Make Her Smile Again

Mikasa reached her room in two short strides and slammed the door shut behind her. Her cheeks were burning, and only one image filled her mind: her sitting meekly on the Captain’s lap, not uttering a single word of protest. The worst part was that she had… somewhat liked it, and instead of being offended by this invasion of her personal space, she had merely stayed silent. How had that even happened? “What a shame!” Mikasa whispered, covering her face with her hands, and rushed to the shower to cool her thoughts a little. She had never been shy around men, let alone their touch. It had all been perfectly normal just a couple of months ago. During battles, she never paid attention to such trivialities; survival was all that mattered. When you’re about to end up in a titan’s maw, you couldn’t care less if someone grabbed you. The only thought is to survive. Survive at any cost. On expeditions that could drag on, they were always together, sleeping huddled close on cold nights, hoping not to wake up with a cough or a runny nose. Tears welled up in her throat again. Thoughts of lost comrades, of Eren flooded her mind. With an effort of will, Mikasa suppressed the urge to cry. Even if no one could see her, even if no one cared about her tears, she was tired of seeming weak and pitiful all this time. A spasm tightened her lungs, and she sniffled, trying to stifle the pain, hugging her shoulders, but hot tears were already streaming down her cheeks. What had she been doing during the time when she should have been mourning the friends she would never see again? The warm water warmed her, helped her relax a little, to try and pull herself together. Mikasa tried to promise herself to learn to keep her feelings in check, not to cry over what couldn’t be changed. It seemed that in all her years of service, she hadn’t shed as many tears as in this wretched month. Forcing herself to calm down, to push thoughts of her friends away, to shove them deep into her heart, Mikasa returned to the problems facing her right now. She was completely alone, and she had probably acted foolishly around the only person willing to lend her a helping hand. Maybe the Captain hadn’t meant anything by it. He was also used to touch. He’d had to pull Mikasa out of trouble more than once, and his hands had never felt so real before. Her cheeks flushed pink at the mere thought of how strangely she had behaved. Thoughts swarmed in her head, but she had no energy left for shame. She washed up slowly, feeling everything inside her calming down a little, the pain receding, and she could breathe fully again. She would think about what to do with her own feelings tomorrow. Right now, she just wanted to wrap herself in a fluffy, warm blanket and lose herself in a deep sleep.

✦❘༻༺❘✦

They both spent that morning in their rooms. Mikasa went down for breakfast, not daring to invite the Captain. Going to his room after last night was awkward, and she decided to give herself time to calm down. Levi had said he didn’t like breakfast anyway, so he probably wouldn’t be offended if she didn’t invite him. On her way back, she crossed paths with the Captain in the hallway. He was fully dressed and clearly about to go somewhere. Mikasa felt embarrassed again, her cheeks reddened, and she could only quickly lower her eyes to avoid meeting the Captain’s gaze. “Good morning, Mikasa,” Levi said as he passed her. She really wanted to ask where he was going, but didn’t dare. And since when did she think the Captain had to report to her? But she still felt uneasy. They had spent the last couple of days together, and being completely alone, not knowing where the only person familiar to her was, was a little scary. Had she really done something last night that made him distance himself? “Good morning, Levi,” Mikasa replied timidly, still getting used to the new form of address. She went into her room, not knowing why or where the Captain was going. The scene from last night kept playing before her eyes. The Captain, however, looked completely calm, as if it didn’t affect him at all, and his expression reflected the usual dissatisfaction with everything around him. Had she really imagined it all and acted very strangely indeed? The day dragged on unbearably slowly. There was absolutely nothing to do, and Mikasa just lay on the bed, staring at the yellowed ceiling. Thinking about the Captain was unbearable, and she finally rolled onto her stomach, burying her face forcefully into the pillow. Maybe this would all pass eventually? With a quiet groan, she exhaled, realising how foolishly she was behaving. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Mikasa jerked upright on the bed and, smoothing her hair somewhat, loudly said, “Come in.” She already knew no one but Levi would disturb her. Her heart started beating faster when the Captain appeared in the doorway, holding some papers and a parcel. “I had some errands to run. Didn’t take you with me; it was very cold outside. Here.” He handed her the parcel, and Mikasa turned it over in her hands distrustfully. It was strange that the Captain felt the need to explain himself, but it was somehow nice that he had thought of her. Although Mikasa would have preferred not to be stuck here all alone. Muttering a “thank you,” Mikasa unwrapped the parcel. Her fingers touched an almost weightless, fluffy, and very beautiful white shawl. Mikasa immediately draped it over herself, feeling her shoulders warm up. It was so comforting… “Thank you, it’s very beautiful,” Mikasa smiled, touching the soft wool with her hands. Since Eren had tied that ill-fated red scarf around her, no other gifts had appeared in her life, and this shawl delighted her. At least the Captain clearly wasn’t angry about how she had behaved. Levi watched her carefully, making sure the gift was to her liking, barely stopping himself from giving a compliment. Mikasa looked lovely, with slightly pinkened cheeks and eyes shining with joy. He had never been one to lavish compliments, but seeing Mikasa’s slightly disheveled hair and her elegant hands softly touching the shawl, he suddenly felt the urge. And why hadn’t he noticed before how pretty she was? He still had the papers in his hands, and he placed them on the bedside table, pulling a pen from his pocket. “Sign here,” he pointed to a blank space on one of the sheets, looking at Mikasa expectantly. She immediately obeyed, leaving her sprawling signature on the paper, a signature that had only been useful a couple of times before. “What is this?” “Ask first, sign later,” Levi smirked. Mikasa gave a guilty smile in return but said nothing more, putting the pen down. “I went to find out when we can move in. The documents are ready,” Levi shook the now-folded papers in his hand. “So we’re sleeping in the house tonight. Pack your things.” The news was undoubtedly good. Mikasa quickly looked around. Besides the things in her bag, she had nothing else. She didn’t even need to pack. “I’m ready now.” “Then we can leave right away.” Levi watched her gaze with a hint of surprise, realising they truly had almost no belongings. Mikasa stood up, adjusting her clothes. She waited. Maybe the Captain would say a few words about last night after all. But Levi said nothing, as if it meant nothing to him. Maybe he had already forgotten all about it. She would have to help him with the bandages again in the evening, and if he remained silent again, she would ask about it herself. Even if it made her look completely foolish, it was better to clarify things immediately, to hear that she had imagined things, and that Levi was still her comrade and Captain. Nothing more. They went downstairs together, settled the bill, and stepped outside. It was truly cold outside. Much colder than yesterday. The weather was windy, and Mikasa felt that without her new shawl, she would have frozen instantly. They had a few errands to run—to buy warm clothes, which for some reason they hadn’t thought of immediately, and then to drop off the signed documents. They’ve already forgotten how to care for themselves as the military provided all the necessities. The wind whistled unpleasantly under their clothes, and they quickly reached the familiar shop. No one felt like spending a long time choosing clothes. Mikasa took the first coat which fit her, a beautiful green, emerald—as the shopkeeper said—color. Levi settled on a black one. Mikasa smirked. It wasn’t at all necessary to dress in the same gloomy colours as their old, time-worn black uniforms, and so she said to him, and the Captain rightly remarked that her green coat reminded him of their cloaks. Mikasa just shrugged, picking up a few more parcels with warm clothes from the counter. The Scouts had gotten too deep into their heads to get rid of old habits so quickly. Levi didn’t take Mikasa with him to deliver the documents. He escorted her to the house, gave her the second set of keys, looked around a bit, feeling that a fire should be lit in the cold room, hinted to Mikasa about lighting the fireplace, and left, letting her explore the rooms. Mikasa, without taking off her coat, followed Levi’s advice and lit the fire. She slowly walked through the first floor. It was getting stuffy in the coat, so she took it off, leaving her warm shawl on. The house was small and heated up quickly. The fireplace crackled pleasantly with logs, the smell of wood spreading through the rooms. It was calm and cozy here. The house was indeed ready to live in immediately. Even logs for the fireplace were stacked neatly in the yard and in the living room. Mikasa couldn’t get used to the thought that this was her new home. With its soft furniture, paintings on the walls, and potted plants, it seemed like a castle compared to the soldiers' barracks. Mikasa went upstairs. The hallway ended in windows on both sides. A typical hall with several doors. Mikasa entered one of the rooms. Huge, by her