Chapter 9
July 2, 2026 at 10:50 AM
Levi returned to his room, realising how foolishly he had just acted. He himself was irresistibly drawn to Mikasa, but the moment he reached for her, he immediately had to push her away. Levi did not understand what had come over him, why he had kissed her while ignoring all the problems his new housemate was carrying.
He had probably frightened her with his intensity. And that stupid "may I?" kept echoing in his head. It was as if he had been asking permission from himself, and he did not like the answer. He simply was not allowed to get close to Mikasa. The sense that his own actions had been wrong pressed down on him, and Levi sank wearily onto the bed, diligently trying to calm his suddenly racing heart. So this was what it felt like to be alive.
The tightness in his trousers was beginning to subside, and Levi hoped Mikasa had not had time to notice anything.
It was stupid to run away from her like that, like a teenager who could not keep his feelings in check, but he did not want to explain anything or show his weaknesses. He definitely did not like that Mikasa had become his weak spot, the one who had stirred up feelings inside him that had long been buried.
He was well over thirty; there had been various women in his life, but he kept his feelings deep inside, not getting attached to anyone and not letting anyone get attached to him. He had always thought that someday the titans would get him, and all his attachments would turn into pain for someone else. And now the titans were gone, but Mikasa was here, so broken, needing help and support. And Levi had shamelessly taken advantage of that. Mikasa was reaching for him, and he did not know whether he had the right to reach back. Did she truly feel something, or was she only gratefully throwing herself around the neck of the first person who had helped her?
Levi shook his head. All these thoughts, all these memories of past petty affairs, were driving him mad. He remembered Petra, who had been head over heels in love with him. It had been so obvious that when she once tried to kiss him, he was not surprised at all and easily pushed her away. Levi respected and valued her. Perhaps he had even loved her. It did not matter now. She had become only a faint echo of the past. But Levi understood perfectly well that he had ignored her feelings until the very end, until her death. He had known that he only had to beckon, and Petra would be his. But he could not do it. She was devoted to him, and Levi would not have used her love. He remembered thinking that it would all end one day, and then, if Petra had not grown cold toward him, he could answer her feelings. He relieved tension with those who were only looking for quick pleasure; he did not need obligations or feelings. It was a pity Petra had disappeared from his life so early. Maybe then he would not now be tormenting Mikasa with his stupid feelings.
Levi now understood perfectly well what Petra had felt back then, when the person you liked was always nearby, but you were not allowed to touch them.
Where had these feelings in him come from? Just a few months ago, he and Mikasa had been nothing more than comrades. It was hard to imagine even a simple conversation between them. They never exchanged words except on business. But the more Levi thought about the past, the more he noticed little things about himself that he simply had not been ready to acknowledge back then. He had always treated Mikasa differently from the others. He had not understood why he covered for her, comforted her, reassured her. Back then, he had told himself there was simply no one else. No one else understood that she was not all-powerful. Now it was obvious that he had simply liked Mikasa. And the feelings that had suddenly surged up had finally found an outlet.
He had found Mikasa beautiful before. He had seen that he was not the only one who noticed, and he had not attached much importance to it. After all, an attractive appearance was not the only reason to become attached to a person. But the fact that he had been irritated by how Eren behaved, that Mikasa's self-sacrifice and her attempts to pull him out of any shit had gotten under his skin, all of it pointed to one thing. Levi could tell himself as much as he wanted that it had only been about not wanting to lose a strong soldier over stupidity, but he had given Petra complete freedom to act as she pleased. Even though she herself had been strong and clever. His long-standing fondness for Mikasa seemed more and more obvious. How had he ignored it for so long?
Levi forced himself to stop thinking about the past. Even then, he had decided that he did not need any feelings, that he did not give a damn about love. Everything that caused him pain remained beyond his consciousness. Levi processed only reality, trying not to regret anything.
He had stepped onto the slippery slope of attachment again and again; he still could not help loving people. Hange, Erwin. They were all dear to him, and losing them had been incredibly hard. Maybe that was why he had not allowed even the thought that he liked Mikasa. He simply had not wanted to let a new person into his heart, someone who would die and bring only more pain.
But they had survived. They had been left alone together. Death was no longer snapping at their heels, and Mikasa was opening her eyes, studying her new world without Eren.
Levi felt like a complete idiot. He and Mikasa could have become good friends, but he had ruined their relationship with his stupid kisses.
He collapsed onto the bed, covering his face with his hand. Complete darkness. Not even the dim evening light disturbed his eyes anymore. His relationship with Mikasa had become absurdly unclear, and he was sinking deeper into the abyss of his own weakness. Levi had always considered himself a level-headed and careful person. Like hell he was that now, when he had allowed himself to touch the one who had trusted him.
It would have been nice to rewind time and not let Mikasa help at all. The bandaging had been a terribly stupid trick. He could have handled everything himself. And Mikasa had probably understood that after helping him the first time. There was nothing Levi could not manage. But he had given in, and this was where it had led.
The thought flashed through his head that he had probably just been too long without a woman. He only needed to find someone and let off steam. But now that path was closed. Levi did not know what would happen if, after the kiss, Mikasa found out about his escapades. Would that not break her completely?
