The Shatters of Black Stars

Mikasa snapped the lock shut and rushed upstairs to her room. Her still-unmade bed greeted her burning face with its velvety bedspread. She was thoroughly sick of all this. Fighting herself and her own feelings was unbearable. She had wanted to see Levi so badly, had craved his touch so much, but he had ruined everything. And how could he put her in such danger? How could he just show up at her house? He knew, he understood that he was being sought, and instead of waiting until they could meet again, he came running to her home! What if the neighbours had seen him? Mikasa couldn’t even imagine the gossip that would start. And what if someone told Eren? How disappointed would he be in her if he thought that while he was away, she was receiving men in their house? Oh, goddesses… Eren was already unhappy about the flowers, and now this on top of it… Mikasa wanted to somehow justify Levi, but experience had taught her that men never do anything without a reason. He just wanted to get what he wanted; he probably just hoped that Mikasa wouldn’t be able to refuse him if he caught her alone at home. She simply couldn’t believe that he was really so worried about her that he couldn’t control himself and came just to see her, despite the danger of being caught. That’s nonsense. And then there’s this jealousy of his! Mikasa clutched a pillow in her hands, turning onto her back. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to pull herself together. There’s nothing even between them! What right does he have to ask her such brazen questions? She never promised him anything, and he knew she didn’t live alone. Of course, she doesn’t want Eren to know she associates with a criminal. For some reason, Mikasa had thought he was different. Although the only thing that distinguished him from other men was a persistence unusual for them. No matter how many times she refused him, he kept coming back to her. Mikasa didn’t understand him. What did he want with her? And if he really is such a dangerous criminal, why didn’t he just take advantage of the situation? She wanted to believe that he really was different. After all, he had never harmed her. Quite the opposite, in fact… How stupid she was! There’s a limit to how many times you can act fool. She didn’t understand herself anymore. She both wanted and didn’t want to go back to the time when her thoughts were occupied only by Eren. He is constantly in danger. She never knows what’s happening with him. He almost never writes her letters, and everything she knows, she finds out from Armin. Eren only talks to her when he comes on leave, which happens very rarely. And even on those days, they often argue. How tired she was of this. Eren seemed to do everything specifically to be as far away from her as possible. Levi, on the other hand… Mikasa released the pillow from her hands. She was ready to give him a chance. If only he weren’t so persistent and arrogant. Maybe, if she had only let him, he would have explained himself, but Mikasa showed him the door. The truth was, she was afraid of him. Of his persistence, and of his past, about which she knew almost nothing. And Mikasa was sure she didn’t even want to know. He’s a criminal, she wouldn’t stop telling herself that. She had never seen his other side and was wary of it. What is he like when he’s angry? Mikasa didn’t want to find out. But she had to give him credit—he was extremely patient with her. Despite all the doubts, she still wanted to give him a chance. Yes, it’s stupid. She was afraid to let someone into her life who would trample her. But could Levi truly harm her? “You’re a complete fool if you think he can’t,” Mikasa said out loud and forced herself to get up from the bed with an effort of will. She wiped the tears from her cheeks, shook her head. Yes, she was a fool. Because despite everything that happened, she could have let Levi stay. She was ready to open up, to give him what he wanted so badly. She was just scared again. Also for him. Mikasa walked discontentedly to the bathroom. She had enough problems. Her heart had suffered enough. And if Levi wants to be with her, he needs to learn when to stop. And if he disappears from her life now… Well. It would only make things simpler for her. Streams of warm water relaxed her body, calmed her thoughts, helping to bring them into some semblance of order. First and foremost, she had to think about herself. She had been counting heavily on the money from the previous concert, but because of the police interrogation, she couldn’t perform and, of course, wasn’t paid. She wouldn’t starve, but money was extremely tight. She needed to somehow get by until the next concert, but now she wasn’t so sure that something unforeseen wouldn’t happen next time either. How many people envied her, watching her on stage, standing in sparkling outfits under the bright light of hundreds of candles? They had no idea that they didn’t pay her in gold bars or diamonds, and most of the money went to expensive concert dresses. Stupid? Yes. But she needed to maintain an image. No one would watch a scrub who comes on stage in the same dress for the third, fourth time… Mikasa altered old dresses, stored them in dressing room closets, waiting for the sophisticated audience to forget about them so she could wear something old again. But even so, she usually had enough money. She lived well, especially with the help of Armin and Eren, but they had plenty of their own worries, and she didn’t want to add them another—her being short on money. Eren wasn’t happy with what she did anyway, and it was better not to give him a reason to suspect that, sometimes, things weren’t as glamorous as she made them out to be. Let him continue not knowing. It was better for everyone. What was she to do? She would also like to save up some money in case she really had to go to the barracks. They certainly wouldn’t pay much for that. Of course, in the worst-case scenario, she could write to Eren, but she’d have to tell him a lot of things he was better off not hearing. He would start asking questions that Mikasa didn’t want to answer. Warm water trickled down her body as Mikasa thought of how to manage on her own. She could go sing in bars again. Hadn’t she done that not so long ago? It was just… scary after that incident with Levi. Yes, she could be as brave as she wanted, and she had seen all sorts of things at the beginning of her career, but after almost getting riddled with bullets, she promised herself she would never work in bars again. Mikasa remembered herself a few years ago. Watching rich singers, dressed in beautiful dresses, riding in carriages with neat, pleasant men, and wanting to become like them someday. To become free. Only she didn’t know back then the price of that “freedom”. Mikasa turned off the water, wrapping herself in a towel. She dried her hair, washed her face. It was time to push her fears deeper. No more shying away from low, cramped stages. She would visit her previous employers. Mikasa was sure they wouldn’t refuse her work. She would manage on her own. Without outside help. The main thing was that no one find out. Especially Eren.

