𝚂𝚔𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙷𝚒𝚜 𝙱𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚜: 𝙵𝚞𝚗 𝙶𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜

— Hello and welcome to our show "Bite, Lick, or Nothing!" — Skully greeted the audience on camera, and then began to introduce two new guests-participants one by one. — Meet the new contestants who will be competing with me. Mad Star. — The man in purple spandex smiled and waved his right hand. — And his best friend and partner Turbo Rider! — The dwarf with four tentacles smiled and waved his two right tentacles, like hands. — Hello to all of you from planet Earth! — says the astronaut. — Hello, hello. — says the dwarf. — Those who have already seen the previous episodes, already know the rules. And whoever refuses to perform the action, will undergo punishment. And today's punishment will be a whole hour of tickling with laughter without stopping. For this, we invited Dr. Screwball himself. I hope Uncle Wander does not find out about this! — Well, I don't think he'll mind, even though they're enemies. — Mad laughed quietly. — Okay. Let's get started! — Skully says confidently and swings his right fist from his shoulder. Suddenly he screams and grabs his shoulder. — OUCH!!! There you go! Pulled a bone muscle again!

***

— So. We're opening the first tray, ladies and gentlemen! - Skully says proudly, bowing, and opens the tray. Painted and multi-colored eggs were hidden inside. — Eggs?... Oh yeah, I forgot. Easter was a month ago! How could we miss this day? But since they gave us something like this, of course we'll try them. But first, as always, look at the signs. — The three looked up. "Lick!" appeared above Mad's head, "Bite off!" appeared above Skully's head, and "Nothing!" appeared above Turbo's head. — It's a pity I got "Nothing". I would like to try them. — freastard was sad. — Alas, it was not meant to be. Let's try them now. — the man answered and took one egg and licked it. — Ugh! Paint?... Why couldn't you just buy egg stickers and boil the eggs again with them? It wouldn't taste so disgusting. — It's okay, Mad. I'm sure they're still tasty inside. — the skeleton suggested, took a spoon, tapped it on another egg, breaking its shell and tried the white boiled egg. It was so tasty that the teenager smiled and ate it whole.

***

— The next tray is waiting for us to open it and we have... — after a pause of silence, Skully opens the tray, and inside was a blue ping-pong ball with the numbers "626" on it. — What is this? — I think it's a ping-pong ball! We have the same ones on Earth, only white. But I don't understand, why does it have the numbers six two and six on it? — Mad didn't understand. — Six two and six? Sounds like the number of the beast six six and six! — Turbo suggested. — Or six hundred and sixteen, like the original comic book universe in the Marvel multiverse. — the man added. — Okay, we'll figure it out later! Let's look at the signs! — Skully said and all three of them looked up. "Nothing!" appeared above Mad's head, "Lick!" above Skully's head, and "Bite off!" above Turbo's head. — Oh-oh! Looks like I'm going to have to lick this thing! The skeleton ran his tongue over the balloon. Suddenly, the balloon began to rise, grow, and glow with yellow flashes. The trio was amazed by this sight, as if they were watching a new sun being born. There was a flash and in the place of the balloon, a blue dog-like creature with four arms, beetle antennae on its head, and three elongated spikes on its back appeared. — Wow! Kumi-piko, alumalo damo qista! — the creature said smiling in its unknown language. Skully grabbed his skull in joy. — Holy shit! It's Stitch himself! Also known as one of Dr. Jumba Jookiba's experiments, number six hundred and twenty-six. — So that's why there were such numbers on that balloon! — Mad was surprised. — Yeah. Most likely, my saliva, since it is also liquid, freed him from that balloon. — So I have to bite him? I hope he won't be too upset with me? — freastard leaned over Stitch's back and lightly bit off his small fur on his back with his mandibles. The blue dog's eyes bulged, he became indignant, turned around and, showing his fists on both left hands, began to curse in a slightly broken, but understandable language for them: — Hey! What are you doing? I just combed all my fluffy fur a month ago! And you're biting it! Turbo spat out the bitten fur and said: — Sorry, doggie. Your fur wasn't tasty anyway. It wouldn't hurt you to wash yourself with soap in the bathroom. Stitch smiled and held out both right hands. — Thank you, kinsman! — he said. Turbo Rider hesitated a little, but held out both of his right tentacles and shook the experiment's hands with them.