Levi turned onto his side. Why should he even care? They were not a couple, and they never had been. No one had promised anyone anything. He himself had not promised anything. Except to be there. And that had been his stupid mistake.
It was impossible to ignore his attraction to Mikasa; she was gentle and beautiful, and there was only one way out: tomorrow he would apologise and shove his stupid feelings far away. He should try to build a normal, friendly relationship. The kind that should exist between a former captain and his Scout. If only Mikasa would want to talk to him after all this. He really did not want to lose the trust that had been growing between them.
Levi tossed and turned in bed for a long time, tormented by his own thoughts. A short, restless sleep did not give him the pleasant feeling of rest that had gradually begun to seep into his mornings. He was irritated that such a small thing could throw him off balance. Squads that did not return home, the huge, terrifying maws of titans, were nothing compared to what he felt now, and yet after expeditions he could sleep like the dead, while now he had barely managed to close his eyes.
He decided he would not touch Mikasa anymore. He convinced himself of it. He was sure she had not liked the way he had pulled her to him. And yet Levi felt that he was lying to himself. He wanted much more, and his thoughts led him much further than he could allow.
Sleep brought no rest, and after a couple of hours of unpleasant dozing, he woke in a sweaty shirt, damp from the stuffy air in the room, feeling even worse than he had the evening before. Levi got out of bed and opened the window, letting the cool morning air into the room.
Contradictory thoughts tore at his mind. Letting the wind wash over him with cold, Levi slammed the wooden shutters. He needed to go downstairs and make breakfast.
The leftover milk came in handy. The hated oatmeal that had accompanied almost every army morning suddenly became much more appealing when Levi could afford milk and berries. And the milk was about to go sour, definitely no good for an omelet but perfect for porridge. They had run out of berries yesterday, and Levi had not been to the market. But he could add a little honey to the porridge. Not for himself. For Mikasa. He had noticed she liked sweets.
Levi immediately stopped himself at that thought. He should not memorise what she liked if he wanted to keep Mikasa at a distance. But as a peace offering, honey in the porridge might do.
Soon, the fragrant, steaming porridge was on the table. It was around seven o'clock, but the house was quiet. Mikasa did not seem like a sleepyhead, and in the army she had appeared for breakfast almost earlier than anyone, usually accompanied by the gluttonous Braus. However, she did not come down for breakfast. Levi was sure she was already awake. Only once had she gotten up later than him, and that day he had left for the city quite early. Maybe she had gotten up right after him then. But normally Mikasa came out for breakfast early, as always. Her absence worried him. Was she all right?
Levi tried to suppress those thoughts. What could happen to her when she lived in a warm, dry house? He should not even think about it. But, as if on purpose, he did. Maybe Mikasa had woken long ago, but yesterday's events had affected her so much that she simply could not bring herself to appear before Levi.
Curiosity got the better of him. He wanted to clarify their relationship here and now. Neither she nor he should be tormented. A whole night had passed in unpleasant reflection, and Levi did not want to spend another exactly the same. He got up from the table, went upstairs, and stopped at Mikasa's door, already about to knock. Something rustled in the room. She was definitely awake.
Levi froze in front of the door. Well, damn. He, the captain, a man with military composure, felt awkward knocking on the door. He suddenly felt like some kind of pervert lurking outside a room in his own house. And she was forced to live under the same roof with him. His hand reached for the wood on its own, his knuckles knocking before Levi mentally ordered himself not to do it. He should simply leave and wait for Mikasa to come out on her own, but he did not have time. For a moment, he was distracted by the smudges Mikasa had left yesterday, now visible in the morning light.
I need to wash the floors again, Levi thought with displeasure, lifting his head as the door opened a crack.
Mikasa slipped out of the room and met Levi with a sullen look. She said nothing, only hurried past him with jerky movements and went downstairs. The sound of her footsteps reached his thoughts, and Levi followed her down. Well, it was clear how displeased Mikasa really was.
Mikasa had not been able to close her eyes all that damned night and felt as if a herd of horses had galloped over her. Her body would not obey, as if it were made of wood, and her leaden head demanded that she return to bed, but what angered her most was the persistent knock on the door. What did Levi want from her now? Mikasa was angry that she had let herself be used so easily, and that afterward she had been pushed away again, like an unwanted thing, like a doll that could be forgotten on a shelf if the children no longer wanted to play with it. She was not alive; it would not hurt her; she would not be lonely. Right? But Mikasa was not a doll. And she was damn tired of everyone thinking of her as a soldier, as a killing machine. Mikasa was strong, she could handle anything. It was just that no one thought that inside that perfect machine beat the completely ordinary heart of a girl, one that felt pain just like any other.
How could the captain, after what he had done last night, simply come to her room like that? Mikasa was wearily angry. She understood that in his own house he could do whatever he pleased. Mikasa was the guest. She had accepted his rules when she agreed to live with the captain.
Maybe Levi was simply finally tired of living and was trying to provoke her so badly that she would strangle him with her own hands. A rather sophisticated way to kill himself. Mikasa might have given him credit for it if it had not concerned her own feelings. She had been played with for too long; she did not want to allow men to juggle her feelings like circus balls anymore.