standards, windows faced the sea, offering a wonderful view of the half-empty promenade and the stirring azure water stretching far beyond the horizon. She would have much preferred a view of a calm forest, meadows, mountains, but she forced herself not to think about what she had left behind long ago. The room was small but quite bright. The large windows let in a lot of light, and Mikasa thought heating such a place wouldn’t be easy. But it wasn’t cold here. She shrugged. Many houses in Marley had large window frames. Mikasa flicked the now-familiar switch, and the room was flooded with the golden light of lamps. Mikasa dropped her things here, hoping the Captain wouldn’t mind if she took this particular room. Just in case, she peeked into the second one and, confirming it was little different from hers, calmly returned to what she could now call her own room. The house had two bathrooms, and one of them had a real, large bathtub. Just like in a bathhouse. Mikasa carefully ran her fingers over the cold white surface, exhaling loudly. Only very rich people could afford such things, and the fact that a bathtub was even in such an ordinary house spoke again of how far behind Eldia had been left. It would be many years before things were sorted out back home. One of the rooms was like a study. Empty cabinets, a desk, a chair. The windows faced the square, and Mikasa thought this wasn’t the best place for contemplation. The square was probably very noisy at times. Shrugging, Mikasa returned to her room, hoping to have time to unpack her few belongings before Levi returned. She was coming down the stairs when she heard the lock click. Levi was holding a bucket, a mop, and some jars. Bright yellow gloves hung on the bucket. Dropping his load, he took off his boots and put on slippers he pulled from the same bucket. “Cleanliness is clearly not your strong suit,” Levi said disapprovingly, pulling a second pair of slippers from the bucket. “Take off your shoes, put these on, and we’ll clean up after you.” Mikasa sighed but obeyed. She still felt indebted to the Captain, if only for not abandoning her, and cleaning up wasn’t too high a price for his kindness. Mikasa quickly ran down the stairs, kicked off her shoes by the entrance, and put on the slippers. Levi glanced at the shoes scattered haphazardly by the door and placed one shoe neatly next to the other, giving Mikasa a disapproving look. The mop and bucket quickly ended up in the former subordinate’s hands when Levi said in his habitual commanding tone: “You’ll mop the floors.” Mikasa almost felt like smiling. It reminded her of the old days. She really didn’t want to clean, but she was mentally prepared for it, and there was nothing else to do anyway. Mikasa didn’t even think of resisting—it was obvious that with his injured leg, Levi couldn’t possibly handle the floor. Pleasant memories of their first day in the castle, where they were assigned after cadet corps training, swirled in her mind. They had scrubbed the walls, floors, and windows together, complaining all the while that they didn’t want to clean anything. Now that memory evoked a slight melancholy for times gone by. They were all still alive and full of hope back then. Mikasa filled the bucket with water, added the fragrant cleaning agent, foamed the water, and started scrubbing the wooden floor with the mop. The floors soon shone. The Captain wiped the windows, as much as his agility on a chair with a crutch allowed, and wiped a thin layer of dust from the cabinets with a rag. Looking at the floors, he remarked: “At least you learned something. But next time, wash by hand; there are streaks left.” Mikasa couldn’t help but smile. Actually, she had learned much more from the Captain than just mopping floors, but of course, she would never tell him that. “Then what’s the mop for?” “So you’d ask.” Mikasa had never noticed the Captain buying things just to have them, the same way other solders didn’t get attached to trinkets, but she quickly realised—without the mop, he wouldn’t have been able to manage if he had to mop the floor himself. An unpleasant feeling flared in her chest. Did he really think Mikasa might refuse to help him? But she quickly dismissed the thought. She can’t get inside his head. She never knows what he’s thinking. By the time they had cleaned the entire house, even the corners Mikasa would never have looked at, evening had fallen. The chandeliers brightly illuminated the rooms of the house, much better than candles and kerosene lamps, and despite the early darkness, no one felt like sleeping yet. The fatigue of the day descended quite suddenly, and Levi quickly realised that was enough for today. Running around the city and cleaning had tired him out, and Levi thought to himself that he was losing his edge if he got so tired from simple tasks. He wanted to change his bandages quickly and rest, and, telling Mikasa he was ready for the bandaging, headed for the shower, grumbling