20. Lorna
August 30, 2025 at 6:24 PM
It was a bright, sunny day, the kind that made you want to sing and rejoice in life.
But... now I was standing with Ralph Stellmacher and Bruno Dillei by a rectangular, freshly dug pit in a cemetery on the outskirts of Munich. Both their eyes were red and swollen. Ralph had come to my house earlier, his words tumbling out in a confused rush as he told me about the death of their friend, Adler Schultz. He said I would be a great help if I were there with them during this difficult time. I couldn't refuse him, seeing how utterly broken and hollowed out Ralph was.
Before the pit stood a closed wooden coffin, flowers laid upon it. Not many people had come to the funeral, about eight in total. At the front, right on the edge, stood the Breichsleiter and his wife, both pale as chalk. Behind them stood a Hauptsturmführer, an Obersturmbannführer, and some elderly, mustached gentleman in a black suit and a bowler hat.
The wind tousled all our hair and ripped leaves from the trees, carrying them high into the sky along with Ralph and Bruno's dreams. A man in a velvet smoking jacket with a huge stomach arrived, and the few, quiet conversations the SS men were exchanging died out completely. He said something about courage, devotion to country and people, oaths to the Führer, valor, and duty, but judging by the face of Ralph standing next to me, I thought none of it had anything to do with Adler Schultz's true qualities.
The fat man finished his speech, mopping his bald head with a handkerchief. "Would anyone like to say a few final words?"
Three people stepped forward: the Breichsleiter, Bruno Dillei, and Ralph Stellmacher. "Let's hear from the blond one."
Ralph exhaled noisily, cracked his knuckles, cleared his throat, looked first at me, then at Bruno, and began to speak: "So...we're gathered here to see Adler Schultz on his final journey. He was an extraordinary guy, and I don't think I can find words good enough to describe him, but I'll try. Adler was our friend and a loyal comrade—I think that's the most important thing. He never betrayed or abandoned his friends in trouble, and he was one hell of a fighter, I'll tell you that. You should have seen him at ten! Well, anyway, not about that. Adler was damn smart, understanding, and fun. What happened to him is... terrible, but I think we should all think about it, everyone..."
He fell silent and stepped aside. Then the Herr Breichsleiter gave a speech, followed by Bruno, but the lady remained silent. Apparently, she hadn't been very fond of her son, and I mentally winced at that. A fucking bitch. After a while, the coffin was carefully lowered into the grave to the mournful sound of trumpets and the dreary rhythm of drums. They placed a large Reich flag over it, and it was like a blanket.
I involuntarily remembered my father's funeral. The same sorrowful faces, the sad music, the silence. But it had been raining that day. A nasty, drizzling rain. I'd had to hold Paolo's hand for several days afterward.
I was sitting at a table in a small café where we sat with sad, dejected faces. Both boys were silent, and I could feel they were in deep grief. I didn't know what to say to help them, but I wanted to support them and be there. I just listened, and we shared our feelings and emotions together. The guys remembered the deceased Adler with a gentle sadness. He had been a cheerful and joyful person who always knew how to lift the spirits of those around him. I understood that Adler's death was a great loss for everyone.
They recalled the times they had spent together, how Adler was always ready to help and support in difficult moments. The guys were grateful to him for all the moments they had shared and for what he had left behind.
Even though Adler was no longer with them, his memory would live on in the hearts of those who knew and loved him. Bruno and Ralph were deeply saddened that they couldn't spend more time with their friend, but they knew they would always be connected; their friendship had grown stronger.
And I reflected:
Death is one of the most important and complex topics for contemplation. Every person wonders what will happen after death. Some believe in an afterlife, some do not. However, regardless of what we believe, the end of life is an inevitable fact that can cause anxiety and fear.
On one hand, the end of life can be associated with the loss of loved ones, the loss of a beloved job or home. This can lead to a sense of loss and a lack of meaning in life. But on the other hand, death can also be associated with the realization of what we have done in this life and what lessons we have learned.
Many people find solace in the belief in an afterlife and the hope of meeting loved ones after death. They believe their souls will continue to live and develop in another world. Some even believe that the end of life is the beginning of a new one in a higher dimension. However, some people do not believe in an afterlife. For them, the end of life means a complete cessation of existence. They may think that after death there is nothing, and they simply vanish.
Regardless of how we perceive death, it's important to remember that life is a precious gift that must be lived to the fullest and with happiness. We should cherish every moment of life and enjoy it, to leave behind something significant and valuable for others.
In the end, death should not be a reason for fear or anxiety. We can accept this fact and use it as an opportunity for self-reflection and rethinking our lives. The main thing is not to be afraid of it, not to postpone life for later, but to live here and now, enjoying every moment.
