Remember Me

After another week, instead of a sort of a new tradition of going out on the weekends, they go for a walk with Changbin's friends. Jisung decides to gather together to take a break from studying and relax. The outing is not very convenient in the sense that next to his friends, Changbin cannot talk to Hyunjin. However, the ghost says that he does not mind. He will just wander around somewhere nearby, he always finds something to do in new places after all. The diner lit by the dull yellow light is not very spacious, but here they serve excellent meat, give free snacks, the music is not too loud and it smells of burnt oil and fresh lettuce. After a shot of soju, the guys begin to discuss everything that has happened in the past couple of months, grilling pork along the way. It was pleasant to talk with old friends about something mundane. Changbin feels the pressure from his studies relieving for a while. “What else is new? Did you get yourself a boyfriend?” asks Chan who was sitting in front of him after a few other shots. “Me? Nah.” Changbin chuckles, shaking his head, and looks out the window, where he sat down to have a view of the entire area. Hyunjin is sitting by the fountain with the lighting that switches to the music, watching the light show with curiosity. The lights cannot reflect from him due to the lack of a body, but those that were behind him illuminated the skin from the back side, highlighting the main features of the face. “What’s with that dreamy gaze?” Seungmin giggles with suspicion pushing his shoulder. “You’re drunk, man, my gaze is completely fine.” “So is there someone you like?” asks Jisung while wrapping meat in a perilla leaf and loading it with garlic. “No.” “Oh come on. What’s even your type?” “I don’t know. Never thought about that. It depends.” “Let’s dream a little,” Chan puts his elbows on the table and starts a consulting session with a serious face. “You can leave out the appearance.” “That’s not fun,” whines Jeongin from the other side with disappointment. “We gotta start somewhere and figure it out as we go. So, what kind of people do you like?” “Gosh, you can’t just let me be, can you?” Changbin sighs heavily and wipes sweat from his forehead. “Well… I don’t like people who are too sensitive, I mean who react strongly to everything I say. I like it more when we just tease each other knowing that it’s a joke, you know this type of vibe.” “It’s cause you’re a dick,” Seungmin nods pouring himself cold water. “Thanks, dude.” “Don’t mind him. Continue.” “I really don’t know,” Changbin ponders trying to fetch some comprehensible thoughts out of the overall mind stream. “A person who’s got his personality, his own opinion. Not someone who agrees with the surrounding without thinking, but someone who can say right to my face that there’s something he doesn’t like or on the contrary something he likes. Someone who’s outgoing so we don’t just sit there in silence, but at the same time we should be able to do our own things separately and don’t feel some kind of tension because of that. Someone who can stop me when I get carried away. Something like that.” “You know, it kinda feels like you’re describing a certain person,” Chan squints slyly. “Too many details.” “Bullshit. Let’s change the topic.” Changbin pours soju into glasses. He does not like to talk about something so personal. While eating meat, he notices that Hyunjin is no longer at the fountain. Stretching out his neck, he examines the area and does not see him anywhere. He probably entered some building to listen to other people's conversations since he loves doing that. “What do you keep looking at all the time?” “The fountain’s beautiful.” Another quarter of an hour passes. The stomach is already full, the drinks are also not coming through anymore. Nobody liked getting hammered in their company, so after a few bottles they switch to water and focus on communication. As Seungmin recounts an incident from his sociology exam, Hyunjin suddenly appears at the door. Changbin lifts his head at him, nodding slightly, and looks into the glass to avoid the attention of the others. “You done? There’s something like a park with glowing figures behind the shopping mall, I wanna go see it. Thought about sticking to someone and going there alone, but I’m afraid I might lose you.” Considering Hyunjin's situation with depending on hosts, the phrase is quite normal. But Changbin unexpectedly highlights it, saves it in his memory. Hyunjin is afraid he might lose him. He worries that he will not be able to go back and find him again. He needs him. “Guys, you done? Let’s take a walk maybe?” Changbin pushes away extra thoughts that were probably caused by the alcohol and finishes the glass of cold water. “There’s a park nearby. We’ll make it to the subway in time from there.” It was a little strange to walk with such a company. To the left of Changbin his friends are walking and in front of him Hyunjin whom no one else could see or hear is showing the way. After a few meters, the ghost turns around and walks with his back forward, addressing him. “Did you have fun?” Changbin nods. “There’s a small exhibition hall next to the shopping mall. It’s full of different figurines made of colored glass. They even have you.” Changbin frowns in confusion. “A dark grey rain cloud under the ceiling. You know in what color it’s lit from above? Pink.” Changbin