i'm finally me

Edelgard departed from the archery range after  her impromptu meeting with Claude. She still wasn't sure what to think of him.... He was obviously always looking at her and processing her movements and actions. She hadn't thought she'd given that much away in her talking with him, but sometimes people could be  incredibly good at reading even unconscious actions and reactions. She just hoped she hadn't given too much away. It was one thing with Dimitri when they were siblings, but for the unknown future leader of the Alliance, she felt uneasy at absolute best. She dropped her bow back off in her room then headed down to the school grounds, seeing Dimitri with an absolute giant of a man. Dimitri was already tall, but the man stood head and shoulders above even him. She had rarely ever seen anybody so tall before. Usually Dimitri was about as tall as the people around her tended to get. Even her own father wasn't quite as tall as Dimitri was... How could somebody be so utterly huge and not have issues? It boggled her mind that people could get around… However, she remembered Claude's words about Dimitri and caught a glance at her brother's eyes. She could see some sort of pain there and her heart went out to him. She walked over to him and rested a hand on his shoulder (he was sitting on a bench). "Are you okay?" As usual, her voice was pretty soft and she looked at him. For now, her attention was on him rather than the giant of a man who seemed to be tending to a rosebush. She hoped that Dimitri wasn't in too much pain... He seemed to have a great weight on his shoulder. She didn't know much about the Tragedy of Duscurr...but maybe it would be worth looking into more. She saw his eyes clear and focus on her, a warm smile crossing his face. "Oh, El, I'm fine. I was just a little lost in my thoughts is all." She really didn't believe that for some reason... He seemed to be burying his emotions when she caught him being off guard. She really wanted to help him, but she felt like she had to take her time with that... They were starting at square one again so she would have to be careful and take her time. But they were siblings so... It was hard. She was pulled in two different directions. "If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you, Dimitri. You don't need to hold everything in." She knew she was probably asking a lot but...they were siblings.... She wasn't trusting him enough to talk about her issues, but maybe in the future... She was here for him though. She hoped that he would trust her enough to talk to her one day. But this was only their third meeting and they weren't even a week into the school year. She just really wanted to make his life easier if at all possible. He didn't need to hold everything in. He at least had her to talk to now. Dimitri's warm smile remained on his face. "Thank you El; it means a lot." He paused. "Oh, right; I haven't introduced my dear friend. This is Dedue. He's a good man with a bit of a green thumb." He smiled at the massive mountain of man who had his back to her currently, but he turned around and faced them.   The giant nodded at Edelgard. "It's a pleasure, princess."   If she had to tilt her head to look up at the likes of Dimitri, Claude, and Hubert, she had to crane her head up to look at Dedue. She sighed a little and gave him a polite nod. He was way too tall for his own good. She really didn't like it when people were so much taller than her. He was probably close to two feet taller than her when she didn't have her heels on. Even so... He was massively taller than her. "Good evening, Dedue. I'm Edelgard von Hresvelg." Her tone was a little flatter than she would've liked. He was just so damn tall . Trying to make eye contact was really difficult when he seemed so much taller than her. She was trying but it was just so frustrating.   Dedue gave a bit of a nod. "Dedue's a quiet soul, but there are few more understanding or kind. He's the truest friend anyone could ask for," Dimitri said. She did notice a darkening to Dedue's cheeks.   "Your Highness, you're too kind. I'm simply here to watch out for you." Dimitri shot a glance at Edelgard. She didn't see the problem here. Having a good vassal could be difficult to find... Her father's vassals had turned on her and stripped power from him.   Edelgard managed a small smile. "You're like Hubert in that regard... Though he's a fair bit more, uh, terrifying." Yeah, Hubert was fairly terrifying for most people. She had long grown used to his presence since she really couldn't remember a time before him in her life. House Vestra did a lot of shadowy things and she didn't normally rely on him for that, but she still had him have to do things...like take care of Count Varley. Once she took over the Empire, the likes of Aegir and his ilk would not last for long. She really wasn't sure what to make of Ferdinand yet. She hadn't had substantial interaction with him. She just hoped he wouldn't be like his father... She wouldn't be able to stand if he saw things in the same way.   Dimitri chuckled. "Honestly, you're not far off."   "I'm not that bad Your Highness and Princess." She could tell he was a little off kilter due to his voice. It was subtle, but he sounded abashed. He seemed a bit stoic but she hoped he wasn't unkind. Dimitri said he wasn't, but she knew how kindness could cloak stuff like that...   "Well, a good vassal can be extremely hard to come by. Most vassals aren't actually loyal to the lords beyond monetary issues. So to have a good vassal that is loyal to you personally is a rarity..." Yeah, she was glad she had Hubert. She really wished the Seven had been loyal to her father, but that hadn't happened. She hoped she would inspire great loyalty in the lords once she took over, even with as inexperienced as she would be. But she would have Juliane, Augusta, and Karola behind her. Nobody would want to cross the Empress and few knew Augusta's true nature. The woman was not somebody to cross. The women of House Hresvelg were fierce and not to be trifled with.   Dedue gave a nod in agreement. "His Highness could use more friends."   Edelgard saw Dimitri flush faintly. "It's not as bad as you're making it sound like, Dedue. I trust each of my companions with my life. I couldn't ask for truer allies. Take Ingrid for example! She's a dear friend that is sworn to the Kingdom and crown completely! I'm truly blessed to have such loyal and stalwart companions." Edelgard wished she could say the same... The only ally she had right now really was Hubert. She didn't trust the likes of Ferdinand or anybody like that had shown up in the Black Eagles. Not yet, at least... Well, she knew she could trust Bernie because the girl was so terrified she wasn't the type to try to manipulate others for power. She delegated some of Bernie's care to Dorothea but that didn't mean she trusted Dorothea... "Ingrid, Felix, Slyvain, and I grew up as childhood friends. I could count on them if I ever found myself in dire straits."   She heard Dedue sigh. "Hm." Apparently something was off that either Dimitri was blind to or simply ignored. She wasn't sure what it was, though. She hadn't really had any interaction with any of the other Blue Lions yet. She'd been spending most of her time with Petra immediately after classes then a lot of her time was also spent with Bernie... "Your vassal and I are much more alike than I suspect any of us realise. Please convey my regards to Hubert."   "Well, there are some major differences that you could pick up on if you know anything about House Vestra..." Yeah, she wasn't demeaning Dedue. Dedue didn't see the type to do unsavory things like Hubert did. But still... There were a lot of similarities from what she could see. "But still, there do seem to be a few similarities. A loyal vassal can be difficult to come by." She hated the Seven so much. Especially Aegir and Hubert's father. House Vestra was sworn to protect House Hresvelg and Hubert's father had aided and abetted in not only stripping power from her father but also in the deaths of ten of the eleven royal children. Nobody could call themselves a loyal vassal if they treated their lordship like that.   She rested a hand on Dimitri's arm. "I'm here for you too." She was. She was here for Dimitri even if he was trying to block her out... She wasn't sure of that, but it felt like it. But, again, they did have to rebuild rapport. Siblings or not, that didn't instantly mean being trusting. Helga's daughters had been terrible and she didn't trust them in the slightest . She really hated that families could be torn apart by one person's self-centeredness... Like Anselma's...   She glanced at Dedue again before speaking to him directly. "If you're confused... I did spend time in the Kingdom as a child and met Dimitri then." She wasn't sure if she trusted him with the information they were step siblings quite yet. She really didn't know him. She wasn't telling the whole truth, but she wasn't lying either. She had only found out about the sibling thing a few days ago. Even so...he was the only one she had left . She didn't want to see him suffer if she could help him at all. People didn't have to suffer and hold everything in... She was here for him and hoped he would take her up on the offer to talk in due time. Dimitri smiled at her again and laid his hand over hers. "I suppose that does explain it. His Highness tends to cherish the people around him deeply, so I'm not surprised," Dedue said. "Unfortunately, it's been so long that I don't remember anything about it... But he did have my trust in the past at some point, so that counts for something." She wasn't fully trusting Dimitri, but since he was her brother... She has almost nothing but implicit trust for her siblings. The two exceptions had been Helga's daughters, but other than that, she had learned it was easy to trust her siblings... She still did need some time to fully warm up to Dimitri, but she did trust him more than anybody else at the Academy that wasn't Hubert. She still missed all of her blood siblings deeply. She could still remember running around the courtyards and halls with Alina and Leopold, the two youngest, then still having good times with her much older siblings. Tobias had often taken her down into the city... She missed him so much. Dimitri gave another small nod. "El, I'll be as patient as you need," he reaffirmed. "I feel bad because you remember and I don't..." She just... She felt pretty horrible about that, but it was the time the memory issues had started... She wasn't sure how closed they'd been or anything like that. Right now, it was mostly the fact they were step siblings that had her opened up to him. She wished desperately she could remember those days in the Kingdom despite how stressful they had obviously been. It seemed like her memory issues were some sort of stress response to fleeing Enbarr. But she just couldn't be sure due to how the church restricted information and progress. Dimitri shook her