Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Edelgard rolled over and opened her eyes. Everything was still dark? How? She hadn't had any nightmares to wake her up early--   She sat up and looked around the room, brows furrowing when she realised the curtains had been drawn. Hubert was sitting at the desk with one small candle lit, obviously doing paperwork. She got up and pulled the curtains back, revealing it was broad daylight. "Hubert! We should've been in court by now!" She couldn't believe he'd done this. She went to her closet to start getting ready, but he stood up and rested a hand on her shoulder, making her look up at him.   "My-- Edelgard, you clearly needed the rest. You're normally the type to wake when the other person in your bed so much as stirs, but you were dead asleep when I got up. You clearly need the rest. I already told Her Eminence to take care of court for today. It'll be fine in her capable hands." His tone was soft and she sighed. She hadn't realised she'd been so deeply asleep. If she hadn't even felt him move, then she had been dead asleep. She often woke multiple times during the night when the other person so much as shifted.  Yet she hadn't woken even once the previous night.   She held back a yawn. And apparently she was still exhausted... The anxiety from everything was really wearing her down.   Hubert wrapped his arms around her, tucking them into the small of her back. "You could clearly use some more sleep. Would you rather me join you again?"   She nodded, resting her head against his chest. "Yeah..." She didn't feel safe when she slept alone. She couldn't trust her own mind to not show her horrible images or to not replay the screams of her siblings. She could still hear their tortured cries at times when she got too upset and reminded of those days or if she didn't have someone with her in her bed at night. She hadn't been this tired in quite a few years. She'd barely slept for the week before her coronation.   Hubert took one of her hands and led her back to the bed. He was still in his night clothes, clearly not having planned on going to court for the day. She was just so exhausted... She felt bad for skipping out on a second day of court this week. She tried to keep it to just a few days a month. But with everything going on, it was taking a severe toll on her physical health. She frowned and looked at Hubert as a thought struck her. "Honestly... I wonder if maybe we should just go to one of the Imperial vacation homes and call it our honeymoon." It would probably help decrease her stress to not have court and all of the other stuff hanging over her head.   "That...actually is a good idea. We'll have to talk to Her Eminence about it after she's let out of court for the day. It will put our current plans on hold but...it would also give you some freedom." That made her breath catch in her throat. Freedom. She'd longed for it for so long. Even if it was just sitting and reading all day or practicing combat or... Just doing what she wanted to. She hadn't had that in so long. She would probably be missing a lot of court with all of this added stress on her anyway. It would be short notice, but it felt like a good idea.   "All right." She felt him kiss her head and she closed her eyes. Without any further prompting, she fell asleep again, tucked closely up against Hubert.   ☆     A sudden jostling forced Edelgard awake and she looked around, seeing Hubert laying next to her. "It's getting a bit late in the day; it's already three. We should probably get something to eat." She sat up and yawned, but nodded. She knew that she needed to eat at least one meal that day. She felt bad for keeping him from eating his usual meals. But it wasn't like she could control how much sleep her body wanted...and needed.  He flagged down a servant and told them to get a meal for them. After that, he sat back down and pulled her into his lap, stroking her hair. "You deserve a bit of freedom, my-- Edelgard. You've been under far too much stress. This isn't healthy especially for you. So, yes, a honeymoon probably would be good."   She frowned though. "But if I need counsel on anything, it isn't exactly like I can take Mother Juliane with me... She needs to keep court in check." She was the one Edelgard trusted most when it came to the intimacy aspects. Granted, she still didn't feel entirely right talking to somebody about it. But if she could trust anybody with it, it was Juliane.   "Would you trust any of the other Imperial women with it?" Edelgard frowned at that. Juliane had mentioned asking Katinka, but she knew the woman didn't have quite as much tact as Juliane did. She wouldn't handle Edelgard's sensitivities quite as well. She wasn't a bad woman; she was just very rough around the edges. She preferred to keep things blunt and short when possible. That was just a recipe for disaster when it came to Edelgard and how easily flustered and stressed out she could become.   "Maybe I could talk to Mother Augusta about it..." She bit her lip. She wasn't especially close to Augusta, so talking to her about these things would feel even more flustering than talking to Juliane about it. But she was able to be tactful and careful with her wording. She was an active participant in court now and Edelgard knew she wasn't someone to cross. She was about as feared as Juliane was. But she had seen the woman be extremely tactful in wording during court and handled some of the more sensitive members well.   "Would you like to visit her after we eat then?" Edelgard nodded. It was probably for the best. Though she wasn't sure if she'd be in court or not today. Without Edelgard there, she probably would be, but there was no telling. She was in and out on her own whims. Musch to the relief of the advisers.   