A difficult choice

The boundless cosmos blooms with thousands of colors unimaginable to an inhabitant of Earth. Billions of stars rush past the windows of the spaceship “Mephistopheles,” reflecting in the astronaut’s melancholy eyes. “And here I am, standing amid an alien ship, surrounded by aliens. Suddenly, one of them turns, and it’s my father,” William recounted to the ship’s counselor. “The same nightmare again? Does it bother you a lot?” “No, not too much.” “Do you think it might be related to your fear of extraterrestrial life?” “Well… of course, I have some concerns. Oh well, yes, I’m afraid of aliens,” William admitted with a sigh. “It’s natural, William, everyone goes through such fear during their first flight. But you must understand, that the likelihood of encountering extraterrestrial life is astronomically low for us. In the century and a half that humanity has been traveling through space, we have never encountered any signs…” “I know, John, you don’t have to reassure me. I just wanted to share it with someone. Thanks for listening.” “You’re welcome. That’s why I’m here.”

***

Adam, on his knees, was digging into the guts of the climate control device, which broke down with enviable regularity every two weeks. He never had to complain about the lack of work. The old, though modernized, ship always kept him on his toes, never allowing him to relax. “'It will be an exciting adventure, Adam, ' they said. 'The ship just came out of the dock, Adam, you’ll be chilling the whole flight!' they said. And in the end, Adam is the only one breaking his back on this cursed vessel!” grumbled the engineer to himself. “How’s it going today?” asked a sudden voice behind the crouched technician. “Ah! Are you intentionally sneaking up on me when I’m in this position?” Adam crawled out from under the device and glanced at John. “'How’s it going?' Hey, I was just rejoicing: 'How nice that the 'Mephistopheles' doesn’t let me get bored!'” “Look at this from another angle. After this flight, you might become the best specialist…” “…in prehistoric junk. Might as well work in a museum.” “Having a meaningful task is an important factor in maintaining mental health during space flight. William, for example, complains that he has nothing to do except for the weekly crew inspection. He feels useless. But you won’t have that problem.” Adam rolled his eyes, finally distracted from the repair, and straightened up, cracking his lower back. “William can help me if he’s bored. Although he’ll soon have some work in his field. Because my back is about to give out!” “If you’re really struggling, let me help,” John offered. “Are you serious?” Adam was surprised. “Well, if you want to…” “Yes, I’m serious. Let me help, it’s no trouble for me.” “Hmm, then come around from the other side and hold onto this thingy.”

***

Somerset walked into the medical section, as he did every day. William sat at his terminal, reading medical articles. He looked visibly bored, if not upset. “How’s your mood today?” the counselor asked his routine question. “The same as usual. Looks like you have nothing to do either. Since you come by every time.” “That’s my job, but generally, yes. Although I’ll be lying if I say that talking to you brings me no pleasure.” William laughed: “Oh, stop it. I know how difficult is to talk to such an anxious whiner like me.” “Stop it, you. Anxiety in your situation is normal. This is your first flight, William, and so much responsibility fell on you at once. And you’re not a whiner. Maybe a neurotic, but nobody’s perfect.” “Thanks, John. Sorry, you have to listen to all this.” The counselor approached and put his hand on the doctor’s shoulder. “Anytime, William. You can share anything with me, everything without exceptions, okay?” William’s face suddenly took on a frightened look, as if there was something he had been hiding for a long time and now the counselor had hit the mark with a random phrase. “William?” “Well… there is something.” The doctor barely held back the rising panic. His eyes darted from side to side, unwilling to fix on the other man. “Listen, I don’t want to pressure you,” John said soothingly. “But if something bothers you, it’s better to talk about it.” “Okay. So, well.” Deep breath. “The thing is that… I have feelings for you. Not just friendly. I mean, friendly too, but not only…” “William, William, wait! I understand you. This… whew… this is unexpected,” John rubbed his nose, pondering what to do next. He was also seized by a sudden panic, preventing him from thinking about an adequate response. Looking up at the doctor, he became even more scared. William became paler than usual and stared at the floor with the look of an unfortunate man who had made the worst mistake of his life. “Listen, it’s not a problem, okay?” John rushed to rectify the situation. “This news caught me off guard. Just don’t worry! I need to think it over.” The counselor rushed out of the door, scolding himself for cowardly fleeing. Meanwhile, William sat down at the table, narrowly missing the chair, and hid his red face in his palms. John dashed into his office and pulled out his diary from the drawer of the desk. His heart was pounding furiously, and as a counselor, he knew that emotions would settle down if he wrote down all the experiences. John opened the diary to a blank page and wrote: What happened: William confessed his love to me. What I feel: happiness confusion, fear, shame, panic. Description: William said he has feelings for me. I wasn’t ready to hear this because I didn’t expect him to reciprocate such openness from him. I love I’m confused about my feelings and have nothing to say to him. Because of this, I feel like a real jerk confused. I’m ashamed that I seem to have made him regret it. But what could I do? I think about him constantly, but not only about him What could I say to him when two people occupy my thoughts? It’s not fair to both of them. I need to take a break and make a decision.