⸻・⸻ ♤ ⸻・⸻

Levi was in no hurry to go home. He wandered through the sleeping city at dusk. He didn’t want to return to the mustiness of his own dwelling. He was drawn back, towards the light, towards Mikasa. He wanted to go back, despite everything, but he couldn’t make an even bigger fool of himself. This couldn’t go on any longer. He needed her, she had sunk into his soul so deeply that uprooting her was no longer possible. Levi sighed heavily. It was time to decide on something. Did he want her? Then he had to fight to the end. If he couldn’t let go, couldn’t forget, then he had to keep trying. Find a way that wouldn’t push her away, but draw her closer. It would be easier if he could know for sure what Mikasa felt for him. Interest—that was clear. But after their last meeting, she might have started to fear him. And truth be told, she probably should. Only Levi didn’t want that at all. He was also tired of being cautious, but he still couldn’t figure out how to approach the matter without pushing her away. After wandering through the sleepy streets a bit longer, he finally headed home.

⸻・⸻ ♤ ⸻・⸻

The house was deathly silent. Levi was used to it, but he still remembered with longing the shabbier houses where he had tried to live with his friends. The walls there were so thin, and the doors closed so poorly, that you could hear every rustle from the neighbours. That had its advantages too. If unwelcome guests came, you could make a quick escape. Now everything had changed. Levi had become a different person. Calmer. Stronger. He wasn’t afraid of any guests anymore, and he had no one to protect. And no one would dare bother him. The silence around wasn’t due to thick walls, but because no one dared start trouble right under Levi’s nose. Would he intimidate his woman so much that she’d be afraid to even squeak around him? Levi flopped onto the bed, covering his eyes with his hand. That was exactly what he didn’t want. Not with Mikasa. One-night girls were fine entertainment. They’d seen it all and weren’t afraid of anything. He remembered the very first such encounter. Kenny had taken him to one of those seedy places because he thought it was time for Levi to become a man. Levi remembered how ashamed he was, how he didn’t want to hear all those sounds, the slaps, the moans, how he wanted to remove those strange hands and lips from himself. But disgracing himself in front of his uncle would have been worse. Back then, he couldn’t really say no. Then he got used to it. Up there, people liked to pretend that sex was something shameful. Down here, they gave themselves to him without shame or embarrassment and wallowed in the filth, not hiding their pleasure. Both men and women—all equally mired in it. He himself was no different from them. And he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t taken advantage of the opportunity. He was used to buying sex. It was easier that way. No one would refuse you, no one would laugh in your face if you weren’t to their taste. Levi could hardly imagine what it was like to court a woman. There was just no need. Up there, he wouldn’t have had a chance anyway, and down here, he never had to ask twice. That’s why he had failed so miserably again. Flowers? He had brought them. Help? He had helped. But it was all wrong. So this is what it feels like when you start to fall in love? He lay on the bed, staring at the dark ceiling, his thoughts constantly circling back to Mikasa. Her image haunted him. He reconstructed her features bit by bit, still unstudied, blurred, but invariably beautiful. Her grey eyes, her sweet, round face, her plump pink lips. Levi imagined running his finger over them, pulling her to him, kissing her, her moving lower, touching his belt, looking up at him with those huge, doe-like eyes. His cock had been hard for a while, demanding attention, and Levi ran his hand over the fabric, imagining other, foreign, female hands caressing him gently and tenderly. Freeing himself from his trousers, he moved his hand up and down without restraint, squeezing tighter, imagining those tender lips in place of his fingers. Great. Jerking off. This thought almost broke his concentration, but Levi hastily finished what he started, throwing his hand aside in disgust. He should go take a shower, but somehow he had no strength. He was drained, tormented by feelings that had previously been inaccessible to him. Maybe find someone similar? Just to relieve this tension? No. He couldn’t. It wouldn’t be enough. Mikasa wouldn’t let him go. And what’s worse—he didn’t want to be let go.

