The Names We Had At Dawn

The rest of the day proved quiet. She and Oneias worked in the garden without much talking and tended their Solthari Sky born. She ate very little during the day. her time in the Nightmare Abyss still bothering her. She had no idea what to say to Oneias about it though she could tell he was worried about her. She knew that she should talk to him, but it was too raw, too fresh to want to talk about. Between the Lunatheris feather and the lucidroot tonic, she should be able to avoid the Abyss and the nightmares that would haunt her there. Even so, she dreaded what sleep would bring. It had been a long time since she'd been so afraid of the Abyss. But after the previous nights, she was terrified to sleep again. But the day began to wind down, the march of time progressing. The sun sunk low on the horizon. They took care of their last chores and headed inside. "Are you hungry yet, Sophie?" He looked at her. She had declined every morsel of food that he'd offered her that day. Literally nothing had tempted her that day. Somehow, he had access to sugar and chocolate pieces. but even warm Coco late chip cookies hadn't made her want to eat. Her stomach roiled, but emotionally,she wasn't feeling it. She shook her head. "No." "How about some soup? Then you can have some broth. Not really a meal, but at least something in your stomach." She sighed. "I suppose." She knew she needed to eat, but it was hard when her memories from this lifetime clung like cobwebs to her mind. And what the Abyss had done to distort those memories weighed on her. She needed to eat and her body craved nutrition, but she wasn't sure she could keep anything solid down. Broth really was the least evil she could imagine right now. Sadly, this wasn't like the Hollow Epoch where she could just drink some juice and get all of her nutrients. Even smoothies were out out of the question due to the lack of blenders and limited fruits and vegetables. There was no large, international supply chain like there had been during the Hollow Epoch that allowed for having fresh foods all year. "Would you mind helping me prep things at least?" He smiled at her. It'd been too long since they'd cooked together and it was something she missed. She hadn't cooked in this lifetime. It was seen as beneath her status as the scion of a Great House. But cooking and food prep were drilled into her at this point, so she stepped up to the counter and started helping him. "We can make some bone broth tomorrow and dehydrate it over the fire. I have a root cellar for the short term, though. How does that sound?" "Okay." She was glad he was looking out for her as always. She really wished they had been separated for far too long this lifetime. They unfortunately didn't always find each other,though; she had been worried that would be the case this time too. All she wanted was to be with Oneias as much as possible after this ife time had been so awful. They would only get a few decades here together. She still wasn't sure what she'd do when he died in this lifetime. The Weavers of Continuance only allowed a certain amount of time to pass before someone got gently guided to their next life. At least unless they got trapped in a cycle of regret that bound them to the Echoed Plane for only Arcanum Lords knew how long. She was quiet for a bit until she opened one of the cupboards and blinked. "Canning equipment? Wouldn't this be the better option for storing the broth?" Had he really forgotten that he had canning equipment? This would keep it shelf stable for far longer and at room temperature, possibly longer in the root cellar due to being chillier. She could remember when canning had been discovered and how it had revolutionised food storage the first time. It hadn't taken as long this time around. "Ah, right. I don't use it that much since it is kind of a pain to do. But yeah, it would definitely be better than having to spend a lot of time reducing and dehydrating it over the fire." He took the equipment down and put it on the counter. He had a lot of jars which would be good; they would probably make a lot of the bone broth because she really would need it. She was going to drop weight fast if she didn't eat. She knew it, but the thought of eating anything solid right now was incredibly unappealing. She nodded. "I am a little rusty on how to can things, admittedly. It's been several millennia since I've had to do it." Oneias smiled. "Don't worry about it, Sophie. It's not a big deal; I can handle it and reteach you in the process. Sound good?" She nodded. She wasn't sure when canning had been rediscovered and hadn't kept up. This lifetime had been in a Great House which meant things like canning were beneath her station to do. And her previous lifetime had been in an urban area without need for growing her own food... But it was a wide enough practice commoners could afford the equipment, so it had to have been around for a while, atleast. Stuff like this went to the Great Houses first and trickled down to commoners. Granted, she wasn't sure if coaches would. With as complex as they were to produce, she doubted normal people would ever be able to afford them. “Okay, Onay." she finished up with her meal prep and