***

— Third tray! What do we have there? — Skully opens it, and inside was a canister made from parts of a xenomorph's flint skin. Inside was acidic green blood. — What is this? I don't know what this crap is? — This is alien blood. More specifically, xenomorphs. I've seen movies about aliens. They have acid instead of blood. — the man explained. — Okay, look up! — "Bite!" appeared above Mad's head, "Lick!" appeared above Skully's head, and "Nothing!" appeared above Turbo's head. — Damn! I'll have to lick this goo. Basically, if I touch this acid with my tongue very quickly and lightly and then manage to quickly run to the kitchen sink to pour cold water on my tongue, the acid won't have time to corrode my tongue. The skeleton just thought about it, leaned over slightly and just dipped his tongue with a small tip into the green goo. Suddenly, the acid attacked the entire tip and began to hiss with bubbles, corroding his tongue. Skully was in so much pain that he screamed, standing still and unable to move. Mad and Turbo's eyes bulged in horror. The alien acid corroded Skully's tongue to the middle and stopped on its own. The pain went away and Skully looked at his damaged tongue in horror. — But no! I will not drink this liquid, so that it corrodes my lips and stomach, since this acid is so powerful! — Mad answered sternly and left. "Let me be tickled to death!" With these words, he went into the next room and was met there by a large banana with a mustache. — Oh! Here is the first test subject! Get ready to have fun without stopping. — He said and shot flying pink feathers from his cannon. They began to circle around the man and tickle him, making him laugh. He laughed for a long time, falling down and clutching his stomach.

***

      Skully's tongue was whole and unharmed, and Mad Star was still laughing a little without feathers. — I think I'm okay now. But Mad will have to laugh a little. But we'll open the next tray. — He said and opened it. Arthur Spiderwick's diary was hidden inside. — Arthur Spiderwick's book? They say he wrote down all the fairy-tale creatures he saw and various spells. Look at the scoreboard! — "Nothing!" appeared above Mad's head, "Bite off!" appeared above Skully's head, and "Lick!" appeared above Turbo's head. — Turbo! Try licking the book. — Easy! — the monster replied, leaned toward the book, opened his mandibles and stuck out his tongue, which he ran over the book. — Um... It smells like mushrooms and flour. — Yeah? Let's try it now. — Skully took the book, opened it, bit off a couple of pages from the side and spat it out. — Ugh! No, it's not tasty at all. No wonder the ogre Mulghurad wanted to steal it for himself.

***

— The fifth tray on the way! — Skully says cheerfully and opens it. Inside was a pizza with broccoli. — Pizza with broccoli? Ugh! What kind of idiot makes pizza with something that most children hate? — Well, I watched the movie "Inside Out" and there was only one kind of pizza like that in one restaurant. It's strange that they didn't close it for this. — Turbo thought. — In any case, the electronic signs will tell us what to do now. — the three look up. "Bite off!" appeared under Mad's head, "Nothing!" appeared above Skully's head, and "Lick!" appeared above Turbo's head. — Ugh. I'm lucky I won't be eating this. — We still have to. — said Turbo and ran his tongue over the broccoli on the pizza. — Ugh! I think I’m going to puke. Where’s the toilet? — he ran away. Mad Star took one slice of pizza with broccoli and ate it with pleasure. — I like broccoli! Especially with pizza. — he said, smiling and continued eating it. — Yeah. You’re lucky, Mad. After all, not all people usually like broccoli and they often get sick from it. — But we have one country on Earth where even babies like broccoli. It’s mainly in Japan. They say they released a version of Inside Out where there was bell pepper instead of broccoli. Most Japanese children definitely don’t like bell pepper. Although I don’t understand why exactly? — Mad thoughtfully took another bite of pizza.

***

— Half the trays are gone and there’s still half to go! — Skully says and opens the next tray. Inside is a plate of sliced ​​yellow bell peppers. — O-o-oh! I guess I jinxed the bell peppers. — Mad suggests. — No, Mad, it’s not your fault. It’s just a coincidence. We just happen to have some treats and surprises in our trays. — Skully explains and the trio looks up. “Bite!” appears above Mad’s head, “Lick!” appears above Skully’s head, and “Nothing!” appears above Turbo’s head. — I’ll go first! — he runs his tongue over one bell pepper and tries to taste it. However, his lips frown slightly and his eyes look thoughtfully at the ceiling. — It’s not that sweet! Tea with sugar tastes better. — I don’t know. To each his own. — Mad answers, taking another piece of sweet pepper and biting into it. — No, you can feel a little sugar. It's just not much, but it's good for you! — After saying that, he ate the whole piece.

