i'm finally me

The day had been long and exhausting for Edelgard. Dealing with Bernie was a bit tiring for her with as upset as the girl was. She didn't blame her after what she'd learned from Hubert about how Bernie had been treated by her father. Thankfully, Count Varely would be disappearing relatively shortly. She could not allow that man to continue to live especially as he had been involved in the Insurrection. Augusta and Juliane had told her about that when she'd been steadier on her feet following the Crest experiments. It allowed her to lay her plans to take over the Empire when she was old enough to handle it. Well, that would be soon enough… As she left Bernie's room, she diminished her presence a fair bit. It was a useful trick she had picked up in the years following the Crest experiments... She could basically just make herself almost invisible to people. It was useful when Hubert wasn't around (like now) to help keep herself safe from prying eyes. It was especially useful right now because her body language was not what a princess' should have been. She'd been sleeping incredibly poorly since leaving Juliane on the way from Enbarr. And now being pushed into this new environment as well as dealing with Bernie was stressful. Trying to cover up her memory issues from everyone around her was difficult… She didn't even notice a certain somebody approaching until she bumped into him. Her shoulders sagged, her head was bowed with gaze lowered, and arms wrapped around herself. Then she yawned widely, unable to hide that either. Dimitri stumbled half a step forward, obviously having been lost in his own thoughts while rambling the halls. He laid a hand on hers, his touch extremely soft and gentle. "El... You're absolutely exhausted. Can I help...?" His voice was quiet and his tone wavered a bit. Her cheeks flushed a bit at his offer and she shook her head. There really wasn't any way he could help... "Not without people talking in really bad ways..." She looked around and, thankfully, the hall was pretty much empty. People wouldn't notice her too much, but Dimitri would stand out like a giant. He was way too tall for his own good. She hated how much she had to crane her neck up in order to meet his eye. "I'm...used to staying with the Empress at night. It keeps the nightmares at bay... I...really can't sleep on my own without them bothering me." There was no way people wouldn't talk if they saw her slipping out of Dimitri's room. Or even Hubert's. There was no real way around this. She was trapped and the lack of sleep would only get worse... She hadn't slept properly in weeks with the travel from Enbarr to Garreg Mach. The last time she had properly slept was when she had last been with Juliane. This wasn't fun... She was so incredibly stressed by the possibility of anybody learning about her memory issues that wasn't Dimitri or Hubert... She was still a little wary to trust Dimitri with this stuff, as future head of the Kingdom... But he had earned her trust at one point in time, so that had to be worth something . Plus, they were siblings ... She couldn't keep him out when family meant so much to her. Dimitri stepped a bit closer and his expression softened even more. Once again, his intent of a hug was clear, but part of her screamed that it would only lead to horrible consequences if she opened up to him. It was hard to let go of those instincts while part of her wanted to be open to him as her brother. "I'm so sorry El..." He fell quiet for a few moments before looking back at her. "Hm... Well, do you have any female friends in the Black Eagles, or someone that you can support?" Edelgard frowned at that. There was Dorothea and Bernie, but there were issues with both of that... Plus, it wasn't like she trusted Dorothea in the slightest yet. They'd barely known each other a couple scant days at this point. There was no way she could trust somebody so quickly. "I guess there's Bernie... But I feel like that would be taking advantage of her in general... She's the type that's easily manipulated into saying yes to just about anything to avoid negative consequences..." Even so, she was future Empress of Adrestia. Past empresses had taken female consorts in the past too. It wasn't like there was a perfect solution to this. She just wished she could call Juliane here, but that'd only raise further questions. She couldn't take advantage of Bernie like that. She honestly wasn't sure where she herself fell along any sort of attraction or sexual lines... She had never had a crush on anybody before, mainly because she hadn't really interacted with people in her own age group before this. She might be attracted to men, she might be attracted to women... She wasn't sure. She'd mostly just stuck to her siblings for socialisation at a young age. With ten of them, there had been a fair few around her age group. Dimitri gave a small nod. "Well, until there's an Eagle you can entrust with this...I have a few stopgaps to help. Assuming you're okay with it." She saw the faintest dusting of pink in his cheeks and she rubbed the back of her neck. This really was so awkward. But it was the only way she could sleep. It was hard when the nightmares plagued her so constantly… "In all technicality, I do trust Hubert, but...I really feel like it'd be crossing a line in our relationship to ask him." She couldn't explain why. She could trust him with anything . But this just felt too far for some reason. The were friends and he was loyal to her. But, still, it just felt a bit too far for some reason. It was probably stupid. Like so many other things, she was probably just overthinking it and getting in her own way. It was kind of the obvious answer to her situation. It might not be perfect but it was currently the best solution she had long term while they were here at Garreg Mach. Dimitri shook his head. "I understand. My retainer, Dedue, I feel much the same about. I trust him