rolls his eyes. However, he cannot help but flash a smile. Because Hyunjin laughs happily enjoying the fact that he managed to get to him. At least he was having fun. Changbin was actually a little worried that he would be insulted to wander around alone, so his good mood makes him feel relieved. After a short rest, a new circle of quicksand-like weekdays begins. They usually follow the same scenario. Hyunjin wakes Changbin up for the class and either goes with him or stays at home to watch live shows he has been hooked on over the past two weeks. Changbin comes home, gets some sleep, does homework and then they watch movies together or each of them goes about their own business. The established order suits both and gets violated only once. Parents visit Changbin after two and a half months of independent life. After agreeing on everything in advance, Hyunjin settles down on the floor by the window in front of a charging tablet with an automatically scrolling book. Usually he sits like this at night, so he would not disturb Changbin’s sleep, but at the same time he would be able to entertain himself with at least something. This time he sits so as not to flicker before his eyes or distract him. Parents arrive at about six. Mom immediately furnishes the table with her cooking, scolds Changbin for his face that got thinner and talks about how many juicy pumpkins grew in their grandparents’ village. The father joins in and tells him about repairing the leaking roof, after which they finally begin to ask him about his studies. Changbin seems to be smiling until the conversation is about the future and work. “Have you already found the companies you’re gonna apply to?” “Mom, there’s still a whole year left.” “It will pass in a blink of an eye. You have to prepare for interviews now so you could get a job in a nice company. Don’t you wanna earn a lot of money and work in a prestigious office? It’s the only way you can provide for your family.” “I know,” Changbin’s voice got duller, which catches Hyunjin’s attention immediately. “What do you do after classes? Waste your time fooling around with music again instead of doing something for a good future?” asks his father strictly. “It’s possible to make a living with music too.” “Changbin,” mother’s disappointed voices gets a ton higher. “You know how many musicians like that are out there? Busking on the streets and begging when they could find a decent job. Stop playing around, you’re not a child anymore. I thought you grew out of this.” Instead of responding Changbin lowers his head and tears a tissue into pieces under the table. “We could sign you up for counselling if you’re not listening to us. To doctor Park who was helping you. You don’t see any of those… friends anymore, right?” “No, mom. It was all just childish fantasies.” Hyunjin has stopped reading long time ago. Instead, he looks worriedly at saddened Changbin. So he was taken to therapy when he said that he sees and hears what is inaccessible to others. He was getting "treated". “It’s time to grow up, son. You can’t live off us forever and your music won’t feed you. You either look for a decent job or go to the graduate school to get master’s degree in business administration and then seek employment. You understand me?” “Yes, dad.” After sitting for another quarter of an hour and discussing how all the acquaintances and acquaintances of their acquaintances live, the parents leave, reminding him of work again. Changbin hugs them goodbye, closes the door and sits down heavily on the sofa. Hyunjin, who has moved to the kitchen, looks appraisingly at his hunched figure. Changbin's shoulders are drooping, elbows on his knees, face hidden in his hands. He is usually quite reserved, so it is upsetting to see him in such a depressed state. His figure seems too lonely and lost in the dim light of the quiet apartment. Hyunjin walks over to the couch to rest a hand on his shoulders encouragingly. However, the hand, of course, flies right through them. Right. He is just a useless ghost. Hyunjin keeps forgetting about it more often by being around him. Because next to him he feels alive. But the reality is cruel - he actually does not exist and he cannot even support him significantly. “They’re wrong,” Hyunjin takes it as it is and sits on the floor in front of him. “You’re not wasting your time. Wanting to do what you like is normal.” “Can’t make money off it though.” “Why? Everything’s possible. You gotta try and find a way, find your audience. Even if it doesn’t happen quickly and you have to work in another place it’s not the end of the world.” “If only someone would hire me at least somewhere.” “They will. All those interviews are the same, you can find successful answers on the internet. You don’t even have to learn anything – I’ll read you everything from a paper. You hear me?” Hyunjin claps his hands to get his attention. Changbin finally raises his head and looks at him. He looks at him for a long time thinking about many things simultaneously. “You know, I was so devastated when I moved here and learned I’d have to live with you,” his voice is quiet, but the corners of his mouth end up curving. “And now I’m glad it turned out like that. It would’ve been too lonely and hard to be alone. You at least help me not to fall apart.” “Damn right I do. So get your shit together and stop pitying yourself. I’m not gonna let you