7. Ralph
May 12, 2024 at 4:04 AM
It began to rain. It poured stubbornly and heavily. A gloom had descended on the south of Germany; the clouds hung low over Munich, turning closer to the ground into a mist that enveloped the uplands and poured heavily into ditches, gutters, and soil. The Hitler-Jugend meetings were moved to the centre hall of the NSDAP building, and I was once again busy with the exercises. Bruno and Adler did not appear. Lately I felt just disgusted: without the companionship of my comrades there was no point in life.
I hadn't seen Lorna for a week, I hadn't heard from her. I thought I'd never see her again, but I was wrong.
I crossed paths with Lorna as I was walking briskly from the training camp to avoid getting soaked. She was jogging with her heels on the pavement and her purse over her head, but judging by her wet hair, she was no help to the girl. Like a true gentleman I invited her to a café to warm up and dry off, to which the Italian agreed.
She looked beautiful in a simple blouse and black skirt. Her skin glowed with health, and the incredible darkness of her brown eyes seemed brighter than I had ever seen.
— I like it here, — she said, eating scones in a small café. — This town is so unlike any place I've ever been before. — Lorna took a huge bite. — They were devoid of something I can't explain yet.
I nodded absent-mindedly, hardly taking in what she was saying. Cigarette smoke filled the room with a light haze.
— You've got icing sugar in here... — I pointed to her lower lip, covered in white dust.
She picked up a napkin and wiped herself.
— All of it?
— All of it.
Lorna removed the icing sugar from her mouth, but my imagination pictured me leaning over the table and running my tongue over her lips, tasting the sweetness....
I suddenly felt very grateful that the table was hiding me up to my waist and took a big gulp of ice water. Ever since Lorna had told me about the lack of something special that was missing in other cities, a small spark of hope in my heart had flared up and turned into something permanent. Something unchanging. I no longer felt like our relationship was impossible.
"But what should I do? Confess my feelings? I won't be able to. It's too soon. I'll ruin everything."
— Ralph? — Lorna looked at me puzzled. — Are you all right? You look pale.
— Yeah, yeah, it couldn't be better, it must be the light.
Quiet, gentle music played in the room, calming the nerves. Some people got into pairs, went to the middle of the room and danced with each other. I watched Lorna from the corner of my eye as she kept her burning eyes on the dancing people. I decided to take the initiative. Rising from my chair, I held out my open palm to her, inviting her to come out. She looked at me with her clear brown eyes, rose, and, blushing slightly, gave me her hand without a word. We walked out into the middle of the hall. I put my palm on her waist, holding our interlocked hands so that they floated in the air. We kept a polite distance between our bodies and moved to the beat of the music, staring at each other blankly. The world around us faded, disappeared, the couples dancing around us became blurred, just the two of us. Just us.
— Ralph...
I moved closer, and she rested her head timidly on my chest. I pressed our interlocked hands to my heart. Lorna tensed for a second, but then relaxed, still so fragile and firm, but her body had already adjusted to me.
— That's better, — I said, looking at the girl who had her head under my chin.
— Yeah, — she said softly, — much better.
Until Lorna put her head on my chest, I didn't realise I needed it.
I gently pressed my cheek against the girl's forehead. We slowly turned round in a circle, barely moving, just holding onto each other. My body should have been raging with her pressed against me like that. But there was nothing sexual about the warmth that flooded me. Just relief. This woman knew exactly how I felt. I didn't need to say a word. I didn't have to explain anything. She wrapped her arms around me, and my body absorbed her peace like a sponge absorbs water. It felt like home for the most part next to her.
— How nice, — Lorna murmured, — I feel like I'm about to shatter into splinters, you being nearby to support me.
The phrase made me wary, but I assumed she was talking about her past life.
— Me too, — I admitted, — right now...I feel so good.
Lorna moved closer to me, and I pulled her tighter against me, not wanting the song to end. If I closed my eyes, I could shut myself away from the world a little more, from the fucking war and Hitler Youth and all the problems. I could become a normal person.
But when I looked up, I noticed my father in the corner. He was looking at us in confusion, with his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pressed together.
I pulled away from Lorna, freeing myself from her body. Just then the song ended as well, but my sudden impulse startled her. She looked up at me, the peace she'd felt while dancing splashed in her brown eyes. But the reality that I was a member of the Hitler Youth had returned. Probably, this short dance with the girl was a turning point in my life.