implicitly, but there are some burdens I'd never ask him to carry. It'd be asking too much of him. I'm guess it's sort of the same for you and Hubert?" He took a few breaths before smiling at her warmly. "We got caught up discussing house business in one of the classrooms and didn't realise until dawn. I'll make sure you can get some rest tonight if you're willing." Edelgard shook her head. "I can trust him with absolutely anything . I've known Hubert since I was four . Aside from Fhirdiad and...what happened after, he's always been by my side. I send him on errands like now but..." There was a difference between a short errand and being apart for a long period of time. She just didn't feel like trudging all the way back to the kitchens with as exhausted as she was. Going back between the main monastery and the dorms was a trudge she didn't feel like making again. She'd already gone a few times that day. One extra time felt like it'd keel her over. But they'd have to make their way back to the main building with Dimitri's suggestions... Just what she wanted to do. She flushed a bit more but nodded. "I'll probably start falling asleep in class in the next day or two if I don't get any sleep..." She was fast approaching her absolute limit. She really was completely exhausted. She missed Juliane. Part of her really regretted coming to Garreg Mach in the first place... But it'd more or less been decided upon when she'd been twelve, so there was no turning back. She really shouldn't have been the first child of the Imperial line to attend, but none of her other siblings had… "Meet you in the Black Eagles classroom in half an hour then?" Dimitri carefully laid a hand on her shoulder, his movements as if she were made of glass. She could tell he was a gentle soul naturally, but why was he treating her as if she were made of glass? She really didn't get that. "All right. I'll tell Hubert to go to his room and not worry about me tonight. Goddess knows what he might do otherwise." Yeah, there was no telling what Hubert might want to do, step brother or not . There was absolutely no intent there for either of them. It probably wouldn't be super restful sleep, but something was better than nothing especially at this point. She was desperate to sleep. She didn't want the teachers getting on her case for falling asleep in class or behind on lessons because of it. It would not be a good look for the Imperial line if the heir apparent was falling asleep in class during the first few days . She really just wished it didn't come to this... It felt like something might have been able to do be done if Rhea hadn't stopped technological progress in its tracks... ☽ Half an hour later, Edelgard arrived back at the Black eagle's room. She opened the door and saw that Dimitri had shifted a few benches around with some padding on them. He offered her a smile. "It won't be the most comfortable bed, but it'll be better than hard wood." He took a seat next to the padding of blankets and then she settled down on them with his help. "I've dealt with worse." She could vaguely remember sleeping on the floor of the cell when she was in too much pain to move. It was freezing cold stone that drained the warmth from her body. She had only the barest wool blanket on her cot and even retrieving it some nights had proven too much. So she'd slept for days on the cold, barren stone. There was a reason she couldn't handle too much heat anymore... Being too active in Enbarr would sometimes see her passing out due to the sheer tropical heat. But she shook the thoughts aside and focused back on Dimitri. His face began to burn before he spoke though. "Ah, right... what sort of contact would help the most without being...too much...?" Her own face started to burn at the question. "I'm usually tucked right against her..." With how she'd tended to wake screaming in the early days, Juliane had just held her close to act as an anchor and that had just carried over into how they normally slept. She stayed tucked against Juliane as close as she possibly could. It was...comforting to have somebody sleep right up against her like that. Knowing she didn't have to stay the victim of her nightmares was a big comfort. It was always good to be waking up right next to somebody. She saw Dimitri's flush deepen but he did nod. "All right." He settled next to her and slipped one arm under to pull her against his chest, his arms loosely wrapped around her upper shoulders. "Sorry; I know I'm not exactly soft." She could definitely feel the reams of hardened muscles beneath his clothes. Juliane really didn't engage in combat of any sort aside from some basic self-defense, so she was definitely a soft woman. More comfortable than Dimitri to share a bed with, but she wasn't going to complain. She needed sleep tonight so she wasn't going to find fault with his offer. "It's all right... Mother Katinka was a lot like you... She grew up in Gillingr so she was pretty rough and tumble with a lot of muscle. She worked with the royal eagles a lot." Yeah, the eagles required a great deal of strength to deal with. Thankfully, Edelgard, while tiny, had her supernatural strength at this point even if she wasn't as muscled as others were. Her muscle mass had grown in the years since the Crest experiments too. Archery had been a big help in regaining that, though she also just worked out a lot. She was toned and defined though she wasn't anything like probably Dimitri who had obviously spent most of his life training. Dimtri nodded and ran a hand through her hair to which she slightly tilted her head into. "I'll admit I spent most of my youth training too. Felix, Sylvain, Ingrid, and I would spend a lot of time together in all sorts of exercises." He let out a sigh that sounded a bit hollow. "It also ended up with me getting into more trouble than I probably should have." He chuckled a bit. "Most of my training before things went sour came from Mother