Loveless

When Draco finally pulls himself together and knocks on the room 6P door, Astoria doesn’t grace him with a response. After several fruitless attempts, he drops his forehead on the door panel. 'Asta, please, let me in. You’re being irrational.' All he gets is silence. After all his cock ups, he tries not to force her decisions, but today is an exception. He can’t let her feel abandoned right before the blood-cleansing. He takes a deep breath and opens the damn door. 'Asta, don’t-' She’s asleep. Her horrid curse and this hectic day have exhausted her so much, she doesn’t even flinch in her slumber when the door handle hits the wall. Of course she wasn’t in any state for vexing conversations… Draco walks up to her bed and slumps in the chair. If someone gave him Liquid Luck right now and asked what he was going to spend it on, he would choose their next talk with Asta, where only recently his immediate answer would have been a quidditch tryout. 'I’m sorry,' he whispers and buries his face in his hands. 'I know it’s not my fault, but I’m so sorry I cannot give you love. You deserve it more than anyone, and if- If only you knew how desperately I want to say that I love you… It’s as simple as that, three short words. Words that I don’t have the right to say because… Because you want them only if they are true.' He straightens his back and gazes at her emaciated yet beautiful face. He isn’t blind. The shadows under her eyes, the sharpened features — he sees all this and he prays to all the gods for her to get better. But if she looked like this for their whole lives, he wouldn’t adore her less. 'Asta,' he breathes out and runs a finger down her cheek. 'If I was able at all, I’d love you madly. But I’m trying… Can’t you see, I’m trying my best. You are my first waking thought and my last drowsing reflection. I want to be by your side and do everything in my power to make you happy. And- And maybe I’m just being selfish but how is that not enough? ' Her face blurs, and for a moment it appears as if Astoria’s eyelids flutter to open… But when Draco realises his eyes have welled up and wipes the tears away, she is still fast asleep. 'Please, don’t leave me, Asta…' He brings her lax hand up to his face and presses his lips to it. Merlin knows for how long he sits like this, zoned out, but Astoria doesn’t wake up even when the healers come. 'Mr Malfoy, we need you to leave,' says one of them while the other is arranging the instruments. 'How long is it going to take?' Draco asks, carefully putting her hand back onto the bed. The healer shrugs and turns to mix some potions. 'About three hours. And an hour more for her to wake up. You can go home, she is not going to be ready for her release today. The reception will inform you about-' 'I’m staying. She’s not waking up here all alone.' 'As you wish, but…' the healer shoots a tell-tale glance at the door, and Draco leaves with a nod before these people drive him crazy. After three nail-biting hours of pacing up and down the hall and counting second after second, Draco returns to Astoria’s room. But the procedure isn’t yet over. Not then, not after fifteen minutes, nor thirty, nor even an hour. When the healers finally come out of the room, both visibly drained by continuous spellwork, the clock strikes 7 p.m. Which means the whole thing took exactly four hours and twenty-six minutes. 'You are still here, Mr Malfoy? Well, she’s under for now, but you can come in if you want.' He barges in and freezes on the doorstep. Astoria lies there white as ashes, her arms over the covers, with six fresh cuts on each. Draco’s heart stops for an excruciating moment. One day she’ll die just like this, pallid and covered in blood that can’t be cleansed anymore. And if they stay together, if they go through with the wedding, she’ll die never to find out what it means to be truly loved. He comes up to her, treading lightly, and conjures a clean white cloth. He is probably supposed to wait for a nurse, but it’s beyond his strength. Draco wraps the tip of his wand with the cloth and whispers a barely audible Aguamenti. When it’s damp enough, he puts the wand away and gets to work. It’s not that bad, just streaks and specks of blood all over her arms. Draco wipes them off gently, trying not to disturb her. He must set her free, so she could find a man she deserves. A man that can and will love her. But he’s Draco Malfoy. He may have changed in hundreds of ways, but he cannot change who he is — a selfish, possessive, faint-hearted man-child. He won’t be able to let her go ever. His cuffs are rimmed with brown bloodstains by the time he finishes, and the nurse never comes. Oh, he is so writing a complaint to every bigwig at this place… 'Draco? Merlin, you’re exhausted…' He tears his eyes open to find himself sitting on the floor by her bed, his head cradled in Astoria’s palms. It seems, sleep took over him so swiftly, he didn’t get a chance to even vanish the blood-soaked cloth. 