Mikasa did not understand what had happened. The captain took care of her, helped her, gave her attention, and she had begun to like it. She had been ready to become his friend, had reached for him in response, and then the captain had suddenly kissed her. Although who was Mikasa trying to fool? It was useless to deceive herself. She had felt perfectly well where things were heading, preferring to write off Levi's touches as ordinary friendship. Although the captain had never allowed himself such liberties with her before.
A storm was raging inside her. She wanted to scream from the overwhelming feelings. Resentment, confusion, everything was tangled together. Besides, Mikasa had liked the feel of his thin lips on hers. Her heart beat wildly, a fine pulse echoing in her temples as she approached the table and sat down. It felt as if all the air had been knocked out of her lungs, and Mikasa inhaled through her mouth to check whether she could still breathe.
Mikasa knew that making a scene was pointless. And she had long outgrown that. She knew no tricks would force Levi to explain himself if he did not want to. And he was silent. Quietly scraping his spoon across the plate, putting warm porridge into his mouth, and not even looking at Mikasa. Was he ignoring her now? After he was the one who had kissed her?
She grew even angrier. Who did he take her for? The care and concern had been pleasant at first, but what was she supposed to do with all this now? She could have made porridge for breakfast herself, or something else just as simple. She no longer liked how much Levi was tying her to himself. And that kiss had meant her final defeat. Levi had pushed her away, not the other way around. She had trustingly waited for his warm hands, tender words, and all that romance the girls in the army and outside it chattered about. Mikasa would not make that mistake again. For a moment, she had wanted to feel like a woman, needed, helpless, and soft, but life had immediately reminded her who she really was, and that no one needed her tenderness with a heap of problems and grief besides.
Levi glanced at Mikasa from time to time. She had not even touched her now-cooling porridge. He needed to say something, but he was silent as always. Erwin would have found the right words, but Levi never found words for what was on his mind. He would probably only make it worse. Mikasa looked very angry. Probably because of the kiss. Levi felt something twinge in his chest. He had not thought such a reaction could throw him off balance.
Mikasa scooped up some porridge. Tasted it. It was delicious. Sweet, but not cloying. Just right for breakfast. It was nice that Levi had taken such care of her, but through the prism of last evening, she did not even want to thank him. And yet, her upbringing and old subordination took over. A "Thank you" hung in the air, crumpled, unformed, and quiet. She did not feel like eating.
"You're welcome," Levi replied, trying to soften his voice as much as possible. Mikasa looked at him coldly, as if hinting that Levi had better keep quiet. He had always liked that trait in her. She was not afraid of him, did not grovel like others. He felt that this girl would notice his mistakes and would not be afraid to tell him to his face. Even better, she would enjoy rubbing his nose in his blunders. Few allowed themselves such a thing, and yet Mikasa was always absolutely polite. It was impossible to find fault with her words, and that was more infuriating than insults. But Levi never lost his temper. He took note of her caustic remarks and was partly grateful for her courage. Only now, this sharpness was depressing. He did not want to ruin his relationship with the person he shared a house with.
Mikasa noisily pushed back her chair and took the plate with the uneaten porridge. The spoon scraped the edge with a clang and rattled as she threw it into the sink. Mikasa furiously scrubbed the plate under the noisy stream of water. She did not even notice that she was being much louder than usual. She was mired in her own thoughts.
"What's wrong?" came from behind her, and Mikasa stopped for a second. He dared to ask? From his tone, Levi seemed not to understand what had angered her.
Levi had hoped that a soft voice would help get her to talk a little, and that Mikasa would accept his apology much more calmly, but it seemed that with these words he had set himself on a powder keg and lit the fuse himself.
"Nothing," she muttered, barely restraining herself from screaming or bursting into tears right there. The latter would have been much more humiliating. Not now, even though a lump was rising in her throat.
"Did I offend you?"
Mikasa flinched. He was still asking?
She turned around sharply, waving her arms and what was in them, the porridge plate, splashing water everywhere.
"Do you really need to ask such stupid things? Of course..."
She couldn't finish. The plate slipped from her hands and shattered loudly on the floor.
"Dammit!" Mikasa exclaimed and, already forgetting about Levi and his stupid questions, rushed to collect the large fragments. Her hands were shaking, the wet pieces of plate slipping from her fingers. She felt ashamed about the broken plate. Mikasa did not notice when she cut her finger. Blood immediately welled from the stinging pad. A quiet cry, and Mikasa continued collecting the shards, throwing the remains into the trash.
Levi was immediately beside her. Mikasa was so absorbed in herself that she did not notice him at first.
"Let me see."
The soft voice sounded so calm and quiet that she involuntarily held out her hand, as if by command.
"It's nothing, just a cut," Mikasa added at once, remembering that she was still angry, letting him know that the outstretched hand meant nothing. The wound was very small, insignificant. In the heat of battle, she would not even have noticed such a scratch. The damned plate made her feel an unpleasant heat from the cut; small drops of blood were slowly dripping onto the floor, mixing with the water. How annoying.
Levi carefully took her hand in his and examined it. The cut was deep, but nothing serious. She had simply grabbed a shard badly. He let go of her hand and reached into the cupboard for the first-aid kit. It was still worth treating.
He dripped a little alcohol onto the cut, and Mikasa hissed. No matter how strong you were, no matter how much pain you had endured, burning alcohol on cuts caused the same reaction in everyone. Levi knew this well and remembered perfectly that sensation, as if the skin were being torn from the wound anew. He took Mikasa's palm again and carefully blew on the cut.
Mikasa shuddered. The coolness made it a little easier, but the goosebumps on her skin were clearly not from that. Levi wrapped her finger with a bandage, but did not let go of her hand.
Mikasa felt like a trapped animal, unable to escape a snare. She looked directly at Levi, but could not say rudely that she could have managed herself. His eyes were still watching hers, and Levi spoke:
"Sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have..."
What he should not have done, Mikasa did not let him finish saying. She tore her hand from his, proudly meeting the captain's displeased gaze.
"Yes, you shouldn't have!" Mikasa stepped away, leaning her hands on the kitchen counter, not knowing what to do with herself from resentment and the feeling that she had just been toyed with, that everything turned upside down inside her could be put right with a simple sorry. "Why play with my feelings? What am I supposed to think of it?"
Listening to her, Levi became more and more convinced that Mikasa was angry because of that damned kiss. He had only had to let his hands wander when he should not have. He had held back for so many years and then suddenly given in, offending Mikasa. He gave a short laugh. After all, the main thing was that he had asked for permission, but had not waited for an answer.
"I should have waited for you to refuse. I don't know why I couldn't restrain myself."
Levi felt truly stupid. Guilt suddenly washed over him, even though he had done many things he should be ashamed of. Much more terrible things. But such was his life: he did not feel guilt for many misdeeds, yet for an innocent kiss, he felt ashamed for some reason. Maybe because he had obtained it dishonestly? Although what other way could there be for a former killer, thief, and Captain of the Scout Regiment? No one had raised him in the best traditions of politeness, and this was what it had come to. Next to Mikasa that ill-fated evening, his brain had simply shut off, which almost never happened to him. Levi always thought first, then acted, but something, damn it, was going wrong again.
Mikasa stood with her mouth open, either from indignation or surprise. Levi could not understand her at all and only stood nearby, waiting for some continuation. According to the scenario in his head, Mikasa was supposed to call him something very unflattering and then lock herself in her room. Maybe they would make up after a while, but for now he should leave her alone. Levi had already promised himself that he would not touch Mikasa again for anything, unless it was necessary. To avoid temptation.
"You're such a fool," she suddenly said, confirming his guesses. But something did not add up. Her tone had suddenly warmed, her voice grown quieter. Out of old habit, he wanted to scold her for disrespect toward a superior, but Levi remained silent. He was not her captain anymore. And he fully deserved such words.
"It's not because of the..." Mikasa was clearly struggling to say the word and lowered her voice even further. "I'm not angry because of the kiss."
She gave a displeased look to the puzzled Levi.
"What made you think you could do that against my will?"
Levi suddenly agreed with her words about him being a complete fool. They had been thinking about completely different things.
It was true. The idea that an unwanted man could get close to Mikasa Ackerman sounded like the sort of nonsense newspapermen invented. Just remember that unlucky ladies' man from their corps, Jean, who had tried every way, by every possible means, to get her attention, but nothing had worked. It was as if Mikasa did not notice any of his advances, although everyone else could see he was bending over backward to impress her. How could Levi have so naively assumed he could somehow steal a kiss from Mikasa if she did not want it? She would have broken his nose before he could even get close to her face.
"You just left. And I don't know what to think..." Mikasa whispered, wrapping her arms around herself as if she had suddenly gotten cold.
It was as if Levi's eyes had been opened. Mikasa was not angry about the kiss. She was angry about the disregard for her. And she had every right to be. Levi quickly replayed the moment in his head, remembering that he had been thinking about doing something foolish and had not thought at all about what Mikasa was feeling. Of course she was angry, and of course she had managed to imagine plenty of things that did not correspond to reality.
"Anyway, I don't understand what came over me."
Levi felt that this kiss simply should not have happened. He had little idea of what was going on in Mikasa's soul. Maybe she still was not ready to even think about starting a relationship, about loving someone, and he had failed to restrain his impulse.
"I don't want to take away your ability to choose how to act around me, and I don't want this... incident to somehow influence what you think of me. We are still comrades from the battlefield. It was unfair to take advantage of your situation. It must still be difficult for you to accept everything that has happened."
Levi himself was surprised by how smoothly the words came out. He was not used to apologising, and even less to explaining his actions, but he understood that if he wanted to continue living beside Mikasa, he needed to explain himself.
Mikasa silently considered his words. This "incident," as the captain had put it, could not simply be forgotten. She did not want to distance herself again, to become merely comrades. But in one thing Levi was right: it was hard for her. It was very hard to recover from Eren's death, and she simply needed the captain. He would help her not drown in her own grief, as he had helped all this time, and Mikasa still believed that.