With trembling fingers, Ralph pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and took a long drag. Bruno stared out the window with an empty, unseeing gaze. Silence fell upon our shoulders like a heavy stone. No one could utter a word.
— Remarque, — Dillei said in a whisper. — We need to get through it.
Ralph nodded slowly, took a bottle of beer, drank a huge gulp, and grimaced at the large amount of bitter liquid.
A draft from the open door ruffled my hair, and I stole a glance at the man who had entered.
Rudolf Seidel.
I instantly turned back and hunched my shoulders, trying to make myself inconspicuous. The guys noticed the change in my behavior and also looked at the SS officer.
He noticed us and strode confidently towards our table. Ralph and Bruno respectfully stood up. "Heil Hitler!"
"Heil Hitler!"
Those predatory eyes... They burned right through me, as if saying, "I know everything."
I went cold and looked away. I felt terrified. Danger and a hidden threat. I wanted to disappear. "Gentlemen,might I join you?"
No! No! No! Not this! Please, say it's not possible, that we were just leaving!
— Yes, of course, Herr Standartenführer, please sit down. It's a great honor for us. Cigarette?
The SS man accepted the cigarette and lit it. His penetrating eyes scanned all three of us.
— If I'm not mistaken,your names are Stellmacher and Dillei, correct? Oh, I've heard about you and your past... successes.
At these words, the boys looked down. What successes was he talking about? What was Rudolf Seidel even saying? I looked at the guys incomprehensibly; they weren't looking back at me. The Standartenführer smiled cunningly, revealing perfect teeth. "Ten damned kikes. And all thanks to you. The Führer and Germany need sons like you. Congratulations. Excellent spy work."
It can't be...
They... they had a hand in expelling the Jews. Ten... Unfortunate people who could have lived in peace and quiet. These two had wormed their way into their trust and simply betrayed them. Horrible! Outrageous! A storm of emotions raged inside me, but I tried to quell it, for Seidel was watching me intently. Damn, I think he suspects me, and if me, then...
Paolo!
I focused on Ralph's face and tried not to pay attention to the SS officer next to me. But I felt like I was about to start shaking and I clenched the fabric of my black skirt. We're in trouble.
Grabbing a glass of water, I drained it in one go.
— Gentlemen,might I have a word with the lovely Fräulein in private?
Not this! I looked pleadingly at Ralph, trying to tell him with my eyes not to leave me alone with this dreadful man. I think he understood.
— Herr Standartenführer, perhaps it's not necessary.., — Stellmacher murmured quietly.
— But I think it is, — the colonel stated in an icy tone. — It is not for you to tell me what to do. Leave us.
Nothing remained of the amiable SS man; his place was now taken by a formidable and cruel person who had revealed his black essence. Well, that's it. I'm done for. Dillei gave me a meaningful, sympathetic look and left with Ralph, and I was left face to face with Rudolf Seidel. Predator and prey, with no chance of escape.
— So, Fräulein Carbone, straight to the point. I assume you have an idea why I wanted to speak with you eye to eye?
— No.., — Better to play the fool.
— Don't pretend you don't understand. — He switched to a threatening whisper. — Exactly six days ago, you were seen in the company of Sturmbannführer Dieter Eichenwald. You practically ran down Marlenstrasse, entered house number three, and stayed there for about three hours. What do you have to say to that? I don't think the leadership will be pleased to learn of your connection with a pure-blooded Aryan. He and you will face such big problems...
It became hard to breathe. I'm a dead woman! Paolo is a dead man! This monster found out everything! Someone is watching me, that's for sure. I remembered Dieter's calming words: "No one will find out,don't worry."
Not true, they did! And the most dangerous person, at that! I began to tremble, and the Standartenführer smiled predatorily, as if he still had an ace up his sleeve.
— And your brother is sometimes seen in a rather dubious district.Hmm, what could that mean? Maybe he's a communist? Or a supporter of socialism?"
— Enough! — I lost control. I couldn't help it. Seidel had won.
The SS officer leaned back in his chair triumphantly and stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray. He knows everything. We are doomed.
— I'm watching you, Lorna Carbone. Don't think you can disappear. I'll find you even if you go underground.
Putting on his charmingly polite smile again, he rose from the table, nodded goodbye to me, and left the room, leaving a chill in his wake.
I grabbed my head with my hands and trembled. All emotions, all feelings vanished, leaving only a sticky fear slowly spreading through my body.
The guys came over and asked what Seidel had wanted from me. I didn't tell them anything. I couldn't. "Sorry,I have to go... Goodbye!"
I almost ran out of the café and walked quickly towards my home. But I couldn't; I was afraid that the terrible black car would be waiting for me there, so I went to the park at the edge of the city, which was unpopular among Munich residents because the lush, dense tree crowns barely let any sunlight through. But that suited me just fine.