***

— Next tray and there we have... Pabababam! — Skully opens it and inside was hidden a magic tinderbox. — Tinderbox! And not just any tinderbox, but a magic tinderbox from the fairy Russian tale of the same name about a soldier who found it. Look up! — "Nothing!" appeared above Mad's head, "Lick!" appeared above Skully's head, and "Bite off!" appeared above Turbo's head. — Me first. — He said and just wanted to lick it, but stopped for a minute and thought. — Hmm... According to the fairy tale and the films that adapted it, this Tinderbox grants any wishes if you try to light it and think about what you dream of most in the universe. Maybe I can do it too? — He just thought about it out loud, took off the yellow glove from his left hand, sharpened his bone claws on his fingers and sharply scratched the tinderbox. The flint and steel emitted magical sparks and suddenly Neckbeard appeared in the room next to the three participants. — Hello, Skully. I brought you a present. And completely free. But I will need your help. You do not mind working with me, do you? — the magician asked, showing a golden crown similar to the crown of Emperor Awesome. — I agree! — Skully answered smiling, put the flint and steel on the table and walked away hugging Neckbeard. Mad Star raised his shoulders and stretched out his lip, asking: — Where is he going? — Hmm... I really have nothing to wish for from this flint and steel. And I do not want to break my teeth on this stone. I'd rather go get punished! — said Turbo and left. — Buddy! You never had teeth anyway. — said the man and laughed, clutching his stomach. — And I never had a nose, — Mad heard Lord Hater's voice off-screen. — But I'm not laughing about it, am I?

***

      Turbo entered the same room where Screwball stood. He took out a cannon and shot Turbo. He was surrounded by flying pink feathers and began to tickle him non-stop. The Urozavets, although not smiling, laughed non-stop and could not stop. — No, stop! Stop! I can't!... I'm going to die laughing! — It doesn't look like you're really laughing. You're not even smiling, — the doctor says. — I can't smile. I'm from the Urozavets race, after all. — Ryder explained and laughed even louder. — No... That's it!... I can't anymore!

***

      Turbo Rider laughs a little and tries to laugh his ass off, even though he wasn't smiling. — Only three trays left, and we're opening this one! — Skully says and opens it. Inside was Lord Atomos' helmet. — No way!? Grandpa Atomos never takes it off! By the way, I always wondered what his real face was like without the helmet? — Me too. — the man smiled. — Me too. — said freastard. — Well, never mind! Let's look at the scoreboard! — "Nothing!" appeared above Mad's head, "Lick!" appeared above Skully's head, and "Bite!" appeared above Turbo's head. — Well, well. Now let's try what this helmet tastes like. Skully just opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, when suddenly he stopped abruptly, his eyes widening as he heard Atomos's voice off-screen: — Are you that stupid to lick my helmet? — Huh!? — the skeleton stood up and looked around, but Atomos himself was nowhere to be found. — I thought I just heard Atomos's voice. — Yeah, I heard him too. — Mad replied, scratching his right ear with his index finger. — I think so! — But I heard him too. — Trubo replied. — Maybe he's just trying to scare us? Ow! — the skeleton waved his hand, smiling, and tried to stick his tongue out to lick the helmet again. Suddenly, he heard Atomos's voice again, this time shouting: — ARE YOU DEAF??? DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT YOUR BONE BUTT WITH A BELT??? Skully hiccupped in fear and stood up, folding his hands together. — I don't like this. — the skeleton said. — Let me try? — Turbo suggested and just approached the helmet, opening his mandibles, when suddenly he heard Atomos' voice addressed to him: — Just try and I'll give you a punch in the butt too! — WHAT??? — Turbo Rider got angry and clenched his tentacles into fists. — Who dares threaten me? Come out if you're not a coward, freak! — he got into a fighting stance, moving his tentacles. — I'm here! — he heard a voice behind him. Atomos just stuck his right hand out of the right corner of the screen in a black glove, when suddenly Turbo quickly turned and jumped on Atomos' face himself. The latter fell with a scream, judging by the fact that his hand went back. Then they heard the sounds of a fight, beatings in the face and slaps with whips, as well as cries of pain. — You dare to threaten me and sneak up on me? I'll show you how to threaten others, big guy! — Turbo said off-screen and continued to slap Atomos in the face, and he screamed and could not knock him out and fight back. Mad Star laughed, looking at this battle and pointed his finger at them. — As they say, Turbo Rider, although small, but mighty! He is not even afraid of Atomos and can easily slap him in the face. — Mad said, and Skully at this time managed to discreetly lick Atomos' helmet with his tongue while Turbo fought with him off-screen. After some time, Atomos began to moan and beg for mercy: — Wait-stop! Stop it! A-a-ah... Okay, okay, that's it, I give up. You win! A-a-ah... Please let go! It hurts! A-a-ah... I won't threaten you anymore! — Watch it! — Turbo himself threatened and came out from around the corner, returning to Skully and Mad, wiping his shoulders with his tentacles from the dust from the fight. "Ha! Weakling! — after saying this, he took Atomos' helmet and, grabbing one of the helmet's horns with his mandibles, slightly bent it, trying to bite it off.