"Don't think for me," she said, studying the blue irises of the captain's eyes. "I don't understand how to act around you now, but I can definitely smash the face of anyone who tries to kiss me uninvited."
Levi understood the hint perfectly. He definitely would not be bothering her again. A shadow of doubt slipped into his thoughts. She had not been against it, after all. But Mikasa continued, and Levi again felt uncomfortable. Mikasa had long since ceased to be that arrogant, gloomy girl who snapped and argued with him over every insignificant trifle. She was no longer a pain in the ass on missions. She no longer needed guidance; she had been managing quite well on her own until recently. Eren's death had hit her hard, but this argument clearly showed that Mikasa was already recovering, and if she felt Levi's help was no longer needed, she would already have disappeared. In the first days, she had clung to him like a lifeline, as if trying to get out of a swamp. Now she was reclaiming her independence and the very pride Levi both hated and respected.
"Please," she whispered, forcing Levi to listen to her suddenly muffled voice. "Don't play with my feelings. If you want me to forget what happened yesterday, just say so. I can't live in endless expectation of something... again."
Mikasa barely managed to force out everything that had built up in her soul. She did not dare admit directly that she was attracted to the captain, but she hoped he would understand anyway. He was an adult man and much more experienced than she was. Mikasa really wanted his head to be working as well now as it did on expeditions. She herself had ignored the growing tension between them until the very end. If only not for that kiss.
Mikasa pressed her cut hand to herself, sharply turning away. A lump rose abruptly in her throat, and hot tears streamed down her cheeks. She could not hold back anymore. She had suffered enough with unrequited love. Going through that again would be torture. Mikasa had long realised that she should not have expected Eren to return her feelings, but she had hoped until the very end. She could not believe that the person dearest to her had simply betrayed her, trampled all the feelings she had carried so carefully through the years. Eren had never completely severed their connection. Mikasa had always had hope. And Mikasa had believed devoutly. Like an obedient little dog, she had put on the leash of her feelings again and again and blindly followed the one she adored.
What a fool she had been. And how painful it was to remember all that. But the feelings had not gone anywhere. She still missed Eren and did not want it all to happen again. She could not hope anymore. False hopes, promises, all of that only brought pain. And if Levi was only playing the good captain, ready to rescue a damsel in distress, then he should just admit it now. Honestly say what he felt, and they would continue living together as good friends. Without extra worries and romantic nonsense. Mikasa could forget about the kiss if Levi asked her to. Otherwise, she would simply go mad.
Mikasa felt Levi step closer to her. He stood right beside her and covered her hand, the one Mikasa was still leaning on the counter with, with his palm.
"I don't want you to forget."
Levi squeezed her hand. The last thing he wanted was to cause Mikasa more pain. She had already endured in her short life things one would not wish on an enemy. If Levi could help her start a new life, live peacefully and quietly, he would help, as he had promised. He could not abandon her then, on the field of the last battle. Who could have known what it would turn into?
Understanding each other was difficult. Mikasa was no longer his subordinate, and he could not force her to talk. He himself could not shake off the rank of captain. Who would judge him for his words now, except himself? They needed to learn to talk to each other, preferably as equals, to avoid getting into such stupid situations again. He liked Mikasa, and it seemed she liked him too. So what was with all the omissions?
Mikasa turned to him. Her tear-streaked face gleamed in the morning light. Her gaze seemed foggy and lost. Levi was about to say something comforting, stroke her cheek, draw closer, but Mikasa suddenly collapsed, unable to stay on her feet.
Levi barely managed to catch her before she hit her head on the table. Only now, holding Mikasa in his arms, did Levi realize how hot she was. He touched her damp forehead with his fingertips. She definitely had a fever. Now it was clear why she had been leaning on the kitchen cabinet. It was simply hard for her to stand, and emotions had nothing to do with it.
His knee immediately answered with a sharp pain as Levi lifted Mikasa in his arms. Heavy. He definitely would not be able to carry her to the bed. If it were not for his damned knee...
Levi carried Mikasa to the sofa in the living room. She hung in his arms like a rag doll; even just holding her was difficult. He carefully laid her down, touching her forehead again. He sighed heavily, straightened up, and took a piece of cotton from the kitchen. Soaked it in vinegar. Returned to the living room.
At the sharp smell, Mikasa opened her eyes. Her clouded, weakened gaze lingered on his face for only a moment, then Mikasa squeezed her eyes shut, as if the bright light hurt her.
"You need to get to bed. I can't carry you. Can you get up?"
Mikasa nodded weakly, swinging her legs off the sofa. Pain pierced her temples, and she squeezed her eyes shut again.
Levi put his arm around her waist, ready to catch her if needed. The last year had really taken its toll on her. Levi suddenly saw much more clearly how she had lost weight, how she had weakened and still had not recovered. Before, only a very strong blow could make her lose consciousness. In his memory, it had happened only once, and even then he had learned about it from the report after the battle in Trost.
Together they went upstairs. Levi made the bed, and Mikasa lay down, continuing to frown.