⸻・⸻ ♤ ⸻・⸻

“I was starting to think you wouldn’t agree,” Erd took a drag of his cigarette, releasing a cloud of grey smoke into the evening air. “Why?” “Well, you know… You’re so obsessed with that singer of yours that I thought you wouldn’t even look at others.” Levi smirked. His words weren’t that far from the truth. Obsession—that was a good word to call it. It accurately reflected what was boiling inside him. “Could use a distraction.” “That’s for sure.” Erd had invited him to unwind a couple of days ago. At first, Levi didn’t want to go. He needed to think about the serum, go check on Kenny, and he was constantly thinking about how to behave with Mikasa. But staying cooped up in his kennel would have been really bad. Levi was at least aware of that. He needed to relax. Spend a few days with a clear head. Allow himself to calm down. Erd wouldn’t have been able to relax in his own bar. And upstairs, there were many nice little places where you could drop in for an evening and have a drink. A flimsy door swayed in the draft. The air was thick with the smoke of cheap cigarettes. Levi, although he frequented such places, couldn’t shake the feeling that everything he touched was sticky. It was so dirty all around. Musicians crowded the stage. Some woman with a raspy, smoke-laden voice droned on mournfully with a ballad. Levi wanted to clean out his ears. He sat with his back to the stage, so at least he wouldn’t have to meet the singer’s gaze. Erd, on the other hand, didn’t seem bothered by anything. Not long ago, Levi would have perceived this howling as background noise and paid it no attention, immersed in conversation, but something in him had changed greatly in the short time he had spent with Mikasa. She was ruining not only his thoughts but also the pleasure of going to bars. Great. Just great. “You know, next time, better without the music…” “Too old for you, huh?” Erd smirked, and Levi was about to answer, but the conversations suddenly died down, and he had to remain silent. The music became smoother, calmer. Levi leaned back in his chair, relaxing. The concert was apparently over, and the howling from the stage would no longer disturb him. Lowering his voice, Levi exchanged a couple of jokes with Erd, reaching for his glass, bringing it to his lips, when suddenly a gentle, quiet voice poured from the stage. Levi didn’t turn around. He froze with the glass of alcohol, staring ahead, but Erd’s eyes said it all for him. “First of all, what the hell…” Levi whispered, turning his head slightly towards the stage. He no longer trusted his ears. His eyes were harder to deceive. Mikasa was, as always, dazzling. This place suited her not at all. Dirty, stained by fingers, drinks, and glances, it seemed to defile her, yet she stood in the center of the stage as if nothing were wrong, as if she herself radiated light. Her red dress shimmered and sparkled. The same one she had worn at their first meeting. Some distraction. “Secondly, did you do this on purpose?” Levi turned back. Erd stared at him with wide eyes, spreading his hands. “I swear, I wouldn’t have even thought of it. And you know yourself, they don’t have playbills, this isn’t a concert hall.” Levi believed Erd. Just as he believed in coincidences, luck, or fate. But he wasn’t ready for this new encounter. He didn’t even look at Mikasa. Everything inside him was boiling so much that one glance at her could make him explode right now. Levi finally realised he was done for. Her voice gently caressed his consciousness. He enjoyed it. He couldn’t help but enjoy it. The simple song gladdened his soul, but he dared not look. She probably hadn’t even recognised him. Maybe that was for the best. He didn’t want to interrupt her performance, and for some reason, he thought that if she saw him, she would immediately fall silent. Mikasa sang several more songs. Levi was fiercely jealous of every man in that godforsaken bar. Every single one who could look at her calmly. He glared back at them, wanting to incinerate each one with his gaze, so much so that even Erd leaned across the table, slapping Levi on the shoulder. He would have given anything to return to his calm state from half an hour ago, but his heart was pounding like crazy, wildly pumping blood away from his head. The music died down. Levi turned around just once, just to get a little look at Mikasa, and at that very moment, she, still bowing to the applauding crowd of drunkards, lifted her head and cast a glance directly at him. Levi felt as if struck by lightning. Mikasa stared at him in surprise, frozen for a second before hastily leaving the stage. Damn, just so she doesn’t think he’s stalking her. Against his better judgment, he jumped up from his seat. He wanted to explain, and he no longer