head and brushed her hand over her forearm. "It's all right, El; really. I knew that this might happen if I ever got the chance to see you again." He smiled at her warmly. She still felt cold inside and her gaze dropped down. She just felt bad... She had a brother and she could barely remember anything about him. It was so hard to recall anything after she'd left the middle of the night for Fhirdiad with Arundel... How could she not feel guilty over drawing a blank on somebody that was so important to her? It was awful. She felt like an awful person. She had no control over this, but if she'd kept up on rereading her journals from that period, she might still have vague recollections of that period. "We have time now after all, El, and even after graduating and being physically apart more, we can still be reconnected." "I guess that's true, but I still wish I had those memories..." What few memories she had left were so precious to her as long as they weren't painful. And to not remember somebody that had been a close friend at one time... Well, it really hurt. She hated how the memory issues affected her... Her life was almost one big blank after she'd left Enbarr in the middle of the night. She could recall information but actual events that had happened to her were few and far between. Even then, they were fuzzy at best. It was like being in a dense forest on a moonless night with fog everywhere. Seeing anything was basically impossible. Once in a while, though, something would pop up like smacking into a tree. She could remember some of her hunts and some other things, but they were so fuzzy. It was an awful way to live. He took her hand and acted as if she were made of glass again. "It'd be nice, but El, I'm not going to abandon you." She felt like he really should... She was unlovable in this state. How could anybody love someone that couldn't remember their important moments together? Their history? And for whoever she ended up with... She may very well not remember things like their wedding, the birth of their children, and more. She was broken and there was no way to recover the old Edelgard that had once been confident, assured, and friendly with everyone. She was broken and there was no hope of recovery for her. She didn't even remember what Dimitri was like as a boy… Edelgard nodded and gently rested her head against his arm. "I'm just sad I won't be able to retain most of the memories we make in the future." Nobody would want somebody that couldn't recall their important moments. She could vaguely recall things due to her journals, but it was like being in that foggy forest... Nobody would ever want a person like her... She would probably be forced to marry for political reasons soon after taking the throne. She wasn't sure if even Hubert would be able to prevent that. She was the last member of House Hresvelg, at least in the sense of the last one that could carry on the line. Her father might be more than capable of producing children again, but he was old and sickly. He would have to take on somebody only a few years older than Edelgard if he wanted to produce heirs again. But after losing so many, it was clear he didn't want to. Not that she blamed him in the slightest. Dimitri fully covered her hand with both of his. "Then we'll have to cherish the ones you do and make sure they're worth remembering." He smiled warmly at her again. It probably wouldn't take long for even the first month of the Academy to turn to ashes more or less. Even these precious moments with Dimitri would be lost. She couldn't even remember the good times with Ueli, Helen, and Annika much anymore. They remembered, but she didn't. It hurt so much to not have those shared memories with them. All she knew was that she was glad Evelin could fly freely again.   Edelgard looked up at him with an amused smile. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that was romantic, Dimitri." It was a very light tease. She knew he was just being himself, but that really did feel like something romantic... She had no real inclination toward romance herself, considering her lack of ability to be loved. But she knew she would have to find a partner at some point... If she didn't, then one would basically be assigned to her. She really hoped she wouldn't end up in a loveless arranged marriage though. That sounded like the worst possible thing in the world to her after having seen how much love could exist in a family.   She saw Dimitri's cheeks turn a brilliant shade of scarlet. "I'm so sorry if I, uh...made you uncomfortable." She could feel the embarrassment rolling off him in waves. If even that much of a tease could get him stammering, how much easier would he be to rile up? She wasn't much for teasing, but it could be a little fun once in a while as long as it was done in good humor. She wasn't demeaning him or anything. It was just if she didn't know any better, he could very well be going after her romantically.   She shook her head. "I was teasing, Dimitri. I know that wasn't your intent. Just be glad Hubert wasn't around to hear that one." Yeah, she could only imagine how Hubert would take hearing that one. That probably wouldn't have gone over too well. She did appreciate him and his protectiveness (especially after the Crest experiments) but sometimes he could go a little overboard. He had a very hair temper when it came to protecting her. She could hardly blame him but still...   