***

— Just a little bit more and we can finish our episode, — Skully says smiling and opens the tray. Inside was hidden an old push-button mobile phone of the Nokia series. — Hmm. Looks like someone is about to lose teeth. Look up! — "Lick!" appeared above Mad's head, "Nothing!" appeared above Skully's head, and "Bite!" appeared above Turbo's head. — Ouch. Looks like Turbo Ryder is going to break his teeth. — No. I don't have teeth, so it doesn't scare me! — freastard answered, folding his tentacles on his chest. — Exactly! But Mad will have to lick the phone, — said the teenager. At that moment, the man took the phone and licked only the screen and spat to the side. — Disgusting! This isn't even funny! Why do we give something that's not tasty to lick and bite? — Well, then what's the point of our show and humor? — smiling, Skully raised his shoulders and put his palms out to the sides. Then he turned to Turbo. — Turbo, how are you going to bite it. Especially without teeth? — What's so difficult about that? — he took the phone and smashed it on the table, opening the back compartment. Then he took the SIM card out of the back of the phone and swallowed it whole. — There you go. Let's consider that I bit off the phone. Unless I have to go to the toilet later and release this card through one place into the toilet. But I'm used to it! — he waved his right tentacle, as if waving his hand in a sign of calm. — By the way, who does this phone belong to? — asked Skully. — I don't know myself. But they haven't made them on Earth for a long time, since the first smartphones and tablets were released. — Mad explained. At that moment, Turbo felt his stomach rumble. — Oops! I'll be right back! — he said and ran around the corner of the screen.

***

— I think I’m okay now. The SIM card from the phone is in the toilet and it floated down the drain. — Turbo said and started laughing at this moment along with Mad. — Okay, okay! Calm down! We have one last tray left. — The skeleton rejoiced and opened the tray. Inside was hidden the Chinese sauce “Mulan.” — Oh! I know that. This sauce is named after the Chinese heroine of the Chinese war Pha Mulan from the Disney cartoon. It was released and it didn’t last long in stores. Many people didn’t like it and everyone who liked this sauce signed petitions to bring it back. In the end, this sauce was later returned to sale, but not for long and then they stopped producing and selling it again. — the astronaut explained and sighed heavily. — Alas! But let’s not talk about sad things! Let’s see what the signs tell us!” — Yes. — the skeleton nodded and the three looked up. "Lick!" appeared above Mad's head, "Bite!" appeared above Skully's head, and "Nothing!" appeared above Turbo's head. — How symbolic! The result on the first tray was exactly the same, and now it was repeated on the last tray. — Turbo grinned, although he did not know how to smile. — Yeah. This is really strange and suspicious. — Skully thought, scratching the back of his head with his left hand. — But can we somehow change the scoreboard result ourselves? At least once? — Mad asked. — Well, basically, yes. There is one way. I even learned it myself from one of the morons. However, I never do it, because I play fair. But for you, I will make an exception. — Skully replied, took out a special remote control with three inscriptions: "Bite off!", "Lick!" and "Nothing!", and changed the results. Now above Skully's head was "Nothing!", and above Turbo's head was "Bite off!". — Well, there you go. Now I don't have to do anything, and Turbo can eat it if he wants. — Great. But I don't know if this sauce is spicy or not? No, I'm not scared, I just see this sauce for the first time and I don't know whether to eat it or not? — the freastard explained. — Oh, come on! I'll personally lick this sauce now. I'm sure it's delicious. — the man waved his hand and took the packet of sauce, stuck out his tongue and dripped one drop of sauce onto his tongue. Suddenly, his pupils in his eyes began to burn with a flame of fire, and steam from the fire came out of his ears. — Werdammter! — he cursed in German, clutching his head. — What kind of fuel is this? Is this even a sauce or a nuclear weapon? — Oh! So it's the hottest. I like it hotter. — Turbo answers, takes the whole bag and drinks it. Afterwards, he himself felt fine, except that smoke also came out of his ears. Skully's eyes bulged and he was surprised. — You really don't feel anything? — No. I was born in sector seven, and most of the inhabitants there, like my native race, really like the hottest and hottest things. — Just like the Koreans in North Korea on Earth. — Mad answered smiling. — But... Since we've already tried everything, we can now finish our episode. — said the skeleton, hugging Mad and Turbo. — If you, dear viewer, liked how we bite or lick various dishes and objects, then write us letters with advice, complaints and suggestions! Bye everyone, and see you in the next episodes! — he waves goodbye. Along with him, Mad Star also waves goodbye, and Turbo Rider waves goodbye with his tentacles. — And don't forget to visit my home planet Earth! We will be glad to see all alien guests. — Mad says with a smile, but then changes his sweet face to an angry one. — Unless you are a conqueror, of course. Otherwise, we will meet you and see you off with dignity! — he said, taking out a nano-gun. — Fly to visit us in our native quadrant, dear viewers. See you there! — Turbo Rider says goodbye.