cared how it looked. “Hey, where are you going,” Erd tried to stop him, but he was already heading backstage. A man blocked his path, and Levi had to take a deep breath so the air would restore oxygen to his starved brain, which ordered him not to do anything illegal. “Can I help you?” the man asked, looking Levi over with displeasure. Clearly, he was trying to get somewhere he wasn’t invited. “To talk to Mikasa.” “Hah. Who doesn’t want that,” the man replied vaguely, then gave Levi an appraising look. “Wait a minute…” He squinted, as if trying to make out something. “I think I’ve seen you somewhere before…” “You’re mistaken,” Levi said, turning around. The last thing he needed was for someone to recognise him as Ackerman and tell the police. They probably wouldn’t do anything to him, but there would be a lot of commotion. Erd jumped up after him as Levi walked past, tossing a few coins on the table. “Calm down already. She’s gone, probably. Cool off,” Erd said, catching up to him. Levi knew that himself. “Do you realise how this looks to her? I can’t leave it like this.” “You’ll only make it worse. Is she the only woman in the world for you?” Levi’s look made Erd fall silent. “Do what you want,” he muttered. “But I warned you.” Levi burst out of the bar just in time. Mikasa, in her sparkling dress, flowing from under a light wrap, walked ahead, looking down at her feet. “Wait,” Levi said as she drew level with him. Mikasa flinched noticeably but didn’t answer, walking past. He wanted to stop her, pull her to him, but he restrained himself as best he could, merely following and catching up. “Look, I know how this looks, but I swear to you, I’m not following you. I was here by accident, I didn’t think you’d be singing in a place like this again.” Mikasa slowed down, turned to look at him, gave him a quick once-over, and turned away again. “Is that all? I have to go,” she said, then took another step forward. Levi told himself not to touch her, repeated that he should listen to Erd and not make things worse, but his body moved faster than he could think. Levi blocked her path, and Mikasa stopped again. “Don’t you think fate itself keeps throwing us together?” She looked at him, saying nothing, and Levi felt like a stupid teenager trying to get a pretty girl’s attention. He couldn’t read her thoughts, and his heart kept racing. Levi took a step towards her, approaching. “Mikasa, I…” He didn’t get to finish. A sharp slap echoed down the stone street. His cheek burned. Startled, Levi recoiled. Something inside him gave way. Was he really that repulsive to her? So sickening that he wasn’t even worth a few words? His face slowly relaxed, settling into its usual impassive, unreadable expression. The one he always put on when he didn’t want to reveal his feelings. He had lost. But that didn’t mean he would show it. He knew he had done something stupid again, but he wasn’t ready to accept this defeat. Mikasa looked at him in fright, nervously rubbing her palm. When she spoke again, her voice trembled. “You will let me leave quietly now. And you will not follow me. Otherwise, the police will learn everything I can tell them about you.” Levi didn’t want it to come to that. But his brains had long since boiled over from an excess of emotions. He shouldn’t have gone to her, shouldn’t have followed her now. But she already hated him, and there was nothing to be done. She was afraid of him. Now he could see it. Afraid that he would strike back, but Levi was ready to forgive her anything, as long as she kept looking only at him. He couldn’t understand her, but he understood perfectly well that he had been made a fool. He stepped aside, allowing Mikasa to pass. She hesitantly stepped forward, casting a sideways glance at him, as if expecting Levi to do something. His heart ached with longing. And to have messed everything up so badly. Mikasa took a more confident step, then another, and walked forward faster, moving further away. Levi stood and watched her go blankly. It was all over. He pressed his back against the cold stone wall to calm his thoughts. And then Mikasa stopped, and Levi felt hope flutter in his chest. Mikasa glanced back briefly: “Don’t look for me in places like this. That’s exactly where they’ll be waiting for you.” She said nothing more. The clatter of her heels echoed loudly down the street, mingling with the din of the noisy bar, until it faded around the corner. But for Levi, the world suddenly filled with color and the sound of music from the stage again. He felt immense relief and, finally truly relaxing, peeled himself away from the wall. Erd appeared from around the corner, his expression asking a silent question. “Let’s go back. The night’s just started,” Levi said, clapping him on the shoulder.