His cheeks remained red as he nodded. "Despite the unintentional romantic connotations, I do mean it, El. The memories you do keep need to be something you can cherish and, if I can help, I want to."   "I hope I'll be able to retain some but...there are very few guarantees." She couldn't guarantee she would remember anything aside from the information even just a year or so after graduation. She would at least be working closely with the likes of Ferdinand and such especially once she removed their fathers from the picture... She really hoped the heirs to the Seven would be nothing like their fathers. She could at least guarantee that House Vestra would remain loyal to her no matter what. But she had yet to really interact with Ferdinand or anybody else. Bernie would need to take over House Varely someday, but for now, she'd be working with the girl's mother...   Dimitri nodded again. "I understand, El. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen." His voice was soft as he spoke. Her gaze dropped. She hoped it would. The few memories she had after leaving for Fhirdiad tended to be special to her...except for the experiments. Thankfully, that was mostly one large blank for her. She had vague impressions of what had happened, but that was about as far as it would go. But the couple of things she could remember from the experiments were horrible... She could still remember seeing one of her siblings die. It was so awful... And she had no way to cope with it in any sort of a healthy way.   Dimitri offered her a chance to lean against him and she took it. He wrapped his arm around her and she closed her eyes. It was so hard. She lived life without so much of her life. It was a strange way to live, but she had managed decently well despite everything. Or at least so she thought. The journals helped her maintain memories a lot better than without them. But still... She couldn't really remember anything past a certain point. It was so hard. Still, she didn't feel like she could push all of this on him. But she was glad that he was there for her. She really did thrive on physical affection. Most of her body had been so incredibly affectionate toward her and she missed all of it... Being away from Juliane was so incredibly difficult...   Still, he treated her as if she was made of glass. "You're worth the time, El."   She did look up at him. "Why do you treat me like you're going to break me?" Yeah, that was starting to get more than a little annoying. She wasn't glass. She wasn't going to break at a mere touch. She'd been through experiments which had torn her flesh asunder and left her in burning agony. Some nights had been so bad she couldn't get up off the cold, stone floor for days at a time... She had been robbed of all warmth for a year and a half...   "Sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel like I'm discrediting your strength. It's just... I have to be incredibly careful handling anything."   She heard Dedue chuckle and glanced over at him. "It's true. I've seen His Highness crush the hilt of more than one blade during training without thinking about it."   Dimitri flushed again. "...That has been known to happen, yes."   "And here I thought me using bows upwards of two hundred fifty pounds of draw strength for practice was impressive..." Her practice bows were probably some of the strongest on the continent. She doubted really anybody else at the school would really be able to handle her bows due to just how immensely powerful they were. She could crush small tones in her hand and wield axes that were a lot heavier than most people could even lift.. . She was immensely powerful in her own right despite her tiny size. She could lift more than even a lot of the most burly men she'd met. She'd been down in the city more than once and had helped move barrels full of rocks and the like that even clearly strong men were almost incapable of lifting...   Dimitri shook his head quickly. "Two hundred fifty is impressive, El. If anything, being this strong is a detrimental thing. I have to be cautious about everything I do. In my youth, my training regimen was to carry, lift and fling boulders. That sort of strength is monstrous and can cause so much harm..." He trailed off and she noticed his eyes go distant. She saw Dedue shift and his expression turned to one of worry. She couldn't help but worry about him herself. What ailed him so? She really wished he would talk to her... But she needed the time for them to fully warm up to each other before they could really talk about things... It was so frustrating when she wanted more of their relationship but they were still so far apart... Edelgard reached up and put a hand on his cheek, bumping her head under his chin to try to help him. She wasn't sure if it'd work or not but she was at least trying. "I see..." She hadn't thought anybody was capable of carrying boulders . She could crush small rocks with her bare hands, but there was no way she'd be able to carry full-sized boulders like that. Then again, she'd never really put her strength to a full test either. She didn't really care to try to figure out the upper limits of it. There was no point. She knew she could outmatch almost any man that had been doing hard labor his entire life. That was more than enough to overpower most people. She could outdo most people in battle when it came to brute strength.   She saw the darkest parts of his thoughts clear away and he looked down at her with a smile. He didn't pull away, though. "It does make handling things quite difficult at times. Sewing is extremely...challenging for me since the needles tend to snap as soon as I hold them."   "well if you ever need help with that, feel free to ask me. Like most other noble girls, I learned to sew and embroider. I don't do it as often as when I was a child, but I sometimes sit with Mother Juliane and still do it." The past few years had left her relatively unable to do anything she enjoyed... She missed needlework, so helping him if he had anything happen to his uniform or whatever would be welcome. She knew a lot of people saw it as busywork, but it was nice for her. She could still remember sitting with Anselma by the window as a child, sewing and embroidering various pieces of cloth. Her stitches had been messy and uneven, but they'd smallened and neatened with time. She could at least still do basics despite the lack of time to practice.   "I appreciate it, El. Truly. I just tend to snap the needles by accident when I try..." Well, she could relate to that somewhat.She could easily snap needles if she wanted to. Again, she had never tested the upper limits of her strength, but she could break small, delicate things if she wanted to. But she knew how to modulate her strength since she'd been given it later in life. She had played around with it plenty and had learned to control it through combat. She mostly kept it tucked away to be a trump card for her on the battlefield. She could easily cleave a man in two despite all the resistance bone provided...   "I don't mind helping you Dimitri. Really. If you have that much trouble with it…” They were siblings and they ought to help each other with things. She was probably being pushy, but she really didn't mind helping him. She wanted to be there for him. It was just getting that through his head, it seemed... She might have to ask Dedue about that later. She really didn't want him thinking he couldn't rely on her. Again, it was probably partially because they had to start at square one again. But still... She really did want to help him.   He kept a hand on her arm. "Thank you. I'll try to keep it in mind if something happens." He smiled at her again. She nodded. That was all she could really do. Remind him again and again that she was there for him until it got through his head. He didn't need to handle everything alone. She didn't necessarily trust others, but even she knew she needed to delegate duties to others. There was a reason there were people like Hubert around her. She simply could not handle ruling a kingdom by herself. She had to hand things off to others. Like she couldn't handle Bernie on her own, so she had to trust Dorothea to help keep Bernie eating and comfortable.   "All right." She smiled up at him, still resting her head against his arm. yeah, she had a feeling she was going to need to be kind of pushy when it came to him. It was kind of one thing with Hubert since she knew he dealt in secrets and lived in the shadows. But Dimitri didn't as far as she knew... It was kind of one thing when it came to her father. He didn't do too much, but that was because he'd had his power stripped from him unwillingly. She knew he would use it if given the chance. She would have to make things right following her ascension to the throne. She was aware of some of the failings of her father's policies and would have to grant more autonomy back to those houses he tried to take it from. But still...   Dimitri continued to gently run his hand over her forearm, holding her close as he did. She really wasn't sure what to say next, so she rested against him and closed her eyes. She tucked her arms against her chest and leaned against him while he pulled her into a full hug. It was so nice to be close to somebody like this again... She really missed being tucked up against Juliane when in court and when sleeping at night. She relied so heavily on physical affection. She couldn't imagine how it would be to be stuck in a loveless marriage. Juliane was getting on in years, so she wouldn't be around forever. Plus, her father was probably going to die in the next few years. There were already plans in motion to have her coronated soon after she graduated from Garreg Mach. She wasn't looking forward to the entire marriage bit though...   She stayed there with him for a while, but after a bit, she lightly ran her hand over his arm. "I should probably get back to my room..." She wasn't sure if he had anything else he wanted to discuss, but it didn't really seem like it. She really didn't mind spending time with him, of course, but yeah... She needed to get back to her room and write in her journal before Hubert got there. She couldn't miss too many days in a row or else those memories would be banished forever. Well, they'd probably be banished forever no matter what she did, but she at least tried to keep things in her mind as much as possible. She couldn't even much remember her early days with Ueli and Helen anymore...   Dimitri nodded after a moment and smiled again. "All right. I'll be around if you need me for anything."   "Same goes for you." She had his back and wouldn't let him forget it. She felt bad for being so pushy, but she was just getting the feeling that he wasn't going to let anybody in unless she did push... They were siblings . And they ought to have each other's backs... With that done, Edelgard headed back to her room. She settled into her nightly routine, once again missing Juliane. She was so used to having the woman within range at almost all times. It felt so...empty without her.