sat at the table. He put a pot over the fire, filled it with water, and let it simmer. It would take a few hours for the soup to finish ,but she was fine with that. All she wanted was to sleep but Oneias wouldn't let her do that until she put something in her stomach that day. She'd avoided everything but water from the well which she knew would hurt her long term, but it was hard when her mind kept attacking itself with the most awful images even in the waking world. He sat next to her and offered her his hands. "Want to hum?" It was a ritual they'd had for millennia at this point. When they were together. they hummed sometime during the twilight or night hours. The tune had been the same for a long time; she couldn't remember the last time they'd changed it. Now that she would hopefully sleep tonight… She took his hands and nodded. "Yes." She had missed all of their little rituals they had cultivated over lifetimes. They were the one constant in her life once they found each other again. He started to hum their song, but she froze. It was the same melody that this lifetime's father had sung to calm her down after rapes. It wasn't impossible the same song could be created millennia apart, but this was... What were the odds? She didn't want to be reminded of her rapes and her inability to protect the younger girls in her family from this fate. Far, far too.much had happened in this life and it was still so raw and fresh that she couldn't stand it. Oneias blinked. "Sophie? What's wrong? You look like you want cry." She blinked rapidly, trying to keep the tears from pouring down her face. Despite so many lifetimes together, her instincts from this life screamed not to tell him. She'd been sworn to secrecy and literally had it beaten into her in this lifetime. She knew that she could trust him, but the trauma from this lifetime screamed at her. She warred with herself, trying to overcome what had been so effectively pounded into her. "The song… It's what one of my abusers sang to me when he was trying to calm me down after rapes. I don't know why it didn't occur to me until now." She forced herself to speak, voice and lips trembling. It was so hard to communicate when she had been so effectively silenced the past two decades. Even though it was Oneias, it was so hard to overcome those instincts and behaviors. He frowned. "Oh Sophie. I'm sorry." He paused. "Do you want to try all of our normal rituals or should we strike them and start fresh?" He squeezed her hands gently. She took in an unsteady breath as she considered. This wouldn't be the first time they'd had to replace rituals or simply start from scratch. Many rituals had come and gone over the lifetimes due to triggers or it simply not feeling right anymore. "I don't want to trigger you unnecessarily. If you don't even want to try our current set ever again, you can make that decision. I won't be mad." Her lips trembled, tears welling in her eyes. That was the sort of understanding that could only come from countless lifetimes together. Being willing to stop something that meant so much to both of them... The song was one they'd adapted from an old hymn to the Arcanum Lords into a lullaby. She had adored the melody, but now it just brought up feelings of violation and helplessness for her. She had no idea if she'd ever be able to hear the song again without breaking down. She sat in silence for a while, the fire popping and crickets chirping. "I'd like to at least try, Onay. I can't guarantee we won't have to start fresh." She did want to try. She really did. She could understand his desire to not trigger her any further, but she wouldn't know if any of their rituals would trigger her until she tried them. Plus, she really did love all their current daily rituals;she had longed for them so much while they'd been apart. But now…they might have to start fresh. She didn't want that, but it may just be the hand they'd been dealt. She hated the thought, but she couldn't exactly fight reality either. Why was fate so cruel sometimes? He nodded. "All right, Sophie. We can try. If something triggers you or you don't like it, tell me and we'll try something else." She nodded. "Okay, Onay." She was so glad to have found him again. A couple of men (and even women) had shown some interest in courting her during her travels, but she had denied them. She was definitely attractive in this lifetime, but she had no romantic interest. All she wanted was to be back in Oneias'arms. She rarely wanted anybody else in this point of her existence. There were so few other Awakened people that could remember previous incarnations. She found it almost impossible to form relationships with people that could only remember their current life. It was just so hard when she had the scope of three distinct eras of time… He squeezed her hands and reached up. "Can I touch your face?" Her heart fluttered in her chest at the question. So much had been taken from her in this life including her voice. The fact he was going back and asking her consent… They hadn't had to do this in a long time, but she truly did appreciate it. Considering all she had endured, it would take a lot of time and healing to get back to where they had been before. It was no fault of his own, of course, but he would have to deal with the consequences of it. She gave a nod and he cupped her cheek. She flinched a bit but didn't pull back. His touch warmed her in away nothing else had in a long time. She leaned into it, eyes closed. It felt so good to have a touch without ill intent behind it. All she wanted was to be loved and treated well. Even that was too much to ask in this lifetime apparently. "Sophie, I do have something I want to talk about. Will you hear me out?" She blinked and looked at him but nodded. He took in a breath. "We usually handle things on our own and stay isolated…but I don't think that's a good idea this time. You need more support than I can provide on my own, I think. I only go into town on market days. I think there might be good people to befriend here, though. Plus, you'll need support long term. You're younger than me here and I'll die long before you do." He sighed, obviously not wanting to continue. She tensed a bit to prepare for something truly awful. "And I don't think it'd be fair to me to have to hold all your trauma either. You need a whole support system this time, Sophie', not just me." Well, it wasn't rejection or being thrown out, but it stung. She sighed as well, considering his words. They generally stuck to themselves as nobody understood what it was like once passing into a new life. Very few retained memories of their old lives like they did, barring being tormented by visions of their previous lives due to committing suicide. He had a point; she knew it. But it went against so many centuries and lifetimes of isolating themselves. Her trauma did run deeper than normal;putting it all on one person wasn't fair. She could understand that intellectually. Emotionally was another story. "You're right, but it's hard to accept since we've largely stayed to ourselves." They generally didn't form deep relationships with anybody because of so many issues that came from being Awakened. It was so hard to anybody that didn't remember their past lives. Finding other Awakened people was nearly impossible without a soul bond like theirs. They just kept their heads down and lived life quietly until their death and the cycle repeated again ad nauseum. "I know it'll be a tough orange, Sophie. When people don't down, it's hard to relate. But honestly, it's probably for they have the weight of all of their previous lives weighing them best we talk to others. Our world being so small isn't healthy, I don't think." she frowned. "What brought on this change of mind?" He had been okay with it being only them for the past several millennia. She would be perfectly okay to stick to themselves as they had for so long. Had this lifetime really changed him that much? Then again, it had changed her. What was to say his own experience hadn't had a similar impact on him? They that. People could and would change rather quickly even in a normally wouldn't change so quickly, but life was odd like single lifetime without all of their memories. She had certainly changed despite being only 25 in this lifetime. How much couldhehave changed in 55 years? He sighed. "My wife in this lifetime kept me extremely isolated from others. She was controlling and abusive toward me, though not the kids. I had no body to turn to and it was lonely. Though, from the sound of it, it wasn't anything compared to what you went through. She raped me when she wanted kids. Drugged me too, don't really remember the events. When she hit 45 and couldn't have children anymore, she manipulated everyone and convinced themIwas the abusive one. I was run out of town." He shrugged. "So I spent eight years wandering until I settled here and built this house to wait for you." He smiled. "And you said you've only gone into town on market days?" Wasn't that a little hypocritical? Shouldn't he have tried to integrate with the town a bit more? And travel was generally dangerous by oneself." Then again, he had his magic while she didn't." He sighed. "I haven't really integrated into town; I can see it in your eyes, Sophie. It might be a bit hypocritical, but I was hoping you would find me." She frowned. "You didn't think to come find me?" she looked down. Yes, travel by oneself was dangerous in times like this without strong governmental oversight. But couldn't he feel her? She had felt him. Why would he not try to find her? It would have saved her a lot of pain and sorrow. All she had wanted was to be free of the living nightmare that had been the abuse from her youngest years in this lifetime. He could have saved her. Why hadn't hen? He squeezed her hands. "OfcourseI did, Sophie. I felt you the moment you were born, but I wasn't equipped to handle a baby-don't forget formula doesn't exist here." He frowned. "But you disappeared shortly after that. You were shielded somehow. Do you know why that might be? It's only been in the past year I've felt you again. You were already on your way, so I figured staying in one place would be better than metryingtofindyouand elongating the time apart. Does that make sense?" She nodded and wracked her brain. Why wouldn't he have been able to feel her? Then again, without her magic, she hadn't been able to feel what ward sor other concealment magics kept away prying eyes. "Honestly, probably some sort warding or other concealment magic. This family wanted prying eyes kept away. And I guess staying in one place does make sense." It was so frustrating that it seemed like the Arcanum Lords or some other force conspired to keep th mm apart some lifetimes. She still had no idea what she'd do when he died this lifetime... He was already older than her by far and she dreaded the day that came to pass. "That would make sense unfortunately. I'm really sorry. I would have if I could." He leaned forward then stopped. "can I kiss your forehead?" Her heart fluttered at the question. He was so good to her... There was a reason she wanted to always be by his side. She her chest for a moment, but she forced it down. She didn't want nodded and he placed a soft kiss on her brow. Panic welled up in this taken away from her. She needed the affection after everything she'd been through. Her rapists had given her gentle affection after assaulting her to show how much they 'loved' her. She didn't want to let them win and take away something Oneias had always given to her. She needed it-desperately. And, right now.she really did after having spent so long in the Nightmare Abyss. He looked at her. "Are you okay, Sophie? You felt awfully tense." She shook her head. "Even the gentle affection is triggering, but I don't want to have it taken from me. Our rituals are one thing; we've reworked those numerous times and I'm not averse to doing it again if needed. But Iwon'tlose the affection." she was resolute on that. She wouldn't let them take away the affection she so desperately adored from Oneias. It might be triggering, but she wanted it and even needed it. She wouldn't let her abusers take it away from her. He gently squeezed her hands again. "Okay, but if something is too triggering for you, let me know?" She nodded, but she knew she'd struggle. Having her voice ignored, dismantled, and stripped away for her entire life would take time to repair. But she also knew Oneias would do everything in his power to help rebuild her. Brick by brick, word by word. He would never waver in his desire to help her. She loved him deeply and knew he felt the same. But that love was probably also the reason he was suggesting they branch out. The love wouldn't dry up. No, she knew it wouldn't. But he could and would burnout if he had to be the only one shouldering her pain. It was his love and care for her that made him want to be sure she was cared for. She sighed. I'm sorry, Onay. I was being selfish." He blinked. "Huh?" "With not wanting to trust others. It's your love for me that made you want to make sure I have a support system in place for when you're gone." She was so selfish for not recognising it earlier. This lifetime hadn't been normal for either of them. Trauma was normal, but the amount was abnormal. Well, maybe less so for him, but for her... It was a lot of trauma that would take a long time to heal. Her best bet really was the Weavers of Continuance,but she didn't want to be tormented in her next life by memories of this one. She'd be tormented enough and having those memories follow her evenmoreheavily wasn't something she wanted or needed. She understood the need for punishment, but it was so hard when she needed help and there was none in this lifetime. Oneias nodded and reached for her before stopping. "You're right about that, Sophie. I want you to be supported and not be too lonely while you wait to be reborn again. After what happened to you, I now it'll be hard for you to wait. You don't deserve to suffer in the next life only because you wanted help from the Weavers. Can I touch your cheek?" Tears welled in her eyes and she nodded. "Thank you for thinking ahead, Onay." She was so stuck in what had happened to her and get-ing back to him that the future hadn't been a worry to her. The future was here now and she needed to make plans. Without him here. she knew she would struggle. She still didn't want to build bonds with non-Awakened, but he seemed to think it was for the best. She ought to defer to his judgement since the abuse had skewed her own so badly. He cupped her cheek and gently stroked it. "How about we ◦into town tomorrow and start meeting people? I know some faces from market days, but not much beyond that. Sound good?" She leaned into the gentle caressing and nodded. "Okay." It would be so hard to forge bonds with people that would forget them in the next life. There was a reason they usually avoided it. But she probably would kill herself if she didn't have a support network. He didn't have much time left at fifty-five. Maybe another twenty years if he were lucky. She would be alive without him for decades to come. Hopefully the Weavers would let him stay on the Echoed Plane so they could reincarnate together. They normally wouldn't, but she hoped that they would make an exception in this case. They fell silent and held hands until the soup finished. She drank the broth as best she could, but her stomach revoked even at that she stopped when she felt she might vomit. She returned to their room and curled up,cradling the Lunatheris feather to hopefully prevent herself from entering the Nightmare Abyss again.