that he hadn’t thought to find a house with a shower and bedroom on the ground floor. It was too inconvenient to go upstairs with his injured leg. But Levi hoped he would recover very soon, and it wouldn’t be such a big problem anymore. “I picked a room for myself, you don’t mind, do you?” Mikasa hurried to confirm, seeing Levi to the bathroom. “I don’t care,” Levi replied, closing himself in the bathroom. He essentially didn’t care. Everything was fine as long as you slept in a normal soft bed and not on planks in the barracks. Mikasa followed his example, deciding to take advantage of the fact that there was now a whole bathroom right next door that belonged only to her and the Captain. No queues, no cooled, dirty water, and no dozen pairs of eyes staring at you. She found a metal basin and was about to go to the kitchen to heat water, but hot water flowed from the tap immediately, just like in the hotel. It seemed like a real miracle, even though it wasn’t the first time she had washed in hot water without carrying basins. The Captain was probably just as happy about such easy access to warm water, since in the barracks they had to wash in icy water, and if it was a blessing in summer, it became unbearable by winter. Getting out of the bathtub, Mikasa understood she hadn’t brought a change of clothes, and the old ones were soaking in the basin. She quickly dried her hair with a towel and wrapped it around herself, planning to quickly dash to her room hoping the Captain wouldn’t notice her. And, as luck would have it, Levi was already sitting in her room with the first-aid kit on his knees, his back to the door, looking at something outside the window. He turned at the sound, and Mikasa instantly blushed, tightening the towel, which barely covered what needed to be covered, as if it might fall off. The room was dark, but Levi could see all her outlines, noting that even starvation hadn’t taken her out of shape. He looked at Mikasa unashamedly. “Oh, I didn’t think you… I mean, you’d be waiting here,” Mikasa stammered, shifting from foot to foot, not knowing how to ask him to wait outside. Only at that moment did Levi realise he had embarrassed her terribly. He waved his hand. “Get dressed. I’m not looking.” He immediately turned to the window, pretending he was completely uninterested in what was happening behind his back. Levi thought that he should’ve just left the room and waited somewhere else, but the moment he realised that, he heard Mikasa’s towel fall and immediately stood up to draw the curtains, to think as little of the woman behind him as possible. Mikasa thought she couldn’t blush any deeper, but she felt the tips of her ears burning. She quickly slipped past Levi’s back to the wardrobe and threw on the first thing that was easy to put on—the dress, not even bothering with underwear. She just wanted to cover up quickly, to get out of this stupid situation. Mikasa could see that Levi wasn’t interested in her, and on expeditions, all sorts of things happened, a naked body hardly embarrassed anyone, but now everything was different, and Mikasa was indignant. Why couldn’t he just leave? The thought that he shouldn’t move unnecessarily stirred in her mind, but it didn’t make her feel any less ashamed. “I’m done,” Mikasa said quietly, and Levi returned to the bed. Mikasa lit the lamp. They had to squint from the sudden bright light. Mikasa sat down next to Levi, pulling out everything necessary from the first-aid kit. As last time, he was already without bandages, and Mikasa noted that his wounds were healing excellently and no longer looked so painful. Mikasa carefully treated each cut and couldn’t calm her pounding heart. She felt naked despite the dress. Barefoot, without underwear, she reached for the Captain’s face, feeling his attentive gaze on her. “Sorry about last night. I frightened you.” Mikasa accidentally looked into his utterly cold eyes and immediately returned to the scar on his face. He said it as if he had stepped on some gentleman’s foot in a crowd, as if it meant nothing to him, and Mikasa frowned. She really did imagine all sorts of things. What had she expected, and why had it agitated her so much? “It’s fine,” she muttered, trying to force a smile onto her face. “Are you upset?” Mikasa flinched. He had noticed after all. She knew she was bad at hiding emotions, and the Captain read her like an open book. No wonder, they had fought side by side for so many years after all. As soon as Levi said it, Mikasa immediately felt that yes, she was upset. But admitting it was somehow awkward, because it would mean that she had, in fact, liked what happened last night. And she simply didn’t understand how to react to that. “I… I don’t know,” she admitted honestly. This feeling seemed unusual, out of place; she wanted it to disappear instantly, to dissolve, and at the same time, never go away. A slight flutter in her chest, a barely noticeable admiration. Figuring herself out right now