Katinka... My mother didn't really want me to learn combat, but she agreed to let me learn dagger for self-defense if something happened." Yeah, Anselma had been pretty strict with her. She had always been a tough love type of person when it came to Edelgard... She still loved her mother, but she could see flaws in her methodology of raising children. Still... All things considered, she hadn't turned out too bad. At least not in her own opinion. She could be soft and gentle a lot of the time which was definitely proving generally useful with Bernie… Dimitri nodded and chuckled faintly again. "You were more well behaved than I, then. In my youth, I was so determined to be a great and just knight that I kept overdoing things. I was hoping to live up to my father and mother's goddess." He paused before continuing. "Training in the mountains in the dead of winter? I may have done that a bit more than I should have." Again came the faint chuckle. She shook her head a little. "I can tolerate the cold better now than when I was in Fhirdiad—" That was one thing she could remember clearly. She had hated the cold while in Faerghus. "—but I still wouldn't do well training in the middle of winter. Let alone in the mountains." Unfortunately, Garreg Mach would get much colder than Enbarr, so she wasn't entirely looking forward to that. But still... She got overheated easily now due to spending so much time in the cold, dark dungeon. She knew there was a sauna somewhere on the monastery's grounds and nobody would be able to get into it. If a hot day in Enbarr could get her to pass out, how much worse would something that was focused on heat do to her? She would never go into that sauna. Dimitri chuckled again. "I'm glad. Not that I plan on taking you to the mountains in winter, of course, but there's a beauty to be seen if you ever get a chance to visit again." He started petting her hair again, still treating her as if she was made of glass. She fell quiet at that. She couldn't find beauty in life anymore Her father was in a bad state, she'd lost all of her siblings, sher worldview had been absolutely shattered at just fourteen... The world was a cruel, cold place. She still had written poetry in Faerghust but now... She had tried, but there was nothing beautiful left in the world to her. The closest anything came for her was watching Evelin hunt. The eagles and other raptors under Ueli's care were incredible. Seeing an eagle soar then stoop on a jackrabbit was absolutely enthralling. Though Even that was punctuated by a struggle with predator and prey... Death and blood were the order of the natural world unfortunately. Even the most beautiful and majestic of predators had to kill animals to survive. Death was an inextricable part of life. Nothing could escape the grip of death. It was hard, but she had come to terms with that when her siblings had died. She saw Dimitri wince. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." He continued running his hand through her hair. "It's not really your fault. After all I've suffered...there's not a lot to see beauty in anymore." She just, yeah... There was nothing that she even really drew pleasure from anything aside from falconry... And she wouldn't be able to do that for at least another year. Garreg Mach would be her home for the next year. Aside from Hubert, she was completely isolated from anybody that cared about her. She wouldn't be able to see Juliane, Augusta, or Karola, let alone her father. And she would ascend the throne once she returned from the monastery... It'd be even harder to find beauty when she was surrounded by the vipers that called themselves nobles. The likes of Duke Aegir wouldn't survive long under her rule... Those rat bastards that had stripped her father of his power would be put to the sword. Dimitri kept petting her head. "It all seems to taste of ash. It's unfair what happened to you, El." He let out breath, then bumped their foreheads together. "I won't give up on you." "Life is just sadly cruel and unfair." The start of everything had been when Anselma had been exiled. Until then, her life had been relatively happy. Not perfect as there were the likes of Helga and her daughters, then Anselma and Juliane butting heads, but it was still happy . Most of her mothers were kind to her and supported her. Her father had spoiled her rotten when she talked to him one on one. He spoiled all of his women and children...for good and for ill... She missed those days. Tobias sneaking her out of the palace to take her down to one of the premier chocolatiers in the city and letting her get whatever sweets she wanted... Anselma hadn't allowed her many sweets growing up, so she always took advantage of it when Tobias had done that for her. Her sweet tooth had waned in the years since she'd been a child, but, sometimes, she still over indulged when she got hankering. He held her close, still running a hand through her hair. "It can be. It often is." He let out a breath. "But if I can help end even some of that cruelty..." She noticed he started to blink more often...probably trying to keep tears at bay. "And if I can help improve yours, even a little... I will." He kept blinking for a few moments, but he stopped. She wasn't entirely sure what to say to that, so she nuzzled into his shoulder and closed her eyes. She was absolutely exhausted at this point and sleep would feel like a mercy . Thankfully, it didn't take too long for the world to fall into silence around her and darkness to fall over her like an eagle's wing. ☽ Eventually, she felt a gentle shaking. "Sorry to wake you. Dawn's approaching. Until someone catches us, though, we can use the excuse I offered." He smiled at her. She rubbed her eyes a little as he roused her, then she sat up. "It's okay... I would've been up at dawn anyway." The Empress was an early riser so she'd become one too. With the relatively even days and nights in Enbarr, it wasn't a huge