The room seemed unbearably bright. The light struck her eyes and echoed with pain in her temples. Everything spun before her. Her body shook with icy chills, while her head burned as if Mikasa had been dipped into a vat of boiling water. Her bones ached. Just that morning she had felt fine. Fatigue and a slight headache were easy to blame on a sleepless night, but now she understood: she was sick. Her weakened body had not coped with the walk in the freezing rain.
Mikasa did not notice Levi leaving, only felt him place a cool towel on her forehead. The touch made her shudder, but it immediately felt a little better. She wrapped herself in the blanket, feeling herself shivering all over. The room suddenly went dark, and Mikasa was able to open her eyes. Levi had closed the curtains.
The mattress next to her sagged. Levi sat down, looking at her. His gaze expressed something close to worry, and Mikasa was surprised. It was unusual to see him like this. On expeditions, Levi was always the embodiment of composure. Not a muscle twitched on his face, no matter what happened. Maybe he simply no longer felt the need to prove anything? Mikasa suddenly felt annoyed. How could she, Mikasa Ackerman, the strongest, collapse because of some rain? Maybe Levi was not afraid to show weakness around her only because Mikasa would definitely understand.
Even thinking became painful. She tried to sit up, not knowing why herself, but felt a soft touch on her shoulder.
"Don't get up."
Levi handed her a glass of water. When had he brought it? Mikasa nodded gratefully and quickly emptied the glass. She felt a little better. She lay back on the bed, pulling the blanket up to her nose.
"And it's better not to bundle up. It will only make your fever worse."
She had no strength to argue, and Mikasa was no longer listening. She was cold, and she was not going to shiver. She heard Levi saying something about a doctor, but her head grew heavy, and Mikasa quickly fell asleep.
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Levi went downstairs. So the time had come to use this contraption on his own. Levi had seen a telephone before and had even managed to speak on one, but he had never been left alone with the apparatus. Finding the doctor's number in the phone book was not difficult. After quickly describing the situation, Levi heard that the doctor would come himself, and, having received a few recommendations, he hung up. While Mikasa was sleeping, he could do some housework. Later he would make her tea with lemon. Levi sighed heavily. He had really gotten himself into a mess. Taking care of Mikasa was simply strange. She had always been one of the toughest. Levi could not remember her ever having such a bad cold. And yet his fondness for her did not allow him to simply ignore her illness. He would have to fuss over her. Levi could not just abandon Mikasa after what he had said. First, he got rid of the annoying sandy smudges on the floor, then picked up the shards. Cleaning helped distract him from all his troubles, and Levi did not notice a whole hour passing. He boiled water, took black tea from the shelf, rinsed the leaves with hot water, and, after letting the tea steep, poured it into a mug, adding lemon and a couple of spoons of honey for sweetness. Going up the stairs was still unpleasant, but the pain in his knee was subsiding with each day. Right now, however, his knee was shooting with pain. Apparently, it had not withstood the extra load of carrying Mikasa, and he had to walk more carefully so as not to mess up the freshly washed floor with sticky tea or spill boiling water on himself. Mikasa was still asleep, curled into a ball and trembling. The blanket lay nearby; she must have tossed and turned and thrown it off. The sheets were rumpled, sweat glistened on her forehead. Levi knew she should not bundle up, that it would only make her temperature rise, but he still threw the blanket over Mikasa. She looked too pitiful. He put the tea on the nightstand. Should he wake her? In sleep, she seemed so small and defenceless. From the outside, she did not look at all like one of the strongest, one who had repeatedly saved people from certain death and fought fearlessly to protect them. Right now, Mikasa was an ordinary girl with a cold. He did not want to disturb her, and Levi was about to leave the room when he heard Mikasa stirring behind him. Levi turned around. She looked around the room. Her hair was stuck to her face in places, and she rubbed her eyes lightly, gathering the unruly strands at the same time. Anticipating her questions, Levi returned, handing her the still-warm tea from the nightstand. "Thank you," Mikasa replied hoarsely, taking a sip. Her voice was clearly congested. She tried to clear her throat, but it did not help. The warm tea felt pleasant on her sore throat. Now Mikasa truly felt how sick she was. And how had she not paid attention to it all morning? Mikasa could not remember the last time she had been ill. In the army, there simply had not been time for that. A common cold exempted no one from training, and Mikasa had never felt the need to lie in bed while others worked. But now her head felt as if it were about to split apart, and her lungs hurt and felt heavy with every breath, as if they were filled with water. She wanted to fall face down into the pillows and not get up until the damned hammering in her head stopped, but the captain was sitting nearby, and she was ashamed to show weakness. Mikasa did not want to disgrace herself and patiently drank the warm, slightly sweet tea. Her efforts were interrupted by the doorbell. Mikasa put the cup on the nightstand and leaned back gratefully. "That's the doctor," Levi said, already leaving the room.✦❘༻༺❘✦