— I'm sorry, — I mumbled uncertainly. — I'm sorry, Lorna...I...
— It's okay, — she spoke softly, — it was nice. At least for a few minutes, wasn't it?
I walked her back to the table and, after apologising, she left to go to the toilet. I headed over to my father. He was sitting with his foot on his leg, smoking a cigar and blowing clouds of smoke. In his uniform and cap, he looked more severe than ever.
— It's a waste. It's no use. Don't fool her and yourself. You're a future soldier who will defend the honour of the country. There'll be no such thing as love at the front. Ralph, don't give that girl false hopes. And don't forget, she's Italian. And ties with them are not favoured in the Reich.
Before me sat a stern military man, a stark contrast to the man who was genuinely indignant at losing at draughts. The steel in his voice made me feel like a lowlife, a louse. But I didn't want to believe his words.
— What if I don't want to! - I blurted out, - If I want to live a normal life, not wanting to wake up in the morning, reminding myself who I am and that I have to die, every time telling myself: I am a soldier, the future of the Third Reich! I don't want to die on the battlefield, fighting for Social Social Socialism, the Führer, the Party, the Reich, even for you! I was born to live, not to die! Understand, Dad. You don't want that.
I looked at him, he looked at me, and there was anger in his eyes. He raised his hand, and I thought he was gonna hit me, but Dad just put his cigar out on the plate.
— There is a duty to the country. — His voice was like metal. — You know that. What you said is the nonsense of a young boy's mind. You were born at the wrong time, puppy, to talk about a peaceful and quiet life. We die by the thousands at the front, fighting for the--
— So why aren't you with them! - I interrupted him. — You sit here, unafraid of a bullet in your heart, smoking cigars, filling out stupid documents, but you want me to go to the slaughterhouse! Is it fatherly to send your son to his death in a safe place?!
He didn't say anything to that. He just stood up, walked past me without saying anything. Only then he threw it over my back:
— If you were not my son and a German, you would have been facing the wall with a hole in your back long ago for such speeches.
Father left, slamming the door of the cafe. And I felt very terrible and disgusted. And then I looked round the room. We were arguing so loudly that the music had stopped, and the customers were distracted from their business and listening to our bickering. Lorna sat at a table and looked at me. I couldn't tell you what I felt in that moment: embarrassment or something else?
I walked over to her, hoping I didn't look like an idiot. After something like that, I think Lorna would immediately stop having anything to do with me. But to my surprise she spoke up:
— That was very brave. I didn't think you were capable of saying that to your father.
— I said what I had to say. That's all.
She nodded affirmatively.
— But your father was right about one thing: you shouldn't throw such words around in public. There will always be those who want to denounce you. You're a very lucky man.
I couldn't argue with that. I forgot to be careful and said that in the middle of a crowded cafe. The warm room suddenly became unbearably cold. Perhaps I should have been less emotional. I glanced furtively at Lorna. My father had told me not to deceive myself or her, for there could be no happy future for someone like me, only death. I had been trained from childhood for war and to accept death at the hands of the enemy. But I didn't want that kind of life, if it could ever be called that. I would like to wake up not on a cold bunk next to a machine gun, but in the warm embrace of a beloved woman, not to listen to the morning news from the war on the radio, about party congresses or military marches, and enjoy quiet light music. I dreamed that all concentration camps would disappear, turn to ashes, and Jews and Gypsies would become people free from the unjust laws of Germany.
I ruffled my hair, my head was bursting with thoughts. I urgently needed to get some fresh air. I couldn't sort myself out, I needed to be alone for a while.
— Lorna, thank you for a lovely evening, but I'm going to have to leave you. I need to sort myself out. I hope you won't be offended.
— No, I'm not. I'm very glad we met tonight and...I'm grateful that you helped me out of my melancholy. If it hadn't been for you, I don't know what would have happened.
That confused me. Did she really want to commit suicide? Did something so terrible happen to her that she didn't want to live anymore?
— Lorna, what happened? Why did you say that?
She shook her head.
— I can't tell you anything, Ralph. It would upset you very much.
I decided not to press her yet, but to find out what was wrong by other means. On impulse, I kissed Lorna on the cheek. Her skin was soft and velvety, and I felt like I was on the cusp of bliss.
— Well, see you later.
She nodded, and I could feel the Italian woman's eyes following me all the way to the entrance.
I ran down the wet cobblestones of the road in the steady rain. I ran wherever I could and kept thinking and thinking...
It can't be raining forever.