deal. Though the shifting seasons in Garreg Mach would definitely throw her off... She wasn't used to more temperate climates and she could barely remember what it was like in Fhirdiad with its much shorter days and nights for the years she'd been there. She sighed and put a hand over her face as her brain immediately jumped to function. "I might just ask Hubert... There'll be rumors no matter what I do." Plus, he was the only person she trusted so implicitly. She felt like she'd be taking advantage of Bernie, there was no way in hell she was telling Dorothea about this, and it'd go so poorly if anybody found out about her and Dimitri... Neither of them needed rumors of the future Empress and King being involved sexually. Even though that wasn't what they were doing in the slightest . But people would never listen to reason so she really had no way to rely on Dimitri for this in the long run. She was pretty sure he wouldn't take advantage of her, but rumors would damn them if they tried. He gently hugged her and held her close. "The burdens of the crown. That being said, I don't mind helping you. You're important to me, Ell. That isn't going to change. If you need rest, I'll be here to help you find it." He smiled at her as he released her. He really did seem like a good, gentle soul... He was helping her as best he could despite everything working against them. "This really isn't a permanent solution unfortunately... The sooner I can find something more permanent, the better. And I trust Huber with everything ." He would never betray or hurt her if he could prevent it. There was really no way around the rumors no matter what she did. It was probably the most 'acceptable' set of rumors possible... It would still be scandalous in its own way if it ever got back to Enbarr. A vassal fornicating with their liege? Yeah, that still had scandal written all over it. There was really nothing she could do about any of this. She was damned if she did, damned if she didn't. "It was a stopgap for last night, yeah. I'd have to think a bit more to come up with a better solution for the long term. But if you want Hubert's aid, I won't begrudge you your choice." He smiled at her for a moment. "I just want to make sure you get the rest you need and be comfortable with it." She wished she was comfortable with this, but she really wasn't. It just felt like crossing some sort of line with Hubert. What that line was, she couldn't really define. It was just a feeling. They were friends, that was for sure. He was loyal to her. That was clear. But why she felt like it was crossing a line, she didn't know. It simply felt like it. And emotions weren't usually logical in the slightest. "There'll unfortunately be rumors no matter what so he's probably the most 'acceptable' one... I don't want to drag you into this and make you look bad to the people of Faerghus for consorting with the future Adrestian Empress." She shook her head. That would be completely unacceptable for both of them. Even if it wasn't what it appeared. But, no matter what, people would talk. She couldn't do that to Dimitri. They both needed to be able to have plates as clear as possible for when they took over their respective lands. She would already be inheriting a mess due to what the likes of Duke Aegir and even Hubert's father had done to her own father... It was disgusting and * none * of them would survive the purge she planned. The corruption of the nobles would hopefully come to and once she was done cleaning up the Empire. She really hoped that Ferdinand was nothing like this father… "How about this then: I'll work on a solution and, if it's one that's acceptable to you, you can use it. Otherwise, then you can approach Hubert?" His hand ran through her hair again. "I'll just ask him about it today. I slept but it wasn't well ." She'd been a bit restless. Thankfully, the nightmares hadn't bothered her, but the anxiety of the new environment and everything else had gotten to her. She wanted to go home to Enbarr... She wanted to go back to where everything was familiar and she didn't have to worry. She was so concerned about how Ferdinand would take things once she started her purge of the Empire's nobility. Varley wouldn't be an issue due to her having told Hubert to make him disappear. But all of the other nobles... She wasn't going to be a popular ruler among the nobility. That much was for sure. Dimitri nodded before giving her another brief hug. "Alright. But don't be afraid to ask me for anything, El; I'm here for you too." He smiled at her and took a few steps back. He really was sweet. She would still need time to warm to him fully, but he seemed like a good, kind, honest soul. Though she did vaguely remember something lurking beneath the surface... What could be haunting him so? "All right. Anyway, I should go get ready for the day, then check on Bernie." She had promised in the short note to come check on her and bring her breakfast. Unfortunately, they would have to get her into classes that day... There was nothing Edelgard could do about it. She still wasn't sure why Bernie was there from Dorothea's description of how she'd arrived. There was something greatly suspect about how Bernie had arrived at Garreg Mach... She sincerely wanted the girl to get better and start healing... Hopefully that would happen once she got word her father had disappeared and been found dead. "If I can help with your classmate too..." He rubbed the side of his neck as he rolled one shoulder. "I should get training myself." "All right. I'll see you later." With a polite bow, she excused herself then started back to her own room. Once there, she wrote down her journal entry for the previous day (she hadn't been able to the previous night with the sudden offer from Dimitri) and reviewed her pocketbook. After that, she started to get ready for the day. At least she had finally gotten some sleep and would be mostly functional again...