The servant brought the tray of food to them a while later and they ate quickly, Edelgard running a brush through her hair to look at least halfway presentable. She didn't even think about anything as she changed in front of her closet quickly, smoothing down any wrinkles in her dress. She turned around to speak to Hubert and found herself quickly turning back around with a modified sound making it out of her throat.   Oh Divine.   She'd seen him fully nude without thinking.   After a few minutes, though, she did hear him chuckle and he wrapped his arms around her. "My-- Edelgard, there's nothing to be worried about. That is what we're working toward, right?"   She nodded and tried to say something, but the only thing that managed to come out was a sound like a mewling kitten. Now she was even more mortified. She couldn't believe she hadn't thought about any of that! She was so anxious about it that she had gone out of her way to avoid looking at him too much in the bath then she'd gone and turned around, only to see what she'd been attempting to avoid this whole time!   He kissed her head again. "It's all right; I promise. It was an accident. Plus, again, this is what we're working toward, right? There's nothing to worry about." He gave her a gentle squeeze. She nodded and managed to look up at him despite her face which she could tell was aflame.   "I...just wasn't expecting it... I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I wasn't thinking about what I might see..." Her voice was small. She hated that she'd looked without permission of any sort. But...it probably was just bound to happen when they were both changing in the same room. She seriously had just been so wrapped up in going to talk to Augusta that she hadn't thought about anything.   "I'm not upset with you." He rubbed her arm and she leaned against him. Accidents did happen, so it was probably just prone to happen when they were changing in the same room. Still, she couldn't believe that happened. It was a complete mess. She was a complete mess. But she needed to go talk with Augusta. She pulled away from Hubert and looked up at him, though she took one of his hands. "Going to go talk to her despite your upset?"   She nodded. "Yeah. Let's go." Even though she was incredibly flustered, she had to push forward. She couldn't stop for something as simple as accidentally seeing Hubert full frontal. He once again offered his arm to her and she wrapped her arms around it. They made the short walk to Augusta's room and Edelgard knocked on the door.   The purple-haired woman opened the door and tilted her head. "El? Hubert? Can I do something to help you?"   "Can we come in for a few minutes?" She really didn't want to be overheard talking about this in the hallway. Only the most trusted servants were allowed in the royal family wing, but still. She felt like she'd die if she was overheard.   Augusta ushered them into her room which was noticeably smaller than either the Emperor or Empress' rooms, but it were still of a decent size. "What is it?"   Edelgard felt her cheeks heat up again and she looked down. This was mortifying. She was so flustered about all of this. It felt weird to need counsel from others on something so private. But with her anxiety, having somebody to talk to just in case something happened was good. She explained the situation to the woman then hesitated before asking. "Would you be okay acting as counsel for me if I need it...? Mother Juliane won't be able to go with us so..." She really hated all of this. But books could only offer so much. They could be guides, but there was no replacement for a human touch especially in a situation with her anxiety riding so high.   "I can't say I was expecting this, but no, I wouldn't mind acting as counsel if you need it. I know Juliane wouldn't be happy to leave you without any sort of support. I do think it is a good idea for you two to take time away to focus on this and each other in general. You don't need this sort of added stress when you're trying to overcome something that might traumatise you." Augusta smiled and wrapped her arms around Edelgard. Edelgard smiled and returned to gesture.   "Thank you. I know we're not especially close but..."   "You're still a daughter to me regardless of how close we are or not." She was glad. She had never been particularly close to most of the Imperial women with how Anselma had tried to raise her kids by herself. But Juliane had kept pushing to have them involved with Edelgard's life. She wasn't like Helga's daughters where they'd been so separated she didn't even really see them as sisters, nor Helga as a mother. Augusta was still a kind woman and not somebody to cross in the slightest. She was glad that kindness extended to her despite the fact they weren't particularly close.   "Thank you. I appreciate it." She wouldn't have to be completely alone with this entire process. She would rather rely on Juliane. That woman was basically her mother for all intents and purposes aside from blood. She had been there for Edelgard shortly after she'd been released from the Crest experiments. She had owed Edelgard nothing, but she'd swooped in and taken her on as if she'd been her own child. She was forever grateful to Juliane for being there for her. She had no idea what would happen to her she hadn't been there.   "I'll start packing then. Though...which vacation home are you planning on going to?" That...was a good question. "Do you remember any of them?"   Edelgard shook her head. "No, not really. I remember going to the one on the coast, but that's it. And I'd rather avoid going near the water..." She shuddered a bit. She still hated the ocean. Ever since that night they'd gone fishing after dark, she'd feared the water. Seeing the ocean be so dark had terrified her. She wouldn't go out too much if they were near the water.   "You might enjoy being out near the Morgaine Ravine, El. You like being outside and there's a lot of space out there." Augusta smiled and Edelgard nodded.   "That might not be a bad idea." It wouldn't be that far away either. It wasn't like she'd be going out toward Hrym territory or even toward Gronder Field. Those would take close to a month of travel with how far they were. But going to the Morgaine Ravine would take maybe a week and a half at most. Plus, with it being so mountainous, there weren't a lot of people out that way. She would really enjoy getting to be out in the fresh air.   "Sounds like the plans are settled then. Honestly, I can probably get Juliane to skip out to talk to you for a minute." Augusta smiled.   "It's fine; court will let out in a few hours." She returned the smile and Augusta nodded. With that done, she and Hubert headed back to his room and she sat down on the edge of the bed. This was all such a mess. She hated all of it. She didn't want this but she had no other choice in the matter. She really did need to end up pregnant in the next year or two to make the advisers happy.   Hubert sat next to her and pulled her into his arms and she rested her head against his chest. "You'll get freedom for a while. Aren't you happy?"   "I mean... Yeah, in that regard, I am. But the reason for it..." She shuddered. She knew there was no real way around her anxiety other than to really take it head on. The travel probably wouldn't do her any favors, but if she got to ride a bit on the way out instead of just be in a carriage. She would save that for bad weather days, but otherwise, she'd ride. It would really take her mind off of all of this. She really missed the freedom that came from that first falconry season she'd had. She had never felt so free. Simply being able to roam and ramble around the Adrestian countryside... It was amazing. And she'd at least get to do that again while out by the Ravine...   "We'll get through this; I promise." He kissed her head and she nodded. "For tonight though... Let's not worry about it. We can probably leave in the morning."   "Okay." That would honestly make her feel a lot better. It was pausing things, but at least it wasn't stopping any major progress they'd made. It had only been one night and one encounter. The only real progress they'd made was she hadn't practically died from the anxiety. She hoped her mind would hold onto that for when they started again.   "Until Her Eminence gets out of meetings, how about we go ride a bit?" She looked up at him and nodded. She didn't want to just sit here and stew in her anxiety. It wouldn't do her any favors. So she changed into something more amenable for riding, trousers and a short-sleeved shirt, and headed out with him. They spent the next few hours riding around the trails near the castle. It wasn't much, but it was at least enough to get her mind off of everything. Well. Mostly. She still couldn't completely turn off her anxiety about everything, but it was better than just sitting around and mulling over what the future held for them.   Once it hit about six, they headed back inside where they met up with Juliane. They quickly discussed things with her and she nodded, agreeing that it would be a good idea. She'd get everything set up and they could leave not the next morning, but the one following that. The woman did look at Hubert in a way that told him he was dismissed and he stepped out of the room. She wrapped her arms around Edelgard, pulling her close. "I know you're afraid, El, and I'm not saying you can't be. Your emotions are valid. You have every right to be uneasy. But you at least have a partner that cares about you and is willing to listen to you. Hopefully, in due time, you'll see how wonderful being intimate can be."   Edelgard sighed and closed her eyes. "I don't know if I'll ever reach that point. For now...it's just purely for business. There's no love there." She knew Juliane and her father had been deeply, madly in love. Juliane had too much love to not care about her father. This...was purely a business transaction to see her through to having children to continue the Hresvelg line. She doubted that she would want to do it outside of this. She had read the first book and it told her about how good it could feel but...she wasn't sure what approach Hubert would take once they actually got there. They'd work it all out beforehand, but for now, that was quite a ways in the future.   "For now, though, I'll work at making sure your wedding is set up without a hitch. How about a year from now? That will give you two plenty of time. You won't be rushing to get back here in just a few months. Take as much time as you need, okay? I'll take care of the court while you deal with this."   Edelgard breathed a sigh of relief and nodded. "Okay." A year. She could do that. She might even be pregnant by that point... She couldn't be sure if she would be or not, but maybe. They would have plenty of time. If it was set for three or even six months from now, they might be rushing to get back and set back what progress they'd made. This gave them plenty of time to work things out.   Juliane kissed her head again and patted her shoulder. "Have fun on your honeymoon." Edelgard could tell she was dismissed and headed back to the Emperor's room. Hubert had already changed into his night clothes and she followed his lead. It was just a simple, white nightgown but it was comfortable. He settled on the bed and she snuggled in to him, though she did grab one of the books to start reading it. Eventually, though, night fell and she yawned. She put the book on the nightstand and they curled up in bed.