'Sorry, I must’ve drifted off. How are you feeling? Should I call the nurse? Do you want anything?' They’ll sort everything out, just not right now. Right now there are things more important. 'I do. Can you promise you’ll do it for me?' His breath catches. It’s obvious what she’s going to ask. 'Anything.' 'Once they let me go… Could you take me to see the Opaleyes?' *** He Flooed to the reception hall of the Meadowgrass Mansion at 2 p.m. sharp, as the etiquette directed. Within a minute Astoria’s parents greeted him, and exactly nine minutes later, the future bride herself came down the stairs. Just as the etiquette directed. 'Ms Greengrass,' he said after his lips brushed over the thin glove on her hand. 'Mr Malfoy,' she answered with a nod and took him by the elbow. All this was so straightlaced that for a moment Draco thought those electric minutes he had spent at Astoria’s feet begging to hold her were a fever dream. 'Mr Greengrass, Mrs Greengrass, thank you for all your trouble on my behalf. Have a pleasant evening,' he enunciated and bowed his head. 'Mother, Father, have a pleasant evening,' Astoria echoed with a token smile. Then they turned to the doors and went out into the gardens. 'You know, I can’t believe the same man that was reciting all those fancy things tongued me last month,' was Astoria Greengrass' opening statement for their first official courting date. 'Back at you. "Mother! Father!"' he mimicked her placid voice. 'And with the same mouth you told me about that first kiss with your own sister.' She covered her mouth and nose with her gloved hand to hide a snicker. 'It was my fourteenth birthday. Daph blew her cork and simply landed a smacker on my lips after I had thrown a tantrum about how I’d die a spinster and would never even be kissed, because I was homeschooled.' Draco couldn’t honestly say if he was more relieved or disappointed that his lewd fantasy got busted. 'Well, look who’s dying a spinster now,' he said and kissed Astoria behind her ear. 'Hey!' She recoiled and shot an angry look at him. 'Don’t even joke like that. I’m tormented by guilt quite enough as it is.' 'You shouldn’t be. I wouldn’t marry Daphne anyway, with how my parents have acted.' 'Oh.' She went silent then, and they walked in peace to the front gate which opened without a sound either. Draco would think he lost his hearing if not for the breath of wind and the chirr of grasshoppers. As soon as they left the estate borders, he fished a carved wooden box out of his pocket and threw the lid open. 'A Portkey?' Astoria asked, eyeing an exquisite silver tiepin on the velvet padding. 'Only if it won’t upset your health.' She let out a humourless laugh and stared right into his eyes. 'It won’t. And I’d like to set a rule to this betrothal: don’t make assumptions about my condition. I’ve been living with it for as long as I remember myself, so don’t act on anything you presume may improve or worsen my health if I haven’t asked you personally.' 'What if you’re out cold?' She shrugged. 'Your performance that night in my Fourth year was great, so, whatever you did then.' Draco frowned, trying to remember. When that didn’t pay off, he imagined what he would cast in the same situation now. 'It was Rennervate.' 'Thought so. It works perfectly. If I’m not waking up, well-' She went silent, averting her eyes. 'For how long are you planning to play house with me?' Draco wanted to say, till Death do us part, but death was probably a delicate matter for someone chronically ill. He wondered immediately if being careful with words was also a breach of her rule and missed the moment to answer at all. 'Haven’t thought it through yet? It’s fine. If you can’t wake me, just apparate to Mungo’s, they’ll know what to do. On three?' she went off a tangent and reached for the tiepin. 'One, two, three.' Draco barely made it to touch the Portkey in time. This wasn’t Draco’s first time in the Welsh Dragon Sanctuary. Lucius Malfoy deemed it a sign of status to patronise something as obnoxious as a dragon reserve, and little Draco went out of his way to accompany his Father on his annual visits. Today was his first visit without Lucius. 