Fantasy Beasts and What They Reveal

"Well, these herbal patties are a rare kind of rubbish. It’s like a goat poorly digested its food and threw it all up," Shaak complained. "You wanted to eat this," El affirmed, tugging at his sharp ears. "Eat up, don’t get it all over yourselves. You started this silly competition and made me pay for it. Back in my homeland..." Fon started, but his voice was interrupted by the ominous creaking of the door. Suddenly, the rotting door to the tavern swung open, and an elite squad of the city guard entered. The tallest and most prominent among them scanned the room and then gestured for his group to approach our heroes. "Well, hello. The detective department (the joke was lost in translation, so just laugh)," one of the guards said. "What pathetic losers you are. I’m surprised you haven’t been disbanded yet. Our captain only trusts us with the most important and responsible missions..." said the head of the elite squad, shaking his golden locks as if trying to dust them off a chandelier. Unexpectedly, the door swung open again, and the captain of the city guard entered. "Oh, I was just looking for you for a particularly important mission," the captain got straight to the point. "We're always ready to serve the Crown, Captain Wulfgard," the elite squad chanted. "The farmer’s sheep have dropped a huge pile by the town hall. Clean it up quickly," the captain said, eyeing the knights, who were on the verge of getting dirty in their armor. "Now, you," Wulfgard turned to the heroes. "And what about us?" Lina asked, surprised. "That you’re dimwitted, lazy, blockheads..." "Hold on, we’re not lazy," Fon interrupted the captain. "Don’t interrupt. You need to do something important for the guard before I kick most of you to hell. Someone in the city is dealing drugs. A large reward is offered for the head of this person, so I advise you to get to work. Alright, I have to go—the King has called me for a drinking party... Oh, I meant an important meeting. And here I am babysitting you," the captain said and swiftly left. "Let’s go, guys. I have someone in mind," Fon said, and the group headed outside. After a while, they arrived at the local alchemist's hovel, where they were immediately greeted by one of the residents of the house—the alchemist's assistant, Balmer. "Fon, is that you? When I gave you my last money last week, you promised not to hit me anymore," the young alchemist's apprentice said fearfully. "Don’t worry, answer honestly, and your face will be fine," the bird-man "reassured" him. "Are you dealing drugs?" "No, all the herbs I collect, I give to Don—the local alchemist." "And who is Don?" "An alchemist. My employer. Dad's vagabond. Mom's sweetheart. He experiments with potions and sexual partners. He organizes children's parties with them. Huge butt." "What?" Balmer was interrupted by Shaak. "Huge butt," Balmer pointed to one of the walls. And indeed, someone’s backside was nailed to the wall. "Alright, get out of here," Fon told Balmer. "And what now?" Dexter asked. "I suggest we split up. We’ll go to the port, and you’ll head to the marketplace," the elf proposed. "Okay, then we’ll meet at the port pub 'Vomit on a Stick' in 8 hours." "Okay." And so, our group split up. Dexter, Fon, and El went to the port and began to look around. Workers and sailors were bustling about. "We need to look for someone who stands out," Dexter said. "In my opinion, several ladies from the local brothel fit that description. I’ll go undercover and check it out while you continue to explore the street," Fon quipped. "Cut out the jokes. You know exactly what we need to do. Keep your eyes peeled and look for inconspicuous people," El said sternly. "Oh, looks like we have a client," Dexter pointed at a bald guy. The group approached him, and Fon started the dialogue: "Do you happen to know where to get some magic dust?" No response came. "Answer, you bastard!" "Hey, you," a voice called out. "Who said that?" El asked. "It’s me, you idiots. Look down," the voice continued. And indeed, there stood a little man. "Oh, why are you so small?" Fon rudely asked. "I pissed off an archmage, and he shrank me. Turns out, his words were stronger. But that’s beside the point. Leave the kid alone, you cops. He’s mute. Can’t you see? And also, I heard about your problem. If you’re looking for dirt on someone, talk to the local jeweler. I saw him sniffing some strange powder and then taking notes in his diary. If you’re going to become junkies, I recommend going to the store '100% No Drugs. I swear on my mother.' And there’s no need to terrorize children," the little man delivered his monologue, took the boy by the hand, and they left in an unknown direction. "Well, that’s a situation..." Dexter said, and the whole group moved along the port's trading rows to the indicated store, where they met Lina and Shaak. "Dex, close your ears!" Lina shouted at Dexter, who, realizing that his psyche wouldn’t survive the threat of an orcish woman directed at the drug dealer, covered his ears. After some time, when he realized Shaak's monologue was ending, he uncovered them. "... do you understand me, you bad person?!" Shaak was growling. "Yes, yes. I sell drugs, take everything, imprison me, just please, don’t do all that stuff," the dealer was crying. "Well, there you go, another case solved. I’ll take him to the prison, and you wait at the tavern. I’ve heard our city has another problem," El scanned the area and, picking up the dealer from the pavement, led him away.