slobber.” “And what are you gonna do to me?” a chuckle. “I can put on my headphones, turn on the music and close my eyes. You won’t reach me.” “Sooner or later you’ll take off your headphones anyway. And you will of course open your eyes. And that’s when I,” Hyunjin suddenly leans closer. “Will stick in front of you for days. You’ll have to stare at my amazing face for hours and hours.” Changbin is initially lost, shutting down for a few seconds. Hyunjin is so close that he almost buried his nose in him. He smiles snidely, his elongated eyes, however, show an absolutely serious attitude. A lock of honey hair slips out from behind his ear and wiggles. Too beautiful to argue with him. “I already…” Realizing the meaning of the words that almost came off his tongue, Changbin immediately gets up from the couch. “What?” “I said I already see your damn face everywhere I go,” Changbin grabs clothes and a towel from a wardrobe and heads towards the bathroom. “Better go to bed early today. I’m tired.” In the shower, he stands leaning his forehead against the cold tiles and looks blankly at the sink. Thoughts bite his consciousness more than ever. He is a ghost. You cannot get attached to spirits. Hyunjin is not essentially human anymore, so why is he causing such a reaction? Changbin has already resigned himself to the demands of his parents, so he forgets about their conversation quickly. Now something else begins to bother him. Hyunjin gets too close sometimes and he does not mind. Not at all. He gets lost and in their case it is unacceptable. Changbin is not the only one who started thinking about it. At night Hyunjin reads books, but one foggy Thursday the book ends earlier than expected, with more than an hour left before the alarm clock goes off. The ghost examines the already threadbare and learned to the last detail landscape outside the window. He hears a blanket rustling on the couch and gets up. Tired of the day, Changbin sleeps, covered up to his waist and wrapping his arms around the edge of the blanket. The hair on the back of his head is disheveled and curling upward in a funny way. Above the cheekbone there is a trace from the pillow. Hyunjin rests his elbows on the back of the couch and leans in slightly watching him. Changbin has a rather large nose, dark skin, and a suddenly triangular face. The eyebrows are furrowed, the lower lip is drawn back in sleep. The ghost reaches for him with a finger, as if smoothing a crease between his eyebrows. Naturally, nothing happens. He sees this face every day yet he never gets bored of it. It has become a symbol of understanding and home. Hyunjin is calmer when it is in front of his eyes. But he is so damn curious what Changbin really feels like. The ghost puts his hand on Changbin’s forearm, preventing it from going through and holding it in the air. He has no recollection of what the touch is. Probably something nice, he read about it. What is Changbin's skin like? Is it warm? Hot? Cold? Is it smooth? Or maybe a little dry? What is his hair like? Soft? Stiff? Spiky? Silky? Hyunjin chokes out a heavy sigh. He would like to be able to touch him. Give him a shoulder when he falls asleep on the couch. Wipe the toothpaste off his cheek in the morning. Give him a high-five after a joke. Poke his ribs to badger him when they are sitting next to each other. Slap the back of his head when he is getting annoying. Maybe even hug him. Anything to feel that he really exists. Changbin clearly does not have any strong need for physical or verbal contact - he has friends who constantly fill it. And Hyunjin only has Changbin. Actually, he understands that he does not need anyone else. Even if he comes across a crowd of mediums who would be willing to ride him around the world, he will not go anywhere. He does not need others. He likes Changbin as a person, even if he himself is just a spirit. In the end, Changbin did not turn his back on him even when Hyunjin was acting like a complete asshole. He did not leave him. He found things for him to do so that he would not be bored. Although he did not owe him anything. He just wanted to do so and Hyunjin appreciates it more than he could admit. Sometimes it seems that Changbin also forgets the boundaries of their worlds. They lay on the couch, idly chatting about similar soundtracks from mainstream films. Before that, they spent an hour and a half discussing the plot twists of the detective they had watched. Changbin notices that a lock of Hyunjin's hair is curled up and dangling from the parting. He reaches out to fix it and only when his fingers go right through does he realize what he was trying to do. They both freeze for a second. “Sorry, I…” Changbin lets out a quiet chuckle. “I forgot.” “Is that better?” Hyunjin brushes back his honey hair with his hand. “Gosh I wish there was a ghost shop so I could buy a hairband or a scrunchie.” “You still look good without it.” “If only it didn’t get to my fucking face.” Hyunjin puts his palms over his stomach and lazily closes his eyes. Just like an alive human. Changbin had begun to forget all too often that he was just a spirit. He cannot touch him. Sometimes his hands unconsciously reach out to Hyunjin. To turn him around, to grab him by the elbow, to pull him closer. Unsuccessfully every time. It was difficult to process this fact, his consciousness seemed to still resist admitting that it was impossible.