'These are… Dragons?' Astoria whispered, and when he turned to her, he couldn’t believe this excited young witch had been annoyed with him only half a minute ago. 'Yes. This Sanctuary is a home mostly to Green Welshies, obviously, but they also keep a couple of foreign species, and since you haven’t been to the Triwizard Tournament I thought-' 'I’ve never seen a dragon, any dragon! What are those, the Welshies?' she asked, grabbing his elbow and pointing at the sky. Two emerald shadows were soaring high above her raised finger. 'The Welshies. I’m glad you like my choice for the first date.' She didn’t even bother to tear her eyes away from the dragons. 'I do! Thank you. This is the best engagement gift.' He smiled and led her on, placing his arm on her waist to steady her. She froze in her steps. 'Draco, I can walk on my own, I’m not that fragile.' 'Yes you are.' 'We’ve just talked about it-' 'It has nothing to do with your health.' He rolled his eyes but didn’t remove his hand from her waist. 'If you want to walk on your own, be my guest, but watch your steps because right now you are watching the skies.' His words were proved correct three steps later when her foot caught on a stone and she clung to his shoulder. 'I- Thank you… I don’t want to be a burden, that’s all,' she said, taking shallow breaths, her eyes wide in surprise. He leaned in and kissed her, still strained and awkward in his arms. 'You aren’t a burden, Asta.' She wriggled out of his arms and straightened her dress — long-sleeved, like all the dresses he’d seen her wearing. As someone who also couldn’t show his bare arms to people, Draco understood her choice of clothing. 'But you want to watch the dragons as well,' she mumbled and went on, watching her steps intently. 'I’ve seen them several times. What I want is for you to enjoy yourself on our way to the real present I’ve prepared for you.' 'Wait, this wasn’t- There’s more?!' 'Of course there is. An engagement gift should be something corporeal and lasting, not a date itself.' 'You are too serious about this,' she said with a snarky smile. He shrugged. 'I’m serious about you. You are my fiancee, is it strange that I’m going all out? ' She went quiet again, but didn’t protest when he took her by the waist again and led on while her head was thrown back and her gaze glued to the dragons high in the clouds. Astoria couldn’t utter a word, gaping like a fish, for quite some time. To be fair, Draco was also taken by the beauty of the young dragon from New Zealand. He’d seen this species only in books and photos, and none of those did it justice. Its pearly scales, iridescent in sunlight, looked like a rainbow river, hypnotising you more and more the longer you stared at it. 'I think I finally understand how people can cry from beauty,' Astoria whispered and made another step to the creature. Despite what she said, she wasn’t crying, but Draco could share the sentiment. 'I wanted to ask about your favourite breed before we leave, but I think I already know the answer.' 'Yes. This one. The Opaleye, right?' Draco nodded. 'A male. Very young, about a year old.' 'A boy!' she whispered excitedly and sat back on her heels to take a closer look at the dragon’s face while it was asleep. 'What is his name?' He smiled and waved her over. Astoria rose back to her feet and came up to him, her eyes gleaming with excitement. He bowed his head to her ear and whispered: 'You can name him whatever you wish, because this Opaleye is yours.' 'What?! ' Draco winced at her scream and snickered. The Opaleye heard her too. It grumbled and opened the unthinkable eyes its breed was named after. Astoria was still staring at him in disbelief, so he set his hands on her shoulders and swung her to face the awakened dragon before it could stir and fly away. 'You bought me… A dragon?' She pressed her back to him, and he felt her fast heartbeat. 'What were you expecting?' 'I don’t know, a necklace?! Definitely not this!' She looked back at him, still unnerved. He arched a brow at her. 'You’d prefer a necklace? It can be arranged-' 'No! No, Baldur is perfect, I’m just- I can’t believe it. Why would you- Where did you find- Oh, I hope you haven’t bankrupted your whole family for this!' Draco wanted to tease her about a name she’d already come up with, but her bewilderment was too much, and he burst into laughter. 