A short, middle-aged man with a briefcase in his hand entered the house, wiping his shoes on the mat. Levi already understood that he was planning to walk right in with his shoes on, but remained silent. Levi knocked on Mikasa's door, just to warn her they were about to enter, and opened it. The doctor nodded, bowed slightly, introduced himself, and asked Mikasa for permission to examine her. Mikasa looked at the doctor in confusion and then at the captain, as if seeking support, and Levi nodded. Mikasa followed his example, and the doctor came closer, placing his briefcase beside the bed. For both of them, all this was strange. In the Scouts, no one asked such stupid questions. If someone needed a doctor's help, they simply came and provided it. Everything in Marley screamed that Levi and Mikasa were outsiders here, that it would be a long time before they settled in. Levi, making sure Mikasa was in good hands and there was nothing more for him to do here, said: "I'll be downstairs. Call if you need anything." But the doctor's wide eyes and the gesture of his hand, asking him to stop, made Levi pause. "Not at all. I cannot examine your... wife without your presence," said the doctor, stumbling over his words, apparently afraid of misnaming his patient. Levi felt uneasy. Were the Marleyans too strange, or had he simply gotten used to not distinguishing between men and women? For a soldier, it did not matter what was in your pants; the main thing was that you did not shit yourself in front of a titan. But in Marley, it seemed, it mattered a great deal. He had to stay. Watching a half-naked Mikasa, who was already blushing either from realising the ordeal ahead or from the high fever, was beyond his strength. She looked back at him pleadingly. But what could Levi do? It suddenly became clear that this doctor should not know that Mikasa was only his former subordinate. The consequences for them were obvious. They would become outcasts, Mikasa would be branded with some nasty word, and society would close itself to them. And if Levi did not care deeply about that, he had to worry about Mikasa's reputation. She was too young to become trash just because she was not married. It was good that they had the same last name, and that the lie could be quite convincing. Mikasa, of course, might have kicked up a fuss, but Levi hoped she also understood perfectly well what situation they were in. "Didn't think of that. Proceed," said the captain. It was unlikely that the sight of Mikasa without a shirt could affect him in any way, and Mikasa was surely used to male gazes, but there was something subtly wrong about this. "Not a problem. I'll examine your wife now and prescribe treatment." The word "wife" made him uncomfortable, but he had to play along. The doctor nodded, turning to Mikasa, and nothing else concerned him except his patient. Levi turned his head to the side, studying the curtains on the windows. He did not have to look, did he? Levi heard the doctor ask her to remove her top, the rustle of clothing, the request to inhale and exhale, and Levi held himself back just to keep from glancing at Mikasa. He had not thought it would be difficult. He was used to women not interesting him much. But this particular woman made him think about her a little more. And the more often Levi was near her, the faster she crept into his thoughts. The doctor finished quite quickly. Mikasa was already dressed when Levi finally turned his head back. "It seems you've just caught a severe cold, Mrs. Ackerman. Nothing serious, but bed rest is necessary, and you must monitor your temperature. I'll write down all the recommendations," said the doctor, hastily packing his instruments into the briefcase. It was clear from Mikasa's face that she could barely think straight, and Levi followed the doctor downstairs. After receiving a slip of paper with the medications, Levi got ready to go out with the doctor. He needed to buy everything necessary.✦❘༻༺❘✦
It was chilly outside. Once again, Levi thought he was glad to live in the city, and not in some shithole, where instead of simply buying the necessary medicines, he would have had to saddle a horse and look for a pharmacist in another town. Half an hour later, Levi was returning with a package of the necessary medicines. He had restocked the first-aid kit as well. The path took him past a small market, which Levi had not paid much attention to before. But a small flower stall made him slow down. He wondered if anyone had ever given Mikasa flowers. Would she be happy if he brought her a small bouquet? Levi stepped toward the market. He could always say he had decided to brighten up the house. A small bouquet did not mean anything at all. There were surprisingly many flowers. In Eldia, everything would have withered by this time. His attention was drawn to small bouquets with flowers resembling fluffy, bluish cornflowers. Levi did not think long, took the first bouquet he liked, paid, and hurried home.✦❘༻༺❘✦
Mikasa was lying in bed when the lock clicked downstairs. Levi was back. She waited for him to appear in her room, and very soon the captain came. All this time, Mikasa could not bring herself to get up, even to drink water. An incredible weakness had washed over her. She felt broken, helpless, and useless. What terrible timing. Mikasa had lain in the hospital, doing nothing but mourning her losses, her wasted life. She had cried and hoped she would die. In short, she had been completely useless. And now she had become a burden to the captain again. For a few more days, she would not be able to help him with anything, and he would have to take care of her again. As if confirming her thoughts, Levi placed a package of medicines on the nightstand. And yet it was strangely pleasant to see Levi nearby. She caught herself thinking more and more often that she simply felt calmer with him. Maybe because she had no one else left, or maybe her fondness for him was genuinely growing stronger. In the Scouts, there had been no time to care for anyone. Mikasa was used to being on her own, but now the captain himself was helping her. In the army, this would have been considered a great honour, and Mikasa smiled weakly at her thoughts, immediately blaming it on feverish delirium. Levi sat on the edge of the bed, pulling a bouquet from behind his back. Mikasa stared dumbly at the flowers as Levi handed them to her. "What's this?" "I thought eyesight didn't fail with a fever," Levi chuckled. "But I'll give you a hint. They're flowers." Mikasa smiled awkwardly and took the soft bouquet in her hands. She tried to catch the scent, but her nose detected nothing. It did not matter