***

“We need to revisit this conversation after the mission is over,” John said, carefully controlling his voice, not allowing any doubt to creep into it. “I understand. I’m sorry. Can you forget what I said then? It was silly.” “No, not silly! I appreciate you telling me. It’s just… it would be unethical for us to enter into a relationship right now…” “So you’re not against the relationship?” William’s face lit up with joy. “I… can’t answer that question right now.” “I see. But what are we going to do all this time? There’s just over two months left.” “I suggest we pretend like nothing happened.” William sighed and scratched his neck. He still felt noticeably embarrassed by his words, but now his lips were slightly smiling, and his eyes reflected a faint hope.

***

“How’s William doing?” Adam asked suspiciously. “Better now. Why do you ask?” John responded just as suspiciously. “You’re visiting him all the time.” … An awkward silence fell. The two men stood in the engine room, on either side of yet another device in need of repair. This time, the phaser gun battery needed replacement — something that couldn’t be handled alone. “Everyone sees how you exchange glances during meetings, okay? It’s a small ship, rumors spread fast.” “What do you want, Adam?” “For you to answer honestly.” “To what?” “I thought… I thought there was some 'chemistry' between us. But if you’re interested in William, just say so. Or maybe I made it all up?” Somerset bit his lip, remembering all the times he stole glances at the engineer and “accidentally” touched his skin while passing tools. Of course, he knew it was wrong, but the temptation was too great, and John comforted himself with the thought that he did it discreetly enough. “No, Adam, you didn’t make it up.” “So… would you like to be with me?…” “It’s not that simple,” the counselor replied, feeling almost physical pain. He wished he could agree right now, but what about William? “Let me think about it, okay? It all came too suddenly for me.” “Okay, but I won’t wait long,” Adam said, clearly dissatisfied with the outcome of the conversation.

***

John arrived for breakfast earlier than anyone else, quickly finished his portion, and left the canteen, hoping to avoid crossing paths with anyone. For the past week, he had been avoiding both Adam and William. Only during group meetings he couldn’t escape their piercing gazes. Even in the evenings before lights out, he lingered in his office, just to avoid returning to the cabin with Adam. John felt disgusted with himself for avoiding them like a guilty schoolboy, especially considering that monitoring their well-being was his job. Not to mention, these two had become genuinely dear to his heart during the flight, and running away from them like this was just wrong. No matter how much John pondered the problem, he couldn’t come up with a good solution. Reject William? It will tear his heart apart. John longed to hold this blond neurotic close to him and never let go. And Adam? John would give a lot to be with him, to see happiness in his green eyes, and finally wake up in the same bed, not on different levels… He simply couldn’t choose between the two, and he kept telling himself that he needed more time. But time ran out along with the men’s patience. They met the counselor at the exit of the cafeteria and dragged him into the recreation room. “Guys, what’s this all about?” In truth, John perfectly understood what was happening. “It’s about you. Stop running away from us,” Adam said. “This is not funny, John. Adam said you have feelings for him. Is it true?” William asked nervously. “It is,” John replied. “So that’s why you didn’t want to rush things with me…” “It’s not like that, William, I… I love you both.” John gently pushed away Adam’s hands, which were pinning him to the wall, then gestured with his palms in a placatory gesture. His position was dismal. “Guys, I understand how this sounds, but I can’t choose between you. You both mean the world to me and rejecting one of you would be a betrayal to another one, to myself, to my feelings. Even if I choose, I’ll still think about the other. You probably wouldn’t want that. I should stay alone: at least it’s clear and familiar! And it will be fair to you. I’m sorry, but I won’t choose between you two.” John finished, shifting his gaze from one tense face to another. William also looked confused: “What is he talking about, Adam? How can we mean the same to him, it’s not possible!” “No, it seems, I understand what he means,” the engineer replied. “It’s called 'polyamory' — the ability to fall in love with multiple people at the same time.” “Yeah,” John confirmed. “I’m sorry for putting you in such an awkward position.” “I read that when people kiss, they immediately know if they want to date or not,” William said. Adam smirked: “Read? William, have you never kissed anyone?” “Well, John, if you kiss us one by one, maybe you’ll be able to choose?” the doctor suggested, ignoring the technician. “We can try, though I doubt it will help…” John didn’t finish his sentence, as William suddenly closed the distance and clumsily pressed his lips against John’s. Uncertain about what to do next, he simply embraced his partner around the waist. The counselor flinched, his fingers clenched in the air, but half a second later, he lightly laid his palms on the doctor’s back. Then John kissed him cautiously, trying not to exert too much pressure. He alternately pressed his lips to William’s upper and lower lips. The latter froze in his arms, afraid to move from embarrassment, feeling that a pair of disapproving eyes was watching them. Getting carried away and forgetting about time was extremely easy, but John had to stop the kiss, which took a great effort of will. Pulling away, Somerset saw before him a flushed but contented face and concluded that the doctor would return to normal very soon. Peeking over William’s shoulder, Adam looked enviously. John gently pushed the doctor away and beckoned the engineer towards him. For a split second, Adam paused in front of him, his gaze scanning John’s face. Lips were still swollen from the kiss. Adam covered them with his own passionately, as if wanting to pour all his feelings into this one gesture. Even if this kiss were destined to be the first and the last, Adam wanted to be sure it was worth it. His breath, tinged with the taste of fruity toothpaste, made the counselor dizzy. John ran his hand into the engineer’s curly hair while firmly pulling him close by the waist with his other hand. Suddenly, the door to the recreation room opened, and Captain Chahal appeared in the doorway. “Ahem! You have cabins for this kind of thing, guys!” he scolded, and Adam immediately recoiled from John in fear. “So, so, Doctor Somerset and Lieutenant Gilkenny. And Doctor Taylor too… I didn’t expect this from you, William. From Adam — yes, but not from you. Alright, how did you get involved in this?” “Barry,” the engineer interrupted him. “What do you mean 'From Adam — yes'?” “Quiet! I would have sent you to talk to the counselor, but he’s here too,” the captain shook his head disapprovingly. “In short, do this stuff in your quarters, and behave decently in public spaces!” The embarrassed men responded with simultaneous “Yes, Captain,” and Barry left the room. “So, what have you decided?” Adam asked after a pause. “I don’t know, it hasn’t become any clearer,” John wiped a drop of saliva from the corner of his lips. His legs could barely hold him, and his head was spinning. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. “Think, John, we won’t leave until you decide,” Adam urged him. “Yeah, John, we’re not your toys. Stop playing with our feelings,” unexpectedly, the doctor spoke softly. John grabbed his head, which was starting to ache. Phantom sensations of the recent kisses still lingered on his lips. “So, there are three options: choose one of you or stay alone…” “But there’s a fourth option,” William suddenly suggested. “We could take turns dating you.” “Are you willing to share him, William?” Adam couldn’t believe his ears. “Why not? It’s better than all of us being alone.” “Well then,” Adam sighed, “I’m not against giving it a try. But only if I see that you’re giving us equal attention…” John looked from one to the other with wide eyes. “Are they willing to make such sacrifices? For me?”, he thought. “My dear, beloved ones, I promise you, I will do everything so that you don’t regret it. I will always give you equal time and attention!” Adam’s mood seemed to have improved; he wasn’t as angry as he pretended to be: “Alright, let’s see how it goes. I suggest we take turns dating you, one day each. Today is my day.” “I agree. But everything between us must be transparent,” William said. “Guys, you’re the best,” John hugged them both and kissed the top of their heads, first the doctor’s and then the engineer’s. They weakly, just for show, tried to push him away but then resigned themselves to their fate and laughed.