'No, I mean it. Why? ' He took a deep breath to calm down and tried to explain. 'I don’t know. Honestly. I was going through the sanctuary’s monthly report, and it said there is an orphaned Opaleye chicken on the market. Apparently, the females in his native reserve started ousting him with time, so-' 'Yeah, that’s a thing among Opaleyes, I’ve read it,' Astoria whispered and cast a sympathetic glance at her ignorant present. 'Well, I just thought I’d buy it for you,' Draco resumed. 'You are mad,' she said, shaking her head in disbelief. He folded his arms, feigning grave offence. 'Don’t know about that. Your mother said it’s a sweet metaphor.' 'Metaphor for wh-' Her face beamed with realisation. 'O-oh! As in- Since your name is Latin for dragon?' 'So you are a Ravenclaw! ' 'Draco…' He grinned, unable to keep a straight face. 'Yes. That word. Means dragon, if you were asking.' She pointed an exposing finger right at his chest and knitted her brows. 'I’m pretty sure you’ve been named after the constellation specifically, so where are my stars then? ' Her face was screaming checkmate, but Draco had a trump card up his sleeve. 'Doesn’t your name mean star-something in Greek? Why would you need more stars? ' Her eyes widened and she almost choked on a snort. 'Oh, star- something! Is that-' Her further complaints died out under his lips. It was a strange kiss, Draco couldn’t recall another one like it. Because it wasn’t meant to imply anything. He kissed her not out of desire but simply because it felt right. Because her sincere reaction to his absurd present had elicited a surge of happiness. 'Why would you do something like that?' she whispered as soon as the kiss ended. Draco rolled his eyes. 'I told you, it wasn’t plan-' 'Not the dragon. Why would you ask Father for my hand?' The surge of happiness died out as if she cast a Nox inside his ribcage. His arms dropped listlessly by his sides. 'If- If you don’t want me, I’ll call it off, ' he almost managed to say it calmly. 'Again? ' Pulling that kind of performance off for the second time would have been the height of folly. But he did make the decision without asking Astoria. And though, when answering his letter, she’d said she would go along with that, she still had every right to take her word back. 'I don’t care if he thinks I’m depraved to the point of idiocy.' Draco saw her face droop and added hastily, 'Oh, the dragon, of course, remains yours. Just say the wor-' 'I want you.' She cupped his face with her hands and got on her tiptoes to kiss him. 'It scares the living daylights out of me, but I want you.' He kissed her back, feeling warmth returning to his body. 'What’s so scary?' he whispered into her lips. 'My reputation?' She snickered, as if he said that pigs can fly, and shook her head. 'Only a couple of weeks ago I took you out for a smoke at a tedious party. Because I thought a drunk snog with a guy I’ve always considered handsome would be fun. And now this guy broke his engagement and bought a dragon — all just to start courting me. Of course I’m- I’m terrified. Since I really want to be your wife now.' Draco didn’t even try to fight a smile that seized his whole face. 'Good. Because I also want you to be my wife.' Astoria looked him in the eye for a good minute, without a single word. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but it seemed like some kind of a test, so he stared back, wishing for her to find what she was seeking in his eyes. Finally, she heaved a sigh and looked away. 'Do you know what a Protean charm is?' He hurried to Occlude the panic raised by her innocent question. Still, his face had probably betrayed him in the first moments, because now she was eyeing him with worry. 'The Dark Mark was based on it,' he explained. She nodded and went on without commenting on that which Draco was very thankful for. 'I have a bracelet,' she said and pulled the sleeve on her left arm up an inch. A bracelet slipped from under the cuff — a plain white-gold band without any ornaments. 'If I’m out cold and Rennervate doesn’t help, you cast a Freezing charm on this bracelet. Protean charm causes the second bracelet to freeze either, and my personal physician who’s wearing it, apparates to you immediately.' 'I have a good Freezing charm, but I’ll work on it more.' She nodded with a strained smile and turned away to watch her dragonling. Draco hugged her from behind and rested his chin on her crown. Maybe one day she would even tell him about the scars.