proved too difficult. Blood pounded in her temples, muddling her thoughts, her head was noisy. The Captain remained silent. He seemed to be contemplating something. They just looked at each other, not breaking the silence, and only the sound of the waves came from outside the window. Levi finally decided to pull himself together. If something inside suggested how to behave, he didn’t try to understand his own emotions; he acted as he saw fit. This tactic had helped him survive, so it would help him sort out his relationship with his former subordinate. Levi reached his healthy hand towards Mikasa’s face, carefully stroking her cheek with the back of his hand. Mikasa just lowered her eyes, not knowing where to put herself from embarrassment. The Captain’s touch unexpectedly pleased her. They were so soft, careful, tender. It was nice to feel the warmth of his palm on her skin. Levi studied her pinkish cheeks, felt the velvety texture of her fair skin on the back of his hand, looked at her thick black lashes framing her large grey eyes, which she had so sweetly lowered, and couldn’t look away. “Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?” His deep, velvety voice sent shivers down her spine. Mikasa jerked, pressing her lips together. He had never spoken to her so quietly, calmly, and tenderly. Levi immediately regretted his words. Surely someone had, and more than once. Jean, for sure, had tried to shower her with compliments. It’s just that his attempts clearly went over her head, since Mikasa never looked at anyone but Eren. The though of him made Levi sick. How much he had let them all down. Especially her. Eren saw perfectly well that Mikasa was head over heels in love with him, but always ignored it. Couldn’t he, seeing such a future for himself and for her, have changed it? Eren was either a coward or an absolute fool. Only a complete idiot could let such love slip away. But right now, Levi felt good being near Mikasa, feeling the warmth of her skin on his hands. So beautiful and flustered. After all the hardships, suffering, pain, and injuries, life, by some miracle, had left them together. For him, that meant something, and it seemed that long-forgotten feelings were awakening within him. The ones he had buried deep inside long ago. Levi had never thought much about women. There was no time for that in war. Some found him attractive, others were drawn to his influence. If only they understood that behind his rank was just a huge pile of dealing with shit. But now, Mikasa was sitting in front of him. He had always noted her combat abilities but had never looked deeper. And yet, she had such a lovely appearance. And what did he look like from the outside? Levi had rarely thought about his own attractiveness before. He hadn’t been deprived of attention. But now he had to: a huge scar cutting across his face, missing fingers on one hand, a shattered knee that made walking difficult. “No,” he thought, “maybe I was once strong and attractive, but now resembled a ruin.” What made him think he had any right to tenderness? Mikasa was grieving the loss of loved ones, and he was brazenly taking advantage of her vulnerability and readiness to accept any affection, to throw herself at the first available shoulder. He immediately wanted to remove his hand from her face. “And how does she not feel disgust looking at me?” he thought, still lowering his palm. Maybe she was just afraid to say something to him; after all, there was no one else around now, and he knew how afraid Mikasa was of being alone. But Mikasa immediately caught his hand, squeezed it, intertwining their fingers. Levi felt his heart beat faster. Mikasa had been sitting completely still all this time, waiting for the next move, but Levi did nothing more, just studied her face, and she got confused. She didn’t know how to behave around him, how to show that she wasn’t disgusted but rather stirred. But when she felt Levi moving his palm away from her, she, without thinking, took it in hers. With an effort of will, she raised her gaze to him: “I need to finish the bandaging.” Levi nodded, but didn’t withdraw his hand, sitting quietly until Mikasa jerked, unclasped her fingers herself, turning away to the box of medicines. Mikasa couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye and avoided his gaze. Putting the bandage on his face suddenly became incredibly difficult. Levi caught himself thinking that he wanted to touch his lips to that milky-white, velvety skin, to find out what it tasted like, but he checked himself, feeling he had already overstepped. “That’s all,” Mikasa said, looking anywhere but at the Captain. “Thank you.” There was nothing more to do here. Levi really didn’t want to leave, but he couldn’t think of an excuse to stay, so he got up from the bed. “See you tomorrow,” he said almost completely evenly, left the room, and closed the door behind him. He clearly wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight.