wanderer's lullaby

Qrow looked up when he heard the door open and Yang ruby walked in. Yang looked around, her brows furrowed. “Where’s Raven?” Oh shit, that was right; he hadn’t told Yang about this particular plan. With everything going on, telling her had slipped his mind. “Oh, uh, she kinda moved into the house a little early so we can have somewhere to hunt the birds.” He felt the rising anger in her aura and held a hand up. “She hasn’t left-left, Yang. If you wanna talk to her, she’s only a call away. It can stay as a call or she can portal over. SHe isn’t running away from you.” Yang was a spitfire and a half. She definitely had her grandfather’s temper… Neither Raven, Summer, Taiyang, nor himself flew off the handle like she did. She had definitely gotten that trait from Fallon, loathe as he was to admit it. “We still have a conversation to finish.” Her voice was harsh and her eyes shifted to red for a moment. But she released it with a breath and looked around. “Where’s Winter?” “Resting. She ain’t been sleepin’ too well since arriving here in Vale. We also went on a decent horseback ride today, so she’s pretty tuckered out for now. Why? Ya got somethin’ ya need from her?” He tilted his head to the side. Did Yang need Winter for something? Yang shook her head. “No; I was just wondering.” He did look at her, though. “By the way, I’m taking Winter out for her birthday tomorrow including dinner, so we won’t be here in the evening. Thought I’d let you know so you aren’t confused why we’re gone. Kinda wish I could include you and Rubes, but with how Winter is…” He trailed off. Winter wasn’t one to really want a lot of people around, at least from what he understood of her. She was incredibly private and distrustful of people in general. If it were her sister, it might be one thing. But the nieces-in-law that she barely knew? It was probably best to keep it to him and her. Plus, he did have some other plans with her earlier in the day… He’d have to pull the girls out of school if he wanted them to come. Yang nodded. “That’s all right, Uncle Qrow. She had it pretty rough since arriving here in Vale. She deserves to have a nice day with you. Plus, she is your wife. You shouldbe spending time with her if she wants to.” She grimmed a moment later. “You can spoil her like you did Mom.” Qrow flushed at that. Yeah, he’d spoiled Summer pretty hard when she’d been alive. But she’d deserved it. She had known so little growing up… She’d had even less than the hunter-gatherer Branwen tribe. All of their physical needs had been met while Summer might go a week or more without eating… She had almost nothing for much of her life. “Yeah… Winter deserves some spoiling too…” Sure, Winter had had her basic physical needs met her whole life, but emotionally… She had known almost nothing but anguish and abuse. He wanted to give her some good memories from now on. It felt like she was finally start to trust him, but it was so incredibly fragile. If he messed up now, he might never regain her trust. She still suspected the worst of him; she’d made that morethan clear with the intimacy fear. He really wasn’t interested in that in the first place, so she didn’t have to worry there… She was still a kid when compared to him and Raven… She was only a few years older than Yang. “Anyway, I’m gonna go get started on my homework. The teacher gave us an unreasonable amount.” Yang made a face and Qrow sighed. “Definitely don’t miss those days.” While there were a lot of reasons he wished he could go back to the Beacon days, school was not one of them. He despised traditional learning. His teachers as a child had been the trees and lakes, animals and plants. All of it had been hands on. He could still remember Dove showing him the difference between edible plants and ones that could kill. It had been a magical time in some respects especially when compared to the stark reality of his life now. Yang took Ruby’s hand and led her upstairs, leaving Qrow alone. He sighed. He already missed his sister horribly. Being with her at Persia’s again had been like a dream come true. But now, she felt a lifetime away again…

α

The scene suddenly shifted from her apartment to a much different house. Somebody sat on the couch: a woman with red and black hair in a white cloak. “Hey, Winter; it’s time to wake up.” “Huh?” That voice… It was familiar. “Summer?” What was shedoing here? She’d been locked in her apartment and now she was somewhere unfamiliar. Well it felt like she’d seen this place before but she couldn’t put her finger on it. “Qrow’s been knocking for the past fice minutes. You need to wake up.” Qrow? Oh, right, him. But why would he be— And the room disappeared in that moment as her eyes opened. Oh. Apparently Summer had invaded her dreams to try to wake her. They had been in the Patch living room but with different furniture and layout… She hadn’t recognised it due to still being mentally stuck in her previous dream. She’d been trapped in her apartment, somebody banging at the door to try to get in. And all she could do was hide in the close while the banging continued. She shuddered and pushed the nightmare away. She heard banging on Summer’s door and froze, the color draining from her cheeks. “Hey, Winter, you up yet? You need to eat then head to work.” It was Qrow’s voice. Thankfully, the banging stopped. She got up and cracked the door. “I’m up.” She felt her voice quieter than she intended. Had his banging triggered the memory of the incident at her apartment? All she wanted to do was curl up and stay tucked in the room. The memory of being trapped in her apartment wasn’t fun. She felt more drained now than before she’d went to sleep. But she had an obligation to uphold, so she’d go do it. Qrow did look at her through the small crack. “Winter, if you aren’t aren’t up to going, don’t push yourself. Vale values mental health. We don’t want employees doing their jobs if they’re not at their best.” “I’ll be fine.” Her stomach twisted, so she knew she wouldn’t be eating until she probably got back. She would notbe able to hold anything down if she ate right now. She really knew her body well enough for that. She could handle stocking things since it wasn’t a mentally taxing job. All she had to do was match things to where they went. It was simple. It would be easy to do. She heard Qrow sigh but he moved out of the way of the door. “By the way, have you looked into Vale psychiatry yet?” The question did take her aback, but she gave a small nod. “The AI helped me. Unfortunately, I…don’t think I have too much of a choice at this point.” She really didn’t want to turn her psyche over to some stranger. It felt wrong. She had managed everything thus far by herself pretty well. But the nightmares were draining her. She was at the point she didn’t want to sleep anymore. Especially after the one Summer had intruded on and Qrow had likely triggered. She did notwant to relive that horrible memory in her dreams again. She really hated all of this. Qrow folded his arms and nodded. “I’ll talk to Ramone in a bit, then. Her practice is probably closed by this point in the day, but I have her personal number. I think this constitutes an emergency.” Winter sighed. She really didn’t want to do this. But it was draining her and fast.She couldn’t really rely on Raven and Summer to keep her nightmares about bay forever. Especially not SUmmer who had a very limited capacity of energy to run on. “Very well.” She retreated back into the room and retrieved the keys she’d been given as well as Hylocereus. With as rough as she was feeling, she would probably draw the Grimm in. They would at least be no real threat, but still, best to be prepared for the inevitable approach of the wicked monsters. She looked at Pechica. “Want to come?”Might as well invite him. He would need to learn his way around Patch… Pechicha’s ears twitched a bit and he looked up at her. “Where are we going? It’s going to get dark in a few hours—we shouldn’t be out at night. The kamuy will get mad if we’re out at night.”He whined and his ears went back. She wasn’t sure what to say to this. She didn’t believe in the Holy Father, let alone the tribe’s kamuy. She had met a literal goddess earlier that day but she still didn’t have any belief in a deity. It’s not like she was going to turn around and start worshiping a deity. She didn’t need divine intervention in her life. She got on her knees and petted his head. “I don’t believe in those things like you and your tribe do, Pechicha. For me, night is a time like any other. It doesn’t have any special meaning. If you don’t want to go, I won’t make you, but I thought I’d invite you so you could start to learn your way around.”She spoke to him gently, trying to not upset him. Those things meant nothing to her. Gods had no say in her world. Celcaecyal might exist, but she had no so in Winter’s life. That’s what it came down to. Pechicha whined again but he got up and padded over to the door. She hadn’t pushed him or at least she didn’t think she had. But she followed him to the door and looked up at Qrow. “Why does he believe the kamuy will be mad if he’s outside at night?” She was so very confused by the tribe’s beliefs. Atlas was apparently the most religious nation, but most people she’d met had no real belief. They went to chapel on holidays but that was about it. Winter hadn’t even bothered with that much since leaving Schnee manor. She hated religious services and would do anything to avoid them. Qrow scratched his head. “Ah, yeah… The tribe is particularly religiou. One of our beliefs says that the worlds of the mortals and the kamuy run on opposite times. So when mortals are awake, the kamuy are asleep, and vice versa. So we’re not really supposed to go outside when the kamuy are awake and working.” How strange. All of this was incredibly odd for her. But like Dove had pointed out, neither of them could really picture living the other’s lifestyle. They headed downstairs and Winter sat in the living room. She did notfeel hungry so she wouldn’t even bother trying to eat. Qrow settled in the chair then dialed a number on his scroll. He started talking o somebody but she paid it no attention. Though it didn’t take long until the world started to feel…fuzzy. She wasn’t sure how to describe it. But it felt like she was looking at the world through water. It didn’t feel quite real. It wasn’t a complete mental shutdown, but she was definitely not fully present in the world. Eventually, she saw Qrow get off the call. He stood over her then extended a hand. “I reallydon’t think you should go tonight, Winter. You’re dissociating. I can feel it in your aura.” “Dis…?” What did that mean? She would be fine. She’d worked through much worse in her life. A little bit of separation from the world wouldn’t stop her. What did he mean though? She had neve heard that word before. “Can I sit on the couch?” His voice sounded a little further away than it had before. What was going on? Why wasn’t the world feeling real anymore? She felt panic to start to rise in her chest. This feeling was getting worse the more she talked about it and that familiar crushing sensation in her chest— She saw Qrow put a hand on her shoulder and warmth cut through the water and crushing panic. Her breaths came in short gasps. The calm warmth was good, but she still shuddered beneath the disconnection and the general panic. Her whole body shook violent as she curled in on herself. “Hey, Winter. Sync your breaths with my counts, okay?” She looked up at him, breaths extremely short. But she nodded and did her best. Eventually, the panic receded but she remained curled in a small ball. She was exhausted. What little rest she’d had was now cancelled out. She closed her eyes and rested against him since there was no point in not. He needed to maintain contact with her so he could keep his aura wrapped around her. She heard him call and talk to somebody else but she didn’t really listen in. But the call clicked off shortly and he gave her a soft squeeze. “I called and he let you take the night off. You’re in no shape to be wandering through the woods by yourself.” Some part of her did feel like she might get lost if she did try to go. This was so unfitting for her, though. Why would the world not feel real? What was going on? “What’s dissociation?” She really didn’t understand. This kinda felt like after what had happened after the incident in her apartment. But there, she had completely lost herself. She’d lost hours of time to whatever that had been. This… It just felt like she was looking at the world through plastic wrap or water. It was so very unnerving and she didn’t like it. She felt him give her another soft squeeze. “Basically, your mind disconnects from reality in some way. In your case this time, it’s called derealisation which means your mind has disconnected from the world. There are more types than that, though.” He kissed her head and she sighed. “It’s a stress response when your mind engages when you’re too overwhelmed. Was there anything that could have caused it?” “…I think you banging on the door triggered the memory of what happened at my apartment.” There was no accusation, only observation. It wasn’t like either of them could’ve known this would happen. She had told him to wake her up… Well, at least she’d agreed to let him do so. Him touching her while she slept definitelywould have triggered her, though. She saw him flinch. “Sorry, snowy. I did knock pretty hard cuz you weren’t responding…” “I though it would be fine too. I’m usually a light sleeper…” It usually wasn’t that hard to wake her. She was apparently entirely worn out from the nightmares at this point. She was really trying to function, but her mind was shutting down on her. This wasn’t something she could easily will her way through like so many other things. She needed to always be aware so she couldn’t be taken advantage of somehow. “You definitely strike me as the light sleeper tight too. But if I need to get you up again, I’ll have Summer do it, okay? We don’t need me triggering you like this again.” All Winter could do was nod numbly. That was probably the best solution. She didn’t need any touching her while she was asleep. That was asking for disaster. She was a trained warrior that would attack if provoked. Her time in the upper class had really driven into her how unsafe it was to be touched in general. “That’s…probably the best course of action.” Summer wouldn’t really touchher. She would invade her dreams to wake her up…somehow. She didn’t really understand how that worked. But it was the best solution… She didn’t want to hurt Yang, Ruby, or Raven if they were the messenger. She didn’t want to shoot them, so to speak. “Is there any way to get me out of this…?” She really didn’t like this. She felt incredibly vulnerable. She didn’t even really want to move from this position. It felt like too much effort and like it would leave her even more vulnerable. “I know one way but we’d have to go outside for it.” Winter frowned at his words. That meant moving. But if it’d get her out of this state… “All right.” Qrow shifted and stood up, offering his hand to her. She took it and her body wanted to rebel. It didn’t want to move. It was a lock down of sorts and her body did notwant to obey her. But she kept moving anyway, following him out of the house. The hot, sticky air assaulted her but she really paid it no need. He sat at the base of a tree and patted the spot next to him. She settled down hand he offered his hand again. “It’ll make this easier.” She nodded a little and took it. “I know this is asking a lot of trust, but can you close your eyes.” That definitely gave her pause. She could see he had her best intents at heart, but this felt like a pretty far leap. It would leave her unable to see him coming for her if he decided now was the time he wanted to make good on his privileges. She was trusting him a bit but this felt like a majorstretch… She let out a sigh and closed her eyes. Qrow gently squeezed her hand and she felt him talking almost…internally to her. It wasn’t verbal; it resonated through her very soul. All right, Winter. Follow my counts with your breaths. Relax. You’re gonna feel some strange sensations most likely. I want you to go with what you feel, okay?It felt so strange to have somebody’s voice reverberate through her like this… She managed a small nod and though Okayin response. She felt him start to count and synced her breasts with the rhythm. After a bit, it felt like her body grew heavy while her mind almost separated from it. It wasn’t in the same way as the dissociation was. It was really difficult to fully describe. Part of her wanted to panic, but she could feel Qrow’s aura wrapped around her. It was hard to panic when that was combined with whatever else was going on. After a little longer, she could almost start to…see the environment around her. She was aware of the tree behind her and the ground beneath her. She could make it out faintly despite her eyes being closed. Heh, good job, snowy. You picked up this quick. Qrow’s comment startled her and she almost opened her eyes. She had reallyleaned into this…whatever it was. It had really calmed her down. She felt Qrow squeeze her hand and he relayed another comment to her. If you want to stop now, you can. Winter nodded and opened her eyes. The world almost seemed more vibrant than it had before. “What…was that?” She really had no idea what she’d just been through. “It’s called meditation. It’s a way to ground yourself and expand your consciousness. It’s the base of advanced aura.” Ah, so this was what Summer and Dove had been talking about awhile ago. Still… She was glad she didn’t feel dissociated anymore. That…was one of the worst things she had ever experienced. She had kept her wits about her even at Gelé’s absolute worst. So to be triggered into losing her connection with the world… “So I see…” He had said likely wouldn’t be able to get high in the Grades if she decided to pursue advanced aura. “What’s grounding?” She had never heard that term before. It was yet another thing for her to apparently learn about… “Basically the ability to return to and focus on the present moment. When you’re dissociated, you aren’t grounded. There are different ways to ground other than meditation, of course. I’ve just been doin’ this since I was a kid, so it’s the easiest way to me.” Qrow gave her hand another squeeze, and she returned it. She was normally focused in the present moment, but she had completely drifted with that thanks to the triggering. She had thought it would be fine, but she knew better now… It really was obnoxious. She did see Qrow rub the back of his neck with his free hand. “Do you want to rest more? If so, I get it. If not…maybe we could dance a bit?” She blinked and turned to look at him. Dance? They had done that a couple of times before… She smiled a bit despite herself. “Sure.” She did enjoy it but she’d never had a good partner outside of her dance teacher. The men in Atlas didn’t give a damn about the art. Women were expected to be able to dance perfectly while the men were expected to only do the bare minimum. It was yet another thing that frustrated her beyond words. Yet another double standard for Atlas on top of all of the other bullshit they forced on women. Qrow stood up and offered her a hand. “And we don’t have to stick to the waltz either. I can teach you non-Atlassian styles. That sound good?” Winter took his hand and stood up, then nodded. “Actually, that does.” She hated the waltz with a passion and she’d never learned the bolero. Plus, she honestly didn’t want to learn the bolero, not right now at least. It was intimate and she definitely wasn’t in the proper mindset to learn something intimate after what had happened… They headed inside and Qrow pushed the coffee table against the couch, then stretched a bit. “So I was thinking the foxtrot might not be a bad place to start with non-Atlassian styles. It’s not overly energetic which will be good for you right now.” Yeah, something not too crazy or intimate would be best. So she nodded. “All right.” She hesitated a bit before stepping up close to him. She felt her heartbeat increase but she forced her breathing to be calm. This was also asking a fair bit, now that she thought about it. But she did enjoy dancing when she had a good partner. He’d already more than proven he could dance well. “Can I put my hands where I need to so we can dance?” Winter nodded, taking in a slightly shaky breath. She held her arms up and he adjusted his grip. It was incredibly light and only tight enough to keep her in place. It was more than a little nerve wracking to be so close to a man that could harm her. He could so easily take advantage of her right now. He started to walk her through the basic steps. She did stumble and fumble through the basic steps. “Sorry… It does take me a while to pick up new skills…” She wasn’t like her sister who could learn new skills quickly. She had to fight and practice until she reached perfection. It had to be frustrating to deal with somebody so subpar. “Naw, it’s fine. You’re no different than the next person in that regard. Most people ain’t Summer where they can pick up complex skills like ballroom after only a few sessions. Don’t worry about it too much.” He squeezed her hand and she nodded a bit. She should be better than this though… She was supposed to be perfect at everything. It was always frustrating when her skills didn’t match up to her own standards. She really ought to be better than this. After a while of fumbling and futzing, he gently nudged her closer. “I doubt either of us really care for it, but how about a simple waltz to end things off with?” She abhorred the waltz after how Atlas had tarnished things, though… She nodded and shifted into waltz position, though she rested her head against his chest. He started to move and she followed without much issue. It was completely ingrained in her muscle memory by this point. However, this was slower than a normal waltz. It wasn’t too hard to keep up with, though. “You really are quite the spectacular dancer, Winter.” He squeezed her gently but she shrugged. “I learned because I had to. And I didn’t pick up the foxtrot right away.” How could anybody compliment her dancing after seeing that pitiful display? She didn’t even have the basic steps down yet. It’d probably take her months to even be remotelypassable. She’d needed Qrow to fuss over her almost every second. She wasn’t a talented dancer in the slightest. “You’re not Summer. It’s unfair to hold yourself if to such high standards. You’re a normal person when it comes to learning. Be kinder to herself.” He spoke gently and rested her head against hers. He didn’t understand… He could never understand. Kindness meant being taken advantage of and not learning things quickly enough had consequences. EIther she learned and perfected things or she suffered. There was no in between. She hadto be perfect. There was no other recourse. “I think my standards are perfectly fine.” He didn’t say anything in regards to that. “I’m glad you enjoy dancing, though. It’s been waytoo long since I’ve had a good partner.” That probably meant Summer… “Same. Those pigs in Atlas wouldn’t know good dancing if it bit them in the ass.” They really wouldn’t. She’d met a few men that could dance well, but they were pretty few and far between. The general was one of the few, but outside of that? Yeah, they often stomped on her feet at absolute best. She’d had partners completely topple over on her before. Some just could notget their bulk to move in sync with the music or even really move at all. Atlassian men were abysmal dancers… “Well, as long as you’re up to it, we can dance whenever you want to, snowy.” She gently wrapped his arms around her, a soft, light touch. They rested in the small of her back. It was a veryimproper waltz posturing, but she didn’t push him away. He wasn’t doing anything grossly inappropriate. It was a hug and nothing more. Those Atlassian pigs would have tried to grope her but…it was a hug. She could recognise that much. “I’ll probably take you up on that.” She had always wanted a good dance partner aside from her teacher, but she had never found one. Not that she would marry a man simply because he knew how to dance. That would be incredibly short sighed and stupid. But having accidentally stumbled on one… She wouldn’t complain. She would gladly dance with him. Plus, the foxtrot seemed like it would be fun to learn. With that, they both fell silent. Winter was used to silence with Coco and the general, but nobody else really. It was strange but not unwelcome, so was dancing a waltz in somebody’s arms. But it was far from bad. It was simply different. Eventually, though, she yawned and felt her head start to bob. It wasn’t super late in the night but the dissociation on top of the lack of sleep… She was really starting to feel the effects of both. “Want me to call Rae so you can go to bed?” She looked up at him and nodded reluctantly. “If you wouldn’t mind.” She didn’t want to stop dancing, but her body was telling her it was time to sleep. He gave her a gentle squeeze, then released her. “I’ll call her. Go get ready for bed.” She nodded and headed upstairs. She quickly got ready then curled up on the bed. She heard Pechicha’s nails clicking on the hardwood and he laid on the floor. Eventually, Raven came up and put her to sleep, the night like an owl’s wing.