-new, totally empty life. There’s always suicide, she reminded herself. If I can just get to a place where I can do it right, then I need not suffer anymore. Jessie began to realize late that afternoon that the only way out of this world was to rise up and face it one last time. She couldn’t wish herself dead. She had to actually take the steps to make herself dead, and that wouldn’t come by lying in a hospital bed. She reached up and touched the large bump on the back-left side of her head now that the bandages had been removed. She tried to block Cal out of her mind because it hurt too much to think of him and all they’d lost. The time to think of him and the emptiness in her heart would come when she gained the freedom to join him. She gazed out the window as if in a trance. She was obviously not on a ground floor because she saw nothing but blue skies and a hint of a treetop in the lower right corner of the window. Just get out of here and get dead, she told herself. Cal or no Cal, you can’t go on. You haven’t worked outside of the house in centuries… You have no income… You have no life. The government compensation won’t last forever, even if you did want to live, and it could take time to receive anyway. Voices and movement sounded in the doorway, but Jessie didn’t care to look and see who it was. Then she heard her doctor’s voice as well as Dr. Dugar’s. Even though a part of her wondered what they were saying, she still didn’t turn her head in their direction until they stepped into the room and greeted her. Jessie half-listened as the doctor explained to her that she had a linear skull fracture as opposed to a depressed skull fracture, which meant that, since there was no bleeding in the brain vessels, her injury would heal on its own. Furthermore, she was free to be discharged and would be given a prescription painkiller for any headaches she might get. Her Endo doctor asked the hospital doctor, “So she might just get headaches at times?” The doctor nodded. “Some confusion may be present here and there as well, but that’s basically all I’d expect at this time.” “When can she be discharged?” “First thing in the morning,” the doctor said with a victorious smile, almost as if he was glad to be done with her. Maruja was a bit concerned with Jessie’s apparent indifference to the news of being discharged, but felt compelled, for reasons she couldn’t quite understand, to keep her word. She said she would let her stay with her, and let her stay with her, she would. “Take care, Ms. Regen,” the doctor told her, but Jessie barely nodded in response. “The nurse will check you out in the morning and provide you with all the info you need, including your prescription and follow-up appointment info.” The doctor shook her hand, now free of its IV needle, and left the room. Alone with Dr. Dugar now, Jessie gazed up into her eyes. “Now there’s a small step ahead,” said the doctor. “Getting out of here.” “Then what?” Jessie said, not bothering to hide the doubt and sarcasm in her voice. “I will do my best to see to it that your needs are met until—” “You can’t meet my needs. You can’t bring Cal back. I have nothing. I have no recent work history, very little money saved, very little anything. What’s the point? What’s the point of…” Now it was the doctor’s turn to cut her off. “Jessie, you can’t talk like that. If you do, they will lock you up. Is that what you really want?” “I don’t care what happens to me, and I don’t want to talk about it either,” Jessie said, knowing what ‘like that’ meant. “I just want to stop suffering in a world I can no longer live in. I can’t fend for myself as easily as most people, and…” “You will do your best.” “My best won’t be good enough. I’m older now. You know how it is these days as far as people’s attitude toward what it means to be a woman. If a woman doesn’t have a steady nine-to-five career, she’s a lazy waste product. So what if she takes care of the house and does what online work she can do?” “Don’t worry about what other people think. That’s not important.” “I can’t drive either. I have a driving phobia. Do you really want that living with you?” “Your husband obviously didn’t mind. Why should I?” “Cal was a true one-of-a-kind,” Jessie informed her with serious determination and clarity. “The only one that truly loved me as I am, shortcomings and all. He never tried to control or change me. He accepted me just the way I was. He loved my strengths, and he loved my weaknesses. Without him, I’d feel so lost and empty, even if I did have sufficient money.” “I understand your worries for the future, but as they say, you can’t get to the last step without taking the first step and all the other steps in between. You may not be looking forward to taking those steps, but giving up is no alternative or solution.” Jessie gazed intently into the doctor’s dark brown eyes. “Just give me one week, ok? Just one week. If that doesn’t work out, we’ll think of something else. Deal?” Reluctantly, Jessie nodded. Maruja lay in bed that night listening to the silence around her. The darkness that the room-darkening drapes provided was comforting. Sleep didn’t come easily that night because she was apprehensive about bringing Jessie home the following morning; at the same time, she was looking forward to it. She knew little about the woman with the long, luscious ruby curls and the smoky gray eyes. The only thing she knew, besides her medical history and what her sister had told her, was that she was liberal. She must be, considering the T-shirt she’d worn to her office in support of equality. Maruja, a naturally curious person, wondered what this meant. She’d been married to a man for fifteen years, so was Jessie simply a straight person who favored equality, or had she actually been with the same sex before her marriage to Calvin? She replayed what she could remember from their one and only office visit—the things they’d said, the way Jessie had looked… Jessie had looked good on the outside, but inside she’d felt overwhelmed after recently being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, as many patients often did. Maruja had assured her, though, that it was a common disease that could be managed. Maruja’s mind jumped back to the present. What if Jessie killed herself when she came to stay with her? No. She would not let herself think like that. She had to think positively for Jessie’s sake. Jessie didn’t believe in herself, so she had to be the one to believe. Or did she? That was another thing that baffled her. Why did Jessie suddenly matter so much? She barely knew the woman. Why should it be her responsibility to pull the girl back up and into the land of the living? Because you want that responsibility, she told herself. Admit it. You, the person who never wanted any more responsibility than what your son brought you, and what your ex brought you, and what your career brought you, now have a genuine interest in someone else’s life—even if that life is in shambles. That was another thing about the good doctor. She preferred to associate with others on her own level. Successful. Stable. Similar in personality. So then why was she interested in helping a woman who, by her own admission, had no life at all? A woman whose personality seemed just the opposite of hers. Where Maruja tended to be more on the serious side, Jessie seemed to possess more of a goofy, sarcastic side. She actually smiled to herself in the darkness when she remembered one particular part of their office visit. Maruja had asked her to hold out her hands in front of her so she could check for any signs of her medication making her tremble. “I did my nails this morning,” Jessie suddenly informed her, nodding toward her freshly polished hot pink nails. The comment had caught her off guard but had made her smile nonetheless—something many felt she needed to do more often. She pushed her doubts and worries aside and thought positive things about Jessie. She smiled again.