The sky in the west was already darkening when I approached the bridge. In the middle of its humpbacked span, I walked up to the stone railing and, as I had done many times before, looked down at the water flowing beneath me. Suddenly, someone appeared on the deserted road, and I raised my head.
A few seconds—and he was next to me. The sound of his steps was drowned out by the murmur of the river; he shivered from the evening chill despite his warm jacket. We peered at each other through the gray haze of the summer evening.
— I didn't think you'd come.
— Then why are you here, Fräulein Lorna? — he asked mockingly. Disgustingly self-confident, as always.
— No reason.
— Right, of course. There's no other place in all of Munich...
— I like walking here. And you? What reasons do you have for being here now?
— I came to see you.You left the café so quickly, I got worried.
Ralph stood next to me, leaning against the railing, and I suddenly wanted him to put his arm around my shoulders and pull me close.
— Why were you so sure you'd find me here?
— Just a feeling.
He looked at me. The distance between us was so small I could feel his warm breath. A self-assured smile played on his lips.
— Do you think you're irresistible, Ralph Stellmacher? What makes you think I came here specifically to see you again?
He shook his head and looked away.
— I don't think anything. I just came on a chance. But I'm very glad I caught you here, truly glad. I won't deny that I'm drawn to you and that I feel good next to you, despite all our differences, despite the danger. No, not just good: being next to you is bliss for me. But if you look me in the eyes right now and tell me you don't want to see me anymore, I'll turn around and leave and never disturb you again.
And he turned his whole body towards me. It was almost completely dark, and I could barely see his face, its every feature. I gathered my courage to tell him: go away and never come back. I don't need you. You are dangerous for me, and I for you, get out of my life. Oh, my God, help me, give me strength. But my tongue seemed glued to the roof of my mouth.
We stood, looking into each other's eyes, and were silent. Silence all around, only the water murmuring under the bridge.
— What, can't do it? — he asked very quietly, and I heard the mockery in his voice again.
My insides flared up; I wanted to hit him. To pound his chest with my clenched fists. But not only that. I suddenly understood that even more, I wanted to crawl right under his skin, to merge with him into one.
And I am silent.
He leaned toward me—the distance between us now almost nonexistent—and his lips, warm and light as air, touched mine. I froze, breathless. And then he kissed me, for real. His tongue parted my lips, he wrapped both arms around me, pressed me to himself. I dissolved in him in that instant.
Suddenly I remembered Seidel and the looming threat, and I took a step back.
— Forgive me, I shouldn't have.., — Ralph whispered.
— Yes. You shouldn't have.
— I won't again...
— I...actually, I liked it. I like it when you kiss me. But I can't...
— Let's... let's just enjoy what we have, whatever awaits us next? Maybe, — he took my hands, — we should run away after all? I'm so drawn to you, I just can't fight it. And I don't want to. Let's run away and live in sin. And to hell with the consequences.
I laughed because I didn't know if he was joking or being serious.
— It's already completely dark. — He looked around. — Curfew soon. Let's go.
Leaving the bridge behind, we turned onto a familiar path. It was so narrow you could only walk single file. But after a few steps, the path widened, and Ralph took my hand. And so we walked, the rhythm of our steps matching so naturally and effortlessly, as if we had been walking together for a thousand years.
The trees began to thin out, and we found ourselves at the edge of a field. Suddenly, the last ray of sunlight fell directly on Ralph's face, and I saw it shine. His eyes were full of hope.
Ah, if only the world consisted of just him and me! And everything could start from the beginning.
— Do you think we could have made it? — suddenly escaped from me.
— Made what?
— Run away?
He laughed:
— Where to?
— To Paris or New York.To Switzerland. It doesn't matter where, the main thing is that we would be together there. Truly together.
— We'd rent rooms in fancy hotels.
— Or rooms in small, cozy guesthouses.
— Or a luxurious apartment on the Champs-Élysées.
— I'd bring you breakfast in bed, and then go off to write love poems to sell for big money.
And we both burst out laughing.
— But we'd have to take Paolo with us, — I added, having laughed. — I can't be without him.
— Of course,why not. Do you think he speaks French?
I poked him in the side with my elbow, and he hugged me.
— If we run away together,nLorna Carbone, know that I will never let you out of my embrace. I'll just be clingy to you all the time.
At the bridge, we parted ways, and only then did I look at my watch. It was almost ten. Damn it! I ran all the way back. Only at the turn onto Fritzshestrasse, completely out of breath, did I slow to a walk, and ten minutes later I reached the house. Paolo was snoring, seemingly on his tenth dream. I undressed and lay down next to him, remembering the beautiful, beloved face of Ralph Stellmacher.