anymore. Captain Levi Ackerman had brought her flowers. No one had ever given her flowers. And it was unlikely that anyone in the army even did such things. Flowers were brought to funerals. If, of course, your body was brought back inside the Walls. But this small gift meant a great deal to Mikasa. "So the vase isn't empty," Levi added, just to narrow the breadth of Mikasa's smile a little. He had not thought this little thing would really please her so much. "All right, you need to take your medicine. Hand them over." Mikasa obediently gave the flowers back, and Levi took the vase, intending to fill it with water. He returned quickly and placed the vase on the dresser. They really did look beautiful. The bluish color brightened the whiteness of the room, and Levi smiled slightly. Not a wasted purchase. "A beautiful color. It reminds me of your eyes," Mikasa said in her hoarse voice, and he did not turn around. He only snorted at her statement, smiling a little wider. "Just take your medicine and get some more sleep. I'll bring lunch here. The last thing we need is for you to get your snot all over the house." As if to confirm his words, Mikasa sneezed, and Levi turned at the sharp sound. Mikasa was already wiping her nose with a handkerchief and reaching for the medicine. "Whatever you say," she nodded quickly, and Levi calmly left the room.✦❘༻༺❘✦
The rest of the day passed rather boringly. Usually, Levi did not have so much free time. There were always things to do. Either reports needed filling out, or the soldiers got into trouble, or he had gone too long without training and it was time to work out. But Levi had none of that now. And there was no need for training either. What was the point of keeping in shape if there was no one to fight? But Levi was lying to himself. As soon as his knee stopped bothering him, he would return to training immediately, otherwise he would die of boredom. Training had become part of him, and Levi was not ready to give it up, even if there was no longer any point in it. Maybe Mikasa would join him. He remembered how she spent all her free time on the training grounds, even on her days off. Levi made lunch, read one of the books he had bought during his first days living on his own, ate dinner from the lunch leftovers, and occasionally brought Mikasa sweet tea with lemon. Definitely nicer than bitter potions. He only hoped he would not catch some bug himself and end up bedridden alongside Mikasa. He had spent enough time lying in the hospital. He did not want to anymore. Mikasa, however, had plenty of time to start eating away at herself with unpleasant thoughts again. Spending all this time in bed was not so much boring as truly destructive. Every minute she felt that she was the only one to blame for everything. She had not noticed Eren changing, could not get through to him, could not protect him. And now she was clinging firmly to the captain's neck when he could have started living his own life. A grown man, tired of life, like the captain, should not be hindered. And she had latched onto him like a leech, and it was becoming harder and harder for Levi to tear her off. He pitied her for sure. When Levi brought her another cup of tea, she could not take it anymore. "I shouldn't have agreed," she said, feeling that she would burst into tears again if she said another word. Her own helplessness was eating away at her, destroying the last remnants of her composure. "To what?" asked Levi, leaving the mug on the table. Mikasa wrapped her arms around herself, pulling her knees toward her face, burying her nose in the sweat-damp fabric of her trousers. Right now she felt utterly disgusting and useless. "I'm an adult, and I should have started my own life, but instead I'm ruining yours." It seemed to Levi that Mikasa had gotten over it. He had seen that at first she felt awkward accepting his help, but Levi had thought she had settled in enough not to think about such stupidity. It turned out that was not the case. Levi heard her sniffle. Either from the runny nose or from tears. "Has the fever cooked your brain?" asked Levi, moving closer and touching her smooth, fever-heated hair with his calloused hand. Mikasa was becoming someone closer to him than just a subordinate with the same last name, and he wanted to get that across to her. "I'm serious. All I do is cry and cause problems. I'm sorry." Her hoarse voice sounded so pitiful that Levi could not help himself. His heart ached when he saw how hard it was for her. Levi had lost everything when he was about the same age, and there had been no one nearby who could understand, who could comfort him. But Mikasa had him. And Levi could not leave her alone with her thoughts. He wrapped his arms around her, forcing her to emerge from her cocoon, held her tightly, feeling how hot her body was. Her tears did not embarrass him in the least. He only wanted to wipe them from her face. Mikasa pressed into him, her fingers crumpling the shirt on his chest. It was truly hard for her, and once again she felt a sense of boundless gratitude that Levi was still bothering with her. "Silly. Get that nonsense out of your head. I would have gone crazy from loneliness someday." Words failed him. He did not know how to express the feelings that had accumulated inside. Levi did not consider her useless. He was used to seeing Mikasa ready for anything, but he understood perfectly well what had broken her so badly. She had to cope with a heavy loss, and he was willing to give her time to recover. However long it took, even a lifetime. Mikasa calmed down a bit and was no longer crying. It felt easier in his arms. She felt that Levi was not lying, that he would protect her, keep his word, just as he had all this time. He was protecting her from herself, and Mikasa was ready to sit like that for an eternity, just so she would not be alone. But shame took over. She had to pull herself together again, piece by piece, pretend again that everything was fine, even if a storm was raging inside. She moved away, wiping a tear from her cheek. "I don't know how to thank you for fussing over me like a child." "You can stop getting sick just because it started raining outside."
